#oh so you’re saying Adam needs some of Lawrence in him? well- *is shot*
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James and Leigh: yeah basically they’d both be happier if Adam was a bit more like Lawrence and Lawrence was a bit more like Adam :) almost like they kinda need each other in their lives :)
Me: *visibly shaking a sweating profusely* oh sure ok yeah I can be normal about this
#oh so you’re saying Adam needs some of Lawrence in him? well- *is shot*#saw franchise#adam stanheight#adam faulkner stanheight#lawrence gordon#chainshipping#james wan#leigh whannell#saw#saw 2004
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chasing pegasus (part two)
part one
[horse racing au]
tw: there’s some discussions of unhealthy dieting in this one, so watch out!
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a lap around the yard
The Trainer
Four days later, the sound of hoofsteps came crunching up the driveway of the Netherworld. It was a wet, early morning, the sun not even up yet. Animals were still asleep, as were Barbara and Adam- not even Lydia had showed up for work.
And yet, there were hoofsteps coming from the street.
It had taken little persuasion to convince Presley Lind’s parents into allowing Beetlejuice to be her new trainer once they found out he was associated with the Maitland’s. Their bored expressions lit up instantly, and Beetlejuice easily saw the greed shining inside of their eyes. He had managed to bite back a laugh in the moment, not wanting to ruin this opportunity.
As a child, horses were Beetlejuice’s entire world. Despite his mother working in politics, he lived on a farm, where the plains rolled out to him every morning like green carpets and the air was fresh and clean. There was so much space, and absolutely nothing to fill it.
Lawrence “Beetlejuice” Shoggoth longed for a pony of his own more than anything. Almost every day, he would watch the neighbors ride around on their horses, practically radiating smugness like, “Hahaha! Look at us! We got horses and you don’t! Hahaha!”
He tried to get a horse. Every single Christmas, every single birthday, he would ask his mother for a pony of his own. And every single time he was shot down. She would say that his wonder towards the animals was just a “phase,” that he would lose interest in the beast and leave her to take care of it, but Beetlejuice knew the real reason she said no was because she didn’t like when he got anything he wanted.
It wasn’t until he was seventeen that he finally got the horse he had been dreaming about.
She was a little black-and-white thoroughbred filly that Beetlejuice nursed himself after her mother was killed by a pack of hungry coyotes. His mother had been furious when he carried the foal into the house that dark evening, but he managed to convince her into letting him keep the animal, as long as he paid for everything and didn’t come running to her when he needed help. He was ecstatic.
That little black-and-white thoroughbred filly was the same large black-and-white thoroughbred mare standing beside him at five-thirty in the morning before the sun had even risen, waiting for their pupils.
Sandy, aka It’s Showtime, was the highlight of Beetlejuice’s life. She was fast, full of energy, and had more of a personality than most people Beetlejuice had met. She was everything he dreamed about and more. He didn’t know what he would do without her.
“Good morning, student!” Beetlejuice greeted Presley animatedly when she finally finished her walk down the driveway. Strangely enough, she wasn’t riding her horse, instead guiding him by a halter. She didn’t seem to have been on his back at all that morning, deciding to make the whole trip on foot.
“Good morning, Mr. Shoggoth,” Presley greeted back. In the faint glow from the light attached to the wall of the nearby barn, he saw that she was dressed in a soft-looking flannel, a tank top underneath that, leggings, and boots. Her helmet and goggles were hanging from the side of her saddle. She had her crop with her and she kept fidgeting with it as some sort of nervous tic.
Beetlejuice couldn’t help but laugh at her insistence in formality. She truly was the epitome of a Southern Belle, even up in Connecticut.
“You can call me Beetlejuice, kiddo, it’s okay.”
Presley wrinkled her nose, but nodded anyway. Beetlejuice was sure that was going to last for maybe an hour, and then she would be back to referring to him like he was the president of the United States or something.
“So, are you ready for our first day of training?” Beetlejuice asked, hoping he didn’t sound too much like an excited child on Christmas. He had been waiting for the perfect protégé for what felt like forever and he finally found someone who showed real promise. He couldn’t wait to teach her about everything he knew.
“Yes, sir!” Presley answered. She matched his energy, so Beetlejuice decided to ignore the fact that she replied to him like he was a drill sergeant and she was a wannabe soldier preparing for war.
“That’s what I like to hear!” Beetlejuice clapped her on the back. “Let’s get out to the track.”
--- --- ---
The first hour and a half, they didn’t even touch the horses.
Sandy and Presley’s stallion, a scraggly grey thoroughbred stallion named Peril, were put into the carousel to get their muscles warmed up for later riding--
--except Peril attempted to physically fight the equipment the moment it turned on and tried to guide him around the circle, which he did not like at all. Beetlejuice and Presley both had to rush to calm him down before he could break something or hurt himself or worse: wake up Barbara. After a few moments of resistance, he finally gave into the tug of the machine and relented to following its pull.
By the time the sun had finally come up, Presley was soaked in a fine layer of sweat. They spent those first few hours exercising; or, rather, Presley was exercising. Beetlejuice watched over her with a hose at the ready if he caught her slacking off.
Being a jockey was a lot harder than anyone initially thought. Despite being small in stature, easily half the size of any NFL player most of the time, they were required to guide twelve hundred pounds of pure flesh and muscle at speeds of up to forty miles per hour. Strength was needed to stay on the backs of the sprinting beasts, hence why the training regimen for jockeys were so intense.
After the initial stretches, Beetlejuice had Presley do a myriad of exercises- squats, lunges, jumping lunges, flutter kicks, bear crawls, burpees, and one-leg deadlifts, and even after finishing all of that she still wasn’t done. He told her to run a mile around the track, and she went without complaining.
“Lawrence, you better not be killing our jockey. We just got her.”
A voice like a songbird’s sweet chirping broke through the silence of the morning. Beetlejuice turned to see Barbara and Adam walking over, both of them smiling. He perked up.
By then, the sun had come up, bathing the Netherworld in soft golden rays. Horses emerged from the stables, moseying out into the pasture to graze, though some of them stopped to peer curiously at Peril. He and Sandy were mulling in a nearby holding pen after they finished their own exercise on the carousel. When Peril caught the stares he was getting from the other horses, he lifted his head, grass hanging from his mouth, and flicked his ears at them in some kind of silent, equine gesture, then went back to eating.
“I’m not!” Beetlejuice said, laughing. “She’s fine. Doing great, actually!”
With impeccable comedic timing, Presley skidded to a halt at the fencing in front of them, kicking up a plume of dirt, which only furthered to dirty her even more than she already was: head-to-toe, she was completely covered in silt from the track, turning her pale skin a faint orangey color. It effectively stuck to the sweat already coating her body, making her look like she had tried to test the dust baths the horses sometimes took.
She raised her head, face red from exertion and orange-brown from dirt, and squinted through the morning sun at Barbara and Adam.
“Good morning, Mrs. Maitland. Good morning, Mr. Maitland,” She greeted the couple with her trademarked politeness, even as she was doubled over and heaving her breaths.
“Morning, Presley,” Adam said.
“Good morning, dear. How are you?” Barbara asked.
“Good,” Presley answered. “You?”
“I’m doing very well.”
Presley nodded. She shook herself out, though it did little to remove the dirt clinging to her frame, then stood up straight, hands pressed against her lower back like she was trying to pop her spine.
“BJ isn’t working you too hard, is he?” Adam asked, looking at her, then squinting at Beetlejuice in playful suspiciousness.
“No, sir,” Presley answered. “I’m okay.” She dragged her feet through the dirt, brewing up another storm around her, as she walked over to the fence and braced herself against the wood.
“Rude,” Beetlejuice poked Adam in the ribs. “You’re acting like I’m gonna torture her or something! I’m a great teacher! Right, kid?”
“I got sand in my boots,” Presley said distractedly, kicking the heel of one of her musty boots against a small rock.
“See!” Beetlejuice said, and Adam and Barbara laughed.
“Before you continue your teachings, I want you both to eat breakfast,” Barbara said, for all the world sounding like a mother to a soccer team. She looked at Presley. “Do you like danishes?”
“Oh, uhh,” Presley shuffled her feet awkwardly, then scrunched her face up like a disturbed bunny when the sand must have scratched around in her boots. “I don’t eat breakfast.”
Barbara and Adam stared at her. She blinked back at them, then glanced up at Beetlejuice with a worried expression that said, “Did I do something wrong?”
“Ever?” Adam asked.
“No,” Presley shook her head. “Sometimes I’ll have a shake. Maybe an apple. That’s usually it, though.”
“Honey, you have to eat,” Barbara said, sounding concerned.
“I’m on a diet,” Presley said back, as if that justified her skipping meals all the time. “It’s kinda strict, so…” She kicked at a pebble, avoiding their gazes.
“Diet for what?” Adam probed. “You’re already so thin!”
“We have to be thin,” Presley reprimanded. “Jockeys, I mean. There’s a weight restriction for a reason. And if I slack off one day, then I’ll snowball, and you know how easy it is to regain weight?”
“How much do you weigh right now?” Beetlejuice joined in on the questioning. He hoped nobody could hear the curl of concerned sickness edging his voice.
“Uhhh,” Presley had the audacity to count on her fingers, which made Adam’s eyes practically bulge out of his skull, as if he were expecting her to say some absurd number like seven or ten. Though, in his defense, what she actually ended up saying was equally as concerning.
“If I remember correctly from the last time I checked… I think ninety-nine pounds?”
“Ninety--” Adam sputtered, cutting himself off. “NINETY-NINE?!”
Presley scrunched her face up at him again. “Yeah…” She said slowly. “Usually I’m ninety-four, though.”
“NINETY-FOUR?!”
Presley blinked at him. She seemed innocently oblivious to how worrying what she said was…or maybe she did know how worrying it was and was just acting like she didn’t in a way to convince herself that what she was doing was okay and perfectly healthy.
She didn’t look emaciated. To be honest, Beetlejuice used to think that anyone under a hundred pounds were like those people in the sad pictures of Africa, the ones that stated that everyone on the continent were starving to death and tried to convince you to do some twenty-four hour fasting thing to “see how they lived” or something like that instead of doing something useful like asking for donations to help those people. You know- drum-tight skin, ribs showing, stomachs sunken into empty caverns, every detail of the hip bone being perfectly highlighted, limbs like matchsticks, more skeleton than human.
But Presley looked like the exact opposite of that. Her skin wasn’t pulled tight over her bones, her bones weren’t showing at all, even, and she definitely was not a skeleton.
But Beetlejuice also knew firsthand that the effects of “jockey dieting” weren’t always physical. Sometimes it all on the inside- throat eroded from constant purging, muscles weak with no energy, stomach cannibalizing itself in a desperate attempt to get nutrients.
He knew because he, too, had slaved himself over the jockey diet before eventually accepting that he would never meet the weight restriction and get to race in a real derby.
Seeing his new pupil torture herself with such a hellish thing did not make him happy.
“Presley, you have to eat,” Barbara said gently before Beetlejuice could blow his top and scold his new student.
“I do,” Presley tried to assure her. “I eat dinner. One meal per day; that’s what the regimen says. I have to follow it if I want to be a jockey. Those are, like, the rules.”
“Well, I don’t see any rule book around here,” Adam said.
“It’s an unspoken one.”
“Presley, Barbara is right,” Beetlejuice spoke up. “You have to eat. I get the whole ‘staying in shape to stay in the weight requirement’ thing, I do, but you’ll be no use in a race if you’re too weak to ride.”
Presley seemed to be getting flustered. She opened her mouth, then closed it and ducked her head. Her boot scuffed at the grass.
“Danishes sound nice. Thank you, Mrs. Maitland.”
--- --- ---
After a breakfast of danishes, scrambled eggs, grilled ham, and orange juice, Beetlejuice and his student were back outside. Now that it was light out, he decided to let her muscles rest a little longer and give her a tour. Lydia, who had been dropped off by her father, joined them.
Most of the horses were out in the pasture, as were the other farm animals the Maitland’s kept, but most of the broodmares spent their time inside the stables, a breezy building that smelled like hay and dirt. The pregnant horses rumbled and huffed to each other, and Beetlejuice recognized the low-level threat in those sounds. Foaling mares were often aggressive. They were kept separately from each other, in large stalls with heavy wooden walls and thick layers of rushes on the floor.
Six mothers filled the stables. Barbara and Adam were encouraging more breeding to replace the three mares they had recently lost, and to fill the orders they had gotten from richer racers that were seeking out a good horse. Lydia pointed out all the foaling horses as they went by, and Presley listened with great interest.
The first was Bullseye aka Target’s Grand Splash, a solid black Arabian with a single white spot around her left eye and pure white socks. She was fierce and standoffish.
The next was Sky aka Up, Up, and Away, a pure white standardbred with hints of pink around her dark eyes. She was the restless type, constantly resetting her bedding because it wasn’t good enough for her liking.
Then there was Flicker aka Light The Night, a buckskin paint horse with white splotches all across her body and a constant need for playing. As they passed by, she was throwing her hay up into the air with her teeth.
After her was Pisces aka The Zodiac Killer, a dark chestnut thoroughbred with even darker socks around her hooves. Her ears were pinned back and she glared as they walked by her pen.
Fifth was Magi aka Blaze of Enchantment, a blonde quarter horse with a silky brown mane and tail. Her gentle nature made her easy to care for.
Finally, there was Sneeze-Breeze aka It’s A Long Story, a second thoroughbred, this one with a coat of red roan. Upon hearing her name, Presley gave Lydia a confused look, to which Lydia replied with, “It’s a long story.”
Presley laughed.
“And then that’s my horse!” Lydia said, pointing to a black abyss that was a Tennessee walker gelding. Its dark coat really fit Lydia’s aesthetic. “Well, he’s my favorite horse, but I still like to call him my horse. His name is Gloom!”
Gloom lifted his head from his stall and blinked big blue eyes at Lydia. She patted his large cheek.
“His show name is The Moon Man,” Lydia further informed.
“He’s so handsome,” Presley said in awe, staring up at the void.
Beetlejuice allowed the two teenagers to chat a little longer before pulling Presley back out to begin training. It was good that Lydia talked to girls her age. She usually just made conversation with the horses ever since the recent passing of her mother. Maybe a human friend would be good for her.
“Alright, kiddo,” Beetlejuice said once they were all back outside. Presley had Peril by his halter for an inspection. “Let’s see what you got.”
Beetlejuice, for one, knew a pretty horse when he saw one, and Peril was the epitome of thoroughbred beauty. His coat was a glossy steel grey, rippling rays of light when the sun hit the fur, and his mane and tail were the color of storm clouds. He had four black stockings up each of his legs as if he had crawled out from the shadows. There was a freckling of grey on his snout and his eyes were a bright flame blue. Beetlejuice could see why Presley liked him so much.
Unfortunately, outward looks were just about the only thing Peril had going for him.
Although he was huge, easily twice, maybe three times the size of his tiny jockey, he was gangly and awkward. His legs were stalky, knees knobby, and his tail was bushy. His ears were moving constantly, like spirits were whispering in them, telling him secrets, and his eyes were always looking around.
Peril twitched when Beetlejuice laid hands on him. He lifted one of his back legs, scraping the dirt with the edge of his hoof, but seemed to decide against kicking for the moment, though he still leered at Beetlejuice out from the corner of his eyes, silently warning him.
Beetlejuice went on.
Peril quickly proved to be the exact opposite of the phrase “gentle giant.” He was a stubborn thing, bearing enough tenaciousness to fill all of Connecticut. Even Adam’s mule wasn’t as hard headed as this beast.
The stallion refused to lift his hooves for Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice had to wrestle with his leg just to be able to check his feet, though he decided to let the attitude slide because it made Lydia and Presley giggle.
Peril had thoroughbred-typical shitty feet. Thin soles. Too flat. Underrun heels. Typical racer. Best to get the farrier down to the farm to start drawing the toe back into something that would at least be considered a little healthy.
He dropped the foot. The joints flexed cleanly. Peril had muscle, Beetlejuice could see, but it was hidden beneath his bulk and awkward girth. At least his ribs weren’t showing.
Beetlejuice stole a glance at Presley, who was holding Peril steady by his halter and chatting avidly with Lydia. Her horse ate better than she did.
Dropping the subject from his mind for now, Beetlejuice began to check Peril’s withers and back. Peril humored his touch, keeping his hindquarters cocked for the moment, not ready to kick just yet. Beetlejuice eyed them wryly. As lanky as his legs were, he could knock someone’s brains out with those hooves.
Beetlejuice ran his hands over Peril’s soft hide. Peril shifted beneath his palms, letting out an impatient huff. He looked at Presley, who looked back with a nervous expression.
“How often do you train with him?” Beetlejuice asked.
“Six days a week,” Presley answered, and Beetlejuice caught the anxious tremors in her voice. “Sundays are our off days.”
Beetlejuice nodded. “It’s good that you both have time to relax.” He stroked Peril’s broad neck, and the muscles bunched and released beneath his fingers. “What is his diet like?”
“I give him two to three meals a day of grain and hay,” Presley told him. She was whiteknuckling the halter leash nervously, as if she fed Peril baby heads or something and didn’t want to reveal her bloody secret. “He gets carrot and apple slices in the evenings. Sometimes other fruits and vegetables I have at home. And if he’s good I give him peppermints.”
At the sound of the treat, Peril’s ears flicked to alertness and he began to lip at Presley’s hand. Presley laughed and fished out a mint she had in her pocket. Peril devoured it instantly.
Beetlejuice began to rattle off several questions, and Presley answered them with little hesitation, though her anxiety remained.
“Does he receive yearly vaccinations?”
“Yes, sir.”
“When was he last seen by a vet?”
“Two months ago, I believe.”
“Who grooms him?”
“I do.”
“Has he ever had colic?”
“No, sir.”
“What kind of bit do you use?”
“Usually a D-ring snaffle, but sometimes I use an eggbutt snaffle. They’re both easiest on his mouth and he gets cranky if it isn’t comfortable.”
“Where did you get him?”
“My neighbor gave him to me.”
“For how much?”
“For free.”
Beetlejuice raised an eyebrow at Presley. “Really?”
“Yes, sir,” Presley said, and Beetlejuice was sure he had been called ‘sir’ more times in one day than he had in his entire life. “He really didn’t want him anymore and just gave him to me.”
“Huh,” Beetlejuice looked up at Peril. “Well, let’s see how he rides, shall we?”
The four of them walked to the hooded paddock. Presley looked supremely uneasy. She wouldn’t stop fidgeting for some reason.
“Be safe,” Presley whispered.
Beetlejuice couldn’t help but give her a weird look as he climbed onto Peril’s back.
Oh, Beetlejuice thought as he was being bucked off mere moments after sitting down. THAT’S why he was given away for free.
--- --- ---
“He’s certainly an…opinionated horse.”
Several hours later, Beetlejuice and Presley were sitting on white picket fence together: Beetlejuice nursing a half-empty bottle of bitter apple cider, Presley sipping lukewarm water. In the enclosed field they were balanced before, Peril trotted the length of his pasture, tail flagged, head snaking in front of him.
“He’s not bad.”
“Never said he was, kid.”
Presley ducked her head. She looked guilty. Beetlejuice hadn’t realized someone could say sorry so much in one breath, and yet Presley had. Even though he only had a minor bruise on his side from being bucked off, she still wasn’t over what happened.
“Doesn’t like doors very much,” Beetlejuice observed.
Presley winced. He was referring to when Peril had viciously fought the door to a small pen she had tried to put him into earlier that afternoon.
“He’s not-- I mean, he doesn’t usually--” Presley was fumbling. She was pale, hands clenched in her flannel. She looked like she was about to spiral into a full blown anxiety attack.
Beetlejuice put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay,” He said. “Horses have their quirks. Sandy used to snort sand all the time.”
Presley blinked big doe eyes at him. “Really?”
“You didn’t think she was named because of her colors, did you?” Beetlejuice tipped his head at her, looking amused.
“There’s black sand! That exists!” Presley tried to argue in an attempt to save face.
Beetlejuice laughed. “When she was a filly, she used to stick her nose in EVERYTHING. Always these big mounds of dirt, and then she would sneeze, knock herself backwards, and look at me indignantly, to which I would say, ‘Then stop sticking sand up your nose!’ She never listened.”
Presley giggled.
They both watched Peril for a minute. His head was still in the air, neck arched, ears pointed at some unknown distant object he deemed worthy of his attention. Then, he caught them staring and took off in a dead sprint around the corner of the yard, ripping up chunks of turf with his hooves. He stopped abruptly, glanced to make sure they were still looking at him, and then trotted away regally.
“I like this horse,” Beetlejuice said, breaking the silence. “I want him to win.”
“Everyone wants their horse to win, Mr. Shoggoth,” Presley mumbled, shoulders slumped like they were being weighed down by some unruly sin.
Guilt, Beetlejuice rationalized.
He gave Presley a look.
“Beetlejuice,” She corrected herself. “Mr. Beetlejuice.”
“That’s Mr. Juice to you,” Beetlejuice said, poking her in the side, and she nearly squirmed right off of the fencepost. She giggled again. It didn’t last long.
“I want him to win, too,” Presley whispered.
As awkward and ill-tempered as Peril was, he could.
Beetlejuice had met a lot of horses. He had run his eyes and his hands over champions. Hundreds from afar, and dozens up close. A.P. Indy, The Strawman, Stay Thirsty. Even Ocean Liner, though he’d been long retired by that time. There had been Sweet Devil, getting roses draped around his mud-spattered neck; Slipstream, bounding around the winners circle; Permafrost, head held up in haughty pride as he passed by other horses.
Beside The Dying Fire could outrun them all.
“I just don’t know if I’m enough for him.”
The comment caught Beetlejuice off guard. He looked down at Presley, and he could see it now: the self-doubt, the worry, the fear, the painful anxiety raking up and down her insides like jagged horse hooves.
Presley “Jeopardy” Lind wasn’t just timid, she was fragile, too. Much too fragile for the awful things spiraling in her head.
Beetlejuice set a hand on her shoulder. “We chose you for a reason. You rode that beast and got third. You have skill, Presley. You’re exactly what he needs.”
Presley’s eyes were sparkling up at him. Beetlejuice smiled.
“You’re our jockey.”
Presley looked out at Peril. He looked back at her. A thousand plus pounds of muscle, and even heavier than that, the weight of all the dreams each one of these beasts carried. A dark, sharp look in his eye that was either intelligence or haughty pride, or maybe just the hope of his human creators reflecting back at them.
She looked up at Beetlejuice again and, buried beneath the fear and anxiety and doubt, there was confidence.
“I’m your jockey.”
#horse racing au#beetlejuice the musical#beetlejuice the broadway musical#beetlejuice au#beetlejuice fanfiction#beetlejuice fic#beetlejuice fanfic#beetlejuice#lawrence beetlejuice shoggoth#barbara maitland#adam maitland#lydia deetz#the jockey#beetlelands#tw: eating problems
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Chapter 4
After breakfast the next morning, Robert returned to the room and got ready to go into town with Chrissie.
‘When will you be back?’ Aaron muttered, not looking up as he perched on his bed while busily texting some messages on his phone.
‘Late afternoon. Why? Will you miss me?’ Robert smirked.
Around lunchtime, Chrissie realized they had forgotten some documents they had needed to post for the business, so Robert volunteered to go back and pick them up.
‘How tedious!’ Chrissie complained. 'Shall I come with you?'
‘You just enjoy your book and lunch and I will be back in an hour tops.’
The house was hushed when he arrived back. The weather was so warm that most of the guests were either out on the river again, in the garden under the trees, or enjoying a post lunch nap.
Robert slipped his key quietly into the lock of his room and opening the door, stepped inside.
He found the curtains closed, but in the dim light he immediately registered that Aaron was there. And he wasn’t alone.
In fact he was quite the opposite. Robert froze as he realized that his roommate was on his bed bollocks deep in another man. Aaron was holding the other guy by his hips. They hadn’t noticed Robert come in. He swallowed, transfixed as Aaron pulled out with a soft growl and then thrust back in with a grunt, echoed by his partner, and then picked up the pace so he was thrusting rhythmically. Robert held his breath and slowly backed towards the door exiting as quietly as he could.
Once out in the garden, he tried to organize his thoughts as he paced in the fresh air.
He was both achingly aroused, like this was something so hot he could hardly bear to think on it, and also sort of angry, he reflected, but why? Was he jealous? Was that even possible? They had been bantering with each other, flirting even. Robert loved nothing more than teasing just to get a reaction. But, he was with Chrissie, and it was such a long while since he had been with another man. However, no matter how hard he tried to push the feeling down Robert couldn’t deny any more that Aaron held some sort of fascination for him.
He called Chrissie.
‘Hi! Listen, I may be a little later than I originally thought, something came up,’ he explained. ‘I need to wait to get into the room.’
In the evening after dinner, Robert found a seat next to Aaron.
‘So!' He began in a voice rich with innuendo. ‘How was your day?’
Aaron shrugged and looked down
‘You know, nothing special.’
Robert smirked. ‘So are you going to introduce us to this nothing special, then?'
Aaron looked up. ‘Wh ...what?'
‘You heard me,’ Robert snapped, taking a slug of his whiskey.
‘There is no one to introduce!’ Aaron snarled back.
Robert grimaced.
‘Look, sorry mate, it was a total accident and I apologize, but I came back to the room this afternoon and well, you were pretty well buried in this no one so...’
Aaron looked at him with raised eyebrows. He colored up.
‘Really? You came in?’ He paused watching Robert nod in affirmation.‘Well don’t say anything.‘ He lowered his voice. ‘He was just a rent boy if you must know. I know him. We have an arrangement since I made money from the business. You said you would be out and so I took advantage of the privacy. No crime in that, but they wouldn’t like it, you know, in case he stole the family silver.’ He gestured over to where Lawrence and Rebecca and Adam were surrounded by some older family members.
Now Robert looked even more confused. ‘But, but ... for fucks sake! Why would you do that, Aaron? You’re an attractive lad. Why buy it? There must be plenty of guys who would want a relationship with you.’
‘Yeah? Well maybe I don’t want a relationship. Keeping it simple. This way I get to pull the shots. If that doesn’t sound a bit, you know....’ Aaron actually smiled and Robert smiled back at him. God he was beautiful.
Robert decided to push a bit more. ‘Is this because of Adam, getting married?’
‘What? Fu... No, course not!’ Aaron objected. ‘It’s complicated. And anyway, who asked you to stick your nose in?’
‘Alright, alright!’ Robert raised his hands. ‘Just being friendly.’
‘Well don’t!’
Aaron got up and walked away, Robert watching him. Christ, not sharing a room with Chrissie must be getting to him. This was not a good idea.
He walked over to Chrissie, who was sitting with the White family group. ‘Can I have a quick word?’ he asked. ‘We couldn’t look for a hotel today. Can’t we find another solution?’
‘Oh, Robert, are you suffering? It’s only three more nights now; tomorrow’s the stag and hen night, then there’s the wedding and the day after we’ll be gone. Can’t you just manage for me Robert? Please don’t be difficult about this.’
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Beetlejuice x Reader - Lonely Like Me
Part 4 - Final
[Something weird happened when I reblogged the original and I think I accidentally deleted it. So I’m reposting. It’s not in order anymore but... feh]
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You drop your phone on your bed with a startled gasp when the strange man (or wait, didn’t he say demon?) from the supermarket suddenly appears in your bedroom, striped suit, green hair and all. He looks every bit as garish and shocking as he did that day at the store, but now that you’re paying attention and have him up close you notice details that you missed in passing. Like how his hair is dark at the roots, that there appears to be moss or algae growing on the lapels of his jacket, and that his smile is just slightly too wide and too pointy to be completely human. How could you have possibly mistaken him for just some random, if outrageously dressed but otherwise normal guy?
As you behold the full effect of his appearance; the shabby, dilapidated state of his too-large suit, the chipped black paint on his fingernails, the pale skin splotched here and there with splashes of green and purple, you realize that you’ve been staring at him in open mouthed silence for enough time that it’s awkward. For his part, the man/demon/ghost (Betelgeuse?) is staring just as avidly at you, still grinning his enormous Cheshire cat grin. “See something you like? You should know, babes, the first five minutes are free, but after that I start charging,” he says in that raspy, gravelly voice. There is a lurid, salacious tone to his words and he meaningfully waggles his dark eyebrows.
You feel warmth rush to your cheeks and avert your eyes, pretending to be very invested in rearranging the bedclothes in the hopes that he won’t catch you blushing. After taking a moment to compose yourself you turn back to him, clearing your throat to speak but finding your mind completely devoid of anything to say. There’s a grinning dead guy in your bedroom, you’re not really sure where to go from here. Betelgeuse appears utterly incapable of being still, he’s bouncing on the balls of his feet and still positively beaming at you when not peering curiously around your room. You flash an awkward smile in return, your hands fidgeting with your sheets and the hem of your nightshirt and one another.
“So,” you begin, seizing desperately on the first thread of conversation your brain offers. “You’re… you’re really dead?” Betelgeuse snaps his heels together and bends at the waist into a dramatic bow, tilting his head up to shoot you another rakish grin. “Sure am, babes. The Underworld’s leading bio-exorcist, at your service.” He rights himself and, with a flourish, presents you with a battered and yellowed business card. You take it and read, your eyes skimming the slightly faded black lettering. “Betelgeuse,” you murmur to yourself, finding that you rather like the way the syllables roll off your tongue. “Careful with that, sweets,” says the specter. “I just got here, after all.” You frown, not quite understanding what he means, but he did say there were rules about his name. If just saying it out loud three times summoned him, or whatever, then saying it more times might do something else. And, strangely, you dislike the idea of losing this unusual connection so soon.
“What should I call you, then?” you ask. “Just to be safe.” He lights up at your question, almost literally. You could swear that the tint of his vibrant green hair has intensified before your eyes, practically glowing like a neon sign. “My first name’s Lawrence!” he replies cheerfully. “But I’ll answer to almost anything; B-man, Bug Beverage, Mr. Juice, I went by Your Eminence for awhile. My BFFFF forever usually just calls me Beej or BJ. But whatever you’re cool with, babes!” His exuberance is equal parts overwhelming and catching and you find yourself smiling as he rattles off other monikers to apply to him. It takes you a few moments to realize that as he’s been talking, he’s risen impossibly into the air and is now floating with his boots several inches off the floor. You raise your palm in a “whoa there” gesture, still smiling so he won’t think he’s annoying you. “I think I’ll go with Beej, if that’s ok with you. Though I do like the sound of Lawrence.”
You blink in surprise when strands of his gravity-defying hair abruptly shift to a brilliant bubblegum pink that quickly fades back to green. Well that’s unusual, you think, but it’s oddly charming. At least it’s no stranger than the ghost/demon thing or the levitating. And speaking of the ghost/demon thing, you have questions, several of them, and when you voice your interest to Betelgeuse he is practically bursting at the seams to answer.
It is truly amazing how many words are coming out of his mouth and how quickly (apparently he doesn’t need to breathe), and you rather feel like you are clinging to the wing of a cruising plane. But he does his best to explain what he calls “the whole, y’know, being dead thing!” and what his job as a bio-exorcist entails. Some of your questions are answered, but they are quickly replaced by new ones. You get the gist, though, and by the time he’s finished his lengthy dissertation Betelgeuse is sitting cross-legged in mid air and your brain is approaching critical mass. You exhale slowly through pursed lips, unfolding your legs and letting them dangle over the edge of the mattress. “That’s…. a lot to take in,” you admit. Betelgeuse’s eyes widen and a devilish grin splits his face as he exclaims, “That’s what she said!” You groan in exasperation as your head lolls limp to one side, amused by the juvenile joke but not willing to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. “Oh, God, Beej, that was terrible!” You hear him snort once before he replies, “That’s what she said!! You can’t just keep settin’ em up for me so perfectly and not expect me to take the shot!”
He winds up staying with you the whole weekend. Mostly the two of you spend the time just talking, making junk food runs to the nearby convenience store and hanging out together on the couch watching TV. Despite the highly irregular circumstances that brought him into your life, you really appreciate having Betelgeuse around. He tells you about the Netherworld and his living family and he promises to introduce you properly sometime soon. When Monday inevitably rolls around again, you’re surprised to find that the usual bone-deep dread does not reappear. Betelgeuse practically begs to come to work with you, assures you he can make himself totally invisible to everyone but you. You convince him to stick it out at your place until the end of the day. You do still have to get your work done, which will be difficult if you’re trying to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t feed any of your coworkers into the shredder.
The day passes quickly and uneventfully and as you commute home you find yourself smiling. Not just smiling, but hardly able to contain your excitement. Someone is waiting for you at home, and he will be just as excited to see you as you are to see him. This isn’t something you’ve ever really experienced before, but it feels nice. It’s warm and comforting and exactly what you wished for.
As soon as you walk through the door Betelgeuse is there, wrapping you in an almost-too-tight hug and lifting you off the ground. “Babes!” You laugh and slip your arms under his to hug him back as he floats you both into the air. As far as you’re concerned, you could stay like that with him all night. But then you have to go to the bathroom...
The following weekend he directs you to a house on the other side of town, far removed from the Winter River city limits. It’s unassuming from the road, a classic Victorian. Betelgeuse doesn’t hesitate at the door, barging right in over your startled protests. “Attention, jerkwads: new breather coming through!” You almost physically shrink before the eyes of the strangers who appear from different parts of the house at Betelgeuse’s shout. “She followed me home and I’m keeping her,” he announces, throwing an arm around your shoulders and squeezing you against his body. And it is with that illustrious preamble that you meet the Deetzes and the Maitlands. Adam, Barbara and Delia are all consummate hosts and hostesses, welcoming you warmly. Charles is gentlemanly and polite, in a long-suffering but resigned sort of way. Lydia, whom you’ve heard a great deal about, it more reserved but appears curious at the very least when you finally introduce yourself. “Bout time,” she states with a smirk, gesturing at Betelgeuse with a jerk of her chin. “He hasn’t shut up about you in a month.” At her remark you turn to the ghost with the most with a coy smile that he doesn’t see because he’s fiddling with his tie while tell-tale pink bleeds into his hair.
In practically no time at all you are absorbed into the unconventional Deetz-Maitland-Shoggoth family, as though you always have been and when you’re around them you feel like you are home.
#beetlejuice#beetlejuice x reader#beetlejuice x self insert#beetlejuice the musical#beetlejuice broadway#my writing#Pate writes
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YGO Laurel: Goodbyes and Hellos
(so it’s not a drabble, but features my YGO oc Laurel writing goodbye letter and some hello letters to people in her life. and a little background: she’s writing to her dad who’s in prison for abusing and kidnapping her, and her mom’s dead but she’s writing a cathartic letter to her anyway, and Adam is a friend she stayed with before moving to Domino City, and Fein is her best friend from childhood she had to say goodbye to when she ran away from home -- SORRY THAT’S A LOT BUT ENJOY)
I rip the failed letter to shreds, again. I toss it with the rest of my mistakes into the trash. I lay back into my revolving chair roughly and my hair scatters across my face. I exhale through my nose and I watch as a strand floats lifelessly and then plops back down onto my face. Annoyed, I collapse my elbows onto my desk and rub my face with my shaky hands. Why can’t I write this God-forsaken letter? I’ve been able to write the others, and I even delivered! Even the ones to Seto and Mokuba I placed on their beds. But you, you like to mock me don’t you? I grab another card from my desk and begin to scribble out my thoughts once more.
***
Lawrence Turner,
Why? No, better question is how? How could you ever think you could get away with this? You won’t be able to hurt anyone in there. Didn’t you realize before this started? Before the drinking and the gambling and the Cuban cigars, that you would get caught? I can’t begin to count the scars on my body from smashed beer bottles to concussions that were never treated. And those bloody turtlenecks. I hate turtlenecks; and yet that’s all I could wear for two years!
Don’t ever talk to me again. I hate you. I really hate you.
__________________
Seto,
I’m sorry. That’s the first thing that comes to mind. I know you won’t accept that. You probably won’t accept it or you will hate the lack of “better language in expressing my sorrow.” I don’t even know if you will read this. I understand though, I really do, but it hurts though to know you may never forgive me. I had my reasons. You still may deny that my choice to lie to you was reasonable, but I had to protect myself; I had to protect you. And Mokuba.
Now don’t let that stupid ego of yours get in the way! To my surprise, I started to care for you both; I’ll admit that much. The more involved I got, the more I wanted to tell you my story. My insides were going to explode if I didn’t tell you soon; I guess that’s why I am writing this letter.
To put it succinctly, we both have daddy issues. While yours was a pompous asshole with too much money, mine was an abusive alcoholic. Oh, and did I mention he was a wrestler back in the day? That’s why I acted so tough and wanted to work out. I had to be ready if I ever saw him again. That’s also how I got the scar on my left shoulder that you always asked about; it was a broken beer bottle. Happy?
And then there’s the mom piece: she died not long after Luka was born. He was two and I was nine. Terminal cancer; there was nothing the doctors could do. That’s when dad’s drinking got out of control, and he got back into the ring. Once that started, there were lots of late nights and lots of brown-stained t-shirts. And so I ran and took little seven-year-old Luka with me. I was smart enough to know I couldn’t take care of another human being at my age, so I left him with Grandma Lacey. She stopped talking to my dad after mom died.
And you know Adam. I met him along the way. He actually caught me when I tried stealing some food from his pub. It was a bad time in my life; I was a desperate and dirty fifteen-year-old. He said I reminded him of how he acted when he was my age and took me in. I slowly began telling my life story to him and became a part of his family. But once again I had to leave. Lawrence was getting too close to me and it was heartbreaking to leave them. Then I ran into your brother and my perspective on life changed. You and Michael stopped me from dwelling on my past.
Please don’t try and track me down. I need to stay away to keep you and Mokuba from meddling where you don’t belong, and in circumstances you don’t understand. I’m probably not your top priority; I was more of a bother than anything I bet. I’ll find a way to pay you back. For all the clothes, for living in your house, even when I was using up all the hot water. I don’t think I need to go on; you’re probably enjoying it too much. The point is, you’ve done a lot for me over this past year and I feel the need to repay you for your generosity I continue to feel unworthy of.
Before I end this poor excuse for a letter, I’d like to make a deal with you. I want you to let people into your life when I’m gone. I know that may sound nearly impossible for you to do, but I believe that it will help you be less of a grump. And don’t deny it – you’re a grump. Get out there, have a party or a fundraiser or a fancy gala or whatever. Get a girlfriend and treat her nicely. Go out to fancy dinners and see movies. Also maybe get a dog, to teach Mokuba some more responsibility. And yes, naked dogs are out of the question: those things are disturbing. So yes, you’ll have to put up with some new fuzzy furniture.
And what will my part be in this deal you ask? Well, if you wish, you’ll never have to see me again. If not, if you do manage to find me (which I still recommend you don’t try to do), I’ll answer any, if not all, of your pestering questions. Deal?
Sincerely,
Laurel Annalise Turner
__________________
Dear Mokuba,
You know I love you, right? You’re one of the sweetest human beings I’ve ever met. I had a hard life until I ran into you and you made everything in life seem worth living for. There’s so much I would love to tell you but I can’t get the words out. I don’t think you’ll want to read a novel about my life. I could go on forever in this letter but I’m kind of in a rush.
To put it simply, you and Seto became the most important part of my new life. You two made me happy and almost helped me forget about all the hardships and people I had lost in the past, including my mother. She died years ago, but I never got over it. Then I lost my father, but he didn’t die. I lost him as a person I could turn to for help, someone who I could rely on for support. He turned on my brother Luka and me. I had to grow up quickly and become the one people, like my brother, could lean on.
I wish you could meet Luka, my baby brother. He’s around your age. Maybe someday you will, if Seth ever lets you see me again. Don’t be mad at Seto, okay? He has every right to be mad at me, and you can’t blame him for being thickheaded. I want you to also be on your best behavior. No harassing your brother! He’s a very busy man and you’re heading off to middle school soon and you’ll need all the free time to STUDY.
Don’t forget about me, all right? I’ll swing by some time; it’ll be our little secret. ☺
Love,
Laurel
__________________
To the Unworthy Human Being, To my Asshole of a Father,
Hey douchebag, how’s it feel to rot in jail? That’s right, you’ll have to make due with hanging out with your sorry self and other good for nothing bastards just like you. Hell I don’t even think you deserve to live, and that’s coming from your daughter. You’ve done nothing but shame the Turner name, I’m thinking of changing it.
I don’t even know why I started this.
Say hi to your loser friends for me.
__________________
Fein Wilson
25 Park Ave.
Dear Fein,
Long time no talk or long time no write. It’s been, what, seven years? Don’t be mad at me, okay? I just want to tell you that I’ll be heading back home soon. I’ve been gone for some time and I feel I should visit and reconnect with my roots, you know? You were the first person that came to mind.
I’m sorry I never stayed in touch while I was gone. A lot has happened to me since I left our small little suburban bubble. The world outside is so strangely wonderful and different. I should show you around one of these days. I’d like to see you. Like I said, I have a lot to explain.
Hope you appreciate the postcard. It’s funny, when I first saw it I immediately thought of us. Almost identical to the last picture we took together. We should go to the beach again, dig up some hermit crabs and stare at cute lifeguards. It’ll be good to act normal for a change. Again, I’ll explain that to you in person.
Miss you,
Laurel T.
__________________
Adam and Meredith Jameson
21 West 52nd Street Apartment 2A
Dear Adam,
Surprised? I’m not going to forget about you any time soon. How’s that wonderful wife of yours? Tell Meredith I said hi. Last time I saw her she was a swollen planet. Did you name your newborn after me ☺? I bet the bar’s a mess without my leadership. The bartenders need to get better at their mixers. They were sloppy last time I was there. I would suggest getting rid of that blonde bimbo.
But I’m not writing to insult your judgment, because you gave me a chance out of the blue. I just thought I should check in. A lot’s happened since my dad found out where I was. Sorry for the mess on the roof by the way, hope there wasn’t too much blood. I didn’t think he would find me while staying with you. I’m just glad all you saw of him was his mug shot on TV. Thanks for visiting me in the hospital by the way. I was out of the coma a few days after you visited. I never got to thank you for the roses. Meredith’s idea, I’m guessing?
You know the more I try to joke about my dad finding me the harder it is for me to write this all down. I still have nightmares of that night on the bar roof every so often. Thankfully I’m not fighting my demons alone, so please don’t lecture me about going about my “recovery” on my own. You don’t need to worry about me anymore; you’re a father now and will have your own child to stress over. I just wanted to let you know that I’m moving past “the incident” (if that’s what I can call it – apocalypse sounds a bit too strong) and that I can’t thank you enough for your support, and for reuniting me with my old and new family.
Thank you for everything. I’ll stop by soon.
Best,
Lor
__________________
Hey Dad,
People keep trying to stop me from writing this, but someone told me it’s best to get things down on paper to help move on. But one question keeps running through my head: how could I ever forgive you? Yet, somehow I feel like it’s not your fault. Some unknown force took you away from me and switched you for some demonic spirit, maybe to test me? Either way I feel the alone time you’ll have will hopefully be enlightening and help you be happy and accept the decisions you made. Maybe then I can see you again.
__________________
Dear Mom,
Hi. Hey, mom. How’s heaven? I miss you. So do Luka and grandma, and I know dad does too. I hope you understand why I can’t talk to him (you weren’t there when the harassment began, thankfully). I don’t even think you could have done anything. It would have happened eventually even if you had never left us. Though having you to hug again would be nice. I’m starting to forget some things; maybe it’s the head trauma from being slammed into walls and banging my head on tables. Dad always had a good arm. I buy your favorite perfume every so often, just to remember your smell. I still have the necklace you used to wear. The chain broke a year ago and so I attached it to an old charm bracelet I made in school. It stands out on the cheap rusted metal and I stroke it every so often, thinking how you would touch it when thinking of your father. I’m playing with it right now as I wonder what to write. I know, who ever thought I’d be so cheesy?
I wish you could meet my new family. Seth and Michael mean the world to me. They’ve done more for me than I could ever give back to them. You always knew exactly what to say to make everything all right – I wish I had inherited that from you. I can’t seem to tell them exactly what’s on my mind. Seto makes me so flustered and he pisses me off (sorry, mom, I know you never liked rude language). But, I couldn’t picture my life without him now. I wonder if you’d approve. I have to admit he can be quite the charmer.
But that’s not the point. You know I’m not very good with romance; it never made sense to me and I don’t think it ever will. I don’t know the secret behind a successful relationship. I remember Fein always talking about her celebrity crush of the week, but that was about it. I could really use your help right about now. Only Mokuba gets to see how I can care for someone. He’s just like Luka; it’s unbelievable. It’s like I got another chance at being a sister.
Anyway, I hope you’re having a nice relaxing time up there.
I’ll love you always,
Laurel
__________________
Father,
I don’t even know why I started this. People say it’s best to get things off your chest to officially move on. I hate you. I really hate you. I’ll never forgive you. You hurt me, and worse, you threated Luka. How could I ever forgive you for that?
Don’t bother writing back. Besides, I’m changing my name legally. You don’t deserve to know my new name. All you need to know is that I’m moving on to bigger and better things, and you’re not invited.
L.
***
I seal the envelope. Finally. I gently lift it up from the table and brush the seal, trying to calm down slightly. I can feel as though a heavy burden is being lifted off my shoulders. However, I can’t begin to relax or feel better. I grab my bags near the side of my desk, pocket the letter, and slowly head to the door. I look back at the room I called my own for the past year and sadly switch the light off. Once I close the door behind me, I lean against it seeking some sort of comfort. I am going to miss this old house.
“Goodbye Seto. Goodbye Mokuba,” I whisper to myself as I try to hold back tears threatening to fall. As I head down the long hallway, I wonder where I will head next.
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hi - so i hope you liked this, i wrote it for an english creative writing class and i really enjoyed writing it back in the day
let me know your thoughts <3
also since i wrote it for a class, there might be instances where seto’s name appears as “seto” and mokuba’s as “michael” -- i changed them so not everyone would know i was a weeboo lol
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Alive for Me
Ship(s): Adam/Lawrence
Character(s): Adam Stanheight ; Lawrence Gordon
Words: 1,922
Warning(s): Mentions of alcohol ; Mentions of panic/anxiety attacks ; Ask to tag
A/N: I’ve been writing this one all day I’m kind of proud of it enjoy
Lawrence was the only thing Adam was alive for.
He'd never openly admit that, though. His pride was too great for him to say that, because it would only let him say that he stood for himself, by himself. For the last twenty-some odd years he has been completely independent, doing what needed to be done to live and doing it pretty damn well, but for the last month and almost a half, he has lost nearly all of his independence because, from what not Lawrence but Dr. Gordon observed, Adam cannot live by himself in that shithole apartment. So, he took it upon himself to come on nights when he's able to easily lie to Allison and say he's going to the hospital just so he can spend the night with Adam and be there in person in case of a nightmare or anxiety attack instead of having to talk him through one through the phone which happened quite frequently.
But despite the reason his fridge is filled with food, his apartment’s warm, and he's not as alone as he used to be, Adam still refuses to call himself dependent because a man like him should be able to take care of himself.
Except he can barely leave his apartment without sparking dreadful anxiety in his system. And he can barely acknowledge the existence of his camera, and he can barely look in that old closet where he found pig head, and he can barely do anything without sparking anxiety so bad he ends up shaking where he stands and hoping Lawrence will pick up the phone.
Lawrence has made it a habit to do that very often, even while at work. Due to the severe mental and physical trauma he had faced, he had been reduced down to just paperwork duty until the hospital deemed that he was stable enough to get his original job back. And honestly, he was fine with this arrangement because it allowed him to be there for Adam when he was needed and for him to call Adam when he needs him.
Unlike Adam, Lawrence was somebody people were always dependent on. He always had Allison and Diana to need him. And now that they were in the middle of a divorce of a relationship he had left because ‘I'm no longer mentally stable for a relationship’ (which was true), he could spend time with Adam who, due to his mental condition, seemed like he needed Lawrence more. So Lawrence could continue feeling needed and Adam could continue living without having to go back to his voyeuristic ways.
When the divorce began going underway, that was when Lawrence decided to (ask Adam if it was okay to) move in. That was about a month after leaving the bathroom, and at first, much to Lawrence's surprise, Adam opposed the idea.
“I was able to live here for years alone before that damn bathroom, I'll be good, man.”
“I'm not a damn baby, I'm fuckin’ fine.”
“Dammit, Lawrence, no!”
But he moved in anyways. Lawrence knew that with every excuse and answer he was given, that his Adam was cracking, tearing at the seams, and knew that if he let Lawrence know that then his humility was showing and he just couldn't let that happen. Lawrence observed that in Adam and was easy to not to push him to talk or, generally, feel. He let Adam think he was fine on his own while secretly supporting him.
The first anxiety attack, courtesy of Adam, was only an hour after coming home from the week-long wait for police in what was supposed to be his tomb. He wasn't awake when he was found by police, having passed out from starvation and blood-loss, but when he woke up in the hospital the next day, he was all but screaming for ‘Dr. Gordon- where the fuck is Lawrence?!”
He had never experienced anxiety attacks nor panic attacks before. Sure, hes felt panic and anxiousness, but he'd never had an attack before. Finally back in his apartment, Adam was back to being alone and having nothing. He thought he'd be able to move on so easily from what had happened, and maybe even forget about Lawrence despite his screaming for him in the hospital and the screaming for him in the back of his head. He was proven wrong, though, an hour later when he decided to step into his own bathroom and realized, ‘Oh! I just came out of one of these! These rooms aren't safe!’ and was suddenly hyperventilating on the floor.
He didn't remember to call Lawrence, not like it was a rule or anything. But Lawrence did call him, just wanting to check on him, and the fact that Lawrence had his number didn't even cross his mind. Hearing the doctor’s voice brought so much relief to him it made him cry. Hearing that he was safe and that he, himself, was safe slowly but surely brought him out of his panicked state and allowed him to take a well deserved piss.
He avoided the bathroom as much as he could.
Lawrence did, too. When he was first able to come home after getting his leg and mental health checked, his first motive was to keep himself calm so he knew staying away from the bathroom would keep him that way. It took a lot of aggravated and fake-smiles from Allison’s part to just get her husband into the damn bathroom, but eventually it worked before the day was over.
The first time Lawrence saw Adam in person after the incident, it was at Adam’s apartment. It was when he first started coming over before he had to start lying to Allison about where he was going. She didn't want him seeing Adam often because ‘he'll remind you of what happened, it's unhealthy’, and Lawrence shot back with a ‘he's the only one who knows what I went through’ and the conversation ended there.
They tried staying friendly, he and Adam. Lawrence would come over, give him a free therapy session because even though he wasn't that kind of doctor, he was the only person Adam could trust and for some reason, he felt like he needed that trust or he'd be crushed, and he'd just be there for the younger on the rougher days, which was nearly every day since.
Their first kiss was only a week after Lawrence started coming around. He came over right after work, right after Adam called him telling him something along the lines of ‘Don't come over to my fuckin’ place again’ through panting breaths. He was mindful to not just walk into the apartment, knocking before he did, and was heartbroken to hear broken sobs coming from down a hall. He hurried along, his thoughts convincing him that Adam was somehow hurt further, and it nearly brought him to tears when he saw the younger laying curled up in his bed, shaking and trying to breathe. Lawrence was by his bedside immediately, cupping one of his cheeks and talking to him gently.
“Breathe with me, okay?”
“I'm here. I'm here and I'm never going to leave, I promise.”
“You're here and you're alive, you made it out and I'm so proud of you.”
During his comforting, Lawrence had gotten into the bed, laying down behind him and holding him close. His arm was first around his chest, then it has snaked down to around his waist which is where it made Adam really melt against him. Though he had calmed down, his tears couldn't seem to stop flowing. He felt disgusting and hated himself for needing someone to comfort him like he was a ‘fucking child’, but Lawrence had him lay down on his back to face him, and gently he tilted his chin up to look at him.
“I don't know why you won't let yourself trust me.”
This stung Adam because it was true. He's been let down, hurt, and left by anyone he's ever cared about and he didn't want to care about Lawrence for that reason, he didn't want to trust him, but no matter what he told himself, he trusted Lawrence more than anything.
Of course he did. He had to trust that he'd get him of the bathroom and he did.
Goosebumps flowed down Adam’s body and his stomach tied itself in knots. He knew he wasn't ready for this, Lawrence knew, and they both knew Lawrence wasn't either but they wanted it so bad, to be held and loved and comforted by the one person they could trust. So, slowly, Lawrence connected their lips and kissed Adam gently, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away Adam’s stray tears and make him feel safer than he had ever felt before.
After that kiss- that gentle, soft, loving touch- they were nearly inseparable.
Then there were nights of fighting. Sometimes it was frequent, and sometimes they wouldn’t fight for months. It depended on whether or not Adam was going to lock his emotions away, pretend he was fine, and tell Lawrence to fuck off. Lawrence knew this to be a defense mechanism, something he’d expect in Adam, but it was undeniable that when Adam would briefly act like he couldn’t trust him that it hurt. So, when he started seeming off-put and upset because of Adam, is made Adam get offensive.
“So what? Am I not allowed to be upset, now? I was left in the dark, alone!”
“And I came back for you just like I promised! Because I wouldn’t lie to you! Remember that?!”
These nights, or even weeks, resulted in Adam leaving the apartment for god-knows-how-long to get shit-faced. It’s not doubted that Adam assumes that they had broken up, so Lawrence doesn’t doubt that Adam is also sleeping with a random hooker to take his anger out on, but even that thought stings Lawrence, especially since he doesn’t have the proof. Just assumptions and self doubt that he’s much more easily able to hide.
It’s easy to hide because he can’t have Adam worry about him. That would mess up their dynamic and he can’t have that.
But when Adam comes back, barely knocking on the door, Lawrence doesn’t care about all that. He just cares that Adam is back home, alive, and to him again. When he opens the door and is able to pull his lover into his arms, burying his face in the crook of his neck, and apologize softly to him, his anxiety washes away and is replaced with blankets of relief.
When Adam comes home, it’s when Adam is truly able to sleep without triggering panic attacks from fear of waking up in ice-cold water and with a chain around his ankle. Because instead of waking up on separate ends of the room, Adam can wake up in Lawrence’s arms, cry to himself softly, tell himself that he’s fine, that Lawrence won’t let him get hurt again, and find peace knowing that there’s actually somebody who doesn’t want him dead and wants him very much alive. Because no matter how strong Lawrence acts for him, he’s fully aware that if he left, Lawrence would crumble because he needs him as much as he needs Lawrence, and he’s okay with that, and so is Lawrence.
Adam was the only Lawrence was alive for.
And unlike Adam, because Lawrence can set aside his pride, he’d admit that.
And it makes Adam feel better every day.
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Workplace Habits
gift from @staranon95 to grumpybub.tumblr.com
ship: killems
It was one of their regular gaming nights when Adam would bring the drinks and James would supply the food. Just the two of them, sat on James’s couch—the one he’s had since college—knocking out the competition in rounds of GTA, Halo, and what-have-you.
Regular gaming nights where they’d get closer and closer together as the couch sagged under their weight from shot springs. Where James would laugh and slap Adam on the shoulder. Where Adam would eventually hook his leg over James’s because the beer was making him feel cuddly and James would think nothing of it.
They’d always been physical with each other in a way that platonic friends just weren’t. Ever since they met in college as freshmen, roomed together as third years, and supported each other in the industry.
At social gatherings, people always asked, “Is there something between you two or …”
And they would reply. “Nah, we’re just friends.”
And no one really questioned it. How they would hang off one another’s shoulders at a certain point in the night, make sure each other was going to get home all right.
Close friends would comment to each of them when they were finally apart from each other.
“I don’t know why you two haven’t hooked up already, honestly. It’s like you’re married.”
And they would each shrug sheepishly.
“He just wants to be friends.”
“We just think it’s better this way. No big deal.”
They were just friends. Nothing more.
…
They worked in the same industry—video editing for entertainment companies. Not in the same company but in the same area that made it easy to grab lunch together. Frequently and often, just the two of them.
Frequently to the point where Adam’s co-workers would make comments about his behaviour.
“Hello, Adam, darling.” Joel sat himself down on the empty chair next to Adam’s desk and twisted back and forth slightly. “Matt and I are going to grab lunch. Care to join?”
“Nah,” Adam said. “I’ve got plans.”
“Plans you say.”
“Yeah, plans with James probably,” Matt said from the doorway.
That seemed to pique Joel’s interest. “James? Again?”
“Yeah,” Matt said, unimpressed. “You know they go out for lunch, like, three days a week.”
“We’re just friends, guys,” Adam said. “Nothing to get excited about.”
“Adam, you go out for lunch three times a week with the same guy,” Joel said. “That’s something.”
“No. It’s nothing. We’ve just been friends since college. There’s nothing to look in to.”
“We’ve been friends since college,” Matt said, and that didn’t help the situation de-escalate at all. “And we don’t go out for lunch three times a week.”
“I work with you every day.”
Matt shrugged like it was a lost cause, like everyone could see what it was between Adam and James and they just … couldn’t.
His phone buzzed.
5 mins??
“Is that your James?” Joel asked.
“He’s not—don’t you guys have somewhere to be?”
“Oh, don’t be like that, Adam. We just care about you and your non-existent love life.”
“A little too much, don’t you think?” Adam quickly saved his work and stood up. “You guys go have fun. I’m going out to eat.”
“I will see that you address your pining!”
…
It was the end of the day and James was waiting for a video to render. Last thing before he locked up shop for the evening. To pass the time, he was annoying Adam, sending him memes, cat videos, and anything else he could think of to annoy Adam who was surely trying to finish up his own work for the week. His desk mate Lawrence happened to peer over his shoulder.
“You two have the most ridiculous mating rituals,” he said. “Is this how you get him hot under the collar? With memes from three years ago?”
James leaned away and pulled his phone closer to his chest. “You’re just jealous of the friendship I have with Adam.”
“Dude,” Lawrence said, deadpanned. “I have friends—thank you very much. I just don’t try to communicate to them through memes. You’ve achieved the equivalent of a six month relationship. And it’s going steady.”
Bruce, another of their office cohort, happened to pop his head in at that time and asked, “What’s going steady?” Then his eyes widened. “Are James and Adam finally going steady?”
James rolled his eyes and dropped his phone down on his desk. “What is it with everyone thinking Adam and I are together? Can’t we just be two insanely close friends?”
“I wouldn’t say you’re just close friends,” Lawrence said.
“Yeah,” Bruce said, leaning against the office door frame. “You’re more, like, playing gay chicken until the other is forced to break the ice so you can finally admit your feelings for each other.”
“You guys look way too deeply into my friendships with other people,” James said. “Don’t you have better things to do with your time?”
“Not really,” Bruce said.
“I finished my work like an hour ago.”
“Would you all like it if I started sending you blast from the past memes?”
“Oh, come on, James, you know you gotta wine and dine me first if you want to start flirting with me through memes,” Lawrence said.
“Oh, fuck off.”
…
They were at some bar, their friends come together to celebrate something something. Adam didn’t pay attention. Adam was too busy looking at James a few seats away further down the bar. He was laughing at something Bones was saying, several drinks in, hair starting to take on that slight wave in the humidity of the bar.
Matt slumped down beside him, knocking their shoulders and the necks of their beers together. Adam was one drink in, having decided to be the DD that night and needed to keep a clear head about him.
“So,” Matt said.
“So what?”
“Have you ever talked to him about it?”
Adam knew what this was about and decided not to play along. “Don’t know what you’re talking about, Peake.” He lifted his bottle to his lips even though he knew it was practically empty.
“You can’t just go about each other like this anymore. Even I’m hoping for something to happen. You’d be good for each other.”
“Sure,” Adam said, still trying to be as non-confrontational as possible.
“Hey, I’m just saying,” Matt said. “Just offering some advice.”
And Adam wanted to say something a bit biting after that, but he couldn’t. Matt was just looking after him, and he knew. He knew how much Adam … appreciated James. How they met in college and were just always there for each other. He knew better than anyone and was just keeping an eye out on Adam’s emotional health. He should feel comforted by the fact. And he did, somewhat. But continued to watch James drink across the bar, occasionally throwing a look at him just to make sure he was always there. Something they always did for each other.
…
It was Adam who took James home that night. James who had a few too many and was clearly wanting to cross the threshold separating friends from couples.
“You know, everyone just wants us to kiss, right?” he said as he and Adam walked up to his apartment.
“Oh, I know. The guys at work won’t stop pestering me about it.”
“You know what would serve them right?”
“Keys.”
“Right. Right.” James fished out his keys and passed them off. “You know—know what would serve them right?”
“Mm? And what’s that?”
“If we kissed. If we kissed and just showed everybody that two friends can totally kiss and just not have it be weird, you know?”
“Mmhm.”
The door to the apartment was opened, and Adam pulled James inside. “Is it all right if I crash here? I’m way too tired to make it home.”
“Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.”
Adam closed the door, and James came to him, leaned against him heavily, hands on his chest. “We should just kiss right now. Get this tension sorted out.”
Adam huffed a laugh, set his hands on James’s biceps. “You think that’s wise?”
“Pfft. Of course. Don’t you trust me, Kovic?”
“Kisses can change things.”
“But they won’t between us. We’re like rocks, you and I. So come on. Pucker up.” James pressed in, and Adam turned his head before the last second. James pressed his lips to his cheek anyway.
“Not now,” Adam said softly. “Not while you’re drunk.”
“You are a true gentlemen.”
“Come on. Time for bed.”
…
Adam woke to the smell of coffee and a gentle touch to the shoulder. He jerked awake but calmed when he saw James. He rolled out onto his back, raised one hand to shield his eyes as he stretched. “What time is it?”
“Late, who the fuck knows. Coffee?”
Adam nodded and pulled his hand away from his eyes, taking the hot mug in hand and leaning over on an elbow to drink it. James walked over to the other side of the couch and motioned at Adam to tuck his legs in, threw in a few nonverbal grunts until he sat down—well, more like sprawled on the other half of the couch until their legs were too tangled for them to do anything about it.
Adam wondered if James remembered. If he was at all clear headed last night when he backed Adam up against the door. Said they should kiss. Judging from the way James was looking at him, it was clear that he remembered. But did he feel guilty? Did he feel like he crossed a line? Because Adam would love to cross that line. Again and again until that line didn’t matter between them. Like it never existed.
“Did you mean what you said last night?” he asked.
“Said what?” James asked and Adam didn’t know if he was being intentionally coy or not.
“You know,” Adam said, because how could James not? It hadn’t been the first time when they bumped together when drunk. They’d kissed before. Never with the both of them sober. Never in the presence of others because … because …
Why hadn’t they discussed this before?
Was this really what Bruce had dubbed as their gay chicken phase?
“Have you ever thought about dating? The two of us?”
“Oh. I was gonna say. I’ve dated before, Adam, please.”
It had Adam smiling at least.
“But I’m good with whatever you want,” James said more seriously this time.
Adam was suddenly aware of how they were laying together, skin on skin as their legs touched, Adam stripped down to his briefs because sleeping in denim was uncomfortable. Nothing really arousing about it. But just. Comfortable. Intimate. As it had always been between them.
So James moved first, pulling his legs in, sitting up a bit more and Adam soon followed. “We can try,” he said. “It’s not like we haven’t done this before.”
“We haven’t done it sober,” Adam pointed out.
“Semantics,” James said, tilted his head and leaned forward. He raised a hand, steadied himself by setting it first on Adam’s shoulder, then his neck when their lips finally met.
As first non-drunk kisses go, it could’ve been better. Adam could’ve brushed his teeth, but James had, smelling and tasting of mint. Of coffee.
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the most glamorous kiss in the world, but it was slow. Exploratory. Sensuous. And soon Adam found himself being pressed back onto the couch, laying down as James held himself up, slotting their lips together, moving in sync as they had been for years.
It was so easy, so right, so natural.
And when they finally parted, both flushed, the question came up, “Did that change anything for you?”
“If anything, I just think this means we’re officially going steady.”
A laugh. “When haven’t we?”
And then it was back to kissing, nothing more to their sleepy and slow start to the day. They brought up their hands, twisting into the fabric of their shirts, into their hair, already mussed from slip. Lips smarting and swollen, breath growing ragged. And oh, it felt so good to be this way. And to think, they could share a thousand more and it would be like this. It would always be like this.
“You think anyone will notice if we just don’t tell them?” Adam asked.
“Let’s see how long we can drag this out,” James said. “Have a little fun at their expense.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Adam cupped his cheek, kissed him one more and thought why hadn’t they done this sooner?
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Kadam Fic: Learning to Fly (2/?)
Title: Learning to Fly
Series: A New Direction (was Season Four Remix)
Pairing(s), Characters(s): Kadam, Kurt Hummel, Adam Crawford, Burt Hummel, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Carmen Tibideaux, Cassandra July, Artie Abrams, Tina Cohen-Chang, Adam’s Apples, Original Characters
Rating: PG13
Genre(s): canon divergence.
Parts: 2/?
Summary: As another school year starts at NYADA, Kurt seemed to have it all. The respect of his teachers, a group of wonderful friends and best of all, getting to live with the man that he’d come to love. So of course, the universe would throw a few curve balls in his direction
Part One
On AO3
Rachel walked out of the classroom, nearly buzzing with excitement. “Can you believe it?” she asked her friend, grabbing his arm. “Les Miz! In our school! Oh my God, Kurt! We have to audition!”
He nodded, not bothering to hide his own excitement. “How ironic is that? For us to go from singing it at Midnight Madness to actually being in a production.”
At one time the mention of her Great Defeat, as she phrased it, would have made her bristle. But now she merely accepted it as part of the steep learning curve she had to endure. “You know, if you told me last year that I’d be thrilled to be in a chorus spot, I would have suggested an appointment with my shrink,” Rachel laughed brightly. “But this is going to be such an amazing opportunity.”
Kurt smiled down at his friend. “I’m really happy that you see it that way. I really enjoyed being in the ensemble this summer and it is a great chance to really learn.”
She nodded, brushing her hair back from her face. “Well, I’m not going to lie… I always wanted to play Eponine. It’s one of my dream roles and you and I would totally be amazing doing ‘A Little Fall of Rain’, but I can understand why the upper classmen are getting those roles. They’re the ones who really need to think about finding work. They need the exposure more than we do at the moment.”
Kurt nodded, thankful that his friend was keeping her ego firmly in check. At least for now. It might be another story once they actually started work on the show and she faced the realities of being in the chorus because she was never comfortable as a supporting player. It would probably be a very good experience for her to play a background role for once, but he still knew that she would be wondering how the show would work with her playing her favored character.
As if reading his thoughts, Rachel gave him a pensive look. “I know what everyone says about me,” she admitted. “I gave myself a pretty bad rep as far as being willing to work with others. This can give me the chance to change people’s minds and help my chances in junior year when we’ll be eligible for leads.”
Kurt smiled, draping his arm about her shoulders and pulling her close so that he could press a gentle kiss to the top of her head. “You’ve come such a long way,” he praised honestly. “A few years ago, you would have stormed out of the room in a huff at the very thought of someone else getting a lead instead of you.”
She nodded, her mouth twisted into an ironic smile. “I really was a brat, wasn’t I? I mean, if the director thinks that I’d be perfect to play Eponine… which I am… I won’t say no,” she warned playfully. “But I know that I still have some repair work to do as far as my reputation goes, so I’m going to be a good sport. But do me a favor?”
“Sure,” he said readily. “What do you need?”
Rachel looked up at him frankly. “If you see me getting out of hand and starting to act like an idiot again, don’t hesitate giving me a smack down. Even if it takes another Midnight Madness beat down, I need to keep myself in check.”
Kurt could see that Rachel was seeing this as a test for herself; to see if she could control herself and he understood what a challenge it would be for her. There was only so much he could reasonably expect her to rein her competitiveness in. “I will,” he assured her. “But do me a favor? Don’t give me a reason to have to.”
“I’ll try,” she promised. “I really will. I need to do this right.”
Kurt sighed and nodded. He really hoped that it wouldn’t have to be the one to keep Rachel’s ego from flying out of control again. He had more than enough on his plate right now.
His friend’s expression brightened as she tried to turn their attention to more enjoyable matters. “Well, we need to plan our audition material, because we both at least deserve to get a solo line or two.”
* * *
“Thanks, mate,” Adam said, picking up the bills placed on the bar for him. The young man he’d been serving for the past few hours was in a good mood, having scored the phone number of the curvy blond he’d been chatting up the past half hour and that translated into a generous tip for his friendly bartender. Adam had leaned by now that people who were lucky in love tended to be very generous to the barmen who helped facilitate their conquests.
He remembered his own days when he’d go out on the pull looking for company. It had been hard when he first came to the States. He didn’t know anyone and he felt like something of an odd duck; a young gay man from England who dreamed of being the next Sir Lawrence Olivier. Reality had hit him quickly enough, when late at night he’d be struck by just how far from home he truly was. There were times when he was so lonely that cruising the local gay bars to look for temporary company was a far more appealing preference than sitting in his dorm room alone night after night. Apparently American men went mad for British accents and there were more than a few one night stands in his background.
It took him time to find his place and slowly, he began to build a circle of friends. Then the Apples came into being and over time became his substitute family in New York. He managed to have some good, albeit brief, relationships along the way but nothing that made him want to linger for too long. Not until the night that he saw a gorgeous young man taking the stage and heard a voice that would haunt him all the days of his life. He fell in love, and eventually was loved in return.
He never would have expected that his greatest reason for staying in the States would have nothing to do with his professional aspirations. Before that night, returning to England to pursue a career on the West End was an option that he’d kept open for himself. But then he met Kurt and now couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him.
So what if he was tending bar at night and serving coffee during the day? He was building his dream. Slowly, and maybe by baby steps, but he was moving forward. And he had the most spectacular, loving man at his side, urging him on when his own failings got the better of him. Kurt made him want to try harder, to push beyond the momentary disappointments. He had a reason to want success far beyond his own selfish aspirations. After all, given how ambitious Kurt was, he needed to up his game to keep up with him.
It was nearing eleven o’clock and things were starting to quiet down a bit since it was a work night. With the crowd thinning out, Adam’s boss looked over from the empty bottles that he was boxing away.
“Hey Adam… you can take off if you want,” he offered. “It’s quieting down and I can hold down the fort until closing.”
“You sure, Peter?” Adam asked. “I don’t mind staying.”
“Nah… it’s okay,” the older man insisted. He looked over the fading crowd. “I’m going to do last call in about twenty minutes and shut down. If you can drop the box off at the recycling bin it would be a huge help.”
“Sure,” Adam said agreeably. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
It would be nice to be getting home before midnight, Adam thought. Kurt had been more than tolerant with his work hours, but both of them were feeling the strain of their conflicting schedules. It was becoming rare for them to have a full day together without one of them running off, and to be frank… it was starting to wear on him.
He was about to get his jacket when the door opened and he heard the laughter and voices of a fairly large group coming into the pub. With a sigh, he turned back to the bar, knowing that there was no way that he could leave Peter to handle the late arriving group on his own. He pasted on a warm smile, valiantly hiding the disappointment about having to stay until the end of his shift. Hopefully this lot would be generous with their tips to make it worth his while.
Any disappointment faded when he recognized the noisy people coming into the bar. His Apples had apparently reached their limit with his hiding and decided that if Mohammed refused to visit the mountain then it was time to bring the mountain to Mohammad. It looked as if everyone was there… Jules, Corrine, Tommy, Jill, Mitchel… a few new faces that he didn’t recognize and assumed were new recruits who joined after his graduation.
And leading them in was his Kurt, looking a trifle bit smug and a smidge too pleased with his clever self.
“Bartender… give me a Blow Job,” Kurt requested primly, sitting down in an empty barstool.
Adam’s eyebrow cocked curiously at his boyfriend’s mischievous nature. “Seriously?” he asked, and Kurt nodded enthusiastically. With a shrug of resignation, Adam placed a shot glass down on the bar in front of Kurt. He had a feeling that he was being set up for something.
“I always want Blow Jobs from you,” Kurt cooed flirtatiously, batting his eyelashes at the older man.
Adam ignored the tittering of their friends and poured a measure of Bailey’s and Kailua into the glass, then topped it with a generous squirt of whipped cream. “Normally you’re polite enough to ask for them in private, but here you go,” Adam proclaimed, presenting the drink with a proper “Ta dah!”
The group watched in amusement as Kurt dramatically placed his hands behind his back and gave a little shimmy before leaning over the glass. Adam watched as Kurt reached out with his tongue to flick away the top of the whipped cream before opening his mouth and picking up the glass carefully with his lips. Jules was beating out a drum roll on the bar top as Kurt tossed his head back and downed the sweet concoction in one gulp before neatly placing the glass down on the bar top to the applause and cheers of their friends. He took a brief bow before turning an expectant gaze back to his boyfriend.
Adam tried to keep his mind on the fact that he was in his workplace, but the sight of Kurt licking a trace of cream from his lips with that oh so clever tongue was putting images into his head that were not at all work appropriate. Some of his old friends noticed his discomfort and quickly chimed in to increase the pressure.
“Ohhh… I want a Blow Job from Adam too!” Jill exclaimed, only to have Mitchel laugh at her.
“Girls don’t get blow jobs,” he insisted sagely. “They give them.”
“I can get a Blow Job too if I want one!” Jill insisted indignantly, pulling Tommy up to the bar. “One for Tommy too! It’ll be his first!”
“I’ll take a Blow Job,” Corrine chimed in, leaning close to Kurt. “I’m good with my mouth.”
“Which comes from having no gag reflex,” Tommy quipped, getting a jab in the ribs from Corrine’s elbow in response.
“Blow Jobs for everyone!” Jules proclaimed, loud enough that the entire bar, and quite possibly everyone within a two block radius, would hear him.
“Except for our newbies… Shirley Temples for them,” Mei interjected, to the protestations of the younger Apples who wanted to join in the fun. And score a bit of alcohol if no one was paying too much attention since they were under aged.
Adam laughed good-naturedly at their ribald humor as set out the appropriate number of shot glasses for the group. Peter came over to see what was going on and chuckled, giving Adam a warm supportive pat on the shoulder.
“Friends of yours?” he asked, highly amused at the groups antics. A bit of entertainment on a slow night was always appreciated, though having his boss witnessing his friends doing their best to embarrass him wasn’t helping matters any.
“They may not be after tonight,” Adam answered as he carefully poured portions of Bailey’s Irish Cream. He’d gotten very good at eyeballing the right amounts for drinks in the past few weeks. It was a good thing that his boss didn’t mind his friends invading the bar like this. “Apparently they feel that I need to be punished for avoiding them the past few weeks.”
“Hey guys… should we mark this as the night that Adam gave Blow Jobs to everyone in the group?” Mitchel proclaimed, causing the rest of the group to burst out laughing. The few other customers were watching Adam’s humiliation in amusement, apparently enjoying the free show.
Mei giggled, sitting down next to Kurt and leaning into him playfully. “Adam, I never knew that you were such a floozy,” she joked.
He just shook his head, knowing that he had to take his medicine. He’d brought this on himself by hiding from his friends for so long. “Yeah, that’s me… cheap and easy,” he bemoaned playfully. Taking great care, he set out the drinks for his friends. “Well, you all ordered them. Blow Jobs, courtesy of Adam Crawford. Enjoy. ”
Kurt watched in amusement as some of the group made to pick up their glasses and called out, “Not like that! You can’t use your hands. Do it the way I did.”
Adam leaned back, watching in amusement as Kurt guided the group in the fine art of downing this particular drink. The girls had no problem, making a big show about their previous oral experiences, but some of the boys lacked the dexterity to do it cleanly and he got the pleasure of laughing at their struggles. Mitchel had no problems, as he bragged about his extensive blow job expertise, but Tommy and Jules very nearly ended up spilling their drinks over themselves.
Kurt turned to Adam, his blue eyes twinkling mischievously. “Does it make me a bad person that I’m laughing at straight boys that can’t handle a Blow Job?”
Mei sat back in her seat and licked at her lips dreamily. “Mmmm… Adam does the best Blow Jobs.”
“You know that you’re running that joke into the ground, love,” Adam warned as he served up virgin drinks to the new faces in the group. The kids looked like they shouldn’t be out of middle school, but they accepted their drinks with resigned grace and thanked him. He made a mental note for Kurt to introduce him to everyone that joined since the school year began.
Kurt blinked, looking concerned that they might have gone too far. “Are you angry?” he asked carefully. “I know it’s a bit much but they all really wanted to see you and…”
Adam looked to his boyfriend, his expression softening. “It’s more than all right, sweetheart,” he insisted. “I was being a bit of a prat in avoiding them. And I was rather expecting them to press the issue at some point.”
Kurt grinned, smiling in relief. “Good. They really did miss you.”
“I promise… no more hiding,” Adam insisted, holding up two fingers to his head. “Scout’s honor.”
Kurt cocked his head. “When were you a Boy Scout?”
“Never… but shhh… don’t tell anyone.”
Kurt giggled, reaching over the bar to pull Adam close enough to kiss on the cheek. Adam felt a wave of warmth running through him, secure in the knowledge that he had friends that wouldn’t allow him to hide away and a loving partner to support him. All in all, he was very happy with his life at the moment.
“Well, come on, love,” Adam urged. “I see a few new faces here. Why don’t you introduce me to everyone?”
* * *
Madam Tibieaux nodded in approval as Kurt finished with his warm up vocal exercises. “Very nice,” she complimented. “There is definite improvement in your projection. It’s coming across much more effortlessly. I’m not seeing you telegraphing nearly so much as I did previously.”
Kurt smiled in quiet satisfaction that his skills were progressing. “I’ve been doing those exercises you showed me,” he told her. “They definitely seem to be helping.”
“Good… good,” she granted. “I’m glad that you’re finding them useful. Our voices are instruments and just like any instrument, they require constant tuning. You’ve been showing more strength and we’ve managed to clean up some of the vocal ticks that you’ve picked up over the years.”
Kurt had worked with Madam Tibideaux long enough to recognize that her compliments were as valid as her criticisms. If she was telling him that he was improving, he could take her word for it. It was still sometimes hard for him to accept a compliment after having his self-esteem left in tatters too many times, but he was getting better. As important as it was for him to know when he was doing something wrong, he also needed to know when he was doing something right. There was no place for false modesty in this room.
“I’m also seeing more warmth coming into your tone, especially in your middle and lower range,” his teacher appraised thoughtfully. “Your upper range still has the brightness that we expect in a countertenor, but I dare think that you could certainly handle a singing role that requires a lyric or dramatic tenor at this point.”
Kurt nodded. “That’s good to know, because I know that there aren’t a lot of musical theater roles written specifically for a countertenor. I’m going to have to take tenor roles if I want to work.”
The dean had to grant him that. “That’s true. Your voice is very unique so we’re rather in a position of developing it to suit the roles that you will realistically be seeking while at the same time training its specific qualities. Unfortunately we don’t have the luxury of knowing that there is a surplus of countertenor roles available in conventional theater. Now if we were preparing you for an opera career that would be another story.”
It wasn’t anything Kurt wasn’t already well aware of. Most parts were not written with a voice like his in mind. Unless he resigned himself to waiting for the producers to gender switch some traditionally female roles just for him, he had to develop his voice to be strong and elastic enough to handle more conventional tenor parts. Maybe one day someone would write a part with his voice in mind, but for the time being he would have to make his square peg fit into a round hole.
“Fortunately your voice is flexible enough that we can train it to take advantage of a wide range of roles and as you mature, and your voice continues to mature,” Madam Tibideaux assured him. “Speaking of roles… you are planning to audition for the spring musical, correct? Because it would be a shame to deny yourself the opportunity.”
“I was definitely planning on it,” Kurt assured her. “I’m just trying to figure out how it’s going to work with my schedule right now. Between the extra classes and my job… it’s going to be a lot.”
“I’m surprised to see hesitation from you,” Madam Tibideaux stated with a sly glint in her eyes. “After all, you have such an affinity for this particular musical.”
Kurt tried not to laugh. At this point it shouldn’t come as any real surprise that the entire faculty was probably well aware of Midnight Madness?
“You are one of the few students that I’m totally confident can handle the extra work without it affecting your overall development,” his teacher insisted. “I’ve seen how organized you are and you never fail to put in extra work when necessary. This would be an excellent addition to your CV.
“And just between us… you are one of several students that Professor Carmody hopes will join in,” Madam Tibideaux confided. “She really is going to need everyone that she can get, and you would be more than just a warm body helping to fill the stage.”
Kurt felt his cheeks warm a bit at the praise and wondered when being wanted for something would cease to always be such a surprise to him.“I shouldn’t disappoint her then. Do you have any suggestions for my audition?”
The dean sat back in her seat and gazed at him thoughtfully. “What you did for your critique last semester… that was probably some of your finest singing and you showed the range of characters that you can easily play. I know that you wanted to show me something unexpected, and I was very pleasantly surprised with how convincing you were with each piece of material. And I think that your experience this past summer will serve you very well.
“This musical requires a specific style of singing that I am confident falls well within your abilities. It’s dramatic, but you have to approach it the same way you would an opera. There’s no written dialogue to support the emotion if it’s not coming out in your voice, but that’s not something that’s ever been a problem for you. Use that ability to your advantage,” Madam Tibideaux advised. “She knows that you can sing. Show her that you can act as well and be able to actually embody a character. There are going to be places for people to just stand around in the background and fill space on the stage, but I expect more from you. And so do you, I believe.”
Kurt nodded in understanding. He knew what he needed to do. “Thank you, Madam.”
Her dark eyes shined warmly behind her glasses. “You are more than welcome, Mr. Hummel. Now let’s put you through your paces. We have a lot more to focus on than just this one performance opportunity. I’d like to see what you do with ‘Le Jazz Hot’ now.”
Kurt smiled, glad that she had chosen one of his favorites that really took advantage of his entire range. He took a sip of water to lubricate his throat and let his mind focus on the much loved and familiar material.
“About twenty years ago… way down in New Orleans…”
* * *
With Adam’s work schedule and Kurt’s classes and commitment to Vogue.Com, Sundays were usually the only days where they got to spend the entire day together. It was a chance to sleep in and recover, to reconnect and find something fun and relaxing to do.
This morning found them lazing in bed, reluctant to leave their warm nest. They were curled about one another like a pair of cats, naked skin pressed close. They made love slowly, taking their time to enjoy one another’s bodies and renew the bond that they shared. Later on, if they could be bothered to drag themselves out of bed, they might go to their favorite local café for brunch. But for now, they just wanted to savor being together.
Kurt sighed happily, his head resting on Adam’s chest so that he could listen to his lover’s strong heartbeat. He felt Adam’s broad hands stroking up and down the length of his body while the older man’s strong arms cradled him in a warm embrace. He felt sheltered and secured and would have been happy to remain in that exact spot for the rest of his life.
“Mmmm… I could stay here forever,” he said softly, closing his eyes. He felt Adam’s arms tighten about him, holding him even closer if that was possible. The light scattering of dark blond hair on the Englishman’s chest tickled Kurt’s cheek as he rubbed his face against Adam’s chest.
“The thought is very appealing,” Adam answered back, his accent thick in Kurt’s ear. “Though we would have to make allowances for food and bathroom breaks.”
“And the occasional shower,” Kurt added. “We’ll have to leave the apartment once in awhile for groceries.”
Adam pouted teasingly. “I hate it when practicalities get in the way of an utterly fantastic promise of non-stop leisure and debauchery.”
Kurt turned his eyes up to gaze at Adam, giving him a teasing smile. “Well, you can debauch me any time you want in between school, cooking, shopping and laundry.”
“And don’t think I won’t take advantage of that,” Adam promised. His eyes softened as he gazed at the man in his arm. “I love you.”
Kurt’s smile grew tender. “I love you too,” he said softly.
Adam’s ears picked up a low gurgle coming from Kurt’s body, as his stomach was making it clear that the periodic need for food was not merely theoretical. Adam chuckled at the flush on mild embarrassment that started on Kurt’s cheeks, but quickly could be traced down his chest.
Taking pity on the younger man, Adam kissed him lightly. “Why don’t we hop into the shower and wash up. Then we can head out for brunch. I’m getting a bit peckish.”
Kurt nodded, thankful for his boyfriend’s consideration. “That sounds like a perfect idea. If you care to join me, I’ll start the shower.”
“We’d better keep it to just showering, otherwise we’ll never get out until it’s time for dinner,” Adam warned. “Not that I would mind that so much, but I fear that you’d just waste away from hunger.”
“So considerate,” Kurt cooed and kissed him on the lips. “I promise to keep our mutual shower activities strictly for cleaning up so we can go eat.”
Kurt slipped from his arms and rose from the bed to give a long stretch and work out any aches. Adam sat back against the pillows, eyeing the younger man’s body with admiration, still feeling the thrill that he got to see and enjoy that gorgeous body whenever he wished to. Not that Kurt’s beautiful form was the only thing that interested him. Not by a long shot. His spirit and mind were even more engaging, endlessly fascinating him. He watched as Kurt walked into the small bathroom to get the water running, smiling to himself. He really did have a wonderful life and it was hard to be discouraged in Kurt’s company.
Kurt turned on the shower, knowing that it would take a few minutes for the hot water to kick in. One thing that they would have to consider when they were looking for a larger place was a better bathroom, Kurt thought to himself as he brushed his teeth. They really did need more space. Adam joined him at the sink, the two of them at ease with one another in the tight quarters as they went about their morning rituals.
They decided on brunch at a café that was walking distance from their apartment that had become a favorite of Adam’s in the past few weeks. It was still fairly warm and Kurt smiled tolerantly as Adam perused the menu, knowing already what his lover would be ordering.
“I don’t know why you bother with the menu,” he chuckled as their usual waitress poured coffee for them. “You get the same thing every time.”
Adam’s nose wrinkled indignantly at his boyfriend’s teasing. “I don’t get it every time,” he protested mildly. “And they might have an interesting special today.”
Kurt poured cream and added a packet of sugar into his coffee. “You’ve ordered it the past three weeks in a row,” he pointed out, amused at his boyfriend’s habits. “And the one time you ordered something else, you kept going on about how you should have ordered the chicken and waffles instead.”
Adam’s cheeks blushed as he placed the menu down. “But it’s so good,” he insisted. “I mean, fried chicken and a waffle? It’s just the most amazing thing and we never see anything like that in England.”
Kurt just rolled his eyes and turned to his own menu, trying to decide if he wanted to be healthy or indulge himself. He usually tried to watch what he ate because he was proud of his toned body and he managed to avoid having Ms. July making critical comments about his weight, but he knew that the scents of Adam’s usual order would only stimulate his appetite and an egg white omelet just wasn’t going to cut it. And he’d been working hard. He deserved a bit of a treat.
Once they placed their orders, Kurt having finally decided on French toast with a side of turkey bacon, they could focus on just being together. There would be no talk about Adam’s employment situation, because that would only be more stressful to the older man, who Kurt knew was trying his hardest to keep his spirits up. Instead they talked about plans for their lives together.
“So Rachel was telling me that she and the roomies decided against doing a big Halloween party since there will be parties at NYADA and NYU that we’ll be hitting,” Kurt advised. “We also have the party at Vogue. You are coming with me, right?”
Adam nodded, sipping at his coffee. “Like I would ever want to stay away from that. You still haven’t told me what you’ve got in mind for costumes.”
Kurt gave him a sly smirk. “You’ll find out when I’m dressing you,” he warned. “I’m raiding the NYADA costume shop, with my teacher’s blessing of course. I think that you’re going to like what I have in mind.”
“I trust you,” Adam said approvingly. “I’m sure that you’re planning something truly grand.”
Kurt couldn’t help from grinning widely. “Well, I am warning you… I intend to win every costume contest,” Kurt pronounced firmly. “So you’d better be prepared to play your part and stay in character.”
Adam couldn’t help from laughing at Kurt’s excitement. “It would be helpful if you gave me some notice about my role so I could properly prepare.”
“Hush, you’ll be fine. And Dad was asking if we plan to come to Lima for Thanksgiving. I didn’t want to commit until I checked with you, but he said that it’s no big deal if we can’t. Finn’s not going to be going back and they can do something in Washington.”
Adam considered the question and looked at his lover frankly. “If you wouldn’t mind terribly, I’d very much like to do the holiday here. It will be our first holiday together. Living together, I mean,” he explained. “It just means a lot to me.”
Kurt’s eyes softened and he couldn’t resist reaching out to take Adam’s hand in his. This was an important part of building a life together, setting their own traditions as a couple. As a family.
“I think that sounds perfect,” he insisted gently. “And maybe next year we can invite them to spend the holiday with us. If we have a bigger place, I mean.”
Adam’s sunny grin caused Kurt’s heart to do a little somersault in his chest and again he marveled that this lovely, gentle man was really his. That of all the men in New York, Adam had chosen him to be with. And wanted to stay with him. Despite the months that they had been together and his confidence in the sincerity of Adam’s feelings, it still caused him to marvel.
Their orders arrived and Kurt couldn’t help grinning at the nearly child-like delight on Adam’s face as a golden waffle topped with two pieces of fried chicken was placed in front of him. The Englishman’s eyes brightened at the sight of his breakfast and immediately slathered the waffle with softened butter and poured on a generous portion of warm maple syrup over the entire thing.
“Mmmm….” he groaned, savoring the sweet and savory taste. “You don’t know what you’re missing, love.”
Kurt used a more measured portion of syrup and butter on his own breakfast and turned a raised eyebrow at his boyfriend’s display. “I know what I’m missing… a triple bypass in my future.”
Adam smiled tolerantly, knowing not to tease Kurt about something like that. He full well that Kurt had concerns over his family medical history and tried to take care of himself as best he possibly could. He knew that he would never see his lover smoke, drink too much or eat fattening foods in excess. After the health scares that his father had endured in recent years, it was not something that Adam would ever make light of.
“In the meantime… I know that we have some time before your lease is up but I was thinking that we should at least start window shopping for a new place,” Kurt suggested as he delicately nibbled on his turkey bacon. “Just to get a sense of what’s out there and what we can afford at this point.”
Adam nodded. “We’ll have to base our finances on what we’re earning now,” he reminded Kurt. “Not what I may or may not be earning once I find an acting job. It’ll probably mean tightening out belts a little bit for the foreseeable future.”
Kurt couldn’t help from smiling at Adam’s down to earth practicality. “Of course,” he agreed readily. “I’ll keep my flights of fancy under control. No penthouses or marble bathrooms. Though I would like to avoid a basement apartment if at all possible.”
He took a bite of his French toast and mused, “It would be nice if there were any vacancies in our building. I really love the neighborhood and it’s convenient to everything.”
“We can talk to the landlord and see if there is anything due to open up around the time we need to move. They might even let us transfer our first and last month deposits, which would be very helpful.”
The idea was an appealing one if anyone was moving out of any of the one bedroom flats, Adam thought. He’d been a good tenant the past two years and always paid his rent on time. Their landlord might be willing to work with them to free up the less expensive studio which would be more likely to rent out quickly.
“In the meantime, I’ll keep an eye on the listings to see if anything interesting comes up,” the younger man decided. “It’ll be nice to have a bit more space. And for us to really have a place of our own.”
Adam knew exactly what Kurt meant. The studio flat wasn’t large enough for the younger man to really put his own mark on it the way Adam had over the years and despite having lived there full time for several weeks, it didn’t feel completely like their shared apartment. Many of Kurt’s things that had previously decorated the loft were in storage because they just didn’t have the space. He could easily understand Kurt feeling at times like a guest on an extended stay and he wanted to remedy that.
They finished their breakfasts and were lingering over cup coffee when Kurt got a text on his phone. “It’s Rachel,” he informed Adam. “She wanted to know if we were still on for Monday night for dinner with the group.”
“I’m going to be working,” Adam said regretfully. “I’ll check with Peter to see what time he needs me to start, but I’ll try to at least come for a little bit before having to leave.”
Kurt nodded, fighting down the sense of disappointment. It sometimes felt like he and Adam were leading separate lives more often than not lately. But that wasn’t Adam’s fault. It was just the demands of their individual schedules at the moment.
“I have an idea,” Adam proclaimed as he finished his coffee. “Why don’t we head over to the High Line and enjoy the day? We can go out to diner at that Mexican restaurant you like.”
He took Kurt’s hand in his, looking into Kurt’s eyes. “I miss our time together and I just want to be with you today with nothing to distract us.”
Kurt smiled, squeezing Adam’s hand. He knew that his lover was feeling the strain of their parallel lives as much as he was and he was trying to make things better.
“We’re still trying to find out balance,” Kurt surmised. “Both of us have so much on our plates right now. We’ve got to grab what time we can.”
Adam’s blue eyes softened at Kurt’s words, thankful that his lover was mature well beyond his years in matters such as this and that he wouldn’t make demands that Adam was unable to meet. “Then let’s get going,” he urged. “I want ever second with you that I can manage.”
* * *
Kurt settled on the sofa in the loft, feeling a bit bereft after Adam departed for work. The Englishman was working hard and the last thing Kurt wanted to do was behave like a spoiled child because his boyfriend wasn’t able to spend the evening with them. Adam had lingered as long as he could, but he really need to get to work and made an apologetic early exit.
Kurt had seen him to the door and made him promise to make sure that he ate something for dinner before sending him off with a kiss. His friends granted them a bit of privacy to make his goodbyes before quickly enfolding him back in the comfortable relations that Kurt had seen develop in the past weeks. It was pretty remarkable just how much better he got along with most of them since they didn’t exist in one another’s back pockets all the time.
Santana quickly took his arm and pulled him close, claiming possession. “No complaints from you, Berry,” she warned, giving her roommate a playful look of reproach. “You get him all the time at school.”
“Right,” Tina agreed, settling down on the other side and claimed his other arm. “We miss him.”
“I wasn’t saying anything!” Rachel insisted, her lips drawn into an amused grin at her friends’ antics.
Artie watched from his wheelchair as his girlfriend and Santana were in a competition to see who could snuggle closest to Kurt, laughing at their antics. “Hey, I’m free over here,” he reminded Tina. “No fighting necessary.”
“I can have you whenever I want,” Tina proclaimed loftily, sticking out her tongue at her boyfriend. “I need some Kurt time.”
Kurt couldn’t help from laughing as the two young women playfully tried to haul him in their directions and gently pulled his arms free from their grasps, least they spent all night playing tug of war with him as the role. “Let’s order dinner,” he suggested. “I’m starving.”
Rachel went to the kitchen drawer where they had always kept the take out menus and pulled out the neat stack. “How about Indian?” she suggested.
“We’ve eaten Indian three times in the past two weeks,” Santana reminded her, resting her head on Kurt’s shoulder. “The fridge is starting to smell like an incense factory.”
“I’m okay with Chinese,” Kurt suggested. “Or Italian.”
“How about that Turkish place that just opened?” Artie asked. “We’ve been wanting to try them.”
Rachel nodded. “That sounds good.”
Once their orders were placed, Kurt focused on catching up with everyone. “So how’s school going for you two?” he asked Artie and Tina. “Is it what you were looking for?”
Artie grinned and nodded emphatically. “It’s amazing,” he claimed. “It’s only a few weeks, but it’s like a whole world opened up to me. No one cares about me being in a chair. All they care about is my mind and what I can create. With modern filmmaking technology, my chair isn’t a factor at all. It’s pretty mindboggling.
“And the women… It’s a good thing that I’ve got Tina back because I could be getting into so much trouble.” He gave his girlfriend a loving smile.
Tina blew him a kiss. “Well, NYU is fantastic. There are so many talented people there but the teachers really give us plenty of chances to prove ourselves. No offense Rachel, but it’s a nice change from high school.”
Rachel just smiled and nodded. “You don’t have to tell me that things weren’t fair to any of you. I know that I really used that unfairly.”
“Argh… enough with the martyr act, Berry,” Santana sniped. “We get it. You changed.”
Kurt gave a playful swat to her thigh, a warning to play nice.
“Anyway, my acting professor is a total riot,” Tina continued. “Las week he had us spend an entire class pretending to be toddlers. It was hysterical.”
“What is it about first year acting teachers and make us do these crazy things?” Rachel demanded. “Ours had a thing for traumatic toilet training experiences.”
Santana cackled at their woes. “You’re making me very glad that I’m not in school now. It was bad enough with Coach Sylvester wanting to inspect our shits to make sure we got enough fiber.”
Kurt laughed, but couldn’t help from shuddering at the memory of how… invasive… Sue Sylvester could be. He never forgot the time that she wanted to personally inspect him to make sure that he was wearing a properly supportive undergarment before a competition. He’d been so mortified that he completely tuned out her rant about not wanting responsibility for accidentally ending the Hummel linage if he hurt himself doing a back handspring.
“Ah, high school,” Kurt sighed mockingly. He raised his glass to his friends. “Here’s to us… we survived it.”
“Here here,” Artie agreed. The group clinked glasses, celebrating having endured the unendurable.
Rachel checked her watch. “Well, dinner should be ready shortly. Ladies, want to come with me to pick it up?”
“We’ll get the table set,” Kurt offered. “I’m assuming that everything is still where it was before.”
Rachel nodded and kissed him on the cheek. “We won’t be long.”
Artie followed Kurt into the kitchen. “Let me help,” he insisted. Kurt smiled and took a stack of mismatched dishes from the cabinet and handed them to the younger man who balanced them carefully in his lap. Artie wheeled himself back to the dining room, Kurt following with glasses and silverware.
As they set the table, Artie looked up at his old friend. “I’m glad that the girls left for a little bit,” he said as he placed the plates around the table. “We really haven’t had much of a chance to see each other sine school started and I kind of wanted to talk to you.”
Kurt caught the hint of nervous hesitation in the other boy’s voice and wondered what had him so anxious. “Sure,” he said agreeably. “What’s on your mind? Something with school?”
Artie sighed. “Kind of. Do… do you think you could sit down?” he asked. “It’s kind of hard to get this out when you’re walking around.
“Okay.” Kurt pulled out one of the dining room chairs and sat down to face Artie. “What’s going on?”
The younger man looked a bit uncertain as he nudged his chair closer to Kurt. “I… this is really hard for me, but I really owe you a huge apology for how I treated you.”
Kurt cocked his head. “What for? I thought we were getting along pretty well.”
Artie nodded. “We are now, but things haven’t been the same between us since before you left for New York. During your senior year, you started pulling back and there was this barrier between us that never quite went away. This is actually something I should have apologized for a long time ago.”
Kurt didn’t say anything, giving the other boy room to get his thoughts on order and to speak.
The younger man sighed deeply, clearly forcing himself to face Kurt and give his friend what he was owed. “You see, in one of my classes we were talking about how prejudices affect casting choices,” he explained. “You know. that you think that only a certain type should play a character and that it can blind you other actors might be capable of. And it got me thinking about how we all treated you during the West Side Story auditions.”
Kurt’s eyes darkened slightly at the memory of Artie and the others laughing at him, but he quickly pushed that memory aside. “Artie, it was a long time ago. It’s okay. I’m over it.”
“No, it’s not okay,” Artie insisted. “Kurt, you’re my friend. I’ve known you for years and for that alone, what I did was reprehensible. And as a director, it was unprofessional. You didn’t deserve me laughing at you like that, or just rejecting you from consideration.” Artie’s hands folded in his lap, betraying the deep sense of shame he felt. “I know what it’s like to be dismissed out of hand because you don’t meet someone’s expectations and I’m really ashamed that I turned around and did it to someone else.”
“Artie, it’s okay,” Kurt assured him, not wanting to acknowledge the hurt that he still felt over the incident. “Why bring it up now?”
“Because I was wrong,” Artie said. His cheeks burned red with embarrassment when he thought about his past behavior. “In my class, we talked about what to look for when casting parts and how it’s so easy to get caught up in looking for an actor who fits the part as you see it rather than finding someone that would bring something new. And it got me thinking about why we cast Blaine instead of you.”
“Blaine was the ideal Tony,” Kurt reminded him. “I couldn’t have played him that way.”
“No, you wouldn’t have. And that’s the point,” Artie insisted. “Blaine played Tony the way anyone who ever watched West Side Story before would expect. There was nothing particularly different or interesting that would make his performance stand apart from ninety nine percent of other renditions. And as a director, I should be trying to make my works stand out. We did the same thing with Maria, casting the predictable actress instead of one that would stand out and challenge impressions of that character. Now I love Rachel, but she’s not especially imaginative in how she approaches a character. So between the two of them we had predictable casting and had a good, but predictable production.
“I know how talented you are,” Artie insisted. “You have a much broader vocal range than Blaine and I know that you are a better dancer and actor. You could have brought something interesting and exciting to the role. But I couldn’t look past you… the guy that I’ve known for years… to see how you’d play the character. And that’s on me, as a director. I wasn’t watching your audition and seeing how the talent you were showing would make Tony click. I just saw you. And it proves just was a rank amateur I was.”
He looked up at Kurt, the remorse clear in his eyes. “For whatever it’s worth, Kurt, I am so sorry. I didn’t give you a fair shot. Or Mercedes either. Looking back now, I would have loved to see how the two of you would have played those characters. Maybe then it would have been more than a typical school show. And it might have been something that I could look back on a lot more proudly.”
Kurt didn’t say anything at first. He didn’t want to think that getting rejected from a high school play would still sting after all this time. Still, having Artie apologize, even nearly two years after the fact was gratifying.
He had managed to let go of a lot of the lingering anger and hurts left over from the injustices he’d endured. In the months since, he’d grown beyond the limitations he’d been forced to operate under. He could see how sincere Artie was with his apology and there was no point in holding on to these old angers over how he’d been treated.
Taking pity on the younger man, Kurt reached out and grasped his arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Arte, I’m not going to lie. You really hurt me back then. We were friends, but the way you laughed at me…”
He sighed, steeling his resolve. “I’ve had a lot of time to move past that and there’s no real point of hanging onto hard feelings. It wasn’t the first time I got rejected for a part and it’s sure as hell not going to be the last. You said that you’re sorry and I’m taking you at your word. Just promise me one thing.”
“Anything,” Artie insisted, looking hopeful for the first time since he’d initiated such a difficult conversation.
Kurt’ pursed his mouth thoughtfully. “Someday you’re going to be a famous director and you’re going to be picking actors for parts. Just promise me that you’ll give anyone who tries a fair shot. And that you’ll treat them with more respect than you showed me.”
Behind Artie’s glasses, Kurt could see the tears beginning to well. The younger man nodded, wiping behind his glasses. “I will. I promise. But I hope that one day I can convince you to be in one of my projects, because I promise that you’ll get a much better reception.”
Kurt finally allowed a smile to cross his face and nodded. “Most definitely. Because I think that you’re going to be an amazing director someday.”
Artie smiled thankfully that his old friend was forgiving the grievous insult he’d been paid with a lot more kindness than most would, knowing that he was fortunate to have a friend like Kurt. “I’m glad,” he said gratefully. “Because I may just be writing a few parts with you in mind.”
“Well, I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with,” Kurt chuckled. He inhaled deeply and looked about the room to break the tension. “We’d better finish setting up. The girls should be back soon.”
They hustled about, getting the table set, Kurt placing out glasses with ice and a few bottles of sparkling water. The girls arrived back, laugher shared between them as they carried the takeout bags into the loft. “We’ve got food!” Rachel proclaimed.
“Great!” Artie answered, letting Tina settle on his lap as he wheeled her into the dining room. “Let’s eat. I’m starving.” He glanced to Kurt for a bit of masculine confirmation and Kurt couldn’t him from smiling back and nodding.
“I could eat,” he affirmed.
Rachel began to unpack the packages of food and place them on the table. “You should have come with us, Kurt. It was hysterical watching the guy ringing us up at the restaurant flirting with Santana, and totally clueless that she wasn’t at all interested.”
“He was cute, though,” Tina inserted, fighting back a giggle.
“I am going to give Santana credit, though,” Rachel continued, giving her roommate a teasing smile. “She didn’t verbally eviscerate him the way I was expecting. It was kind of sweet in the way she let him down.”
Santana just shrugged as she dipped a piece of bread into the hummus as popped it into her mouth. “He wasn’t trying to be a jerk,” she pointed out. “If he had less in the way of dick and more in the way of boob….”
Kurt didn’t say anything, but he took this as more evidence of how all of them were changing. Santana would never truly be a soft and tender person but since she had shed much of the venom that she had used to protect herself, her barbs and fire had become part of her charm.
Rachel opened up a dish of assorted mezze and took some stuffed grape leaves before passing the package about. “Well, this week will certainly have some exciting things for all of us. Kurt and I have our auditions for Les Miz…”
“Which means that we’re going to be subjected to more of Berry’s six in the morning caterwauling that she refers to as practice,” Santana snarked. “I, on the other hand, will be now performing in prime Friday and Saturday night slots at the piano bar. Apparently I now have a following.”
“At least the right kind of following this time,” Kurt teased, giving her a fond smile. She made a swat at his head, but like most of her tactics as of late, it was more for show than anything else. He didn’t miss the glint of humor in her eyes.
He was grateful to have these friends in his life, and was thankful that they were all managing to grow beyond what they were in Ohio. Kurt didn’t know what the future was going to hold for all of them or what additional changes they’d undergo, but he was looking forward to seeing it.
* * *
Adam was in the middle of his shift at the café when his cell phone vibrated in his pocket. After placing the order he was serving in front of his customers, he paused to see if they needed anything before having a chance to surreptitiously checking to see who had called. Seeing that it was his agent trying to reach him, Adam looked up.
“Angie, can you cover for me for a bit?” he asked one of the other wait staff. “I need to take five.”
“Sure thing, hon,” the older woman said agreeably.
“Thanks love,” he said gratefully. “I’ll be quick.”
Ducking into the back area by the kitchen door, he called the office back and thankfully his agent wasn’t already on another call. “Adam, thanks for calling me back so quickly,” Mr. Reagan told him.
“Not a problem,” Adam said assuredly. “I wasn’t sure if it was something important. Do you have some more auditions lined up for me?”
“I’ve got something better. I just got a call from Dustan Colton’s office and I’ve got some good news for you.”
Adam nearly dropped his phone in shock, and it took a second for his brain to stop mentally screaming enough for him to shakily ask for the details. As he listened to his agent’s cheerful voice, his spirit careened from jubilation to devasation when it truly dawned on him what this would mean.
How as he going to tell Kurt?
* * *
Kurt stepped out of the bathroom, tying the belt of his robe about his waist. His freshly washed hair was being given a chance to air dry a little bit before styling in order to have it look its best. He’d already shaved and moisturized and had used his morning preparation as the opportunity to mentally run through his audition material a few times. He was pretty confident with his choices and thought that he would make a good showing.
Adam was taking breakfast out of the oven and Kurt was surprised to see that Adam had baked his famous cinnamon rolls. “What’s this?” he asked, stepping into the tiny area that constituted their kitchen. The whole place smelled of warm cinnamon and sugar.
Adam looked down at his lover, his blue eyes crinkling as he smiled. “I thought that you deserved a little treat before your big audition today. So I baked my ‘good luck’ buns.”
Kurt felt his stomach do a little back flip at seeing that loving smile directed at him. “Oh honey, you didn’t have to go through so much trouble!” he protested. “You work so hard and…”
“It was no trouble at all,” Adam insisted, giving Kurt a quick peck on the nose. “I put the dough up yesterday so it would be ready to pop into the oven this morning.”
Kurt felt himself quiver a bit at the casual consideration that Adam always showed for the least thing that Kurt had on his agenda. Despite working until late the night before, he still woke up early to give Kurt a proper send off and a bit of pampering. “But I don’t do things like this for you,” he said softly, suddenly feeling a bit ashamed at not being as supportive of his lover. “You go to auditions nearly every day and…”
Adam quickly cut off his protestations with a kiss. “Darling, you have no idea how much you do for me,” he claimed with as much conviction as he could muster. “Every day for the past few months, you’ve been so totally supportive of me and urging me on. When I started to get down about not finding work so quickly, you’ve been the one to encourage me. You keep me optimistic and remind me that I’ve got so much more in my life than just my aspirations.”
He gently stroked Kurt’s cheek, savoring the feel of that soft skin against his hand. “So if I can do little things like this that put a smile on your face before you go to your audition, then that is the very least that I can do.”
Kurt felt his heart flutter at Adam’s pronouncement and all but threw himself into his lover’s arms, kissing him deeply. “God, I love you,” he said against Adam’s lips.
Adam looked down him with a gentle, wistful expression. “I love you too, darling. Never think that I don’t.”
“Now come on,” Adam urged, nudging Kurt towards the table. “Let’s get some breakfast into you so you can show them all what a star you are.”
Kurt watched in bemusement as Adam poured coffee for the both of them and set out a plate of fresh fruit. The warm buns smelled absolutely delicious and for once, Kurt wasn’t going to worry about his waistline. He took a bite of the pastry that Adam had served him and closed his eyes to savor the sweet taste.
“Mmmm… you are the absolute best,” Kurt praised, licking glaze off his fingers. He looked over to his boyfriend, who was watching him eat with an intensity that made him a bit nervous. “Babe? Are you okay?”
“Oh, yes,” Adam insisted. A bit too quickly for Kurt to see as being totally sincere. As if to distract Kurt, he took a bite of his own breakfast.
Kurt felt his eyes narrow a bit. “You sure?” he asked. “You’re acting a little funny.”
Adam nodded, swallowing a bite of sweet bun and gave Kurt a loving smile. “It’s fine, sweetheart,” he insisted softly. “I just was thinking about how good we have things that it feels almost selfish wanting more.”
Kurt’s gaze softened with the love that he felt for this lovely man seated beside him. He couldn’t resist reaching out to touch his face, feeling the contrast of skin and rough beard against his fingers. So many wonderful contradictions in the man that he loved; that he was so strong and yet so gentle too. Intelligent and talented, but sensitive to the needs of others. Kurt didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this amazing man in his life, but he would never take it for granted.
“You deserve everything,” Kurt stated firmly, not wanting Adam to slip into another of his moods. “I wish that I could give that to you.”
Adam turned his face enough to kiss Kurt’s hand, closing his eyes. “You are everything I could ever want, sweetheart,” Adam promised. “Anything else I get… that’s just a bonus.”
Kurt couldn’t resist kissing him again. “Mmm… I think that cinnamon roll-flavored Adam has something going to it,” he flirted.
Adam couldn’t help from chuckling as he placed another pastry on Kurt’s plate. “Go on, you tease. Finish your breakfast. You’ve got a big day ahead of you.”
Kurt grinned and took a healthy bite.
An hour later, Adam saw him to the door. Kurt had been well fed, caffeinated and dressed and given the remaining pastries in a bag to take along for snacking and sharing. Adam had no doubt that he would make a good showing at his audition. “Good luck, sweetheart,” he urged, kissing Kurt for luck. “I know that you’ll do splendidly.”
“I’ll call you later to let you know how it went,” Kurt promised. “You have a good day.”
“I will, love,” Adam promised. He handed Kurt his bag and kissed him again before closing the door.
He heard Kurt walk down to hall, humming to himself and couldn’t help from smiling. His love’s spirit was certainly infectious. Moving to clean up from breakfast, Adam felt his spirit begin to drop as he contemplated what he’d avoided blurting out to Kurt. He knew that his lover needed to be told about his agent’s call, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it just yet. Not with Kurt having an audition of his own.
He knew that hiding this wasn’t fair to Kurt, because this decision affected his lover as well. It was such a huge choice and Adam was fortunate that he was being given a little time to weigh out his options before having to make a final decision. But he didn’t have forever and the longer he put it off, the harder it would be.
Tonight, he resolved. He would tell Kurt tonight and they would discuss their options as a couple. He just hoped that this opportunity wouldn’t derail everything that they had planned. The last thing he ever wanted to do was cause Kurt harm.
* * *
Rachel entered the west auditorium, somehow both excited and at peace about her audition. Without having a lead role at stake, it was much easier to relax and just focus. At the very least she would have a place in the chorus, which was more than fine with her. She wanted to approach this as Kurt would; a chance to learn and begin to build her professional reputation.
And in her case, do a bit of repair work. No one needed to remind her that she wasn’t exactly known for playing nicely with others and that she needed to change peoples’ minds about her conduct. She was well aware that while her talent made her valuable, she wasn’t indispensible. Not with so many other talented performers that she would be competing with.
She saw the rest of her voice class sitting together and walked over to join them. “Is there room for one more?” she asked, hoping that they wouldn’t say no.
Katya looked up and smiled. “Sure. We were just exchanging wild theories about how this was all going to play out. I don’t think NYADA’s ever staged a production this big.”
Jamie nodded in agreement. “I’m guessing that someone wants to prove that they’ve got the biggest dick in the room.”
Rachel couldn’t help from chuckling. “Frankly that wouldn’t surprise me at all. Theater people are nothing if we’re not competitive. It does look like someone is nursing a bit of a sore ego. If there’s anyone who would recognize that, it’s me.”
The others laughed, but it was good natured humor. Analisa looked about the room, not seeing her favorite duet partner. “Kurt is auditioning, isn’t he? I don’t see him.”
Rachel nodded reassuringly. “Don’t worry, he’ll be here. He might have gotten distracted by Adam.”
Jamie nodded, a teasing glint in his eyes. “I’m not surprised that they’re basically inviting nearly everyone in the school to participate,” he said. “Do you know how many seniors there actually are in the voice program right now?”
Rachel shook her head. She doubted it would be that many since it was expected that at least a few would drop out or get cut along the way. There own class had several withdraw.
“Only eleven.”
Analisa whistled in surprise. “That few? Wow.”
“And not all of them are able to participate. I heard that a few were either currently working or committed to a show outside of school around the time that we’re supposed to stage our show. And the junior class isn’t so much better at the moment,” Jamie explained. “I talked to one of the seniors and Professor Carmody is dragging everyone possible in to fill out the cast.”
“Well, I don’t know about you all, but I’m thrilled that we have this chance,” Rachel insisted. “Even if we’re just chorus, it’s still going to be exciting to be in a production like this.”
Katya nodded in agreement. “We play this right and we can really build some good will for next year when we will be eligible for leads.”
Rachel was glad that she wasn’t the only one being practical here, though she was glad that she wasn’t the one who said it. But proving themselves to be good team players would be vital to cementing solid performing reputations that will carry over to their professional careers.
Jamie looked about the auditorium and spotting their missing classmate. “There’s Kurt. He’s over there talking to some people.”
Rachel turned and spotted him standing with some of the Apples who had apparently decided to audition themselves. She gave a wave to get his attention and he smiled and waved back and motioned for her to come over. She hesitated for a second, not sure of the reception she’d get from Kurt’s friends. While she’d seen a few of them once of twice since Adam’s party last year, she couldn’t call them her friends. More like watchful acquaintances who wouldn’t hesitate to make her miserable of she went against Kurt again.
“Hey Rachel,” Corrine greeted as she came over. “This is exciting, huh?”
“I wasn’t sure how many of you were going to audition,” Rachel answered, letting Kurt take her hand and pull her closer. “I should have known better since you all do love singing.”
Mei shrugged. “It’s a good credit to get. And with the size of the cast that it looks like they’re aiming for, one of two iffy singers aren’t going to stand out.”
“Well, I can’t wait to see what all of you have up your sleeves,” Rachel insisted, smiling warmly. “I’m just glad to have some friendly faces around here. It’s a big difference from my last audition.”
Jules cocked his head thoughtfully. “Thanks, Rachel. You know… if you ever wanted to join in on of our sessions, we wouldn’t mind. I know that you probably don’t have a lot of time, but if you can, feel free to stop by.”
Rachel blinked, genuinely surprised by the invitation. She looked to the group and saw that most of them were nodding in agreement and Kurt had a quiet smile on his face.
“Thank you,” she said sincerely. “I’ll check with Kurt to see when you meet next and I’ll definitely try to make it.”
“I’ll see you all afterwards,” Kurt advised the group, placing his arm about Rachel’s shoulders. They walked back to join the rest of their voice class where Kurt was warmly greeted by their peers.
After taking their seats, Professor Carmody stepped onto the stage and approached the microphone waiting for her. “Good morning everyone,” she greeted, and the students fell silent. “I’m glad to see so many people here so early in the morning. I know that we have a lot of people to get through today so I’ll keep this brief and we can get started.
“By now you’ve probably heard that this is going to be the largest production that’s ever been staged at NYADA. We are also tying in our spring musical with the annual fundraiser drive, so your work is going to be a huge aid in helping NYADA’s mission in the future. And because of these factors, we will not be staging our production at the school this year. We will be doing a special limited run at the New York City Center Theater for seven nights and two matinees.”
The students began the chatter and cheer excitedly at that bit of news, shocked to have the opportunity to perform in that kind of venue. Rachel looked to Kurt, who wasn’t even trying to hide his surprise or excitement.
Professor Carmody smiled at their response. “Yes, I know that’s exciting. This is a production where the entire school will be actively showing what we are training our students to do. All programs will be participating, from the voice and dramatics majors to the costuming and stage technician students. It’s a true joint effort and I’m honored to be leading you on this endeavor.
“So thank you all and good luck!”
She stepped off the stage and went to the technical table where Kurt wasn’t especially surprised to see many of the voice and theater faculty joining her. Madam Tibideaux was easy to spot in her royal blue velvet turban and it was fairly obvious that she would be using these auditions to help her judge how they were progressing as performers, not just singers.
They were being called in alphabetical order so Kurt knew that he was going to have a bit of a wait. He watched the other students taking the stage. When Rachel’s name was called, the first of their class, he gave her a quick hug for encouragement and was gratified that the entire class was cheering for her as she took the stage.
“Many a lassie as ev’ryone know’ll, try to be married be for twenty-five,” she trilled, bring out the elegant soprano tones that often got overlooked in her focus on power. “So she’ll agree to most any proposal. All he mus’ be is a man. An’ alive.”
Kurt found himself chuckling with Rachel at the statement. The expression of exasperation at her foolish female peers was amusing and sat back to enjoy her performance. Rachel had such a naturally beautiful voice and it was a pleasure to see her using her real talents instead of always focusing on belting and doing vocal tricks.
She needed to work a bit on her accent, Kurt thought. Her Scottish brogue wasn’t terribly convincing and she probably would benefit from the Diction class he was taking. At least now he was sure that if her flaw was pointed out to her that she would be receptive to the criticism.
“Though I’ll live forty lives till the day he arrives, I’ll not ever, ever grieve,” she confided to the audience. “For my hope will be high that he’ll come strollin’ by; for you see, I believe! That a laddie weary, and wanderin’ free, who’s waiting for his dearie.
“Me!” she proclaimed to loud applause from their class and the other auditioners. Kurt cheered and whistled loudly; giving her a brief standing ovation for what he thought was one of her best performances in years.
When she got back her seat, he gave her a quick hug. “That was fantastic!” he praised sincerely.
She gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks. I wanted to try something a little different this time around.”
“Well, I think that you probably impressed a lot of people,” Kurt surmised, earning a loving and thankful look from his friend.
They settled in to watch the other auditioners and several in the Apples made their way to the stage. They sounded more than decent, though Kurt knew that they wouldn’t be up to the same standards as the voice and musical theater students. But that was okay; they could carry a tune and Kurt was sure that all of them would be assigned at least chorus spots. He was looking forward to being able to work in a real production with his friends.
When his name was called, he hurried to the stage and couldn’t help from grinning at the loud cheers from all his friends. He found his mark at the center of the stage and took only a brief second to center himself before he nodded to the pianist to begin.
He normally thought long and hard about his material, weighing out the pros and cons of each. This time around, though, the selection was fairly simple for him to make. He wanted something that would evoke a similar musical feel but still give him room to tailor it a bit to his own style. This song had jumped out at him and he was interested to see how it was received.
“You’ve been a fool, and so have I,” he sang along with the gentle music. “But come and be my wife. And let us try, before we die, to make sense of this life.”
He paused for a beat, letting the music lift his voice. “We’re neither pure, nor wise, nor good. We’ll do the best we know. We’ll build our house and chop our wood. And make our garden grow…”
He usually had little problem finding some element that he shared with each character that he played that allowed him to translate that character through his own experiences. This time, the link was easy to find. They’d both been through their own trials and hardships and had emerged still hopeful, but not as naive or deliberately blind to the realities of the world around them. Kurt could now look at his past experiences and his own future with clear eyes.
“I thought the world was sugar cake, for so our master said,” he sang with the tang of regret in his voice. Innocence was something that could never be regained once it was lost. “But now, I’ll teach my hands to bake our loaf of daily bread.”
His life with Adam was not always easy. They weren’t wealthy and the careers they’d chosen would often mean struggling but he wasn’t afraid. They were building their lives together, brick by brick, making their relationship one of love and support that he never thought he’d truly have.
Blaine was the fantasy. A teenage dream of a handsome boy that would sweep him off his feet. The reality was a needy man-child that demanded all of Kurt’s consideration while offering precious little in return. His infidelity had been the final blow, but now that Kurt could look back with clear vision, it was inevitable that their relationship would fail. If it wasn’t the cheating, it would have been Blaine’s incessant neediness and sense of competition that would have sucked Kurt dry.
The reality of Adam, with all of the imperfections of their lives, was far preferable. He could only hope that Adam knew just how much he meant to Kurt.
“Let dreamers dream, what worlds they please,” he declared assuredly. “Those Edens can’t be found. The sweetest flowers, the fairest trees, are grown in solid ground.
He looked to the audience, feeling the security of all that he had to his advantage. He had his talent and his love and the support of his friends and family. No fantasy could possibly compete with that. And he realized that he no longer needed those fantasies to aid him through the hard times.
“We’re neither pure, nor wise, nor good. We’ll do the best we know. We’ll build our house and chop our wood. And make our garden grow.
“And make our garden grow!”
He heard the cheers from his friends and his classmates, and he was gratified by their regard. It was pleasing to know that they had liked what he’d managed to do, but he also realized that he knew that he deserved it. It was starting to feel less strange to actually be getting applause. He returned to his classmates and let Rachel pull him into a hug, her praise sincerely given and received.
Returning home that afternoon, Kurt was still enjoying the high that he always felt after a good performance. Everyone had seemed complimentary of his work and Kurt was thrilled that his risk seemed to have paid off. He knew that his piece was an ambitious one and it seemed like he managed to pull it off. The way Jamie had ranted, Kurt knew that he had made an impression.
“I cannot believe you! You had the balls to do Candide? And to turn the finale into a solo?”
Kurt just shrugged, grinning widely. It had gone better than he’d expected. All in all, it had been a tiring but satisfying day and he was looking forward to a quiet evening to recover so that he could be cheerful for Adam when he got home from work.
He was whistling to himself as he opened the door to their apartment, mentally running through his options for dinner before starting on his homework. After hanging up his jacket, he thought about making a cup of tea for himself when he was started by Adam’s voice.
“Hello, darling? Did it go well?” the older man asked, a tense smile on his face.
Kurt nearly started, but quickly calmed when he realized who he being greeted by. “Hey… what are you doing here?” he asked a little breathlessly, giving Adam a quick hug and kiss. “I thought you’d be at work.”
“I left early today,” Adam explained, gazing down at Kurt. “Wanted to be here when you got home.”
“Well, I’m not going to complain about that,” Kurt teased, giving his boyfriend a warm kiss. “And it went great. I’m kind of looking forward to whatever feedback I get. And of course, Madam Tibideaux was there so I’m sure that she’ll have something to say about it.”
Adam nodded, not taking his eyes off of Kurt. Normally Kurt didn’t mind his boyfriend staring at him, but for some reason the intensity of the older man’s gaze was a trifle unnerving.
“Hey… is everything okay?” he couldn’t help from asking. “You’ve been acting weird all day.”
Adam didn’t denying Kurt’s query immediately, which was only setting Kurt’s nerves a bit more on edge. “Something did happen that I need to talk with you about,” he said, the tone of his voice betraying the older man’s unease.
Kurt was starting to get a little nervous as his mind began to race about what might be wrong. Adam couldn’t be breaking up with him. Not after the way he’d treated Kurt so beautifully that morning. Was his father sick? Was he sick?
Adam saw the fear crossing his lover’s face and quickly moved to soothe him. “No, darling… it’s nothing bad,” he insisted, reaching out to smooth Kurt’s hair back reassuringly. “Not really.”
Kurt didn’t bother to try to hide his unease. “What’s going on, babe?”
Adam licked his lips nervously and gave Kurt a tentative smile. “I got a call from my agent yesterday. One of the productions I auditioned for got back to him and offered me a part.”
Kurt’s eyes widened in surprise and his worried expression transformed into one of pure delight. “Are you kidding me?” he exclaimed, flinging himself into Adam’s arms. “Oh honey! I’m so happy for you.”
He all but dragged Adam to the couch and pushed him down, sitting down next to him. “Tell me all about it,” he demanded, taking Adam’s hand in his. “What show is it? I was hoping that something would come through soon. I want to know everything!”
Strangely, Adam’s expression didn’t appear any more pleased to finally have a job offer. He squeezed Kurt’s hand and looked at him with a somber look in his eyes.
“Sweetheart, we need to talk about this.”
* * *
Songs used:
Rachel's solo: "Waiting For My Dearie" - Brigadoon
Kurt's solo: "Make Our Garden Grow" - Candide
#kadam fic#kurt hummel#adam crawford#rachel berry#santana lopez#artie abrams#tina cohen chang#adam's apples#nyada students#not blaine friendly#his awfulness gets mentioned here#learning to fly
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the fake dating au
(which must be actually written properly by me very soon)
~ robert is this really hard working business man who just isn’t given the break by his boss (aka lawrence white) who just hates him for never following through with a proposal with chrissie and basically dumping her arse
~ rob’s like a free little bird and basically has no real ties, no home (he rents), no family, and it’s not good for lawrence because he could up and leave any second
~ and also robert is robert so builds up a great rapport with clients and it only pisses lawrence off further basically
~ anyways so robert has vic and it’s her wedding day, he goes alone and everyone’s dishing out the whole “when will you settle down love” talk to him (especially diane) and he just isn’t having any of it
~ then he clocks eyes with the bloke recording the wedding there and it’s all awkward because vic is like pressing for them to talk because the camera guy is adam’s best mate, is gay and well she is dying for her brother to just settle the hell down with someone
~ aaron is like … Charmed and gets all weirdly smitten by robert in the space of like one night and it’s all really cute and awkward
~ robert records a message for vic and adam and says something like “hopefully i’ll find an idiot to marry one day too” and aaron is all cute and tries to ask him out for a drink but robert just doesn’t get the subtleties at all and just thinks aaron is banging on about living in yorkshire and travelling down to london for the wedding
~ and then comes the whole throwing the bouquet thing and vic thinks it’s funny to throw it at rob and he catches it, everyone starts laughing and then aaron’s like shoved on his knee and it’s so Awkward and then someone takes a picture of them looking at each other weirdly loved up
~ anyway so a few days later … robert wants a higher position (naturally) but soon realises that he won’t be given one because of his lifestyle and the fact that lawrence can’t guarantee he would stick around for years because it’s not like he needs to support a family, or pay off a mortgage or whatever
~ he’s like hellllaaaa pissed and then all of a sudden, lawrence is like “fine then, i won’t judge, you can have the raise and the office and a better title”
~ robert is like ??? and then it turns out that they all think that he’s engaged … to wedding video guy all because of vic and her big mouth and the fact that she showed lawrence the picture of them looking like they actually liked each other
~ it’s all mad but at least robert has the job and then a girl from the office below them ~ let’s say her name’s lola for the lols ~ starts becoming interested in him out of nowhere and he realises it’s because he’s sort of off limits now and that’s somehow dangerous to her and he’s a proper bad boy now
~ so they start sleeping together, her fully knowing that everyone thinks he’s seeing this bloke who he’s made out is like some hot shot ‘film maker’ and of course everyone just believes him
~ then bang, shit hits the fan because aaron goes and bloody makes himself a hero, he’s suddenly on the news because whilst filming a wedding, a fire broke out and he managed to save a little girl’s life and everyone is like what!a!hero!
~ robert loses his shit completely because everyone starts asking him questions about his brave hero fiancé and he’s just like … noooo oh my gosh noooo
~ vic is all apoplectic and starts saying that she had no idea it would be so public, that it will die down but then lawrence is all like “the owners of harding and ryle are really interested in this, they’ve offered to buy you and aaron dinner whenever you’re free” and robert can’t do anything about it
~ so he ends up meeting up with aaron and aaron is just the same, sort of hates all the attention and pats on the backs he receives from people around, and he is like so happy to see robert again but he suppresses it as best he can and gives robert the chance to say why he’s rocked up
~ so robert is all like “well uh - a lie sort of got out of hand and now i really need you to come down to london with me and pretend that we’re engaged for just like one dinner and then you can break up with me really epically and you’ll never have to see me again. please?”
~ he offers to pay for everything as well and that’s when aaron gets all sad and annoyed about it because he’s like “mate, keep your money, i was thinking about going down to london anyway, asking vic for your number and seeing if you want a drink so… don’t worry about it”
~ and robert’s all stunned and a little bit flattered by it but ignores that and just thanks aaron for sort of agreeing
~ so then aaron like fully comes down to london, comes right into the office and robert does the whole snog your face off with aaron in front of everyone to prove how much they love each other and even whisper something like “grab my arse and pull me into the office” and it’s just Insane
~ shows him around his flat, shows him the sofa he’ll have to sleep on because it’s only a one bedroom flat, and it’s all cute and sweet and aaron is like enjoying himself a little too much if he’s honest
~ robert is robert and gives him this manual to look over and it’s got everything he needs to know about their 'relationship’ and then he leaves for 'work’ (lola rings him - booty call basically) and he goes running, but it gets interrupted when aaron shows up out of the blue and sort of makes a show of rob in the middle of the hotel
~ aaron’s all like “she’s your girlfriend? why am i even here?” and rob has to tell him to chill the hell out because it’s not a big deal and he needs to stop making out like it is - and aaron hates that he's bloody jealous ??
~ that night rob sort of opens up about what he’s written in the lil manual and it gets all deep because he mentions his dad and his mum and the watch he always regretted pawning after he left home because his dad gave it to him
he doesn’t even know why he’s telling aaron but it’s like so easy and he just starts realising how soft aaron is and it’s so fluffy
~ by the next day aaron is like an official member of robert’s fan club and he knows all about robert’s life, his favourite colour, how he likes his coffee, and literally just everything and he is just fully Ready for this nice little date night dinner they’re having
~ robert gets a lil awkward because it’s like aaron doesn’t remember what’s happening that night … the whole breaking up thing and he has to remind aaron before they leave
~ and aaron’s all like “yeah of course” about it as he just can’t stop making heart eyes at robert and then robert’s all like “nice acting there, save it for the table though pls” and aaron has to shrug it off with a laugh when he’s really dying inside because the last thing he wants to do is stop seeing robert
~ so they have this nice dinner and everyone is like full of compliments for them and how amazing they look together and everyone LOVES aaron, one client even says “you can see how much he thinks of you” to robert about aaron and robert is like flawed because he doesn’t want #feelings over aaron at all
~ like the night keeps going on and on and robert is almost waiting for aaron to start banging on about how robert works too much and that he isn’t committed but it just doesn’t happen, aaron keeps shifting the conversation and then they’re all dancing and aaron feels all tingly when robert holds his waist just … because
~ and so he plucks up the courage to actually say “you know i don’t mind coming down a few weekends, maybe you don’t need to end this tonight …” and robert gets all pissed like “this is why i should have paid you!” because the last thing he wants right now is to see aaron for any longer
~ they go back to the table and then robert starts really messing with things like saying “oh aaron by the way i can’t come to your family thing because of work sorry” but aaron is just like all smiles and really not letting robert break it off so easily
~ so robert has to step it up a gear and pretends that someone’s called aaron and it’s his 'bit on the side’ suddenly everyone is like tut tut maybe this bloke isn’t amazing anymore and robert says something like “i’m sorry but you went against our - commitment to each other, our deal and - if i’m honest, you’re not as nice as i first thought you were”
~ aaron sees through it and like internally just says 'fine’ and starts letting rip, banging on about how he doesn’t give a toss about him, how robert never even tried to understand him just a little because all he cares about is work … robert thinks he’s just acting and then he says something like “to think i was actually fallen in -” and aaron turns so red that he has to just run out of the restaurant because he’s so embarrassed
~ robert finds him later and tries joking about it all, saying that aaron deserves an oscar for his performance and aaron tries to laugh it off but it’s so clear that he meant what he said
~ rob’s all like “maybe i could buy you a drink before you leave …” but when aaron actually goes to actually accept suddenly lola parks up and robert’s all like “i’ll see ya back at the flat later yeah?"
~ rob’s with lola and proper trying to get into it but then he’s like … "i need to go, sorry” because he feels so bad ?? because he’s made aaron look like a dick in front of important people and it’s not fair at all
~ when he gets back, aaron is like already packing his things away and when robert tries to explain to him that he’s sorry, aaron’s all cut off and reserved
~ then the phone rings and it’s diane who is dying to have a word with aaron, robert tries to make an excuse and then aaron actually speaks to her and he’s so soft and warm with her and robert is like Charmed and it takes him by surprise
~ he’s all like … “listen maybe you were right about … about you know, you coming down a few weekends” and aaron gets this hopeful look in his eyes and promises to sleep on it
~ robert’s all happy, almost giddy about it and he tells vic that maybe aaron’s actually going to stick around for a lil longer … lawrence overhears and he’s all like - “i’ve checked into this aaron and it’s not pretty, he might be a hero but he wasn’t always like that trust me, if you carry on with him then - there’s the door”
~ and robert is like crushed ??? because he doesn’t know what to do but then he’s robert so he blocks out his feelings and sort of lets aaron know that lawrence knows about his criminal charges and doesn’t want someone from his business with someone like that and he can see how hurt aaron looks
~ but aaron just shakes it off and goes like “well we weren’t really dating so it doesn’t matter, look i’m going now okay?”
~ and then things get all Emotional and robert blocks the door all like “you were always just supposed to go away … don’t make it hard now" and aaron just pushes past him, won’t accept the money and leaves
~ robert is the definition of a #kicked puppy™ and he goes around acting like one until he has to present this new business venture idea in front of a new client and then he finds that aaron found the watch his dad gave him - the one he pawned when he left home and it’s like the most Sweetest thing anyone has ever done for him and he is just blown away
~ so he goes up on stage and is just like "i can’t present today … because - because of aaron, i lied about everything” and everyone is so shocked about it and lola is like wtf but he doesn’t even care because he just knows that he’s going to be sacked so he starts collecting all his stuff but lawrence actually stops him!!
~ lawrence is all like “it’ll take a few days to smooth this over … why don’t you go up to yorkshire and sort things out”
~ and robert actually goes because he can’t stop thinking about aaron and he finds out where he leaves and it’s so damn dainty and cute and he doesn’t know what else to say but “thanks for the watch"
~ and aaron tries telling him to leave him alone because he doesn’t like being messed about but robert’s all like pls just listen but aaron just won't
~ in comes chas who lets robert know that aaron’s working in the local church that night and that he should go and see him because "he hasn’t stopped banging on about investment banking and it must have something to do with you judging from your suit”
~ so robert is like all awkward, standing behind aaron who is filming this wedding and he won’t leave his side until the reception and he explains himself
~ cue mushy shit like: “yeah i’m an idiot, and i’m manipulative and i don’t care about anyone’s feelings but my own and i’m - i’m so stupid for letting you go like that. but i miss you, i miss seeing you sleeping on my sofa and - well i don’t want you on my sofa anymore if you know what i mean”
~ and aaron’s all shy suddenly and doesn’t know what to say but, “i really really like ya, so this - i can’t do this i’m sorry” and he knows it doesn’t make sense but robert seems to get it because he says “i wouldn’t hurt you"
~ aaron doesn’t say anything, just looks away and then robert sighs and says "okay yeah i probably would, more than once if i’m honest, but - but you make me want to be good and - maybe you’ll be the idiot i want to marry one day”
~ that makes aaron look up, eyes all watery and then he just marches towards robert and snogs the lights out of him and robert pulls away and says “i could love you” and then aaron just shrugs like “maybe i already do” and robert is just like stunned completely because someone might love him, someone good might love him and it’s everything he needs to know
~ and then it finishes and we DIE
🙃🙃🙃
#i need to write this lord#it's based on this film called picture perfect which is the cutest#fake dating au#robron fics#robron
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The Exiles - Just Another Morning
“Caleb!”
The sound of his name suddenly shouted made him start and awaken with a snort. He smacked his lips and moved away a few strands of black curls stuck to his mouth as he slowly opened his eyes. He saw his face staring down at him with an annoyed expression.
Wait, no, not his face. Not with those dorky black glasses. Just his twin. Even worse.
He grumbled and started to turn over in bed, but his brother seemed to anticipate this, and pulled the blankets away from him, almost tugging Caleb onto the floor with them. Begrudgingly, he sat up, gold eyes glaring up to meet his brother’s. But his rude awakener had already turned away. He returned with a pile of clothes he tossed onto Caleb’s lap.
“You know I’ve never been a morning person, Darius,” Caleb complained, as he sluggishly stood to go to the bathroom. “The sun’s not even up yet!”
“And you know I work the early shift today,” Darius shot back. “You’re gonna make me late for work.”
Caleb groaned. He rued the day Darius got that stupid barista job. After a quick shower, and a sped-up version of his morning beauty routine, Caleb hurriedly got dressed. Darius was already standing at the door of their small apartment when he was finished, adjusting his uniform’s cap over his fade and obsessively straightening his apron. Caleb rolled his eyes.
“You look fine, darling, they’ll love you at the ball,” he said. “Now, hurry up. Weren’t you the one rushing me?”
Darius shoots him a smirk as they leave their home to head downstairs to the apartment complex’s parking lot. “Yes, because I didn’t stay out until two in the morning last night. Thus, I didn’t need to get ready at the last second.”
Caleb decided to deny him a reply, as he pretended to be interested in the glint of the sunrise in the clear sky shining down over the buildings. The complex wasn’t the prettiest place to live, but it was structurally sound, and that’s the most the twins could hope for with their limited finances. They were far too bland for Caleb’s taste, but no matter how many suggestions he submitted to the landlord, they refused to put up more colorful blinds in the windows or allow tasteful murals to be painted on the walls. But maybe it was for the best. A plain home to match his drab life.
As if to emphasize the recurring theme of average things, the twins approached their shared car. A silver four seater that came with some inconveniences, but still drove well enough to get them where they needed to go. They strapped themselves in and pulled out of the lot. The streets in Concordia always seemed relaxed, excluding lunch rush hours. The town was just the right size for its population, it wasn’t some small village where everyone knew each other, but it was far from a big city where traffic was packed, and skyscrapers were everywhere. There was an even balance between local businesses and chain stores, a campsite with nature trails and a mega mall with trendy clothing shops.
As Caleb drove, Darius leaned his head to look out the passenger window, only half-opened as it couldn’t go any lower. For a few minutes they rode in silence, homes and buildings passing by them in a blur as they sped along. Just as Caleb opened his mouth to say something, anything, to fill the silence, Darius spoke first.
“How did the gig go last night?”
Caleb knew what he wanted to ask. ‘How much money did you make?’, ‘When are you going to afford to pay your side of the rent?’, ‘When are you going to get a real jo--‘
“Caleb?” Darius tried again, his voice somehow both louder for clarity and softer with concern. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want...”
“Twenty dollars in tips,” Caleb interrupted him.
“Oh,” was Darius’ only response before another few seconds of silence. “Well, that’s…”
“Shitty,” he finished for him. “Twenty dollars for the whole night. Not that I expected much, considering how low the turnout was.”
“I’m…sure you were great.”
A bitter part of Caleb’s mind thought of so many things to snap at him, quick bursts of frustration-fueled comments that he wouldn’t think twice about in the moment, then instantly regret later. Instead, he settled on, “Thanks.”
Not a moment too soon, they pulled into the parking lot of Queen Caffeine. There were only a few cars around. Ever since a new coffeehouse opened at the mall, the café hadn’t been getting as many customers as they used to. The place had a quaint look on the outside, made of brick with a simple sign displaying the café’s name with a steaming cup of coffee between “Queen” and “Caffeine”, and a crown over the “Q”. There were even little flower pots sitting on the window sills.
When they walked in, a little bell chimed and the man at the counter looked up. Freckles were scattered across his light brown skin, and his long lashes blinked lazily over dark brown eyes. He had a look of annoyance on his face at the sound of the bell, then it softened as he saw who was entering.
“Caleb! D!” He had a slight Spanish accent, and his voice was gruffer than most would expect to come from someone with such a soft, young face. he nodded to them both, though the way his eyes lingered on Darius wasn’t missed by Caleb. “Just in time. I thought I was gonna die of boredom.”
“Lawrence,” Darius said, a bashful smile on his face as he awkwardly raised a hand in greeting.
“LV!” Caleb shouted, loud enough to make two nearby customers flinch and move away from their stools to a table. Darius groaned in embarrassment, but Caleb ignored him, simply took one of the now available stools, and sat gleefully with his elbows on the counter. “Maybe you’d be less bored if you did your job properly for once. I’ve been here for a full minute and still have yet to be served my usual.”
“For free, you’d be lucky if I hand you a fistful of sugar packets,” LV teased back.
Caleb huffed in faux disappointment. Darius rolled his eyes at them as he moved behind the counter to go check in for his shift. As soon as he’s out of sight, and presumably earshot, Caleb leaned in and spoke in a more subdued tone.
“How’s he been doing?” he asked.
“Honestly, place has only gotten better since he started working here,” LV said. “Never been cleaner, or more organized. I swear he even counts the beans before running them through the coffee maker. He’s thorough, I’ll give him that.”
Caleb wanted to ask for more details. He could practically hear the 'but' in the sentence. But instead he said, “Cool, good.”
If something were wrong, Darius would tell him himself. He instantly wanted to laugh at the thought. Darius would sooner run himself into the ground than admit that having to work a full-time job so that they could keep a roof over their heads caused him the least bit of stress. Soon, Darius came back out, already getting straight to work by going to wash dishes in the back.
Caleb took it as his cue to leave. He moved from the stool with a final nod to LV. “I’d better get going. I’ll try to be here to pick him up when he gets off.”
LV nodded back, though his face was stern. “You look out for yourself too. He’s doing this for both of you, but if you wanna hold your own, I’d look into job hunting more.”
“I have a…”
“Then get another one. ‘Cause the one you got ain’t working out as well as you thought. Is it?”
Caleb didn’t say anything at first, just looked at the floor with a scowl on his face. Despite not looking at him, he heard the change in LV’s tone. Not exactly sympathy, or even pity, but it was notably less harsh.
“Just, try. I’m sure he’d appreciate it. Take all day if you have to. I’ll drive him home after work.”
Caleb looked back up to meet his eyes and manages a smile. “Thanks, LV.”
He headed out of the café, and back to the car. He sat back in the seat and just stared forward as he tried to think. He already knew where his best chance at getting a job would be. He already kind of worked there anyway, it was just… What? Too embarrassing to submit to an 'actual' job when he’d been so adamant about sticking to following his dreams? Why couldn’t he just put his pride aside for a better paycheck? Darius would do it for him in a heartbeat. He already had.
Caleb started the car, and drove out of the parking lot. As he drove, he couldn't help the thoughts of the past flying through his head. Him and Darius had been taking care of each other since they were preteens. They'd had to protect each other growing up in an orphanage, had to go through school together... He winced at the thought. That was where the split between them started, somewhere around middle school came their first arguments. Caleb had been the popular twin, the charming twin, the fun twin. Darius had been the nerd, the teacher's pet, the socially awkward twin. And Caleb had preferred it that way, had reveled in the attention and was the first to mock him for his bookish traits. He'd abandoned him.
Caleb slowed and stopped at a red light, as if even the world was being cruel enough to make him pause and dwell on the memories. Before, he had been the one at the top of the social food chain. In a way, that hadn't changed. He was still the more charismatic of the two of them. But he no longer felt like they were equal partners, like they had been before. Darius was the one putting more money towards their finances, the one supporting Caleb's dream, even if it wasn't the most profitable. And what did Caleb offer in return? As the light turns green, and he moves forward, he remembers this morning, when he whined about just having to take Darius to work. He was his brother, and he felt like a freeloader. As much as he hated to admit it, LV was right.
He slowed as he rolled up to a colorful building with a neon sign that was currently turned off, but shone like a lively beacon at night. Elegant double doors stood at the end of a line of red ropes, and the windows were covered in vivid mosaics. Club Legacy. Depending on the night, it could be a chill bar with live performances, good food, and plenty of drinking, or it could have a loud, rowdy party atmosphere with a DJ, a full dance floor, and...plenty of drinking. The best place Caleb could find to do his gigs late in the evening. The most important feature to him right now was the 'Help Wanted' sign in stuck to one of the windows. He took a deep breath, and stepped out of his car. Time to stop feeling worthless.
#storytellingfae#the exiles#Darius Ra#Caleb Ra#Lawrence Vendez#Slice of life#literature#short story#chapter 1#original characters#cafe#coffee shop#fiction
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Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
https://www.aswadwrites.in/sarcastic-quotes/
Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
If you carry contempt for or mock something, the use of words that say something else but mean the other, then this is sarcasm. In other phrases, you are the usage of irony to do it. I guess, better than defining what’s sarcasm. Must I permit the subsequent listing of sarcastic quotes do the talking? Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old sarcasm quotes, sarcasm sayings, and sarcasm proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.
Sarcastic Quotes
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.
~ Lorrie Moore
The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife.
~ David Ogilvy
Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.
~ George Bernard Shaw
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~ Clarence Darrow
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
~ Steven Wright
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
~ P. J. O’Rourke
If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!
~ Anonymous
Feared
No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.
~ Anonymous
Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it.
~ Anonymous
Read: 20+ Beautiful Heart Touching Quotes Collection
I asked you for some lunch money, and you gave me a dollar? Your benevolence always touches my soul!
~ Anonymous
Oh, come on! I am not being sarcastic with you. You really sing well… In fact, you sing better than the wretched crows in my neighborhood! Damn those crows…
~ Anonymous
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.
~ Anonymous
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~ Groucho Marx
You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth.
~ Anonymous
Types of People
Eye Roll and Heart Eyes
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
~ Anonymous
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~ Sacha Guitry
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
Shocked thick guy using modern technology
Baby Girl getting a Shot
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
~ Anonymous
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.
~ Frank Lloyd Wright
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
~ Anonymous
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
~ Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
~ Billy Connolly
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
~ Anonymous
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all its students!
~ Robin Williams
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
~ Anonymous
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
~ Max Kauffmann
Check: Incredible Sad Status For Whatsapp
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question.
~ Anonymous
I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood.
~ J.D. Salinger
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.
~ Gene Perret
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
~ Robert Frost
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.
~ Will Rogers
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.
~ Sarah Rees Brennan
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
~ Anonymous
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
~ Anonymous
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
~ Will Rogers
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
~ Forrest Tucker
Handsome gangster
Portrait of a surprised cat breed Scottish Fold
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy.
~ Anonymous
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
~ Drew Carey
You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
~ Anonymous
Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
~ Anonymous
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
~ Sam Kinison
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
~ Steven Wright
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
~ Anonymous
Check: Attitude Quotes And Status (Latest Collection)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~ Mark Twain
I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
~ Anonymous
I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.
~ Jarod Kintz
I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
~ Anonymous
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
~ Anonymous
You know there’s just one more thing to need to do after you crack a joke… Tickle the other person!
~ Anonymous
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
~ Patrick Murray
Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?
~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
~ Anonymous
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I are not sure about the universe.
~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
~ Stephen Bishop
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
~ Groucho Marx
Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
~ Cecilia Egan
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
~ Joan Crawford
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
~ Woody Allen
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
~ Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
~ Groucho Marx
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
~ Woody Allen
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
~ Henny Youngman
You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!
~ Anonymous
Read: Sad Quotes About Life
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
~ Groucho Marx
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
~ Natalie Wood
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Marriage is given and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
~ Joey Adams
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
~ James Holt McGavran
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
~ Sir Winston Churchill
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you that mine are all greater.
~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you run as much as your mouth.”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
Check: Good Morning Quotes
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
“I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you’re still a retard.”
“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
Read: Top 50 Best Collection of Funny Whatsapp Status
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
Check: Good Status For Whatsapp
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
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#WhatsappStatus #WhatsappLoveStatus #WhatsappSadStatus #LoveStatus #SadStatus #WhatsappStatusHindi #AttitudeStatusHindi #Shayari #LoveShayari #SadShayari #MeaningfulQuotes #EmotionalStatus
#Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People#Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People#Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons#Sarcastic Quotes About Love#Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships#Sarcastic Quotes About Work#Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts#Quotes
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Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
https://www.aswadwrites.in/sarcastic-quotes/
Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
If you carry contempt for or mock something, the use of words that say something else but mean the other, then this is sarcasm. In other phrases, you are the usage of irony to do it. I guess, better than defining what’s sarcasm. Must I permit the subsequent listing of sarcastic quotes do the talking? Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old sarcasm quotes, sarcasm sayings, and sarcasm proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.
Sarcastic Quotes
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.
~ Lorrie Moore
The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife.
~ David Ogilvy
Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.
~ George Bernard Shaw
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~ Clarence Darrow
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
~ Steven Wright
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
~ P. J. O’Rourke
If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!
~ Anonymous
Feared
No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.
~ Anonymous
Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it.
~ Anonymous
Read: 20+ Beautiful Heart Touching Quotes Collection
I asked you for some lunch money, and you gave me a dollar? Your benevolence always touches my soul!
~ Anonymous
Oh, come on! I am not being sarcastic with you. You really sing well… In fact, you sing better than the wretched crows in my neighborhood! Damn those crows…
~ Anonymous
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.
~ Anonymous
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~ Groucho Marx
You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth.
~ Anonymous
Types of People
Eye Roll and Heart Eyes
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
~ Anonymous
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~ Sacha Guitry
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
Shocked thick guy using modern technology
Baby Girl getting a Shot
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
~ Anonymous
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.
~ Frank Lloyd Wright
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
~ Anonymous
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
~ Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
~ Billy Connolly
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
~ Anonymous
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all its students!
~ Robin Williams
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
~ Anonymous
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
~ Max Kauffmann
Check: Incredible Sad Status For Whatsapp
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question.
~ Anonymous
I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood.
~ J.D. Salinger
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.
~ Gene Perret
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
~ Robert Frost
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.
~ Will Rogers
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.
~ Sarah Rees Brennan
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
~ Anonymous
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
~ Anonymous
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
~ Will Rogers
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
~ Forrest Tucker
Handsome gangster
Portrait of a surprised cat breed Scottish Fold
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy.
~ Anonymous
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
~ Drew Carey
You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
~ Anonymous
Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
~ Anonymous
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
~ Sam Kinison
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
~ Steven Wright
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
~ Anonymous
Check: Attitude Quotes And Status (Latest Collection)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~ Mark Twain
I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
~ Anonymous
I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.
~ Jarod Kintz
I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
~ Anonymous
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
~ Anonymous
You know there’s just one more thing to need to do after you crack a joke… Tickle the other person!
~ Anonymous
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
~ Patrick Murray
Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?
~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
~ Anonymous
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I are not sure about the universe.
~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
~ Stephen Bishop
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
~ Groucho Marx
Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
~ Cecilia Egan
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
~ Joan Crawford
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
~ Woody Allen
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
~ Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
~ Groucho Marx
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
~ Woody Allen
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
~ Henny Youngman
You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!
~ Anonymous
Read: Sad Quotes About Life
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
~ Groucho Marx
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
~ Natalie Wood
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Marriage is given and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
~ Joey Adams
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
~ James Holt McGavran
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
~ Sir Winston Churchill
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you that mine are all greater.
~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you run as much as your mouth.”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
Check: Good Morning Quotes
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
“I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you’re still a retard.”
“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
Read: Top 50 Best Collection of Funny Whatsapp Status
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
Check: Good Status For Whatsapp
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
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#WhatsappStatus #WhatsappLoveStatus #WhatsappSadStatus #LoveStatus #SadStatus #WhatsappStatusHindi #AttitudeStatusHindi #Shayari #LoveShayari #SadShayari #MeaningfulQuotes #EmotionalStatus
#Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People#Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People#Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons#Sarcastic Quotes About Love#Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships#Sarcastic Quotes About Work#Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts#Quotes
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6 Famous People Who Hilariously Trolled Their Own Fans
Some celebrities see fame as tremendous burden and distraction from their craft, whereas others treat it as a golden opportunity to screw with thousands of strangers for no logical reason save “shits and giggles.” We’re talking about such famous rascals as …
6
Chris Pratt Trolls His Fans With Bad Jennifer Lawrence Photos
Hollywood certainly made a weird choice when it needed a hot new action star and decided to pick that zaftig fellow from Parks And Rec. During the press tour for the 2016 science fiction thriller Passengers, which starred Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence, fans got overly enthusiastic about the pairing and started “shipping” them. (For those who aren’t up to speed on the internet lingo, that means they want the two to hook up and mash their bits together and make babies.) Followers of Pratt’s Instagram account started demanding that he take more photos of himself hanging out with Lawrence so that they could satisfy their vicarious need to imagine these two millionaires spending time with each other.
And so Pratt proceeded to do what the fans were demanding:
Chris Pratt/Instagram
Over the next few days, Pratt went on to post a number of Instagram selfies featuring himself and Lawrence together. Technically.
Chris Pratt/Instagram
Chris Pratt/Instagram
You can’t argue that he didn’t give the fans exactly what they’d asked for. Still, a bunch of them didn’t seem to appreciate the photos, leaving comments like “Why isn’t she ever full in the pic” or “Why you cut Jennifer out?” Some people are simply impossible to please.
5
Nirvana Would Fuck Up Their Live Shows In Delightfully Stupid Ways
Nirvana are much better-known for their catchy grunge tunes than for Kurt Cobain’s primal screaming, but it’s not like he was intentionally trying to ruin the songs. Unless he was playing live, that is. Here’s a compilation of clips of Cobain mumbling into the microphone, or putting on a fake stupid accent, or sometimes replacing his lyrics with caveman grunts:
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It’s more or less the Charlie Brown teacher voice.
Read Next
6 Famous Writers Who Secretly Wrote Insane Pieces Of Trash
Sometimes, his reasons for messing with the audience were almost admirable. In 1992, for instance, Nirvana was booked to play a show in a packed stadium in Buenos Aires. The opening act, an all-girl band called Calamity Jane, had an extremely negative reception, getting pelted with mud and bottles from the audience. This pissed Cobain off, and he considered cancelling the performance, but bassist Krist Novoselic talked him into a compromise — they’d take the stage and do an incredibly shitty job. And so, rather than play any of their hits, the band began the opening riffs for songs like “Smells Like Teen Spirit” or “Come As You Are,” and then broke into renditions of their least-known songs, predominantly from their worst-rated album, Incesticide. As a finale, they did wind up finally playing a track from Nevermind — the hidden instrumental one at the end that you hear if you accidentally forget to stop the CD after ten minutes. The audience was furious. Cobain called it “one of the greatest experiences I’ve ever had.”
That wasn’t Nirvana’s first foray into deliberately messing up their shows. A year earlier, they were invited to perform on the British show Top Of The Pops, but after agreeing, they found out that the show had a policy of playing the music pre-recorded and only the singer’s voice live. As a response, Cobain sang “Smells Like Teen Spirit” like Christopher Walken with his mouth full of marshmallows, the whole time pretending to play his guitar with an open hand like a robotic Disneyland attraction.
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On top of all that, there’s the band’s remarkable disdain for their most famous song, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” — which was intended as a joke, a mockingly generic pop song full of nonsense lyrics and a guitar riff openly stolen from Boston’s “More Than A Feeling.” They hated that it became popular and resented playing it so much that, fairly often, they would rile up the crowd by playing the opening riff, and then instead launch into … a bad cover of “More Than A Feeling”.
youtube
4
Kiefer Sutherland Started Saying “Dammit!” More Often In 24 To Mess With Fans Playing A Drinking Game
24 may have been massively successful and popular, but nobody, from the fans to the producers to the stars, was ever under the impression that it was anything but a TV show based on a gimmick and starring one-note characters and cheap dialogue. It’s entertainment in the same way that Pringles is food — they don’t have to pretend it’s wholesome.
So when fans of the series endearingly mocked its hacky writing, the creators weren’t too proud to play along. Fans put together a drinking game in which you take a shot whenever Jack Bauer repeats one of his ten or so go-to lines, like demanding to know who someone is working for, saying the word “protocols,” or yelling “Dammit!” whenever something irked him:
youtube
In a 2006 interview with Rolling Stone, Sutherland revealed that he’d caught wind of the game and decided to have some fun with it. So in one episode, he made it a mission to say “Dammit!” as many times as he possibly could, even sneaking three into the same scene. In his words: “Boom, boom, boom. And that was just one scene. By the end, there had to be fourteen ‘Damn its.’ And I could just see all these college kids going, ‘Oh, fuck!'” (Which, incidentally, is what Jack would say if this show aired on cable.)
Now, this is the internet, so of course there’s a Wiki page cataloging every single “dammit” uttered on the show. Sutherland’s claim appears to be an exaggeration (his record was four d-bombs in one episode), but it’s true that the show got more liberal with the word as it went along — the penultimate season has 47 “dammits” between Jack and company, compared to the measly 30 in the first.
3
Mythbusters‘ Adam Savage Is Always Flamboyantly Lurking At Comic-Con
It’s probably not shocking to point out that Adam Savage, the non-walrus-stache half of Mythbusters, is kind of a nerd. What is shocking is that if you’re a dedicated nerd yourself, you might have met him without even knowing it.
Savage attends the San Diego Comic-Con every year, always wearing an elaborate costume which completely obscures his identity and prevents myth-busting enthusiasts from showering him with questions. He started in 2013 with an Admiral Ackbar costume (including an original mask from Return Of The Jedi), then topped that the next year with an exact replica of the original Alien spacesuit, complete with a facehugger model to cover his face. It was so hot that it required him to wear an ice vest to keep from passing out from heat exhaustion.
In 2015, he attended in a bespoke Judge Dredd costume, though he made himself somewhat easier to recognize by refusing to shave his trademark blonde goatee. On the next year, he went as the main character of the Oscar-winning Leonardo-DiCaprio-mauled-by-a-bear movie The Revenant — that’s right, he dressed up as the bear.
And finally, in 2017, he went as King Arthur, in armor made by the actual costume designer from the 1981 movie Excalibur, with chain mail made for the Lord Of The Rings series underneath. He could have gone as Arthur from the Guy Ritchie movie that came out two months earlier, but everyone had already forgotten that.
Every year, Savage challenges fans to figure out which of the Comic-Con attendees is secretly him, and rewards them with bonuses like free tickets to his panel. And every year, at least one person figures it out, probably by whittling down the number of identity-obscuring cosplayers whose costume could only be put together if someone was earning Mythbusters dollars.
2
The Dallas Stars Wouldn’t Stop Playing Nickelback
Americans don’t care about ice hockey nearly as much as Canadians do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their own league. You can catch up on what’s going on with the NHL late at night on Fox Sports on a slow day. Well, if you’re not a fan, you might have missed the 2015 home game between the Dallas Stars and the Vancouver Canucks, during which the Stars decided that instead of playing “We Will Rock You” or “Seven Nation Army” to hype up the audience, they would only play Nickelback. Again and again. For the entire game.
Presumably, the intention was to troll Vancouver’s visiting fans. Nickelback is, after all, a (perhaps inexplicably) widely despised band from Vancouver. Unfortunately, there were as many if not more Dallas fans in attendance, who were just as annoyed by the sonic assault as the Vancouver visitors.
Toward the end of the game, the scoreboard displayed a graphic asking fans to text which artist they’d prefer never to hear again at a hockey game, providing three “options:” A) Nickelback, B) Nickelback, or C) Nickelback. It didn’t matter that the number was fake, because one answer was the clear winner (B, obviously). And in case you were wondering, yeah, Dallas won.
1
Guardians Of The Galaxy‘s Michael Rooker Showed Up On The Set Of Avengers: Infinity War Just To Mess With Marvel Fans
If you haven’t seen the second Guardians Of The Galaxy movie yet but intend to, then first of all, what are you waiting for? Secondly, this entry is going to have spoilers for that film. So either stop reading or see the damn movie already.
In early 2017, Marvel Studios started shooting Avengers: Infinity War, the long-awaited film that will see the 200 or so characters from the Marvel Cinematic Universe come together. At the same time, Guardians Of The Galaxy actor Michael Rooker started posting images on his Instagram account of himself visiting various locations in Georgia, where parts of the movie are being filmed, while wearing a cap emblazoned with the Infinity War logo. Hmm, what could he possibly be doing there?
Here’s the thing, though: Rooker’s character Yondu, the blue guy with the whistle-powered arrow thing, dies at the end of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2. It’s not one of those implied deaths that happens off-screen, either — he slowly freezes to death before our eyes in deep space while Chris Pratt screams “NO!” at him. The film later shows them holding a funeral and turning his corpse into fireworks. He’s definitely dead. And yet Rooker kept posting selfies from the Infinity War makeup trailer, with tape stuck over the logo on his cap that he’d previously “forgotten” to hide.
The obvious implication is that Yondu somehow survived his death and is going to show up to help kick Thanos’ ass in Infinity War. However, Guardians director James Gunn threw cold water on that suggestion when he was asked about it and answered bluntly that “Yondu is dead” and will remain like that “so long as I am involved with Marvel.”
So why the hell was Rooker on the set of Infinity War? According to Gunn, it was all a misdirection. Before the Guardians sequel hit theaters, fans started noticing that Rooker wasn’t on the Infinity War cast list and came close to guessing he was about to kick the bucket, so Marvel had him visit the set and Instagram himself in a branded hat to keep people guessing. Because dreams are meant to be smashed.
S. Peter Davis is the creator of the Three Minute Philosophy YouTube series, and is the author of the book Occam’s Nightmare.
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