sometimes i think about how often people forget im present in a situation and how easy it is for me to leave them just because nobody notices i left at all

i hate how much i hate being a man 

every fucking day i inch closer to an anime breakdown

i need to go into a complete batshit berserker mode where im allowed to lose it like an anime character

the beast wants to be loved too

I dont understand why people keep offering me nice things, as if im someone who's worth giving things to. I unintentionally sour relationships just by having emotions and it feels like every time something good happens, im waiting for the other person to realize they're fed up with me and to conclude that im not someone they want to be around. Why keep being nice to me if you only feel like im only going to be a waste of time to you

i know many people always talk about wanting to remember or keep the good memories they have, but i honestly cant say i feel the same anymore. i’d rather just forget everything for good. i want to forget absolutely everything about who i am

sometimes i wish my memory issues were worse. and that every day, i'd forget more and more things until i cant remember how to feel emotions. i cant stop thinking about how this could be the only way i could stop feeling awful about everything

i hate. being. i hate how i feel. i hate every fucking aspect of myself and my brain my mind my body. i fucking hate who i am. i wish there was nothing here at all

trying to live as a person is so fucking awful because ive grown up with so many people describing me or talking to me as if i were some sort of animal, and despite being an adult that has learned how to “be a person”, i feel like i cannot live as either beast or human. i want to be neither. i want to just completely stop existing since my whole fucking being is too full of pain

I hate how lonely and guilty i feel after cutting off someone who i cared about but didnt care for me. Like i know now that they weren't good for me but im still so hurt by them.

im finally at a point in my life where im happy more than i am sad, and for some reason, feeling happy all the time makes me tired. what is wrong with me.

ive finally mastered putting up a facade and i only really let it down when fully alone and. the sad part is, im actually so happy about the fact that im this good at faking it now, that i cant even cry for catharsis. i usually just fuckin laugh at myself now and that's.....not good

oversharing night time

ive tried for so many fucking years to be a good person because for my whole life up until adulthood, i’ve been told by authority figures, adults, and my parents that im..........not a good person. and for years the way they spoke to me made me feel like im not even a person. i felt like an idiot, like an outsider or an other. 

so for a long while i gave up and let myself be as shitty as people made me out to be and for years i said the most toxic as shit to my friends and drove a lot of people away from me and im only where i am because ive been through almost a decade of therapy and introspection

and m finally at a point where i can feel like im legitimately being a good person without thinking im a damn setback to everyone around me. and it’s.....nice? because i know if the person i was, even just back in freshman year, i would be proud of where i am right now. i’d be happy with myself even though i know that the personal change will have to never stop. like shit i still fuck up a lot, and i think i lost a friend recently that i wont get back. i dont think our relationship can be repaired. and i dont rlly wanna invest the effort i put into our friendship if they dont want to reciprocate.

i had like a huge convo with a diff friend tonight abt our trauma n stuff and we have a lot of similar experiences. the thing that got me though is that i really realized how much of my motivation to get better hinged on the fact that i needed to be a GOOD person so i could get people to tell me that. and, while i still think i need that affirmation from people, it shows through the relationships i currently have. but fuck it really shows how much i want to be a good person for the people that really matter to me, i want to be good for them so i can feel like all my years of trying to understand myself better is working and that i AM better than who i used to be and that i CAN be good

i think a LOT about whether or not im a good person. and im starting to believe it when i tell myself i AM actually good, and am capable of good things. but that also makes me just as angry/sad that adults had fucked over my perception of myself for so many years. they made me out to be a fucking monster in my own eyes. 

i dont really know if i can still let go of this imagery in my head that im Not Human, because honestly this feels more like me than a ‘Human’ version of myself will ever be. im too used to percieving myself this way. i think im just glad to have people that like me despite that. i can be a good beast if i want to be. i dont want to be mean anymore. i just want to be good so badly

i wish my twin weren’t passive aggressive with me when they’re upset, especially when it’s over something that really doesn’t matter. they should just let it go.

i love being cursed with mood swings it's so great when i have a day of being in a good mood and then my anxiety gets triggered so now i wanna fuckin die lol