the dude just transformed, into a grizzly bear, mid-coitus. and for some reason, I clapped. like some kind of british fop. completely killed the mood. fuck me. why did I do that

can't be a masc king if you ain't masking 😷

struggling to recognize intentional irony goes both ways. normally people only think it means "taking things literally when they're supposed to be ironic," but having that problem inevitably leads to "taking things as intentionally ironic when they're actually being literal this time."

for instance, I make a lot of jokes, including bad puns, and at first I apologized every time a friend groaned at the jokes, but they reassured me that the fake-annoyance was ironic, they were playing along. years later, in the same group, I'm comfortable making jokes and I'm expecting the ironic heckling. I make a dumb joke as usual, someone says "ugh can we not?" in a light-sounding tone of voice. I laugh, thinking, "this is part of the interaction!" weeks later, the friend no longer wants to talk to me, because I was annoying them and ignoring their complaints. "I was explicitly clear" they say. I think back, and technically, they did say "can we not?" but I thought we had established that it was ironic. the ironic response and the literal response are identical, I can't tell them apart. my problem wasn't that I take everything literally, but that I can't distinguish between ironic and literal.

when it comes to autism, you really can't take clarity for granted. always check for misunderstanding before building resentment.

It probably goes without saying but I have a LOT of opinions about orcs

while you were making six figures I was making sex. figures let me start over

Psychic Voice: The ghosts say you're gay

deliberately waited to post this cuz it's funnier without context

Things that work in fiction but not real life

torture getting reliable information out of people

knocking someone out to harmlessly incapacitate them for like an hour

jumping into water from staggering heights and surviving the fall completely intact

calling the police to deescalate a situation

rafting your way off a desert island

correctly profiling total strangers based on vibes

effectively operating every computer by typing and nothing else

ripping an IV out of your arm without consequences

heterosexual cowboy

Have you seen the new show? It's on Tubu. It's literally on Heebee. It's on Poodee with ads. It's literally on Dippy. You can probably find it on Weeno. Dude it's on Gumpy. It's a Pheebo original. It's on Poob. You can watch it on Poob. You can go to Poob and watch it. Log onto Poob right now. Go to Poob. Dive into Poob. You can Poob it. It's on Poob. Poob has it for you. Poob has it for you.

If you've ever been disappointed by dragonfruit, especially if you felt like it tasted like nothing, then I'm like 90% sure you had unripe dragonfruit, which tastes like nothing. There's a small window of time where it tastes amazing. You must have the patience of a hunter. Do not strike until your prey is at its most delicious

movies will be like "THIS is the most bullied outcast unpopular girl in school... the Thin White Heterosexual Brunette"

One thing that's vitally important to remember is that feeling ''weirded out'' is not a form of harm. It is a completely normal part of socializing. It is the feeling of encountering something unfamiliar. In order to be a kind person, you must learn to how to distinguish between "harmful" and "weird." And then you must accept the weird.

i go to a gay bar and notice the furry convention's in town. i see a fine lookin bear remove his fursuit, revealing that underneath, he's also a fine lookin bear. I raise my eyebrows and say "woof" and all the cat furries immediately hiss and scatter

Should go without saying but never date a cop and christ never marry one. Rule of thumb if he's legally untouchable he's ethically unfuckable. You don't like that cop, you like buff men in tight clothing. I can show you more of those, better ones. Take my hand.

those first couple weeks after escaping a time loop have gotta be disorienting as all fuck. all those little cues that used to tell you what's about to happen are now triggers that cause you to brace for something that isn't coming. you have to relearn the permanence of death -- hell, you have reacquaint yourself with the entire concept of finality altogether. everything keeps changing but it never changes back and you keep having to remind yourself that this is normal. "it won't reset anymore," you echo to yourself, over and over and over, like a broken record, like you're still trapped in a loop, like someone who escaped the time loop but was doomed to bring it into the future with them

"umm I hope you guys know orcs would kill you if you tried to fuck them" whaaat holy shit man orcs are typically depicted as chaotic evil savages? no waaay dude, this whole time I've been eroticizing the monstrous as a deliberate critique of the racist and ableist undertones in the classical orc archetype, when I should have simply realized that elements of popular fiction are objective absolutes that can't be reexamined or remixed through the cultural lens of the ever-shifting presentttttt

hot things to say during sex

cursed to put my hands on everything

hells. something just woke up down here

shouldn't have wished to live in more interesting times

all's well that ends... not as bad as it could have

these boots have seen everything

ALL IS ASH AND MEAT

no one back home will ever believe this