#maybe the 'didn't know we were dating' idea i've also been thinking abt for ages | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imnotreal-png · 3 months

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>:) -- Entry 1

OK i just smoked a joint after i wrote the date and now im kinda chillin but imma still yap on dis hoe.

I am a loser. Like a huge loser, okay? Like im not dumb or wtv, i may have reached a weird and insane level of self awareness, but im just as much of a loser as anyone else.

I keep catching myself trying to people please and overstepping my boundaries and justifying it with "oh everyone else does it, so what, its normal" like ok dumb bitch that doesn't make it okay, get a grip.

But i will be yapping away abt alot of stupid bullshit i deal with and stupid things make me sad. I am very well aware that I am irrational, but these are things i feel in those moments that i always hold in because i don't want people 2 see that weak side of me. It's embarrassing and it's not me.

In truth, i have nooo idea what i'm doing. I have 0 clue on where i'll be in the future. I didn't think i'd make it this far and not on some suicidal shit (idk if u can say that word here, oops.), i just genuinely thought that i'd somehow perish?? Like i wasn't really real in some weird way. I just didn't exist. Even though i was always the center of drama or the cause of all things chaotic, i was always misunderstood. god that's so fucking cringe but hear me out.

I always said shit that i believed was clear enough to be understood and yet it wasn't. Even my tone apparently has been rude this entire time. But no one would actually tell me how i come off, they just ate it up in silence and then spaz on me. Even now i don't really understand because i truly believe i am very clear on what im saying. Yet it's still...not seen the way im trying to show it? Idk if im making any sense bruh but whatever. Maybe im narcissistic but no one understands my brain the way i attempt to express it...or i guess how i see it. Idk i guess im just frustrated that no one understands me or gets my brain.

Also it's super cringe when people tell me im mature for my age. Literally eat my shit. actual ick. get away from me.

I hate my mom. She hates me too but she hates me bc I'm not the pussy she wishes she was when she was my age. She's the most childish person i know. I genuinely do not care what she thinks of me whatsoever. She's just power hungry and immature. Actually, I don't even hate her, i just hate that she gets to have all this power over me. I just want my freedom, thats it. She can hate my lifestyle or whatever the fuck, as long as im not living with her. At the end of the day, im truly content with who i am as a person and my moral compass etc, she cant affect that. I just need to have my own space and leave her household to finally be free and actually experience life in a comfortable and more peaceful way. I guess that's all i can say rn. I just wish she would respect my boundaries and stop treating me like im her competition and she'll always be superior. She won't and i cannot wait for the day she finally see's that lol.

!! super irrational moment alert !!

LMAO this is super cringe but like when i started music i put "listen 2 my moozik" in my bio bc we say muzik in albanian but americans wud have 2 read it as moozik to get it right + its funny? Ever since i started rlly getting exposure and performing out there, all these NON SLAVS/BALKANS have started putting it in their bio's 🙄 like be fr, its sooo obvious (at least to me). And now some of these mfs i've interacted w startes stealing my lingo and the way i type [this isn't how i type when i txt friends. its worse and i shorten everything in a miserable way cuz its funny] and it's cute at first but now mfs on social media posting the way i do and talking the way i do. [insert side eye bc yeah] and it's kinda cringe cuz they're actually rlly shallow and mainstream people, they just look like they trying 2 hard to be quirky. lol.

im probably tweakin tho idk.

i wish i grew up with art. i wish my parents had that and were able to introduce it to me. I feel like a fraud when i try to be creative and do things. Even with making music. As much as i enjoy it and love it and it really does make me happy, it feels fake. I can't play any instruments, i can't sing, im far from a good writer, fuck if know anything abt music theory...i literally just click buttons and make sounds on my computer lol. I didn't grow up indulging in art and creativity, i was actually always super bad at it. I wish i had a deeper connection with it. I wish i understood it better. I wish i expressed it better. I wish my ideas were my own. I want to be able to create something that is truly mine without feeling like im a fake.

UHHHH so imma just come on here and vent whenever i feel like i have something i need 2 say. This is intended for the void, if u come across it...cringe.

#vent post #journal #diary entry #advice

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themariotheme · 3 years

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okay under the cut..... is my dumb lil skeleton for my story based on the lyrics for frankie by alexandra savior..... read if u wish..... i haven't read or written in ages..... the last time i tried to read was yesterday and it was the plague by camus and i only got 2 pages in before i got distracted (because of the brainrot? let's blame it on that)

written 04.04.2021

Why am I latching onto this idea that I will surely not carry out to completion? I don’t know maybe ‘cause I nearly called myself Frankie instead of Alex. Jamie and Jordan and Max were on the table too.

This story would work even if it weren’t gay, Frankie could be whoever. They could even just be friends but where else will I get my subverted bury-your-gays trope? I’ll have to read books and I haven’t Read in ages, I don’t have brain cells.

Anna-Marie Mirage is an actress, but more like modern day Marilyn Monroe than Audrey Hepburn. She's not respected enough.

She’s dating an actor named Dean. He’s a Clint Eastwood/James Dean/Humphrey Bogart type, he plays the Cool Hero Guy in movies. He’s been in mobster films, sci fi movies, westerns, etc.

He’s kind of an asshole. Anna-Marie thinks he’s cheating on her.

The second act consists of Anna-Marie and Dean’s fights, and then her meeting Frankie.

Frankie is someone who is also in the industry, maybe not an actress, but maybe someone industry adjacent. Frankie and Anna-Marie get together. Maybe Anna-Marie asks for help from Frankie to find out info about the people Dean is cheating on her with.

The parallel stories mirror the occurring events, but they take place in universes from Dean's movies, so a western setting, in the mafia, and in space, but the story gets subverted so Dean, who would be the 'hero' in those stories typically, 'loses'.

The mafia one, Anna-Marie ends up hiring a hit on Dean and Frankie is the mercenary.

The sci-fi one, Dean dies by his own stupidity.

The western one, I think maybe Anna-Marie poisons him.

Anna-Marie still steps in and solves whatever conflict the hero was meant to solve.

In the main story, Anna-Marie stays with Frankie behind Dean’s back, more empowered in herself and then the ending could be left ambiguous-ish? Or Anna-Marie dumps his ass and roasts the fuck out of him with all the info Frankie helped her get on his cheating ass as she leaves.

(everything below was my attempt at Getting The Damn Story Started which didn't go anywhere)

As far as careers went, being a Hollywood actress comes with it’s fair share of pros and cons. Nevertheless, Anna-Marie couldn’t complain. Not publicly, anyway. It was all she could do to keep a smile on her face while her (male) costars shook hands and won awards for performances that were (worth less than?) half of what she could have done in those roles.

Even privately, though, she felt entitled for the resentment she held for the industry she chose to work in. She had been in films and worked with incredible people, people she respected. For all intents and purposes, she had “made it”. But the artist in her longed for actual roles. Not for lack of trying, but every character she had played was never the lead, it never her story. It wasn’t bitterness or the want for the spotlight, though, that drove her mad, she had no qualms about playing a secondary character. It was the lack of depth. Her characters' involvement in the story was almost always inconsequential, superficial. She was the sexy lamp. And it infuriated her.

There wasn’t any way not to sound cocky about it, but Anna-Marie knew she was a good actress. She was sure of her skill, but the opportunity to really become involved in a movie had yet to present itself, it seemed at points to be just out of reach, like her fingertips were grazing the side of it but it slipped by her tauntingly.

probably overexplaining my dumb thought process about the lyrics and story and thus making it uninteresting below:

[Verse 1]:

Babe, you got your villains' car//You got your sleeves rolled up//Anatomical heart

(Dean, mafia movie)

Babe, got your ten-gallon hat

(Dean, western)

Cinnamon toothpick//Lightning flash

(cinnamon toothpicks were popular in the 50s, so mafia movie?)

[Verse 2]:

Babe, you got your destiny//You've got your fingers crossed//You've got me so intrigued

Babe, you've got to make me come...//Back to your Battle Star//We better run along

(Dean, sci fi)

[Pre-Chorus]:

You got falling stars at your feet//

You got stolen from next to me

And the moment's gone back to sleep//

You got stolen from next to me

(cheating)

[Chorus]:

Say you gotta go//To a place I don't know

(cheating)

Well the ace in the hole//Is I've got a friend called Frankie

(in the "literal" story, Frankie has her intel on Dean's cheating ass, in the mafia story, Frankie would be her merc, not sure abt the other ones yet, but having Frankie could be Anna Marie's smoking gun, because Dean isn't the only one she has)

[Bridge]:

Submit to me//Your fantasy

And I'll endlessly//Maintain it...

(this one for if she gets back with him, playing along and "maintaining his fantasy" but actually having power in the relationship now) (but also like. she would end up dumping him anyway)

#ch's #personal #my writing #alexandra savior

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