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sebastianshaw · 3 years

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(OK SO this is a crack fic but it is written COMPLETELY seriously, since the challenge was to make this logically WORK. So, a joke was made in Discord about how Sebastian Shaw and Fantomex are actually the parents of Manon and Maxime, explaining why they’re French, psychic, and think SHAW is the adult they should go to when in trouble. And someone said, “well, they said their parents were students at Xavier’s before them, so that rules out Shaw and Fantomex” and I was like “well, rules them out in THIS universe” and I was challenged to explain how the O5 never returning to their timeline would result in Shaw and Fantomex being in attendance at the school, and I was like, you know what? Challenge accepted.) With the X-Men gone from the present, sent to their own future, a vacuum was left behind in the own time. Mutant threats still existed, including Magneto, and while other heroes such as the Avengers and the Fantastic Four were a match for them when need be, they had so many other villains of their own to face that frequently, the activities of the Brotherhood and other such villains went unchallenged. Xavier tried to locate new X-Men as soon as possible, of course---he’d found several promising young candidates with Cerebro from across the globe, from Ireland to Kenya to Japan---but it would take time to recruit and train them. Time that he, that humanity, did not have. It was time to call on his other student, his last student. . .and his first. Sage. Charles Xavier had met Sage---though she was not called that then---in Afghanistan, years ago, where the young girl had saved his life, and that of another man. A mutant man named Sebastian Shaw. Charles had not yet formed his X-Men yet, but the idea was already in his head. He offered both of them a place with him. The girl accepted. The man refused. Years later, Xavier’s intel, which had been keeping track of Shaw---not for any crime, he had been a good man when Xavier met him, but still a powerful mutant that must be watched---reported he had been accepted into the Hellfire Club. The Hellfire Club was not an evil organization per se, merely a social club for the super-rich, where they could come and rub shoulders with people of their own calibre. But, unbeknowst to most members, and to the world, there were a select few within each branch, an Inner Circle, dedicated to world domination not through theatrical open supervillainy, but subtle political and economic control. These people were not mutants, nor directly attacking others, so Xavier let them be, focusing on far more pressing matters, but he knew the truth of them, and the fact that Shaw, a powerful mutant with a brilliant mind---and, when Xavier had met him, a noble soul---was in their corruptive midst was. . .concerning. So he sent the girl, now called Sage and trained as the ultimate spy, to serve Shaw, to gain his trust, and to report back to Xavier upon his activities. And the things she reported so far were. . .concerning, but not alarming. Shaw had been accepted into the Inner Circle, as Xavier had known he would be---and rather hoped he would be, since it would give Tessa, as Shaw called her, access to the information within it---and he had found other mutants there, including none other than Emma Frost, a telepath that Xavier had run across before. They were allies now, apparently. Which made Shaw even more important to win over, since where he went, perhaps his new ‘friends’ would as well. So Xavier had reached out to Shaw, after all these years, and Tessa helped persuade the latter to grant an audience to the former. But alas, he was uninterested in Xavier’s offer when they did meet. “Are you mad?” said Shaw from across the table. He was still the hulking figure that Xavier remembered, though his form was now constrained by far finer attire and his face bedecked with far more lines. “Why should I risk myself and my assets to join in some fight against Magneto and his idiot ilk? I’m a businessman, not a superhero.”

It seemed it was not merely his appearance that had changed. Sage had informed Xavier of this fact, but it was disappointing to witness in person all the same. “You are a mutant, as is he” Xavier began, “And so is he our duty to protect humanity from--” “Balderdash!” Shaw cut him off, “Would you recruit a Japanese American to guard Pearl Harbor out of obligation because he shares a gene with those who attacked it? That’s the same logic humans use to blame all of us for the actions of some! I have no “duty” to strangers, Charles, least of all for such an asinine reason! No one---human or mutant---deserves anything from me! Not on the basis of my powers, or my eye color, or my race, or anything else merely an accident of birth, not my own self-determination as a man.” Seeing that this approach would not yield fruit, Xavier tried another. “Then, as a businessman, are you not concerned with the fact that the destruction wreaked by Magneto and others like him may threaten your assets? Your factories, the buildings where you conduct business, the buildings of your partners, are these not all at risk?” “If Magneto causes significant losses to other businesses, they likely can no longer afford to do business with Shaw Industries, as they will need to redirect money towards repairs,” Tessa pointed out. She could not overtly support Xavier, so as not to arouse Shaw’s suspicions of where her true loyalties lay, only subtly push him by acting, as ever, the neutral-minded data calculator. “Pfft,” Shaw waved a meaty, hairy-knuckled hand, “If the cost of repairs is so significant to them that’s an issue, they’re not on the level of people I do business with in the first place. What’s more, destruction can be profited from---Shaw Industries specializes in heavy machinery and machine parts, like those that will be NEEDED for the repairs! Magneto is a fool, but if anything, he’s giving ME opportunities---and has had the sense not to try to rope me into his idiocy as you have! Come, Tessa---we’re done here.” In the end, it was not Xavier who convinced Shaw to join him. Nor was it Sage. It was Magneto. By next month, Shaw had returned, bringing along none other than Emma Frost and a gravity-controller named Harry Leland, and told Xavier that they were allies from now until Magneto was dead. Xavier did not ask why. He simply accepted. Tessa informed him behind the scenes of what had happened----Magneto had attacked the Hellfire Club, berating it for being an elitist, corrupt institution that fostered the worst of humanity’s greed and apathy towards those they saw as beneath them. Lourdes Chantel, Shaw’s beloved fiancee and ironically a mutant herself, had perished in the assault, impaled brutally while trying to save Sebastian. Ned Buckman, Paris Seville, and the rest of the human Inner Circle had been slaughtered as well. And upon investigating their office, computers, and correspondences after their death, Tessa had found that if they had not died, they would have been the next threat to Shaw and his cohorts----they had been working with Stephen Lang, an anti-mutant bigot who was head of a federal research about mutants and how to combat them. The Inner Circle was providing him funding. . .and in return, he was going to let Ned Buckman, Sebastian’s trusted friend who had inducted him as Black Bishop, use his Sentinels to eliminate the mutants in their ranks, including Sebastian himself. Tessa told Xavier this. But she had kept it from Sebastian, letting him believe that the man Magneto had murdered was his friend. After all, if he found out that Buckman had planned such a betrayal, he might well decide to take Magneto’s place after he had taken vengeance for Lourdes. The experienced Hellfire Club combined with the new recruits for the X-Men proved a force that not even Magneto and his Brotherhood could face, nor any foe that they came across. While Shaw and the Hellfire Club were still not inclined to any kind of altruism, they maintained an alliance with Xavier even after Magneto’s final defeat. And with Tessa there to always find SOME way that a mission would benefit Sebastian financially or personally, he ended up joining them on quite a few, as did Harry and Emma. Xavier grew to consider them his students, not in the use of their powers but in learning how to overcome their own selfish personalities for the greater good. They were even issued uniforms, though Emma had a few choice words for hers before making personal modifications. The road was not always a smooth one. Nor did it have an end; there was no point where these selfish, amoral people became purehearted paragons of virtue with entirely noble motives. But there was. . .progress, however small, and for that, both Tessa and Xavier shared a secret pride. . . and relief. The X-Men continued to grow, and one of the new ‘hires’ was a man known only as Wolverine. His past was mysterious, even to him, and Xavier’s telepathy, despite being the most potent in the world, still could not uncover it all. But Tessa’s unparalleled skills as a researcher and data gatherer, combined with the resources of the Hellfire Club, could. She traced his origins back to a secret government project codenamed Weapon Plus, which was devoted to creating super-soldiers to serve good old Uncle Sam. Wolverine was the result of the tenth attempt, Weapon X, which Canada had participated in as a joint venture, hence his national origin. But they had gone far, far beyond that now. Sage discovered that their current base of operations was “The World”, a facility in Britain that warped time to grow and develop an entire civilization solely for the production of super-soldiers. The result was to be a team called the Super-Sentinels, a mutant-hunting team of "superheroes" with a base in a Weapon Plus space station, which would commercialize the genocide of mutants to make it that much more palatable to the public. Needless to say, the X-Men, Hellfire Club included, had other plans. Their combined forces stormed The World, freeing its inhabitants---those who did not try to kill them, at least. Among them was Charlie Cluster 7, or, as he came to be known---Fantomex. With nowhere else to go, he resided at the school, where he became a student. Like the Hellfire Club, it was not training with his powers that he needed, but to learn how to be a human being regardless. He knew of humanity only through television, but the Hellfire Club soon began giving him opportunities to immerse himself in the creme de la creme of human society, passing himself off as an eccentric foreigner---a Frenchman named Jean-Phillipe Charles. Despite being raised in what was technically England, and rescued by English-speaking Americans, Fantomex was a vehemently avowed Francophile, insisting upon learning the language and even affecting a heavy accent. Shaw and Emma found this most grating, but, alas, they were themselves in no position to make complaints about someone faking--or covering--an accent. Speaking of Shaw and Emma, while it was Emma who had initially suggested Jean-Phillipe’s immersion in humanity via the cultured and upscale Hellfire events---”You want to learn from the RIGHT people, darling, after all”-- it ended up being Shaw whose presence he gravitated towards, and Shaw found himself with the faux-Frenchman suddenly upon his arm in many of these. Shaw assumed he was just trying to be close to ape his behavior instead of Emma’s, since he was a man and thus it made more sense to mimic him. Turned out, Fantomex wanted to do a lot more. Long story short, this was how everyone found out that not only was E.V.A. a sentient spaceship and Fantomex’s external nervous system, she also served a sort of. . . womb . . .intended by Weapon Plus for Fantomex to propagate new super-soldiers with the DNA of mutants who proved worthy adversaries during his intended quest to eliminate them. And, reacting to his attraction to Shaw, E. V. A obtained a DNA sample from him, and once her systems found it indeed worthy, she went about creating and incubating the two new beings. Shaw was hardly happy when he found out---he didn’t want more child support bills, dammit!---but everyone else agreed he was NOT allowed to try to terminate the creatures, for they were mutant babies regardless of how they came about. “Oh, I see,” Shaw had grumped, “A woman has the “right to choose” but when it’s ME---” “Well, you are certainly welcome to try,” Fantomex invited, and his smirk was obvious even beneath his white mask, “I warn you, though,---E.V.A. is ze proverbial mama bear.” Shaw did try, several times, and found out EXACTLY that. When the twins were at last “born”---ejected from the techno-organic egg sacs in which E.V.A. was nurturing them within herself---and everyone had a look at them, it was plain they were not just pale, but albinistic. “Leucostic, actually,” Fantomex corrected Harry Leland’s observation, “Leucostic is similar to albinism, but zee animal has black eyes, rather zen red. I say “animal” because it normally does not exist in humans. But, neither do psychic abilities, which E.V.A informs me they will develop in early puberty. Ze original programming for my offspring is to grow at an accelerated rate and manifest powers quite early, but she was able to suppress this aspect of their coding, so that they may have more normal lives.” “Oh yes, because looking like the contents of a teen boy’s sock is going to allow them SUCH a normal life anyway,” Shaw snorted, crossing his arms, “So they’re unnaturally pale and they have psychic powers---are you sure it isn’t EMMA’S genes that your little pet scooped up instead?” “E.V.A is a partner, *Sébastien*, not a pet,” Fantomex corrected smoothly, as he had many times, “And these are indeed, alas, your children by genetics. But zey shall not be in any other sense. Fond as I am of your cantankerous charm and beefy appendages, zee fact is some of us are not cut out to be fathers---myself included.” “Xavier says you’ve arranged to have them raised in France,” Shaw stated, sounding disdainful in an of-course-you-did way. “Oui. After all, how can mon infants be anyzhing but French, like myself?” Shaw simply groaned slightly, and everyone else shared the sentiment. But, they were Jean-Phillipe’s children, and since Shaw, as the co-father, technically had no objections, the aforementioned arrangements were carried out. The twins, whom he named Manon and Maxime, were brought up in France, and while for their own safety Jean-Phillipe was not the one to do it, he was around, and honest with them about his relationship to them, if omitting the exact details of how their conception differed from the norm. And Shaw, despite his claimed disinterest in the pair, did visit occasionally, if only out of curiosity in how his offspring was developing, though he found them as disappointing as Shinobi---what horribly normal insipid little snots! Yet, they seemed to like him nonetheless, perhaps because he did not mistreat them as he had used to do to Shinobi. He had. . .learned a little better, by now. That, and Fantomex would have trounced him for it, not that Shaw would admit that part. The twins were not aware that he was their other parent. But they did know, because Fantomex told them every time they asked about their mother, that both their parents (he was careful never to say *maman*) had been students at Xavier’s, just like they soon would be. They couldn't wait.

#fantomex #manon and maxime #fic #writing #crack #out of shirt

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andrewmoocow · 4 years

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Steven Universe: The Fantastic Mutants chapter 4: The Deadpool and Peridot Show (originally posted on August 29, 2020)

AN: Welcome back to The Fantastic Mutants everyone. This is a very special chapter because here I have a co-writer, whether I like it or not.

Surprise everyone, it's me Deadpool! Since this kid refuses to get his writing done quickly, I've taken it upon myself to "help" him out since no one can understand me better than me. Now then, back to my cohost here.

Yes, Deadpool of all people has decided to help me. Though I'd rather do all of this myself without any distractions.

Kinda like how this author's note is distracting us from the actual main event! Now let's just get this rolling already!

We begin on a talk show set in a blank white space, inhabited solely by a drop-dead handsome mercenary dressed in a beautiful shade of red with hints of black that was currently tearing it apart for no good reason. You know him, you love him, it's the sexiest anti-hero to have ever graced this dying industry, Deadpool.

"Thank you, thank you all!" yours truly bowed for an unseen audience as he finished tearing the set apart. "Now if all y'all have been lying under a rock since like, I don't know, '91, I am known as Wade Winston Wilson. I was created by Rob Liefeld and Fabian Niecieza for The New Mutants #98 in February 199-"

"Wade, I believe everyone knows who you are already." My white thinky-box, represented by a bold underline, cut me off. "You're already an Internet legend and of course, there's Ryan Reynolds."

"Can we just can the prologue already?" my yellow thinky-box, also represented by underlining but this time it was in italics. "There's gotta be people coming here solely for us who don't know what's going on."

"Okay wiseguys, you asked for it." the man who looked like a cross between Ryan Reynolds and a Shar-Pei underneath that creepily adorable mask replied. "So in case you guys are just joining us, this is a crossover with the modern classic with some of the most psycho fans in the Internet, Steven Universe." I explained. "Last chapter, our smol sunshine baby of a protagonist was kidnapped by the Master of Magnetism Magneto for some most likely evil science experiment by our favorite evil dictator with a superiority complex to compliment his tiny dick, Doctor Doom. In response, the Crystal Gems have decided that they need more hands on deck, and more characters than this story already needs."

"What does he want this to be, the DC Extended Universe?"

"I'd watch that mouth if I were you buddy." I called the dialogue box out. "Our author here has had experiences with those fans. If that Englishman can think he's free to call MCU fans Marvel Zombies, than he's free to have his own opinion. But someone that fanatical deserves to be called something similar, like a DCheep! Get it, because he's a sheep!"

"Can we please move on? This recap has already taken up two pages and I got real-life things to do." The author begged Wade.

"Okay, okay! Let's get this started already, keep your pants on!" the masked macho-man declared, marching off stage in an alluring fashion. "Cue scenery!"

Not too far from Westchester County, there was a shitty apartment where dwelled the hideously scarred human mutate, Wade Wilson. He was out like a light after the badass battle to the death he totally had last night, no joke. Not even a chimichanga could wake him up, and he didn't care that much for them. Yeah, no joke.

"Come on you sack 'a crap, wake up!" his blind, black, elderly roommate Blind Al groaned while fishing Wade out of bed with a snow shovel. "How much off-screen carnage puts you this much to sleep?"

"Enough for readers to get a glimpse of what I do in my spare time." Deadpool declared as he woke up, looking like he had a fantastic night's sleep. "Morning Al, off to do a crossover, see ya later!" he hurriedly greeted the old woman before leaving his room.

"Should I tell him he's not wearing pants?" Al muttered to herself. "Naw, he'll figure it out himself."

And figure it out he did. Immediately after that scene, Deadpool was wandering around the street fully clothed and ready to get this chapter over with.

"So, can we have our co-stars please show themselves?"

The author complied by dropping Connie, Peridot, Lapis Lazuli, Bismuth and Nephrite into the scene. "Wait, how did we get here?" Peridot wondered aloud. "And who are you?"

"Ooh, I get to hang with everyone's favorite character!" Deadpool cheered. "I've been writing up jokes about the fans I've been wanting to say for quite a while." He added to the readers while searching his hammerspace for cue cards. "Let me see, Molotov cocktail, big-ass cartoon bomb, reminder to sue Marvel & Capcom for leaving me out of Infinite, God knows how many machine guns."

"Uh, while you're looking for whatever it is you want, let me introduce myself." Connie introduced herself. "My name is Connie, pleased to meet you."

"Hey, can you put your cue-card search on hold and say hi to the kid?"

"Ah, here they are!" Deadpool declared as he fished a series of flashcards from seemingly his butt. "Been wanting to do this for ages." He said before clearing his throat, and he began to read off of them.

"Here are some complaints I have heard about Steven Universe. Complaint #1: literally no one can stay on-model because storyboarding is the devil. Complaint #2: Rebecca Sugar is a total butchphobic abuse supporter because she treats Jasper like crap and lets Lapis off the hook despite the fact that she's even worse."

"Please note that these are clearly not the opinions of the author. He's just been around Tumblr a lot and knows just how these so-called 'fans' think."

"Who said that?" Bismuth wondered aloud. "Oh hey, Bismuth!" Wade exclaimed as he just took notice of her. "That reminds me, Complaint #3: Making Bismuth an antagonist in any way, shape or form is racist because all minorities are pretty little angels than must be defended at all costs despite the facts that we're all human beings who have the potential to be complete balls to the wall sociopathic!"

"Okay, now you're just being used as a mouthpiece for the author. Hey buddy, can you stop him by introducing your version of the X-Force?!"

As a way to shut him up, the writer dropped the X-Force into the current scene on top of Deadpool. Their members, aside from Wilson, consisted of big names like Cable, Domino, Bob & Psylocke, to those who are only familiar to movie-watchers like Copycat, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Yukio, Bedlam & Shatterstar, and even Outlaw & Fantomex!

"How did we get here?" Cable asked the other black-ops mutants as he got up. "Oh hey Natey, knew you'd come along sooner or later!" Wade greeted his cybernetic compadre. "I was just getting myself introduced to these characters that we'll be paired up with for this crossover."

"Hi, I'm Bob, Wade's best friend!" the HYDRA agent Bob cheerfully introduced himself. "Name's Domino." Neena Thurman responded.

"A pleasure to meet you, dearest jeune fille bleue." Fantomex greeted Lapis in a gentlemanly fashion. "You may call me Fantomex. "

"Charmed." Lapis replied.

"Wow, everyone wants Lapis! First Fandral, and now Fanto."

"Can you blame her? She's the writer's fave and top SU waifu! Favoritism much?"

"Name's Negasonic Teenage Warhead." Ellie Phimster introduced herself. "This here is Yukio." She added gesturing to a Japanese girl with pink hair and a big smile. "Hi there!"

"I'm Wade's girlfriend Vanessa, though a lot of people call me Copycat since that's my power." Vanessa stated. "Yeah, totally original."

"Call me Bedlam." Bedlam stated. "And this here is Shatterstar. Unlike the rest of us, he's an alien from the Mojoverse."

"And finally, these are Outlaw and Psylocke." Shatterstar gestured to the cowgirl and the ninja in the one piece. "Nice to meet ya." Inez Temple greeted. "Indeed." Betsy Braddock added.

"So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?" Deadpool asked Connie. "Don't give too much away, cause I already got a basic knowledge of what happened last chapter."

"Chapter?" Connie tilted her head in confusion. "Steven was kidnapped only an hour ago! What do you think this is, some kind of story?"

"You'd be surprised Girl-Who-Wasn't-Actually-Dressed-As-Gohan-In-That-One-Episode." The Merc with a Mouth grinned underneath his mask. Before anyone could move on however, a stereotypical overweight nerd who looks like he doesn't get out much wheeled in on an automated scooter with a plate of brownies in front of him. "And you are?"

"I am simply an SU Critical that wants to congratulate you for making my voice heard." The nerd congratulated Deadpool. "As a way of saying thanks, have some brownies."

"I get it! Deadpool won some brownie points!"

"Don't explain the joke dumbass. The punchline should be coming up now."

As Wade snacked on the brownies, he came to realize something was wrong with them. "Hey wait a second. Yo, stereotype! Why do these brownies taste like literal dogshit?!"

"That's my secret ingredient!" the nerd revealed, much to Wade's disgust and he angrily tossed the brownies on the ground. "It's to symbolize how I believe Steven Universe has gone bad ever since the barn arc ended since absolutely nothing can compare to the amazing character development Peridot got!"

"Oh, it's so nice to see someone notice my splendidness!" Peridot blushed as she felt humbled by the nerd. "Of course, then they had to devolve her into a mindless comic relief who only-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING MINDLESS COMIC RELIEF YOU CLOD?!" the small Gem shrieked furiously before she pounced on the basement dweller and began choking him. "I'll teach you to talk back to me immediately after giving my praises you hypocrite!"

As Peridot continued assaulting the nerd, everyone else watched in either shock, bemusement or in Deadpool's case, pride. "I think I want to be her new bestest friend already."

"But I thought we were friends!" Bob weeped sadly while Bedlam gave him a comforting pat on the head.

"And now it's time for a cutaway gag!"

"Cutaway gags? You gotta be kidding me, we're not Family Guy!"

"Just let the writer do his thing man, it's his imagination!"

"Come on Willy, I know you can do it!" a child version of Deadpool called to a whale in a scene that is clearly a reference to a certain all-time classic "Boy and his non-human friend" story. However just as Willy finally leaped over the rock Wade was standing on, he was immediately harpooned in midair and dragged towards a pirate ship manned by Captain Ahab. "Hey, wrong whale story Habbo Hotel!"

"After so many years of searching, that accursed whale is now mine to profit off!" Ahab and his crew celebrated their capture. "I'm talking sequels and an animated series to start, but the sky's the limit!"

"This ain't the last you'll see of me Old Thunder!" Wade cursed the sea captain as he made off with his prize. "I'll bring that whale home, just you wait!"

"Okay, that's a pretty unique idea for a gag. But seriously, back to the show."

"So, we're here because Magneto has kidnapped Steven with a bunch of Sentinels." Connie recapped to Deadpool while they were out and about in the city. "Now that you know what we're doing, can you tell us what you do?"

"I'm glad you asked Connie." Deadpool declared. "Allow me to explain the only way you Steven Universe characters probably know how. IN SONG!"

"Wait, a musical number, in a fanfiction?! Seriously?!"

"Hey shut it, this is gonna be good!"

"Lights please." Wade announced, shutting off the lights with a snap of his fingers, and turning them back on with another snap. He was now dressed as an Elvis impersonator with Cable, Domino, Bob and Copycat as his band. "What song do you plan on playing?" Vanessa asked her boyfriend.

"Just watch and listen." Wade responded, and began playing a parody of a classic movie song. "Here I go!" he started singing while Cable provided backup on the drums. "Woo! Ah-ha, ah-ha, let me show you what I work with!"

"Well Gambit was in league with a bunch of thieves, Cyclops has almost two thousand tales!" For his first act of insanity, the Regenerating Degenerate made about fifty longboxes filled with comics appear for Peridot & Lapis to rifle through. As soon as they discovered one with Wade fighting a vampire bat creature on the cover titled "Deadpool: The Gauntlet," the Deadpool on the cover continued the song.

"Well my friends, you're in luck cause up your sleeves, you got a kind of guy that never fails!" After Deadpool emerged from the issue Peridot was holding, he shot down various villains emerging from the other comics while singing.

"You got a real badass in your corner now, a real Wolverine type in your camp!" he then demonstrated by transforming his face into that of Logan's and then back again before letting bullets rain from above. "He can shoot, kablam! Bullets galore, all you gotta do is say my name!" Wade crooned. "And I'll say: 'Miss Peridot and Lapis Lazuli, what will your pleasure be?'"

As he sat the Gems down on a beach blanket, Deadpool then assumed pirate attire and set a heavy treasure chest on the ground. "Just give me a guy and I'll shoot him down, you ain't had a mercenary like me!"

Peridot began to excitedly open the chest while Lapis rolled her eyes. "Life's like a treasure chest," Wade's disembodied voice continued. When the treasure box was opened, the mercenary exploded out of it and made gold fly everywhere. "AND I'M GONNA BE YOUR KEY!"

Unlike her smaller partner, Lapis was still not amused. "C'mon, whisper to me what you want," Wade kept crooning, followed by splitting himself into four smaller Deadpools. "You ain't had a mercenary like me!"

"Contractors pride ourselves on service." One of the mini-Wades stated, and then they merged into the prime Wilson while spawning a lavish couch for his two guests. "You girls the hoss, the queens, the Shah! No matter what you wish, I'll be your bitch! How 'bout a few chimichangas?"

"Have some of Sample A, try all of Sample B!" Following the chimichanga rain, Peridot and Lapis were handed free samples at a supermarket before they found themselves on a velvet pillow held by Wade. "Anytime, any day, I'll help you babes. You ain't had a mercenary like me!"

A brief dance number then ensued between Deadpool and his hands. His left hand vocalized and the degenerate replied with an "Oh my!" When the right hand started singing, it was responded with "No no!" Both hands harmonized and they got a "Ha ha ha!" They sandwiched Deadpool between them as he peaced out with a "Zip-a-dee doo-dah!"

When Deadpool returned, he pointed straight at Peridot. "Give me a good badda-yadda-yadda!"

"Badda-yadda-yadda!" Peridot excitedly repeated. "Good, scotty-wop!" Wade then pointed to Lapis. Her reply was more unsure. "Uh, scotty-wop?"

"Everybody now!" Deadpool compelled the readers. "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!"

"Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!" the readers answered excitedly.

"Yeah, y'all got it!" Wade congratulated before proceeding to demonstrate his healing factor. "Can your friends do this?" he asked, casually dislocating his arms. "Can your friends do that?" he added, ripping out his spinal cord to bounce on it like a certain stuffed tiger. "Can your friends pull this?" With that, Wade tore his skeleton out of his body and started dancing the Charleston with it. "Out a little hat?!"

Suddenly, Wade's skeleton started filling itself with dynamite sticks on the verge of exploding. "CAN YOUR FRIENDS GO-" The human mutate was interrupted as the TNT exploded, and the clouds gave way to him beatboxing while doing a silly dance.

"Call me the Merc with a Mouth, I am always there. North, West, East and South! So don't sit there slackjawed, all buggy-eyed! I'm here to answer all ya evening prayers!" he continued. "You got me bona-fide certified! A hired gun for your charge affair!"

"I got a powerful urge to help you out! So who's gonna die? I really need to know!" Deadpool said as the song began to reach its climax while pulling a long strip of paper from Peridot's mouth and began rubbing his bottom with it. "You got a list that's three miles long no doubt. So all you gotta do is pay-wayho!"

For the final setpiece, Peridot and Lapis now stood atop a mountain of dead Marvel characters that are so obscure, not even the most hardcore fans knew a thing about them. "Miss Peridot and Lapis Lazuli, what will your pleasure be?" Wade asked tunefully. Peridot then picked up one body, and its head suddenly turned into Deadpool's. "Anytime anyplace, I'll help you babes."

A few bodies rose from the dead, only for Deadpool to shoot them all down. "You ain't had a mercenary, never had a mercenary." He concluded. "You ain't had a mercenary, never had a mercenary."

Bullets once again began raining, along with all sorts of violent weapons as the song finally ended. "YOU AIN'T, HAD A, MERCE-NARY LIIIII-IIIIIKE MEEEEE!"

With the X-Force performing a kickline to finish things off, Deadpool pulled on a string dangling from above. "You ain't had a mercenary like me!" A flickering neon applause sign dropped down, capping off the rather pointless number.

"Well, that was a waste of time that'll never be spoken of again."

"Sincerest apologies to Alan Menken, Howard Ashman and especially Robin Williams. He would've been 69 this year. NICE!"

"Okay you generic-looking monster, time to discover who you truly are!" Connie declared to a captured Sasquatch while she, Peridot, Deadpool, Lapis and Cable were dressed as a certain band of meddling kids and their voracious canine pal. Connie ripped off the Sasquatch's head to reveal that it was a mask worn by an evil parrot with a scar across his face.

"Zoinks! Like, it's a parrot!" Deadpool declared in a beatnik voice. "Wait, a parrot? Is that all?"

"Far from it mein friends!" the parrot answered in a German accent. Suddenly, large robots kicked the walls around them down. "Behold, my Nazi robots!"

"N-Nazi robots?" Lapis stuttered. "Jeepers, this is just getting too weird."

Deadpool then glanced expectantly at Cable, who groaned while pushing up his glasses. "C'mon Cabey, say the line!" he exhorted the cyborg. With a heavy groan, Cable quietly said "Jinkies, run."

"He's right, let's split up gang!" Connie commanded, and the crew were off to the races. After passing by the same flowerpot approximately five times because there wasn't that much in the budget, the five came across a hallway littered with doors.

When Deadpool and Peridot burst into one door, they came out of another not too faraway, same with the others. However at the end of a door, they came across a blue digital ghost with yellow eyes & teeth and a grainy laugh.

"Ruh roh, rit's Rames Rarles the Rindly Rohnny!" Peridot exclaimed, making every word she spoke begin with R before she coughed. "How does anyone speak like this?" she asked Wade. "Because speech impediments are funny!" the mercenary replied. "Now let's move!"

"Seriously, why can't I be Fred?!" Cable complained while emerging from another door with Deadpool by his side instead of Lapis. "Connie gets the cool ascot, and all I'm left with is this bulky sweater and a short skirt!"

"Well for one, that skirt actually looks pretty cute on you." Wade answered with a stupidly cheeky grin on his face. Before anyone else could charge through more doors, zombie cats and dinosaurs that could move without thinking came charging in. "Wow, Scooby-Doo became a lot weirder than when I was a youngin."

Returning to the real world, the Crystal Temps and the X-Force have just plowed through an entire armed squadron inhabiting a conveniently abandoned office building and now had their leader tied up in a chair. "We ain't gonna let all those hallway fights amount to nothing!" Wade declared holding the squadron leader at gunpoint. "We've tried every torture technique in the book: eating your own food, threatening your family, doing a silly dance to some awesome music and yet still you won't talk!" he exclaimed. "So let me ask this again! What does the guy who gave Magneto & Doctor Doom those Sentinels look like?"

"What?" the gunman asked nervously, causing Wade to smash another wall. "WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU FROM?!" the mercenary shrieked. "What?" the captive continued squeaking. "WHAT AIN'T NO COUNTRY I EVER HEARD OF!" Deadpool yelled. "THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN WHAT?!"

"What?" the man said a third time. "ENGLISH MOTHER-" Deadpool began, but then he noticed the T-rating and groaned. "ENGLISH YOU BASTARD, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!" he reiterated. "YES!" the gunman finally said something other than what. "THEN YOU MUST KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Deadpool kept yelling. "WHAT DOES YOUR MASTER LOOK LIKE?!"

"We could just beat the info outta him and be done with it." Bedlam advised. "No need for all this Pulp Fiction parody crap."

"Was I talking to you?" Wade asked his teammate tersely before going back to his captive. "Now where was I? Oh yeah! Does he look like a bitch?"

"Now you're just skipping lines!" the gunman squealed in defiance. "What else do you wanna do with me?!"

"Okay, I got another question for you." Wade stated. "Have you had your prostate exam lately?"

"What?" the gunman muttered, fearing what could come next. "In fact, I got just the girl to help me." Wade declared. "Hey Connie, your MILF of a mom is a doctor right? Surely you must know what I'm talking about!"

"Yeah, pretty much!" Connie answered. "Here, lend me your sword. We might need to operate." Deadpool said as he menacingly snapped on a pair of rubber gloves. "Hey author, why don't we cut to another scene before this gets too violent?"

"Now then, what are we working with he-There it is!"

"AUGH!"

Elsewhere, a stereotypical shadowy figure watched from a large video screen as the X-Force tore through his mercenaries. "That masked maniac is onto us!" he growled quietly while pounding his fist on an armrest and turned his chair to face Ruckus, Gorgeous George, Hairbag, Ramrod & Slab, the Nasty Boyz. "You five track him & those rainbow women down and kill them all!"

"Yes sir." The Nasty Boyz complied and set off for the Merc with a Mouth. "Now where do you suppose the merc could be now?" Hairbag asked his fellow Boyz. "My best guess, he's probably at that Hellhouse run by Patch." the Southern-accented Slab theorized. "Hopefully they have room for his head as a trophy."

"Well here we are at Saint Margaret's School for Wayward Children." Deadpool decreed as he suddenly parked a limo that he totally always had in front of the mercenary dispatch center he loved frequenting. "I suggest you try not to look at some of its inhabitants funny, some of them can get a little ballistic."

Entering the bar, the two teams had all eyes on them by all the other mercs at the establishment. "Uh, hello there." Connie nervously greeted one of them. "I don't think you're old enough to be here little girl." The mercenary replied ominously. "Don't worry Jessica, they're with me." Deadpool told the larger man. "So, where's Weasel?"

"Right here old buddy!" the bespectacled bartender called for Wade. "Hey, Weasel!" Wade exclaimed to his old friend while sitting down at the bar and exchanging a fistbump. "I see you're doing well Poolboy." Weasel said to his friend. "And who's the green midget with you?"

"This is Peridot, a member of the Crystal Gems." Shatterstar introduced Peridot. "Oh, you mean those rock ladies that creamed those Chitauri only to get creamed by Thanos?" Weasel asked, making Peridot pretty mad. "Hey, we creamed Thanos right back!"

"We're looking for information sir." Connie said to Weasel. "A friend of mine has been captured by Magneto & Doctor Doom using those Sentinel robots, and we want to know where they've come from."

"You want confidential info little girl?" the barkeep stated. "Go see Multiple Man over there at that poker table, he's usually the guy to talk to since he's a detective."

"Yet one mystery he can't solve is the mystery of why he can never get his own movie."

"ZING!"

At a nearby poker table, Jamie Madrox and some of his duplicates were playing cards with the albino mutant Caliban, and the four Jamies clearly had the upper hand. "All in!" one of the clones declared shoving his chips into the pot. "I know you are cheating Madrox." Caliban informed his opponent. "I mean, there are literally four of you!"

Just then, Deadpool abruptly shot one of the clones dead and sat down where he once was. "Deal me in." he simply declared as if nothing happened. "Caliban welcomes you Mr. Pool." Caliban nervously greeted the regenerating degenerate. "And who is your little friend?"

"You may call me Peridot, the suave, attractive and positively adorable leader of the Crystal Gems!" Peridot introduced herself arrogantly. "So, you more members of the X-Men? Haven't seen you around the mansion."

"Actually, we're members of a different team of mutants." Madrox replied, while his surviving doubles sadly carried their dead comrade away. "There are actually quite a lot of them you see. X-Factor; the one we're a part of, X-Statix, Excalibur, Generation X, the Morlocks and most famously Alpha Flight."

"Half of them sound so late 20th to early 21st century." Peridot commented. "I mean, X-Statix? Talk about totally cool dudes!"

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Is this Saint Margaret's? We'd like to have a word with the owner." A voice came from the other side, catching all the patrons and employees off-guard. All was quiet, but then the Nasty Boyz came crashing through the wall instead of the door. "LET'S GET NASTY!" they all cried out, springing into action.

"Alright, what the shit is going on here?!" Bob "Patch" Stirrat, the elderly owner of Saint Margaret's growled, emerging from another room while stroking his big bushy mustache. "Oh god, it's the Nasty Boyz."

"The Nasty Boyz?" Peridot and Lapis repeated in unison before they laughed at the evil mutant team's name. Suddenly, the wood tables of the bar came to life and changed their form thanks to Ramrod, who used them to restrain everyone aside from Deadpool. "Okay boys, frisk him."

On Ramrod's orders, Gorgeous George used his shapeshifting powers to grab Wade by the ankles and dangle him above the ground. "Let's see what he's got here." Ruckus muttered, fishing through the belongings dropped as Wade was shaken up and down. "Various pistols, swords, nunchucks, staves, forks, a bazooka."

"Most of those were from a Ninja Turtles convention I went to last year." Wade revealed. "Don't know where the bazooka came from."

"Rubber chicken, five month old bag of pizza pockets; that are still warm," Slab continued for his teammate. "Ryan Reynolds's phone number, large collection of nude selfies from Thumbelin-WHAT?!"

To Slab's absolute shock and fury, he found an overfilled file of lewd pictures taken by his sister Kristina Anderson with her phone number on it, along with a message saying "I bet you want more, my raging sex machine!" Crushing the file in his hand, Slab furiously glared at Deadpool. "Wilson, you son of a bitch!"

"Geez Chris, I thought you had a sense of humor." Wade grinned cheekily. "After all, SHE'S YOUR SISTER!" Then like Thor returning Mjolnir to his hand, the mercenary wiggled his fingers to call one of his katana blades back and free himself from Gorgeous George before rescuing his friends. "SSSSSSmokin'!" he hissed before spin-dashing out of the bar.

"After that degenerate!" Hairbag exclaimed while Slab frothed in wordless rage and the Boyz gave chase, leaving the bar in tatters. "Hey, which of you assholes is gonna clean this up?!" Patch exclaimed, but then he answered his own question by handing Weasel a broom.

"Everyone, to the Deadpoolmobile!" Deadpool exclaimed as the X-Force and Crystal Temps piled into the limousine from earlier. "Where did you ever get this car anyways?" Bismuth asked him, and he replied. "Don't think about it!"

Far across the city, Robert Kelly was left facepalming and a colleague of his scratching his head when they discovered that one of Kelly's limos was missing, its place taken by a graffiti message saying "I O U".

"I hate that Deadpool." Senator Kelly groaned.

"You get back here this instant you red-masked c-" Slab called for Deadpool as the Nasty Boyz chased them in a stolen taxi, but his cursing was cut off by Deadpool popping out the sunroof of the limousine to open fire on them.

"Wait, if Deadpool is up there, then who is driving?" Connie asked the group, and that's when Yukio made a shocking realization. "Oh my god, Demon Bear is driving!" she exclaimed pointing to a demonic bear that was taking the wheel. "How can that be?!"

"That's right folks, Lawrence Abrams is here to report that the insanely infamous insane mercenary Deadpool has started an intense car chase where he's hijacked a limo belonging to Senator Robert Kelly and is being chased by a group of other mutants called the Nasty Boyz." Lawrence Abrams said on the television at the Baxter Building, where Garnet, Pearl, Colossus and Wolverine had now caught wind of the event. "And there's also some kinda bear driving the limo for some reason. Why's there a bear?! Who gives a damn! And now onto Sally Floyd with politics!"

"Deadpool." Colossus glowered in embarrassment. "Come my friends, we must go and handle this crisis ourselves." He declared while preparing to leave the building. "But you let Connie go on that mission for her optimism." Pearl stated to the metal mutant while setting Reed and Sue's young son Franklin Richards on the floor.

"We know Pearl, but that maniac is a whole 'nother level of unpredictable." Wolverine grumbled. "And there's a high chance Connie's life is at risk here! Right Garnet?"

"Logan is correct. I can see multiple paths where things go horribly wrong." Garnet agreed with Logan. "Oh, you're leaving already?" Franklin's older sister Valeria asked them. "Mom and Dad were just about to introduce you to H.E.R.B.I.E."

"It's alright Valeria, they still have friends to help." Susan assured her daughter. "Go on Gems, we'll catch up with you back at the mansion."

"It's been a pleasure to be shown around the Baxter Building and meeting the kids Sue." Pearl said gratefully and shook the Invisible Woman's hand. "I especially like how Franklin reminds me of Steven."

"Bye Ms. Pearl!" Franklin said goodbye by hugging the tall Gem's leg. "Oh, goodbye to you too Frank." Pearl replied. "Hey, what about me?!" the Four's AI H.E.R.B.I.E exclaimed irritably. "Don't I get anything to say?!"

"Oy Cain, you gotta check this out!" Black Tom called to Juggernaut while he was watching TV. The Brotherhood of Mutants had stopped to refuel their ship and Black Tom had run off on his own when he discovered a TV shop playing the same news report of Deadpool's car chase. "What say we give Deadpool an old one-two before Mags finishes up?"

"You son of a bitch, I'm in!" Juggernaut exclaimed eagerly, giving his teammate a fist-bump that knocked Tom to the ground. "You okay there?"

"We have your limousine surrounded! Come out of the vehicle with your hands in the air!" a police officer barked into a bullhorn as they had Deadpool and pals backed into a corner. "I would make a police brutality joke, but even I know that would be too soon." Wade said to the readers as he screeched the limo to a stop, making donuts on the street and damaging numerous police cars in the process.

"Okay, now you're just either showing off or defying us." The cop with the megaphone japed. Just then, a mighty thud briefly shook the ground. And another. And another. And another. And-

"Quit stalling writer, we know who it is! It's the goddamn Juggernaut!" Deadpool interrupted the third-person omniscient narrator. "Literally everyone and their goddamn long lost relatives know who he is!" The mighty Juggernaut continued inching closer to the fanboying mercenary while the police scattered out of fear of him and Peridot poked her head out the sunroof to see what was up.

"Uh, Wade?" the petite Gem squeaked nervously. "You know who that is right?"

"Didn't I just say that it's ol' Juggernaut?!" Wade exclaimed to his new best friend. "Oh, the things I could say about how much of a badass he is! This guy has beaten the shit outta Cyttorak, the Thing, Colossus, Blob & Thor and even called banging She-Hulk a stalemate! Maybe, that last one was actually a cl-"

Before Deadpool could finish the sentence, Juggernaut grabbed him by the neck with just two fingers and brought him very close to his helmeted face. "Hello Wade." He beamed callously. "Hey Cainy, is that new toothpaste I smell?" Deadpool greeted him nervously. "What flavor is it this time, Feeling Bad About Your Shitty Mutant Powers So You Get New Ones from Cyttorak?"

"Goddamn he went there." Black Tom muttered, only to receive a glare from his partner.

"Deadpool!" Garnet called for the Merc with a Mouth as she, Pearl, Colossus and Wolverine entered the scene. "Oh, hey guys." Peridot nervously waved to her fellow Crystal Gems. "What brings you here?"

"We came here to take control of this current situation." Pearl explained. "No matter how much you want to swear and kill and all sorts of other crass activities, we still need your help in saving a friend of ours."

"I appreciate you want me to be more involved in this story Mordecai," Wade said to Pearl. "but can this wait a bit? I'm currently in the middle of worshipping the Juggernaut, bit-"

However within seconds, Deadpool was mashed into the ground by Juggernaut, leaving only a few scattered body parts lying in a puddle of blood. "Oh, so rude!" his disembodied head declared indignantly. "And to think we were buddies at one time Marky-Mark." He then turned to face the audience one last time before the degenerate would meet his not very possible untimely end. "But since I'm literally nothing but blood, my head, a few fingers, an upper arm and my dick right now, let's lighten the mood a little with some more gags, shall we?"

"As if we didn't waste enough time already."

"I love the smell of 372,844 pancakes in the morning." Deadpool declared as he flipped his last pancake and added it to the growing mountain of pancakes. "Smells like victory!"

"Why on Earth would you need this many pancakes?" Bismuth asked while Deadpool turned on the ceiling sprinklers to pour maple syrup all over each and every one of them at once. "Well, that's pretty clever I'll admit."

"Okay Peridot, ace this test and you're on the team!" Wade, now a coach for the girls' swim team comprised of Lapis, Bismuth, Domino, Warhead, Yukio, Outlaw, Copycat, Psylocke & Nephrite, announced to their soon to be newest member Peridot while she prepared to dive.

"This is it Peri, get this right and you'll make everyone proud!" Peridot muttered to herself while adjusting her cap and gazing at Lapis. As soon as Coach Wade blew the whistle, Peridot leaped into the water…and soon began struggling to keep herself afloat in a very exaggerated manner. "AAAAAGH, SOMEONE HELP! LIFEGUARD, COACH, SOS! THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA!" she shrieked for help before the chlorinated water won out and she sank to the bottom.

"I'll save you!" Cable roared while assuming the role of a lifeguard, preparing to jump in the water after her when Wade stopped him. "No no, wait for the punchline."

When Peridot finally breached the surface, she dramatically gasped for air and then frantically paddled towards the end of the pool, grabbing the ledge with a serious expression on her face. "So, how do you like my swimming?" she asked, acting like nothing had happened. However, no one else was there to answer except for Deadpool. "Hey, where did everyone go?!"

"They jumped ship an hour ago because they were tired of waiting." Wade answered. "But you still get on the team cause you really made me laugh."

"Gotta say Lapis, we got quite a team here." Deadpool remarked proudly to his fellow baseball player Lapis. "Uh, yeah, they're great." Lapis nervously replied while failing to get the joke. "So, who's on first?"

"Yeah, and what's on second." Wade responded eagerly. "No, I want to know who's on first." Lapis continued asking. "Exactly! We already established that who's on first, what's on second and I don't know is third."

"Wait, do you not know their names or are those seriously what they're called?" the ocean Gem asked, causing great irritation for her team captain. "Dammit Lapis, you spoiled the punchline!" he reprimanded her. "In fact, this whole Abbott and Costello tribute was just an excuse to see you dress up as Bob again! I mean, can you blame me with those shorts?"

"Abbott and who now?" Lapis remarked with a raised eyebrow.

"You really need to get out more." Wade deadpanned, lowering his eyelids in response.

"Welcome back one and all to Celebrity Jeopardy." Pearl announced, now dressed as Alex Trebek. "Now before we proceed, I'd like to apologize on the behalf of our contestants to all viewers with rather unusual lifestyles. We here at the studio refuse to judge anyone based on how they live, and sincerely hope you accept our apologies. Now then, let's proceed with our contestants."

Deadpool was in the podium closest to Pearl, now dressed as Sean Connery. "Mr. Connery is in first place with only -1 dollar." Pearl began recapping for the viewers at home. "About as many points as your mother gave you!" Wade cackled.

"Classy." Pearl responded crossly before shining the spotlight on Lewis Black, aka Peridot. "Mr. Black now has a score of, shockingly enough, -6,000 dollars." She explained, prompting the small Gem turned abrasive comedian to climb up on top of her podium in the middle. "Is that enough to buy my own bus?"

"And finally, Josh Brolin, now having raised 35 dollars." Pearl concluded while Juggernaut assumed the role of the aforementioned actor many may know as a certain Mad Titan. "I don't feel so good." Cain muttered. "Damn, walked right into that one!"

"Very well then. With introductions out of the way, let's move onto the board." Pearl stated, moving her eyes from the podiums to the categories. "Tonight our categories are Annals of History, Potent Potables, What Bulls Hit, Jokes, Popular Foreign Television, Places with Names Ending in 'Nia' and Video Games." Deadpool then pressed his buzzer. "Mr. Connery, you have the board."

"I'll take What Bullshit for $500 Al." Wade announced with a stupid grin on his face, clearly misreading the category he had chosen. "And I can tell you plenty of things that are bullshit."

"No, it clearly says What Bulls-" Pearl began to correct the masked contestant before she came to a realization. "Whoa! Okay, walked right into that one. Anyways, the question is: "It is commonly believed bulls are enraged by this color". Mr. Connery?"

"I'll tell you something I've hit recently." Deadpool chortled. "Hit up a few bars over the past week while hanging with your mom. She and I had a wonderful time, if you get what I mean! Wink wink, nudge nudge."

"I don't even have a mother!" Pearl ranted hotly. "And can we please return to what was happening earlier?! These pop culture references are nothing but a waste of time!"

"Thank you!"

"Boldface, you ignorant slut."

"Oh no, Wade!" Peridot yelled for Deadpool as she dashed out the limo to check on the puddle of blood and body parts that was once her new friend. "Please speak to us you clod, you can't die like this!"

"That's because I can't!" Deadpool proudly declared and in a beautiful Disney-like spectacle, slowly reassembled himself until he was the full-bodied lovable manic once again. "Healing factor baby! Got it when some asshole tried to cure my cancer, along with looking like a walking tumor."

"Uh hey, remember us?" the Nasty Boyz cried out in unison, catching the merc's attention. "Oh right, you guys. Gotta wrap up the chapter somehow." As a result, Wade opened fire on the evil mutants, shooting them in the arms, kneecaps and especially their dicks. "Oh and Bismuth, Peridot? You guys got Black Tom & Juggies. I'll take Garnet and Pearl!"

"You got it, I guess." Bismuth complied before she and her little friend squared off with Cassidy & Cain, leaving Wade alone against the senior Crystal Gems.

"Hey, what about us?" Lapis asked the writer, who responded by typing, "Didn't think that far ahead. You guys can just do crowd control."

"Okay Q-Bert and Drinking Bird," Deadpool exclaimed. "you two may have thousands of years of battle experience on your show but in terms of franchise ages, I've been doing this for far longer! There was even a graphic novel trilogy where an actually insane version of me killed the rest of Marvel, tons of classic literature characters and even other versions of me!"

"Do you have any idea what he's saying anymore?" Pearl asked Garnet. "I'm not sure. I fear he may be too unpredictable for us to comprehend!" Garnet answered fearfully. "You can try if you want." Deadpool beckoned them with a silly dance. "But I can assure you that hilarity will ensue!"

Pearl leaped at the Merc with a Mouth, but she was quickly denied a hit when Wade did a pirouette and kicked her in the back, sending her flying into a lamppost. "See, what did I tells ya?!"

Garnet tried her hand at attacking by enlarging her gauntlets & launching them at her foe, but they proved to be useless against him. Deadpool then rapidly fired his gun at Garnet, but she blocked all the bullets with her gauntlets and then finally moved so fast, not even Deadpool could catch her and was punched in the face.

"Wow okay, you got the guts!" Wade yelled while readjusting his head from the hit. "Seems like I really am a bit outmatched by you Garnet. Or maybe a certain someone just wants to make things fair!"

"Come on you maniac, what else can you throw at us?!" Pearl asked pointing her spear. "Oh what else can I throw?" Deadpool replied, letting out a sinister giggle while wearing a pair of shiny glasses and clasping his fingers together. "Let me show you!"

Whipping out his katana blades, Deadpool laughed maniacally while using them to tear the background apart, leaving nothing but a blank white space behind. "WELCOME CRYSTAL GEMS TO MY TURF! I PRESENT TO YOU THE FOURTH WALL, WHERE LOGIC IS JUST AS ILLEGAL AS JAYWALKING!"

"This is starting to remind me of that Uncle person." Pearl muttered in awe. "I thought we promised to never speak of that man again." Garnet instructed the former servant. "Well if he wants to make jokes and talk to the audience, then so can we."

When the two Gems joined hand, there was a bright shimmer as the pair merged into the returning glamorous Sardonyx. "Ladies, gentlemen and everyone in-between, the Gem Hostess with the Mostest has finally returned!" the fusion of Garnet and Pearl announced. "And it seems we have a very special guest star today."

"Sardonyx, huh?" Deadpool muttered while scrolling through the Steven Universe wiki for statistics. "Oh I see, she's here because we can both break the fourth wall!"

"A worthy opponent for you I must say!" Sardonyx chortled before smashing Deadpool in with her hammer. "Of course you realize this means war!" Wade roared, proceeding to whip out numerous cartoon guns, launching them all at once. "RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA-RATA!" he screamed while launching lead at his fusion foe, following up with a declaration of "Omae wa mou shindeiru."

"N-NANI?!" Sardonyx cried out in shock before she spontaneously combusted with a cry of "HIDEBU!" However, the explosion cleared up and she was perfectly fine. "Psyche! Hammer time!"

Before Sardonyx could hit Deadpool with the hammer again, he disappeared into a cartoon hole like it were a solid object and reappeared out another. "Ha, that Spot douche should take notes from-OH GOD!"

"Anyone up for Whack-A-Mole?!" Sardonyx exclaimed, proceeding to whack her opponent multiple times with her hammer before he vanished and popped out another hole. And another, and another, and another, and another, until the hiding began to tire him out. "Jesus she's good." Wade panted, and then he began to make a plan. "I swore that I would never use this the moment I stole it from those schmoes, but I'm left with no choice!"

Sticking a hand up his red-clad butt, Deadpool pulled it out while holding a small black jewel that seemed similar to the Infinity Stones. "Ough, I also swore to never use it again because looking for it is a literal pain in my ass!"

"That Infinity Stone isn't canon!" Sardonyx objected while sounding like a stereotypical nerd. "Oh it may not be canon my dear, but we're in the Fourth Wall where anything could happen." Deadpool explained deviously. "With this Continuity Stone, I could warp all reality to my whims! I could use it to go back in time and erase One More Day by preventing Civil War from happening, or maybe beat the shit outta that Judas Traveller prick and his butt-buddies! But what I plan on doing now is using this stone to erase you from this reality once and for all!"

"Oh no, I don't feel so good!" Sardonyx dramatically announced as she felt herself fading away. "I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world, what a world!" With that, the fusion finally vanished and presumably Garnet & Pearl as well. As Deadpool let out a heavy sigh, he suddenly realized that the Continuity Stone was now missing. "What the?! Where did it go!?"

"Looking for something Ninja Spidey?" a familiar voice rang out. Sardonyx was now back to normal and smugly held the Stone in her hand, setting it down like a golfball and swinging it at Deadpool's eye, causing his body to explode.

"Can I at least get one F-bomb in Mr. Author Man? Please?" Wade begged the author by putting on his best puppy dog eyes until his disembodied head landed in one of Sardonyx's hands. "To be or not to be," she began quoting Shakespeare. "That is the question."

"I got a question." The mercenary's head growled angrily. "On a scale from one to ten, how much do you think I FUCKING hate you?"

"Watch the mouth sonny, children could be reading this!" Sardonyx chortled. "Now then, let's finish this chapter!"

One bypass of the chapter break later, Sardonyx and the defeated Deadpool were now out of the Fourth Wall and back in the real world where the Nasty Boyz, Juggernaut & Black Tom were now nowhere to be seen.

"Okay, I give up!" Deadpool complained while his body began to regenerate. "I'll go with your stupid plan! Didn't really need to treat me like how Pearl killed that one Irishman during the Easter Rising."

"It was an accident!" Pearl exclaimed as she and Garnet defused. "And how did you possibly know?"

"But before we move onto the next chapter, can we make a quick stop first?" Deadpool asked. "There's a joke I think needs resolving."

"You'll never take the whale from me Wilson!" Captain Ahab exclaimed as he engaged in a swordfight with the dread pirate Straw Hat Deadpool and his motley crew. "I'll surrender when I get eaten alive!"

"Funny you should mention that Habbo." First Mate Peridot sneered before she whistled loudly for Willy to breach the surface, breaking most of Ahab's ship and swallowing him whole. "I'll get you for this Wade!" Ahab shrieked vengefully. "You haven't seen the last of me!"

When Ahab was finally swallowed, Willy gave the pirates his farewells and dove back into the water, free again at last.

"What did parodying both Free Willy and Moby Dick have to do with anything?" Pearl asked Straw Hat Deadpool. "You know what? After what I've experienced, I don't think I want to know."

At long last, the chapter is done! Good thing too, because my partner has just started college as we write this and all that education is gonna cut into his freetime!

Yes indeed, the next chapter will take a bit longer to come out because of college. But I still get a few months off soon, so there you go.

Well, that should settle it. You get some free writing done and I won't take your ANDY ONLY stuff. Hasta luego amigo! And be sure to give my regards to your mom!

10 notes · View notes

scottsumrners · 5 years

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Nando you're the most knowledgeable person about the xmen. What's the tea between Psylocke/Kwannon/Betsy Bradock?

i don’t know what’s been up with them lately. but you mean like their story?

like. it all ties back to, like, i think the inferno saga? essentially a lot of crazy batshit stuff happened and i think people thought the x-men were villains, so they were hiding out. but then their base in australia was discovered by a group of supervillains while they were in a mission, and if they returned there, they would all get killed, so psylocke (back then still a white british woman) mind-fucked them into stepping through the siege perilous (which was a magic portal that would ‘reset’ them and give them new lives, given to them by a space witch a while back), and they all got send to different parts of the world without their memories.

i remember this because this led to the genosha arc a while later (alex summers got send to genosha, where he assumed the role he would play out for the rest of his life: a bootlicker and whatever-the-mutant-version-of-an-uncle-tom is). betsy braddock got sent instead to japan, where the Hand realized she was a crazy powerful telepath; but instead of doing the sensible thing and brainwashing her, the Hand decided to pull through what is often considered the stupidest, most racist thing marvel comics has done: the Hand switched betsy’s mind with kwannon (who, if i recall, was dying or dead). AND THEN THEY BRAINWASHED HER ANYWAY. for what reason, you ask yourself? god only fucking knows. but apparently they used Mojo Magic (through Spiral, who apparently was Just Conveniently There) to, like...merge the two of them? so that they resembled each other? despite the fact that one is japanese and the other Isn’t?

eventually betsy was rescued by wolverine. she had managed to do what emma stone and scarlet johansson only dream of doing: she had become an asian woman. she was also Sexy now. before she was sexy, but only like...for kids? (they really tried to pull a cypher/psylocke at some point, before doug got Jason Todd’ed by marvel. the x-men really have a problem with all these old telepaths trying to fuck kids, huh). but now she was Really Sexy now. and also every single asian stereotype combined into one, mostly naked form.

every once in a while kwannon would show up again, because nobody stays dead in the x-men for long. she would join the x-men, she would be a villain, she would die, she would be resurrected...i think she died of mutant hiv at some point, and then got brought back with the sisterhood of evil mutants, but then died again.

psylocke also died a bunch of times. she banged angel, she banged fantomex, she banged female!fantomex, she was evil, she was not evil...usual x-men stuff. and then i heard last year she was gonna be white again? so i guess kwannon is gonna come back at some point lol

#kuvirametalbender

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wehavebackissuesblog · 5 years

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House of X/Powers of X #’s 1 (Theories)

We got some thoughts not all of them strictly “sane”. This post will be spoiler-ific, so not only do we recommend you read these issues first, but we doubt anything we say will make any sense without it and we’re already going to sound crazy as it is. Conspiracies [and SPOILERS] after the jump....

The following is a list of the many theories we have entertained, debated, and obsessed over after issues #1:

The (This Is All A Dream) Theory: Xavier has a very powerful mind, so he probably has very powerful dreams.

Evidence: This whole enterprise has an undeniable dreamlike quality to it. Many of the key figures in the present timeline appear as what we could imagine are Xavier’s ideal version of them. Jean appears in a costume that she wore previous to her interactions with the Phoenix. Cyclops appears to have a similar vibe to his Utopia incarnation. The point in his life where he embodied the leader Xavier raised him to be, but before he went full rogue terrorist. Magneto plays the role of strong lieutenant, and not unhinged rival. Many other characters appear in their most iconic looks, most of which have been abandoned years ago.

Other Characters appear out of place in time. A young Moira has the knowledge of an older Moira. A still healthy Magneto appears 100 years into the future, during what appears to be a visit from a 1910s circus in the swinging 60s on the grounds of present-day Charles’ school. Also, they keep referencing dreams and sleep.

Implications if this theory proves true: A dreamscape scenario could result in one of two scenarios. 1. None of this is actually happening, and this series will end in the most cliched fever dream ending ever and infuriate Marvel fans everywhere [Unlikely]. 2. Dreaming Xavier is projecting his will onto every being in this galaxy and mind controlling them into playing out his Utopian nightmare [Horrifying].

The (Xavier is Possessed) Theory: Xavier is acting against character because Xavier isn’t home right now.

Evidence: Hickman has done an excellent job of alluding to important storylines from all era’s of the X-Men. One of the most important involved the reality-warping mutant Proteus. House of X #1 states that Proteus is alive and somewhere on Krakoa (he is listed among the Omega-level Mutants). We also know that Proteus requires a host body. Could that host body be Xavier? The last time Marvel had a big “House of...” event, the world was rocked by another reality-warper (Scarlet Witch). Proteus’s Reality Warping is a (marginally) localized ability, so it makes some sense that he would try and gather all mutants together in a singular location like an island.

The inclusion of Proteus’ mother, Moira MacTaggert, is also a curious inclusion to the series.

Finally, it should be noted that Cyclops has already referenced another major reality warping mutant, Franklin Richards, and invited him to Krakoa via his parents (and wasn’t that a dick/power move???).

Implications if this theory proves true: Proteus is mind controlling all the mutants involved in Krakoa to do his bidding, against their own will. There is already evidence that Jean Grey is fighting that control (if it exists). One of the other Omega-level Mutants are likely to break said control and go rogue, destabilizing Proteus and defeating him, but potentially too late to save them all from the Sentinels.

The (Xavier is Evil) Theory: Xavier’s mind has been tainted by all the evil he has rubbed up against.

Evidence: Over the recent past few years Xavier has 1. Died 2. Had his brain grafted to Red Skull 3. Had his Red Skull brain go full onslaught 4. Been tortured on the Astral Plane by Shadow King 5.Implanted into the body of mutant sentinel Fantomex. That is a whole load of questionable influences before we remember that the Professor was a pretty questionable dude to begin with.

Implications if this theory proves true: Everyone’s fucked? Everyone’s fucked.

The (That isn’t Xavier!) Theory: That isn’t Xavier under that helmet.

Evidence: Xavier looks an awful lot like The Maker (the evil Earth-1610 version of Reed Richards) The plan of a contained nation of evolved beings that get further modified is very similar to a plan The Maker tried with some success in the Ultimate (Earth-1610) universe. Xavier is wearing a very Maker-ish helmet. The only non-X characters we have encountered are the Fantastic Four, and we do so in the very first issue with Cyclops trying to lure Franklin to Krakoa.

Implications if this theory proves true: ???

The (This is a Simulation) Theory: This is all a scenario being run by Karima.

Evidence: For those of you who don’t know, Karima is both an Omega Sentinel and often an ally to the mutant population. Perhaps this is all a simulation run by Karima to find a solution to the Mutant/Human problem. Perhaps that is why so many characters are acting out of character. Karima is playing out possibilities and not trying to accurately roleplay characters. Likewise Nimrod (who is the basis for her Sentinel programming) is portrayed as almost sympathetic. Karima’s personal conflicts are influencing the simulation creating chains of cascading conflicts and pain.

Implications if this theory proves true: The futures we see in Power of X will warp and change as events within House of X unfold, much like a time traveler stepping on a butterfly in the past (or Fry becoming his own grandfather).

The (we are going mad) Theory: maybe we are losing it.

Evidence: Our coworkers have no idea what we are ever talking about and the Marvel Wiki is saved to our hotlinks on every computer we touch.

Implications if this theory proves true: We end up traumatizing at least five children with our insane ranting.

Have a favorite theory? Did we miss something? Let us know!

#house of x #powers of x #x-men #marvel #comics #back from hiatus and completely crazy #spoilers

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ty-talks-comics · 5 years

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Best of Marvel: Week of July 17th, 2019

Best of this Week: Uncanny X-Men #22 (Legacy #644) - Matthew Rosenberg, Salvador Larroca, David Messina, GURU-eFX and Joe Caramagna

It’s the end of an era and for once, I’m terrified.

I’ve been a fan of the X-Men for a long time. I’d even go so far as to say that they’re my favorite team in all of comics ever because of the range that their stories can go, from tales of marginalization to various stories of abuse and moral relativism, the X-Men have been amazing so why has it taken them so long to feel relevant again? At some point even the best books run out of good stories to tell or end up retreading old waters for a drink of nostalgia and that’s been the X-Men for the last five to six years.

Cyclops had become what Magneto was, young versions of the original five were brought to the future, villains like Mojo and Exodus were brought back, Sentinel threats reemerged, X-Men died and were brought back. In the grand scheme of things, it was all a mess with no cohesive direction and Marvel noticed. In comes Matthew Rosenberg who, I admittedly, was very wary of because I hated both his time on Astonishing X-Men and the Multiple Man mini-series. I don’t know if it was all his idea, but he decided to wipe the slate clean with a new Uncanny X-Men series and… it was stupendous from start to finish.

In the aftermath of Emma Frost’s actions from the last issue, the X-Men that are still on our Earth have found a peace that Mutants have never known. With humanities knowledge of mutants erased, Scott Summers is at a loss and questioning what his role in life is now that no one needs protecting. He and Dani Moonstar, aka Mirage, wax poetic on the nature of mutations and what their next course of action is. Scott is morose, seeing as his mutation made him function primarily as a weapon to fight back against humanity as it tried to destroy him, but now that they don’t know he exists, what is he good for?

The dynamic between them is interesting. Scott has been fighting since he was a teenager and he’s only ever seen this life as one big war. Dani is still young, but has the experience of several lifetimes and all that she can think of is helping people. Both of them have experienced loss but process it differently. Scott sees all of his friends as soldiers in the fight where Dani sees them as family. Of course this is because Scott has been leading everyone for so long and Dani has gone through thick and thin with the New Mutants, the Fearless Defenders and the X-Men themselves.

This causes a disagreement between the two and she simply walks away from him as Alex Summers, aka Havok, speaks with his brother about the freedom of being ignored over being targeted. On their way back to the Hellfire Mansion, Alex explains that every bit of leadership he’s ever had to exhibit was learned from Scott. Even with all of his brooding, Scott has been a great leader and it definitely helped when Alex was an Avenger, and he lets his brother know that he’s thankful for it before they’re attacked by some kind of golden Sentinel.

Scott’s unable to damage it and Alex surmises that they’ll never make it back to the mansion before the Sentinel kills them both, so in an act of self sacrifice, knowing that his powers won’t affect Scott, he self destructs and destroys the evil machine. Soon after, more arrive under the control of the General that originally help Emma Frost captive and target the remaining mutants. The battle is hard fought with heavy casualties before the rest of the X-Men return from Nate Grey’s utopian world, winning the battle for mutantkind.

This is the final issue of Uncanny X-Men and it ends on a bittersweet note.

*Slight SPOILERS BELOW*

Havok, a man who was on top of the world, brought low and tried to climb his way back up made the ultimate sacrifice just so that his brother could continue being the leader he is. Madrox, who was just brought back to life has met yet another grisly end, but the status quo has reset though very similarly to the Astonishing X-Men or Mutopia eras in a way. Jean Grey has returned to Scott, Emma and Magneto appear to be on the side of angels again and the X-Men are choosing not to hide anymore.

Shifting focus from this amazingly written and fantastically drawn book, I want to look towards the future and the threads left untied. House of X begins next week and I don’t know how to make heads or tails of things. Who is the man with the giant globe on his head? Is it professor X who had recently taken over the body of Fantomex and is now known as X? Will Magneto ever make use of the Brotherhood he established late last year? What will happen to Illyana now that she’s a demon again? I don’t know, but I am very excited.

This run was great. Rosenberg wrote everything in the most dire way possible given the situation and it fit each and every month. Scott remained hopeful in the face of ever present adversity, flanked by Logan who back up almost all of his actions. Characterizations were great from Dani acting as a voice of reason and Hope being a militaristic badass and the surprisingly black humored Jamie. Larroca’s art never faltered in being action packed but also still and dark.

Whatever comes next from this team, I have high hopes for.

---------------------------------------------------

The “Superior” Spider-Man is actually starting to live up to the ideal.

Runner Up: The Superior Spider-Man #9 (Legacy #42) - Christos Gage, Mike Hawthorne, Wade von Grawbadger, Jordie Bellaire and Clayton Cowles

After the events of the War of the Realms, the Spider-Man of San Francisco is awarded the key to the city for his efforts in making sure that there were zero casualties as Frost Giants stomped their way across SanFran. He accepts the gesture, but “crime” calls him away, only it’s not a crime, he simply thinks he has better things to do with his time than deal with the trivialities of ceremonies. He heads back to his lab and converses with Anna Maria about her making him go to the ceremony and summarily dismisses his colleague Emma after she apologizes for freaking out on him on their first date.

Otto seems to be in a bigger huff than usual and takes his frustrations out on a minor villain by the name of Turner D. Century. Century’s quickly defeated after a savage beating by Otto and the surprise appearance by Spider-Man, Peter Parker. Peter shows up at the request of Anna Maria and being one of the men who knows Otto best, he simply asks what’s wrong. Otto has been irritable, moody and angry since he saved the city and he obviously has no one to talk to.

He immediately spills to Peter that while he was able to keep San Francisco safe, thousands of people still died in the US, more abroad. He removes his mask and Hawthorne paints the face of a man that’s tortured by guilt and doubt. Otto feels that he’s the greatest mind in the world and that he should have thought of something. He doesn’t want to hear Pete say that he can’t save everyone, but it’s eating him up inside that he can’t.

By far, this is some of the best character work and advancement that we’ve seen from Otto in a while. He tried to become a hero, tried to be a good guy while he was inhabiting Peter’s body, but now that he’s doing it on his own and seeing the fruits and consequences of his labors, he sees how hard it is. He’s becoming a good guy and I’m here for it.

After Peter tells him that he’s doing the hero thing right, Emma shows up on the roof that they’ve swung up to and Otto breaks down in tears in front of her. He tries to posture that he’s a loner and asks if he looks like someone that needs anything from anyone before being held by her. He cries in her arms and they finally go on a second date with a surprising enemy spying on them.

I love it when heroes become good guys, no matter how brief it might be, watching Otto rise before his inevitable fall is interesting. I love the fact that he’s sort of mended fences with Anna Maria, I love that he’s found a near intellectual equal in Emma. He has a life and is using his smarts as a teacher and a hero in San Francisco. His ego is still huge, but he’s finally starting to see his faults, becoming Superior than Doctor Octopus.

Mike Hawthorne’s art is stellar. He has a talent for faces and body language. Otto expresses frustration, annoyance and grief; not only in his face, but with the slumping of his shoulders, the shaking in his hands and the tension in his fists. He even somehow finds a way to differentiate between Peter and Otto's bodies given that Otto's is cloned.

This Superior Spider-Man has far more emotion in this one issue than Otto's had in the many years since the original run. It's a joy to see the once horrible villain embrace his own good emotions for the benefit of others. This is a definite high recommend!

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kurtty-drabbles · 6 years

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“I never lose, darling.” (Star Wars AU)

@djinmer4

N/A: I love Kurt D in Star Wars, again I know nothing much about canon.

The exile is a ship that has a somewhat cruel naming, however, the captain of the said ship can be crueller and ruthless and right now, Kurt Darkholme is proving the statement correct as they have two imperial ships in his view.

“Captain,” Betsy, one of his loyal crew members speaks “ their communication with the emperor is cut already as well any meaning of communication and I did cut their energy”

“Yes, translating, we can commit treasure without being caught, amazing, the writer should come up with stuff like that in the future,” Wade said and Kurt Darkholme long has gone try to understand this particular crew member.

“Captain, they carry guns in that ship, should we take it?” Beast asked looking at the screen in thinking mode.

“No, it would be a bit suspicious if guns of the ship 444 were in our possession, all I want to do is see the ship taken down,” Kurt Darkholme said resting his face on his hands and smiling in satisfaction at their own demise.

“But… there are people out there, innocent lives” Fantomex tries to argue but the Captain has none of that and soon the Exile shoot at the two imperial ships turning them into space dust.

They all celebrated but Fantomex who is not very happy with the destruction. The man hates the emperor but can´t share the sentiment of seeing the destruction as something worthy to celebrate.

“Fantomex?” Kurt begins “we are in a war against one of the evil forces in the entire galaxy, sometimes we will be in a situation where is us or them, and I tend to choose us always” Fantomex just nods at the implication, still not celebrating the victory but letting his mind thinking that one ship down means one less block in the Imperial forces.

“Ah, Kurt D, the princess wants to talk with you, the writer has to shoehorn this” Wade said giggling as the image of the Princess Pryde fills the screen. Kurt Darkholme, as gaze the Princess, will deal with Wade later.

“Hi, princess” some members of his crew are now mocking the situation and Kurt will deal with them later.

“Kurt, I know you will say is illogical to call to you, but I was worry about you” many cooed were made and Kurt vows to deal with them later.

“I´m fine and is not too illogical to worry about us,” Kurt said and the princess smiles in relief.

“I see that you are still the same, good, when you can, please, go visit my planet,” Kitty said in her diplomatic tone and ended the call after Kurt promised to go there.

“Awww, the ship is real,” Wade said and Kurt takes his jacket off and has his lightsaber on and proceeds to chase Deadpool who is just laughing at a maniacal blue man with crimson eyes wanting to murder him.

Another day in the Exile if you ask anyone. Tresson, teasing, Deadpool losing his head and destroying their enemies. Is a relatively normal day.

#star wars au #aoa!Kurtty #kurt darkholme #aoa kitty pryde #fantomex #betsy #deadpool #beast

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thecorteztwins · 6 years

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Okay, but what would the Acolytes think if they knew about the creepy shit Charles recently did in Astonishing

Anne Marie is horrified he has that kind of power, that he can even affect the world with his mind from behind the grave and come back in any damn body he pleases. That’s the stuff of nightmares for her, given her perception of Charles. Fabian is just intrigued by the power for obvious reasons of thinking what HE would do with it. This next bit, I wrote before I went back and reread the issue. I was remembering it incorrectly, I think? I was thinking he’d sacrificed Gambit and the others besides Rogue, Mystique, and Fantomex, and we didn’t know if they were alive or not, but I reread it and that’s not the case, they seem fine, but I thought you’d like this anyway SO PRETEND IT WAS THE CASE:Delgado and Chrome would be less focused on the body horror implications, and more on the ruthlessness involved with his use of others. They’re very “ends justify the means” people, they’ve both made the choice to be here and kill for their beliefs. On the other hand, there’s killing enemies, then there’s using your own people. But, the Shadow King was a threat to the fucking world, and letting your personal attachments trump that would be really hella selfish. Chrome especially takes that perspective (as would Anne Marie if she weren’t too focused on the oh my god there’s no stopping him bit) Chrome can’t say Xavier did the right thing but maybe the best thing; which is what Chrome himself thinks of what he and the Acolytes do too. In a weird way, he might respect it in the same way he respects Anne Marie’s insane dedication, respect that for once (hahah for ONCE? if only you knew, Chrome) the guy got his hands dirty to do something right. Delgado is more torn because obviously there’s the great urge to protect the innocents of the world from things like the Shadow King, but he’s got much more emotional difficulty with the idea of sacrificing the people he actually knows for that. He may understand it intellectually like Chrome but can’t stop the utter kneejerk of fuck no at the idea. He just...can’t with that. But at the same time, if he knew anything about the Shadow King, he’d be damn glad he wasn’t around. He’d just be horrified all around at the entire thing, I think, both the threat and the solution. I also think he’d be shocked because that’s not something he pictured from Xavier; Delgado is the one who buys Xavier’s very peaceful image, whereas Fabian and Chrome are too pessimistic about other people and Anne Marie just thinks he’s evil (and figures he probably just didn’t want Farouk here because he didn’t want some other bad guy taking what’s his)ALSO NONE OF THEM THINK HE WAS WRONG TO CHEAT

#profxisajerk

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thirdeyecomics · 7 years

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THIRD EYE PICKS OF THE WEEK: ASTONISHING X-MEN #1 -- We have to tell you, Third Eye Faithful – Marvel’s ASTONISHING X-MEN may be the definitive must-read book of the Summer, and by far, is one of the most exciting takes on Marvel’s merry mutants since the iconic Joss Whedon / John Cassaday run that reinvented the characters! Taking a very similar approach as DC’s ALL STAR BATMAN, where top talent (like Charles Soule and Jim Cheung here!) are able to freely weave incredible tales with the most iconic X-MEN, and showcase some of their most iconic villains, ASTONISHING X-MEN is a must-read! In issue #1, an ancient evil is attacking the world’s most powerful minds. It will have them by the time you finish this sentence, and a moment later, it will have us all. A band of X-MEN discovers the truth behind the threat, but there is no time left. PSYLOCKE, OLD MAN LOGAN, BISHOP, ARCHANGEL, FANTOMEX, ROGUE and GAMBIT will attempt to save a world that hates and fears them. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE THE X-MEN. A perfect place to start reading the characters, jump on board with this week’s issue #1 and find out why we’re super pumped about this new ongoing series!

#THIRD EYE COMICS #COMICS #COMIC BOOKS #MODERN AGE COMICS #ASTONISHING X-MEN #MARVEL COMICS #NEW COMICS

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sebastianshaw · 4 years

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💡 What inspires you to write the muse? 📑 Favorite part of your muse’s backstory? 📝 Favorite headcanon for your muse? 🔥 Unpopular opinion about your muse? 💭 Favorite memory of the muse? ⌨ What’s a situation you’ve always wanted to RP with the muse? Hope you're doing fantastic!!!

Aw, thank you friend!! I hope you’re doing great too and I hope you had a lovely holiday if you celebrate any!! 💡 What inspires you to write the muse?Shaw’s an interesting, fun villain. I like how utterly selfish he is in his motives, but more than that, I like how HONESTLY selfish he is. He seldom tries to deceive anyone into thinking he’s doing anything for a GOOD reason; some of my favorite moments with him are when Bishop sarcastically asks if Shaw is helping shut down a mutant save ring “out of the goodness of your heart?” and without missing a beat Shaw smugly replies “Enlightened self-interest.” Or when Xavier thanks him for his help against Sinister, Shaw waves it away and points out he only did it because “I was on Sinister’s list myself.” Shaw can certainly be manipulative, and often is in how he does things, but he’s refreshingly HONEST about WHY he does them. He’s also unusual for the typical “big bad evil businessman” trope in that he seems to have an actual philosophy---albeit a shitty Randian one---and reasons for why he’d believe that. He’s got more depth than those types usually get---such as his constantly self-sabotaging through his inability to trust or understand others---while also not at any point actually becoming SYMPATHETIC in any way. He’s a total asshole, and a lot of fun to hate for it.Speaking of a lot of fun, I think the biggest factor is he makes me laugh. His taking his shirt off all the time, his smug jerkassery, his taking his shirt off all the time, his weird homoerotic fights, his taking his shirt of all the time, his power just being tailor-made for BDSM and his apparent enjoyment of that (he gets this SMILE when people hit him), his taking his shirt off all the time, how his assholery comes back to bite him in the ass, his taking his shirt off all the time, how he’s surrounded by powerful women who are running the show but for some reason people still think he is, and his tendency to take his shirt off all the time. He just has such hilarious moments, like kicking Donald Pierce out of a helicopter or yelling “GOOD DAY SIR!” while punching Fantomex into the sky. Being a badass, intelligent, utterly nasty villain is great and all, but Shaw also cracks me up and that’s what really wins me over.📑 Favorite part of your muse’s backstory? I answered that HERE but I’ll do an additional one---I really am intrigued by what we know (and don’t know) about when he met Xavier and Sage in Afghanistan, back before he had joined the Hellfire Club and was still a good guy. I really want to know more about that and what Claremont had planned. I also like how his backstory shows he can be more than one thing---he absolutely loved Lourdes, he was absolutely abusive towards Shinobi. One doesn’t excuse the other, yet they don’t cancel each other out either. I feel like that’s pretty realistic, that people can be complex and horrible, and that being horrible in one truly unforgivable way to one person can exist alongside being good and loving to someone else. I have really strong feelings about abusers being represented as 3-dimensional people and not inhuman monsters, because if you only see them as the latter, you’re not going to spot them when they’re the former. He should still burn in hell for it though📝 Favorite headcanon for your muse? It’s not a headcanon anymore because he confirmed it in X-Men (2019) #3, but I’ve read Shaw as bisexual for a while now. At first I wanted to write him as purely straight because he was just such awful representation, but I couldn’t deny the homoerotic innuendo as it kept piling up. And now he’s said as much as of last month, so there ya go.🔥 Unpopular opinion about your muse? Probably THIS💭 Favorite memory of the muse? Shaw’s favorite memories are probably the moment he got his scholarship letter, some stuff with his dad, a lot of stuff with Lourdes, and then a bunch of villainy success moments.⌨ What’s a situation you’ve always wanted to RP with the muse? Answered HERE!

#save tag #because I think I want to save this post #so now I have a save tag #themarchinghare

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inhumansforever · 7 years

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Lets get to know Marvel Boy

With next month’s Inhuman Prime and the upcoming series, The Royals, the extra dimensional Kree adventurer known as Marvel Boy will be joining the ranks of The Inhumans.

Marvel Boy (also known as Noh-Varr) has a long and complicated backstory. He is additionally an exceptionally cool character and if there is to be a non-Inhuman member of the Royals squad then I can think of few better candidates. So whats the back story on this guy?

Get all the details following the jump

Noh-Varr was a member of the 18th Kree Diplomatic Gestalt originating from an alternate reality (Earth 200080 to be exact). He and the crew of their dimension-hopping spacecraft, The Marvel, were investigating a clash between Astro Gods that threatened the longstanding peace between The Kree and Skrull Empires of their dimension.

Caught in the crossfire between these waring Astro-Gods, the Marvel was thrown into a tear in the multiverse and the crew worked desperately to navigate their craft back to their home dimension. Unfortunately, they overshot and ended up emerging from the multiverse into the 616 reality of the standard Marvel Universe.

The Marvel emerged near Earth and they attempted to land there so to make repairs and adjustments for another effort to reach their home dimension. Upon entry into earth’s atmosphere, however, the ship was struck by a series of rockets launched by the forces of the eccentric billionaire known as Dr. Midas.

Midas was obsessed with the collection of alien and extra dimensional artifacts which he hoped would imbue him with superpowers. He had monitored the Marvel’s entry into the atmosphere and ordered it shot down so that the wreckage could be salvaged and reverse-engineered to serve his purposes. Noh-Varr had been the chief engineer aboard The Marvel. His mother and father were the captain and first officer and his girlfriend, Meree, was the navigator. Noh was the sole survivor of the crash and he was taken prisoner by Midas’ forces. Midas had planned to dissect Noh so to see what aspects of his biological might be replicated and weaponized.

Most Kree differ from Humans in subtle ways. On average, the Kree are stronger and more durable compared to humans, with an elongated lifespan. Noh possesses these augmented qualities along with additional abilities unique to the Kree of his dimension. In Noh’s home dimension, Kree science had managed to navigate around the evolutionary ceiling of their race by way of adding genetic material to their DNA borrowed from an insect-like species. This addition imbues Noh was greatly enhanced speed and reflexes, heightened strength and the power to adhere to surfaces with his hands and feet. Noh’s saliva also contains nanobots that has the effect of making those who come into contact with it highly susceptible to the power of suggestion. Noh was able to utilize these abilities to facilitate his escape from Midas’ compound.

Among the wreckage of The Marvel, Noh managed to salvage Plex, an sentient, organic computer that retained a massive amount of data specifically oriented to combat situations and martial strategies. Noh also salvaged several weapons, including a pair of wristbands that could reshape themselves into several highly powerful weapons.

Concluding that all of Earth was as evil and murderous as Midas, Noh decided to wage war on the earth and make it the capital of the New Kree Empire of this dimension. Following a number of adventures and a great deal of property destruction, Dr. Midas was seemingly killed and Noh was ultimately apprehended by Shield. Following his capture, Noh was incarcerated in the supermax penitentiary known as The Cube.

The Warden of The Cube proved to be a corrupt and sadistic individual who used his prisoners to forward his own agenda. Shield director, Maria Hill, seemed to be aware of The Warden’s ulterior motives, but allowed him to remain at his post so long as those criminals held their remained imprisoned. The Warden attempted to reverse engineer Plex, but failed to do so and it resulted in the living computer’s death. The warden then used an unspecified technology to exert control over Noh’s will, making him into an enforcer to do his bidding.

During the first Superhero Civil War, The Warden was tasked with capture the young reengaged superheroes known as The Runaways and The Young Avengers. The Warden dispatched Noh to take out these heroes. Noh made short work of these heroes, capturing several of them and leaving the rest battered.

During the battle, Noh was gravely injured when The Visions’ arm became stuck in Noh’s chest mid-intangible. Once revived, The Vision was able to hone in on his detached arm to locate the whereabouts of their captured teammates. Attacking The Cube, the Runaways and Young Avengers once again took on Noh. This time, however, The Vision was abel to scramble the mind control circuits that kept Noh under the Warden’s power.

The heroes all escaped and Noh extracted his vengeance over the Warden, using that same mind control technology to effectively lobotomize him.

Orphaned and marooned in a foreign dimension, Noh was left unsure what to do. He ultimately decided to remain at the Cube, keeping his freedom a secret, and acting as the prison’s de facto jailer.

Shortly thereafter, Noh was visited by the first incarnation of The Illuminati. These luminaries of the hero community saw great potential in Noh-Varr and attempted to guide him toward taking a heroic path. Noh was initially reluctant to accept the advice offered to him by the Illuminati, yet the wisdom imparted on him would eventually take hold.

Noh-Varr was still maintaining the Cube at the time of the Skrull Secret Invasion event. Numerous Skrull agents had infiltrated the Cube and Noh rallied the rest of the prisoners in a successful effort to repel the invaders. During this time, Noh encountered a Super Skrull by the name of Kkn’nr, who had taken the guise of the Original Captain Marvel (Mar-Vell). Kkn’nr had come to believe that he actually was the real Mar-Vell and he died valiantly fighting for Earth. Noh was very much moved by the heroism and self sacrifice demonstrated; so much so that it inspired him to also take on the responsibility of protecting the people of Earth.

Noh-Varr’s decision to become a hero, coupled with his relative naiveté made him an ideal candidate to be recruited by Norman Osborn when he was forming his Dark Avengers during the Dark Reign era. Osborn had slithered his way into the directorship of Shield following the Secret Invasion and formed his own group of Avengers to act as the steel fist of his new agenda.

Assuming the name of ‘Marvel Boy,’ Noh agreed to participate in Osborn’s Avengers team and he served with distinction in their earlier adventures. Noah’s teammate, Moonstone (Karla Sofen) took a fancy in Noh and seduced him following a successful mission. Afterward, Soften divulged to Noh that Osborn was a villain, that his ultra-vigilant stance on earthly defense was just a ruse to consolidate authoritarian power (sound familiar?). Having discovered the truth behind Osborn’s intentions, Noh decided to leave the Dark Avengers. He was assigned by Osborn to obtain the advanced weapons production plant known as ‘The World.’ Defying Osborn’s orders, Noh teamed up with Wolverine (Logan) and Fantomex and thwarted Osborn’s efforts to obtain ‘The World.’

Labeled an enemy agent, Osborn sent The Sentry to neutralize Noh. Noh was able to evade The Sentry and he built a communications relay platform to contact The Kree Empire of this Dimension (hoping he could gain amnesty on the Kree world pf Hala).

Noh’s transmission was received by the Supreme intelligence of The Empire. Rather than offering Noh a means of reaching Hala, however, The Supreme Intelligence decided that Noh was a suitable candidate to assume the role once held by Captain Mar-Vell as the Kree protector of Earth. A pair of advanced Nega-Bands were teleported to Noh that imbued him with vast new powers. Re-dubbing himself ‘The Protector’ Noh was ultimately able to fend off The Sentry and escape Osborn’s pursuit.

Later, following Osborn’s defeat and the Siege of Asgard, The Protector was recruited by The Avengers to assist in a mission to take on Kang The Conquerer. Noh was granted full membership to The Avengers and aided them in battles against The Hood, Hydra and The Serpent. During this time, Noh began a romantic relationship with a young art school student named Annie.

During the Avengers versus X-Men event, Noh took part in a mission to head out into space and intercept the Phoenix Force before it could reach earth. This mission ultimately failed, but the team did manage to exert a sample of the Phoenix Force energy that could be used as part of a weapon to defeat it. Unfortunately, their spaceship was damaged, forcing the team to make a crash landing on the Kree planet of Hala.

While making repairs on Hala, Noh was summoned to an audience with the Supreme Intelligence. The Intelligence commanded Noh to steal the energy sampling of The Phoenix Force so that Kree science might devise a proper means of destroy the cosmic entity and ending the threat it posed.

Noh obeyed this order, engaging a sneak attack on his fellow Avengers so to thieve the sample. When he presented the sample to the Supreme Intelligence it was revealed to him that The Kree had no intentions of protecting the earth. They would allow The Phoenix Force to destroy earth, temporarily sating its hunger for destruction and giving the empire the time needed to develop the means to defend itself.

Dismayed, Noh once again stole the sample so to return it to the Avengers. Yet he had lost their trust. The Avengers took back the sample, but left Noh behind declaring that he was forever banned from Earth. To make matters worse, The Supreme Intelligence caused Noh Nega-Bands to disengage, dissolving his Protector battle suit and leaving him initially defenseless against the legion of Kree soldiers seeking his demise. The Phoenix Force was ultimately contained by Hope Summers and the threat abated; and Noh was not heard from for some time.

Somehow, Noh was able to escape Hala. Not knowing where else to go, Noh returned to Earth and used pilfered Kree material to create a home for himself in a satellite station orbiting the planet. Despite all that he had been through, Noh had developed a great fondness for earth, its culture and art and especially its music. He would frequently descend to the planet to buy records, attend concerts and dance clubs.

During one of these excursions, Noh encountered Kate Bishop, the young Avenger known as Hawkeye. The two hit it off quite well and Kate ended up returning with Noh to his starlight home to spend the night. What began as a one night fling ultimately blossomed into a romance.

Through his relationship with Kate, Noh became involved in the latest iteration of the Young Avengers. Reassuming the named of Marvel Boy, Noh aided the Young Avengers in their dimension-trotting battle against the demonic force known only as ‘Mother.’ The Mother entity was finally defeated and destroyed and The Young Avengers drifted apart. Noh and Kate also broke off their relationship though committed to remaining friends.

In the upcoming Inhumans Prime, it appears as though Noh has witnessed the aftermath of the Inhuman/Mutant War. Being a Kree from an alternate timeline, Noh seems to be quite knowledgeable about the Inhumans as well as, possibly, the secrets of Terrigen. It looks as though Noh will offer his services as a guide to the Royals in their quest into the cosmos to learn the mysteries of Terrigen.

Noh’s further adventures will be entailed in ‘The Royals’ debuting this spring from writer Al Ewing and artist Jonboy Meyers. Noh-Varr was created by Grant Morrison and JG Jones.

#Noh-Varr #Inhumans #Marvel Boy #The Royals

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