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mrsaguapapi · 1 year

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Ch 1 Ch 2

Chapter 3

Eyes Wide Shut

The Vibe:

La Llorona-Carmen Goett

I sit on the balcony of my therapist's apartment, I can hear the busy city streets below us and the fluttering wings of birds in the sky. We've been doing this for a few weeks now, and each session brings me closer to healing but it's only an inch at a time to a mile-long worth of trauma.

I sit in my seat obviously unable to see the sun but I can feel the warm summer heat grace my face. My therapist hands me a joint and I take a deep inhale, feeling the familiar calming effect of the ✨jazz lettuce✨. She is definitely an "out-there" professional technically no longer licensed but she continues to work with associates of Japan's underground crime syndicates; she for whatever reason, relates well to us criminals (both past and current). She was a small, unassuming woman who has been described to me as a 'Sweet gal, with tired eyes and a perpetually weary expression'

We sit in comfortable silence for a few moments before my therapist speaks up. "So, Ari, what's been on your mind since our last session? How have the nightmares been lately?" My therapist asked

"They're back," I admitted, throwing my head back and exhaling dramatically "It's like I'm reliving everything again."

She nodded. "Tell me about it. What's been coming up for you?"

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "It's always the same thing. The night I had to take out the Hive. In my dreams, It's like it's all happening again, and I can't stop it."

My therapist leaned forward, her eyes never leaving mine. "You need to lay it all out on the table, Ari. You can't keep pushing it down and pretending it never happened. It's always going to be there, lurking in the background until you deal with it head-on."

I knew she was right, but it was hard to hear. I didn't want to relive those memories, to feel the pain and the guilt and the shame all over again. But I also knew that I couldn't keep living like this, trapped in my own head, reliving my nightmares every night.

"I know," I said finally. "I just... I don't know how to start."

"Start with the beginning," my therapist said gently. "Just lay it all out, explain it to me as if I have never heard of the Yakuza"

And so I did.

My father was an assassin, a highly skilled one at that. He was on a mission to take out a house of child sex traffickers, most of their victims were between the ages of 10-16. I was 1 years old at the time, I learned later in life that I was the daughter of one of the trafficked children. She died of malnourishment just days before we were saved; they planned to raise me into the sex trade as I was a "Rare Find" in the Japanese child trafficking market, and , not many black children were involved.

Fortunately for me, my father Tanaka found me. All of the children that were saved were going to be home with families in the area except me. I was deemed unwanted by the community because of my color. He without a word took me and raised me as his own.

My father was a man of few words, but his actions spoke volumes. He had been orphaned and living on the streets at a young age but managed to work his way into the yakuza and up the ranks; eventually, he became a respected member of the criminal organization.

He was a solitary man who preferred to keep to himself, but when he took me under his wing, he became a dedicated and loving father. He was tough on me, and he taught me what he knew, albeit not the best practice to teach your daughter the *art* of assassination. When I went blind he was nothing but caring he got me Yukio for additional support, but he did not let up on me one bit, he treated my blindness as an obstacle, not a disability.

Despite his gruff exterior, my father had a deep love for me, I think I was the only one that understood him. He was fiercely protective of me and would do anything to keep me safe. We were inseparable, and even when we weren't working together, we spent all of our free time together. Granted, we did a lot of...questionable things. Assassinations, kidnappings, drug deals. You name it, we did it. But I cherished every moment I had with him.

"You say 'had'?" she questions, "Is he no longer with us?"

I take another hit from my joint and try to hold back some of my tears, "I'm not ready to talk about it yet, is that okay?" I exhale and sniffle a bit

"Of course, would you like to continue, or do you need a break?"

"I'm okay," I say

"Proceed" she gave me the floor once again.

Together we climbed the hierarchy of the yakuza, and he eventually became a boss. There was pushback about me being a member of the Yakuza due to my blindness but I soon proved to be a force to be reckoned with. We ran an empire together for a few years before the night of my merciless execution of the Hive. The night I became Kokushibyō, the Black Death.

The Hive was a clan of assassins from a rival gang in Japan. They were known to be ruthless and cunning, and they specialized in kidnappings and assassinations of rival gangs and political figures in Japan. One night, they kidnapped the daughter of one of our allies, the Yakuza boss called Nomad. As a sign of good faith, my father sent me and my team to retrieve the kidnapped girl the boss.

But things didn't go as planned. We were ambushed and my entire team was killed. It was just me left to finish the mission by myself. I was outnumbered, but I manage to take out nearly 100 men on my own and retrieved the child before reinforcements came.

I killed so many people that night. And the worst part is, I didn't feel anything. I was just...numb. Like I was in a trance," I say, my eyes filling with tears.

That night changed everything for me. I was traumatized by the experience and realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't be an assassin, not after what had happened. So, I retired from the business, much to my father's disappointment. But he understood, in his own way. He loved me, and he knew that I had to do what was right for me. I found a love for cooking so I moved out here and built my restaurant. I'm living a good life, I love my business, and my dog, even this Jujustu stuff is kinda cool, and yet I still feel empty, worthless, and scared.

"Scared of what?" She asks

"That I'm a monster..."

"Ari, you are not a monster. The fact that you feel remorse for your actions and worry about your impact on others shows that you have a conscience and are a caring person."

"But I killed so many people that night. I don't think I can ever forget what I did."

"It's understandable to feel that way, but you have to understand that you were doing what you had to do to protect someone. You were acting in self-defense and defense of others. It's not like you went out of your way to harm innocent people."

"But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the violence and the power I had over them."

"That doesn't make you a monster either. It's natural to feel a rush of adrenaline and excitement in situations like that. It's important to recognize those feelings and work on managing them, but it doesn't make you a bad person."

I sigh and wipe my tears, "Thank you, I needed to hear that"

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The Vibe:

Jaded-Ms. White

After another 20 mins, we wrap up our session, and I Uber to Jujustu Tech. I've been at this now for about 6 months and it's honestly not so bad; working with these kids brings me joy, and reminds me of me and my father when we would train together.

Bittersweet

Today, I prepare for my training sessions with the teachers and other sorcerers. It's become a weekly routine for me and just about everyone has had at least one session with me. I take pride in my ability to train others in combat and weapons, despite my blindness.

Atsuyu, however, refuses to come back. I think I may have scared him a bit. He probably thought he would have the upper hand with me since I can't see, but I've become an excellent swordsman through years of training.

Shoko is a regular attendee and we've become good friends over time. She may not be the best fighter, but I've seen improvement in her skills.

Ijichi is another regular attendee who surprised me with his combat skills. He may appear timid at first, but he's actually a powerhouse in combat.

Mei Mei and the principal have also come to a few sessions. It's been fun working with them individually and seeing their progress. Overall, I enjoy these training sessions and the opportunity to share my skills with others.

As for Gojo and Nanami not so much. Gojo claims he's the best jujutsu sorcerer and doesn't need any help or notes. Typical Gojo. As for Nanami, he's been completely silent since our fight months ago. I'm afraid I might have crossed a line with him. He hasn't said a word to me since that day. It's been bothering me, but I don't know what to do about it.

I put Yukio on her leash and stepped out of my apartment, I couldn't help but feel the sun beating down on my skin. It was one of the hottest days of the summer, and I had to come up with a way to combat the heat. I decided to wear a pleated mini skort and white cropped top, paired with a set of white heels that strap around my ankles. The outfit was minimalistic, yet practical enough to keep me cool. My hair was braided up into long box braids, a protective hairstyle for the heat.

On my back was a mini backpack, which had all my training attire inside. It was Sunday afternoon, and I had to make my way to the training rooms. I was so engrossed in my thoughts about the new dish I had been experimenting with that I didn't even notice someone was closely approaching me until almost too late.

I take a deep breath to steady myself as Mr. Nanami's scent fills my nose. Evergreen and lemons. He always smells like that. "Mr. Nanami," I say, trying to keep my voice even.

He seems taken aback that I recognized him. "You knew it was me?"

I nod, even though I know he can't see it. "Your scent is very distinct," I explain. "Plus, I remember your voice from our fight."

There's a moment of silence before he speaks again. "I see," he says, still sounding surprised. "I apologize for startling you."

"It's okay," I say, shrugging it off. "I was lost in thought, so it's not your fault."

I hear him take a step closer to me. "What were you thinking about?" he asks, his voice low.

I hesitate for a moment before answering. "A new dish I've been experimenting with," I say. "I'm thinking about adding it to the menu at my restaurant."

There's a pause before he speaks again. "What kind of dish is it?"

I grin, excited to talk about my cooking. "It's a fusion dish," I explain. "A mix of Japanese and Jamaican flavors. Jerk chicken with a miso glaze."

He lets out a small awkward chuckle. "That sounds interesting."

Is he nervous?

"Did you need me for something?" I ask curiously, as I bend down and unleash Yukio. She goes to her usual spot by the window.

"I owe you an apology," he says suddenly. "I underestimated you as a fighter and let my pride get in the way. I've been avoiding you for the past six months because I was ashamed and embarrassed."

I am taken aback by his words. I never thought he would apologize to me. "No, Mr. Nanami, it's me who should apologize. I went too far in our sparring session, and I'm sorry."

He chuckles, "We're both apologizing to each other, it seems. Let's just call it even and move on, shall we?"

I nod, feeling relieved, "I'd like that," I say smiling

"Great," he says, "Well, while I'm here would you mind training with me today?"

"Yes!" I say maybe a little more excited than I should have. I calm down and smoothly say "Uh yea. Just let me change into proper clothes real quick."

He clears his throat, "Of course" he responds

I quickly gather my things and head to the women's locker room slipping into my athletic attire, feeling the smooth fabric against my skin. The outfit is lightweight and easy to move in, perfect for my training sessions. I slip on a pair of sneakers and throw my hair into one giant braid.

When I return to the training area, Nanami is already there, warming up with a few stretches. I take a deep breath and walk over to him, ready to get started. We ease into my training routine practicing our punches and kicks, working on our endurance, and building our core. I take a step back and observe Nanami's form, listening to his movements.

As I stand behind Mr. Nanami, I can feel the tension in his body when he throws his punches. I can sense that his form is wrong, and I can't help but want to step in and help him.

"Stop" I semi command, "Your form is wrong," I say stepping towards him. "Is it okay if I help position you?" I ask gesturing my hands

"Sure" He responds

As I reach out to fix his form, my hand brushes against his arm, and I feel a jolt of electricity shoot through my body. I move him into position, adjusting his stance and correcting his form. As I do, I can feel his body tense up at first, but then he relaxes under my touch.

There's an unspoken tension between us, and I can't help but feel a rush of emotions. I'm not sure if it's the intimacy of the moment or if there's something more between us. But I push those thoughts aside and focus on helping him.

After a few more adjustments, I step back and let him continue the routine. Eventually, we wrap up our training session, and Nanami and I move into a cool-down workout to relax our muscles. As we were stretching, he asked me for some feedback on his performance.

I take a deep breath and think for a second before I replied, "Mr. Nanami, your punches are powerful, but your form is off. You need to relax more, be more fluid." I pause for a moment before continuing, "You're a tense fighter," I replied. "That's great when you're on the defensive, but you need to be more adaptable. You have to be able to make fast, small, delicate movements; adapt to your opponent's movements, not just overpower them. I hope you don't mind me saying this but I think you could benefit from some more regular training sessions," I said, tentatively.

"I agree, Ari. I can see that I have a lot to learn from you. Your combat skills are impressive, it's almost inspiring." he says

I couldn't help but smiles and blush at that little statement, I turn my head away before responding, "Thank you, Mr. Nanami"

We exchanged a few more pleasantries before parting ways

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After Nanami left, I spent another hour training with my karambit blades. The sound of metal clashing against metal was music to my ears as I worked on my techniques. However, my concentration was interrupted when I heard a commotion somewhere in the school. It was distant, but it was enough to catch my attention. Weapons in hand I make my way to the commotion with Yukio close behind me.

As the sound of chaos and destruction filled the air, I could sense that something was terribly wrong. Suddenly, I heard screams and the sound of glass shattering. I rushed to the source of the noise, with my blades up in a defensive position. As I arrived, I hear two people in the heat of a vicious fight. From the sound and smell of it, it was Nanami and.

Yuji?

But he sounds different and he smells different.

Could this be the cursed spirit that lives inside him? Sukuna....

Nanami was trying to contain Yuji as best as he could but was eventually kicked into a wall completely stunned. I knew I had to act fast to save him," Yukio Stay' I command before approaching. With a burst of adrenaline, I charged forward and slashed at Sukuna with my karambit knives. The sound of metal clashing against bone filled the air as I fought to keep him away from Nanami.

Despite my blindness, I could feel the tension and power of Sukuna's attacks. But I also knew that I had to protect Nanami at all costs. I could hear him groaning in pain, and I knew that I had to do everything in my power to keep him alive.

For the first few moments, I felt like I was holding my own. I was able to dodge Sukuna's attacks and land a few strikes of my own. But soon enough, I realized that it was a lost cause. Sukuna was simply too powerful.

Despite my best efforts, I found myself getting worn down. He was relentless, and I couldn't keep up. My movements became sluggish, and my attacks lacked their usual precision. It was as if all my training and experience had been for nothing.

Sukuna's attacks were powerful and relentless, and I could feel my strength fading fast. I knew I needed to do something, anything, to protect Nanami. So, I made a quick decision and used my body as a shield while yelling at Yukio, "YUKIO GET HELP! AGHk-" Sukuna's cursed energy hit me hard, and I felt the searing pain of his attack, but I held on tight, refusing to let go. I can hear Yukio running out barking for help as Sukuna continues to attack me several times back to back.

Hopefully, I can buy him some time.

Sukuna surprisingly stops and takes a step back, "I admire your tenacity, little warrior," Sukuna chuckles, feeling the power struggle within Yuji's body. "You fought with such ferocity, even to protect someone who you barely know"

"Fuck off!" I hiss

"Ha! I like your spirit, girl," Sukuna says, amused. "You fought like a true warrior, and I was honored to spar with you."

Breathless and defeated, I lay on the ground, waiting for Sukuna to strike me down. But to my surprise, he stopped and spoke.

"You're quite skilled, for a human. But despite your amazing skill you fight at a disadvantage, you have the potential to be so much more." I hear him grunt in irritation, "Damn brat. I don't have much time doll, I can feel the brat fighting back for control, so before I go I'd like to leave you with a parting gift."

"Keep your fucking gif-" I say before getting snatched up by my hair. I scream out in pain as he forcefully holds my head back. I then hear him bite his hand and hold it over my face. He began to drip blood onto my face and into my mouth. He held me so tight that I couldn't fight back. He then practically throws me down to the ground, I couldn't react in time so I hit the concrete hard. I try to raise my body and stand but stumble back down to my knees as I start to feel an intense rush of euphoria coursing through my veins. It's a feeling I've never experienced before, and for a moment, I'm lost in its intoxicating embrace.

But just as quickly as the feeling comes, it's gone, replaced by a searing pain in my eyes. It's like someone is squeezing them in a vice, and I can feel a burning sensation spreading through my head.

I try to rub my eyes to ease the pain, but it only seems to make it worse; fortunately, the pain finally subsides after a few minutes. I blink several times in disbelief. Colors and shapes begin to form before my eyes, and I realize that I can see. At first, everything was just a blur of colors and shapes. I couldn't make out anything clearly, but I could see light for the first time in years. It was overwhelming and painful, like needles poking into my eyes. I squinted and rubbed them, trying to adjust to the sudden influx of visual information. As my eyes gradually adapted, the shapes and colors began to coalesce into recognizable forms

I looked down at my hands and saw them in a whole new light. I had gotten used to not being able to see them, but now they were right in front of me, and I could see every detail. The lines on my palms, the curve of my fingers, the scars and calluses from years of training. It was overwhelming.

"What did you do," I asked with tears welling up in my eyes starting to freak out from this sudden miracle.

Can you call it a miracle?

Sukuna smirks. "Until we meet again, little warrior" With that, Sukuna's control over Yuji weakens, and he disappears, leaving Yuji in control again.

The Vibe:

YKWIM?-Yot Club

I couldn't believe it, I had my sight back after 10 years. But it was too much for me to handle all at once. The light was blinding and everything was too vivid. My senses were heightened to an almost unbearable level. I could smell every single scent in the air, hear every single sound around me, and feel every single texture on my skin. I was completely overwhelmed and overstimulated.

The taste of blood was still in my mouth and it was even stronger now, like it was amplified along with my other senses. I was hyper-aware of every drop of blood on my skin and Mr. Nanami's as well. I couldn't even stand the sound of my breathing. It was all too much.

Feeling like I was about to lose control, I closed my eyes and covered my ears with my hands. It helped a little, but I could still feel the overwhelming sensations. I needed to take a moment to collect myself before I could face what was happening.

Yuji approached slowly, his voice shaking as he spoke. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone," he said, his eyes filled with tears. "I couldn't control myself. Sukuna took over."

I could hear the fear and remorse in his voice, but I couldn't bear to look at him, "Please stay back, Yuji," I said, my voice shaky. "Please, just stay back." I tried to stand up, but my legs felt weak and shaky, and I stumbled.

Nanami grabbed my arm, using his other hand to support himself as we leaned on each other. "We need to get out of here," he said, his voice strained. "Yuji, help us." Nanami placed his hand gently on my shoulder, trying to calm me down. "Ari, it's okay. Sukuna is gone now. Yuji is back in control," he said soothingly.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes, feeling a little more in control of my senses. I could see Nanami's worried expression and Yuji's somber one. I looked down at my hands and saw them shaking, covered in my own blood and Sukuna's.

"I... I can see," I said, still in disbelief. "It's been so long." Suddenly I hear barking and someone running. I look and see Yukio and Shoko.

Shoko rushes over to us and immediately starts checking on Nanami's injuries, quickly working to stop his bleeding and stabilize him. She then turns her attention to me, I'm still visibly shaken and overstimulated from the sudden return of her sight.

Shoko starts talking to me in a soft, soothing tone, trying to calm me down and assess my condition. She asks me questions about how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing, and I try my best to answer her, though my mind is still reeling from everything that's happened.

After a few moments, Shoko administers a sedative to help me calm down and rest. As the medication starts to take effect, my senses begin to dull, and the overwhelming sensations start to fade away.

I feel a sense of relief wash over me as I start to relax, knowing that Shoko is here to take care of us and that we're in good hands. After I've calmed a bit I stand and pick up Yukio; as I hold my dog in my arms, tears streaming down my face. Yukio nuzzles into my chest, and I can feel her little heart beating against mine. For a moment, I forget about the chaos that just happened and the pain in my body. It's just me and Yukio, reunited after all this time.

I bury my face in her fur, taking in her scent and feeling her warmth against me. It's a small moment of peace amid all the chaos. And for that, I'm grateful.

Shoko and Yuji look at me with concern, but they don't say anything. They know I need this moment with my dog. After a few minutes, I finally pull away from Yukio and wipe my tears, "Where are the others?" I ask

"Come I'll take you to them," Shoko says

Yuji helps Nanami up and we all walk to regroup with everyone else. We make it to the infirmary where the others were, fortunately, it was only a few of us; Nanami, Yuji, Shoko, Panda, Inumaki, Nobara, Megumi, Ijichi, and myself. No one is dead, just a lot of injuries. Everyone checks in with each other nursing each other's wounds. I stay with Nanami as Shoko attends to Nanami's wounds; she wraps up with him and moves to the next person.

As I look at Nanami, tears begin to stream down my face. "Is everyone going to be okay?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

Nanami looks at me with a reassuring smile. "Yes, we'll all be fine. We'll recover quickly don't worry" he says.

"Okay," I say beginning to feel nauseous because of the strong scent of blood

Nanami puts a hand on my shoulder. "Ari, are you okay?" he asks, concern etched on his face.

I shake my head, my eyes still brimming with tears. "No, not really. This was extremely triggering for me. The smell of blood is making me sick and I'm feeling pretty overstimulated and a bit manic. I need to go home." I confess.

"I don't think you should be alone right now. I'm worried about you." Nanami responds, "What can I do to help?"

"Can-Can you help me get home?" I ask weakly

"Of course" He raises out of his seat and grunts a little from the pain before standing, "Come" He puts his jacket over me and Yukio while wrapping an arm around me to help me walk, I sense he needed the help too, "I'm taking Ari home," he said with a tone that said don't ask questions. Everyone looked concerned but nodded in agreement.

Nanami leads me to his car and opens the door to the passenger side and help me in my seat; he even went as far as to buckle me in. He then climbed in next to me and closed the door, grunting slightly, and began to pull out of the parking lot of the school. The drive was about 20 min, It's almost overwhelming to see everything in such detail after being blind for so long. As we drive down the road, I can see people walking on the sidewalk, cars passing us by, and buildings towering up to the sky. We arrive outside my home and although the rides calmed me down a bit I couldn't shake off the feeling of dread that I had been carrying with me since my encounter with Sukuna. I didn't want to be alone right now, not after everything that had happened. So, I turned to Mr. Nanami and simply say, "Stay with me? Just for the night? I don't know why but I don't feel safe."

At first, he hesitates to answer but finally just nods yes in response, bringing me a sense of relief.

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What should Ari do now that she has her sight back? I think it's time for her to have some fun!

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riverdamien · 3 years

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Election Night Vigual

7:00 p.m.-1:00 A.M.

On Tuesday, 3 November—the night of the US elections— we will be in prayer before the Sacrament. Beginning at 7:00 pm and concluding at 1: a.m. P.S.T., as the polls close, and the counting continues, and people demonstrate on our streets, with fear of looting, we will pray in silence, punctuated by hourly psalms and litanies, praying for voters and government officials, for stability and transparency, for peace and justice, and for our shared political life. It will be a long night for the country; in the midst of this earthly uncertainty, we invite you to join us in watchful prayer, abiding together in the steadfastness of God.

We invite you to pray with us, and to read Mark Van Steenwyd’s article and asked yourself, what kind of hope do you need during this time in your life and the life of the people around us? Pray the Psalms 61, 62, and Psalm 68:1-36, read Mark’s article, asked yourself “What is the hope?”

The Blasphemy of Hope

Jesus imagined a world where alienation had ended, where all people could be a part of God’s family. He saw a world where love reigned, where all good things were shared by all and there was even some left over. He saw a world where people could know and be known by God. A world filled with joy. This is the world he envisioned when he called people to embrace the Gospel of the "Kingdom of God." Let’s be honest. When have any of us ever really experienced this world that Jesus came to inaugurate? Rarely have I experienced this thing Jesus called the “kingdom of God.” Usually, things fall short. Alienation remains. Injustice persists. Even (or perhaps especially) among Christians. We are nearly nine months into a pandemic with no end in sight. Climate change advances while the world's most powerful continue to despoil the earth for their own nefarious gain. In the United States, the threat of right-wing extremist violence grows as the election is mere hours away. If we compare the promises of God with the reality of most of humanity, it would seem that either God does not exist, or God has abandoned us. Yet I keep hoping. I hope for Jesus' vision to become enfleshed in my own life and actions, but also in real flesh-and-blood communities. And while there are glimpses of the kingdom all around us, they are rare specimens. I am a fool, longing for a world that exists, if at all, in fragments. To long for something that is beyond your reach can destroy your soul. Eventually, unfulfilled hopes bring a sort of death. After a lifetime of disappointment, many become broken, sad, resigned. They accept the world as it is, not because they find it beautiful, but because they no longer expect anything else. Still others become delusional. They experience a death of reality. They can’t bear to live without hope, so they deceive themselves. They tell themselves everything is ok. Climate change is fake news. The pandemic is a lie from the deep state. The signs of societal decline are exaggerated. America is Great and can become greater still. By all appearances, we live in a world abandoned by God. I have enough faith to see flickers of the Divine in rare moments. But I lack faith to see the inbreaking of the reign of God. The world marches towards death. The American Empire is in a state of perpetual war. Yet, at least statistically speaking, Christianity has never been stronger. In view of this reality, some people walk away from faith—not boldly the way converts to atheism do; rather, they give up hope. Others enter a repeating cycle of positive self talk, rejuicing weekly listening to platitudinous sermons and belting happy Jesus music. Perhaps their joyful piety is born of sincerity. But I believe that all worship devoid of lament is malnourished. Such worship is a sacred distraction—what Marx called the “opiate of the masses.” There is, I believe, a middle way. In the words of Jacques Ellul, “hope is the rejection of [the] real discrepancy between the eternal plan revealed in Jesus Christ and the concrete situation of the present…” If it is delusional to hope in something that doesn’t exist, then I embrace delusion. If it is foolish to believe in the reign of God, then call me a fool. The middle way is a knowing delusion—a willful delusion. Seeing the world through eyes that refuse to look away from pain and brokenness whilst refusing to give up hope. Like those who have resigned themselves for the world as-it-is, we need to be honest about the real brokenness we encounter in the world. Yet, like those who embrace lies in their attempts to cling to hope, we too need to be stubborn in our refusal to accept that the world as-it-is remains the final word. Perhaps this is enough. As Cesare Pavese writes:

Basically, the secret of life is to act as though we possessed the thing we most painfully lack. In that lies the whole doctrine of Christianity. To convince ourselves that everything is created for good, that the brotherhood of man [sic] really exists—and if that is not true, what does it matter? The comfort of this vision lies in believing it, not in whether it is real. For if I believe it, and you, and he, and everyone, it will become real.

But I believe we must go a step further in our willful delusion. Instead of trying to “be the change” we want to see in the world, we must shake heaven itself with our cries of lament. Rather than living as orphans, we must cry out to our Divine Parent. This is the subversive path—to live into the world with delusional hope as we cry out to God to make good on God's promises. As Jacques Ellul writes:

Hope comes alive only in the dreary silence of God, in our loneliness before a closed heaven, in our abandonment…God is silent, so it’s [humanity] who is going to speak…It is a demand. When God is silent, [God] has to be made to talk. When God turns away, [God] has to be made to turn back to us again. When God seems dead, [God] has to be made to exist. It can take the form of an anguished appeal, a complaint, a lamentation, or a prayer of repentance. It can also take the form of daring protest, of violence against God, of accusation…Hence, in a sense, it could be said that hope is blasphemous. It actually rejects the decision of God’s silence.

Our response in the midst of abandonment is to willfully hope when all evidence tells us it is foolish. We must become those people who refuse to accept the injustices and pain in this world. Instead, we must cry out and reject God’s silence as we live into the vision of Jesus.

“For God alone my soul in silence waits; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold, so that I shall not be greatly shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2

What is better than to be reminded by the psalmist that our salvation comes from God alone? No earthly principality or power can offer us the comfort and strength, the pardon and renewal that we receive in Jesus of Nazareth.

In a world that seems controlled by a 24-hour news cycle, moving from one scandal or outrage to the next, it is good to be reminded that we are living in but one moment on a stretch of time that spans millennia.

“All will be well”, and “this too will past”. Our hope rests only in God, for only God can bring us together as brothers and sisters. Amen.

Father River Damien Sims, sfw, D.Min., D.S.T.

P.O. Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

www.temenos.org

415-305-2124

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