hello my tungles personal stuff im sad i have nobody to talk to about below

i am 4 wks pregnant and im so excited. i know i should keep my excitement contained until the "safe" point (and i cant help but fear my abortion a few years ago is gonna some how ruin it) but i cant help it. but im soso sad i have no friends to talk to about it or family members to talk to. theyre gonna want me back around once they find out i have "something" of value to "give" them 💀 but i wont let them near my child, they will never have a chance to make them feel as unloved and awful as theyve consistently made me feel my whole life, including most recently when i finally reached out again in a time of need. but enough of that. i want to have purpose in this way i mean at least my bfs family will decide i can have human rights once theyres someone more important in the pic theyre thinkin of hahahaha. like ive already come to the mentally ill conclusion my life will never mean or be anything but at least i can love and nurture someone else with potential. maybe i can support someone else and give them that momentum to make something of their life instead of incessant trauma that repeatedly holds them back.

and ill get my gruel tickets back from the government and better healthcare, my state is suuuper pro birth so im not gonna struggle at all methinks... the mormons looove helpin new moms after all.

anyways. im very excited. im already looking at cloth diapers. and everything is sososo smelly.