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#please star trek hire me as a humor consultant
myenterpriseisparked · 10 months
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I really wish that, instead of Una forgetting with everyone else in this week's episode, her immune system would have constantly been trying to fight the radiation so she would have been glowing the entire episode. Just walkin around like a glowstick the whole time, confusing everyone. High comedic value.
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cristobalrios · 4 years
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[[ I just spent a long time transcribing Rios’s three scenes from “The End is the Beginning” so here they are under the cut: ]]
Star Trek: Picard, season 1, episode 3 “The End is the Beginning” (00:18:50-00:22:12)
[ Outside shot of LA SIRENA. INSIDE we see ADMIRAL PICARD beam aboard. Clip of TNG-Theme plays. PICARD looks around. There is no one in sight. ]
Picard: “Captain Rios?”
[ The EMH enters. He looks exactly like RIOS. We do not yet know that this is not Rios. He comes in enthusiastically. He has a British accent. He is wearing a suit and has straight hair. He seems almost timid ]
EMH: “Oh, hi, hello.”
[ PICARD looks at him. He looks and sounds slightly flustered. He is not what Picard expected. ]
Picard: “Picard.”
[ The EMH shakes his hand enthusiastically. ]
EMH: “Yes, sorry, of course you are. I’m afraid you might be too late,”
[ The EMH turns around and starts walking. PICARD is confused and he looks around. The EMH continues walking and does not look back. ]
EMH: “Right, then. Come on.”
[ CLOSE ON the real CAPTAIN RIOS. He is sitting down, shirtless, lighting a cigar. He has a large piece of tritanium sticking out of a bleeding wound on his right shoulder. His hair is not done neatly like the EMH’s is. It’s disheveled. The EMH walks in behind him with his hands in his pockets. He walks up to RIOS and stands beside him ]
EMH: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”
[ Zoom out to see RIOS looking up at the EMH. RIOS has a tattoo of a mermaid on his left arm. PICARD is seen walking into the room behind them. The real RIOS has a Spanish accent, not a British one. ]
Rios: “Are you kidding me?”
[ He sounds annoyed. He sees PICARD coming ]
Rios: “Hey.”
[ He takes the cigar out of his mouth. ]
Picard: “Are you–?”
Rios: “Cris Rios. He’s just an EMH.”
[ He gestures to the EMH. ]
EMH: “'Just.'”
[ He sounds bitter. ]
Picard: “I’m, uh–”
Rios: “I know who you are. I read one of your books one time.”
Picard: “What happened to you?”
[ Referring to the big piece of metal still sticking out of his shoulder. RIOS looks at it then takes another inhalation of his cigar. He speaks with it still in his mouth. ]
Rios: “I didn’t die.”
[ PICARD looks incredulous and a bit amused. The EMH talks to the ship’s computer. ]
EMH: “Medkit.”
[ A Medkit is beamed (or replicated?) to the console in front of RIOS. The EMH takes it and moves it down. He opens it as RIOS also speaks to the computer. ]
Rios: “Aguardiente.”
[ A bottle of alcohol appears in the same spot the Medkit did, along with an empty glass. RIOS takes it and pours himself a glass. He picks up the glass and offers it to PICARD. ]
Picard: “No, thanks.”
[ RIOS pours it onto his wound instead. The EMH is scanning him with a medical tricorder. ]
RIOS: “What you want to do is take the giant hunk of tritanium shrapnel out of the hole in my shoulder. That’s just a guess.”
[ He sounds annoyed again. He looks at Picard. ]
RIOS: “Please, sit.”
[ PICARD moves. The TNG theme plays again as PICARD hesitates by the Captain’s chair, which is empty, since RIOS is sitting up by the navigational controls. He moves past it to sit in the chair next to RIOS. He moves a white book off the chair. The book is THE TRAGIC SENSE OF LIFE, by Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosophy published in 1912. PICARD looks at it. ]
RIOS: “Toss it anywhere.”
[ PICARD looks at him then places it on an empty space by the console in front of them as he sits down. ]
RIOS: “So, where are we going, Admiral? Raffi says you have no idea.”
[ The EMH is working on RIOS’s shoulder. PICARD is sitting casually on the chair as he moves to look more directly at RIOS. ]
Picard: “I’m working on it.”
Rios: “When are we leaving?”
Picard: “Soon as possible.”
Rios: “You breaking any laws or intending to?”
Picard: “I don’t know. I’m not in the habit of consulting lawyers before I do what needs to be done. You?”
Rios: “I’m not in the habit of consulting anybody about anything. Especially a lawyer.”
[ The EMH takes the tritanium shrapnel out of RIOS’s shoulder. ]
EMH: “There we are.”
[ He puts the bloody piece of metal in a container and moves to pick up other tools. ]
EMH: “Now for the dermal regenerator.”
Rios: “Leave it. Give me that. Get lost.”
[ RIOS takes it. The EMH looks at PICARD. ]
EMH: “He never gets any nicer.”
PICARD: “Duly noted.”
RIOS: “Deactivate EMH.”
[ The EMH is deactivated. Every time they have addressed the computer, they did not need to say “computer” beforehand like on the previous shows. RIOS stands up and turns to look at PICARD. ]
Picard: “I need a pilot. Raffi says you’re the best around.”
Rios: “I never argue with Raffi.”
[ PICARD is amused. ]
Picard: “Wise man. You were the XO of a heavy cruiser…”
Rios: “The Ibn Mājid. You never heard of it because it doesn’t exist. Starfleet erased it from the records.”
[ RIOS puts on a dark blue long-sleeved shirt. He did not use the dermal regenerator on his wound. ]
Picard: “Do I detect a certain bitterness toward Starfleet?”
[ He does. RIOS says nothing, but is looking away from him. He glances toward him but avoids eye contact ]
Picard: “You must know that Starfleet and I long since have parted ways.”
[ RIOS shrugs. ]
Rios: “If you say so.”
[ He sounds lightly skeptical. ]
Rios: “I really don’t give a damn.”
Picard: “Oh, really?”
[ PICARD is also skeptical. He looks around the ship. RIOS walked over toward a console and is doing something, off-screen, possibly with the Medkit? He looks over at PICARD. ]
Picard: “I see this ship is impeccably maintained.”
[ RIOS goes back to whatever he is working on. It doesn’t matter what he is doing. He is just using it as a distraction. ]
Picard: “Every bolt and clasp and fitting in place. Everything stowed in regulation Starfleet order.”
[ RIOS looks at him again. ]
Picard: “I don’t know what happened to you, Rios,”
[ RIOS sits back down again. ]
Picard: “Or to the Ibn Mājid. But five minutes on this ship,”
[ RIOS has picked up the cigar again and put it in his mouth, picking up the book from earlier and leaning back into the chair. ]
Picard: “And I know precisely what I am looking at.”
[ RIOS puts one of his legs up on the console and opens the book. He is trying to seem disinterested. PICARD leans forward. ]
Picard: “You. Are. Starfleet. To the core.”
[ RIOS looks at him. PICARD leans back with a smile on his face. ]
Picard: “I can smell it on you.”
[ The TNG-Theme plays again. ]
Rios: “That’s just my tragic sense of life.”
[ He puts the cigar down and looks at Picard. ]
Rios: “Raffi warned me you were a speechmaker.”
[ He blinks and licks his lips. ]
Rios: “Look, Admiral, hire me or find another pilot. Do not try to get inside my head."
------------------
Star Trek: Picard, season 1, episode 3 "The End is the Beginning” (00:22:51-00:24:44)
[ RIOS is sitting in a chair, in his quarters, drinking alcohol. Blues music is playing over the speakers. RIOS is reading the same book from before. A hologram appears. This is a different one than the one from earlier. It still looks just like RIOS, but is wearing different clothes and its hair is styled differently. It has an Irish accent. ]
ENH: “The navigation sensors are back at maximum range. Whatever it was, it scraped off pretty easily.”
[ RIOS looks at the hologram as he speaks. This hologram, like the other, sounds more cheerful than we have ever seen the real RIOS be. RIOS grunts in acknowledgement and turns his attention back to the book. ]
ENH: “So, are we excited? Intimidated? Maybe a teensy bit starstruck?”
[ He is leaning forward and walking closer to RIOS, teasing. RIOS looks somewhere between annoyed and amused. ]
ENH: “Jean-Luc Picard. Chief contact with the Q Continuum. Arbitor of Succession for the Klingon Empire. Savior of Earth from Borg invasion.”
[ He is walking back and forth as he talks enthusiastically about PICARD’S accomplishments ]
ENH: “Captain of Enterprises D and E. The man even worked alongside the great Spock.”
[ RIOS looks back up from his book. His hand is on his wounded shoulder. He sounds annoyed but still has a hint of resigned amusement in his voice. ]
Rios: “You are an emergency hologram. We no longer have a navigational emergency.”
[ The ENH looks at him like “So?” ]
Rios: “Why are you still here?”
ENH: “Well, someone is experiencing an acute moodiness overload.”
[ Still both annoyed and amused. He puts his book up closer to his face to block the ENH from view and ignore the hologram more easily. The ENH comes closer, leaning over his book with a smile on his face. RIOS grumbles. ]
ENH: “Picard is a good man, Captain Rios. He’s on the side of the angels.”
[ RIOS puts his book down and looks away. ]
ENH: “It’s been a long time since you helped out somebody like him. Hmm? A very long time.”
[ RIOS stands up and starts walking away ]
Rios: “Please, spare me the juvenile Sunday school morality.”
[ The ENH’S gaze follows RIOS. ]
ENH: “And spare me the angsty teenage moral relativism.”
Rios: “I already had one grand, heroic captain in my life. The last thing I need is another one.”
[ He sounds angrier now thinking about his former captain. ]
Rios: “Ten years on, I still can’t close my eyes at night without seeing the last one’s blood and brains splattered all over a bulkhead. Deactivated ENH.”
[ He is done humoring the hologram. The ENH looks disappointed. ]
ENH: “Ah, no, no, you–”
[ He gets deactivated. RIOS walks right through where the hologram was standing as he disappears, and he sits down in the same chair, now smoking his cigar again. He slides down in the chair and stares up at the ceiling, looking troubled as he stares up at the stars through a sunroof in the ceiling. A meteor briefly flashes ]
------------------
Star Trek: Picard, season 1, episode 3 "The End is the Beginning” (00:38:56-00:41:46)
[ At CHATEAU PICARD, PICARD'S comm badge beeps. He answers it. ]
Picard: "You're early."
[ On LA SIRENA, RIOS is walking up the stairs in engineering. ]
Rios: "Nope. My sources tell me--"
[ PICARD'S voice is heard over the speakers on LA SIRENA. Rios is walking back onto the bridge. ]
Picard: "What sources?"
Rios: "--It's about to get very hot chez vous." (Translation: "Chez vous" is French for "at yours," but specifically meaning "at your house")
[ Back at CHATEAU PICARD. ]
Picard: "It's already hot."
[ RIOS'S voice is heard from PICARD'S comm badge in his hand. ]
Rios: "Hotter."
Jurati: "Is that your pilot?"
[ PICARD nods. ]
Jurati: "Okay. You have to take me with you, and here's why: A,"
[ on LA SIRENA, RIOS is preparing some containers. JURATI'S voice can be heard over his speakers. He is kneeling down on the ground with the boxes. He places one on top of another. ]
Jurati: "I just killed a man to save your life."
[ RIOS stops to listen when she says that. He seems interested. JURATI sounds determined ]
Jurati: "B."
[ Back at CHATEAU PICARD, LARIS looks over at ZHABAN. ]
Jurati: "You are a good, decent man, capable of empathy and pity,"
[ ZHABAN looks at LARIS, then over at PICARD and JURATI ]
Jurati: "And I am a scientist who has spent her entire life imagining a miracle,"
[ JURATI'S voice is shaky and she is near tears but she is determined to convince him to let her join him. ]
Jurati: "Knowing that it could never come to pass, and now it has,"
[ PICARD smiles sympathetically. He's listening. ]
Jurati: "And it's real, and I have to see her; And C. I don't know how much it costs to go where you're going or--"
[ Back on LA SIRENA, RIOS is working at some holographic controls. JURATI'S voice is heard over the speakers again. ]
Jurati: "--How much this guy charges--"
Rios: "I'm expensive."
[ back at CHATEAU PICARD ]
Jurati: "--But I'm Agnes P. Jurati. I'm the Earth's leading expert on synthetic life, and I promise you, if you take me with you, I will more than earn my keep."
[ PICARD looks impressed. He turns to LARIS. She and ZHABAN are both looking expectantly at PICARD. RIOS'S voice is heard over the comm badge, sounding impatient. ]
Rios: "Time to go."
[ An outside view of LA SIRENA orbiting the EARTH. Inside the ship, both PICARD and JURATI are beamed aboard. PICARD is surprised. ]
Picard: "Raffi? What is this?"
[ RAFFI stands. Picard gestures at RIOS. ]
Picard: "Ah, 'sources.'"
Raffi: "I found Maddox."
Picard: "Where is he?"
Raffi: "I tell you, you promise you'll take me with you?"
Picard: "I would be honored to have you join me."
Raffi: "Oh, no, no I'm--I'm not joining you. Never again. I'm just hitching a ride."
Picard: "To where?"
Raffi: "Bruce Maddox is on Freecloud."
Picard: "Freecloud. Yes, of course."
Jurati: "Why do you want to go to Freecloud?"
Raffi: "Have we met?"
Jurati: "Agnes Jurati,"
[ She offers her hand. RAFFI looks at PICARD incredulously ]
Raffi: "That's it? You're just going to let Agnes here hitch a ride--"
[ JURATI lowers her hand awkwardly. PICARD puts is hand on JURATI'S shoulder. ]
Raffi: "On your top-secret mission?"
Picard: "Dr. Jurati is the Earth's leading expert on synthetic life."
[ RIOS sits down in the captain's chair and touches some holographic controls. ]
Raffi: "You didn't even ask me to run any kind of security check, not even the most basic."
Picard: "Why do you want to go to Freecloud?"
Raffi: "I'm under no obligation to tell that to any of you."
[ RIOS looks impatient ]
Raffi: "And once we get there, you're on your own."
Jurati: "Who are you, lady?"
[ RAFFI looks at her. RIOS talks impatiently ]
Rios: "Can we go already?"
Picard: "Yes, fine."
[ RAFFI takes her seat and PICARD gestures to JURATI to do the same, and she does so eagerly. PICARD looks around and pauses dramatically. The TNG theme starts ]
Picard: "Engage."
[ JURATI laughs, RAFFI looks lightly irritated. RIOS uses the holographic controls to start the ship as we move out of LA SIRENA'S main window, turning to see the EARTH, and LA SIRENA going into warp as the clip of the TNG Theme concludes and we fade to black. ]
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