current project: streamline my editing process

Literally so much had happened since my last post. It's December 3rd now. I'm no linger in that relationship, but we are still best friends. We're getting ready to move to Ohio.

I know, whaaaat? Like I said, a lot had happened.

I finally started to forgive myself in the past year. Madi and I broke up because she cheated.. which I've had people question hoe that can work because we were open. We were, but we had rules that she did not follow because I was in a bad place and was questioning our relationship.

Genuinely, I think it worked out for the best. I wasn't happy and think I'd been looking for an excuse to leave anyway.

I quit RK. I have 2 more cats, besides Frank. Milo and Otis, and they're adorable. They love each other and Frank, even if Frank doesn't love them.

I still miss Ev like crazy. She was my best friend, and I think about her pretty much daily. Her and my grandparents. Dylan started uploading my grandma's old vhs tapes to digital and that has been cool to see some of those. Hearing my grandparents and seeing them again, even if they're not actually here, but just to see and hear them again... it was wonderful.

I got into my first accident back in February. She was driving, the focus was totaled. We were ok, thankfully. I bought a Jeep that just last week I had to junk, because on our way from Chicago after seeing Demi in concert, we broke down in Indiana.

Now I have a Buick Rendezvous that we are sharing. I've asked her several times if she has changed her mind. So far, no. I really hope she doesn't last minute. She is going through a lot rn. Her brother told her something happened in their childhood that I don't think he is being truthful about, but it has been eating her up.

I can't do retail anymore. I'm not happy. I'm going to start my own detailing business.

I can't even begin to sum up the past year and all of its craziness, but I feel like I mentioned the major things.

Got a little strung out a few months ago and broke my sobriety big time. Haven't gotten back on track yet, but I haven't really tried either. I'm not drinking, barely at all, but still. The coke didn't help, I'm sure.

Anyway, moving to Ohio and I just have to take a moment to say how grateful I am for everything. Shit sucks and life is hard, but I have one. For that, I'm grateful. And I know some day, the things I've been manifesting will come true. And I know those things will come sooner rather than later.

I trust myself and my intuition. Most days, I don't even want to die anymore.

I will find happiness. If I can't, I'll make it.

30 Day Custom Weight Loss Challenge

DAY 3

1367 cal, 99 g carbs. (I'm quite exaggerating how much I eat, so don't be alarmed bc of 99 g, lol.)

Meditation Challenge: 5 breaths.

Completed. I felt like I couldn't fill my lungs again, I don't know why it's happening.

Thinspo Challenge: A picture of your thinspo. What features do you like about this person?

I was gonna upload pictures, but I realized the post would end up with tens of them. I have so many thinspos, so many people have amazing bodies, even people I know in real life are damn thinspos. There was no way I could choose only a few. Then, I remembered this GODDESS. Miss fucking Bo. What a body, what a face... What features do I NOT like about her? She looks unreal. Instead of pictures, I'm just gonna drop her insta right here: @_missbo

Writing Challenge: A memory.

When I first visited the grave of the person I got my name from, I cried like I never did before. I'm the type of person that looks at the mirror when they cry, I don't know why; to not feel alone, to see my worst, to pity myself... Each time I did it, I always found something, someone, fighting, angry, powerful, ready to get right back up. But, I remember exactly how it felt that day, and why it was different. I believe I'll always carry a piece of that moment with me, even if I forget it one day. I never felt as weak, as helpless, as small as I did in that moment. That thing, that person I saw in my eyes every time I cried was not there when I saw myself in the rainwater pooling on the ground. It was the moment I admitted I was born dead, everything around me was the ghosts of the past, and my body was a graveyard. It was the moment I realized I was just another puppet of history, nothing more than my ancestors who haunted my mind, and understood why I was so obsessed with leaving a legacy behind. It was complete submission and surrender to time, and to the fact that there is no such thing as self. I don't think I will ever feel something so surreal again.

Gratitude Challenge: My favorite part of the morning.

Look, I know this is the gratitude challenge, but I've had such a hard time sleeping and especially waking up these last couple of days that I have no idea what to say. OK, OK, lemme think. My favorite part of the morning is when it's still a bit dark and cold. The nature is awakening but people are still asleep. There is something so lonely, sad, yet peaceful about it. It feels like death a little, more than sleep itself does, but it's utterly serene. I love waking up early and studying or just reading with a cup of coffee, milk, or hot chocolate.

Song Challenge: A song(s) title with the name of a food.

I can't believe I listened to some of these when I was a child and had NO IDEA what they were about, lmao.