i’m home, and despite my last two days not being that chill i still has a really lovely time out there lol!

it was gorgeous and served to be the break that i wanted it to be, but it was as if the final two days were there to bring my ass back to earth bc i got in a really fucked situation by getting severely lost for hours (on foot/walker) w/ all my luggage on my way to the last hotel by the airport, and then the next day i got caught in torrential downpour after resolving to just do my hair and makeup despite 1. feeling really, really rough and 2. having to literally over medicate myself really hard to move about because the pain was delayed and climbing, and moving was getting harder and harder and my co-ordination was dipping - and then i nearly missed a bus that i had to wait five (5) hours for and had to like trot? as fast as i could physically manage through the rain towards the bus and i could see the bus stop in the distance but it was too far to make it and i like burst into tears (because ow and also like... what the fuck actually was that 24hour period) and someone hopped straight out of their running car behind me and sprinted ahead of me to stop the bus(i was yelling ‘don’t go, please’ at this point lol but the driver couldn’t hear me) and it waited for me and the driver was so nice once he’d seen me!! he helped me and told me not to cry in french which was so nice, i felt like such a sausage but like i had really had enough by then lol! then i got to the airport and i’m ngl, i think this next bit is just londoner privilege because the service at the airport was really bad, and on top of having rude staff, minimal facilities and vegetarian options(so i couldn’t even buy anything to cheer me up until the plane) and no priority (disabled) customer assistance on the Bordeaux end for some reason (so, pain!) until the very end when i was like dragging my suitcase on the verge of tears(but honestly they were so rude and clipped that i wasn’t gonna let them see me cry) and taking like one heaving step every ten seconds and the British Airways staff on the plane had just caught sight of me and were exchanging looks at the door like ‘um... wtf why have u just left this passenger’ THEN the men/bordeaux airport staff that were stood there finally found their job descriptions and began taking my bags off of me and holding onto my arm to support me after leaving me by myself through the whole airport and having me get on last which isn’t supposed to happen, because it makes things so much harder for me - especially with a neurological condition that affects my balance trying to get down a full aisle without hurting anyone or myself? not to mention my spine but... ok. anyway, they left after i sat down and were schmoozing in front of the BA staff and i was having none of it, so after they left the BA staff rushed to me and asked if i was okay and gave me tissues and a water bottle which i thought was rly kind!! they promised to have my assistance ready on my return (and they did) as usual and i did my best to relax on the flight, having to actually medicate on the plane for the first time which i found really embarrassing but i also had some really yummy vegetarian sandwiches at a discount which was really nice!!

when i arrived, london kicked in the way i know it to be and i was immediately glad to be home despite everything. everyone helped patiently with my bags and brought me to a wheelchair with luggage space at the plane door and i was SO relieved!! i felt like my body was hanging on by a thread by this point and i was a bit medication foggy so i wanted to bloody hug them all lmao. then LGW staff took me in the wheelchair to a giant golf cart and i was sooooo excited!! not only was i not going to have to keep stressing my body, but the guy that’s come to get me is really jolly and sweet, and the experience is actually going to be kinda fun and i’ll have my first time in a golf cart! so we transfer into there, and he whizzes me around the airport and we chat the whole time about his life and mine and my holiday, and he drives me through border control/the passport bit, customs, baggage claim and we blast through all the steps at the airport together and then he drops me off right at the entry gates to the station at the other side of the airport and i was so grateful, i wanted to hug him too for being so kind and making my return as smoothe as possible! (i didn’t tho us londoners are shy lmao)

i definitely think that the last two days were an emotional rollercoaster for me, but i don’t want it to come across like i didn’t enjoy the rest because i actually really did!! i had a lovely time for the whole time i was in central Bordeaux, everything went really smoothly until i had to change hotels - but in my mind, that last chunk was almost a separate experience from the rest of my break (and it was in a way, it was almost 6 miles away from the area that holds all of the fond memories!!) and it was vastly, vastly different which actually helps me separate it. so last night, and even yesterday people were asking me if i enjoyed myself and i was stammering because i couldn’t find the words to say like ‘the last two days/day and a half or so has been really taxing and the physical pain is still setting in so i’m hurting at the moment but everything that happened before i left quinconces and got lost was magical and i learned some lessons about myself and saw lots of beautiful things’ but yeah, i did really like bordeaux and would definitely go back to explore when the circumstances are back to normal - but maybe i’d visit from my preferred haunt of the south of France and catch a train there! i’m a bit put off by bordeaux airport hahaha

now a boring life stuff summary: i was actually going to just force myself to go straight into a meeting at work later today with all my ‘change starts now’ guns blazing, but obv i think the body has reached the pain peak so it’s probably better to have a rest for a day, maybe take my time and get anything sorted that i can without moving about too much instead such as important phonecalls and chasing up any pressing matters! i know that i have a habit of going really hard and juggling everything i possibly can at once sometimes to my own detriment, so i’m still going to just get stuck in with productivity straight away in a way that satisfies me and is in my best interests - just at a pace that’s actually sustainable for me both physically and emotionally which is what i think is really important right now. i think instead of relying on sheer force of determination, strategising and tapping into that when i need to is ultimately more effective long term. i’ve got to apply the few inner lessons i took from bordeaux and from really being with myself for a while and i’ve got to apply these things along with what i already know and where i see myself going wrong sometimes, and i have to keep in mind that i’m going in without a lot of the coping mechanisms i used towards the end of the year - but also ones that i know how to live without already!! no more burning out, no more burning out!! that’s our main goal for 2019. (tho if i can manage a bit of tidying instead of going into work straight away today... just a little!!)