Living with a Mental Disorder: When Your Loved One Has a Mental Health Disorder

Note on the text: I used Paul T Mason, M.S. and Randi Kreiger’s Stop Walking on Eggshells as published by New Harbinger in 2020. 

This piece is going to look a little different than other essays that I have written on this site. As a therapist, I found a lot of the suggestions in this book to be really useful for anyone whose loved one has a mental health disorder despite the fact that they focus pretty heavily on Borderline Personality Disorder. Overall I think this book could prove to be a great guide for a variety of people. 

The number one thing that I tell all my clients who live with someone who has a mental health disorder disorder (including substance abuse) is that “in order to get off of the emotional rollercoaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should” change that person (82-83). You have to meet the person in question where they are instead of where you would like them to be (or even where they would like themselves to be). This is a really hard step for a lot of people and it is honestly where most people mess up. They have a really hard time accepting that their loved one is “sick” which means that they have to approach this person in a particular way. So if they have Borderline Personality Disorder for example, then you as their loved one has to stop treating them as if they can emotionally regulate themselves in a normal way.

Once you can do that, then the next step becomes a lot easier: the one where you are able to identify and protect your boundaries. No matter what anyone (including the loved one in questions) says “you have a right to all of your thoughts, feelings and opinions” (79). Which is to say that you have a right to whatever boundaries in your life make the most sense to you. Which means that it is also up to you to determine what those boundaries are, and what the consequence for violating those boundaries should be (including terminating or temporarily suspending the relationship in question). Whatever those consequences are, it is important that you “never set a consequence that you can’t or won’t follow through on. And you must be consistent” (205). 

Something to remember amidst everything is that it is not your fault. Often times people with mental health issues will find ways to project their issues onto those around them (”It’s your fault that I’m doing X” or “it’s your fault that I am this way”) and it is important to remember that that isn’t true and that it is still ok, and even necessary, for you to build up healthy boundaries with that person. Having healthy boundaries is what will create a healthy relationship with that person. Now that obviously doesn’t mean that you should trivialize or invalidate what that person is going through, but there are ways to validate a person’s feelings while maintaining strong boundaries. Just look at the example they provide in this book of Sara and her mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. In this example Sara’s mother constantly berates her on the phone and Sara to set a boundary with her mom around the fact that she wants her mom to treat her with respect. When she told her mom that she would hang up on her if she continued to treat her disrespectfully her mom got really upset. Sara then responded by saying: 

I understand mom that you disagree with my phone limits. I can see that it is upsetting you that I have feelings about the negative things you say to me when we talk on the phone. Hopefully you will realize that I still want to talk to you, but not if you’re criticizing or blaming me. I care about you and want to hear from you- I just want to be treated with respect (140). 

See how she found a way to both validate her mother’s feelings and reinforce those boundaries? It’s important to be able to do both. 

Also as a side note, it is generally not a good idea to tell that person that you suspect they have a mental disorder (or to remind them that they do). In your head, you are probably just trying to explain to the other person why they are feeling certain things an/or behaving the way that they are. But to the other person, more often then not, it just sounds dismissive and insulting. It makes them feel like they are being attacked. So while it might be a good idea for to get the help you need so that you can live with the person in question, it is generally not a good idea to share your thoughts regarding their specific mental health status. 

And, as always, there is never any shame in seeking out therapy either for yourself or your loved one. Mental health issues not only affect the person in question, but those who surround them. No one should ever be too ashamed to ask for help.