#perhaps that’s because of everhthing that happened in December and my falling out with my dad and my owning up to how deep my trauma runs
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#You know what’s weird?#in a way I am more steady in myself than I have ever been. I see my worth rather than pretend I see my worth but actually don’t#I see where all my shit stems from in a way I never used to. I talk about it in a communicative way I was never able to before#like all of it is lining Up and somehow? I also feel worse?#I don’t know if it’s because I’m just more aware now and also more capable of changing my habits or whatever or if it’s just less repressed#but like. been having seasonal affective disorder since I was eight probably and even before but then you didn’t know#and I didn’t put the pieces together until. what. 2014? 2015? I didn’t know it had a name#and id always count it a good winter if I hadn’t disassociated at all. that was the goal.#now 2022 is over and the months where id disassociate are also over (it always gets easier for me come January)#and I made it through without disassociating! that’s a huge win right! right? but …..#and somehow it felt like? SUCH a rough winter? and I handled it well but everything feels so heavy#and I know it’s not worse than prior years. I do. but it doesn’t FEEL like that#perhaps that’s because of everhthing that happened in December and my falling out with my dad and my owning up to how deep my trauma runs#instead of passing it off as ‘haha yeah some things were rough and winter sucks BUT I AM SO CHIPPER AND GOOD AND UPBEAT HA!’#but honestly looking at it just. is a lot. and logistically I know I genuinely am the best version of myself currently#but 2014 me was funner thinner and wilder and she was also COMPLETELY unhinged and I know I shouldn’t want that version of me back#but I’m constantly comparing current me to her?????? as if she was the ultimate goal#I know when March comes and we’re back at the summer clock I’ll have forgotten how heavy I felt now#but whew…………….. whew it’s a lot#also completely being honest with yourself about jn how many areas your anxiety is Fucking debilitating sometimes#really sucks. it sucks. I feel so raw and vulnerable and I want to stop fixing things and just live#OH THAT TOO my roommate is Living It Up and I used to be able to keep up with her when we were in uni and now I can’t and that just#makes it feel even more like i regressed. I hate it. and again I Know myself now in a way I didn’t then and that’s worth so much#but ugh!!! ugh. and also I HATE that it feels like all I’ve done since November is complain but it’s been. Well. extraordinarily rough#I haven’t even told the internet any of it and even my friends know the minimum but. sigh. SIGH.#just sucks to see where your everything comes from. you know?
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