Back at it again at the Kristy Kreme. Man alive did ep 8 decide that the fluffiness is now over.

There was finally the kiss we’d all been waiting for, and it was so right for them. They’re on such unstable ground trying to get what they each think is the best outcome. But this one scene gave a moment where they met in the middle ground of all of this. Ayan respected akks boundaries and wariness. He asked him if he could kiss him and then asked him to tell him if he wanted to stop. I’m so in love with this! Ayan understands that it’s so hard for akk to allow himself to feel what feels and let it be ok. So ayan created a comfortable environment for akk to let him know that it’s safe and he’s okay to be himself there. The kiss was so brief but it was a moment of vulnerability for both them. It was a steady step towards each other.

Ayan is much better at communicating how he feels and what he wants because he’s been able to thrive in an environment that encouraged and allowed for this. Akk may have had this when he was younger but that was squashed when he went to Suppalo. Both at home and at school he’s constantly plagued by the pressures and expectations of everyone around him. There’s nowhere he can just fully relax and take some of the burden off. Now where really except for with ayan. We’ve seen ayan provide akk with a space for akk to let some of the weight off and fall apart a little. And ayan keeps providing this space for akk. Ayan is no longer trying to push akk away with flirting, he’s actively trying to bring him closer now and learn more about him. Ayan just wants to be with him and relax with him. But akk just seems to be moving further away.

Akk and ayan were getting closer up until this episode. Then the kiss and confession happened and it was suddenly all too much for akk to handle. The expectations keep growing, directly from the school and indirectly from his parents, and akk losing his grip on everything. He’s at a point where he doesn’t know what to do so his instinct is to push everyone away. Akks got so many cracks and the only way for him to heal is if he breaks down and starts again. But he’s not letting this happen, he’s trusting to hold on tight to what he’s built in Suppalo and avoiding facing how he feels.

Akks being emotionally abused by the head teacher. Chadok is using the fact that ayan can’t afford university against him and stop him leaving. There was a threat in the way that he held akks shoulder and akk knew it. Akk is scared of facing the consequences of disappointing Chadok. He’s scared yet he can’t see that what Chadok is doing is wrong, that he’s not just doing what’s best for him. Akks been manipulated into thinking that this is fine, that he should be able to handle the responsibilities of the school and that he should be the best and not make any mistakes. He can’t see that he’s being controlled, and it really hurts. He’s lashing out and hurting the people around him too, he has no idea what to do with all that he’s feeling and is self destructing. It’s only a matter of time before he completely breaks under the weight of everything that’s being put on him.

And AYAN my god you’re scaring me. That scene between ayan and his mum was heart wrenching. Ayan took way too long too long to answer his mums question for my liking. Even the mum started to look scared. I was not expecting this and part of me is disappointed in myself for being shocked. I know that ayan is going through the trauma of his uncles death and he keeps reliving it. But he’s gotten so used to deflecting and avoiding that I kind of forgot how badly he’s hurting from all of this. I want this to be explored more, because it was clear from ayans response that he’s struggling but he won’t talk about it.

It’s easy for ayan to talk about his feeling to akk but he really struggles opening up about his life to him. Whereas akk cannot talk to ayan about his feelings for him but has opened up slightly more about his pressures as a prefect. They’re both going though they’re own things but they’re not fully connecting with each other. They’re on different pages almost. They can’t talk to the other until they actually accept they’re feelings and come to terms with them for themselves. Their relationship will take a lot of work for it to work, and it’s going to be difficult, but they can make it work if only they start opening up and rely on the other more. Once they do this then they’ll be able to help the other and offer stability for both of them.