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thepancakeboi · 4 years

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Liar

Spoilers below for Persona 5, told from Goro Akechi’s POV directed at Ren/Joker, written based off the lyrics of “Liar” by The Arcadian Wild (the lyrics themselves are colored red). I had found it in a Spotify playlist for Akechi or Akeshu and it’s such a beautiful song that I had to write this-

“I sense there's trouble ahead.”

Isn’t trouble all in a day’s work? There’s more at stake here than you realize. It's clear by the signs and warnings but you seem almost oblivious.

You do not see the evidence that should tell where all blame is due. All of this, everything that has happened here, is all Masayoshi Shido’s fault. Don’t you see it?

So why are they pointing at my head?

You all have been led astray by me. Sure, your group kept me at arm’s length at first. I did blackmail you into letting me join the thieves in changing Sae’s heart. I would have been suspicious if I had been immediately accepted and liked. Yet you’ve accepted me, or at least the version of myself I present to society. You wouldn’t accept my true self.

We've all fallen short in some way. What an abnormal group we make. A quiet transfer student rumored to be a criminal because of his probation status. A troublemaker who acted in violence against a teacher. A “cat” who thinks he's not a cat but doesn't have the memories to know for certain. A foreign girl who was rumored to be in a “relationship” with that teacher. An artist who was exploited for his talent. A good-girl kind of pushover who simply did as the adults told her. A shut-in who was blamed for causing her mother’s “suicide”. An heiress forced into a relationship with a horrible man for her father’s political gain. A charismatic detective prince that is the bastard son of a good-for-nothing man.

Please understand I'm ashamed of who I am. Would you reject me if I told you my other secrets, the ones you know nothing of? I’m hiding more than you could ever know, and I beg of you, please find your grace when I say this.

'Cause I'm not in a right state of mind. Haven’t been for years. Then you came along. Ever since the day we met, I found you interesting. You were different from the rest. Maybe there’s more than just interest there, something more. I just wish I had strength to admit it. You seemed to at least take an interest in me, too. It perplexed me though how someone like you, “some criminal trash living in an attic” as I thought of you in my more bitter moments, could have the one thing I seemed to lack: friendship. The camaraderie that came so easily in your group of friends, different as you were, was something I sought for years with no success. Even now, my stubbornness will put up a fight, but I don't deserve to win it.

I'm left in the dark pondering my mistakes. I think back to the cases I’ve solved, all the psychotic breakdowns, and the mental shutdowns. You would not believe who the culprit is. I can’t tell you that I know. It would destroy my image.

I tell you this: you are the light to my internal darkness. But in the light I swear I will deny it all.

—————

I sense deception to come. Betrayal is coming soon, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. I’ve been lying to you this whole time. Honestly, truth and I are never one. I always say how I’m searching for the truth, and I guess it’s not entirely a lie. But the truth is that I’m the black mask you’ve been so concerned about. Not that I can tell you to your face 'cause I am the lying man.

And I have made you my next victim.

That’s right. You’re going to die, Joker. You have to if I’m ever going to get my revenge against Masayoshi Shido, my father. There isn’t a way around it. Trust me, I have tried to think of a way, any way, that I could avoid these events. I’m in too deep. This path I walk on cannot be strayed from. My revenge is so close!

...but I don’t want you to die.

You don’t seem to get it. I need you to see through my act, to tell me I'm wrong, to take off the mask that I use to hide my true intentions, my dark secrets. Black Mask and I are one and the same. How have you not pieced it together? Have I really overestimated your capabilities, Joker? You better figure it out soon, or else I'll be left in the lie.

I'll deceive my way straight to demise, but as long as I can bring ruin to Shido, that’s all that matters...right?

—————

November 20th.

I find myself here today, in front of the interrogation room...your interrogation room. The events over the last 24 hours replay in my mind. Yesterday was the day the Phantom Thieves were to infiltrate Sae’s palace and steal the treasure within. They’d done this time and time again without a hitch, but that day everything changed. You were betrayed, ambushed and taken into custody, and then today-

I need you to see through my plans right now, 'cause I'm not in a right state of mind. You’re too blinded by your damn feelings though to notice the hints I’ve been dropping. I was almost tempted to stop you mid-heist and tell you everything. I just wish I had strength to admit it. To confide everything in you and tell you how I feel. Would you listen? Would you still care about me, even with everything I’ve done and what I plan to do to you? Could I still earn your trust?

The doubt in my mind tells me no. My stubbornness will put up a fight, but I don't deserve to win it.

I don’t deserve your trust, for I’m going to kill that trust right at the source.

I'm left in the dark pondering my mistakes, but in the light I swear I will deny it all. The world will think you committed suicide, and they will be none the wiser to the events that transpire here. It’s clear by the look of hurt and betrayal on your face that, despite the drugs muddling your mind, you’re finally realizing that I am the host of this hostility. It’s too late for you, though. You should have seen through my act...

“Case closed... This is how your ‘justice’ ends.”

—————

I'm the master magician that makes you believe I'm real. And now here we are. All my scheming and plotting laid out before you. The fighting is done, and you have triumphed. I'm not fake, but in reality I'm a lying man. My life's become this grand game of deception. Now is no different. I have to keep you in the dark. I can’t tell you everything going on in my head, for it will only make this parting worse. These conflicting emotions roiling within were me too much to bear. That was why I had Loki use his Call of Chaos ability on me, to drive me psychotic...because I knew I would falter otherwise. In that state, my mind's ignored all my heart's good intentions.

We all feel this tension. We all have our own illusions. And now Shido’s cognition of me has become a threat to you. He’s holding me hostage and offering someone to take my place and die, but I refuse to let you go through with the wild schemes entering your head. This is my mess, not yours. Beneath the mask, I can see that look in your eyes: you want to save me. I can’t let you 'cause we're not in a right state of mind. He’s telling me to shoot you now. One final chance to fulfill Shido’s wishes, my life in exchange for yours. We all wish for the strength to admit it. Now I’ll admit it.

I love you, and I’m not about to let you die for me.

“Don’t misunderstand.” This cognitive version of myself cannot fathom what I am about to do. Our stubbornness will put up a fight, but we don't deserve to win it. I shoot my father’s cognition of me before shooting the button to close the bulkhead shut.

No we're not in a right state of mind.

We all wish for the strength to admit it. Let this be my admission. I love you, Joker, and I am going to die for you. I’m undeserving of your love in return. Our stubbornness will put up a fight, but we don't deserve to win it. You deserve better than me and I don’t deserve you. Trust me, it’s better this way.

The wall is between us. I can hear you and your band of thieves desperately seeking a way inside, to reach me before it’s too late. You’re screaming yourself hoarse and I can hear your tears through your voice. Odd. I had never considered you the type to get emotional over someone as broken as me. Not that I deserve your tears. Save them for someone who’s worth it.

My eyes are locked on my cognitive double, who survived my initial shot. He won’t survive the next, and neither will I. At that moment, all I feel is a sense of calm. I may not be able to get my revenge on my father anymore, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I’ll be saving the one person who will change his heart for me. We're left in the dark pondering our mistakes, but in the light I swear we will deny it all.

I’m sorry, Joker...no, Ren.

I love you.

I love you so much...

Could we...meet perhaps, in another life?

I won’t deny it all.

Not anymore.

I won’t be a...

The bullets fire.

...Liar.

#i cry every fucking time #why did i write this #the ending is always what gets me #source: the arcadian wild #persona 5 fic #sad fanfiction #fanfic written with lyrics #akeshu #shuake #goro akechi #akechi #p5 #persona 5 #p5r #persona 5 royal #liar the arcadian wild

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thepancakeboi · 4 years

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My Demons

Spoilers below for Persona 5, told from Goro Akechi’s POV directed at Ren/Joker, written based off the lyrics of “My Demons” by Starset (the lyrics themselves are colored red). Starset is definitely one of my favorite bands of all time and after the sad-fest that was Liar, my “Goro Akechi isn’t dead” mindset had to write a sequel. So here it is in the beautiful, glorious mess that it is meant to be because...well, I’ll explain it at the end.

Starts on December 16th with each break being a time skip to the next day.

“Mayday! Mayday! Abandon ship!”

I barely repress a maniacal chuckle as shadows and cognitions alike run, bleating like the lost sheep they are. The grin spread wide across my face is the only crack in my otherwise calm facade. Wait, why are they panicking again? Oh, that’s right. The ship is slowly sinking around them. This chaos isn’t my doing, as far as I’m aware, but I bask in its glory. This is the chaos I had sought to bring to reality before...

Before what? What has changed? Was it...the fight against you, Joker, and your band of thieves? It’s the last thing I remember vividly. Sae’s Palace, the betrayal, shooting...you, finding out you were still alive and that you must be making a move on Masayoshi Shido, all of it leading up to this grand finale: the showdown between the former ace detective and the Phantom Thieves. I know why we fought. I had truly thought that I needed to eliminate everything in my way to get my revenge, no matter the cost. They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling of having everything you worked for so hard to be both so tantalizing close yet crumbling down into pieces. Their words meant nothing to me...at least, that’s what I had led everyone to believe. You, however, saw through the act, at least, I think you did. Even if your stupid feelings for me kept getting in the way at every turn, you were always one step ahead of me until the end where the wall separated us.

They're all around me, Shido’s cognition of me and the shadows ready to tear me apart should he lose to himself. Surrounding me, circling like vultures waiting for their next meal: Goro Akechi, the bastard son of this ship’s “captain”. They want to break me and wash away my colors from this world and the real one, but I refuse to go down without a fight. I face myself, our bullets fire, and-

That’s...the last thing I remember.

Everything else is a blur. I haven’t been able to think clearly since that fateful moment. My memory, usually so immaculate and infallible, has been failing me. I can’t recall anything, least of all how I survived. Had I fought tooth and nail through the hordes of enemies, desperate to survive another day? Did I perhaps summon Loki from the dredges of my waning strength in a last-ditch effort to destroy Shido’s plans for me? Or had I collapsed from exhaustion and been left for dead when I still had some sliver of life left in me? I find that I don’t know the answer to that question. All I know is that I’m still here, on this cruise ship from hell, feeling like I have nowhere else to go. In a sense, they did wash away my colors, and now all that’s left is my true self. The me I’ve been hiding for so long that it feels unreal.

It’s almost...freeing.

If only you could see me as I am. You could take me high and I'll sing like a canary of what I had done. I’d tell you of every little thing that led us to that moment. Maybe that’s what pushes me to make my way off the ship because I’m just now realizing that...

Oh, you make everything okay.

Okay...

Okay. Just a little bit further. My wounds from before make for a slow, painful escape but, through either some miracle or curse, I find myself back in the real world. I don’t stick around. I know you likely weren’t far behind, and I don’t really want you to see me like this: broken, hurt, and with no one to turn to.

I crash on my bed, finally able to rest after my agonizing escape. Normally, I would welcome the pain to keep my mind from going places I didn’t want. Not even this pain is enough to stop my thoughts straying to you. Even now, you’re just as distracting as ever. We are one in the same, similar in almost every way except for one: our ability to cope with our situation. I caused you so much pain and trouble, and despite what you said back there, I can’t bring myself to believe any of it could be true. But...you take all of the pain away.

Away...

Away is where I need to go. You wanted to save me, yet you can’t.

Even if I want you to save me if I become my demons.

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How-

I wonder if I cannot stop this sickness taking over. Something is clearly wrong with me if I don’t even remember yesterday clearly. Was it even yesterday? I don’t know. I think I escaped Shido’s palace, but I don’t remember how. Whatever it is that is afflicting my mind, it takes control and drags me into nowhere. It’s frustrating, not being able to remember.

I do remember one thing clearly: you.

You wanted to save me. I wouldn’t let you. I still won’t let you, even if-

I need your help. I don’t want your pity or any cliche bullshit. I don’t even want your damn forgiveness. I just want...

You.

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What-

I...think I remember reflecting on these lost memories before? I feel like I’ve pondered this, but I’m not quite sure. Whatever it is that is afflicting my mind, I can't fight this forever. In a spur of the moment decision, I turn the television on. What I see shocks me.

Masayoshi Shido, my father, is confessing to his evil deeds.

You...You actually did it. You...kept your promise. A sense of relief overtakes me. Everything is finally over. I’m free from his influence at long last.

Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Why am I even asking? I know you're watching, for you wouldn’t miss this moment for the world.

I can feel you out there, somewhere in the crowd...

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What happened regarding Shido? Did-

Didn’t something important happen...? I pull out my phone, hoping for some clue as to what has occurred. It’s apparently December 19th. Odd...I don’t remember the last...four days? Or is it five? Shit, I don’t remember-

Wait a minute...yesterday...didn’t...didn’t Shido confess his crimes? No one...no one’s mentioning it outside of lamenting Shido’s “poor health” or some bullshit like that. How could they acquit him so easily!? There’s also no mention of the psychotic breakdowns or mental shutdowns, or, more accurately, that I was the perpetrator. The thought of that makes me laugh. I’m almost tempted to go and turn myself in if only to do something regarding the piece of shit I had for a father. They could take me high and I'll sing of everything I did for that bastard.

I can’t, though. Not yet...it would be too hasty and reckless. I suspect Sae-san is putting together a case against Shido at this very moment. She wouldn’t be the type to let this slide so easily.

I...wonder what you’re thinking about all of this. All of your fighting, and for what? The public to ignore you? Oh, I know you though. You make everything okay.

Okay?

Hahah...okay. What a strange thought. It feels familiar though. Have I thought about this before? I don’t recall...

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What happened regarding Shido? Did everything go according to your plan? Where-

Have...I asked myself this before? Something doesn’t feel right.

We are one in the same, two sides of the same coin, thesis and antithesis as I had remarked all those months ago. It’s funny how my thoughts immediately drift to you. I guess I cannot help myself. I really did mean what I was thinking back then. I truly had planned on dying for you because...I love you. Oh, it’s hard to admit that. But you take all of the pain away.

Away...why am I staying away from you?

I want to find you and find out what you think of this situation, but why should I bother? I’m not worth a second of your time. You’re the hero, and I’m little more than a nuisance who realized too late that he was doomed from the start. My pride refuses to admit it out loud, but...I want you to save me if I become my demons. I need you to take me over the walls below, the walls I had built to distance myself from you. I want little more than to fly forever with you.

You probably think I’m dead. Maybe I should keep it that way. I don’t want you worrying over me, yet I also want to feel your warm, comforting embrace. I...I’m not sure what I should do. All I can ask of you is please don't let me go, for I need a savior to heal my pain when I become my worst enemy.

I don’t want to betray your trust ever again. I don’t want to be the enemy of the Phantom Thieves...of you.

—————

I wake up in confusion. How did I get here? Where was Shido’s palace and why was I not there? How am I alive? What happened regarding Shido? Did everything go according to your plan? Where are you? Why-

There’s this sense of deja vu in the back of my mind...like I’ve asked myself these questions before. It’s an unnerving sensation because I don’t remember if I have.

You could take me high and I'll sing like a canary of what I had done. I’d tell you of every little thing that led us to-

Wait a second. This sounds familiar. I know I’ve had this thought before, but the “when” or the “why” eludes me. I wonder if you would know. The thought of walking over to Leblanc almost gets me to leave my room for the first time in...however many days. I chuckle at my own foolish longing. I’m supposed to be dead. A dead man can’t just walk into the cafe of the rival who thinks he’s forever gone. Would you even want me there? I don’t know. All I know is that you make everything okay for me.

We are one in the same, two people locked by fate in situations we cannot escape, but while I cause misery wherever I go, you take all of the pain away.

—————

Shit, I thought I was remembering something. For a moment, I...I could have sworn there was some fragment of my memories I could latch onto.

Take me high and I'll sing... Wait, haven’t I had this thought before? The memories feel so close to clarity, but I either can’t or don’t want to remember.

Oh, you make everything okay...okay, okay? This is familiar too...but why?

I give up on trying to remember, for now. Instead, I let my thoughts drift to the one person that ever made me truly happy: you. Ren Amamiya, a simple transfer student who just happens to have a false criminal background. Akira Kurusu, a name I’ve seen you use a few times in more...dangerous situations. Joker, the charming and daring leader of the infamous Phantom Thieves of Hearts. Pick whatever name you’d prefer me to call you; they’re all the same raven-haired beauty who caught my interest that fateful day in June. We are one in the same...more than I can ever imagine. We’re stuck in whatever sick, cruel game the universe is playing with us. I really hope you can escape it because I know I sure as hell can’t. At least...not without your help...

Oh, you take all of the pain away...away, away-damnit, I thought I had it!

Am I...going insane? Am I remembering things that didn’t happen, thoughts that never existed? All of this is just so frustrating! Shit, do I need you so badly right now, if only to verify my own memories are real. I need you...need you to save me if I become my demons.

Speaking of demons, didn’t Shido confess...? A scandal like this would be all over the news, but there’s...nothing. I can barely contain my fury. Is the public really this foolish? I knew before that the judicial system had its corruption, but how can people be so complacent? They should be in an uproar!

So how the fuck have they not convicted him yet!?

—————

This last question breaks through the fog that has become my memories. For the first time, I feel like I’m thinking clearly. I...don’t remember anything before our fight, but...I feel like I’m not going to forget anything anymore. I may not remember when I said I wanted you to take me high and I'll sing but now it’s not important, because oh you make everything okay. And for once, I truly mean it. You made my life feel like everything could be okay.

Okay, so why is everyone saying all the changes of heart were psychological disorders? That the Phantom Thieves...never existed? Bullshit!

We are one in the same. No one remembers us. Either that or no one seems to care.

I know you won’t let this hold you back. If there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you take all of the pain away, away from your targets, away from me. And now you’ll have to save all of society from their inept laziness. I still need you to save me if I become someone I don’t want to be, but right now there are greater things at stake. Shido has to be brought down, and justice has to be served. Even if it spells my own downfall.

I’ve made up my mind. I’ll go find you tomorrow. Surely you wouldn’t turn me away on Christmas Eve...right? I just hope you won’t reject me before I become consumed by my demons.

Alright so the explanation behind this bullshit, and the reason it’s a bit...repetitive with each day. So in the game, if you’re paying enough attention they make it very clear that the victims of the psychotic breakdowns do not remember committing the crimes/actions that they did.

Now remember who ended up using that same power on himself during the fight against him.

I’d go more in depth than that, but that starts getting into even deeper spoilers for things I haven’t actually experienced in the game myself.

#this is a mess #but it's a mess on purpose #does that make not a mess then?#source: starset #persona 5 fic #fanfic written with lyrics #p5 #persona 5 #p5r #persona 5 royal #goro akechi #akechi #ren amamiya #akira kurusu #p5 joker #akeshu #shuake #my demons starset

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