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allegedlyfranzferdinand · 1 year

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Bert Coules A Scandal in Bohemia transcript

Hello! I’ve long been aware that there’s no readily available transcripts of the Bert Coules/Clive Merrison Sherlock Holmes radio shows. To remedy this, I am working (slowly) on some transcripts myself.

Below the cut is my full transcription of the first episode, A Scandal in Bohemia. Please let me know if there are any errors/anything missing that I should include! I’m not a professional, just someone trying to make these shows a little more accessible, since I really do love them. Enjoy!

THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES

A Scandal in Bohemia

Radioplay by Bert Coules

(Transcribed by Plato)

[EPISODE BEGINS]

[A slap]

IRENE ADLER: Ow!

FIRST BURGLAR: Where is it?

[IRENE ADLER sobs and breathes heavily]

Where is it? I’m losing my patience with you, lady!

[The sound of ripping, a struggle]

Ow! You whoring--!

SECOND BURGLAR: That’s enough! This isn’t going to work. Let her go.

FIRST BURGLAR: Let me cut her up a bit.

SECOND BURGLAR: No! You heard the orders. Besides, look at that face. You wouldn’t want to ruin its market value.

[He spits and laughs]

Superb. Let her go.

[Violin introduction plays]

ANNOUNCER: A Scandal in Bohemia by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Dramatised for radio by Bert Coules. With Clive Merrison as Sherlock Holmes and Michael Williams as Dr. John Watson. And featuring Sarah Biddell as Irene Adler, and Andrew Sachs as the King.

A Scandal in Bohemia.

[Violin introduction finishes]

JOHN WATSON [V/O]: To Sherlock Holmes, she is always the woman. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name. In his eyes, she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex. It was not that he felt anything akin to love for her; all emotions (and that one particularly) were abhorrent to his precise analytical mind.

SHERLOCK HOLMES [with disgust]: Love! Love is an emotional thing, and whatever is emotional is opposed to true, cold reason.

JOHN WATSON: Which you place above everything else!

HOLMES: Of course! I should never marry myself-

WATSON: Ha! I’d like to see the woman who’d take you on.

HOLMES: -Lest I bias my judgment.

WATSON: I trust that my judgment may survive the ordeal!

HOLMES: Agh.

WATSON [V/O]: And yet to him, there was one woman. And that woman was the beautiful Irene Adler, of dubious and questionable memory.

[IRENE ADLER’s voice, singing German opera with piano accompaniment.]

I had seen little of Holmes lately. My marriage had drifted us away from each other. My own complete happiness, and the home-centered interests which rise up around the man who first finds himself master of his own establishment, were sufficient to absorb my attention. While Holmes, who loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul, remained alone in our old lodgings. Buried among his books and his chemicals, and alternating, so I presume, between cocaine and ambition. The drowsiness of the drug and the fierce energy of his own nature. Beyond the occasional vague accounts of his activities, which I shared with all the readers of the daily press, I knew nothing of my former friend.

Then, one night when my journey home from a patient led me through Baker Street, and I passed the well-remembered door, I was seized with a keen desire to see him again.

[The opening of a door and the ringing of the bell. WATSON sputters with cold. The door closes]

WATSON: Good evening, Mrs. Hudson! [He startles.] Oh, why, I do beg your pardon.

MRS. TURNER: Good evening, sir. My name is Turner. May I help you?

WATSON: Well, uh, is Mr. Sherlock Holmes in?

TURNER: He is, sir. Do you have an appointment?

WATSON: An appointment? No, no I don’t.

TURNER: I’ll ask if Mr. Holmes will see you. What name shall I say?

MRS. HUDSON: Dr. Watson!

WATSON: Mrs. Hudson! It’s good to see you again.

TURNER: Martha, you shouldn’t be on your feet.

HUDSON: Nonsense, Alice. Come in, Doctor, come in.

WATSON: Thank you very much.

[He steps inside]

TURNER: Now, Martha, you go and rest.

HUDSON: Stop fussing ‘round me, Alice, I’m perfectly alright.

TURNER: Just as you like. I’ll be in the kitchen if I’m wanted.

[She leaves and shuts the door behind her]

WATSON: Mrs. Hudson, who on earth was that?

HUDSON: Oh, you mustn’t mind her, Doctor, she’s my cousin, Alice Turner. She’s been. . . giving me a hand.

WATSON: Have you been ill?

HUDSON: Oh, I’m fine now. She’ll be off home in a day or two, and neither she nor Mr. Holmes will be shedding a tear about it if I’m any judge. Now let me look at you.

Doctor, you’re a real sight for sore eyes. And how’s Mrs. Watson?

WATSON: She’s very well, thank you. Mrs. Hudson, you shouldn’t let him wear you into the ground. Why didn’t you send for me?

HUDSON: Now, sir, you have your own life to lead. And a good woman to be thinking of. I’ll announce you.

WATSON: No-no-no-no, you stay down here and get some rest. Do you, uh, do you think he’ll be pleased to see me?

HUDSON: Of course he will! Up you go, now.

[HOLMES plays the violin.]

[There is a knocking at the door. HOLMES sighs.]

HOLMES: Yes? What is it? Come in, Mrs. Turner.

[The door opens and WATSON enters]

WATSON: Good evening, Holmes.

HOLMES: Watson.

WATSON: I was. . . Passing the door.

HOLMES: Pray, come in.

WATSON: Thank you. [He shuts the door] Phew! It’s a cold night.

HOLMES: Wedlock suits you. You’ve put on seven and a half pounds since I saw you last.

WATSON: Seven.

HOLMES: Just a trifle more, I fancy.

WATSON: Perhaps.

HOLMES: You are back in practice, but your list is not yet a long one. Tonight, you called on a patient in a prosperous household to which you traveled by four-wheeler. You got yourself very wet lately, and you have a most clumsy and careless servant-girl. Would you care for a whisky?

[WATSON laughs and HOLMES joins in.]

WATSON: My dear fellow, how are you?

HOLMES: Oh, I’ve been kept busy.

WATSON: I’m delighted to hear it.

HOLMES: Now take- take off your coat, Watson. Have a seat.

[WATSON and HOLMES both groan and sigh as WATSON removes his coat and sits down.]

WATSON: Thank you.

HOLMES: Now, you’ll join me in a drink?

WATSON: That would be very welcome.

HOLMES: How is Mrs. Watson?

WATSON: Oh! She’s in excellent spirits.

HOLMES: Ah, splendid, splendid. Ah, ah, here we are. . . [he hands WATSON a drink]

WATSON: Thank you. To your very good health.

HOLMES: And yours.

WATSON: Mary is just about to give notice to our servant-girl, though how you could tell that she was so bad is beyond me. You know, if you’d have lived a few centuries ago, you would certainly have been burned.

HOLMES: That would have been a tragedy. Then the world would have been denied your colourful exercises in romantic fiction.

WATSON: Oho, you mean those reprehensible little efforts that have made your name and brought you so much work?

[HOLMES attempts to interrupt]

Now, no, no, don’t waste your time thinking up another sarcastic answer. Just tell me how you knew about Mary Jane.

HOLMES: By the inner side of your left shoe.

WATSON [sighing]: Go on.

[HOLMES cackles and claps]

HOLMES: Hm! The leather is scored by six parallel cuts where someone has very carelessly scraped mud from the edge of the sole-mud so long-neglected it has completely crusted. Hence, my double deduction: that you had been out in vile weather, and that you had a particularly malignant, boot-slitting specimen of the London slavey.

WATSON [chuckling]: Ridiculously simple.

HOLMES: Well, then I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining the rest.

[A rustle of paper; a letter being handed over.]

Have a look at this—it came by the last post.

WATSON: Pink paper. No address, no date, no signature. [reading] “There will call upon you to-night at a quarter to eight o’clock a gentleman-“ Holmes, that’s in about five minutes!

HOLMES: Read on.

WATSON [reading]: “-a gentleman who desires to consult you upon a matter of the very deepest moment. Your recent services to [with incredulity] one of the royal houses of Europe-“

HOLMES: Holland.

WATSON [reading]: “-have shown that you are one who may safely be trusted with matters which are of an importance which can hardly be exaggerated.” Mm, Holmes!

HOLMES: Bah! [He takes the letter and reads] “This account of you we have from all quarters received. Be in your chamber at that hour.”

WATSON: What do you imagine it means?

HOLMES: Now, Watson, how many times? It is a capital mistake to theorise before one has data. But we have the note itself. What do you deduce from it?

WATSON: Eh, it’s a man’s writing, and he’s well-to-do. Paper like this couldn’t be bought under half a crown a packet. It’s peculiarly strong and stiff.

HOLMES: Peculiar is the very word. It’s not an English paper. Hold it up to the light.

WATSON: Ah, yes, there’s a watermark. “EGPGT”. A paper company’s monogram? German?

HOLMES: Very good. Egria Papier Gesellschaft.

WATSON: Egria?

HOLMES: Eh, in Bohemia. And the writer of the note is a German-speaker, eh?

WATSON: Hm? Ah! “This account of you we have from all quarters received.”

HOLMES: Only a German is so uncourteous to his verbs.

[WATSON chuckles.]

HOLMES: A-ha!

WATSON: What is it?

HOLMES: Teutonic punctuality. I believe I heard. . . [he moves the curtain] Yes, a nice little brougham, and a pair of beauties, a hundred and fifty guineas apiece, easily. There’s money in this case, if there’s nothing else. And there is our man!

WATSON: What’s he like?

HOLMES: Six foot six, built like Hercules, appallingly overdressed, and exhibiting an intense desire for anonymity.

WATSON: Anonymity?

HOLMES: He’s wearing a mask.

WATSON: A mask, for goodness’ sake?

[The bell rings]

Ah, I’d better go.

HOLMES: Not a bit, doctor. Stay where you are.

WATSON: Yeah, but- but your client!

HOLMES: Never mind him, you’ll find a notebook and a pencil on my desk. If you’ve no objection.

WATSON [with feeling]: My dear fellow.

HOLMES: I am lost without my Boswell.

WATSON: Thank you, Holmes.

[A sturdy knock at the door.]

HOLMES: Well, whoever he is, he’s survived Mrs. Turner. Come in!

[The door opens and KING WILHELM GOTTSREICH SIGISMOND VON ORMSTEIN enters]

KING WILHELM: You had my note. I told you that I would call.

HOLMES: You did. Pray, take a seat.

KING WILHELM: Who is this person?

HOLMES: This is my friend and colleague, Dr. Watson. Whom have I the honor to address?

KING WILHELM: You may address me as the Count von Kramm, a Bohemian nobleman. I should much prefer to communicate with you alone.

WATSON: I should leave.

HOLMES: No, Doctor! It is both or none, Count; you may say before this gentleman anything which you may say to me.

KING WILHELM: Very well. [He sits] You will excuse this mask. The august person who employs me wishes his agent to be unknown to you, and I may confess that the title by which I have just called myself is not exactly my own.

HOLMES: I was aware of it.

KING WILHELM: The circumstances are of great delicacy, and could grow into an immense scandal. It is not too much to say that the whole course of European history could be affected. To speak plainly, the matter implicates the great house of Ormstein, Kings of Bohemia.

HOLMES [yawning]: I was also aware of that.

KING WILHELM: Sir! You were represented to me as the most energetic agent and most incisive reasoner in Europe!

HOLMES: Your informer was not in error.

KING WILHELM: This is intolerable!

HOLMES: If you would condescend to state your case, I should be better able to advise Your Majesty.

WATSON: Your Majesty?

[KING WILHELM sputters and stands.]

KING WILHELM: [He sighs] You are right. I am the King. [He scoffs]. Why should I attempt to conceal it?

HOLMES: Why indeed? Your Majesty had not spoken before I was aware that I was addressing Wilhelm Gottsreich Sigismond von Ormstein, Grand Duke of Cassel-Felstein, and hereditary King of Bohemia. Do, please sit down.

[KING WILHELM sits.]

HOLMES: Thank you. Now, Doctor, if you please?

WATSON: Certainly.

KING WILHELM: What are you doing?

WATSON: I’m taking notes. Confidential notes.

KING WILHELM: Very well. The facts are briefly these: some five years ago, when I was still only Crown Prince, I made the acquaintance of the well-known adventuress Irene Adler. The- the name is no doubt familiar to you?

HOLMES: Irene Adler. Look her up in my index, Doctor.

WATSON: Yes. [He rustles through the books] Adler, Adler. . . Ah: Adler, Irene. She’s a singer, born in New Jersey in ’58. Here.

[WATSON passes the book to HOLMES]

HOLMES: Thank you. Contralto, hm. La Scala, hm! Imperial Opera of Warsaw, yes, retired from the operatic stage two years ago at the age of only twenty-eight, now lives in London, once celebrated throughout Europe as. . . as an adventuress. Quite so. Your Majesty, as I understand, became entangled with this. . . person.

KING WILHELM: Entangled. . . yes. Yes, that is exactly the word.

[Flashback-the sound of IRENE ADLER laughing and the beat of horses’ hooves at a canter.]

IRENE ADLER: That’s three races in a row, Willy! What’s the matter with you?

KING WILHELM: The next time I buy you a horse, I’ll do the choosing! The slowest one I can find.

IRENE ADLER: You just don’t like being outridden by a woman.

KING WILHELM: Or perhaps I’ll give you something less exhausting.

IRENE ADLER: A yacht? I’ve always wanted a yacht.

KING WILHELM: What would you do with a yacht?

IRENE ADLER: Willy, there are things you can do on a yacht that you can’t do on a horse.

[KING WILHELM laughs]

Come on!

[The horses’ hooves pick up again.]

KING WILHELM: Ah, she was beautiful, elegant, clever. She was the most refreshing, the most natural woman I’ve ever encountered. And the most audacious.

IRENE ADLER [flashback]: Ready, Willy? Here I come.

KING WILHELM [somewhat incredulous]: Irene.

IRENE ADLER: Don’t you like the suit? It’s one of my favorites.

KING WILHELM: It’s- is this some kind of a joke? What have you done to yourself?

IRENE ADLER: I thought we’d go for a stroll. These are my walking clothes.

KING WILHELM: You expect me to appear in public with you looking like that? For God’s sake, woman, what will people say?

IRENE ADLER: Is that all you ever think about? Listen, my love, once I fix my hair I can fool anyone.

KING WILHELM: You’re not serious.

IRENE ADLER: I’m perfectly serious. Now shut up and kiss me.

Well? What are you waiting for?

KING WILHELM: I want to remember this moment. [he chuckles.] I never kissed a man before.

[They kiss.]

HOLMES: And Your Majesty wrote this singular young lady some compromising letters, and is now desirous of getting those letters back?

KING WILHELM: But how could you possibly know that? I’m not exaggerating when I say that if certain individuals suspected that I even so much as spoke to that woman, the effects would be calamitous.

HOLMES: Was there a secret marriage?

KING WILHELM: No, none.

HOLMES: No legal papers or certificates?

KING WILHELM: None.

HOLMES: Then I fail to follow, Your Majesty. If she should produce her letters, how is she to prove their authenticity?

KING WILHELM: There’s the writing.

HOLMES: Oh, but forgery!

KING WILHELM: My private notepaper!

WATSON: Stolen.

KING WILHELM: My own seal!

HOLMES: Imitated.

KING WILHELM: She has my photograph!

WATSON: Bought.

KING WILHELM: We were both in the photograph.

HOLMES: Oh dear, that is very bad. Your Majesty has indeed committed an indiscretion.

KING WILHELM: I was mad- insane! The photograph is. . . is particularly compromising.

[HOLMES laughs]

This is a highly serious matter!

HOLMES [still laughing]: But certainly. You have placed yourself in a difficult position.

KING WILHELM: That photograph must be recovered. I have tried and failed. Burglars in my employ have ransacked her house! Her luggage has been diverted when she traveled, twice she has been waylaid!

WATSON: Waylaid?

KING WILHELM: There has been no result.

HOLMES: You must pay; it must be bought.

KING WILHELM: She will not sell.

HOLMES: Indeed? Then if blackmail is not the lady’s aim. . .

KING WILHELM: She proposes to ruin me.

HOLMES: How?

KING WILHELM: I am about to be married.

HOLMES: So I have heard.

KING WILHELM: To Clotilde Lothman von Saxe-Meningen, second daughter of the King of Scandinavia.

WATSON: A family of strict principles.

KING WILHELM: The strictest! The princess herself is the very soul of delicacy. A shadow of doubt as to my conduct would bring the matter to an end. That must not be allowed to happen!

HOLMES: And Irene Adler. . .

KING WILHELM: Threatens to send them the photograph, and she will do it. I know that she will do it! She has a soul of steel. She has the face of the most beautiful of women, and the mind of the most resolute of men.

WATSON: You’re sure that she hasn’t sent it already?

KING WILHELM: Yes, I’m sure. She has said that she would send it on the day that the betrothal is publicly announced. That would be next Monday.

HOLMES: Oh, we have three days! That is very fortunate. I do have one or two matters of importance to look into just at the present. Your Majesty has not told us everything.

KING WILHELM: What do you mean?

HOLMES: Why will she do this thing? Why does she wish to see you ruined?

KING WILHELM: You ask the obvious. She fell hopelessly in love with me. Rather than see me marry another woman, there are no lengths to which she would not go.

HOLMES: Rather than see you marry another woman?

KING WILHELM [sputtering]: Somehow, somehow she gained the impression that. . .

WATSON [incredulous]: You proposed marriage to her?

KING WILHELM: It was a joke, a fantasy, how could she not see that?

HOLMES: Your Majesty will, of course, stay in London for the present.

KING WILHELM: You will find me at the Langham Hotel. As the Count von Kramm.

HOLMES: Of course. As to money. . .

KING WILHELM: I would give one of the provinces of my kingdom to regain that photograph.

WATSON: Good Lord.

HOLMES: And for present expenses?

KING WILHELM: This bag contains three hundred pounds in gold and seven hundred in notes. I do not require a receipt.

HOLMES: And mademoiselle’s address?

KING WILHELM: St. John’s Wood. Here are the details.

[He hands over a piece of paper.]

Do not fail me.

[He shuts the door behind him. HOLMES and WATSON both exhale.]

WATSON: Holmes?

HOLMES: A charming gentleman. I’m not sure that I do not approve of the lady’s intentions.

WATSON: You’re defending her? A woman of that sort?

HOLMES: Watson, I’m interested in her motives, not her morals.

WATSON: Well then, you’d willingly see her create an international scandal?

HOLMES: It’s possible that she has no intention of doing anything of the sort. She’s certainly intelligent enough to know that the threat of exposure can be infinitely worse than the actuality.

WATSON: How can you possibly know that?

HOLMES: To live a successful life outside the conventional boundaries of society requires intelligence as well as bravery.

WATSON: If you feel that way, why did you accept the case?

HOLMES: Because a man who’s already tried burglary, theft, and violence is only a small step from something more drastic.

WATSON: You can’t mean that. A reigning monarch?

HOLMES: Powerful interests are at work here, Watson. I believe I can resolve the situation with a minimum of fuss.

WATSON: Assuming you manage to recover the photograph.

HOLMES [offended]: Oh, really, Doctor!

[HOLMES begins to scrape at his violin]

And now- good night to you.

WATSON: Oh. Good night.

HOLMES: Would you care to call tomorrow afternoon at three?

WATSON: With pleasure. Thank you. [He opens the door.]

HOLMES: Excellent. I should value a chat with you then.

WATSON: Till tomorrow, then.

Eh. . . Holmes? It was good to see you again. Goodnight.

HOLMES: Goodnight.

[He leaves and shuts the door.]

[A violin interlude plays.]

[The sound of a horse walking in harness, snorting.]

COACHMAN [shushing the horse]: Easy, boy! Hold him, would you mate?

HOLMES [affecting an accent similar to the COACHMAN’s] Yeah, easy there. That’s better. Good boy, good boy. Yeah.

COACHMAN: You got away right enough, why’d you lose your last place? The drink, was it?

HOLMES: Yeah.

COACHMAN: Yeah, I thought so. Just have to look at you. Bloody fool, you are. It’s not worth it.

HOLMES: I know.

COACHMAN: Oh, I do. I’ve been off it two years now. See where I am.

HOLMES: Good post, is it? Good mistress?

COACHMAN: Never had better. Treats me like I’m somebody, know what I mean? Hey, chuck over the blanket.

HOLMES: ‘Ere.

[There is a rustle of a horse’s blanket being moved.]

COACHMAN: Thanks.

HOLMES: No chance of somethin’ here, I suppose? Bit of a casual. . .?

COACHMAN: Yeah, give me a hand for a bit. I’ll see you all right for a bit.

[A woman approaches, singing.]

Hang on.

HOLMES: What?

COACHMAN: Listen.

[The woman’s voice gets louder.]

That’s her. Nice, eh?

HOLMES: Yeah. Nice.

[The scene changes to Baker Street. HOLMES is removing his disguise.]

WATSON: I had to look three times before I was sure it was you. One of your best.

HOLMES [still affecting the accent]: Oh, thank you, Doctor. I’m afraid your opinion isn’t shared by the fearsome Mrs. Turner.

WATSON: She saw you? Done up like that?

HOLMES [no longer affecting the accent]: In the hall, when I came in. It took me five minutes to convince her that I wasn’t a burglar, and as soon as I had succeeded she announced her intention of “leaving this madhouse, never to return.”

[WATSON laughs.]

WATSON: Holmes, you’re outrageous.

HOLMES: Thank you.

WATSON: I take it you’ve been out to Irene Adler’s house.

HOLMES: Exactly. It’s a bijou villa, two stories, with stables at the side and a secluded avenue. Chubb locks on the doors and window-fasteners that a child could open.

WATSON: Did you find anything else?

HOLMES: Oh yes. There’s a wonderful Freemasonry among horsey men. Be one of them, and soon you’ll know all there is to know. [He winces] In return for two hours of fetching and carrying, I received tuppence, two fills of shag tobacco, and as much information as I could desire.

WATSON: And?

HOLMES: She’s turned all the men’s heads down in that part, and she’s spoken of with considerable respect. She lives quietly, drives out at five each day, and returns at seven sharp. She has only one male visitor, but a good deal of him.

WATSON: Just a moment. [He takes out his notebook] Right. Go on.

HOLMES: Mr. Godfrey Norton, dark, handsome, and dashing. Never calls less than once a day, and often twice. He’s a lawyer.

WATSON: A lawyer. Is she his client? And if she is, what are they planning?

HOLMES: Exactly. Or is she his mistress? That was the next question to be answered.

WATSON: “Was”? You’ve answered it, then?

[HOLMES laughs}

I take it that’s a yes.

HOLMES: After I’d exhausted my friend in the mews, I went ‘round to the front of the house and lounged. Halfway through my first pipeful, things began to happen.

[Flashback, the sound of horses trotting.]

GODFREY NORTON: Wait there, cabbie!

CABBIE: Sir.

HOLMES [V/O]: It was Norton himself, exactly as he’d been described to me. He pushed past the maid with the air of a man who is thoroughly at home.

NORTON: Get your mistress’ carriage, hurry, girl!

HOLMES [V/O}: The maid rushed ‘round the corner to the mews, and I could see Norton through the windows of the sitting-room, pacing up and down and waving his arms. I was concerned about being so obvious an observer, but he ran straight past me when he emerged, and I doubt even registered my presence.

NORTON: The church of St. Monica in the Edgeware Road. Half a guinea if you do it in twenty minutes.

CABBIE: Right you are, sir! Up there!

[Horse’s hooves as the cab starts off.]

HOLMES [V/O]: Before Norton’s cab had turned the corner, up drove my friend the coachman on a neat little landau, and before I could even think about concealing myself, Irene Adler had swept past me and climbed in.

WATSON: You saw her? What’s she like?

IRENE ADLER: The church of St. Monica, John, we must reach there before twelve.

COACHMAN: Ma’am. Up there!

[Horse’s hooves as his cab goes too.]

WATSON: Holmes? What is she like?

HOLMES: She is a lovely woman, Watson. With a face a man might die for.

WATSON: Face a man might die. . . [he swallows] What did you do?

HOLMES: I was just balancing whether I should run for it or whether I should perch on the back of her landau when a cab came from the street. The driver looked twice at such a shabby fare, but I jumped in before he could object. We drove like the devil, but the others were there before us.

PRIEST: Forgive me, sir, but you must allow me to know my business. I tell you that it would not be valid.

NORTON: But it’s well before twelve! What’s your objection?

PRIEST: That is not the only requirement the Lord demands! I’m sorry, but we simply cannot proceed!

HOLMES [V/O]: I lounged up the side aisle, keeping in the shadows. I would have sworn that they had no idea I was there, but she spun ‘round and looked straight at me.

IRENE ADLER: Godfrey, over there.

NORTON: What? Oh, yes. Uh, you!

HOLMES [affecting the accent]: Uh- me, guv’nor?

NORTON: Eh, yes, you, come here!

HOLMES: Oh, well, I dunno. . .

NORTON: Oh, come on! Move, man!

[HOLMES walks up, dragging his feet.]

HOLMES: Yes, guv’nor? Missus?

NORTON: Just stand there quietly, please. Well, man?

PRIEST: Splendid. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God. . . [his voice quiets and becomes background noise.]

HOLMES [V/O]: Before I knew where I was, I was holding a ring and generally assisting in the secure tying-up of Irene Adler, spinster, to Godfrey Norton, bachelor. It was the most preposterous position I’ve ever found myself in. I was standing as close to her as I am to you. Closer.

WATSON: Did she suspect you?

HOLMES: I do not believe so. After the ceremony, we exchanged a few words.

WATSON: What! Holmes?

HOLMES: There was no avoiding it!

PRIEST: Congratulations to you both.

NORTON: Thank you very much.

IRENE ADLER: Yes, thank you.

NORTON: Come along then, Mrs. Norton.

[IRENE ADLER chuckles]

IRENE ADLER: Oh, just one moment, Godfrey.

Sir? Please.

HOLMES [affecting his accent]: Me, missus?

IRENE ADLER: Please, come here.

HOLMES: Ma’am?

IRENE ADLER: I wanted to thank you. For being there when we needed you.

HOLMES: Oh, it’s my pleasure, ma’am.

IRENE ADLER: I think you were a lucky omen for our future. It was fate that brought you into the church.

HOLMES: I, uh, I don’t believe in fate, missus.

IRENE ADLER: Oh, my friend. Don’t you have any romance in you at all?

HOLMES: Um. . . I best be off, ma’am.

IRENE ADLER: Wait! Here.

HOLMES: No, missus. I’m not a beggar.

IRENE ADLER: To please me.

HOLMES: I’m obliged, then, ma’am. Good luck to you.

IRENE ADLER: And to you, my friend.

WATSON [in the present]: What did she give you?

HOLMES: A sovereign! Here. I mean to wear it on my watch-chain in memory of the occasion.

WATSON: Hm. A very unexpected turn of affairs.

HOLMES: There was still one more surprise to come. After being in such a palpable rush to get married, bride and groom proceeded to go their separate ways! He, back to the inn at Temple and she to her home. She even plans to take her usual evening drive! I heard her say so. It’s as if they wanted to keep the whole thing a secret.

WATSON: If you were right about the King’s intentions, and they’ve somehow got wind of them, it could be that she feels safer as Norton’s wife than as his mistress. Or was it no more than a sudden whim? Did she strike you as a creature of impulse?

Holmes?

HOLMES: We must act quickly. I need your cooperation this evening.

WATSON: I should be delighted.

HOLMES: You will require stealth, nerve, and accuracy.

WATSON: Accuracy?

HOLMES: Yes. One more thing: I trust you’ve no objection to breaking the law?

[A violin interlude plays.]

[Horse’s hooves.]

HOLMES [affecting an old man’s voice]: It’s good of you to accompany me, young man. It’s rare nowadays to encounter such courtesy. I fear you may find my conversation a little limited.

WATSON: Please, Holmes. Leave it until we’re there.

HOLMES [in his own voice]: Having second thoughts, Watson?

WATSON: I suppose you do know that impersonating a minister of the church is a criminal offence?

HOLMES: Yes, well, so is throwing a smoke rocket through somebody’s front window, and you’ve already agreed to that.

WATSON: Look, are you really sure that the photograph is somewhere in the house?

HOLMES: I don’t believe she’d entrust it to somebody else.

WATSON: But the King had the house burgled!

HOLMES: Pah! They didn’t know how to look.

WATSON: How will you look?

HOLMES: I will not look.

WATSON: Well then?

HOLMES: I’ll get her to show me.

[The sound of voices yelling, arguing.]

WATSON: Holmes, this is not what I would call a quiet avenue.

BEGGAR: Look, spare a coin, sir? Spare a coin for an old soldier?

HOLMES [affecting the old man’s voice]: Oh, you poor soul! Give him something, Doctor.

WATSON: Here you are, my man.

BEGGAR: Oh, God bless you, sir. And you too, Father.

HOLMES: Ah, here comes the landau. Good luck, Watson.

WATSON: And you.

BEGGAR: Here she comes!

[Horse’s hooves approaching]

BEGGAR: Let me open the door for you, lady!

[A cacophony of voices, arguing over who was there to help IRENE ADLER first.]

IRENE ADLER: What’s going on? Get away from my carriage!

[The voices escalate]

John?

BEGGAR : Clear off out of here, you heard the lady!

IRENE ADLER: John!

HOLMES [affecting his old man’s voice]: Stop it! Stop it at once! This is common brawling. Madam, I shall escort you to the door. Pray, take my arm.

SECOND BEGGAR: Get lost, you old fool!

[The sound of glass breaking, and HOLMES cries out in pain.]

Oh my god. . .

COACHMAN: You drunken idiot! Stand back there, give him some air!

IRENE ADLER: John? Is the gentleman all right?

COACHMAN: He’s still breathing. Come on, get out of here! Clear off!

IRENE ADLER: Well, we can’t leave him lying here. Help bring him into the house.

[Inside the house]

Sir? Sir, can you hear me?

[HOLMES moans deliriously.]

Let me look at those cuts. Turn your head this way.

HOLMES: No, no. . . Madam, I beg you. It’s nothing.

IRENE ADLER: But you’re bleeding.

HOLMES: A scratch. B-but madam, you? Were you injured?

IRENE ADLER: Quite unscathed, I assure you.

HOLMES: Oh, thank the Lord. They were roughs, madam. They meant to have your purse.

IRENE ADLER: Well, they did not succeed. Thanks to you, my friend.

HOLMES: Well, we live in evil times. I do not understand it, this mad desire to do harm to others! It will destroy our civilization.

IRENE ADLER: Not while there is goodness and love in the world, and brave gentlemen who think of others before themselves.

HOLMES: Oh, and gracious ladies. Amen to that, madam. Amen to that.

[He gasps for air.]

IRENE ADLER: Oh no, my dear sir-

[She pours HOLMES a glass of water.]

Here. Come, lift your head, let me help you. Take a sip of this. Slowly, now.

HOLMES: I, I cannot breathe!

IRENE ADLER: I’ll give you some air.

[She slides open the window while HOLMES pants.]

Oh, do not try to stand!

[There is a clatter- the smoke bomb has been thrown into the window. It fizzes.]

IRENE ADLER: What on earth?

HOLMES: Fire! Fire, madam! They’re burning the house! Save yourself!

IRENE ADLER: But- but this is ridiculous!

[Voices outside, all screaming ‘fire!’]

HOLMES: Save yourself, madam!

IRENE ADLER: Don’t alarm yourself, my friend! This is just some sort of stupid prank. I’ll ring for someone.

[She rings the bell.]

HOLMES: Oh, madam, I implore you! Your life is in peril!

[They both cough.]

IRENE ADLER: You are right. We must get out. Wait, I’ll help you. Just one moment.

[She slides open a compartment.]

HOLMES: Ah, it’s a false alarm!

IRENE ADLER: What?

[She closes the compartment.]

What did you say?

HOLMES: You were quite right. Look, madam, in the corner, there’s some sort of smoke device, nothing more!

[Voices outside, still screaming ‘fire!’]

You must tell them, they will summon the engine!

IRENE ADLER: Will they indeed? [shouting out the window] There is no fire! It was a false alarm!

HOLMES [in the present, in his own voice]: Congratulations, Watson! A first-rate job.

Doctor?

WATSON: Holmes, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more heartily ashamed of myself.

HOLMES: My dear fellow?

WATSON: When I saw that beautiful creature, and the way she treated you.

HOLMES: I thought you objected to her morals, Watson.

WATSON: Damn it, Holmes, she’s a kind and graceful woman! And we were conspiring against her.

HOLMES: Yes. Lay aside your scruples, Doctor, a job is a job. And it worked perfectly!

WATSON: You have the photograph?

HOLMES: I know where it is, hidden behind a sliding panel, just above the right bell-pull.

WATSON: And how did you find out?

HOLMES: She showed me, as I told you she would. When a woman thinks that her house is on fire, her instinct is at once to rush to the thing that she values most. It’s an overpowering impulse, and I’ve taken advantage of it several times. A married woman grabs at her baby; an unmarried one reaches for her jewel-box.

WATSON: And you reasoned that she had nothing in her house more precious to her than that photograph?

HOLMES: Exactly. And I was correct.

WATSON: Well, why didn’t you secure it then and there?

HOLMES: It was too risky. If we’re over-hasty, it may well ruin everything. Now, let’s see if we can’t find a cab. I believe we’ve earned our dinner. You realized of course that everyone in the street was an accomplice?

WATSON: Only after you’d given me the shock of my life. I really did think you’d been killed.

HOLMES: Oh, Watson!

WATSON: Ah, I mean! What would I have said to the King?

[They laugh into the distance.]

WATSON: There you are, driver.

CAB DRIVER: Thank you, sir. Walk on!

HOLMES: Our quest is practically finished. I shall call back there tomorrow with the King.

WATSON: With the King?

HOLMES: Yes. And you, if you’d care to come.

WATSON: Thank you.

HOLMES: It’s a well-run household. We shall be shown into the sitting-room to await the lady, but I think it probable that when she comes she may find neither us nor the photograph.

WATSON: Holmes? [in a whisper] Are you aware that we are being observed?

HOLMES: Observed?

WATSON: Mm. The young man in the ulster. A few doors down.

HOLMES: Oh yes. He’s coming this way.

Are you sure that Mrs. Watson isn’t expecting you back tonight?

WATSON: Quite sure! She knows you too well.

IRENE ADLER [disguised]: Goodnight, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

WATSON: Holmes? Someone you know?

{A violin interlude plays.]

[The rumble of carriage-wheels and hooves.]

KING WILHELM: You are sure that we can get the photograph?

HOLMES: I have hopes.

KING WILHELM: Hopes? In your wire you said it was certain.

HOLMES: Irene Adler is married.

KING WILHELM: Married?

HOLMES: Yesterday. To an English lawyer named Norton.

KING WILHELM: Pah! She cannot love him.

HOLMES: Whyever not?

KING WILHELM: Because she’s still hopelessly infatuated with me! Why else does she pursue me so?

[The carriage-wheels stop.]

MAID: Ah, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I believe?

HOLMES: I am Mr. Holmes.

MAID: Indeed. My mistress told me you were likely to call. She left this morning with her husband for the Continent.

WATSON: She has left England?

KING WILHELM: All is lost!

HOLMES: We shall see!

MAID: Sir, really!

HOLMES: Ah, now. . .

[he opens the compartment.]

Ah.

KING WILHELM: There is a photograph?

HOLMES: Here.

KING WILHELM: This is not the one!

HOLMES: What?

WATSON: Holmes, this is a photograph of the lady by herself!

HOLMES: So I observe. But this may explain matters.

KING WILHELM: Eh, if you please.

HOLMES: It is addressed to me.

KING WILHELM: To you?

HOLMES: Yes, to me.

[he opens the letter.]

[reading] “My Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, you really did it very well. You took me in completely. Until after the alarm of fire, I had not a suspicion. But then, when I found how I’d betrayed myself, I began to think. Yet even after I became suspicious, I found it hard to think evil of such a dear, kind old gentleman as that clergyman. But you know I-“

KING WILHELM: What is this nonsense? What of the photograph?

HOLMES: Watson?

WATSON: Hm. [reading] “But you know I have been trained as an actress myself. Male costume is nothing new to me, and I often take advantage of the freedom which it gives. Last night I followed my mysterious visitor to his door, and so discovered just who it was who had taken such an interest in me.”

HOLMES: “Goodnight, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.”

WATSON [reading]: “As to the photograph-“

KING WILHELM: At last! What does she say?

WATSON [reading]: “As to the photograph, your client may rest in peace.”

KING WILHELM: Oh, thank God!

WATSON [reading]: “The King may do what he will without hinderance from one whom he has cruelly wronged. I love, and am loved, by a better man than he. I leave a rather different photograph, which he may care to possess.”

KING WILHELM: What a woman! Ah, what a woman!

WATSON: Yes, indeed. Holmes?

HOLMES: Thank you.

IRENE ADLER [V/O]: Mr. Holmes, I know that you will understand that I keep the photograph only to safeguard myself against any steps which the King might take in the future. You will find the nest empty when you call, as I am sure you shall, tomorrow morning. You, sir, are a formidable antagonist. I remain, dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, very truly yours. Irene Norton, nee Adler.”

HOLMES: I am sorry that I have not been able to bring Your Majesty’s business to a more successful conclusion.

KING WILHELM: On the contrary, my dear sir, nothing could be more successful. I know that her word is inviolate. The photograph is now as safe as if it were on the fire.

HOLMES: I am glad to hear Your Majesty say so.

KING WILHELM: Pray, tell me how I can reward you! This ring?

HOLMES: Your Majesty has something which I should value even more highly.

KING WILHELM: You have but to name it.

HOLMES: This photograph.

KING WILHELM [scoffing]: Irene’s photograph? Well, certainly, if you wish it.

HOLMES: I thank Your Majesty. Then there is no more to be done in the matter?

KING WILHELM: Ah, but what a woman. Did I not tell you how quick and resolute she was? Would she not have made an admirable queen, eh? Is it not a pity she was not on my level?

HOLMES: From what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level to Your Majesty. I have the honor to wish you a very good morning.

KING WILHELM: Ah, a remarkable individual. I would have permitted him to shake my hand.

WATSON: Good day, Your Majesty.

[They leave, and a violin interlude plays.]

WATSON [V/O]: And that was how a great scandal threatened the Kingdom of Bohemia, and how the best plans of Mr. Sherlock Holmes were beaten by a woman’s wit. He used to make merry if ever I mentioned the cleverness of women, but I have not heard him do it of late. And when he speaks of Irene Adler, or when he refers to her photograph, it is always under the honorable title of the woman.

[Violin outro plays]

ANNOUNCER: In A Scandal in Bohemia, Sherlock Holmes was played by Clive Merrison, and Dr. Watson by Michael Williams. Irene Adler was played by Sarah Biddell, and the King of Bohemia by Andrew Sachs. With Mary Allen as Mrs. Hudson, Jenny How as Mrs. Turner, Brian Miller as Norton, Danny Schiller as the priest, and Ian Lindsay as John. Other parts were played by members of the cast. The violinist was Leonard Freedman.

A Scandal in Bohemia was dramatised for radio by Bert Coules, and directed by Patrick Raynor.

[Violin outro finishes.]

[EPISODE ENDS]

#sherlock holmes #bert coules #clive merrison #sherlock holmes radioplays #bert coules radioplays #michael williams #uh #transcripts

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