Myosotis, meaning "mouse's ear", commonly known as Forget-me-nots

Gather round, friends, for a fun pre-Yom Kippur tale of how my wife and I did an incidental mitzvah today.

So, my wife and I are working in Rome for a month, and today we had to go on a whole ass adventure to an old Roman cemetery for a friend of my parents'. You see, this lady's mother is buried there and she was in Rome 2 months ago and found a "nice Arab man" named "Ahmed" to take care of her mother’s grave and then IMMEDIATELY lost his contact info.  The only thing she told me was that he sold flowers by the Jewish section of the cemetery, "close to a bridge", and that he was maybe "around 38 years old" and she would do anything at all if only I could find this mystery man and get his business card for her again.

So away we go to this cemetery - at Campo Verano - and then walked around for a while (because it is rather large) until we found the Jewish section. At this point, I had to go around to every flower booth in my shitty Italian, totally normally and not at all suspect, all "I'm looking for a man.  His name is Ahmed.  No he's not the father of my bambino, do you know him????" And what do you know?  No one knows who the heck I’m talking about.  At this point, we were about to give up, so I decide we might as well just find her mom's grave to take a photo of it and least prove that I was here.  Luckily, she had sent me a photo of the plot, and told me it was behind the Temple, otherwise it would have been like looking for a Jewish grave in a hay stack of thousands of other Jewish graves.  So we found her mom's grave and we cleaned it ourselves, thus doing our nice pre-Yom Kippur mitzvah.  When we walked out of the cemetery gate towards Via Tiburtina, I noticed two other flower stalls, but they both had women sitting in them.  Well, I think to myself, this is a woman, but maybe she knows Ahmed???  Might as well ask.  Here we go in Italian again.  “I’m looking for a man.”  Not at all embarrassing. And the woman says "Amet?  Il ragazzo?" (i.e. The Young Guy) And I'm like, shit I don't know if he’s young!  According to my “data” he’s supposed to be 38, not exactly a “ragazzo.” So now I am using Google translate all "How old is he?" She says he's about 26-27.  So now I’m thinking, maybe Auntie thinks all young people look 38??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Turning to my good friend Google translate again, I ask "Does he have a business card??" And at this point the woman is finally like WHYYYYYYY (Is he the father of your bambino????)  I know how sketchy this must all look as I'm trying in my broken ass Italian to explain that my Auntie has a grave here and eventually the woman puts two and two together and is like "Oh!  He cleans the grave for your Auntie!" And breathe out a very relieved “SI!”  And she lost his NUMERO, I add.  So this kind lady went and found someone else who had this kid's number (because at this point, I’m convinced it was the 18 year old kid that I saw hanging about the cemetery earlier) and called him for me so I could speak with him and - thank the gods - he spoke really good English and to my delight said, "Oh I'm so glad you called, I tried to send her a message but it wouldn't go through!"  

Anyways, long story short - I found the mysterious “Arab man” and I got his digits.

Unaddressed Letters - Part VIII

                                                                                                              04/08/2018

Eighty-three days. Ana called. You can imagine my surprise after over two years of absolute silence. She said Henrik contacted her as if that explained anything but I didn’t press for more details, I didn’t want to know…I didn’t want to hear her voice at all - suddenly concerned, pretending to be the loving big sister she should have when I was little, claiming she was there for me, no matter what.

Fucking lying bitch.

Why all of a sudden does she care about me? What does she really want? I don’t know what to make out of this. She wouldn’t pick up my calls when we were about to lose the house, when I found out about mom getting arrested, not even after Samuel was born! And now…she wants to storm into my life, as the hero who rushes into the story at the last minute to save it all. Fuck that. Fuck her.

By the way, I googled what the pills Henrik gave me are for. Sleeping aid, my ass.

Chlorpromazine. In case you don’t know what that means, just like me before our dear friend the Internet enlightened me, I’ll tell you - it’s an antipsychotic. I can’t fucking believe this man. He owns me an explanation - actually, no, he owns me a fucking lot of explanations but…I don’t know if I want them. If I ask and he answers, I will know it’s over between us, our trust will be gone and I will be all on my own. Despite everything, even those pills, somehow I still want to believe he’s only looking after me. Why am I so stupid?

I don’t want my sister here but I need someone I can trust and whether I like it or not, she’s all I have. Besides, as soon as Henrik told her about “my condition”, she bought the plane tickets, the call was to simply let me know she is getting here next week - not asking, just telling me.

She’s arriving on Wednesday. I don’t know how the kids are going to react, Hope hasn’t seen her since she was 3 and I’m sure she doesn’t remember her and Sammie gets so nervous around strangers. That saddens me, the fact my own sister is a stranger to my children, even if that is partly my fault. I know she is not the easiest person to deal with but I am not either. If I really wanted her in my life, in Sam and Hope’s life, I should have tried harder. I should have forgiven her when she gathered the courage to say she was sorry about leaving me with mom. I should have told that I understood, that I was angry but I knew why she did it. But that’s how our family is, isn’t it? We feel too much and we say too little. That’s how I lost you as well.

Maybe I’ll call Henrik when he gets home tomorrow - he’s on the night shift now. Truth may hurt when we say it out loud but it hurts a lot more when we keep it roaming inside.

If I can tell Ana I forgive her - if I can forgive her at all - would that help? Would I feel less lonely? Would I be able to believe her when she says she has my best interest at heart? Would I finally get one night of proper sleep with her by my side, looking after my kids - after me?

Would I feel at home again?

I really hope so.

I need so.

 Esperanza just came by our room. She’s drawn something for me, a field of flowers with a girl dressed in a dark summer dress with red roses on it sitting in the middle. She’s very talented for her age and I’m always telling her so but her teacher told me I shouldn’t encourage her “useless hobby” - her words, not mine - too much. She claims Hope is drawing during lessons and not paying enough attention, and yet her grades haven’t dropped. I won’t take this away from my little girl, especially not now. When I asked who the girl was, she looked at me shyly and said “it’s you, Mommy, that’s your happy dress!”

I had completely forgotten about the dress. Lately, I forget a lot of things and that bothers me beyond words but that dress…that dress isn’t happy anymore. It once meant we had succeeded in life and now it’s nothing but a pathetic souvenir of better times. I guess our little Hope must have seen it in my eyes because she tried to apologize for her gift. I simply opened my arms and she jumped into a hug. Such an affectionate little girl. She got that from you. I never thanked you for giving me the sweetest child I could have ever asked for. Kind and intuitive just like her father.

She told me I’ve changed too much. She literally used those words. “Mommy, why have you changed so much? You don’t sing anymore.” I explained I was worried about Daddy, about some other adult problems, about her baby brother who cries more and more lately. I gave her all the excuses I had and she saw through every single one.

Now she’s on her bed, Sam on his crib and I am here on this bare desk. Nothing but our letters on this place. She might be right. Perhaps it is not the world the one mutating into a twisted hell, perhaps it’s just me.

I bought my own sleeping pills. I’ll go to bed and give them a try, wish me luck, love.

More info, previous chapters and tag list under the cut

All chapters in chronological order, here. Previous chapter, here. Next chapter, here.

FIRST THINGS FIRST, GUYS, @saltyweirdbi MADE THE MOST A-MAZING FANART FOR THIS STORY AND IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL, I AM YELLING BECAUSE OF HOW GREAT IT IS, SHE’S SERIOUSLY SUCH A HUGE MOTIVATION AND THE BEST READER ANY FANWRITER COULD EVER ASK FOR AND IT’S AN HONOR TO HAVE MY STORY DRAWN BY HER, HERE’S THE LINK TO GO SEE HER WORK, PLEASE LIKE AND REBLOG IT, SHE DESERVES ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD 

❤️Tag list❤️: @amyxmiaplay @awkward-bullshit @beck-pma @closedworldofmathiel @darktrash-drash @fanfictionrecommendations-com @flyingfishflopsthings @fruitycasket @happysingingturtles @hiimizzyxoxo @hishex @kitnkas @mcomegalletas @mijako98 @mjjau @mysterious-cupcake-ninja @mysticalanimallover @novasingalaxies @plutoandpolaris @probablyghosting @randomartdudette @saltyweirdbi @sassy-in-glasses @scarlet--raven @septicuniverse @skyewardlight @thevampireauthoress @youllnevertaketheskyfromme

Thanks for reading!!! If you enjoyed it, please reblog!!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements

I was tagged by the wonderful @ohsotiny @raendown and @moonfox22 (Who tagged my main blog: thecalamityqueen) Thank you for tagging me!!!

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Ice Water...I drink a lot of water 2. Phone call: My best friend’s husband, who told me I didn’t need to pick up their kids 3. Text message: My husband 4. Song you listened to:  Words as Weapons-Seether 5. Time you cried: I DUNNO. Maybe while reading fanfiction earlier *Stares at Rae*

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Probably during spin the bottle 8. Been cheated on: Nope 9. Lost someone special: Yes, a few 10. Been depressed: Yes

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Vodka has never been my friend

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Coral, turquoise, brown

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: I’ve made wonderful ones on here! 16. Fallen out of love: No 17. Laughed until you cried: Has someone not? That would be sad 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Not that I remember 19. Met someone who changed you: Anytime you meet new people, they change you in some way 20. Found out who your friends are: I’ve had issues with my best friend this year, but I think we’ll be fine 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: My husband. I kiss that face all the time!

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of them 23. Do you have any pets: Meow, meow, woof, woof 24. Do you want to change your name: Not really. I got to change my last name and that was the one that mattered. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Bought flowers like I always do 26. What time did you wake up: Around 11. I don’t have kids. I can sleep however long I want. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: I think I was on Tumblr probably 28. Name something you can’t wait for: The thing that I can’t talk about, hah 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: She stopped by my work last week 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I want babies 31. What are you listening right now:  My husband watching TV in the background 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My uncle 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Narrow minded and hateful people 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr. I somehow got trapped here.

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: Just little ones 36. Mark/s: The normal amount of scars people accumulate over a life 37. Childhood dream: That the world was a more interesting place where animals could talk 38. Haircolor: Natural is brown, but it’s several shades of purple right now 39. Long or short hair: A little past my shoulders 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Kakashi My husband 41. What do you like about yourself: My compassion. My sick sense of humor. 42. Piercings: Ears, lip. I still have a hole in my tongue, but I don’t wear it anymore 43. Bloodtype: A+ 44. Nickname: Berry (Tumblr). At work they call me Skittles, Rainbow, and Cotton Candy, because of my hair 45. Relationship status: Married irl and Tumblr married to Sibi and Rae 46. Zodiac: Taurus 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV Show: Right now it is probably Lucifer

49. Tattoos: My best friend and I both have a nautical stars on our ankles. 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: Other than wisdom teeth...no 52. Hair dyed in different color: I don’t remember what my natural shade looks like 53. Sport: Nope 55. Vacation: I can’t remember the last one I took 56. Pair of trainers: I had to Google this to make sure it was the same thing as sneakers. 2 pairs. I prefer flip flops in the summer. Really, if I could go without shoes, I would.

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Just got done eating Chili’s 58. Drinking: Water, still 59. I’m about to: Take a shower. Then maybe draw. 61. Waiting for: My next existential crisis 62. Want: Sex 63. Get married: Suckered the poor sap over 5 years ago 64. Career: I work with plants, because I love them. I would like to be a writer, but I never write anymore.

WHICH IS BETTER  (I’m going with S/O too) 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Taller 68. Older or younger: My husband is older, so I’m going with that 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms. Something about a man’s arms and hands. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant. I’m the trouble maker. I need balance, haha.

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: A hot Navy guy when I was like 16 75. Drank hard liquor: Plenty of times                                                                   76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex on the first date: No 79. Broken someone’s heart: I think so 80. Had your heart broken: Yes 81. Been arrested: ....yes. I was still underage though. I used to be a delinquent. 82. Cried when someone died: Yes 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Only when I’m listening to Queen 85. Miracles: Not really. I’m a bit of a skeptic. 86. Love at first sight: Not love. Infatuation and lust, but not love. 87. Santa Claus: We own guns. Bitch better not come up into our house 88. Kiss on the first date: I don’t see a problem with that

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: Missy and Tash. 91. Eye color: Brown 92. Favorite movie: Short Circuit 2

Not tagging anyone, because I’m lazy and everyone’s probably been tagged already...but mostly because I’m lazy.