The fact that baby faced Douglas Smith was in Santa's Slay, a demonic Santa slasher film, is amazing to me

As always, Doll, thanks for spreading this Christmas cheer 😂❤️

Look at that baby face!

I like to think that as an adult making his own purchases more secure in himself, Nicky gets that easy bake oven and grows up and in to a real passionate hobby for baking.

Ngl this came to mind because I was laughing at Jack, trying to defend the honor of his bromance, screaming at Nicky like-

“I BET YOUR PIES TASTE LIKE SHIT BUDDY!”

Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa’s Slay is almost good. Writer/director David Steiman tries - and fails - to make a movie that's "so bad it's good" on purpose but when he indulges in holiday-themed puns and gruesome slayings, you'll have a good time. Call me sick, but seeing people drowned in eggnog, skewered with candy canes, blown up with trick presents and run by Santa's sleigh, it’s ghoulish fun. All that’s missing is a story worth watching to bring all the Yuletide carnage together.

The result of a virgin birth through a woman and Satan, Santa Claus (Bill Goldberg) indulged in yearly massacres from which Christians protected themselves using Christmas Mass. In 1005 A.D., an angel defeated him in a curling match and sentenced him to be nice and deliver presents for 1,000 years. Now, it’s 2005 and he’s eager to indulge in his bloody ways again.

The film’s highlights are the various killings. Some of them you see coming. Others take you by surprise. Cinema had to include someone getting skewered by a menorah eventually and if that’s the sort of thing you want to see, you’ve got it here. There is also a rather charming homage to the ‘60s Rankin/Bass Christmas specials that’s sure to put a smile on your face. It’s so ridiculous it actually works.

Every other aspect of the film disappoints. The special effects are dodgy but that’s ok. You wouldn’t mind so much because they can - at times - enhance the dark humor. The insurmountable issue is the “plot”, which should’ve been tossed away and redone completely. For the most part, there is no story. Santa randomly shows up and kills everyone in sight while making puns - if I never hear "ho ho hoes" again, it will be too soon. It’s funny (for the most part) but not so original that audiences won’t be left wanting more. When Mr. Claus isn’t leaving bloody footprints in the snow, we follow Nicholas Joseph Yuleson (Douglas Smith) and his girlfriend, Mary McKenzie (Emilie de Ravin) trying in vain to warn everyone in the town of Hell of what’s happening. It gets repetitive fast.

I know what you’re thinking. Santa came from a virgin birth. The other principal characters (other than Nick’s grandpa, played by Robert Culp) are “Joseph” and Mary, the hero’s first name is Nicholas. There’s got to be some connection between them, some twist at the end that proves these people were destined to battle, right? No, there isn’t. This is why I'm complaining about the writing. The names seem to have been chosen out of a hat at random instead of serving a satisfying purpose. In fact, when you look at the big picture, you’ll realize Nicholas has no impact on this story whatsoever. The dialogue is clunky, meandering and primarily included to pad out the movie - "say anything, as long as it helps us reach feature-length running time". At 78 minutes, Santa's Slay is more of an elongated sketch than a proper film. The ending is abrupt and unsatisfactory and the film is sloppy. A great example comes right at the beginning. The picture opens with pages of illuminated manuscript detailing through illustration the “true” story of Santa Claus but the text surrounding the drawings isn’t even Greek; it’s just random characters with occasional cast member names thrown in. At least it sets your expectations appropriately.

Santa’s Slay is bad but not so bad you can’t have somewhat of a good time with it. If you throw this on the TV during your holiday get-together, your guests can occasionally look at what's on the screen, rub their eyes in bewilderment and instantly have something to chat about. Sitting down and paying attention would only mean becoming appalled by the sloppy execution. If you choose to watch Santa's Slay, stick around for the admittedly cleverly done end credits, particularly if you’re a fan of the WWE. (November 27, 2020)

The Original Malewife and Girlboss (Santas Slay)