im not sure if this is an adhd mood or just a me mood, but i can not write essays anymore. idk what changed, i used to be able to sit down and write an essay even though i thoroughly hated every second of it, even if i had to write it weeks after it was due, but now i just can't. it's like my brain just doesn't even acknowledge it as an option. i get assigned an essay and my first thought is "damn, there goes [insert amount of points it's worth] down the drain"

like i will take any work over writing an essay at this point. i just can't get myself to do it, i can't muster up even a teaspoon of motivation to do an essay anymore. i can do preparation for it, i can find sources and take notes, but i can't actually write it and complete it. and it definitely doesn't help that the essay i have to do, that's due tomorrow and that i have no progress on, is for the class that i am failing the worst right now.

but of course i can't explain why i can't do it. i can't put the feeling into words or figure out a clear reason other than that my brain is just all fucky wucky. so if i try to explain anything i'm just making excuses for my own laziness. i should just get over it. i know in my mind that it's not that hard and that it would take maybe 3 hours or so out of my day and that i don't have anything better to be doing anyway, but when i try to get the motivation to do it i'm just filled with this dread and disgust as if i'm trying to convince myself to cut off my own arm.

i know that sitting around doing nothing but staring at the assignment on my screen isn't going to anything, but people feel the need to let me know that anyway. as if i don't already know. as if i'm doing this to myself on purpose for shits and giggles. as if i'm actively trying to throw my grades and future down the drain. i'm sitting here typing this when i could be putting all these words to use and filling out my 3 page minimum. but i'm not because i feel like i can't. i know that physically i am capable, i've done it before and i can do it again, but it feels like i can't. like the option to work on it is just nonexistent or locked behind an invisible wall that i don't know how to break.

but nobody else around me knows this. nobody understands what i'm feeling right now and i can't expect them to understand because from an outside perspective it does just look like i'm trying to find an excuse for my own laziness. that i'm pulling the victim card or the mental illness card when i say that i'm struggling because of my adhd. i make a conscious effort not to do that, i've been diagnosed for over a year and only brought it up for the first time a week ago. but what am i supposed to say when that is the reason?

it feels like i'm stuck in a corner with a big thick stone wall just hurling towards me and everyone around me is yelling at me to just go through the door but there is no door in the wall. the only thing i can do is throw myself at it, breaking all my bones in order to get to the other side. that's a hella dramatic metaphor for me taking the L on my essay and waiting for new work, but we're living in hella dramatic times so fuck it, i'm gonna be a little melodramatic.

there's just no winning here. i don't know what to do. i feel helpless. i just have to grit and bare the consequences before i can get new work and try to get my grade up. i can't ask for alternate work because it's not in my plan and i doubt my teacher would do it without it being on my plan, but if worst comes to worst i might just try asking anyway. im just so sick of this feeling of guilt whenever i'm doing anything but schoolwork even if i'm just trying to calm myself down after crying. im sick of feeling like everything i do is wrong or not good enough even when i'm trying as hard as i can. and it doesn't help that i have to be cooped up inside, not able to see any of my friends and having to deal with people yelling at me 24/7 with no escape.

and when i try to make progress in other areas of my life so i can at least be proud of something, like brushing my teeth more or drawing/writing, it immediately gets reversed a day later and i lose all motivation because i get berated for the things that i don't do and anything i do try to do gets ignored. everyone around me right now is just making it 10x harder for me to be even a little bit productive, even if it's not in school work i still want to take care of myself and work on something other than just staring at a screen all day. but it's kind of hard to do anything for myself when i'm constantly feeling like shit. and then i'm told to lighten up by the same person who screamed at me an hour before, like my struggling is some kind of funny joke that i can laugh about.

i'm not fucking laughing.