things in my life lately:

- feeling always bitter how no one really likes me except maybe 3 people and people never invite me to do things or anything. like my school does a mock beauty pageant for boys (think like a standup talent show satire of ms america) and one of my friends did it and he didnt ask me to be in his set. sigh.

- might be developing a crush on a boy who used to be my best childhood friend. we then had a falling out and he moved to a private school. now hes back at my high school. con: i am unlovable. also, i am going to college in 3 months. pro: he is going to a college which is a 10 minute drive from mine. also i really like just hanging around him and talking with him and hes surprisingly patient with how fucking weird i am LOL.. .um.. idk 😐 help me. hes funny. hes not that cute but its ok

- have genuinely no motivation for anything anymore. i keep leaving school when i have free periods and just not coming back.

- 76% sure one of my friends has a crush on me and while hes a fine friend i have No romantic interest in him at all (coming from someone who like... flirts with friends a lot as a joke...) and its just annoying. sorry man.

- A GIRL I HATE IS SITTING AT MY FUCKING PROM TABLE and she didnt ask ANY OF MY FRIENDS for permission WHEN ITS LIKE... ASSIGNED SEATS YOU CHOOSE BEFOREHAND. UGH. NO ONE LIKES HER!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN LIKE... ANYTHING MORE THAN COURTEOUS TO HER when i am known for being like really nice and friendly. and with her im really cold. so why does she think my friends like her

- i wish my family could talk to each other normally guys i cant do this... we all treat every conversation like a competition or a standup...

- i have given up on ever transitioning and im considering keeping my birthname for conveniences sake. idek if ill change my last name to my mothers maiden name. like 1) my family is so so transphobic and 2) i dont... really have the ability to transition as an nb person to my ideal gender presentation and 3) i want. people to know who i am. like people from my school childhood etc and changing my name defeats that. and please dont be like “dont live your life for other people” i have tried not living for other people and it does not help. this is who i am.

- wish i was a normal high schooler with a group of friends i wish i had any real life experiences i wish i got asked to prom i wish people cared when i wasnt around i wish i was worth more than just someone you keep near you to make you laugh and be the butt of jokes oh my god

.