i love thinking about vera's relationship with her mother as more nuanced than just "her mom sucked and she had mommy issues and she hated her". not that she didn't suck, or was a good mother in any way but there's just something so personal about how this woman would view her eldest daughter,, in my mind countess rostova was very harsh on vera while she was growing up because she wanted her to achieve all the things she couldn't herself so badly, she expected perfection, but then vera grew up, and she was more than just a girl who reminded her of herself, she was a girl who reminder her of herself but did better, vera started to take over the role countess natalya had herself as a young woman and she hated that (which is fucked up, of course, being jealous of your own child) and she started to ignore her, belittle her, try to prove in any way that she was never going to surpass her. i think the reason she favored nikolai and natasha and petya over her was that they fit very well into the big rostov family picture, they were still recognized as her children and she was still the top of the pyramid, but vera grew into her own woman, vera distanced herself trying to repair all the damage that had been done by her, vera married a man who as far as we know had no titles and didn't come from any of the Big Russian Names™ like those of bolkonsky or bezukhov that the countess thought fit nicely into their picture. but still, an eldest daughter, a first child is always such a precious part of any mother. she was happy to be with the rest of her children, yes, loved them more even, i don't doubt it, but none of them were vera. the part that vera played in her life makes her irreplaceable, vera would manage to become who she could've been if she'd played her cards right, vera was the child that first made her a mother, a good or a horrible one, and she'll never not feel the absence of her in her life. and she can't really do anything about it unless vera decides she wants her to, and lets her try again, because vera may not ever fully heal from how she was treated by her own mother her entire childhood but she can grow from it, she can build her own life, she doesn't need to seek the forgiveness of anyone who wronged her so badly and it's not her job to understand her feelings. but countess natalya can't do that, and she would eventually realize that there are no pros to losing her first child, that what caused this was her own terrible treatment of vera, and no matter what you're like you never really get over knowing that the only thing you taught your child was how to stop needing you near them. and, of course, vera's choice would be understandable no matter what it was, maybe she'd want to reconcile with her mother some day, maybe she'd want to confront her, maybe she wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore, but only she has the power to choose that, the countess doesn't.