#or do the demotic thing—'it being'—and *know* in my own secret heart i'm getting it wrong | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aeide-thea · 8 months

Text

have been reading fic & thinking abt my relationship to fic, which is of course also among other things a mirror of my relationship to my own psyche, and like—i think all the discourse abt its being ~internalized misogyny~ to mostly/entirely read m/m is not ultimately, whatever the truth of it, all that helpful, either to readers or to Women! but of course that doesn't stop me from feeling weird guilt abt the fact that i don't read more f/f than i do, because if there's anything i love to do, it's feel unhelpfully bad abt myself on the slimmest of pretexts…

however! i did end up reading some f/f earlier, specifically transfem f/f, and it got me thinking—basically what i'm usually mostly reading fic for is the romance/sex, right? like, don't get me wrong, i love when a fic gives me a gorgeous double helix of, like, casefic and romance twisted together, that's ideal, but fundamentally most of the time the feeling up is what i sat down at the table to eat. so in a complex aegosexual way it's a fantasy i'm—not projecting onto, exactly, i don't want to be one of the people in it; but, like, lurking in the wings of with eyes big love-crumbs, to steal a phrase from a relevantly-named poet. :) and so it's no wonder that mostly i don't want to read cisfemme4cisfemme stuff, because that's not a dynamic that feels like it has any room for me, or even like i'm particularly welcome in the room. but like. if it's trans women? i'm there, i love that for them and for me. if there's a butch? i might get tripped up by our differing lenses on gender feelings and stub my toe a little but even so i'm probably here for it. (thinking here abt that one butch/femme geraskier ~cisswap which is, like, a gorgeous bruise i keep periodically pressing. <3)

so really it's just like. shocker: i'm not personally moved by fantasies abt romance which feature conventionally feminine cis women whom i don't personally find relatable or sexually desirable! and when i put it like that, it really instantly dissolves the weird useless discourse-induced guiltgunk. like. give me a woman who's, idk, tall and charismatic and strong and clever and talented at something (though honestly it's like that siken revised tweet, a lot of those characteristics are ultimately negotiable!), like women i've historically crushed on irl, and then give me a pairing for her that's like. another woman who's also enough of those things, or a man who's—honestly the kind of m/f i'm open to would be its own whole post bc holy shit am i fussy, it very much does exist but for now let's just stick a pin in that one—or somebody nonbinary, which… idk that i've ever actually seen nb/f in fic? i'm sure it exists! but i'm not sure it exists in any fandoms i've been into. pondering the question did get me really thirsty for a good 'farmgirl (of the luke skywalker variety) is absolutely stunned-and-ringing-like-a-struck-bell captivated by confident flamboyantly genderqueer love interest (example wanted)' dynamic, though…

#(this is entirely unrelated to the actual topic but every time i use a possessive to modify a gerund bc it's a verbal noun it's like #pls hold‚ time 2 decide whether i'd rather do the esoteric thing—'its being'—and have most ppl think i'm getting it wrong #or do the demotic thing—'it being'—and *know* in my own secret heart i'm getting it wrong #and both scenarios feel Bad! so it really is just lose-lose every time it comes up… a sad situation for a gerund lover like yrs truly. 😔)#(also yes what is 'wrong' when it comes 2 language anyway but like. you know what itches your ears and i know what itches mine.#…& obvs what itches mine somehow does NOT include (mis)using 'itch' as a transitive verb for comedically colloquial effect. shrug emoji!!)#anyway none of this is remotely groundbreaking or even unusual but. soothing 2 me to lay it out like this.#fannish things #i guess also #aut fieri uolo aut futuere #and no‚ the world definitely did not need >500 words retreading the same ground many other ppl have already trodden #however. what is a blog for if not to house long-winded unnecessary posts no one but the author (if that) really needed.#in conclusion anything i say abt My Relationship 2 Fic is really always a diptych with that anecdote abt the woman who called up queer bars #just to know there was a space out there where freedom and joy existed‚ and brush the edge of it‚ just a little #like am i personally embodying/visible as much of what i'm deeply emotionally bound up with? no.#is it nonetheless/therefore hugely important to me to see those possibilities stretched out before me like a far green field? sure is!!

10 notes · View notes

thisfoolwrites · 3 years

Text

My Altair (3)

And here’s part 3! Sorry for the long wait, I just worked 6 days in a row and retail is hell when the word snow is uttered on the news! Enjoy and thank you all again for the likes! Also sorry if you notice the name Hana or any descriptions. I try to get them all but I miss some sometimes.

Warnings: None for this chapter

Genre: Angst to fluff

Part 2

The last day of the camp Kuroo decided that he had had enough. He watched as {Y/N} laughed and smiled with the rowdy Karasuno boys. They had been friends for ten years, and now she wouldn't even speak to him. He waited till the {H/C} girl had gone to get water for her team. He followed her earning confused looks from his team. Kenma stared at the spot where the captain once stood. 'This is not going to end well.' he thought.

“{Y/N},” Kuroo called running after her. Hearing her name her blood ran cold. Two weeks she had gone without this confrontation. It couldn't be avoided forever. She turned and looked at him with cold eyes. The taller male gulped. She had never looked at him like that before. “We need to talk, don't you think?” he all but demanded. {E/C} eyes narrowed in anger.

“And if I say no?” She challenged, voice as monotone as she could make it. “Honestly Kuroo, you are-”

“Kuroo?” He cut her off. “You have always called me Tetsu, or Tetsuro when you're mad. Since when was I demoted to Kuroo?” He couldn't keep the hurt out of his voice. It almost caused {Y/N}'s resolve to break.

“Since you told your girlfriend that I was nothing more than a sister to you.” His eyes widened in shock. She heard that?

“Thats not what I meant.” He stuttered with his words. “She was asking all these questions on why I was so close to you and-”

“So you chose to lie rather than to tell the truth? Even after all this time you are still choosing to keep that summer a secret? God, for being so smart, you're so god damn dumb Kuroo!” She began to raise her voice but quickly calmed down, knowing that everyone would be able to hear her yelling.

“That's what this is about? You agreed to keep it quiet, not just me {Y/N}!” He argued.

“You didn't give me much of a choice.” Her voice was shaking at this point. Her eyes glistened with tears once again, everything about that night was coming back to her. She locked eyes with Kuroo, causing the male shrink back. “I never wanted to be a secret. I just wanted to be with you.” Her voice got quieter with each word she spoke. She turned away and began to walk away to fill up the water bottles again.

“I'm done with this conversation. Go back to the team.” She waved him off. Watching her disappear down the hall he was left to wonder, how long had she been holding in these feelings. Walking back to the gym he was met with the curious eyes of his team, and a scrutinizing glare from Fukurodani's captain. Did Bokuto know something that he didn't in regards to his best friend? No, he supposed he didn't have that title anymore. Watching the older Kozume walk back in with a fake smile on her face he realized, he hadn't had that title since last summer. Knowing that he had lost someone who was always there, hurt more than he had imagined.

Later on at the barbecue, Kenma kept sneaking glances at his sister and then back to Kuroo. Even though they were acting like everything was ok, he knew that whatever they had talked about built a bigger rift between the two. He put his attention back to his game and began to wonder if things were ever going to go back to normal. He was interrupted from his thoughts by a plate of food being put in his face. He looked up to the {E/C} eyes of his sister, who had a soft smile on her face.

“Here, eat.” She pleaded sitting next to him, a plate of food for her as well. He paused the game taking the plate, while looking at her.

“Are you ok?” he questioned. “When you came back from talking with Kuroo your eyes were misty, like you had been crying. What happened between the two of you?” She looked down at her feet before ruffling his hair.

“I'm not ok, but I will be don't worry.” She gave him a small smile. As she went back to eating Kenma figured that she was not going to answer his other question. Looking over at where Hinata was talking to Kuroo and Bokuto, he noticed that Bokuto was glancing over at his sister every once in a while. He figured that it was to make sure she was doing ok. He had been the one to deal with drunk {Y/N} after all. He was drug out of his thoughts by his sister once again.

“Anyway, I'm gonna go save Yachi from the crowd. Eat Kenma.” He watched her interact with the young manager, her smile wasn't forced like when she had returned earlier. Yachi bowed to her in thanks, but {Y/N} just waved her off. It was then he realized, that she hadn't been ok for a while.

It was later in the evening and the boys were packing up their belongings getting ready to leave. The rest of the Nekoma boys had headed down to the bus, leaving Kuroo and Kenma to grab their things. Kenma turned to his friend and saw the dejected look on his face. In the group setting he could laugh and pretend that he wasn't hurt, but with just Kenma he let his guard down. Kuroo saw Kenma looking at him and sighed.

“She’s done with me officially. I don't think I can fix this anymore Kenma.” The younger boys eyes widened. He wasn't expecting Kuroo to actually tell him. “I broke her trust then lied to Akemi about who she was to me because I wanted to be selfish. She heard me say she was only a sister to me, but that wasn't true at all. She was more, but I was too scared about what people would say to do anything about it. I broke her, and it hurts to know I can't help her.” Kuroo quickly wiped the tears that came down his cheeks. Kenma was shocked, he had never really seen the taller male cry before, but was even more shocked at his words.

Kenma wasn't blind to what happened last summer, but he never wanted to bring it up for fear that a fight would happen. He sighed and gave Kuroo a pat on the back before grabbing his bag and heading towards the door. Kuroo turned to look at him, slinging his own bag on his shoulder.

“For the record, the team was rooting for you two.” Hazel orbs widened, “We all thought you'd end up together. Give her more time. You might not get her the way you want to, but I believe you can be friends again.” He continued while walking out the door. He rushed out the door to follow Kenma down to the bus. Not today, but one day he would make this right. As the two boys got down there he saw Bokuto and {Y/N} standing together laughing. Kuroo realized that even though he broke her, Bokuto would fix her. He gave the two a small smile before getting on the bus.

{Y/N} smiled at the owl haired man before her. He was pouting because he wouldn't be able to see her for a while. He complained that he barely got to spend time with her, even though she had pointed out that it was a volleyball training camp.

“You do know you have my phone number right?” She asked the taller man. This just caused him to pout more, in turn causing her to laugh harder. Bokuto perked up at the sound. He loved the melodic sound and it made him smile a bit, but he went back to pouting to keep the ruse going.

“Its not the same as seeing you in person you know.” He grumbled turning his face away. If she had seen the blush on his face he'd never live it down. She glanced up at him one final time after hearing the coaches call for the students.

“Hey Bo,” she began getting his attention back on her, “When you qualify for nationals, I'll take you out to for yakiniku.” She said with a bright smile on her face. The blush came right back to his face, but he noticed that she had one as well. He returned the smile with a bigger one of his own. Without even thinking he pulled the smaller girl into a hug. It startled the girl before she relaxed and hugged him back.

“I'd like that.” He whispered in her ear before letting her go. They both headed to their own buses with smiles. Once she got on the bus she took her spot next to Kenma, humming a small tune. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. He saw her content face and small smile. She was happy. He turned and locked eyes with Kuroo, who also noticed the change in the girl. It broke his heart to know that someone else was taking his place, but it was all his fault. Pulling out his phone he sent a quick text before shutting it off.

Kuroo: Take care of her. Don't make her cry like I did.

Taglist: @samkysnks @aurorahoneybuns

#haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst #bokuto koutarou x reader #bokuto x reader #kenma kozume x sister reader #reader insert fanfiction

47 notes · View notes