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#mr richard branson sir are you stupid
the-fabulous-51 · 11 months
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so question that totally didnt pop into my head as i watched the launch yesterday:
in WoC would white knight two be considered like a conjoined twins kind of situation?
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cause i now i cant get the image out of my head
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rmpmw · 2 years
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Wacky old Sir Richard Branson calls me
And says he's using a satellite phone from up in his friggin balloon at like 14,000 feet, where he is wearing a space suit and just had a massive brainstorm. He says, Mate, we're gonna create a new section on Virgin Atlantic, right behind Upper Class, and call it iPod Class. The whole section is redone in that glossy candy white color like an iPod. The walls, the seat backs, the seat cushions, the carpet, the bathrooms, everything in bloody shiny white, like you're sitting smack inside an iPod. We throw in some fake champagne and cheap sushi and bang up the fare price by 30 percent over coach, or Lower Class as we're now calling it. And you're separated from everyone else by tinted plexiglass walls, so the punters in back can see you, and you can just sit there looking cool and going, Yeah, how jealous are you lot, you'd love to be in here in iPod Class, wouldn't you, as if. Like the message is, Look at me, I'm young, I'm cool, I'm obnoxious and nouveau riche and arriviste, I'm tech savvy, I'm a dotcommer, I own lots of cell phones and PDAs and gadgets, I live in Silicon Valley and wear loafers without socks, I'm better than you, and when I fly ... I fly iPod Class. The chavs and the Irish'll go nuts for it. We'll get David Beckham and his skank wife to do the adverts, or Wayne Rooney.
So I'm like, Wayne Rooney? That senile, constipated old guy from 60 Minutes? He wouldn't recognize a friggin iPod if it came shooting out his butt. Branson's like, What? So I go, Richard, whatever, but like, what's the iPod connection here? Like, will there be a slot in the seatback or the arm rest where you can plug in an iPod? Or maybe some special headphones done up all in white to look like an iPod? And he goes, Well, it's marketing, innit? It's marketing. But I'm like, Yeah but how is some section of an airplane connected to an iPod, ya know? How are they related? Branson's like, Hrm, well, uh, yah, whatever, who knows, but it's marketing innit? Like there's an Upper Class and now there's an iPod Class. And it's all white, like an iPod.
So the truth is I kinda sorta hate this guy cause he made such a big deal out of his stupid Virgin online music store and he was all Mr. Smack Talk about how he was gonna kick the crap out of iTunes -- ya right -- but now he's pretending he's my big "mate" or whatever. Maybe the altitude is friggin up his head and he figures maybe I don't remember what a dickbreath he was on the music store thing. Anyhoo, I push back on him and say I just don't see the synergy and I don't want to dilute the brand and he gets a little PO'd cause as you might have noticed he's got a teensy little ego problem, and he says in this sort of plummy fake upper-class accent, I'm sorry, did you just say "dilute the brand"???? My God I think I'm going to choke on a piece of foie gras. Dilute the brand? Look, I've been in your stores and I've seen these stupid iPod gizmos you sell. You tell me what the hell do they have to do with anything? I mean, the bloody Tivoli iPal? It's a bloody FM radio! Only it's painted white and has a plug for an MP3 player. But I don't hear you bitching about that, Steve. So I'm like, Branson, my bro, cool out, do some yoga, smoke a doob, cut a fart in your space suit or whatever, but sure, go for it, set the controls for the center of the sun. Have the lawyers work it out and just give old Steve a slice of the action. And God bless you, you crazy goat-bearded bleached-hair balloon-flying freak. He says, Bloody right, mate, you won't regret this, and I promise you can break a bottle of fake champagne on the first plane and take the maiden voyage, right alongside the Beckhams, my word as a gentleman. And I'm like, Dude, I don't fly commercial, it gives me hives, I'm allergic to non-vegans, but thanks anyway and good luck. Then I called our lawyers and told them, I don't care if you have to put a bullet in this a-hole's head, but do NOT let this deal happen. Ha!
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rmpmw · 2 years
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So Tony Blair's in town
And friggin Jonathan Schwartz won't shut his pie hole long enough for any of the rest of us get a word in. There's a story on it here that kinda gives you a hint of what it was like, but trust me, it was way worse. I'm sorry, but I gotta say this. Jonathan's got that really dangerous combination of being not very smart yet thinking he's like super, super, super smart, like the smartest person in any room he enters, ya know? I mean, have you read his blog? It's hilarious, but I don't think he means it that way. I mean this guy really, really likes himself. A lot. The ponytail is the giveaway. And God he loves to hear himself talk. Probably it's the McKinsey background. They're all like that. I always wonder what it must be like when a bunch of McKinsey consultants get together for like a barbecue or something, and they're all standing around in their conspicuous eyewear trying to act casual but at the same time trying to show how smart they are. When like, dude, if you're so smart, why don't you start a company instead of working at McKinsey and giving lectures?
Anyhoo here's the money quote from Mr. Ponytail:
"In the U.S. and especially in Silicon Valley, if you have taken a risk and you fail, you in fact become more interesting and potentially more valuable because now you know something," Sun Microsystems' Schwartz told reporters after the meeting.
Yeah so Jonathan that must make you like the most interesting and valuable person in the Valley right about now, huh dude?
Then he tells Blair he should write a friggin blog. Riiight. Like maybe he can post where the British troops are gonna be moving tomorrow or something, or he can make fun of Bush or whatever. I mean by then it was just embarrassing, and we're like wincing and wanting to apologize for the guy, but stupid Jonathan is still lecturing the Prime Minister of the U.K. like Mr. Peabody taking Sherman into the wayback machine, talking about ancient history and the Egyptians and the evolution of technology and the industrial revolution and the invention of the steam engine in England and whatever, and by then Blair is just like openly pulling faces and saying things like, Right, er, um, thanks so much Jon, er, does anyone else have anything?
I'll tell you what I said to Blair. I waited till Schwartz was finished pleasuring himself in public, and then I said, Uh, actually, Sir Tony, all that stuff he just said, that's all wrong, okay? Just pretend you didn't hear it. We only let this dude come today because he pestered the hell out of us and we felt bad for him cause his company is going out of business, and really we all kinda make fun of him behind his back. Schwartz looked sorta hurt so I said, I'm sorry, man, but it's the truth. (Meanwhile Chambers and Ruiz are like shrugging and nodding their heads, as if to say, Well, yeah, you are kind of a frigtard.) So Sir Tony, I say, I know you came here to ask us about risk-taking, but the only thing that matters is making beautiful products that blow people's minds, and you Brits know how to do this already. Look at the Jaguar, the Aston-Martin, the Range Rover. Sure, they're not reliable. But they're works of friggin art. You guys also make totally smokin movies. And music. Like, the friggin Beatles? Hello! Just cause I had a little hassle with them recently doesn't mean I don't love their music cause I do. You might notice the eyeglasses I wear, which are my way of paying tribute to a certain Mr. John Lennon. So you guys are loaded with talent. Look at Austin Powers. And Richard Branson. Talk about risk-takers. Guy called me last week from a friggin space balloon. And Wallace & Gromit? Nick Park, friggin genius, we're trying to get him to work for Pixar. So just apply your creativity to computers. That's all. I mean don't make an iPod clone, cause that's already been done. But like maybe a TiVo clone, or like a really bitchin new smartphone-slash-music-player, or, uh, wait, no, I wouldn't do that one, but anyway there's lots of cool ideas still out there to be explored. Seriously.
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