#me? answering in under two weeks? equilibrium has been restored
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Truly. School festival? Wild i dont think ive ever been to one of those. Not sure mine ever had them but im glad you had so much fun! Its not completely finished yet i get that done next week but its very cool i love it. I have like. 12 piercings now with still more i want. They were a slippery slope from getting two to all the ones i have & want but i hope you're able to get some in the future. I think i like my eyebrow & lip piercings best. Thats a wild difference damn. Its been sunny mostly cool days right now but we keep going from warmer days to rain/snow warnings here. Oh hell yeah congrats! Strange but positive is the best combination to have honestly. Id also love to check out carnivale if that still happens in italy or mardi gras over here down in louisiana if i had time. Just love the idea of big celebration with cool stuff. Oh sparkle is quantum support with action advance & crit damage (?) boost. She's real good for seele or many teams really. I got archeron! Just need to get her light cone but damn was she cool in the 2.1 story. Not gonna spoil if you havent played through yet. Congrats on your archeron pulls! I think i might save for topaz now & get adventurine later? I do like how he plays but ill grab him later i don't think i have use for him yet. Swarm is so annoying i gave up on it for now terrible fuckin enemies. Mood what set are you usin on archeron? I love her talent too just. Insta enemy kill what a time saver. Really did give her a great & interesting kit. Hm ill have to continue & see how complex she is. Been busy with other games & like. Cosmodyssey & the bartender event in star rail. Oh thats fun i love it keep doin that. Ohh congrats on the writing energy!
yeah school festivals are also pretty rare over here but [thanks to a complete coincidence, i didnt even Know we had those] i ended up in a school that actually organizes one JSDKFJG. would tell you what it is but i feel doxxing my school on tumblr.com is not a terribly good idea. AND HEY THATS AWESOME!!! also yeah i heard it Really Is Like That with piercings shdjfg all my friends said so at least. tbh the only reason i dont have any yet is bc when i was the age when everyone gets their first one [around 8-9 among my peers] i was very physically active and didnt wanna deal with the whole healing process while trying to not get the shit beaten out of me in aikido. so thanks!!! i REAAALLLY wanna get snake bites theyre So cool. AND FOR REAL LIKE???? can the weather Please decide what it wants to do with its life. it was literally raining the whole day today and yesterday i cannot keep dealing with this. esp since today was my first day back to school after the easter break so waiting for my bus was just. miserable. And my classbestie didnt come to school today so i guess i cant have nice things. Oh Well. and for real for real im actually so glad my school doesnt seem to have a single normal person in it because everything is just so much more. chill. and the gossip is Insane i tell you. ever since this year i befriended a bunch of cool alt girls my life had been so much more interesting because they know like everything about everyone. and oh good luck with all that!! i totally agree, tho i definitely have to be mentally prepared for such occasions. Due To The Autism. but yeah theyre SO fun. and oh that sounds like. a very good kit actually. might get her in the future but ahh i still cant quite decide who im gonna pull for next..... only time can tell i suppose. CONGRATS ON GETTING MEI #3!!!!! i maxed out her talents already [thank god for how little time that calyx takes] so i just need to get relics for her now. Auugghhhg. but i decided im just gonna wait for the triple drop event to save myself some sanity and am currently focusing on ruan mei's talents rn since i run her with acheron <- guy who has no welt and his pela is lvl 50 not built. ah thats understandable!!! i was initially Completely uninterested in aventurine but used his trial as a march replacement in my clara team and it all fits together so nicely. speaking of which i literally got clara TWICE yesterday, one pull apart, without pity on standard. the universe loves me i guess. so shes e4 now. FOR FUCKING REAL but at least using acheron in sim uni lets one skip the non boss battles so thats a massive timesaver and also makes dealing with the swarm a lot less problematic. since you only have to deal with the big guy at the end and not trouble yourself with the occasional encounter on the way. seriously tho acheron is so cracked in sim uni. she let me get the achievement for finishing every battle with all allies at 100% hp. im currently using band of sizzling thunder + inert salsotto [LOL] on her!!! as i said. scuffed but does the job for now. but im gonna get her pioneer diver of dead waters + izumo gensei and takama divine realm since i heard thats whats best on her. and yeah her kit is super fun!! and have fun with that!! honestly fair, tho im just stuck in my holy trinity of hi3 - hsr - noita. also i love the bartender event a lot both story and gameplay wise. very very cool. and thankies!!!!!!!
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Reflect on your greatest struggle. What was it and how did you grow from it?
My greatest struggle has been a culmination of years that were spent between a mix of deception, of denial, a realization that my body was deteriorating like an 80 year old, lies, and a flame that would not burn out. Some stories need a back story, but when it comes to stories of an insidious fight with anorexia, they can turn into war stories of competition. I will not speak of certain weights, I will limit the discussion of behaviors as much as possible (only ones to show how an entire family unit watched their daughter die before their eyes), and omit numbers of total intake and the like, which I suppose falls under behaviors. But this is a journey that has taken place over the course of my young adolescence until now, at age 31.
There is no onset age where a man or woman develops an eating disorder. Mine just so happened to begin around 8 years old when it was my only way to cope with being sexually abused by two neighborhood boys. My innocence was taken and I was free falling through the streets of Gracemore. My body had been violated and I in turn violated the natural equilibrium of myself. I remember being a sad kid who perfected the art of deception. If I pretended everything was okay, no one would catch on, and I could suffer in silence behind my purple painted walls.
It started simply with chewing and spitting. TO this day I’m unsure how that behavior went unnoticed by my parents, but now I know as an adult that those struggling with EDs are sneaky little shits. I’ve written another piece called “The Obsession with Emptiness” on my recovery blog (recoverywithoutkale) that tells the tale of how around this very age I also discovered the evil of the Diet Culture aisle at stores and began to shoplift laxatives and diuretics.
By time I reached 13, my ED was all I thought about. You can’t diagnose a child with Bipolar disorder (I finally received that diagnosis at 19), but I was in fact struggling with towering highs and abysmal lows. My mom and I fought a lot during my middle school years. It wasn’t entirely her fault or mine. I believe my mother has untreated mental health issues that made us pit against each other.
I found an old photograph of my mom in a bikini, lounging in the sun. She was skin and bones. It was dated 1986, before I was a thought. My sister caught me starting at it and said, “Yeah, see? Mom was anorexic, now she binges.” At the time I didn’t know what the word “anorexic” even meant. I was so out of control with my impulses, my identity, my sexuality, that I ended up losing my virginity my 8th grade year. What I didn’t anticipate was that my boyfriend was going to break up with me right after he had sex with me two or three days later.
But I found the cure for my heartbreak even deeper. My mom was going on the South Beach Diet and asked me to join with her. I eagerly agreed. I felt so powerful. I felt so accomplished. I lost a significant amount of weight in the first two weeks of Phase 1, beating the amount of weight my mom lost by double. That’s all it took. I was addicted. She eventually stopped, but I didn’t. How could I stop now?
Thus began my dance with ED. At age 16 I was seeing a therapist who had been consulting with my doctor and they diagnosed me with anorexia - restrictive type. At this point I wasn’t abusing laxatives or diuretics or diet pills. Just an adherence to a strict starvation diet. After that I went down a new rabbit hole: the online ED community on Xanga. It was essentially pro-ED, without a doubt. Competing, challenges, tips and tricks. It was all dangerous. Then when the summer I was 16 rolled around, I was date raped by a member of my youth group after returning from a mission trip to San Antonio. The ED swooped in and rescued me. I thought the more I lost, I could kill the femininity inside.
By time I graduated and went to college I knew my problem was out of hand, but I had no way of stopping it. At least, I had no idea how to stop it. I attended an eating disorder support group on campus but the girls were so banal and I couldn’t stand them.
After I got pregnant, I ceased all eating disorder behaviors all the way until my daughter stopped nursing around 8 months old. I was left with untreated Post-Partum Depression and a whole lot of extra baby weight. I lost weight, to say the least. But I lost myself most of all.
September of 2009 I admitted myself inpatient to the eating disorder ward (VITA) at Research Medical Center. How ironic, I thought to myself. The place I was born is the place I’m coming to die. There was a three month long wait list, but after assessing me they admitted me three days later. I had a myriad of tests done to evaluate the damage I’d done to my body. They pushed me around in a wheelchair because my blood pressure was so low, as was my heart rate, and because of the severity of my anorexia, they did not want me burning any calories by walking. It was humiliating.
That first day I spent the whole day getting every test imaginable done. Then, my results. When I heard the words it was as if I were floating above my body. The doctors asked who referred me there and I was confused. “No one. I admitted myself.” Next they asked, “Are you living alone?” and I answered, “No, I live with my parents...” Their eyes widened and looked perplexed and asked, “Have you been resisting treatment? Why didn’t your parents bring you in months ago?” I was offended by his first question. I told him, “I’ve been complying with my shrink, taking all my meds, being honest with my ED therapist, and being transparent about my behaviors, but neither of them suggested treatment so I Googled it myself.” I had no answer for my parents actions. Then he leaned in and said, “I’m going to be honest and level with you here since all you’ve been doing is be honest with us and most patients aren’t forthcoming during the intake process. You are dying, Sarah. If you hadn’t admitted yourself today I would guess you’d have two weeks at most before you passed away.” Me, floating, higher and higher...
So began a three month hospitalization to weight restore and heal my disordered mind. I had a positive experience at VITA. My therapist was amazing - she convinced my parents I have a real life-threatening disorder that I did not choose. The psychiatrist Dr. Mandal taught us so many profound lessons - most of which I haven’t forgotten. And I made close friends, which is crucial when you’re forced to wake up at 4AM for vitals and be drugged to sleep at 9-10PM. I can’t say this is where I magically recovered, but it’s where I finally discovered I could, can, and will beat this.
Eating disorder recovery is a life long journey, I was re-hospitalized at VITA again about six months after my discharge. Hung in the balance for years of recovery and relapse, and spent last summer at EDCare (a story for another time, perhaps) for 13 weeks where I experienced medical malpractice. I don’t know how to say I am now. I’m learning to embrace a few fat body in a fatphobic society, I act on ED behaviors a couple times a week, sometimes none at all. But this is certainly the furthest I’ve ever come in recovery and for that I am proud. I have a lot of hard work to do in the future but I have a small group of people who are in my support system. I won’t stop fighting now.
#eating disorders#eating disorder#eating disorder recovery#ED#ED recovery#anorexia#purging#treatment#ED treatment#recovery#journaling#journal#becoming#michelle obama
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RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 3 Extravapalooza
Immediately coming out of Week 2 the national conversation was focused mainly on the fact that my picks went a very respectable 10-5. But, after running out of superlatives to describe my handicapping skills, the discourse shifted in the direction of the absolutely brutal spate of injuries that took place. Saquon Barkley, Nick Bosa, and Courtland Sutton were all lost for the season with torn ACLs, and Christian McCaffery, Brandon Scherff, Jimmy Garoppolo, Drew Lock and a whole bunch of others went down with various tweaks and tears that will keep them out of game action for multiple weeks. That’s a lot of really good players! And Jimmy Garoppolo!
There seemed to be a desire to chalk up a lot of the injuries to a lack of preseason game action, but I’m not smart enough to know if that theory has any merit. Hopefully, it was just a freak occurrence and we won’t see another week like that any time soon. If I can make a bold statement that I’m sure nobody has ever mentioned before: the NFL is a lot more fun when the best players are on the field.
My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.
EARLY GAMES
Los Angeles Rams at Buffalo Bills (-2)
The Bills have looked great in their first two games, no doubt about it. BUT, those two games were against the incomprehensibly shitty Jets and a Dolphins team that I don’t think anyone would call world-beaters. The Rams represent a huge step up in weight class, and I’m not sure how the Bills will handle it. I still love Josh Allen and believe in the Bills in general, but this game might be a little shock to the system for them.
Chicago Bears at Atlanta Falcons (-3)
I’ve read a few takes saying that a trip to Atlanta to play against a ghastly Falcons secondary is going to make Mitchell Trubisky and the Bears offense look much better than they are, but what this pick presupposes is that a meeting with Mitchell will make the Falcons secondary look better than they are.
Washington Football Team at Cleveland Browns (-7)
I know they gave up 30 points last week, but The Football Team’s defense has played really well through two games so far. They mauled the Eagles in a Week 1 victory that saw them sack Carson Wentz 8 times, intercept him twice and hold Philly to 57 rushing yards (3.4 yards per attempt) TOTAL. In Week 2, they held Arizona RB Kenyan Drake in check for the most part (86 total yards, 4.3 per rush) and managed to pick off Kyler Murray once while sacking him three times. Washington was done in by Calimari’s running ability, which is gonna happen to a lot of teams, I reckon. Baker Mayfield is no Kyler Murray when it comes to his wheels, so I’m taking the 7 points.
Tennessee Titans (-2.5) at Minnesota Vikings
Minnesota has looked DREADFUL so far, getting whomped by the Packers and then the Colts. I honestly don’t have a great reason for picking them, other than thinking “they can’t be THIS bad.” If this year has taught us anything, it’s that thinking things can’t get worse is pretty stupid, yet here I am. The only aspect of this game I have any confidence in prediction-wise is in saying that it’ll be the first early game to wrap up. These teams are gonna run, run, and then run some more.
Las Vegas Raiders at New England Patriots (-6.5)
Last week, I once again picked against the Raiders, and they once again made me look stupid by not only covering, but winning outright. So help me if Cam Newton leads New England to an absolute thrashing of this collection of assholes he will immediately become my favorite Patriot ever.
If I wanted to give a non-spite related reason for my pick, I’d mention that Las Vegas will be without rookie WR Henry Ruggs , LB Nick Kwiatkoski and T Trent Brown, and that G Denzelle Good, T Sam Young, TE Darren Waller and RB Josh Jacobs are all Questionable as of this writing. I’m totally picking against them out of spite, though.
San Francisco 49ers (-3) at New York Giants
The Niners were absolutely wrecked by injuries last week, and now they’re playing again on the same turf that they feel took out their comrades. I can’t help but wonder if that’ll be in their heads a little bit, and if there’s anyone who knows the minds of NFL players, it’s a guy who’s never even attended a school at any level that fielded a football team. Nick Mullens is a pretty good backup QB, and it’s not like he’s replacing Russell Wilson, but still. I can’t take an injury-riddled road favorite starting a backup QB. Seats are rapidly opening up on the Daniel Jones bandwagon, but I remain resolute...for now.
Cincinnati Bengals at Philadelphia Eagles (-4)
I’m really torn here, because I am all the way in on The Joe Burrow Experience and want good things for him, but if the Eagles come out looking like an exploded diaper again it’s gonna get really awkward and depressing in Philadelphia, and I can’t handle feeling even more secondhand cringe and despair in these trying times. I’d greatly prefer a middling Eagles season that keeps their fans’ rage at no more than a simmer, and for that to be the case they’re gonna need to win decisively here. Sorry, Joe.
Houston Texans at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4)
After dealing with Daniel Jones in Week 1 and the Drew Lock/Jeff Driskel Combo Meal in Week 2, the Steelers defense will now have to contend with DeShaun Watson. In my expert football-knower opinion, this will be a more difficult challenge for them. Conversely, the Texans started their year with games against the Chiefs and then the Ravens, and while I do think the Steelers are pretty good, they’re a step below those two death squads. In what’s become a running theme in my picks this week, I think a bit of equilibrium is restored and the Texans have somewhat of a get-right game while Pittsburgh gets taken down a peg.
LATE GAMES
Carolina Panthers at Los Angeles Chargers (-6.5)
This is a tough one. Conventional wisdom says 6.5 is a pretty big number for a rookie QB in his second start, though like everyone else I thought Justin Herbert looked more than legit in his debut. The L.A. defense has been fantastic, and they’re plenty good enough to paper over any potential rookie mistakes from their QB.
I’m going with the Chargers less because of them and more because of how poor the Carolina offense has looked so far. Teddy Bridgewater is a great story and I’m glad he got himself a nice contract after his horrific leg injury in Minnesota, but he hasn’t looked like an NFL starter this year. New Panthers OC Joe Brady performed a miracle and gave the LSU Tigers an offense for the ages, so he clearly knows what he’s doing. Maybe the Panthers will get it together as the season goes on, but for this week I don’t see it, especially without all-world RB Christian McCaffery.
New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts (-11.5)
11.5! That’s a large number for a pro game, and it’s terrible that I didn’t have to grapple all that much with laying the points. The Jets have looked historically awful and I feel bad for everyone on their sideline except for Adam Gase and Gregg Williams. Fuck those two. I don’t have a solid read on the Colts quite yet, but I’ve been around long enough to know that a Phillip Rivers-led squad would NEVER blow a layup like this.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-6) at Denver Broncos
I get that Tampa Bay is the road team here, but A) there are no fans in the stands, B) Denver has lost several key players to injury and C) they’re starting Jeff Driskel at Quarterback. The Bucs giving less than a TD seems odd to me. Maybe there’s some concern about the altitude affecting Tom Brady’s elderly lungs, or about the possibility of Rob Gronkowski buying thousands of dollars worth of edibles in Denver and mixing them in with the pregame spread. Classic Gronk move, imo.
Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals (-5.5)
I don’t see any way the Lions slow down this Cardinals offense, so their only hope is to outscore them. If stud WR Kenny Golladay were healthy I’d like Detroit’s chances a whole lot more, but he’s listed as Questionable with an injured hammy at the moment and on Friday assessed his situation as follows: “Wouldn’t say it’s 100 percent. I really wouldn’t even put a percentage on it, I just know I’m not 100 percent.” That doesn’t sound great to me, but I don’t come from an All Medical family, so I could be wrong.
Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (-5)
The formerly formidable Seattle Seahawks secondary has given up 450 passing yards to Matt Ryan, and 397 yards to Cam Newton in their two games this season, while the Cowboys were also carved up by Matty Ice (lol) in their insanely improbable Week 2 win. Both of these passing attacks are fantastic, so this feels like an absolute orgy of touchdowns in the making. This game has the week’s highest over-under at 56.5, so I’m not exactly breaking any new ground with this analysis. That’s really the main hallmark of this blog series, now that I think about it.
SNF: Green Bay Packers at New Orleans Saints (-3)
This game would be a lot more fun if All-Pro WRs Michael Thomas and Davante Adams were suiting up at 100% for their respective teams, but sometimes the Football Gods are dicks. Thomas is OUT with an ankle injury, and as of this writing Adams is being called a game-time decision with a bad hamstring. I’m guessing the game is gonna be more Aaron Jones vs Alvin Kamara than the Aaron Rodgers vs Drew Brees matchup it’s being billed as. That’s still plenty good enough to get me to tune in, as those guys are great in their own right. All things being equal, I trust Aaron Rodgers more to make chicken salad out of chicken shit against the Saints D at this point in time, so I’m giving Green Bay the edge.
Every time Sean Payton takes his 1st ballot Hall of Fame QB off the field in favor of Taysom Hill, an angel gets its oxycodone prescription refilled.
MNF: Kansas City Chiefs at Baltimore Ravens (-3.5)
My feelings on this game can be summed up by one of the great orators of modern times, “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair:
Last Week’s Record: 10-5
Season Record: 19-11-1
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Forgotten - part I
Warnings: background and a bunch of warnings. First of all, read the other parts of the series before reading this one, it makes more sense this way. Fragile mental states, dragged-out mental conflict/psychological exploitation, slow spiralling into insanity, then finally ending up with insanity, (implied/referenced/not explicit though?) character death, strangling, threatening, dark!America, brainwashed!Canada, my terrible attempt at faking Newspeak.
A/N: Yeaaaah I’m back, with this thing I wrote months ago but never got to really finishing and now it’s done and I am finally posting it, in two parts because it’s really super long. As I tend to do. Special thanks to @kagemushakosuke my amazing beta-reader!
Next part
“The past was erased, the erasure was forgotten, the lie became the truth.”
- George Orwell, 1984.
2027
When Oceania enters the room, the North Territory's back straightens, shoulders draw back, legs widen in their stance. Oceania's icy glare lands on him, and the Territory is rewarded with a curt nod.
He's asked how is the Territory? And he answers with a metallic good and an artificial smile. Oceania seems satisfied, and walks over to his desk. The Territory turns sharply when his name is called and he meets the inquisitive eyes of the superpower.
"Report?" Oceania asks, his voice thin and bland. The war has traced shadows under his eyes, and his face seems shallower and paler than last time. It's been awhile since Oceania walked these halls, and it's as if the time between has edged lines into his skin.
"Everything is doubleplusgood," comes the Territory's clipped voice. Oceania's electric eyes dart away from him, down to the papers on his desk. He picks up a pen, but writes nothing. Silence hangs in the air.
After a moment of glaring at his documents, Oceania looks up again. "No thoughtcrimes?"
The Territory's voice brightens infinitesimally. Never too much - too much would be treacherous. "No."
Oceania's eyes narrow at that, and he leans back in the chair, left ankle over his right knee. The pen in his hand starts to fidget.
There's suddenly a nagging feeling in the back of the Territory's mind that something is wrong, horribly wrong, but he can't think of anything that he might have done wrong or out-of-line. When Oceania's motions stop, the Territory's muscles tense and his composure freezes.
But nothing happens. Oceania looks down at his papers again, and gives him a cold, "Dismissed."
The North Territory nods, salutes, and leaves. He doesn't look back at the door, and doesn't see the daggers in those cold eyes as they follow him out.
Oceania is left alone, an event that has become an irritatingly common reoccurrence. He remembers, oh, how well he remembers, the days mere years ago. He remembers the busy halls of the Ministries of Love in every different territory. He remembers the stacks of Thoughtpolice reports that he either skimmed or smiled through. He remembers the streams of expressionless faces in the streets, the ones meeting at corner pubs and drowning their fabricated love in endless bottles of cheap liquor and burning the remaining scraps of themselves into the smoke of cheaper cigarettes before they themselves disappeared in the flow of time. And he remembers the walls of peeling paint and nameless stains of the rooms he so longed to see.
Rooms that probably had not been used in years. So much so that last time, four months ago during his last visit to the Outer Perimeter, he had mistakenly taken a wrong turn on his way to Room 101, and it had taken an inquisitive guard to point him in the right direction. And that mere thought had plagued him since.
Is this not what he had wanted? Is this not what he bragged about to Eastasia and Eurasia? His better-behaved, obedient, exemplary territories? The lack of a need for re-education, because his control is absolute, unquestioned, he has no need to use elaborate systems of psychological torture because he has complete and utter power over his subordinates?
Yet, boredom never fails him. He finds it so dull to watch the days go by and his citizens question nothing and his armies progressing nowhere. The stalemate is almost total, from the international stage to the intra-Oceanian backstage.
And Alfred loathes it. His eyes drift to the door again, the one Matthew - Matthew, so broken he probably couldn't remember his name besides North Territory - had walked through mere minutes earlier. And his mind drifts and dreams, back to those days where the violet occasionally shone through and his voice screamed so sweetly and desperately against the lies Alfred fed him, because he had still been there somewhere.
Alfred knows Matthew isn't completely gone. He knows the relapse is bound to happen someday. But he doubts, with the hollow way Matthew doesn't see anything around him, it would happen any time soon.
It's far past the point of long enough, and Alfred believes there is a way to remedy it. A balance of inescapable control and forbidden thoughts would surely restore things to a perfect equilibrium, more than satisfactory for Alfred and beyond painful for Matthew.
Matthew was the first country Alfred had broken, he was the one Alfred watched the closest, he was a sort of reference for Alfred. And he would once again serve as a test, to enable Alfred to determine the exact balance between obedience and insubordination.
For the first time in a year, a grin splits across Alfred's face.
He hikes the steps of the Minipax, before arriving in front of a pair of large metallic doors. One of them is already ajar, and the Territory doesn’t even have the chance to raise his hand before he freezes. What he hears then makes his eyebrows arch up.
Oceania is inside and he’s speaking to someone, so the Territory decides to wait until he’s no longer busy to make his presence known. There’s only one voice coming from the inside, and… there’s a hint of irritation marring the usually calm, steady tone.
“... think that the best idea is to declare war on me, then?”
A pause. A scoff.
“Right, and Yao told you that, didn’t he? … And you have reason to believe that I would go around bombing your outposts and territories and whatnot for the hell of it? … Oh yeah, ‘course that sounds completely believable. … You know just as well as I do that he isn’t a damn bit better than either of us. He just paints a holier-than-thou mask and plasters a wise smile and suddenly he’s got you wrapped around his finger, Ivan. He’s not stupid, neither am I. … I don’t -- what are you… listen up here, I do not have all day, I have things to deal with. … How do you know about… Fine. -- well, guess that’s not my problem any more. Fine, declare war on me, both of you, have fun.”
The Territory pressed closer to the door, his treacherous, dangerous instincts taking over, a frown edging deeper onto his face.
“It’s happened before and nothing's gonna change anyway so,... Have a nice week, Ivan, ’cause I am going to do my best to make sure you don’t. … That is none of your business what does or doesn’t go on in my territories. No, it’s not their business either what I do in them or with them. … As if you believe in the ‘right to know’. … Yeah, sure, Yao is such a better ally than I am. Good-bye, Eurasia, loathe to speak to you.”
By the end of the conversation, the territory’s muscles are tense and a frown creases his face; his mind replays the one-sided dialogue. Eurasia? Eurasia had been on the other end of the line? Oceania was in control. Oceania had to be in control, Eurasia couldn’t declare war on him. Oceania had… he had told him so. And even if he did exist, why would Oceania sound so angered? Oceania could win the war any moment if he so wanted. He had more than enough resources, he was far more powerful. And they weren’t at war with Eurasia. It was Eastasia. It had always been Eastasia. It had-
His train of thought is interrupted by the door flinging open, and Oceania looking at him with a bland expression. The smell of ash clings to him, and the Territory spots the smoking ashtray on Oceania’s desk.
It’s as if he’s not even surprised to see the Territory standing there with a beige folder tucked under his arm. The Territory’s immediate reaction is an apology, but Oceania beats him to it.
“Why’re you here?” Oceania asks, and it’s as if he’s not even concerned about the phone conversation the Territory might have overheard. Maybe it hadn’t even happened. The phone conversation was in the Territory’s imagination.
“I-” The Territory starts, and he quickly remembers the folder. He takes a hold of it. “Possible thoughtcriminal, thoughtpol documented acts and watchrec inside.” He presents the folder to Oceania, who eyes it for a minute before looking back up at the Territory.
Oceania looks at him blankly. “In Oldspeak. Newspeak is being revised. Some words are… nonwords… now.” Oceania waves his hand and it looks as if he has no idea what he’s really saying.
“Of course…” He resists the odd, quizzical look wanting to settle onto his face by replacing it with a blank one. Perhaps Oceania was troubled, and the Territory would be more than glad to assist - only if needed, however. “This is the identification of a possible thoughtcriminal and the Thoughtpolice’s documented infractions and criminal or suspicious activities, along with their recommendation for him to be watched and followed.”
Oceania nods, and takes the folder. “I assume this is a highly-placed Inner Party member for this to be brought to me?” At the lack of response, Oceania raises an eyebrow. He opens the folder, and glances inside before shutting it again. “Did you look at the profile?”
The Territory shakes his head. “I didn’t have the time. It was marked urgent and to be immediately delivered to you.”
Oceania looks almost pleased. “Good.” He opens the folder again, before looking up again as the Territory still lingers. “Anything else?”
“There…” he pauses. Did the conversation really occur? It couldn’t have. “Nothing.”
But he had heard it.
Oceania nods. “Alright. Dismissed, back to your duties.”
A salute, and he’s making his way down the stairs again. He tries to forget the conversation.
It plagues him for the next week.
“Matthew!”
The shout startles the Northern Territory, who doesn’t move for a moment. When Oceania doesn’t call again, the Territory returns to placing the files in the cabinet in order.
The next moment, however, the door to the room he’s in is flung open, and Oceania’s eyes are trained right at him.
“What was that about?”
The Territory freezes, unsure of what he was supposed to answer.
“When I call, you don’t ignore me,” Oceania states with an expectant frown, looking him up and down.
“I-” The Territory tries to think of something to say. “I didn’t hear you,” he attempts, but that’s obviously the most wrong answer he could have given.
“I was in the room, right next door, and I shouted. Really?”
“You called for Matthew?”
Oceania’s eyes glint, but then he looks at him blankly. “And?”
The Territory’s confusion rises - what is Oceania on about? Who is Matthew? Was he suppose to know him?
Why does the name sound familiar?
Oceania looks at him in disappointment. “Never mind. Forget about it. I was thinking of someone else,” he says before closing the door again.
The Territory is left more confused than ever, and has no idea what to make of it. He decides to file the occurrence away from his memory, an unnecessary piece of information that matters to no-one.
A slip of the tongue.
Even though Oceania never made mistakes.
Doublethink. Both statements must be true.
It’s not until three weeks later, when he’s doing the morning exercises in his meek apartment, that the name Matthew connects -
I am Matthew.
He freezes in his thoughts, unable to process it. He’s only taken away from his thoughts once the telescreen calls him back to reality.
I am Matthew.
Why?
“How is your Territory?” Oceania asks, his voice cool and detached.
The Territory’s - Matthew’s - eyes snap up to the superstate, who is intently focused on the target in front of him. Oceania fires a round from his weapon, before inspecting the results. He places the gun back into its holster, before he takes the cigarette from between his lips and exhales the smoke. He looks expectantly at him.
“Good,” Matthew tries, and it seems Oceania is satisfied. He tries to think of something to say. “How - how is the war? Against Eastasia?”
“Eurasia,” Oceania says with a frown.
Matthew’s brain stops, his mind reeling to a halt at the mistake. Ripped posters, a mob gone wild flash through his mind. “Oh - oh, of course, Eurasia, of course. Of course.”
Oceania eyes him suspiciously for a minute, the silence overbearing.
“We’re winning,” Oceania says finally. “As always.”
“As always,” Matthew repeats thoughtlessly. Oceania throws the cigarette away, crushes it under his boot.
“When’s the last time you’ve had any practice?” Oceania asks, and Matthew takes a minute to realise what he’s talking about. “With a gun.”
“A-? I don’t - I haven’t…” Matthew tries to find the words, but his right index finger twitches, almost a reflex. Oceania catches it, and takes the weapon out of its holster before loading it. It’s certainly not something Matthew has seen in years, if not decades - he’s only caught a glimpse of one when he was sent to supervise the loading of a shipment to the frontlines of the war. He doesn’t recall ever holding one.
“Here, try it,” Oceania says as he hands Matthew the weapon, holding the barrel of the gun, the handle within Matthew’s reach. At Oceania’s prompting, Matthew takes the handle, the gun slipping comfortably to fit in his hand. His fingers slide into place, and for a moment Oceania looks amused. “Aim and fire.”
Matthew stares at the target, unsure of what to do. His arm rises, the weapon steadies, he sees the target over the barrel and his finger twitches. Oceania moves immediately, pushing his arm down and taking the weapon from him, Matthew’s eyes still trained on the target. Oceania then watches Matthew curiously, before moving towards the target - he walks to it, before coming back with the grin of a devil twisting his lips.
“Have you ever fired a gun before?” He asks.
Matthew stares, uncomprehending, a sole memory flashing through his mind - snarled words, desperation, blue eyes, blackout.
“No.”
He can feel the reverberations of the gunshot across his hand.
Oceania nods slowly. “Dismissed - you can go about your day.”
As Matthew leaves, he can feel the eyes following him.
Thoughtcriminal.
The single word resonated in Matthew’s mind, and in a flash he was moving. Helmet, safety vest, and he leads a team out the door. No words are said as they make their way to the crime scene, silence reigns as they bust the door, all of them mute as the telescreen speaks its orders.
Oceania himself is already there in a clean, dark grey - almost black, even - uniform with a team of Thoughtpolice with him. The man doesn’t show up on often to catch minor, Outer Party criminals, but he sometimes does to check the functionality of the operations.
The woman is terrified, frantic, pleading. Oceania smiles at her and tells her meaningless words that will haunt her forever. Matthew looks around the place, picking up this and that before tossing it aside without care.
Matthew’s eyes land on a book. The name means nothing to him, the author catches his gaze.
Emmanuel Goldstein.
He reads the title again.
THEORY AND PRACTICE OF OLIGARCHICAL COLLECTIVISM.
Half the words no longer mean a thing to him, but they looked so very familiar. Like an old friend whose face and name do not match up. Matthew picks it up, and his fingers clutch the book.
It shouldn’t exist.
It definitely shouldn’t be there.
But there it is, and Matthew’s mind nags at him that it might contain all the answers he wants, the truth - it might contain the truth. His arms want to put it back down. His brain doesn’t let them. He doesn’t see when the woman is escorted - dragged - out of the room, but he jumps when a hand lands on his shoulder. He whips around, the book behind his back.
Oceania’s clear eyes shine at him through his glasses.
“We’re done here. Did you find something?”
Perhaps Matthew imagines it, but he thinks there’s a weight on the last word of the question. For a moment the thought he knows flashes through his mind, but he ignores it.
“Nothing of interest.”
Oceania’s lips quirk, and Matthew thinks it might be amusement. The alarming thought returns, but he files it away again - he can’t know, he wouldn’t be amused, the book is criminal, forbidden, treason. Oceania wouldn’t smile. He wouldn’t take it lightly. He cannot know.
“Alright,” Oceania says, his hand falling away from Matthew’s shoulder. “Go home.”
Matthew can only nod, his mind twisting on itself. He hides the book into his jacket, makes his way home. Every corner feels like he’s being watched, and he doesn’t doubt it - the screens know, the cameras know, Oceania knows. But he makes his way home, finds himself a place to hide from the telescreen’s eyeless sight, finds a corner and opens the book.
CHAPTER I. Ignorance is strength.
“Throughout recorded time...”
No. He couldn’t read further. His hands are shaking, his heart pounds. Finding out the why would be too much. But he has to move on, he has to know. He has to know something. He reads, on and on, page after page, half the words meaningless to him - but he finds that the longer he reads, the easier it becomes for him. Oldspeak comes back to him, and his mind reels at the words in front of him. Every moment he feels watched, a pit of fear pools in his gut, the reality sinking in with every word. Faraway memories resonate in his head, and guilt gnaws at him.
“... the citizen of Oceania is like a man in interstellar space, who has no way of knowing which direction is-”
A knock.
Matthew jumps, scrambles to hide the book. He has to find a place to put it, hide it, but the knock comes again and he panics. He opens the door with the book in his hand behind his back.
“You seem surprised to see me,” Oceania states, a bland expression on his face. Matthew can’t do anything but stare, his mouth unable to form words. “I just came by to see you. You were, to say the least, acting odd. I needed to see if everything was fine.” Oceania eyes Matthew, and Matthew’s gut lurches. Oceania sighs. “There’s been more thoughtcrime in your territory than in previous years.”
He knows.
“Want to take a guess why that might be?”
Matthew doesn’t answer.
He knows everything.
“No?”
Matthew shakes his head.
Oceania nods slowly, as if thoroughly disappointed. “I guess you don’t know.” Oceania raises an eyebrow. “Yet.”
Oceania turns away. The book behind his back burns his hand.
Big Brother is watching you.
#aph 1984#aph canada#aph america#aph oceania#1984 au#dark america#brainwashing#insanity#implied character death#psychological exploitation#psychological torture#torture#1984 hetalia#my writing
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