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annakie · 5 years

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A Post about Patchy

Hey would you like to read a lot of words about and see some pics of this cat? Because I’m going to do that below this cut.

Don’t worry, longtime followers, this is a happy post.

Those of you who have been following me since 2014 or before may remember Patchy. I don’t talk about her much on the blog, but I think it’s time.

If you were worried this may be a post-mortem post, don’t be. She’s happy and healthy.

The pic above was taken in October 2010. It’s the earliest picture I have of Patchy. By this point I had already known her for about a year.

Back in like 2009, around the time I got Cebu, when I started actually looking out in my backyard, I realized that there were several cats who hung out back there at night. I just have a chain link fence in my yard so it’s not surprising they could easily jump it from the alley or side yards, and I have a pretty large patio with some comfy patio chairs, so I guess it seemed like a good spot for them to hang, since I wasn’t out there much.

I wouldn’t know that TNR was a thing for awhile, and since I have a soft spot for cats, I’d leave them out some kibble, I’d just buy a bag of the cheapest stuff at the grocery store and throw a cup out a night to keep them from starving to death back then. There were often 5 or so cats back there, and if I’d have known then what I know now, I would have started TNR way earlier.

The cats would come and go, and there were so many that I just called them by identifying characteristics. “Brown-nosed tabby” and “Tuxedo” and “Orangie” or whatever. So this Calico just became “Patchy” since she has patches of color. For awhile, she was just one of that gang.

Cats would disappear, new ones would show up. Patchy and Moustachio, a shorthaired B&W cat with a mustache, were around the longest. I’m not sure what happened to most of the other cats, I’m sure they got hit by cars and picked up by the pound and other unpleasantness. I had to dispose of a few myself.

Patchy, somehow, kept surviving. Although there were a few times when she’d disappear for weeks at a time and I guessed that was the end of her, but she’d show up later all skin and bones, and then I’d switch her to my cats’ expensive, grain-free food and even give her wet food to get her back on her feet. Once she even showed up bloody with a very scary gash on her head. Not being able to touch her to put like, neosporin or something on that was killing me and I did what I could to help her recover, which was mostly just making sure she had plenty of good food and water. She made it.

And in these first few years, several times, kitten litters showed up in my backyard.

Cebu... get out of the way. (He was always real good about knowing exactly where to be for being in the way. I miss him so much.) (Pics taken in May, 2013.)

Ah, yeah, there’s Patchy with two litters of kittens, one of which was hers and the others were her own grandchildren. I rescued two out of those eleven and still kick myself for not doing more.

After having to clean up a few of her messes and over a few years saving over a half dozen of her kittens, and not saving many more, I decided it was time to do something about this. I started by getting her to trust going into my house.

My master bedroom has a sliding glass door to the patio. (The door you see there goes into the garage, sliding glass door is to the right.) So I started trailing food into the house and into the master bathroom to get her to explore there, and under the bed so she saw a safe place to hide. I’d then hanging out in the bedroom reading and letting her come in to explore the inside. I got her to understand there was food and clean water, and shelter there.

I thought I wasn’t far enough along with trusting me when she was pregnant once again in spring, 2014. But one night she did run right inside the house when I opened the sliding glass door to let Cebu out, climbed into the lining that had been ripped out a bit under my bed, and set up camp. For the next few months, she lived there. I contacted a feral rescue group in my area who agreed to let me foster the kitties and they’d get them adopted, then loan me a trap to get Patchy TNR’d. So that was a relief.

Also? Patchy picked the spot where she wanted to “go”, and after I cleaned up that first mess I put a litter box there and she took right to it, have NEVER had a litter issue since.

The long, and complete story about the next few months can be found on my Rescue Kitties tag, with many many pictures and updates. But I’ll still post a few, and a summary.

She never came out from beneath the bed if I was in the room, but I would go hang out with her when I got home from work every day, lay on the floor and sing to her and talk to her, give her yummy wet food, and sometimes, if she felt frisky, she’d play laser pointer with me when I would lay in bed before sleeping at night, always on the floor, never daring to get on the bed. That’s fine.

In April 2014 one morning I awoke to kitten noises.

She was such a good momma to those kittens. After the first day & night in the birthing box I set up for her, and she did even let me change out the towel (but got real mad when I tried to move the food bowl slightly away), she brought the babies back under the bed and I’d have to peek and use my camera to even see them.

Eventually, they got old enough to get curious, they came out to play, and she let me play with them and socialize them.

And after a few more weeks, the babies went to the rescue group, and found their forever homes.

It took TWO MORE WEEKS of making Patchy very unhappily live inside before I could get her into a trap, so she could be TNR’d. Although she was OK with me touching the babies, touching was strictly off-limits for HER.

But hey! We did it! She went and got TNR’d, got a clean bill of health... and went back outside.

I didn’t see her for like two weeks, and when she came back she was skin and bones, and decided that maybe it was OK to be back here and let me give her food again, after all.

And then for the next year or so, well, if it were really hot or cold or storming outside, when I’d let Cebu out before bed, maybe she’d decide to spend the night under the bed, after all. But she wanted to go back outside during the day. That’s fine. The other cats hated being locked out of the bedroom sometimes, but they got used to it.

Slowly, throughout 2014 and 2015 her inside stays got a little longer and a little longer. It was too hot or too cold out for days at a time, then weeks at a time.

The worst part about this time is that she’d get fleas. And then Cebu would get fleas, and then Jim, Leela, Fry and Pemily would have fleas. And then I’d have to do an expensive round of flea meds on all 5 of the inside pets, and not being able to touch Patchy to give HER meds was a problem until I found some like, garlic pills online that I’d mash into her wet food and give to her. Luckily, between that and flea-powdering (the vacuuming) the carpets, the fleas would be taken care of. I think I went through this three times. Eventually I just started giving her a flea pill once a month. I didn’t love doing it because apparently some cats have bad reactions, but it was that or... stop letting her into the house because I couldn’t keep exposing the rest of the pets to fleas. Luckily, it worked.

Of course when Cebu died at the end of 2016 I had a lot less reason to ever go to the backyard, so, she had a lot fewer chances to try and go outside, anyway. But it’d been awhile before that since she’d go out. I used to leave the door open enough for Cebu to go out and come back in during nice days, and she wouldn’t bother most of the time. And usually, even when she did, she’d be back inside for bed.

She did get out for like two minutes once last year, but she made it to the end of the backyard, saw I was going back inside, and ran back to me and inside all on her own after that.

She’s at least ten years old now, I think she’s happy to be settled.

I feel bad that she lives her entire life in one room. I’ve tried a few things to see if she wants to integrate. Pemily is my most social and outgoing and friendly cat, and also she is literally Patchy’s granddaughter, and several times Pemily has managed to sneak her way into the bedroom, she’s very wiley. Patchy DOES NOT LIKE IT. Usually within 10 minutes there are growls, spits and hisses. Once or twice Pemily has made it into the bedroom without me noticing, and I’ll find her sitting by the door VERY READY to leave when I go back in. Patchy and Fry would never get along, and she’d probably bully Leela, so... she’s a bedroom cat.

We still play laser pointer, I made sure we has a few hunting-type toys, which are the only thing she responds to. I’ve tried several “enrichment” toys that the other cats like, stimulation toys, hiding toys, a mini-cat tower that she only uses the brush on, special places to lay down... whatever. I also bought her a life-sized stuff cat for companionship and NOPE, she hissed at it. I left in in the room just in case she gets used to it and she ignores it. She doesn’t really care. She likes to hunt fake mice and the laser pointer, everything else is “Meh.”

She used to dump her water out all the time and I realized she likes to drink moving water, so I put Cebu’s water fountain in there and she loves it. She has the view of the backyard from the sliding glass doors she spends a lot of time looking out at. She has crunchy food always and gets some wet food when I get home from work, I spend a few minutes with her when I come home from work every day and at least an hour hanging out in bed watching shows and playing laser pointer... and she seemed happy.

In January, 2016 I woke up one night and found a warm lump next to my feet.

It may have been a little earlier than that, but not much. Patchy figured out that it’s more comfy ON the bed (well, she had been sleeping up there when I wasn’t in the room before then, but never while I was there) and hey, humans are warm! Actually now that I look at it, I think this pic was taken in the afternoon, so maybe this was one of the first times she came onto the bed when she knew I was awake. (Hey, I’m big on weekend afternoon naps.)

Further strides.. were slow, but measured. The first time she’d come up on the bed while I was sitting up. The first time she walked on me when I was laying on my side. The first time she walked on my stomach and smelled my face. Figuring out that sleeping higher up on the legs is even warmer. Figuring out that purring and making biscuits on the human’s leg was really nice. Oh man, I cried the first time she made biscuits and I heard her purring. That was probably early 2017.

I had a few aborted attempts at trying to touch / pet her, including thinking she was Pemily while I was still half alseep. These always lead to setbacks that took awhile to get that trust back.

After awhile, she’d sometimes even do stuff like... this.

This was a huge deal because it was the first time I had even thought to record her and she just came right up and said hi, and she laid there for like 20 seconds while I talked to her.

And then I asked her if she wanted pets, and she immediately backed off.

But hey, she backed off to go do this...

So it wasn’t so terrible. A little biscuit making before settling down to hang out.

I decided about a year ago, that to move forward, what I needed was to get her used to my hands. So I began Operations: Hands are OK! For literally the last year, every day I just try to spend a few minutes with my hands somewhere near her when she settles in. And I started trying TINY PETS on her paws when she was relaxed. This was a gamble because most cats hate having their paws touched. But she could see my fingers touching her paws, and tiny gentle paw strokes that did not hurt were something she could control, and remove her paws from. Which usually she did, and at first she’d get up and move, but eventually, she’d just tuck her paws under.

Sometimes... even something like this would happen...

See? You can touch MY hands, too! It’s OK!

I also let her sniff my hand any time she was close enough, and she got used to that, I started using it as a greeting. She was totes OK with touching any part of me that was covered up with a blanket at this point. So I’d also put my hand under the blanket sometimes and then under her paws or side. She didn’t like this much, either, but would tolerate it in small bursts.

I was patient with her and tried to not push her boundaries too much.

The thing is, though, she has not been to the vet since getting TNR’d in 2014, and she’s now at least 10 years old. I don’t want to take her if it’s going to set her back, and I don’t want to someday have her be sick and still terrified of my hands, of touch, so... I pushed forward.

The last few months... I started feeling like she knew she wanted something else, but she didn’t know what she wanted or how to ask for it. So I went for pets with the back of my hand a few times, slowly, letting her know where my hand was at all times and she’d... run away after a short brush.

She’d hang out... close, like this, though. Looking at me like... “I need something. What is it that I need?”

Less than two weeks ago, on June 12, I had to wake up at 4am for a work thing, made it back to bed at 6:15ish, then woke up, oops, an hour later than I meant to around 9am. I really needed to get up and get to work, but woke up to Patchy laying with me, then when she saw I was awake she climbed up to my stomach, purring.

“Okay, we’re gonna try pets again,” I said to her, and showed her the back of my hand. She sniffed it, then I lightly brushed it against her side. She didn’t move.

“Okay, we’re gonna do that again,” I said, and for 4 or 5 strokes, she let me. So I got bold, and went for the regular front-hand full body pet down the spine.

She let me. I held my breath and looked at her and she didn’t move. I tried again and she let me. And after a few seconds... I was just... petting her. Like you would any other cat. I literally got teary eyed as I told her what a good girl and brave girl she is. She... leaned into it.

After about a minute, I got really bold and tried a neck scratch.

SHE. LOVED. IT.

This was after about five minutes of neck-scratch / body pets switching. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to capture the moment, and she was totally cool with staying still while I shifted a bit to take the pictures with my left hand.

I probably hung out with her for ten or fifteen minutes and actually had to push her away to get up and run into work and not miss a meeting I was supposed to run at 10. I’ve been so. damn. happy. about this.

It took ten years you guys. Or damn close to it. A decade of knowing this cat, of getting her to trust me bit by bit.

And now, when I hop in bed at night, whenever she’s ready she’ll jump up and hang out. A few nights ago she even let me pet her while she was standing up and I was sitting up for a moment, and once while I was sitting up and sitting cross-legged, she laid down on the pillow in front of my legs and just let me pet her that way.

She even woke me up in the middle of the night last night going “Uh, hey, that thing you do now? Do that some.” She lays there and purrs and lets me pet her for a long time.

She still mostly runs under the bed if I’m in the room and not on the bed, but the last year or so she’s been lazy about it, instead of jumping up terrified and running under the bed it’s more like “Oh... you’re here. Ok.” More like a routine than a necessity. The last few days she may even be outside of the bed under the nightstand or just... NEAR the bed if I’m walking around, but I haven’t pushed that boundary yet.

My goal is now, by the end of the year, have her tolerate me picking her up, or at least pushing her around. Get it so I can get her into a carrier and... if I’m real lucky, get her to the vet before 2019 is over. We’ll see.

Maybe, but not likely, someday I can open the bedroom door again, sleep with the other cats (I do occasionally sleep in the guest room so they can hang out with me, but that bed is nooot as comfortable.) For the last few years I was doubtful we’d ever get this far. So who knows.

Thanks for reading this far! I have been wanting to just record this story for awhile and made myself sit down and do it tonight. I’ll post further updates if warranted. :)

#personal post tag thingy #rescue kitties #my pets

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theresnourieandme · 4 years

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That rush in my veins (I’ll be yours).

Day 2: favourite ship - Tyrus

The distant voices filled the glade filled with tents. The sky was dark above his head, in contrast to the moon beams that occasionally appeared through the clouds. A few other stars looked curious in the dark, endless sky, and Cyrus tried to frame and photograph their light reflected from the lake's dormant water. The quiet night that Cyrus had been desperately searching for all summer had finally arrived, and no one could have taken it away from him.

And yet, there they were, the usual troubles. A dark figure was making its way to the edge of the lake, and Cyrus pointed at it with the old camera his gramma had left him a few years before she died. Of course, he would never be able to see their face from that distance and position, but he could see that it was definitely a male figure, quite tall and slender.

Cyrus felt he didn't have to get close, but he couldn't help but satisfy his curiosity. Stealthily, hidden by the night and by the foliage of the trees, he reached the place where he had seen the boy appear. And there he was: he was sitting cross-legged on one of the great rocks that outlined the rugged shores of the pond. He wasn't doing anything particularly interesting, other than admiring the relaxing and decidedly uncrowded view. Suddenly, the boy, illuminated by a vagabond lunar ray, took off his shirt not before looking well around and Cyrus could not help blushing violently. Anyway, he didn't mind the sight, you know. The situation, however, became strangely awkward when the pants were also left on the rock, and soon after the underwear too. Now Cyrus was definitely going too much on fire, so much so that he thought he would burn to death instantly. The boy dived into the fresh – and icy, Cyrus imagined – water with a little thud, and the moor decided it was time to leave. He grabbed all his things and walked away quickly.

Back at the tent, he noticed TJ wasn't there. He was probably with the others of the group, he thought. Cyrus laid down in his sleeping bag, and looked at the photos taken throughout the summer. There were many of TJ: TJ lying on the grass with a straw hat covering his closed eyes and an ear of wheat between his lips, TJ smiling leaning against the surfboard, TJ with black sunglasses and daisy crown on his hair made by Amber – Andi had taught her and that was her first –, TJ trying not to have a picture of himself taken, and again TJ getting dirty with ice cream. Yes, I mean. Cyrus could claim that TJ was the main subject of almost all of his shots. But there were also photos taken in the mountains when he went with all four of his parents, photos of starry skies and sunsets and sunrises, and then again photos of Buffy and Andi, or more rarely of Jonah. Cyrus took quite a while to scroll through all the photos, but when he saw the first shot he held his breath: the TJ of the photo was smiling and passing a hand in his blonde hair free from the gel, hit by a golden ray of sun during sunset; in the background you could catch a glimpse of their friends – Andi, Buffy, Jonah, Marty and Amber – sitting on the picnic blanket laughing and joking together. That photo didn't remind Cyrus of anything special, actually, but TJ's sweet, innocent smile made him lose a beat.

"What are you doing?" TJ's voice came to him suddenly, causing him to jump. He noticed the camera, which still showed TJ's photo on the display, and blushed, throwing it toward the backpack.

"Only... seeing old photos." TJ had wet hair and red cheeks for the pungent air. He was really cute, with that wary puppy expression. "What did you do at the campfire?"

"Sang, and cooked marshmallows – you should have been there: you love marshmallows! Anyway, at some point I left," he said, sitting cross-legged on his sleeping bag.

"To go where?" Cyrus swallowed, though not too loud to be noted by TJ. What if...?

"To the lake," Cyrus suddenly whitened. "I wanted to take a swim before we got back to the city."

With his mouth dry and his heart in his throat, Cyrus found himself trying to respond with indecipherable sounds. TJ raised an eyebrow, trying to instill him with confidence so he could talk quietly. "W-was the water cold?" he was able to formulate after a few seconds.

TJ chuckled. "Quite cold. Have you always been in here?"

Cyrus blushed and felt unable to respond for the second time in just one minute. "No, actually. I went to the lake to take some pictures, too, but I probably left before you came," he lied, his cheeks still red.

TJ nodded and whispered only a "Probably," passing a hand through his damp hair. Cyrus would’ve given everything to braid his fingers between those blonde tufts, kiss those rosy lips, warm up with one of his sweatshirts which smelt of hours spent in front of the burning fireplace. "I wish I could not go back to Shadyside. It's so quiet here."

"Yes, although I miss Buffy and Andi terribly."

TJ laughed with his sweet, thunderous laugh, genuine and pleasant as a summer breeze between the grain. "You haven't seen each other in two weeks!"

Cyrus ignored his laugh – even though it was damn cute – and grimaced falsely outraged. "They are like millennia, for us!"

TJ's laughter persisted for a few moments. "I guess so," he replied, pulling the phone out of his sweatpants pocket. Cyrus watched him scroll through his notifications - on Twitter, probably - for a while, and got lost in those fluid gestures and innocent little smiles that passed over his face for a moment. "Uh! Look at what Amber posted," he exclaimed at one point, stretching his arm towards him to show him the phone screen, which was open on Instagram.

The photo that appeared before his eyes got a smile from him: it was evidently the golden hour; Andi was sitting on Amber's crossed legs, holding hands as they kissed. Maybe the photo was taken by Buffy, who always took very nice pictures, or Marty, who was sometimes even better than his girlfriend. The description said: 'Saw your face, heard your name, gotta get with you, girls like girls like boys do, nothing new.'

"Finally!" exclaimed TJ after a few moments, leaving him time to read. "They will stop flirting unashamedly in front of all of us."

Cyrus chuckled. "But I think they're going to make out at every moment, so I can't say which one of the two options is better."

"Fair point" conceded him, throwing the phone by his side with little attention. "But at least Amber will be happy. She never stopped talking about Andi and how much she liked her."

"Do you think it will be different now?"

"Other fair point," TJ replied with a little laugh. He picked up the phone and frowned. "Hey, Jonah wrote to me. He says Buffy and Marty kissed for the first time in public."

Cyrus chuckled. "Hallelujah, it was time. They never show us their sweet side."

"Who knows what changed their mind."

"A notable factor that tried to convince Buffy from the beginning that showing affection for her boyfriend in public would not make her die of diabetes."

"Is this a factor called Andi by the experts?"

"No," Cyrus replied, all serious. TJ frowned, puzzled. "It's called Cyrus Goodman."

"You?!" exclaimed TJ, clearly surprised. Cyrus found his expression pretty cute but he would never say it out loud. "You've never had a boyfriend."

"That's true. But I had a girlfriend."

TJ frowned again. "Really?"

Cyrus didn't understand what was strange. I mean, a lot of people knew they were gay having a girlfriend, even Amber. The only difference was that Cyrus had left Iris as soon as he noticed, while Amber had continued to date boys so as not to arouse suspicion. Now, however, both luckily had come out to their friends and their families and could be who they were unconditionally.

"Yes, she's a friend of Amber's," Cyrus said, trying to stay vague.

TJ waved on the soft sleeping bag, but struggled to maintain a curious tone so as not to seem too uncomfortable. But Cyrus had realized the difference between the way TJ looked at girls and the way he looked at boys, and he knew he had a chance to get into the heart of the guy he'd liked for a few years. "And how long have you two been together?"

"Not long. Not even two months, I'd say, but I was in first grade and I don't have any special memories, but we had a lot in common. I just remember the fact that being with her made me realize that it was not right towards me and especially towards her to continue to pretend."

TJ nodded. They remained silent for a while, one of those heavy silences filled only by the singing of crickets outside the tent and the distant chants of their campmates. "And now?"

"Now what?" Cyrus nervously asked. He wasn't ready to tell TJ about his crush, he wasn't really ready.

"Are you seeing someone?"

Cyrus blushed and tried not to be noted. The thought of dating TJ fueled the fire that already seemed to have flared under his cheeks. "No," he replied, his voice trembling and a note of hope between the two letters.

TJ settled into his sleeping bag and Cyrus, hoping it wasn't just a play of light, thought he saw him smiling. The light went out suddenly, and moonbeams dimly illuminated the tent. "Good to know."

#andi mack appreciation week #am appreciation week #tyrus #tyrus oneshot #i know i'm late but i told you #i started to write this a long time ago so i don't know how beautiful it can be but i still hope you like it #enjoy :D #theresnourieandme ff

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malecsecretsanta · 6 years

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Merry Christmas, @arrowsandwhiskeykisses!

One of the prompts for the fic was 'Angst angst angst and then fluff,' so I hope this is good enough. Thank you!

Read on AO3

*****

Magnus has spent a large portion of his life feeling tired. His exhaustion has spread out over the years, interspersed with months of cheer and happiness, periods of his life where he falls in love and feels lighter than ever, feels like he’s walking on air, feels that swell of admiration in his chest and that burst of adoration in his stomach. But he always drifts back to feeling tired. Living this long takes its toll, because even if his body doesn’t age the way it should, the rest of him does. His mind doesn’t atrophy, but his spirit seems to grow weaker. His defences crack and his heart turns to stone. It feels like he has less left to give, because the bits of him that are left are all used up, dry and cracked and crumpled.

And yet he keeps finding parts of himself, dusting them off and handing them out for free. He shaves off pieces to give to Raphael, to Catarina, to Maia and Ragnor. He gives pieces of himself to Simon and Clary and Jace and Isabelle, to Shadowhunters, to Alec.

Magnus always thought if he were going to be caught dead with a Shadowhunter, with the people who have despised him for centuries, used him and thrown him away time and time again, then that Shadowhunter would have to be the most perfect person on the planet.

Alexander isn’t perfect. He is a basket of contradictions. He has an iron-clad control over himself and his body, but he is impulsive when it comes to what he wants, when he decides to let himself have it. He is neat and tidy, almost to a military degree, but he leaves his socks all over Magnus’s apartment, forgets to wipe the toothpaste stains out of the sink. He makes a lot of mistakes, and he is simply too much sometimes, too brash, too cautious, too determined, too withdrawn, too naive, too brave. He is a lot of things, and not all of those things are good, but they make up the man that Magnus loves, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Which is what makes this moment, right here, one of the most tiring moments of Magnus’s life.

Alec blinks at him unsteadily. There’s a slightly dazed look to his eyes, and a cut on his head that Magnus wants to heal. He’s not sure magic would be welcome at the moment. He’s not sure that he’s welcome at the moment.

“What exactly do you remember?” Magnus asks. He keeps his voice calm, doesn’t let the tremor shaking its way through his veins alter his tone. There is a grace to this moment, a finesse, and he has to get it right if he wants to get Alec to trust him. He’s already glancing around the kitchen, either looking for a weapon, an escape route, or something he recognises.

“Everything’s a little hazy,” Alec admits. “I remember hunting…”

He cuts himself off quickly, eyes widening suddenly as the haze of confusion fades, and Magnus is quick to reassure him.

“Hunting demons, I imagine. I know you’re a Shadowhunter,” he soothes. “I’m a Warlock.”

Alec draws back instantly, one hand raising to graze along his temple, where the blood is starting to congeal, grow tacky.

“What did you do to me?” Alec demands lowly. “Is this some kind of spell? How did I get here?”

“It’s not what you think,” Magnus says, his heart giving a painful squeeze. “A spell of mine went a little haywire, and it hit you. You’ve – you’ve forgotten me. I promise, Alexander, you do know me.”

Alec simply stares at him suspiciously. He lowers his hand and his gaze darts around the loft, fixing on little things, like the potted plant on the windowsill, or the coffee machine still gurgling away. It’s still early morning, the first rays of sunlight stirring the clouds into soft peaks, visible through the open window. Alec is bathed in a white glow, and even sleepy-eyed and bleeding, he looks beautiful. Magnus feels the same indescribable ache he’s always felt whenever he looks at Alec, but this time it hurts a little more, because when Alec looks at him, he doesn’t feel the same way.

“Let me call your sister,” Magnus says gently. “I imagine Jace already felt something through your bond. If I’m right, he should be here soon.”

Alec nods sharply, still on guard, and Magnus closes his expression down so that Alec won’t see the desperation in his gaze, before he goes to find the phone.

The door clicks shut behind the Lightwood’s with a resolute snap. The loft seems still, empty. Magnus is alone again, for the first time in a while, and he can feel it all around him, the soupy silence and treacle-thick tension. He very gently presses his forehead against the door, feeling the smooth grain of wood under his skin. His eyes slip closed, and a dry sob works its way up his throat before he can push it down. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, opens his eyes, and steps away.

He’s never felt more tired.

Alec had glanced at him, just once, before leaving. The suspicion had disappeared, replaced by curiosity, soothed away by Izzy’s warm words and Jace’s steady presence. He had been hoping that Alec would suddenly snap out of it, that the spell would wear off and recognition would fill Alec’s eyes, that he’d come storming over and grab Magnus, kiss him like he had at the wedding, at the end of the aisle. Magnus dreams of that kiss, sometimes.

He has a feeling his dreams are going to be a lot less pleasant from now on.

He lets himself have another few moments, and then he makes his way over to the desk in his room. The facts, when laid out on a piece of paper, are simple. A spell Magnus was working on for a client went wrong, and hit Alec in the head. Alec was staring right at him when it happened. As a result, Alec no longer remembers Magnus, or their time together. He no longer remembers that they love each other. For Alec, there’s nothing between them but a cut temple and a moment of suspicion.

Magnus sits down heavily in the hard-backed chair and grips his knees. He has to fix this. Alec had said, before, in a neon-lit alley, that he didn’t think he could live without Magnus. Magnus has never thought to tell him that it’s mutual, that the idea of living in a world where Alec doesn’t remember him, doesn’t know him, makes something crack inside him. He thought Alec knew, that he would always know.

He has to fix this.

The bed feels empty, so Magnus doesn’t sleep in it. The sheets are cold and the space that Alec used to fill feels vast and wide, like a chasm. He’s grown used to his presence in the loft, to the warmth of another person in his bed. He grabs fistfuls of sleep on the couch, instead, curled up on the cushion that Alec used to favour. He’s moping, certainly, but he thinks it’s understandable. He draws the blanket off the back of the couch and drapes it over him. His eyes itch and he’s restless, but he’s been alive long enough to know that lack of sleep is not a good thing. It won’t help him solve this.

He’s finally drifting off when someone knocks on his door, and an undignified groan passes his lips before he can stop it. He climbs to his feet and takes a deep breath. It takes a little more effort than it should to get his magic to work, to paint on a perfect face, to rearrange his hair and conceal the dark circles beneath his eyes.

He opens the door and deflates a little. Disappointment wells within him, and he realises he was expecting, hoping to see Alec on the other side, memory restored, searching for him, coming home. Instead, he gets Simon.

“Wow,” Simon says, hefting his bag a little higher over his shoulder. “That level of disappointment is great for my self-esteem, just so you know.”

Magnus levels a tired look at him, and then steps back, waving a hand for him to enter. He’s long since learned that Shadowhunters and Mundanes and Vampires don’t actually know how to leave him be when he wants to be left alone.

“You look awful.”

Magnus quirks an eyebrow. “I look fantastic, actually.”

Simon grimaces. “Well, yeah. You’ve done that magic thing. But you still look awful. On the inside.”

“I had no idea that being a vampire came with X-Ray vision,” Magnus says, closing the door and relocating to the couch. He’s fond of Simon, even if he does purposely tease him by forgetting his name all the time. He’s fond of all his Downworlders.

“It’s a skill I was born with,” Simon says, cheerfully enough. He drops a bag by the door and then throws himself onto the chaise lounge, wincing as the hard back digs into his spine. He wriggles around uncomfortably, and Magnus watches him with tired amusement.

“Why do you have this?” Simon complains.

“For aesthetic purposes,” Magnus says simply. “It’s not supposed to be comfortable, it’s supposed to look good in my loft. You’re going to put a dent in it with all that writhing around.”

“Oh, the horror,” Simon says, wriggling with purpose now.

Magnus sighs, exasperated. “Simon, what are you doing here? I know it’s not simply to destroy my furniture.”

Simon straightens up suddenly, a serious look falling over his face. “I came to see how you were doing. Clary told me what happened.”

Magnus stays silent, focusing intently on a chip in his nail polish.

“I went to see Alec,” Simon says hesitantly. Magnus can’t help the way he stiffens, the way his gaze flickers towards Simon. Simon stares back, watching him carefully.

Magnus clears his throat. “How is he?”

“He seems fine,” Simon says. “A little confused, but mostly his same old self. They’re trying to find a way to fix his memory, but he doesn’t understand why they’re so insistent on it, since he doesn’t know what he’s forgotten.”

Magnus lets out a slow, measured breath. It hurts, to know that Alec could simply go on with his life, that he could carry on without this affecting him in the slightest.

“So, he’s fine, then. That’s good. I was afraid there might be some side-effects.”

“Side-effects,” Simon repeats incredulously. “Magnus, I think there was a pretty big side-effect to that spell hitting him, don’t you?”

“There may not be a way to fix that one,” Magnus points out, although he doesn’t want to think about it. “I was referring to smaller, mendable side-effects.”

Simon chews on his lip for a moment, thinking hard. Then he claps his hands together and gets to his feet.

“Well, you’re not going to find an answer like this. Come on, I’ll go and buy you some coffee while you grab some sleep. Clary and I will help you with whatever you need. There must be books we can look at, research we can do. We can help you with this, Magnus.”

Magnus lets his gaze drift from Simon’s eager expression. There are a pair of shoes – not his – hidden under one of the side-tables, laces splayed haphazardly all over the place. A book sits on the coffee table, a blue bookmark poking out of the thin pages, because Alec always insists that it’s a travesty to damage a book in any way. Flowers fill the vase on the windowsill, a remnant of a spontaneous impulse buy whilst walking back from one of their dates.

There are little pieces of Alec littered all around the apartment, and Magnus abruptly realises that he doesn’t want to lose this. A part of him has been insisting that maybe this was for the best, that maybe things happened for a reason.

“You don’t have to do it alone,” Simon says earnestly.

Magnus tips his head back against the back of the couch. There are a million things running through his mind, but despite everything, he knows he can’t afford to give up. He doesn’t want to lose Alec.

He discards the blanket, ignoring Simon’s little moue of protest. “You go and get coffee, I’ll find the information we need.”

“I’ll fetch Clary too,” Simon says, practically beaming as he crosses to the door. “She’ll want to help.”

Magnus smiles at him fondly, watching him go. Then he summons everything he needs from his study, spreads it all out over the table, and gets to work.

Magnus isn’t feeling quite so fond a half hour later, when Simon returns.

“I thought you said you were fetching Clary and coffee,” Magnus says, out of the corner of his mouth. “Nowhere in that statement did you mention you would be bringing the root of the problem to my loft.”

Simon stares at him, wide-eyed. Clary takes a sip of coffee and studiously avoids his gaze.

Alexander lifts a page in a book, brow furrowed. He’s hunched over the table, one hand planted firmly next to a packet of dried herbs, his hair falling over his eyes. The cut on his temple is gone, replaced with smooth, clear skin. There’s no smile on his face when he glances up at Magnus, only intense curiosity.

“I panicked, when he asked where we were going,” Simon says, clearly still panicking. “I told him we were going to help you with something, and he offered to come with us. He seemed pretty keen to meet you again. I think he’s curious.”

“Yes, well, curiosity is not quite the emotion I was hoping for, the next time I had to see him again,” Magnus says.

Simon grimaces, offering him a sheepish shrug. Magnus sighs, pasting on a pleasant smile, and moves around the table to pick up a book of his own. Alec looks up as he draws near, letting the page slip through his fingers.

“I don’t think we’ve been introduced,” Alec says, holding out a hand. Magnus feels his heart falter. He can sense Clary and Simon watching him, even as they talk quietly amongst themselves. When Alec’s hand dips slightly, Magnus shakes himself and reaches up to grasp it. He keeps his touch light and clinical, because any more than that and he may break, but Alec surprises him by letting the touch linger.

“Magnus Bane,” he offers, when Alec does let go.

Alec cringes back as soon as the last syllable leaves his lips, and Magnus stares in surprise and concern as he grips his head with both hands.

“Sorry,” Alec grits out. “My head starting hurting.”

Magnus wants to reach out. His hands are halfway there, poised in mid-air to hold him, envelope him, soothe away his problems, when Clary clears her throat from the corner. Magnus freezes, and then lets his hands drop, dusting off his clothes. He let himself forget, for a moment.

Alec straightens up after half a minute, and he fixes Magnus with a wary look. Magnus makes sure his hands are in Alec’s line of sight.

“I always seem to be in pain around you,” Alec jokes, and Magnus flinches imperceptibly. He tries not to delve a little deeper into those words than called for.

Simon makes a strangled noise, and claps his hands together loudly. “So. The pain thing, has that been happening often?”

Alec frowns slightly. “A bit, yeah. Every time I start to think too hard about what I’m forgetting. It’s like there’s this blank space where something should be, but I can’t think what it is, and when I spend too long thinking about it, I get this sharp pain in the middle of my forehead.”

“Sounds delightful,” Clary says, sipping her coffee.

“You said you were a Warlock, and this was your spell,” Alec says, turning back to face him. His eyes flit all over Magnus’s face, like he’s looking for something, and Magnus hopes to high heaven that he finds it. “Can you fix it? They’ve tried telling me what I’ve forgotten… but it hurts when they bring it up. But there’s a piece of my life that I’m missing, and I want it back.”

I want it back.

Magnus inhales sharply, trying to compose himself.

Alec is still looking at him curiously, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “So, can you fix it?”

Magnus finds himself winking, strength filling him for the first time in a few days. “Alexander, darling, I think you’ll find there’s not much that I can’t do when I put my mind to it.”

It’s Clary who figures it out, half an hour later. She puts her now-empty coffee cup down slowly and says, thoughtfully, “What if it’s not a memory spell? What if it’s a blocking spell?”

The room grows still and silent.

Clary taps her finger excitedly against the page in front of her, pointing at a particular passage. “Think about it. If it was a memory spell, then it would have affected all of Alec’s memory, wouldn’t it? But he can still remember everything except… that one thing, and the moments surrounding it. It’s blocking something specific.”

Alec glances sharply at Magnus. “Is that possible?”

Magnus murmurs under his breath for a moment, running it over in his head. “It definitely makes more sense than a memory-altering spell. The problem is, I’m not quite sure how to combat it. It may take a while for me to think of an antidote.”

Alec deflates, all the energy leaving him in a rush.

Magnus doesn’t quite know if it’s his place to reassure Alec. Before, he would have stepped in with no hesitation, held Alec closely and soothed him, just as Alec would have done for him. Now, he glances to the side, and Simon pastes on a cheery grin.

“But that’s one step closer to an answer! Now all we have to do is figure out the antidote.”

“No pressure,” Clary adds, with a small, comforting smile, and Magnus sighs. He’s got his work cut out for him.

“I’m staying,” Alec says suddenly, standing up straight. Magnus feels his insides freeze as the words sink in.

“Pardon?”

“Until you think of an antidote,” Alec explains. “I’m staying here. I want to help, however I can, and I want to be close to the solution.”

Clary’s eyes flick between them anxiously. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”

Alec furrows his brow. “Why not?”

There’s a small silence. Magnus can’t think of a reason that isn’t ‘because you used to love me, and now you don’t remember who I am.’ He dismally wonders when this became his life.

When it becomes clear that Alec is still waiting for an answer, Magnus clears his throat and waves a hand dismissively.

“It’s perfectly fine. I have a guest room down the hall you can stay in until I can find the antidote. You’re always welcome here, Alexander.”

The last part is too warm, too caring, because Alec looks surprised, and then thoughtful.

“Thanks,” Alec says slowly, and Magnus hurriedly turns to face Simon and Clary.

“Well, allow me to see you out. It looks like I’ve got a busy few days ahead of me.”

Alec confronts him a few days into their new living arrangements. He’s spent the past few days skirting around the edges of the loft, examining things and asking Magnus the odd question, and Magnus honestly can’t take much more of it. He keeps expecting Alec to drop a quick kiss on his forehead, or offer an opinion on a book he’s reading, or take his hand absent-mindedly to examine his new nail polish. He expects quiet laughter and unashamed flirting and even the odd complaint, but this Alexander is different. He’s reserved, and quiet, and stoic, and it takes a piece of Magnus with him every time he sees the curious wariness in Alec’s eyes.

And then Alec confronts him, as Magnus is combing through a stack of books, and he remembers just how smart and direct Alec can be.

“I’m not stupid,” Alec says quietly. “I know this has something to do with you. I was in your house when the spell backfired, and you knew who I was, but I don’t remember getting there. I don’t remember your face or your name. I was too confused, at the time, to think much of it, but you’re a part of this, somehow.”

His face creases up in pain, and Magnus hushes him. He puts the book down on the table beside him and steps forward.

“Just try and relax,” Magnus says soothingly. “Thinking about it is only going to cause you more pain, Alexander.”

“There’s that, too,” Alec says, through gritted teeth. “You call me Alexander. Not Alec, like everyone else does. And you always reach for me. I don’t think you even know you’re doing it.”

Magnus stares in surprise at his hands, which are poised in mid-air. He lowers them, and sits heavily on the nearest chair with a deep sigh. Alec watches him, his eyes intent and his expression pained.

“I’m right, aren’t I? It’s you that I’ve forgotten.”

Magnus clears his throat. “It appears that the magic has blocked me from your memory. All those missing spaces in your past are spaces that I used to fill.”

Alec sits down opposite him. There’s only a table between them, littered with herbs and books and vials, and yet it feels like an immeasurable distance, vast and wide. Magnus wants to reach out, but the idea of rejection fills him with dread.

“So, you were a friend? You must have been a good friend.”

Magnus doesn’t know how much of the truth will hurt Alec. He has a feeling that Alec already knows the truth, but is skirting around it.

“My things are here, my shoes and books. Or at least, I think they belong to me,” Alec muses. “So, we must have known each other well. Magnus, I—”

And then he drops his head into his hands, tension in every line of his face. His shoulders grow rigid with pain.

“That’s enough,” Magnus says firmly. This time, he does reach out, regardless of his own hesitation. He slides a hand across the table and prises one of Alec’s hand away from his face, revealing a miserable expression. Squeezing his fingers gently, and ignoring Alec’s startled look, he says, “I promise, Alexander, we will find a way to fix this. We’re so close to an answer. Just hold on a little longer for me.”

Magnus can hear the love in his own voice, the warmth and softness, the ache. Alec must know what he means to him by now, he must, but he doesn’t say anything. He simply leaves his hand loosely in Magnus’s grasp, and nods.

It takes Magnus three more days before he figures out the antidote. It involves a convoluted recipe, a list of ingredients that spans the length of the living room, and a bout of vicious threats towards inanimate objects when the first batch spills all over the carpet.

It takes three days of Alec ghosting around the edges of Magnus’s life, three days of him walking around the loft, picking things up that used to belong to him and frowning at them. Three days of him sparring, shirtless, in the middle of the living room, testing not only Magnus’s self-restraint, but also his sanity.

It takes three days before Magnus carefully pours the antidote into a vial, stoppers it, and breathes a sigh of relief.

He’s going to get his Alexander back.

For one heart-stopping moment, nothing happens. Magnus’s stomach sinks as Alec continues to frown, gazing off into space, and then the potion bottle slips from Alec’s fingers. Magnus darts forward to catch it, and when he straightens up, Alec is gazing at him in awe.

“It wasn’t that impressive,” Magnus jokes, waggling the bottle, but he can feel a spark of hope catch alight inside of him. There’s really only one reason why Alec would be staring at him like that, and he’s proved right a second later, when Alec surges forward to cup Magnus’s face with his hands. The bottle slips again, landing with a dull thud on the thick rug.

“Magnus,” Alec says hoarsely. His hands are warm and callused, and his thumb smooths a pathway Magnus’s cheekbone. Magnus lets his eyes fall close and leans into the warmth. He can feel his heart hammering away inside his chest, and he swears he’s never been this nervous in all his life.

“You remember?” He has to check. He has to be sure. “You remember me?”

Alec’s laugh is shaky and a little breathless. “How could I forget?”

Magnus swats him on the shoulder gently, opening his eyes. “Now really isn’t the time for teasing, love.”

He raises both hands to cling to Alec’s wrists, drawing them away from his face. He can feel Alec’s pulse stutter at the touch, under his forefinger, and he slides their hands together until they’re holding hands, fingers tangled together.

“I remember you,” Alec promises him. “I remember meeting you. I remember you making an awful joke about meat, of all things. I remember you teasing me about how you like a dirty lair.”

“Love a dirty lair, actually, darling,” Magnus corrects him. There’s relief in him, growing, blooming. He feels like he can breathe for the first time in days.

Alec’s eyes crinkle when he grins. Then he grows serious, his eyes shining. “I remember a lot of things, but mostly, I remember that I love you, and I wouldn’t be without you, whether I could remember you or not. I kept wanting to come back here, even when I didn’t know you. I wanted to be here, with you. I love you, Magnus Bane.”

Magnus breaks Alec’s hold on his hands to rush forward and kiss him. Alec inhales sharply as their mouths meet, and Magnus closes his eyes, hands stroking up Alec’s arms as they kiss slowly, shuffling forward to get as close to each other as possible, to breathe each other in. Alec sucks gently on his bottom lip, and Magnus pulls away with a tiny gasp before diving right back in again.

“I missed you,” Magnus says breathlessly, between kisses. “I missed kissing you, and I missed talking to you, and I missed picking up your god-awful socks from around my loft. I missed telling you that I love you.”

“You haven’t actually said it yet,” Alec teases, redirecting his attention to Magnus’s neck. “Not since I remembered you.”

“I love you,” Magnus says immediately. “Allow me to show you just how much.”

And then he pushes Alec, laughing giddily, in the direction of their bedroom.

In the morning, things grow a little more serious.

“What would you have done?” Alec asks, his voice deep and warm with sleep. They’re lying on the gold sheets, and Magnus’s eyes are half-mast. He feels pleasantly sleepy, but not tired. The bone-deep exhaustion has faded.

“If it hadn’t worked,” Alec continues, when Magnus quirks an eyebrow at him. “What would you have done if the antidote hadn’t worked?”

Magnus sits up, the sheets pooling around him. Alec stays where he is, gazing up at him seriously. Magnus knows there’s no right or wrong answer. He knows that Alec would understand, regardless of the answer he gives.

“I would have tried again,” Magnus says. “Until I found one that worked.”

“And if you didn’t find one?”

“I have a very long life ahead of me,” Magnus says, deflecting slightly with a teasing grin. “I would have found one eventually.”

Alec sits up slowly and cups his chin with a gentle grasp. He presses a soft kiss to Magnus’s lips, and then draws back slowly, thoughtfully.

“If something like this ever happens again, you have to promise me something,” Alec says. “You have to promise me that you’d do what’s best for you, in the long run. The last thing I want is to lose you, but I want you to be unhappy even less. It would kill me if you spent your life hurting because of something like this.”

“It would kill me to spend my life without you, Alexander,” Magnus says gravely, and Alec’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly.

They both know there’s no easy answer here, so Magnus takes the most obvious route, brushing his fingers along Alec’s cheek.

“How about we both promise to do what’s best for the both of us, if something like this ever happens again? Does that work?”

Magnus knows there’s no easy answer. He knows there’s no way either of them could be truly happy if something like this happened again, if it weren’t resolved. He also knows that right now, Alec is here, with him, whole and safe and sound, and for right now, that’s more than enough.

Alec smiles softly, that familiar, loving smile, and his eyes fix on Magnus, recognising him, knowing him. He tilts his head and kisses Magnus’s palm reverently, and Magnus sighs happily.

“Yeah, Magnus. That works.”

#arrowsandwhiskeykisses #malecsanta17 #*fic17 #*gifts17

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

Vol. 14

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- MTV's 120 Minutes w/ Alan Hunter:

*Alan has to be pulled out of his dressing room listening to George Jones (Sure, George is way too manly for Alan)

*The pinnacle of man towered over by skyscrapers in a very 20th century modern art ad for athletic 80s yuppies who drink milk. Yuppies listen to Phil Collins on evening MTV, not late night 120 minutes alternative bands.

*Wrigley's gum w/ nutrasweet for sweater wearing 80s families to chew on long bike rides.

*Awesomely 80s retro ad for a Casio keyboard drum that has a dorky guy walking around the type of alley Michael Jackson would dance in until he meets a sexy looking keyboard player who would fit right in with Prince's band at the time.

*TSOL "Colors": Another edgy new wave The Cult-esque sounding music video featuring cowboys. What was up with these bands & cowboys? Depeche Mode did it too. Decent.

*Walk in the West "Lonely Boy": Another edgy cowboy themed video? This time with the alt version of Cougar Mellon? This is more bluesy & has some of those awesome 80s video editing techniques with the band superimposed over shots of driving through rural America. Decent.

*The Descendents "Kids On Coffee": Very 80s punk/hardcore aesthetics featuring mugs of coffee & pictures of Molly Ringwald for some reason. Decent.

*Some new alternative records for the week are gone over by Alan. A few hip hop show up. Not sure if these were quirky hip hop acts or if hip hop was still considered a niche.

*Nickelodeon tips from Dennis. Nick still aired the Menace at this point. Now the black & white, non-trying-to-be-a-Teeny-Bopper-Pop-Star-themed show would give tween brats a seizure.

*Hey, "hoppin' & bobbin'" 80s family, sign up for HBO & cable. You'll get a free phone alarm clock too. Huh? Phone alarm clock? Whose dumb idea was that invention? People will never sleep beside their phones & use them for alarms *wink*

*Vomitous preview for a Joan London talk show about being a great mom & Mother's day on the Lifetime Network. Now, Joan stars in a commercial about putting her dear old mom in a nursing home to get rid of her. Ha!

*A generic new wave pop band "The Hooters" in an MTV bumper & performing & bowing, in front of a concert crowd, as a god awful song by them with the lyrics "Day by day" plays.

*Another cartoon graphics bumper for MTV featuring a jackpot machine scroll. More imagination went in to all these old bumpers than has gone into actual MTV programmingin the last almost two decades since the early 2000s.

*Joe Piscopo in a Miller Lite beer ad playing an over the top 80s wrestler, named Python Piscopo, taking over a seedy dive bar

*"Captain EO" a strangely forgotten Disney theme park music video / movie attraction produced by George Lucas & starring Michel Jackson. Looks good if you like MJ's 80s videos & Star Wars.

*James "So Many Ways": An Aussie sounding new wave singer is dancing, around a field of amber grains, like a spastic. Something new wave singers were known for doing. Dancing like a spastic. Nice, soaring, Bono-esque vocals. More than decent via video cliches.

*The Housemartins "Happy Hour": Quirky U.K. band in a pub partying themed video w/ California Raisins style animation. Terrific.

*Get a KODAK Supralife battery & be able to play air guitar longer beside your giant 80s ghetto blaster boombox. Awesome.

*"Did You know?" ad w/ 1-800 number for ordering a Yugo compact car. Pretty cheap too for a new car under 4,000. Not sure how much a new car cost in the 80s, but it would be hard to get a used car w/out 100,000 plus miles on the motor for anywhere near that amount today.

*Pringles Sour Cream & Onion dip chips has the Royal Family going goofy for the flavor.

*The low fi "do it yourself" aesthetics of videos by bands like Gene Loves Jezebel are something corporate produced videos can't re-capture.

*Gene Loves Jezebel "Heartache": Okay, I might have spoke too soon. The band had signed with Geffen records by the point of this video & the earlier clip doesn't apply. This video is slick w/ better camerawork, but the band's music still manages to shine thru. ---- Decent.

*The Bolshoi "A Way": This Brit band takes over some nice mum's quaint home to film aspooky little number for I.R.S. records 80s R.E.M.'s label

*"The Long Ryders" a hopeful "band" (not sure if real), in a Miller Beer ad, perform theircorny bar band rock & roll in a bar in Hollywood near Tower Records.

*Another stereotypical 80s dorky teen (the kind in every 80s teen movie) plays a CASIO keyboard in his totally 80s bedroom for his bored out of its mind hound-dog w/ big ears

*A 50s via the 80s "Leave it to Beaver" type nerd talks in the mirror about Cracker Jacks & then shares them with his sweetheart.

*Wrap up Hollywood hit movies like "The Karate Kid" & "The Al Jolson Story" (complete w/ him in facepalmingly funny black face) for only $29.95

*Soft & Dri ladies deodorant helps a cute black chick get ready for her tv news debut

*MTV's "Make My Video" contest for a chance to make a video for Madonna. Wow! 80s Madonna was iconic, I'll have to admit. Right up there with all the other 80s icons. Pretty to boot. Also included, in winning, is a surplus of Twix candy bars & a Levis wardrobe. I'd like to see some of the terrible entries from the contest.

*Bang "Summertime" an MTV Basement tapes winner: This NYC street video featuring a garage band that looks like KISS minus makeup feels like it would belong more on regular MTV or Headbangers Ball. --- Fair.

*Cactus World News "The Bridge": A big, soaring U2 sounding band plays for a concert festival. --- Decent.

*Alan insults Cactus World News & blames it on a music article. I admire the bite that MTV wouldn't show today in insulting an artist on their network. They'd be considered a product that would be above criticism today, if they still had vj's or music videos. Still, Alan is the wrong person to be hosting this show, as MTV would soon figure out.

*The Go-Betweens "Head Full Of Steam": Video w/ a band that has a prissy looking leadsinger & Cure video style aesthetics. Nice crooning. -- Decent.

*80s mallrat teens tired of waiting forever for zits to go away get Clearasil & then beat it on their mopad or skateboard to the local foodcourt to gawk at each other while screwing up their skin even more with chocolate milkshakes & greasy pizza slices. The winner: corporate America. The loser: hormonal teens & their scraping to get by parents.

*Toni volumizer makes any 80s chick look like a high fashion sex kitten.

*"Heartbeat of America is today's Chevrolet"... This was a time when picturesque Americana actually might have meant something before global trade sent automotive jobs overseas.These quirky Americans & American made autos have vanished. Replaced by crumbling urban landscapes (Detroit), jobless & depressed people, along with foreign made products & autos.

*Sammy Hagar era Halen takes over MTV for a week. Would have been more fun w/ Diamond Dave. Can't imagine any band taking over MTV anymore much less one like Van Halen.

*The Wind "Good News, Bad News": A funny semi-acoustic duo music act performs for their neighbors in block party black & white video. Close to decent.

*A Brit rock (nobody that I recognize) ex-junkie for a "No Drugs & Alcohol" sober music making experience 1 - 800 recovery number. Being sober is probably why his music career is so forgettable.

*James Brown for MTV. James Brown popular in the 60s & here still recognized on MTV in the late 80s. Current MTV doesn't recognize music much less music legends.

*Cryin' Out Loud "Live It Up": "I ain't no Marxist" a lyrical band w/ "a message." Fair.

*Awesome post-apocalyptic arena combat ad for a "Lazer Tag" toy. "Stadium not included ."Ha. Someone must have complained that their backyard wasn't as fantasy like as this ad.

*"VCR Theater," every night at 2am on The Movie Channel, helps rock lovin' chicks, who sleep with their electric guitar, record a flick. Why the rock & roll theme was included, in the ad, must have been because the ad was MTV specific. Otherwise, it makes no sense.

*Penn & Teller have "blood & fire" as they guest host MTV. "Born to be wild" badasses.

*A rock & roll hotel in "Playin' For Keeps" rated PG13. 80s PG, which GoodBadFlicks.com would tell you might equal a little R rated sex & nudity & language w/ the comedy. I had forgotten this 80s movie. Might be a forgotten gem, might be well a forgotten dud.

*Christy Brinkley for taking a shower & using Prell shampoo. I, like Chevy Chase, am all for getting a little wet w/ the very sexy 80s model Christy Brinkley.

*More bad jokes & bad silver jackets from Alan.

*Timbuk 3 "Future's So Bright, Gotta Wear Shades": A minor classic. terrific.

*Christmas "Big Plans": Clever points for the band name. Clever & quirky video featuring mailroom drudgery. The band escapes into a fantasy world filled with cliche 80s cheesy & weird video editing techniques. Close to terrific.

*Alan's head is now a talking head in an 80s tv set. Silver 80s tv sets w/ either a rabbit's ears antenna or a dial cable box are more art & make me feel more happy than a 60 inch flat screen wall hanging home movie theater experience to watch crappy 20 tens era reality shows on. Those old tvs played awesome UHF local tv stations & awesome at the time cable channels.

*Every day Joes drink Miller beer after they get off work from their blue collar jobs. It's the "American Way" of getting liver disease & addiction & emotional / relationship problems when you're "Born & raised in the U.S.& A."

*"Top Gun, the number one soundtrack" w/ music from Kenny Loggins, Berlyn, & Loverboy. Coming to a yuppie moron's car stereo near you! (unfortunately)

*"Dippity Do" hair styling gel for futuristic 80s weirdos.

*MTV was hip in the 80s, I might not say this enough, & for clarity on how "cool" it actually was... it had guys sticking their fists up chicken butts & wiggling said fist, while their bald heads were covered in whip or shaving cream. Why? Why not?

*The Rainmakers "Let My People Go-Go": Funky, bluesy, quirky, top hat wearing band rocks the house (literallY) while their horn section blows it up out in some rural decay while walking around w/ the bulldog from Little Rascals. Decent.

*Billy Chinmock "Somewhere in the Night": tape cut out, so who knows, didn't look like it was gonna be great for an alt video what w/ its aesthetics of a high style 80s babe walking down a foggy back alley. zero.

I think at this point in 1980's 120 minute alt rock history, they had mistaken alot of the popular bluesy rock of the time for alt rock & mixed it in w/ the Brit new wave. It didn't mesh together well. I guess none of the music on 120 minutes history ever truly did through the changing time periods & trends. At least it existed for a while & was something a bit different.

*Limited Warranty "Hit You": 120 Minutes has definitely gone off, at this point, but the tape has another video for me. It's a new wave pretty boy group. In the style of A-Ha "Take on Me." It's nothing terrible for what it is. Pretty catchy like most of that kind of music was. Decent, I guess.

close to 2 for Alan, close to 3 for MTV, 2 1/2 for videos, 2 1/2 for ads

--------------------------------------

Geraldo Rivera: Exposing Satan's Underground *"This is a horror that will give children bad dreams." We're not talking about Satan,no, it's Geraldo's mustache. Jokes & utter stupidity aside... Seriously, after all his 80s & 90s tabloid garbage "news" hysteria, it's unbelievable that Geraldo still has a career in journalism.* zero stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Ouija Boards & Near Death Experiences *The mind can be deceived through cheap games & brain power-outs.* close to 3 stars

--- DinosaurDracula.com presents Creepy Commercials Countdown:

*Sunkist Spooky Fruit (1989): Eat enough gummy fruit flavored snacks & wake up, from a candy coma, in a cemetery filled w/ animated trees, lounge about skeletons, & purple people eaters from the stars.* 2 stars

*Easter Seals Halloween Coupons w/ Vincent Price (1990): "Halloween doesn't have to be spooky." It's blasphemy for a lame organization to get one of the most symbolically spooky actors of all time to say this. "It should be warm & friendly." Even if it's meant to be ironic & Vincent Price sure reads it that way, it sucks. I want Halloween to be like Halloween 3, and end horribly. Well, at least in my imagination. Candy & fright. Not "safe" coupons.* 1 star

*Coors Light Beer w/ Elvira (1991): If I were an Addams family style disembodied hand & I met Elvira, I would do more than try to hand her a beer. I would crawl down the front of her very open black dress & never come out. Also, I wouldn't mind being at a Halloween party stuck behind Elvira in one of those two person horse costumes.* 3 stars

*Spooky Goop Halloween Make-Up (1988): Be the coolest & weirdest kid on the block going from cheap ghoul face paint to full on Fulci's Zombi grotesque skin.* 3 stars

*The People's Court Frankenstein Promo (1988): Village idiots will kill over daytime trash tv. Dr. Frankenstein & his monster (son?) would have been great guests on Jerry Springer.* close to 3 stars

----------------------------

Public Access: "My Name Is John Daker" *A mumbling piano lady, of some Methodist church according to her, & a mumbling male singer who couldn't be more stiff. They attempt a song about "The Lord" only for it to devolve into jaunty number about the moon hitting one's eye like a big-ah pizza pie.* either 1 star or 3 stars terrible becoming terrific

--- Red Letter Media presents Best of the Worst: Shakma, Python II, and Beaks the Movie

*Shakma: A crazy baboon on the loose while its victims live action role play in a college animal testing lab.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 (for primate slasher premise cuteness)

*Python II: One of those crappy CGI snake genre flicks. A genre that would be further made worse by SYFY & Asylum later on in the 2000s. The python looks startling, in its scenes, but I do not know if that's just all the taco soup, that I ate earlier, talking or what.* 1 1/2 stars

*Beaks the Movie: The VHS box cover says "unintentionally funny." See, hipsters, our VHS ancestors were self aware too. So, this is pretty much an Italian exploitation version of Hitchcock's "The Birds" complete w/ that Eye-Talian auteur creative cliche of animal cruelty. Such a dumb premise taken to its heights of ridiculousness, but M. Night would try it with "The Happening" & there's the "wants to be so bad so bad it's good" but isn't "Birdemic 1 & 2." Not really all that fun, except to Red Letter's Rich.* 1 star

According to Red Letter Media, Beaks is best (by default) Shakma is divisive & Python 2 was supposed to get destroyed by beach birds but they don't like birdseed covered VHS tapes

-------------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Buddy Scott trio in the elevator *An office worker ant is trapped in his coffin falling a hundred plus floors to hell. He cheers up when a lounge act sing to him the message that he's "heading to the top." Penn Jillette (then voice of Comedy Central) says to "Think positive."* 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*You Gotta Be Kidding Me: The customer is always a pain in the rear of the golf shorts.* 1 star

*They're Coming For Your Kids!: "For the cost of two Cokes," & one soul, they'll become manipulative salespeople of religious literature on their school campuses.* 1 or 3 stars

*The Net: "From astrology to gardening & punk rock."* close to 3 stars

*Telephone Song!: Be correct when you dial collect. Tween girls discover the power of the telephone. They all do.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rock Music & the Occult: "God isn't interested in impressing teenagers." Hence the reason that Satan's rock music is so successful.* 3 stars

----------------------------

"B Videos 101 Vol. 1" *"Perfect, no one suspects" that Andy Griffith is a bar brawling deviant, that Redd Foxx is from a galaxy far far away, or that Papa Smurf likes to have his salad tossed.* 2 1/2 stars & zero stars for the doo doo Jackson Pollock porno finale

--- Phone Losers:

*Security Cam Pranks - The Kitchen Couple: An outrageous & short lived invasion of boring breakfast table privacy.* either zero or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security Prank Call - Peace of Mind: Every hour on the hour reassurance is bothersome & as comforting as forced prayer.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Rich Neighborhood Prank Calls: We've been going through your trash, & we don't like what we find.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tenants from Hell - Archaeological Dig Site: Before you hear it on the news, we want to let you know about the giant skeletons & the buried alien technology that we found.* close to 3 stars

-----------------------

Beavis & Butthead: It's So Cold in the D *"This is hard to dance to." Detroit has fallen on such hard times, the very danceable to hip hop sounds more like a funeral song.*

2 1/2 stars w/ riffing

1 star w/out

5 Dollar Wrestling: Death Match Dance Party *"Blood in the roller-rink."* 2 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*How To Have Cybersex on the Internet: "those who have mastered the art of one handed typing."* close to 3 stars

*It Only Takes A Second: "to be safe" or die in a hilariously horrible accident.*

3 stars

*Mr. Nasty - Insult VHS Tape: Mr. Nasty is such a bad insult comedian, he makes Andrew Dice Clay look like Jeffry Ross who looks like Nazi propaganda of a Jew on marijuana.* 1 star

*What Does God Say About Worldliness: "It's better to go to a funeral than to go to a party." Maybe so, but it's not as much fun. So this failed comedian, turned touring for money evangelist, says one can have a fine stable of horses, cars, or women... but HaHa, it's a one way ticket to H-E-L-L. The evangelical sort of brags about having a stable of finely bred horses, by the way. His audience looked like they were at a funeral. No smiles, no laughs, no horses, just misery. I thought they called it the gospel (good news).* 1 star

*Something's Happening: Watching the mucus sizzle. The "stuff that's killing the world" (mucus) of a old man / mucus conspiracy theorist. (What did I just watch?!)* Uh? stars?

------------------------------

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Coma

*Joe Bob has on his gloriously un-politically correct rebel flag western shirt (Joe Bob is just too un-PC for current tv) & he does a funny editorial on the world's obsession with wrapping the everyday garbage products we produce & consume up with so much other wrapping that there's no real garbage anymore just the plastic we used to hold all the crap we consumed.

*TNT had such a hard on for E.R. coming to TNT, Joe Bob says that's the reason the first flick is E.R. creator Michael Crichton's "Coma"

*Drive In totals: 77 dead bodies... 8 breasts 2 living 6 dead (censored)... Brain slicing kidney weighing.. vegetable handling.. organ donating.. plastic covered peni (Devious look on Joe Bob's face as he says this).. death by electrocution... gratuitous New England antiquing... fire extinguisher fu.. cadaver fu..

*Huggies ad w/ a baby parachuting out of a plane thru fluffy clouds. Don't diapers sell themselves? Babies are cute, sure, but is this to convince new parents of that fact & to make the awful reality of changing shitty diapers not have them wanting to put their brat up for adoption?

*Dennis Miller for dollar collect calls & being a smug asshole. Only good thing that he ever did was Weekend Update on SNL, & Norm was better at it. Fallon & Tina not my choice...Colin Quinn pretty okay...

*Fisher Price Rescue Mission toddler action figures ad... Huh? This isn't Saturday morning cartoon commercial breaks? This is after 11pm TNT. Why the ads for kids & their parents?

*A dog dreams about bacon in the classic "Beggin Strips" commercial. I think this would not be politically correct now either. Dogs can't eat bacon because their owners have to feed them liberal nazi approved gluten free & non-processed healthy meat dog food. Surely no bacon, a little chicken (no hormones) & they'd just love to take meat away from dogs & make them vegans. They don't go that far yet, but PETA probably does with their pets.

*Leann Rimes (sp?) croons the classic country song "Blue" while images of picturesque Maine play in a Red Lobster commercial. Nice combo.

*An ad about the type of toothbrush (Oral B) a dentist uses, & so should you. Dentists also have free access to all the high tech dental cleaning & surgery tools in their office, so why does it matter that they use a certain toothbrush at home? It doesn't.

*WCW's "The Giant" has nostrils so big that he could inhale most normal size people. Check him out on TNT's WCW Monday Nitro.

*Ikea turns a subway train into a kitschy living space for the daily grind passengers. Ikea furniture also is the decor of one of the sub levels of Hell.

*Joe Bob reads from the "trashy" novel version of Coma while he sips from his Budweiser covered in a TNT logo coozy.

*Another of the countless "never need another" "get back to your outdoor life" allergy rx ads. I wonder if evolved alien civilizations, out there in the stars, still deal w/ allergy problems on their planets filled w/ lush plant life...

*Firestone helps a young college age guy & his dog get back out on the road of life in his beat up convertible. "Saved money too." Sure, mechanics aren't rip off artists.

*Visit the TNT website for NBA news, a Babylon 5 chatroom (you were a legit nerd if you were on a chat site like this in the 90s, not a hipster nerd), even a Monstervision page

*$1.99 Disney toys in Happy Meals has a future out of the closet broadway kid putting on a living room show, along w/ his sister, for his parents who are too cheap to buy real toys or cook an actual healthy dinner for their kids. Harsh, but whatever.

*Kevin Nealon, another Weekend Update SNL alumni, sells out to a collect call ad.

*Antz, one of the early CGI Pixar style movies. Has some of the charm, if I'm remembering correctly, of those CGI cartoon movies for kids, not as obnoxious as most, but the animation hasn't aged well (imo).

*Monks avoid breaking their vow of silence by chewing "Beano" before eating gassy salads at dinner. First semi clever & funny & not despisable ad of the night.

*Digitally restored, & w/ dvd style extras, episodes of Star Trek coming to 1990s Sci Fi channel hosted by Shatner.

*Joe Bob has an I.V. drip ran into his beer to keep with the medical theme.

*Joe Bob makes a joke about Dustin Hoffman being a midget who has to wear platform pimp shoes. ha

*Two patronizing ads to talk about. One w/ a less manly man who needs to get a mid sized Sonoma pick up truck like a "real man." Another about a old maid going to Tru Value to pick up (not truck) a can of paint to match her cat's furball.

*Eggo's new microwave pancakes (I'm sure they're edible?) make a dad believe he's a short order breakfast cook at a greasy spoon diner. One where truckers show up in a family's kitchen in the morning. If truckers are showing up in your kitchen, uninvited, it's not for griddle cakes. It's cause you're gettin' raped.

*Wanna check out what whitebread 90s peoples looked like, view this "So easy to use, no wonder it's #1" America Online 1 800 number commercial

*"Come see the softer side of SEARS" Short story, every time I used to go to the mall ,I somehow ended up entering thru the SEARS appliance section. So, first I was greeted by refrigerators, washers, dryers, color tvs (Dire Straits, wink). The softer side, the SEARS clothing section, was way off in another part of the mall. Some tucked away corner. By the time that I was there, mall anxiety was really getting to me. I wanted to Tom Savini "Dawn of the Dead" special fx kill a few mall motherfuckers. Not really. I'm more timid & just wanted to run back out the way I came thru all the appliances.

*Joe Bob talks about Rip Torn being a good ole Texas boy & having starred in an episode of I Love Lucy. Joe Bob doesn't really like Lucy (me either) but feels like he's seen every episode (me too for some reason).

*Joe Bob blames Nick at Nite for classic tv osmosis, & says we're better off watching "hick at nite." I definitely digged TNT's Monstervision & 100 % Weird, but there were a few late nite Nick at Nite shows worth watching like F-Troop & Dobie Gillis among others

*"Get back to the groovy 60s" w/ flower power & free love? No. McDonald's Big-Macs & fries instead. The secret sauce is almost as good as sex & for 49 cents, the same price a burger was in 1969, I'm in. Don't take the brown acid or Grimace will really freak you out, mannnn!

*Kinkos guido competitors think it's better to have comedy than color printing. Not a bad ad going off one viewing & not having it ran into the ground like tv ads' fate goes.

*"Smile you got French's Smile you got fun." French's mustard. Smile you got heartburn. Smile you got a nasty yellow stain on your white t-shirt. Points for the dog, in the ad, w/ a whole hotdog held sideways in his mouth w/out swallowing. That had to have lasted all of 2 seconds. Dogs swallow everything whole in seconds.

*Cute commercial w/ live bears dressed up like a mama bear & her school aged children little bears. She dresses them up in backpacks & sends them off into the woods to go to school. She packs a lunch of rice krispie treats in wrappers. Bears & people food don't mix. The bears probably destroyed the set to eat all the sticky candy & mauled a few school children once they got to school.

*Motorola phones & pagers give NYC hipster yuppies "wings." It's a fashion model / actress who attended suit & gown parties while also keeping it real w/ her across town jeans & t-shirt boyfriend. Not sure how many regular folks had a cell phone at this point. Pagers were pretty popular yet ghetto.

*Campbells tries to give moms the delusion that their teenage sons will leave the bedroom & the Playstation long enough to have a family meal in the kitchen.

*Hip Hop tapdance meets RiverDance meets the Salsa dance in a TOPS appliance ad. Why they needed to spice up an appliance store grand opening is just a sign of the popularity of River Dance crap at this point in the 90s.

*TimeWarner cable, it's like a bagel penetrated by the Empire State building. No, really, that's the image they put on the screen. Not sexual subliminal at all, wink wink. Either that or they're saying, "Fuck you, New York, pay your overpriced TimeWarner cable bill, 'cause we got our figurative giant dick up your ass!"

*Joe Bob claims to have been kicked out of a convent of nuns. Fox in the hen-house.

*I think it's important to view these old (not too old) ads, because the sinister hand appears, & is more visible given the historical context. It shows that sinister hand has always been around trying to make the world outside the hamster wheel seem prettier than it really is.

*Wear Target clothes & look like a model photographed in stunning black & white photography Yep.

*Tony Danza is the boss of fifty percent off collect calls. These collect calls ads were the pathetic celebrity precursor to things like Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice & Dancing w/ the Stars.

*Preview for James Garner in a TNT original movie along with Kathleen Turner. Ted Turner had a real hard on for old actors like Garner.

*A Geico car insurance fairy ad. Geico were already torturing people at this point? Hmmm.

*Another Geico ad w/ a business guy bumming a ride on the back of a chicken truck w/ feathers flying in his mouth & all over the place. Quirky, but still Geico, & they've worn out their welcome long ago.

*Joe Bob & Reno the Mail Girl discuss Bill Clinton lowering the standards of America's women w/ his flawed Southern charm & looks.

*"Words instead of letters" to the tune of "Sweet nuthins" on Motorola Wings pagers. The era of text messages has begun. Interesting ad for historical purposes.

*A pretty lady leans out of the darkness, turns on a light, & says "Do you see the tar stains on my teeth or smell the tobacco on my breath?" Well, no I don't have smell-o-vision & whatever happened to Targon mouthwash? Smokers just don't give a shit anymore. The rising price of smoking (health, money, & legally) has worn smokers down.

*Clairol hair color. Coloring one's hair can make that person feel like a "natural wo-man."

*Joe Bob thinks that the TNT censors are out to blur comatose boobs because they mistakenly think the sight of them will make people wanna screw nekkid corpses.

*Joe Bob ridicules the plot holes & foolishness involving bumbling security guards & a heroine who is clued in but clueless.

*Coma: A sleuthing surgeon almost sinks trying to stop a corrupt hospital conspiracy of organ harvesting for profit & having a social climbing coworker boyfriend (Michael Douglas) who doesn't, til almost her end, believe her conspiracy.*

running from 2 to 2 1/2 stars for Coma, 3 for Joe Bob, & 1 1/2 for the ads

--------------------------------

The Young Turks: Fox News's War On... Sharks *Clear the waters, sharks, people are number 1.* 2 stars (edit years later: I used to occasionally get news from the turds at Turks. how dumb.)

Public Access: "Live TV Prank Calls To Pro-911 Communist Public Access Host" (youtube) *Bluff & guff.* either 1/2 or 1 star

James Randi & Psychic Crime Solving *Police don't officially use psychics but often rely on their illogical detective work.* either 1/2 (what'd you expect? other than sensational lies by the psychic. which this time didn't happen. therefore dull reading.) or 3 stars

==== The Comfort Zone w/ Ray Comfort:

"Ray Comfort's New Homosexuality Movie" ("Audacity" ha...)

*"People were begging" this Aussie sounding evangelical, Kirk Cameron's buddy, the guy who debated, along with Kirk, atheists.

They were begging him to make a movie about gay ole homosexuality in the non-happy sin sense.

He's also infamous for a video where he talks about evolution & creation using a banana as an example.*

runs from 1 to close to 2 stars

(He's rather polite & there's not a lot of hate towards gays as usual w/ these things.)

(edit, years later:

when you're a shitlib supporter of gay rights, you put them up on a pedestal.

not realizing how truly degenerate they are.

this is way before I saw pics of what really goes on at pride parades.

where oral & anal sex takes place on the street along w/ half naked men in leather & clown outfits performing spankings & bondage acts.

many times, other non-gay themselves equal rights, for queers, supporters (like i was) would bring their families (including children) there to support these pride marches. that's a folly that should open more eyes. not sure it does when one is that blinded w/ the mindset of "don't judge" & "love is love"... ugh... smh in disgust & shame

here I was poking fun at a dumb evangelical (man of faith in a faithless world. an easy target.) & his banana folly

while thinking anyone else was intolerant or ignorant for holding onto tradition in the face of such odd & socially dysfunctional behavior.

forgive me.)

================================================================================

Conan on TBS: James Bobo Fay Got His Hands On Sasquatch Semen *Bobo is willing to "take one for the team" of bigfoot hunters. In the name of pseudo-science & love.* 2 1/2 stars

Kenny vs. Spenny: Who Is Cooler? *Kenny overdosing on black tar heroin or Spenny, Kenny's caring nurse, dressed up like a "Greek rapist" (Johnny Depp)? The obvious loser gets locked in a cold meat locker.* close to 3 stars

"Fan Made Dominos Pizza Commercial featuring a fake The Undertaker" *Okay, so it's the Summer of 1992? It's a few months before the World Wrestling Federation pay per view wrestling show "Summerslam." Beware though The Undertaker has been missing for months. That's not the strange part, no, the strange part is that The Naked Gun's Leslie Nielsen had been out searching for him in vignettes. Dominos pizza was the sponsor. Here, some real nerds borrow a vhs camcorder, their Dominos delivery gremlin of a car, & a nighttime cemetery to film one of their friends dressed up like their hero, The Under-taker, lurking behind a tree while, in said graveyard, ordering pizza through the power of the darkside? Not exactly sure, but he got them to deliver w/out paying for the pizza & only leaving an autographed picture of himself as a tip.* 3 stars for absurd effort

Look Around You: Food *Vegetable orchestra for the Feast of Saint Frankenstein. Featuring a piping hot casserole made out of recycled & dehydrated food that pushes the fat right out of the skin. Or you could stay home & celebrate your birthday with a delivery medicinal-pizza.* close to 3

"New Orleans Airwaves - The Mystery Morgus Episode" *Serialized & shot on grainy film, circa 1960s, mad science lab hijinks w/ all the gloriously ghoulish trappings.* more than 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Christian Star Wars: It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for an Imperial lazer beam to penetrate the soul of a believer.* 3 stars

*Anybody Can Make Chili Dogs: Knock on a stranger's door & share the message of love topped w/ a variety of condiments to mask the bland taste of grinded pig's anus packaged in a tube form.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Machine Gun Magic: "They're not for everyone." Just those who can't get enough of that tat-a-tat-tat action.* 1 star

*Police Scanner: The suspect appears to be an obese house-cat.*

either 1/2 a star or fair

*Why Wait For Heaven: The babyboom generation were really susceptible to cult thought & behavior.*

either 1 or 2 1/2 stars (eye opener, I'm now a mindless believer)

-------------------------------------

Manimal: Night of the Beast *Simple bear necessities of wildnerness life trying to be corrupted & turned into a casino resort for the mafia. Robert Englund (not quite Freddy just yet) vs. Manimal. There's a destructive claw, in the movie, but it's not Freddy's. It's Manimal in a ridiculous looking bear suit.* 2 1/2 stars

Men Without Hats - Safety Dance (Literal Version) *"Whack a midget's ass."* 2 1/2 stars for literal 3 stars for original

Angry Video Game Nerd: Seaman for Dreamcast *It has Leonard Nimoy. It eats time & knowledge. It says / does "fuck." It's not logical... or is it? (Cue creepy sci fi music)* 3 stars

The Young Turks: Man Breaks Leg Attempting To Rape Horse *Sadly "it wasn't his first "rodeo"..."* 1 star

Hannibal: Fromage *Lures & lutes. Hannibal gets into a kung fu showdown w/ a fellow serial killer.*

3 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: PETA & Eat This! *Ethical? No. Infact, insanely evil. Emaciated? Yes. ------ Stop expecting results. Start exacting change. Avoid batshit crazy activists at all cost. They'd starve us all.* 3 stars

---- Memory Hole:

*I'm Obese Song: Just tryna tell you people that I'm messed up.* 3 stars

*Meatsack Worshipers: It puts the cow tongue on its skin or else it won't ever get Fritos again.* close to 3 stars

*Salad Tossers: Hidden Valley's behind closed doors food fetishes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Satan's Dinner Prayer: Dig in, hooves first.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Dance Til U Puke: Achy Breaky Rappers never die. They cry "unbutton my fly."* 3 stars

---------------------

"Munchies" (1987) *Roger Corman produced Gremlins ripoff starring Harvey Korman as a polyester sleazeball bumbling villain. Exists in a quirky America similar to Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks."* running from 2 down to 1 1/2 stars

---- Reel Wild Cinema w/ Sandra Bernhard : Supernatural Sirens

*Creepy Mexican 1940s Universal Horror looking horror short called "Curse of the Crying Woman." Pretty darn creppy, and much more depraved than Universal Horror.

*Sandra wants to slap a bitch (The Crying Woman) & then go get a massage (ha)

*Sandra says not to mess with the hearts of Texas witches or sell your soul to Hollywood

*"The Naked Witch" a story about Bruce Campbell's hipster twenty something year old uncle riding the backroads of Texas, in the 1960s, accidentally bringing back to life buried & vengeful femme fatales. while all the time narrating to himself about it.

*Sandra drops some info about the director of "Naked Witch" filming another flick called "Naughty Dallas" in a strip club owned by Lee Harvey Oswald's assassin Jack Ruby

*Comedian Dana Gould joins Sandra to talk about capes, masks, & restraining orders.

*Sandra gives a hilarious history lesson on Mexican imports including pain killers, ponchos, various other things from Tijuana, & most of all El Santo horror/sci fi movies

*"Samson vs. The Vampire Women"... Watch as El Santo gets "monkey flipped," then puts a werewolf in a "camel clutch" wrestling submission hold. I love typing that sentence.

*1950s retro ad where a woman shows off her Playtex magic plastic bra as she turns completely invisible, except for her underwear, in a grocery store of all places.

*Dana talks w/ Sandra about his friendship w/ Ed Wood's starlet Vampira (sp?). Great story about how she met a rollerskating Bela Lugosi on Hollywood Boulevard. Ha. awesome.

*"The Girl in the Cage"... a 1960s kooky nudie short minus the nudity. We can watch the kitschy siren paw at her bamboo prison, but no nudity. 'Cause even though we're all adults & this is late night, the Puritans who wouldn't ever watch this, & the kids, whose parents ought to have them in bed by late night tv time, might get offended. Nice jungle girl strip tease, none the less.

*Buy a Viva Santo t-shirt from this 1 800 number ad. Do it before Hot Topic puts it up at their store & makes it not cool to wear anymore. Shortly after, they did.

*Grindhouse coming attractions commercials for "The Werewolf vs. The Vampire Woman"... "Devil Woman" a cobra charming she bitch flick from Asia.... "Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico" a Frankenstein sexploitation feature....

*No surprise to find out, via the credits, that the show's "Film Doctor" is none other than the director of "Basket Case" & "Frankenhooker"

3 stars for the shorts & 3 stars for Sandra

----------------------------------

--- Crematia's Horrorscopes (old school tv horror host):

*Aries "A man w/ a glass eye will try to catch yours as his rolls under a table"... Not a bad way to meet. "Meet cutes" make me wanna puke. Glass eyes usually make me want to puke, too, This however I like.

*Taurus "A gardener will ask you to propagate. Don't do it. Ask him to fix the latch." If you have to be told not to screw your gardener, you need more than your horrorscope read. Gardeners don't look the way sexless middle aged women imagine them to be. No six-pack & tan. Only a mustache w/ bread crumbs in it. "Fix the latch." He's not a gynecology expert, either, I'm sure. If you can afford a gardener, you can afford a trip to the vagina doctor. We're already asking enough work, at slave wages, from our illegal help.

*Gemini "Cockroaches will stage a counter-revolution in your kitchen." Wouldn't that make the cockroaches already the oppressive regime in one's house if that were so?... No hiding when the lights come on. It's the humans crawling around in the dark trying to throw molotov cocktails in order to get access to the cereal cabinet or the fridge. Are they gonna booby trap cans of roach spray so that it will explode in the human's hands? That sounds more revolutionary than counter-revolutionary.

*Cancer "You'll be given a gift that requires batteries." This had to be tame in order to be on basic tv. But is a sex toy joke being worked in here? Not funny & probably not.

*Leo "A poultry farmer will ask you to do foul things, but you'll chicken out." Okay, maybe I was wrong about the last one not being about a sex toy. This is getting pretty grotesque. "Chickening out" hints at being interested in the first place. I don't know too many women or men who'd have to turn over in their heads the notion of doing foul things w/ a guy who more than likely smells of chicken feces even after bathing. Someone might be in to that. Someone w/out a gag reflex (I don't mean that in an oral sex sense).

*Virgo "A woman will view your clothing w/ disdain & offer you club soda." Bad joke.

*Libra "You'll attend a party that reminds you of a bowl of cereal full of fruits, nuts, & dates." First, you need some fruits & nuts to spice up a party. Aren't dates dried up fruit? Who'd want a dried up date? Not the fruit but an actual romantic interest... Who'd be at a party thinking about cereal? besides a really high stoner who couldn't wait to get back to their apt & watch cartoons....

*Scorpio "You'll be invited to the neighbors for a matzo ball but you won't know what to wear." If you're that culturally ignorant, then wear some of your Nazi memorabilia attire.

*Sagittarius "A grammarian will make rude comments about your dangling participle" that's pretty clever, I guess. unless your sexual partner is the grammarian.

*Capricorn "A fisherman will invite you to dinner. Go just for the halibut." Stay to look at his small dinghy. Surprised that she didn't say that too.

*Aquarius "A foreigner will misinterpret your body language & take you up on an offer." What's w/ all the references to stumbling into a bad sexual situation? People who follow the nonsense of the zodiac must be really paranoid about rape.

*Pisces "A phrenologist will ask to look at your wife's bumps." He's a doctor of small bumps. He's not a plastic surgeon wanting to give your wife bigger boobs.

Crematia has a dirty mind.

2 1/2 stars

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GoodBadFlicks.com : "Bad Channels" *Orson Welles "War of the Worlds" radio airwaves alien panic meets early 1990s rock & roll cheese plus Full Moon Horror productions animatronics special fx work. Starring quirky & energetic MTV vj Martha Quinn.* close to 3 stars for the review

Idiot Box starring Alex Winter: Episode 1 *Raw animal urges & accounting.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Clerks TV Show Pilot (Disney) 1995 *So sanitized, Silent Bob would have Tourettes trying to sit through it. Jim Breuer would fit in pretty well w/ Jason Mewes.* close to 2 stars

The Daily Show w/ Craig Kilborn: 1996 Bill Clinton & Bob Dole Presidential Debate Coverage *Kilborn struggles to connect w/ the studio audience (I believe there was one & it wasn't just the crew laughing. Or maybe it was. Often quiet.. only minimal laughing noise). The correspondents of the Daily Show invade their first of many major political events. You could tell that the major news journalists didn't really know how to react to it. Nothing interesting to report from the snoozer debate. News of Sammy Hagar fired from Van Halen. A funny bit called "Tesh History" that I forgot about & remember liking back in the day. Craig interviews old school entertainers Joe Balogna & his wife Renee Taylor.* 2 stars

Nickelodeon Arcade (featuring the stars of Nick's Salute Your Shorts) *Donkey Lips & Buttlick (the redheaded scumbag pal of Edward Furlong in Terminator 2) go to a gameshow arcade ran by a quirky black dude in a colorfully loud shirt. The type of arcade that moms imagine. Ones w/ a green screen like on the weather channel & where kids wear bike helmets plus elbow & knee pads just to be safe.* 2 1/2 stars (fond childhood memory)

Reading Rainbow: The Salamander Room (1994) *LeVar visits a NYC zoo rainforest enclosure. Much love to Lynne Thigpen who was the voice of reading the story. An unsung hero of the show. Also, there's a reason the theme song is stuck in many an adult's head years & years after never hearing the song again. Good reason that is.* 3 stars

James Randi debunks an aura reader (youtube) *The aura reader had to pick out the auras or actually sillhouettes of strangers behind a thin white sheet. 2 out of 5 ain't bad, given it's all a game of chance & aura reading is bullshit. But, if I were the aura reader, I would claim that the 1920s style barbershop quartet top hats threw off their chakras.* 2 stars

---- TV Carnage:

*Seamless: On Dr. Phil, today a murder confession, tomorrow the tale of a clutterbug.* 3 stars

*The Bottom Line Is Nice Hair! No Matter How You Get It!: "There's a new you waiting" & he has teased bangs but no bald spot.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Your Inner Piece: If you are wise, you won't let a white guy wanna be yoga master (yogi) put you into all kinds of awkward stretching positions that resemble sex positions.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Women Look Amazing When They Fight: Noogies & short shorts. I miss America's Roman gladiatorial days of sexist lady athletics.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sylvia Dogs Do Rule Heaven: Saint Peter has a St. Bernard.* 2 stars

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Beavis & Butthead: Don't Call Me Dude - Scatterbrain *If you don't know the dude, it's rude.* 2 stars w/ riffing close to 2 stars w/out

Uncharted Zone: Gemma Cretella - Thesis Antithesis Synthesis *Pretentiously wordy hipster techno music white rapper.* 1 1/2 stars

Robocop: Zone Five *This series continues to borrow heavy from Batman & Frank Miller. There's a drug hitting the streets of Old Detroit that's similar to The Joker's laughing gas. The bureaucrats have turned a section of the most crime ridden part of the city over to vigilantes who secretly are the criminals supplying the drug. There's a psychiatrist agreeing w/ the criminals & he's a lot like Dr. Crane in Batman Begins. Robocop's son almost gets corrupted by the vigilantes, similar to a lot of Robin stories.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax versus 70's Commercials from CBS's presentation of the Star Wars Holiday Special *"Always look for the union label" & the "extreme melodrama."* 3 stars w/ riffing 2 1/2 stars w/out

Occult Demon Cassette presents "Never Be A Victim" (1990s Stranger Danger) *Be alert, aware, & filled w/ awful anxiety. Has friendly Irish-Canadian police officer Jim scared the shit out of you, w/ his helpful hints about the horrific, yet or not?* either 1 or 2 stars

"Madman" (1982) w/ commentary from cast & crew *Trends don't always have to be a bad thing. Following in the footsteps of Friday the 13th & Halloween, some young, determined filmmakers scrounge together enough resources to take a camp legend & turn it into another great entry into the early days of the 80s slasher genre.* 3 plus stars w/ commentary 3 stars w/out

American Gothic: Inhumanitas *To living we owe respect. To the dead we owe the truth. To the devil, Lucas Buck, a crooked lawyer owes money & also a corrupted preacher owes his soul.* close to 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the horrible CGI / unintentionally funny scene of a poor, old, black man's head on the body of the angel sister pretending to be a waitress.

"Warlock Moon" w/ audio commentary from Joe Bob Briggs *According to Joe Bob, San Francisco & Austin indie filmmakers may have traded ideas about turning the classic children's fable "Hansel & Gretel" into a horror flick. He suspects much marijuana was smoked in the process (ha). San Francisco produced this one, Warlock Moon, which Joe Bob says should have went by its other, much better title "Blood Spa." The Austin connection makes it very similar to & almost a sister film of "Saw" (Texas Chain, that is).*

3 stars w/ commentary & 2 stars w/out

The Higgins Boys & Gruber: Skinny Wizard *Tired of spending your weekend either jamming out to metal in your kitchen/den/living room combo or going to the mall w/ your devil worshiping friend Thad? Straighten up, thanks to The Parents Coalition for Good Tunes.* 2 1/2 stars

Jerry Springer: "I'm In Love With A Gay Vampire" *You'd think that it'd be a drain, but they're great emotional & spiritual support in a relationship or affair.* 1 star

Duran Duran: Rio (Literal Video Version) *"Sweet air saxophone dude, dude, dude, dude..."*

running from 2 to close to 2 1/2 starsw/ literal & close to 2 1/2 stars for actual

"Dirty Shary" ---xxx--- (1985) *She's got a 44. No, not a handgun. A 44 double d breast size & she's using it to somehow help take down a white slavery sex ring.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Cheaters: Anesthesiologist Finds Cougar Wife Cheating *Menopause shouldn't mean a skanky girls nite out addict should pause gettin' some from douchebag hunks just 'cause her hubbie specializes in dulling sensitivity.* zero stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell *"Leaves behind the "great" smell of brute." Joel also leaves behind a great legacy, fleeing in an escape pod after this awful movie. This movie is more anti-drug idiotic than Reefer Madness. Joe Don runs around being a supposed to be loveable drunk, but isn't, always chugging a six pack & shooting first or causing someone else's violent demise, even at one point an innocent helicopter cop partner. However, he's on his moral high horse in forced comedic interactions w/ his high class escort girlfriend who he's always shoving around & hauling off to jail for a small amount of marijuana. Hypocritical. That's on top of the rest shit movie smeared in 70s era country western trucker lowlife swagger Americana b.s. (not just in the also awful soundtrack & not in any cool way).*

more than 2 stars w/ Joel's last MST3K riff & 1 star w/out

5 Dollar Wresling: Storm Maverick, Your Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar *He body slams his pillow, even though it's also his amigo, on his grandma's living room floor.* close to 3 stars

--- TBS Commercials May 12, 1988 (Part 3 on Youtube) ran during the Superstation Movie Presentation of "The Savage Bees":

*The announcer lady talks about how Thursday at 8:00pm prime time, TBS will be showing The Dirty Dozen w/ Lee Marvin & Ernest Borgnine. That shows the huge difference in old school TBS & modern "Very Funny" TBS. The Dirty Dozen is very manly whereas TBS's modern primetime lineup of "Big Bang Theory" is very unmanly.

*Preview for Frank Sinatra as a guest on Larry King Live on sister network CNN.

*80s mallrat tween girls dance about because Lee 'Press On Nails' have just been made for smaller hands.

*Partly animated Murine earwax removal system commercial. My grandparents were of the Depression/WW2 generation. By the late 80s, they were already retired & living comfortably. Products & ads like this remind me so much of their medicine cabinet. TBS reminds me of them, as well. Old war movies, westerns, & Americana sitcoms / dramas.

*A New York Giants linebacker, in full gear, in his locker room spraying athletes foot cure spray on his toes. The brand is NP-27, & the can couldn't have a more generic yellow & red color scheme design or bland logo. Probably why the product didn't last...

*Sleepinal to help 80s adults fall asleep fast. The milquetoast ad man for Sleepinal puts me to sleep just looking at & hearing speak.

*Quirky promo for prehistoric time travel feature "The Land that Time Forgot" on Grandpa Munster's Super Scary Saturday on the Superstation.

*Remember those old Time Life music compilation commercials? The ones where some forgotten entertainer would stand alone in a studio & sing a few lines from each of their hit songs? Well, here's one for "Get the Very Best of Ray Stevens" & Ray is at his best (worst?) as he sings his tunes while dressed up in costumes fitting each silly song. Whitetrash variety

*"Munster, Go Home" promo coming on Saturday afternoon on the Superstation.

Ah, I so miss old school TBS Superstation

A very biased for nostalgia reasons 3 stars

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Extended Play on Tech TV 10/12/2001? *Extended Play was such a better name than X Play. X for xtreme, I guess, sounds like something a group of smarmy ad people sat around & did focus groups to come up with a "cool" title. Adam Sessler a thick head of spiky Billy Idol hair too. There's also no nerd sex object Morgan Webb to lust over. Talk with a visionary computer gaming studio ,Xulu, who wanted to have a realistic space travel simulator. Sad news that the already dead, at the time, Sega Dreamcast wouldn't be getting Shenmue 2, & instead X Box would. Preview for the classic, cute, & addictive "Super Monkey Ball."* 2 stars

Cracked.com : Why 28 Days Later is Secretly About Sex *Everything in this running zombies(? infected?) flick is a metaphor over frustration about humans' urges surrounding fucking.* either 1 star or 3

Brass Eye: Science *Some people say that heavy electricity isn't real. Those people aren't idiots or celebrities looking to be cool standing up for a cause they pretend to understand.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Forbidden Transmission 2: Cultural Fallout *Let's all smoke pot, dat damn fried chicken, do fag stuff. Shucky ducky, quack quack. Grab a slut & pee in her butt* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Baby Grobags *Planned Parenthood presents Baby Grobags from the makers of Hot Pockets. These bundles of joy are smarter than a 5th grader & an adult.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Cinema Insomnia w/ Mr. Lobo: Bigfoot, Mysterious Monster

*Retro 1970s ad for Mattel's Creepy Crawlers 'Thingmaker 2' from an era when little girls wore granny sized eye glasses. Awesome.

*Some 1960s era Go-Go dancing w/ upskirt shots of nice legs in pantyhose & white jungle babes.

*Mr. Lobo wants the viewer to suspend disbelief for the "Godfather of Grunge" Bigfoot

*1950s sci fi film star Peter Graves comes on camera, very grim, to tell the viewers of the film about its earnestness in documenting the truth about Bigfoot (snicker) & to warn them of the horror (let the exploitation begin).

*Vintage trailer for King Kong vs. Godzilla. In it, an American scientist talks about how King Kong's brain is bigger. Go America, boo Japan! Our monster is smarter. But did we not kidnap Kong from Skull Island in the Pacific? Shhh! He's a Yankee, now!

*Lobo & Graves both talk about the Loch Ness monster. Of course, Lobo does it more tongue in cheek. Loch Ness vs. Bigfoot... about as close as we could actually come to King Kong vs. Godzilla. That is if all the crazies are right & reality isn't.

*Parody of those old soft rock romance cd ads that would play on t.v. This one is for cult sci fi character Krankor. For only 9 payments of $9.99 own Candles, Krankor, & You. It will make you want to hug your significant other on a sunset beach while the waves gently break on your feet. Ah... romantic.

*Nice bumpers for Cinema Insomnia using old cartoons. One has a giant, angry motor oil can chasing a cute something or other...

*Lobo is keeping up w/ the latest crypto weirdo through UFO magazines & such.

*Graves tries to pass off modern lizards' ties to ancient times, including the funny little running on two legs lizard complete w/ wacky sound effects, to prove the possibility of Sasquatch... He's no Darwin.

*1950s ad for Gravy Train dog food "Makes it's own gravy" & "looks like beef stew" if you believe Johnny, the hound's owner. Go ahead, Johnny, take a bite. You know you wanna.

*"This could be your terror!" "This could be your city!" so it says in a vintage trailerf or Rodan. The early days of the atomic age had people actually wondering if that were true or not. Or at least shelling out a nickel or dime to see monster carnage.

*American history lesson on Sasquatch. He ("they") migrated from Asia. Oh, no, don't tell Donald Trump. Also, a Brit team, in the 1800s, possibly captured a young one & named it "Jacko." Hmm... a young, repressed weird boylike creature named "Jacko"... Why am I reminded of a chimp named "Bubbles" & a pursuit of The Elephant Man's bones...

*Lobo is having stomach problems out in a park restroom on his hunt for Bigfoot. He'll find another big, hairy manlike creature instead. The North American Gay Bear fetishist.

*Gigantis, the Fire Monster trailer. Bigfoot as an excuse for all the kaiju krazy

*Graves tries to argue the importance of oral statements on Bigfoot to a scientist. The scientist doesn't buy it. He wants hard scientific evidence. Graves brings up the fact that the courts relied on such testimony. Thank science for physical scientific evidence coming into play more now in the courts. It's not 100 percent perfect, yet, but it's far better than a jury believing the same person, in a real trial of importance, who had earlier given a sworn report on their encounter w/ a mythical creature.

*An adult Bigfoot believer recounts his time out camping w/ his Boy Scout troop when Bigfoot was caught sniffing their underwear late one night. This caused the boys to squeal like a Girl Scout. This only proves that Bigfoot belongs not in the list of known species but instead on that of sex offenders.

*Chilly Dilly "The Personality Pickle" a cartoon pickle spokesperson who looks like Jimminy Cricket. A portable pickle snack. Snacks have come a long long way. Picklemania ran wild.

*Lobo visits w/ the director of "Bloodthirst, the Legend of the Chupacabra." American woodsmen are afraid of Bigfoot & Mexican desertmen(?) fear "Goat Sucker."

*Trailer for the above mentioned flick. Looks very low budget & shot on video. Also like a vampire flick instead of a monster flick. The director explained that he believed the Chupacabra was actually another Mexican/South American legend called the Mocha or something Vampire. He admits fans & critics hated his Chupacabra re-imagining & I can easily see why. It sucks.

*Chocolate Toddy dairy bar snack in a can. It's 1950s white people approved. Mooooooo! The poor dairy bar worker guy. What a lame uniform.

*Suburban Sportsman is odd & I don't know what to make of it. A sort of travelogue of Area 51 conspiracy theorist visiting the base, looking at dead sheep corpses, & then going out on the salt desert to use their high powered pistols to shoot lizards for lunch.

*Again, Cinema Insomnia makes good use of stock footage for their bumpers. Comforting midnight jazz & a moon filmed for some long ago tropical flick now shown in timelapse sliding across the night's horizon. Doing late night tv, right.

*Escape from the Planet of the Apes trailer. When the apes arrived here via space ship to the astonishment of the U.S. army. The Ancient Aliens tv show guy w/ the crazy hair... He looks like a Tim Burton concept sketch for his Apes failure of a movie.

*Graves visits a psychic detective w/ a Bigfoot plaster cast hidden in a suitcase. The quack guesses correctly. If it weren't obvious that Graves was fucking w/ the viewer, before, it should be now.

*Lobo tries to hypnotize a waitress into revealing whether or not she served Bigfoot a cup of Joe as one of her countless customers over the years.

*Trailer for the awesome looking stop motion 50s giant monster flick "The Black Scorpion."

*Lame & long winded joke interview w/ a 5th grade teacher about Bigfoot being his former student. Only gets funny w/ a short part about Bigfoot hitting puberty & being smelly.

*1940s looking safety film clip about numbskulls taking risks & turning into grotesque looking figures wearing scary as shit masks from that time period. I think the masks were supposed to make them look like comical fools, but to the modern eye it's ole timey uncanny valley horrifying.

*Lobo sits on a nice pier interviewing Bigfoot's awkward prom date who seems to never have gotten over that night. She claims Bigfoot had a tiny penis.

*Lobo talks w/ Bigfoot's former roommate in college. The hipster playing the part makes sure the shot is framed w/ a Buffy cast photo magazine, a Doctor Who laser disc or vinyl album, & his Superfriends cartoon t-shirt.

*A bunch of hippy investigators went out in the woods w/ tranquilizer guns & cameras to find evidence to force the scientific community to "take a more active role in the hunt for Bigfoot" according to Graves. Also according to Graves, they only came back w/ a handful of fecal matter & hair. Sounds about right. Hippies + or - Bigfoot = Hair + Shit.

either fair or folly for Peter Graves pseudo documentary, 3 stars for Cinema Insomnia's ads & bumpers, more than 2 1/2 stars Lobo, close to fair for the guests

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Chiller Theater Presents: Doctor Moreau's Happy Pills (youtube) *If only they'd invent a solution to everyday ills.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Marc Maron Predicts the Future" (youtube) *Doomed, bored, & further restricted. Marc nailed it.* close to 3 stars

Rich Hall: Supermarket Sniglets --1983-- (youtube) *Made up words that should be in the dictionary. An early urban dictionary, but more cleverly absurd & stomachable & not awful slang related.* close to 3 stars

Bill Maher's "Religulous" *Take it on faith & do it because you've always done it, dammit.*

more than 2 1/2 stars

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