#my name is isabela and it triggers me when people spell it like that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

visceralcoma · 6 years

Text

COCK AGE: THE MEASURING

Some friends of mine were asking how big certain characters were as I’ve seen my fair share of dicks. Big, small, long, thin, bendy, straight, floppy, stumpy, girthy, micro and oversized, and all soft and hard. I’ve seen a lot of dicks.

So I give you my personal headcanons of the range of length for each character. I based it on their country of origin in comparison to the real world counterparts’ average dick size. I also took into consideration certain habits and behaviors that stereotypically indicate either a smaller or a bigger package.

Disclaimers: These are what I extrapolated based on my OWN experiences. Not canon. These guesses are purely my own fanon.

COCK AGE: ORIGIN OF THE WEEN

Unfortunately I cannot even remotely guess any of the measurements for Alistair, Sten, or Oghren as they used default models DAO with no special outfits per character. I even investigated King Alistair in Inquisition, but unfortunately, crotch flap prevented me from looking too closely.

ZEVRAN: 6 to 7 inches / 13-17 cm

Reasoning: This is based on my experience with men who were above average, knew it, and were kind enough to offer massages to help relax certain muscles. But that is personal preference. And given Zevran grew up in a brothel...

Plus: average Penis length for Spanish men is 5.5 inches/13.97 cm. And for Italian men it’s 6.2 inches/15.748 cm.

Lay Review: 9.5/10 would recommend. Really great at sex, he was raised in a brothel of course he will be! But also really great at foreplay. Just be careful as he was hired to kill you. (Unless you’re kinky and like that, then 10/10!)

COCK AGE: TWICE AS THICK

ANDERS: 5.5 - ? inches / 13.97 - ? cm

Reasoning: He wears a freaking Mage robe half the time. He’s known for his electricity fingers from the Pearl in Denerim, which means he knows his way in the bedroom better than most of us. You can basically say he has any size you want and it works.

Lay Review: 9/10 Would recommend - Sorry you can incorporate SEX MAGIC into foreplay? Uhh yes please! But be careful of his nosey asshole roommate who likes to pop in unannounced.

CARVER: No. Okay by popular demand here is Carver’s dick size. -sighs-

5.5 to 9 inches / 13.97-22.86 cm

Reasoning: The average penis length for people in the UK is 5.5 inches. And I personally headcanon, that much like being bigger than Hawke, I think Carver is bigger in other areas as well. It’s why he gets to be so cocky and such a shit to Hawke because he knows he has at least something over his brother.

Lay Review: 10/10 Listen, the man had a favorite whore in the Blooming Rose that even Isabela knew it and could catch him. And he flirts easily with Isabela. He’s cocky but he’s not insufferable about it.

SEBASTIAN: 6 - 6.5 inches / 15.24 - 16.51 cm

Reasoning: The average penis length for people in the UK is 5.5 inches, but the UK did their own review and said with “stretching” it was closer to 6 and up. I say that’s cheating, but whatever, we’ll give it to them. They do say that the Scotsmen are bigger than average - with stretching.

Given Sebastian spent his youth chasing after the skirts of all the noble ladies, and many of them gossiped that he might take interest in them, I’m willing to bet he has above average length but also knows how to bloody well use it.

Lay Review: 5/10 would recommend, because you’re going to catch SOMETHING from this manwhore but you’ll have a damn good time of it. If you can pull him away to break his vows of celibacy that is.

FENRIS: 5 - 6 inches

Reasoning: He’s from Tevinter, and which has some inspirations from Central and Western Asian influences with Roman cultures. But he is also an elf and was a slave that was likely well fed as he was the “favorite.” His armor is fairly form fitting so he’s not overly big as to be noticeable. Heck, he probably has a crotch armor for protection, but nothing too constricting as he needs to move.

Lay Review: 1/10 - Would not recommend because you’re sleeping with someone who is starting to remember and has not yet recovered from being a sexual abuse victim to the point even touch triggers painful memories. (0/10 if you’re a male mage, because that would likely be triggering for Fenris as a Male Mage was his abuser)

COCK AGE: INQUISIT ME

VARRIC: 4 - 4.5 inches / 10.16 - 11.43 cm

Reasoning: Look he’s a dwarf. They are smaller, but they are also denser and thicker. So Varric’s got a big girthy thick cock even if it is under average

Lay Review: 7/10 would recommend, you’re gonna feel some pain having to stretch for him, but what he can’t reach for in length, he can make up for with his wicked tongue. Don’t under estimate a good “bed” time story. He may also accidentally call out Bianca’s name.

SOLAS: 4.5 - 5.5 inches / 11.43 - 13.97 cm

Reasoning: Hobo Apostate Solas, his crotch area is baggy, much like Cullen’s. Almost lumpy in some areas but usually smooth. No excessive bulge anywhere or any sort of presenting. However in Trespasser, his bulge is front and center, like it’s on display. A nice packaged bulb right there. And I know what you’re think, BIG DICK- saaadly no. The men who have the neat bulge like that have basically fluffed themselves up to appear like they are packing some sweet long heat. Also, the Greek standard of beauty for cocks was with smaller lengths. And given Solas’s vanity, seriously look at him in Trespasser, I think he PRIDES himself on being quite gorgeous.

Lay Review: 10/10 actually, even though I can’t stand him. But all the fun in the fade, no actual touching in the physical world. He’s the safest one to have sex with, No STDs. CAN’T GET PREGNANT IN THE FADE. For women, we basically get to experience the female equivalent of the male wet dream. In the Fade, his dick can be any size - heck it could be vibrating (or a wolf dick that knots for all you furries). He’s really wise so he knows ALL the tricks. Seriously, he’s probably the reverse of the Demolition Man.

BLACKWALL: 4 - 7 inches / 10.16-17.78 cm

Reasoning: Average Penis size for UK men is 5.5 inches/13.97 cm

Blackwall boosts that his sword is not compensation, but a counterweight. Guys that usually brag, don’t have the equipment they boast. (Sorry Bae!) But if he DOES have a big dick, then that is his one trick pony. He has the equipment but is shite at using it and probably jams it in with no foreplay. Which given his romance scene....

In that case, Blackwall really needs to listen to Sera’s advice.Just the fact Sera even felt PROMPTED to give him advice, says something. All the other sex talks he’s fine but it’s THIS one he felt uncomfortable:

Sera: I'll show you. I just need a peach. A ripe one, because if you do it right? Ripe! Down there.

Blackwall: Please, no peaches, ripe or otherwise.

Sera: Well I can't teach you bananas! That would be like showing you swords! Oh! Remember, do not use it like a sword.

Blackwall: How do I make this stop?

Lay Review: 6/10 Would recommend only if you don’t mind digging hay out of your asscrack. Or taking the time to teach him how to fuck.

DORIAN: 5 to 8 inches / 16.51-20.32 cm

Reasoning: Average Penis size for Pakistani men is 6 inches.

The scene where Dorian approaches you in the chambers, if you look, he has a noticeable gap between his thighs, almost like he’s intentionally making sure nothing erm... rubs. And Dorian is no skinny mage, he’s well muscled and thick enough for his thighs to press together. Therefore, he’s tucked. However a man can tuck and still walk fairly comfortably. It’s only when they are a little bigger do they have to make adjustments.

Lay Review: 7.5/10 would recommend (if I was masculine presenting). Dorian likes to be served (Inquisit me) by you, but damn if his orgasms aren’t fantastic. Make sure to have a water spell on hand, or... take down the curtains before hand ;) you exhibitionist you.

THE IRON BULL: 8.5 to 10 inches / 21.59 - 25.4 cm

Reasoning: Bull sounds overly cocky but NOT in his dick size, rather in foreplay. In my experience in alternative lifestyles, these men are amazing. They knew how to use what they had - and usually it wasn’t much. Barely average or even under. Now, you’ll note the size is still above average. Some of you might even be going ow! But that range I gave is average, maybe even UNDER average, for qunari. Add to the fact the size of Bull’s “black box” was appropriately sized for a big dick for HUMANS. Yeah... The Iron Bull is definitely average for Qunari. But he knows how to work it.

Lay Review: 8/10 Would recommend. I mean... who turns down to ride the bull? You WILL be sore, because... OW. But eh, for the experience right? Plus all us alternate lifestyle folks would get along REAL well with him.

CULLEN: 6.5 to 7 inches / 16.51-17.78 cm

Reasoning: Average Penis size for men from the Netherlands is 6.248 inches.

Cullen’s crotch appears quite um... lumpy, if you can view him without the flap. It’s not tight, but definitely snug and to the side a bit. He could be wearing some protective covering under that or nothing at all. But it’s clearly that he’s got some huge schlong there.

Lay Review: 9/10 would recommend. He’s packing, is shy in public, but once behind doors... the man can pin you to his OWN desk and rail you and then carry you UP A LADDER? Shit... sign me the fuck up. I mean you’re gonna be sore and worn out having used muscles you hadn’t thought you even had, but fuck what a lay right? Lets just hope he offers to massage your lower back. Desks do not make for comfy surfaces to rut on top of. Especially wobbly ones (thanks Sera).

#dragon age meta #dragon age #lemons

29 notes · View notes