I had a thought yesterday night. I realized that almost all my traumas come from my father and the dysfunctional couple that my parents have. My mom is mostly the victim here, but still, their toxic couple dynamic scarred me for life.

Some examples:

In middle school, my father was crazy jealous and ultra controlling. He needed to know all my mom's whereabouts and would freak out if he saw her simply say hello to a male neighbor (but he had no problem flirting with every woman he would meet in the street...). Anyway, one day, he saw her looking out of the window and cooked up a story in his head that she was looking at a (nonexistent) lover (the street was literally empty). They had a huge argument because of that simple thing. During a car ride that evening, while my brothers and I were in the car mind you, he slapped her and throw her out. She had to walk back home and he didn't allow her to get in the house. I was freaked out obviously. But it's not over... A few days afterwards, he called for a "family meeting" (never had one of those beforehand) to let us know that he canceled our resident permit, that we were moving back to our home country, that he will divorce our mother and that we won't be seeing her anymore. I never cried so much in my life, I remember sobbing so much that I couldn't breathe. My reaction actually surprised him (the audacity). His answer to this horrible moment in my life: "hahaha it was just a joke, don't take it so seriously". Wtf! I'm not even kidding when I say that I had nightmares during months afterwards and I even got psoriasis from this whole event.

During my studies, I decided to do a year abroad. Before leaving for the fall semester, I worked with my mom during the summer to save some money. She worked as a cleaning lady and cleaned apartment buildings and stairwells. Obviously, we would bump from time to time into some people living there. Well... My dad helped me move to the country where I was doing my exchange. He actually drove me there. So I was stuck with him in a car for about 12 hours. After 2 hours of travel, he started his "interrogation". I felt uncomfortable and almost had a panic attack because I KNEW. I knew that it wasn't a random conversation, that every question was a trick and that he was looking for some kind of revelation. He wasn't just chit chatting although he was all smile and happy mood. He always used the same tactic with my brothers and I when he was fishing for information - and we learned to keep our mouth shut because he would overreact for the most random thing ever.... His goal with this whole conversation was to learn more about my mom's work and all the men that she was meeting there. Honestly, I remember being freaked out and I somewhat blacked out. My mistake was pretty much saying "oh yes there are male tenants there" (crazy right). Well, he drove me to my student dorm, took out all my things and drove right back home although he was supposed to stay a few days to visit with me. I remember seeing him leave in a hurry and I had a horrible feeling. I didn't hear from my mom for a few days which was weird - I mean I was abroad by myself and she wasn't even calling to see how I was doing? But I was afraid of calling her. Subconsciously, I knew something had happened and I didn't want to deal with it. Call it selfishness but after some time, it becomes too much to bear. It was actually my brother who texted me to let me know what was going on at home. My parents had a huge fight and he broke her back. My brother had to intervene and she had to be hospitalized. They lied and said that she had hurt herself at work... I felt horrible because I was the reason it happened. I mean sure, I know it's not me, but you can't help having those kind of thoughts. I made a second mistake: I texted my mom: "Hey I heard from #brother# what happened, how are you doing?". Problem: my father had my mom's phone and it lead to an argument with my brother who stopped talking with me for weeks afterwards because he was angry that I tried contacting our mom. The worst? My dad calling me and trying to downplay the whole thing, trying to coax me... I felt disgusted, but I played his game, like my brothers did, like my mom did. We all pretended it never fucking happened.

A few years ago, I was living in Paris for my last year of master's degree. I came to visit my parents during Christmas break. My mom had been gifted some chocolate by some old ladies where she was cleaning and wanted me to pretend that I was the one who bought it for her. Nothing new, we always had to lie about things like that because again my dad is far from being a normal human being. A few days after I came back in Paris, I remember being in the metro with my friends. We had just finished our class and we were going back home. I had received a message from my dad and when I opened to read it, it was simply "Where did you buy the chocolate?". I just broke down crying. In the middle of the metro. Just because of this one fucking text message. I actually had a full blown panic attack and it freaked out my friends. I was terrified of answering this one dumb little question. Because I knew that it was fifty fifty. I couldn't call my mom to match our stories and I didn't know what exactly she had told him. Anyway, I gave the wrong answer and my mom paid the price.

Kinda a depressing post. I came back to live with my parents two years ago and it's so weird seeing them have a "normal" relationship (for what it is). I'm angry because they fucked my whole childhood and now they are all lovey dovey. My mom told me a few months ago regarding my celibate status which bothers her greatly: "Sometimes, I feel like it's our fault.". Yeah, it surely is my dad's fault. Men are really trash, you won't be able to change my mind.

Sharing some thoughts:

I am currently planning to start an online bachelor's degree in BCMS (Bosnian Croatian Montenegrin Serbian) while working full-time. My reasons are simple: I am doing it for pure intellectual curiosity and Bosnian is my mother tongue. But because I grew up in France, I feel somewhat disconnected from the language and I want to feel more legitimate.

I am quite excited to do it but at the same time, I cannot help but ask myself whether it's a good idea or not to put myself under so much stress.

I know myself; I struggle with stress management and my stress/anxiety levels are already high. But I have some free time and I miss learning new things. I mean, I am still staying curious and focusing on improving my German, reading and taking some MOOC courses but I want to achieve something new.

My current job is far from intellectual and I don't even work in my study field. I actually graduated with a master's degree in International and European law two years ago. As I was in a bad space at the end of my studies, I had to change my career path. Now I kinda feel lost and I don't really know what I want to do with my professional life... I have an opportunity to pursue a kind of PhD program but meh, not sure that it would suit me.

However, I am taking an interest in peace and security and I will soon take part in a workshop on these topics. I guess that it would make sense to work on improving my BCMS skills since the Western Balkans are an unstable political region. Who knows? It could offer me new work opportunities. And I am hoping that I would have fun and meet new people (even if it's online).

At the end of the day, I don't think that I care that much about having a career. I just like studying and I am an academic overachiever. I participated in many summer schools and other academic projects... just for fun. Sure, it looks good on a CV but I'm not looking for a wow job. I'm working to survive, not for pleasure, at least for now. Thankfully, studies are almost free in France; it means that I could spend my life pursuing various degrees and discovering all kind of academic fields.