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Belief Inversions - V

X (Engineering/Management) is a good career in India (contd.)

Even the post-engineering MBA is such a cliche that supply of MBAs far exceeds demand. The salary of an engineering graduate from a good college matches or exceeds that of an MBA graduate from a so-so college. Just like in the engineering case, we're not exactly graduating buckets loads of CEOs. When it comes to management practices, we're still very informal, very jugaadu, and thus very backward and unproductive. It is something we almost cherish. The faux superficial specialisation of most degrees in India. You don't need that many brain cells if you're just running small warehouse with intuition, you need them if you're going all six sigma/TPS and scaling the shit out of it efficiently.

"We didn’t do shady things to earn our money" and it's cousins "Everyone who is rich did some shady shit", "We're not rich. But at least we have our pride"

We can call this the nobility of poverty. This projection of evil on rich people or your successful relatives to assuage your own jealously with a fake moral judgement. Yes, businessfolks have to bribe and lobby but that's standard shady shit and a fully accepted cost of doing business. 90% of people would do the exact same thing if they were in that situation. It is harder to swallow bitter pills like 1. Some people get lucky 2. Some people are more talented 3. Some professions have higher economic payoffs.

I have cousins who work in the merchant navy who earn probably thrice as me and don't even pay taxes! I won the rat race by going to fancy colleges, I've even got higher social status; yet they're getting richer faster! Felt so unfair, so I would project that their job is worse while the reality is half my cousins literally work on the Disney cruise line, which is amongst the fanciest cruise ships in the world. Now I've grown up and see things more clearly. They made the wise decision of competing in the global markets and for better employers. I compete in a crowded local market (Indian) and get rewarded proportionately. They stay away from their family but it's a trade-off they made and my desk job is a trade-off I made. I no longer try to vilify them, their professions, or their lives in my mind.

Life will be sorted after X

X here is 10th/12th/Engineering/MBA.

Life never gets sorted. We change every day. Our needs, hopes, desires, and dreams are changing continuously. You are not a spare part rolling down the assembly line that is done. Your needs at 55 are different from your needs at 25. The system resets. Even dream jobs can get predictable and boring, relationships if not nurtured and renewed can start seeming pointless.

I got a mild shock recently when a boss of mine quit his job at Microsoft after 15 years. From the outside it would appear like he had it sorted. On speaking to him, I heard some of his recent challenges and how he was thinking about it. My realisation, life is a series of moments. And in this moment, my boss felt it's better for him to move onto something new. He wasn't thinking, oh I've been here for so long, how can I quit. We make those reductive thoughts from the outside.

The best man/product will win

This is the starkest articulation of just-world fallacy. Apart from narrow arenas with well-defined rules like sports; winning and "merit" have a modest correlation. Even there, your country's sports infrastructure determines whether you can succeed. There are tons of footballers, gymnasts and more in India; but with social pressure to leave, shitty infra, corruption, poor media coverage and a hundred roadblocks they have a remote chance of doing their best. Distribution beats product in the business world, connections beats character on a personal level.

Don’t invest in the stock market

Might be a generational gap or lack of finance but lots of members in my family are against mutual funds or stock market investing. And me who's been majored in finance thinks about nothing but equity for wealth creation.

Don’t invest in crypto

I traversed the whole IQ me spectrum on this one.

There are few use-cases for crypto apart from the toyish ones. That said, toys of today often improve in performance and become serious things tomorrow. Second, you can play with bubbles and mint money, if you can exit well.

“When I see a bubble forming I rush in to buy.” - George Soros

Most people will start believing the bullshit they've been peddled and hold on forever like idiots. When you've got enough gains, it is better to sell rather than holding on forever and eventually becoming the bag-holder. I bought bitcoin at $4K and sold it at $14K, I was happy with my gains. It spiked up to $21K but crashed to $6K later. I was happy with gains and didn't care after I sold. The cost of monitoring bitcoin more closely and trying to exit at the ultra-optimal moment was a cost on my attention and emotions that I wasn't willing to bear. The tripling of my money was a gift. I've sat out the second explosion happily. 1. Because I have enough 2. I have better things to do 3. I don't like turning into a price-tracking trader person who attention is consumed by a chart beyond his control. I don't get jealous of people who get rich off this, I understand my limitation and can manage my emotions.

The truth needs so little rehearsal

I started my first relationship when I was 16. He was my best friend from church, a tall and awkward boy with a lopsided grin and wonky haircut and a penchant for Star Wars and video games. He followed me around a youth camp for a weekend, while I battled with whether I should be annoyed by his constant presence, or give in to the curiosity of what boys had to offer.

We kissed in the woods and he became my first. My first kiss, my first love, and my first heartbreak three years later.

I loved him with the same passionate intensity I remember seeing in the eyes and hearts of the teenagers I teach today. When puffy-eyed girls came to throw their woes of breakups and loss on my teacher’s desk, a piece of my heart broke with them. Because I remember how deep the love was.

I find myself defending the depth of what some might easily describe as puppy love. Colleagues would roll their eyes over the antics of teenagers entering and exiting these fleeting moments of love. I could see the yearning to be loved in the eyes of young women who hoped to fill the void left by absent fathers, insufficient mothers, and robbed childhoods. I saw them beg to be loved–often looking for the kind of emotional support only given by someone committed equally to reckless abandon–a disaster in the making from the start.

No 17 year-old boy is equipped to provide the support needed to save these girls. But God save them, they’d try. Or they’d enter into the equation unknowingly committing themselves to a business venture doomed to failure. No foundation, a house waiting to crumble under the weight of years of neglect and of jerry rigged patchwork repairs.

But it’s certainly fun while it lasts.

Because in those three years I learned what it was to love without fear, to explore our bodies knowing full and well that neither of us had a clue what to do…I remember being so embarrassed to buy condoms for our first time that we drove an extra 15 minutes away to find the Walmart where we didn’t think people we knew shopped.

I remember getting so irritated to have to buy them that we opted to buy the huge box (which I jokingly referred to as the “Family size.”) We had to sneak…which was part of the fun. Because his mom was a snoop, we hid a backup condom in a random Aviary Guide leftover from Scouting, so sex became referred to as “Birdwatching.” I learned a lot about birdwatching in 3 years.

I learned how my blood flows, how my back arches, and how my fingers find sheets or clothing or skin to grip in anticipation of release. I became skillful in avoiding a stick shift on my left knee and how to use a headrest for support when fucking in the front seat. I lied, made him lie, and spent too many nights “at the library” to justify my lackluster 3.8 GPA–so I could feel the intimacy of another kindred soul, just trying to get through life.

And it was beautiful. I was so very lucky, I didn’t have drama or insecurity, or unfulfilled curiosity in high school. I got to love with reckless abandon until college came, and we went our separate ways.

The scariest day came when I realized I was alone. That my silly dreams were never going to work out. And I had to start over.

So I did what every good trooper does. I wiped my tears, packaged up the tender pieces left from my broken heart, and I became a woman.

And I was fearless. Fearless because I knew that power comes from being the person who cares the least.

I knew what I liked, and for an 18 year old, that’s dangerous knowledge. And it’s sexy. I could be bold and courageous and get what I wanted because I laid out the terms (with no uncertainty) that I was willing to offer XYZ in exchange for ABC. I’m not looking for love (I wasn’t) and you can’t fall in love (or I’m out.)

So I thoroughly enjoyed most of my twenties. I had short affairs, long-standing agreements, and some in-between. I knew when it was time to cut out, reiterate the rules, and from time to time, when to cheat to seal the deal.

Because I was powerfully in control of my wants, my needs, and desires.

I am not proud of some of the people I’ve hurt along the way. In retrospect, a few deserved a chance at more. But I don’t live with an ounce of regret. Until perhaps, now.

Because when I met Lee, he was broken. And I was growing tired of the game. So I swooped in, gave him a shoulder to cry on, and mended his brokenness with my faithful determination to make his (and my) life better. I was devoted in a way I had never been. Because I was rewriting the rules and I figured (I’m laughing as I type this) that if I did this “right” that it had to work. If I closed my eyes to curious contenders, and became his cheerleader, that I would be able to fill the gaps left from his broken childhood, his negligent mother, and his fearful single father.

I could be his hero.

A month ago in counseling Deborah (who I am convinced is the smartest listener I’ve ever met) asked him, “Do you believe that unconditional love exists?” And he quickly responded, no hesitation, “No, of course not.”

I’m not sure I spoke for the rest of the session.

People with Attachment Disorder, which loosely is described as a condition that stems from an insecure childhood from birth-3 years of age, often feel that no one is capable of a love that conquers all. Because of this, when things are “too good” they self-sabotage.

For me, that meant discovering a series of indiscretions including a year-long affair with my best friend, and a half-dozen other affairs over the last five years.

I loved this man unconditionally until I just felt stupid.

So everyday I choose to love my children, with passionate intensity, because I’ll be damned if they grow up believing that true love can’t exist. And I’ve tried over the last year to find joy in everyday living with my husband, because I have hope that he’ll learn to accept his past and embrace the life that’s sitting in front of him.

But I owe it to myself and my children to love myself unconditionally, too,

In retrospect, if I’m really being honest with myself, I never took that packaged shattered heart off my high school shelf. It’s still tucked away under piles of useless shit gathered over the years.

When you described the part of sex when someone really lets go, the sentiment slammed me in the stomach. In truth, it made me cry. I know exactly what that moment is, how it feels, and why it would be an intoxicating moment to share with someone.

You’re an odd duck, Dr. Wiener. Too smart for your own britches. You’re too smart, too fit, and too self-confident for my taste. I feel like I’d never feel beautiful enough, thin enough, or smart enough to rally wits in a debate. I have a 156 IQ, but I’m not well-read and I don’t have a slew of letters scrambling after my name. I’m 6 classes shy of my Masters because I had kids. You win on too many counts. And you know how to ask the right questions and dig in to capture the essence of a conversation, minus the bullshit I’ve learned to use. I feel like sleeping with you would be a battle. I’d be too concerned with telling my brain to shut up, while attempting to keep my head above water. And let’s face it. I’m a hot mess.

Talking to you is like being forced to dance in front of a floor to ceiling mirror. I love dancing–just don’t make me watch.

But I am very thankful to have met you. You have made me think about my life in a new way. And when you talk about integrity, it made me realize something very important. I never want to act in a way that I have to make unnecessary excuses for.

Since we started talking, I’d be lying if I said I’ve gone an hour without thinking about you. I’m telling you this with the caveat that I’m a level-headed woman and you don’t have to reiterate that it’s foolish to “have feelings” for you. I get it. I know the rules. You’re not my hero and you can’t fix things, blah blah blah. You’re just a beautiful escape. You aren’t fully real to me, so I want to know more.

The day will come when we go 2, then 3 weeks without a text or call, and you’ll eventually be a fond memory or someone I could call for an honest appraisal of life. No hard feelings.

And maybe, who knows, we’ll meet and it’ll be one of those moments when we see each other and it’s like waking up after a drunken hook-up and the person you thought you met doesn’t match the memory. Unfortunate, but fun while it lasted.

It’s 12:57. And I’m sleepy. I’ll read over this once, but know it’s the best draft you’re gonna get. I’m not writing to be nearly as witty as you. You win. ;)

directly copied to reply to- original post here: http://paula-deens-fuckboy.tumblr.com/post/156424800265/ok-but-how-are-you-going-to-go-around-saying-that ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Source: paula-deens-fuckboy Every decent human being in our race is against pedophilia, there’s no ‘high horse’ or entitlement here, it’s a basic moral line that most of our society possesses. The fact that you and your little pedo-patrol defense system don’t understand that doesn’t make the rest of society stuck up, it makes you all lower than the rest of us morally and intellectually. You’re the odd ones out, and you really don’t seem to understand that judging by how you think me shutting down pedophile culture is some statement of self supremacy. I have no RIGHT to criticize pedophilia culture? Actually, shockingly I know, I do. Everyone has the right of criticism, everyone has the right of reviewing product that is being sold, and most importantly- it isn’t just a right, EVERY adult is RESPONSIBLE for shutting down pedophilia culture in other adults. Not only do I have a legal right to criticize your useless friend but I have a damn good reason to do it. The fact that you think random magic AU’s or whatever are comparable to pedophile culture is another indication that you have absolutely no solid grasp of reality and common sense, as if we needed another. I don’t even know how to address your personal opinion, because you’re.. You’re too self-righteous and morally bankrupt to even argue with. This ‘youre bitter because “Sig” wouldn’t draw you art’ idea is so akin to that junior high ‘You’re just jealous’ argument, both are inaccurate silencing techniques. You’re all so damn entitled and pretentious that you dare think that nobody would speak out against “sig” if it weren’t for jealousy, that is batshit fucked up, this level of narcissism is so high for an average-to-mediocre tumblr artist who doesn’t draw anything interesting. To be honest, I didn’t know who “Sig” was until yesterday, when someone on my dash spontaneously reblogged their pedo shit, so this notion that I’ve got ulterior motives (because how could someone JUST be against pedophilia? That’s so whack) is absolutely narcissistic bullshit that you’re all using in an unsuccessful attempt to discredit my person. But it greatly interests me that you see “sig’s” client base/people who wish to purchase their porn, as inherently small minded and dense, and incapable of average debate. But hey, it’s easier to think someone is ‘just bitter’ than to admit and evaluate that you’re standing up for a pedophilic dipshit who isn’t a special enough artist to deserve this amount of your effort, right? Don’t project, it doesn’t hold up in debate. Not that Anyone Asked for your personal opinion, which is uneducated and unimportant anyways, but absolutely everything to do with it is evidence that you don’t have a single clue what you’re arguing against, your response is literally nothing, none of it makes sense. 1) You use the word hypocritical when it’s not applicable, 2) you pull a junior high argument which you have no evidence or back up for, 3) you try to bring my URL into it when it’s very obviously a blatant joke and isn’t applicable to the argument at hand. (But who could ever know that? How were you to know that someone isn’t actually identifying as a ‘fuckboy’ for a senior citizen from Texas? It’s too believable) 4) There’s nothing redeemable to read, to make those other 3 mistakes look less silly. You haven’t said a single thing that has lead me to believe that you have a merit-able argument to offer me, you haven’t made a single bound in convincing me that your side of the argument makes a lick of sense. All you can do is spout insults without fact because you don’t have any fact that you can actually back up. You have no sense of grammar, no sense of structure, you can’t make a point that could stand in any reasonable debate, and then you have the audacity to tell me I have a small mind. Now that, and please take this in as it is an important lesson for you to learn, that is hypocrisy. Do you understand what hypocrisy means now? Probably not but I digress. Absolutely everything you have said to me is hypothetical trash, you are a laughing stock, you’re an embarrassment to yourself and your friend and you’re making you both look like bigger jokes than ever, maybe you should hand the reigns over to someone with an IQ higher than that of a fetus. From.. Well, everything about you, I’m expecting your next reply to be something nonsensical… again. I know that you don’t have an argument beyond blabbering and whining and cheap cop-outs, or you would have included it in your first reply. I don’t argue with people who don’t have the basic skill to debate, I’m not willing to go in circles with someone who has absolutely nothing valuable to say, so don’t bother replying because I’m blocking you, as well. Maybe next time “Sig” will send someone who isn’t a complete embarrassment. Boy bye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, prefacing this with the understanding that some people are offended even by fictional/potential pedophilia, and I am not at all addressing everyone's beliefs here- my response to that is click unfollow, blacklist, and know it doesn't offend everyone. These comments are ment solely for this individual since they think a half ass rant at their callousness is the best I can do. As for your bloated ego, let me address the over stated drivel of your reply point by point since apparently the snap response of a pissed off rant struck enough of a nerve that you had to attempt to justify your forcing idiocy on other people. "every decent human being" clearly "decent" and "capable of separating fiction" are not on the same level in your brain here. an *intelligent* human being would be capable of understanding that this character was a work of fiction to begin with and therefore any depiction of them in any other age rage/gender/otherwise alternative form is as valid as the original. If we were discussing a *REAL* personage, your "decent" descriptor might have merit, but as we are not, its an invalid outlook. As that is the case, my original comment of "high horse" is indeed correct. Your attempts at forcing one "valid" view of a fictional peice of work are nothing short of you assuming your view is the only one that has the right to exist and that fiction has no right to do anything except mirror reality. You're not an activist shutting down pedo-culture, you're hiding in the kiddy sandbox of tumblr cutting people you think are safe because they aren't part of the real problem; you twist fiction into unacceptablity because you think you can hide your own emotional and intellectual failings behind big SJW wanna be movements. You have every right to criticize, but criticism and destructive behavior are two totally separate entities. You have a right to criticize ACTUAL pedo-culture, not what you as a individual take offense to and try to smother in a disagreeable outlook for your own justification at destruction. If your the buyer, you have a right to critique, you weren't buying it, so keep your nosy overbearing self the fuck out of it. Adults have a responsibility to protect children, not slink around and project their own destructive judgments on what they find offensive. Your only "legal" right here is to your freedom of speech, you have no legal bearing to decide what is moral or valid on a piece of art that is based on FICTION. If the art was titled after a real kid, and the image was clearly a sexual representative of wanting to have sex with a kid and with the disclaimer "oh they are 18 so its fine" slapped on, you'd have moral ground. It's not, you don't, so how about you reevaluate your grasp on reality vs fiction before you even try to find the gaps in mine. (also just a side note, fuck you for your pathetic attempt at demoralizing a wonderful person by calling them useless just because you take offense at me, come at me of you think that kind of behavior is warrented.) You have no place to address my personal opinion actually, thats the point. It's my opinion. You can dislike it, you can say I'm wrong, but its my right to say it and yours to disagree. I'm hardly self righteous, I'm a bitch and I know it. But you obviously think opposite of what you say if you think I can't be argued with and then go on for 5 more paragraphs. It's definitely junior high, l'll give you that, but considering your the one going "I don't like it so it shouldn't exist wah wah" I feel we have a shared stage there. And it was hardly meant to silence, it was meant to point out that your attacking a very talented person on the basis of "your likes" and the fact that "your an artist too" so there is some comparison of purpose there, sorry you didn't appreciate that. Who is this "all"? this is just me. So clearly I'm not the only who is getting the jealously vibe from your so called "arguments". And you continue to encourage this when you attack someone's skill set and choice of project in direct response to critism of your own failings and jackass opinionated ranting. Whether or not you knew who they were, I'd believe your actually against pedophilia, reasonable and moral people tend to be. You don't really fit either category to a T, but I'll take your candor in trying as a pass there. I, however, never implied their clientele was anything. I said the clients they REJECTED were small minded and dense, specifically YOU are small minded and dense. Other rejections seem to have taken it well enough that I would have to apologize for the vagueness of that statement. Oh, I am certainly not one for taking the easy road, I didn't choose to point out the other failings and things as I am doing now because it wasn't worth the effort. I am standing up against you specifically being destructive to one of the artists who make sure their art and adult content is not easily accessible to minors. And if you continue to make slandering remarks against them, I will point out that your making my point in that your jealous. *I* am the one here calling your bullshit, they have done nothing but create and image you have an issue with. Instead of coming for me, you have to keep tossing in that "they" are useless, "they" are a dipshit, "they" aren't special. Fuck you. You have nothing but disreputable and disgusting things to say, your opinion screams of jealousy. So either you can debate on provable points that tie to your opinion, and keep the badmouthing to myself since I am the one arguing here, or you can keep screaming jealous crybaby and whine more when I continue to call you out on it. No one asked, but it's my response so I can say what I like. Unlike you, I specifically noted it as a personal opinion with no reasonable baring on the argument. Your assumptions are scattered throughout your writing as if they are fact. Camouflage away, I ain't afraid to take responsibility for what I think, don't need to hide it in bullshit. 1) hypocritical, behaving in a way that suggests one has higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case.- your claims that you have a moral standing of making art without pedophilia makes you better then an artist doing the same thing. Hmm. seems applicable. 2)junior high argument, clearly labeled as personal opinion therefore evidence not required, as just stated. 3) also labeled personal opinion, but its okay to be gross when its a joke in your opinion. Noted and disagreed with. It's juvenile and disgusting so fuck off with trying to justify it. 4) how is this a point of fact? again, separate opinion. I don't have to convince you of jack shit. I made that rant because I was expressing that you have gods awful intention as far as I was concerned and exercising my right to free speech. It was a rant and the fact you responded so aggressively means I hit a nerve, so *now* I am making legitimate claims and points. The fact that you'd choose to believe that was anything more then a venting of disgust with your behavior and assuming that it was all I was capable of is your own failing. These last few paragraphs are repetitive aggressions meant to extend your reply and make it look intelligent. Your making no points except to attack my person, again presented as fact. But to address the one valid comment- no one "sent" me, fucker. I typed this because anon is ridiculous and you can fucking come at me all you like cause I don't give a fuck. You, and anyone who thinks its right to attack over fiction, are WRONG. You are wrong to attack them, you are wrong to be destructive to a fictional community, and you are a jealous piece of shit that needs to stop trying to tear other people down because you can't get the same recognition without being a jackass.