31. Russian Into Love: Live! From SF Sketchfest with John Michael Higgens and Arden Myrin

Plot summary:

A model named Tita from Utah looks for apartments in New York. She moves into an apartment with Vladimir and his wife Maryshka who refuses to close her robe except around her husband. She refuses to sleep with him or let him see her naked. Asexual queen? A fashion designer with a leather coat named Captain Vladimir Serge comes to their apartment who's looking for the couple but Tita covers for them and says they're just curtain mice. Maryshka and Vladimir gossip about how they think Tita and the other Vladimir are falling in love with each other. Captain Vladimir is carrying a massive garbage bag full of powdered sweetener and Tita is 17 years old. Meanwhile, Tita has turned 18 and the greatest fashion designers of the world (including the creator of... sunglasses??) The Italian Mob family, The Spaghetti Brothers, hunt Maryshka and Vladimir from Witness Protection. It's revealed that Captain Vladimir is actually Michael Spaghetti and he's actually just a talented actor. He uses his comedic talents to mask the fact that he's madly in love with Tita. Carlton Spaghetti reveals that he killed a brother for falling in love. Everyone tries to kill each other. No one dies. Maryshka and Vladimir wish Tita was their daughter to the extent that Vladimir tells his "sweet I-wish-daughter" a sad story about why Maryshka doesn't have sex with him. Tita introduces Captain Vladimir to her landlords/adoptive parents and they think he's a terrible listener. Captain Vladimir is revealed to be Michael Spaghetti and some of Michael's brothers show up. Michael decides that he's going to stay Russian because he never met his parents and Vladimir and Maryshka are very parental. Carlton and Gino reflect on why they kill people for being in love. Maryshka discovers that Michael is actually her son because she forgot the nine months where she was pregnant and Tita asks for permission to marry their kid and everyone tells her to shut up because she's a narcissist. Maybe it's the cocaine?? Tita and Michael get married and fuck mid song. Maryshka and Vladimir walk in the rain together consensually.

Best quotes:

• "I MUST CONSULT WITH MY CURTAIN MICE"

• "Vladimir what. the. fuck!"

• "Who designed those beautiful trash bags and what went into that process?"

"Michael Kors."

Best songs:

• Ti-tah from Utah

• Vladimir W.T.F.

• I Get The Impression (That You're Already in Love)

• I Love Tita And So I Stay Russian

Thoughts Overall:

Zach forgot what the word for trigger was so every time someone was being threatened they just called it the hammer. This episode is a compilation of my favorite Zach and Jess accents: Russian and Mob Boss. I really love their aggressive cockney orphan voices too but that's not exactly on theme for the episode. SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND JESS!! Also Arden has a weird habit of interrupting everyone else mid conversation and it's kind of grating but she makes up for it by being really funny. Besides the kind of uncomfortable ending this episode is absolutely hysterical and it's definitely worth a listen