have been reading fic & thinking abt my relationship to fic, which is of course also among other things a mirror of my relationship to my own psyche, and like—i think all the discourse abt its being ~internalized misogyny~ to mostly/entirely read m/m is not ultimately, whatever the truth of it, all that helpful, either to readers or to Women! but of course that doesn't stop me from feeling weird guilt abt the fact that i don't read more f/f than i do, because if there's anything i love to do, it's feel unhelpfully bad abt myself on the slimmest of pretexts…
however! i did end up reading some f/f earlier, specifically transfem f/f, and it got me thinking—basically what i'm usually mostly reading fic for is the romance/sex, right? like, don't get me wrong, i love when a fic gives me a gorgeous double helix of, like, casefic and romance twisted together, that's ideal, but fundamentally most of the time the feeling up is what i sat down at the table to eat. so in a complex aegosexual way it's a fantasy i'm—not projecting onto, exactly, i don't want to be one of the people in it; but, like, lurking in the wings of with eyes big love-crumbs, to steal a phrase from a relevantly-named poet. :) and so it's no wonder that mostly i don't want to read cisfemme4cisfemme stuff, because that's not a dynamic that feels like it has any room for me, or even like i'm particularly welcome in the room. but like. if it's trans women? i'm there, i love that for them and for me. if there's a butch? i might get tripped up by our differing lenses on gender feelings and stub my toe a little but even so i'm probably here for it. (thinking here abt that one butch/femme geraskier ~cisswap which is, like, a gorgeous bruise i keep periodically pressing. <3)
so really it's just like. shocker: i'm not personally moved by fantasies abt romance which feature conventionally feminine cis women whom i don't personally find relatable or sexually desirable! and when i put it like that, it really instantly dissolves the weird useless discourse-induced guiltgunk. like. give me a woman who's, idk, tall and charismatic and strong and clever and talented at something (though honestly it's like that siken revised tweet, a lot of those characteristics are ultimately negotiable!), like women i've historically crushed on irl, and then give me a pairing for her that's like. another woman who's also enough of those things, or a man who's—honestly the kind of m/f i'm open to would be its own whole post bc holy shit am i fussy, it very much does exist but for now let's just stick a pin in that one—or somebody nonbinary, which… idk that i've ever actually seen nb/f in fic? i'm sure it exists! but i'm not sure it exists in any fandoms i've been into. pondering the question did get me really thirsty for a good 'farmgirl (of the luke skywalker variety) is absolutely stunned-and-ringing-like-a-struck-bell captivated by confident flamboyantly genderqueer love interest (example wanted)' dynamic, though…
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the thing that really gets me, An Nonbinary Bisexual, about this TAD album photoshoot is—okay, yes, obviously how hot everyone is (special mention to, in no particular order, joey's whole 'haggard roué' face/hair situation, his, like, lusciously fuzzy tits, and madeleine's positively biteable lil belly in the standing pic; also everyone's calves, somehow), but also how their outfits are, like, bracketing a range of things i would absolutely wear myself??? just feels like. yes good, a Space 4 Me Personally. time 2 slot myself right into the middle. :D
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lmao so i bought a spring sweater from the last uniqlo u drop (not that i needed a sweater really, given that i just wear my microgrid fleece hoodie literally every day bc it’s Perfect, but like. sometimes a gesture against stasis is good, you know?) that’s like. a mustardy drape-y (bc linen-cotton) crewneck with a slightly wide neck—like, the sort of style a coffeeshop soft boy would wear—and i was trying to think what the vibe reminded me of and then i realized it’s definitely this one particular joey batey witcher interview where he’s wearing a p similar sweater, lollllllllllll rip me
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like okay i decided the person i was reblogging that first image from didn't need weirdly aggro commentary in their notes but my ACTUAL initial tag on it was just 'motherFUCKER'
like. aaaugh. they Know What They Are Doing and they're doing it on purpose! to inflict EXQUISITE AGONIES on Me, Personally
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god i wish people didn’t creepily raid private social media for pics bc like, somebody posted this joey batey pic that i badly want to reblog for, like, ‘same cartoonishly-adorable gender hat’ reasons, but i strongly suspect it’s a pre-fame private party candid bc he looks like even more of a sweet-faced bab than usual? so i am Refraining but feeling v. put-upon and cranky abt doing so, like, why must the universe tempt me with objets d’art et d’amour that i can’t ethically keep, every day i suffer!!
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