Feeling in that mood where ive completely given up on havin "a type" and honestly can you imagine saying hello to someone faily and it no being weirdl can you imagine someone enjoying you. Can you imagine someone being positive towards you because they want to and not because they feel obligated to. Most genuine phtsival affection that i appreciated was when i didnt even have tits yet and i was crying because of shit my granfa said and my older sister came and weapped a towel around me (we were on the beach) and she hugged me and said things that didnt try to deny my feelings and if i remember correctly she even blamed geanfa as well and she did that until i stopped crying and I think she asked me if i was okay and no i wasnt but you dont answer to a question like "are yiu okay?" With no. So that was that and granfa pretended like it didnt happen, like he just spilled my juice on accident, and didnt blow up at me for no reason. I was the one who had the right to be angey in that situation but i just cried because I don't know what to do when people are angry at me. Imagine if you could just ask your sister for a hug. Imagine you planned to ask your sister for a hug as a birthdaygift but then when the moment came it was "too awkward" to ask for it and you pussied out even when she wouldve definetly agreed. I think I was afraid of the hug not being good enough. She had some clothes on that made it look like a hug from her would feel the same as from my granma. Imagine not being affected by your classmate accidentally bumping into you because youre both sitting on a full bench and he's talking to someone pretty animatedly and he has a really soft amd thick hppdie on and you want him to keep bumping into you because its the most physical contact youve gotten in years that you actually like the feeling of. Imagine being ablr to talk to someone in class. Imagine looking forward to the breaks because "you get to sociliase". Imagine enjoying life huh. Imagine hearing "life is short do enjoy it" and going to school. Imagine wadting your apparently short life doing stuff thst dpesnt bring you any happiness . Imagine feeling like you belong in this world. Imagine not doubting your own thoughts and opinions. I could be gaslighting mtself i wiyldnt know. Imagine rhat the closest to "home" youve felt in years was yesterday when you came home from school and when you were walking across the parking lot you smelled the fumes clming from a n exhaust pipe of a pretty old car and they smelled so nice nad they were home but you kept walking because what the fuck else do you do and i guess irs a positive i haven't started smoking yet....I want to feel home and i feel like this isnt fair. I feel like this is the "gods tssting you" shit christians pull but msybe if I believed in a god thus wojld be easoer. I used to hate the feeling of finding the house empty so you go check outside, amd you stand for some time outside hesring the birds sing and you feel completely alone in the world but now I want that and that feeling is home. I want natural silence. Enforced silence is a crutch i oull on when im trying not to lash out to other people. Naturaö silence is a saving grace thst i dont get to expirience anymore since i van o ly hear it up north and I can only go up north I'd I'm visiting family and I cry like at least every second day whenevwr im bisiting my family up north idmts awful but i van just Imagine how quiet and alone it would be there. I want to find home, but im afraid ill mever find it. That's a big fear of mine. I don't really care about my sovial anxiety that much, i dont care that much about not bellnging in this world. I just want to find home and true comdort and home.

http://goo.gl/plM6ud Nuthatch by holger2061

Nuthatch by holger2061