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eg0161 · 7 years

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The British Invasion.

It is no secret of mine that I have a large enthusiasm and passion for Thailand. I love this Country for many reasons, some I can’t even explain. Ever growing as a holiday destination, only last week it was reported that the growing figures of tourism are set to bring problems to Thailand as they just don’t have the resources to handle it.

Like myself, it is the good food, wonderful people and beautiful climate that attract the thousands of backpackers to Bangkok Airport every year. And I know that the gorgeous Thai women with a unique pining for pale, fat and old European men also bring in the 40+ males. But what about the rest? What charms does Siam hold that successfully bring those out of this bracket in too? I decided to travel with some holiday makers to find out.

Judith and Debra.

I met Judith and Debra at Bangkok airport. Arriving from North Manchester, they agreed to let me spend a few days with them as they holidayed in Thailand. The pair were aged between 50 and 60 and my first observation was the unapologetic openness with their bodily functions. Upon entering the taxi, Judith was extremely flatulent and complained about the gin on the plane saying it made her ‘gassy’. Their second trip together to Thailand, the pair began to recall fond memories that resulted in ferocious bouts of laughter from jokes I didn’t get. In the middle of one of their ‘jokes’ and as Debra roared with laughter, she began urgently root around her handbag. I assumed she had a sudden panic regarding the whereabouts of her passport, instead she pulled out what looked like a large white sleeping bag from a pack of ‘Tena Lady’ and began to struggle it inside her knickers. I later realised this was some kind of adult nappy and was needed to protect her from her ‘laughter leaks’.

We reached the hotel and I was surprised to learn of their choice of location. They had chosen to stay on Rambuttri in Bangkok, which is the street adjacent to the busy, loud and infamous backpacker area of ‘Khoa San Road’ Often avoided, I enquired about the reasons for this and they instantly informed me it was the place to buy ‘cheap gear’ in the form of fake designer goods. I would later learn that if you were to combine the amount of time the pair spent shopping for things they didn’t even need, it would take up around 98.4% of their holiday, the rest they just spent drinking, shitting and watching documentaries about murderers on their IPads.

The pair were really friendly and insisted that I join them at their favourite bar in the whole of Thailand. They said the cocktails were to die for and I would really be missing out if I didn’t go. Bangkok boasts some of the most impressive bars in the World, they have sky bars that allow for beautiful skyline views and lavish drink menus in luxurious surroundings. Although not usually my thing, I didn’t want to be rude or miss out on an insight into something new. I showered, washed my hair and put on my one ‘good’ shirt I carried for formal emergencies. Just like their choice of accommodation, I was also surprised when we arrived at the bar that was actually a few bottles in the boot of a van, 7 seconds walk from the hotel room.

Their favourite bar vended 'cocktails’ in plastic cups from the window and their ‘poison’ came in the form of vodka and the same lemon juice they use to cook. I had to leave after three of these speciality cocktails when Judith was escorted to the metal chairs after breaking the plastics and later attempted to shit in the street.

The next day came and as the pair were hungover, they said they were going to their favourite restaurant tonight for some good food and I should join them. Food is probably my favourite thing about Thailand and I never turn down an offer to try a new restaurant. Thai cuisine is absolutely delicious and full of beautiful flavour combinations in the form of tasty stir fries, hearty soups and spicy curries. Something for everyone, Bangkok certainly deserved it’s award earlier this year for best street food in the World and is in no doubt, my favourite place to get my fill of Thai food.

I’d agreed to meet the ladies at 8.00pm but I was slightly late. I was pleasantly surprised to see that their favourite restaurant was a street food vendor offering hundreds of familiar and not so familiar dishes. The menu was cheap and really extensive and I was really excited to sit down, crack open a beer and order an array of dishes to share with these two hungover and hungry women. I was disappointed to learn that they had already ordered before my arrival but they did say I could of course try their dishes as I didn’t waste an opportunity of exploring this menu. I was excited of course until, their dishes of choice were delivered.

Chips and Mayonnaise.

All washed down with 14 fags.

I tried to talk to the pair about the wonder of Thai food and what they were missing out on. They said they were yet to try Thai food and alternated nightly between chips, kebab or ‘spag bol’. After several pleas, on day 4 in Phuket, the pair agreed to try a small buffet of Thai dishes I selected. On the one condition they were allowed to order garlic bread.

Unfortunately the delivery of food was not met fondly with Judith, whilst Debra tried to be polite, Judith went on to kick the table over, throw rice at my head and proceeded to place my bowl on the floor, lift up her dress and shit in my soup. She continued her aggression at other diners before taking the 24 pieces of garlic bread up to her room and watching a documentary about a woman who murdered her children and ate her pets.

I didn’t want to fall out with Judith again so I visited their room in the morning to apologise. I told her how I regretted greatly asking her to try Thai food in Thailand and that everything now could be done on her terms. I tried to find Debra to do the same, but she was out buying phone cases. I did wonder why as she had already bought 84 but I now know that these were for ‘best’.

I told the ladies I would love to put everything behind us and accompany them in doing what they love to do most in Thailand. Although this was actually shopping, they told me I could accompany them on their second favourite activity seen as though all we had done since we arrived was shop. I asked them to keep it a surprise and for them to simply lead the way. Filled with mountains, museums, beaches, waterfalls, outdoor and indoor activities I was excited to see what kept these ladies returning to the Land of Smiles.

Cheap cosmetic work applied by a ladybody with a gun. Of course.

The pair had their eyebrows, lips, nipples, eyelashes and toenails tattooed on. They had their arseholes dyed, shrunk, cleaned and shaved, They had their skin scrubbed, removed, applied, dyed, cleaned, massaged and cooked. They had their nails pulled, painted, rubbed and licked. Jesus Christ, what didn’t they have done? I endured 9 hours of their moans and groans and questioned the element of enjoyment, but my search for answers strictly came to an end when Judith decided to shit in the sink whilst having her scalp reconstructed.

The next day, the two ladies came to my room and asked if they could have their payment. I explained I never offered to pay them for their time and it was a mutual agreement for some light research. I soon found out they were in fact aware of this but had actually spent every single penny they had between them at the Ladyboy salon. I explained to them how much I wished I could help but I was on a tight budget with 2 months left and just couldn’t afford it on this occasion. Regrettably, things turned sour after this and that was the last time we spoke.

I left Judith and Debra a month ago. To this day, I often see the pair in and around Bangkok but they pretend they do not know who I am. They seem to be trying various ways to be making money to afford a flight home which I have documented below. I will forever treasure my time with these two ladies and the insight I gained into their lives. I wish them the best of luck with getting back to England and their futures.

When they appeared to get jobs in a luggage shop.

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When Debra got a job as a cleaner at a hotel

When Debra pretended to be blind and begged in Pratunam.

UPDATE 06/05/2017:

I saw them in their favourite salon last week and unfortunately, it would appear that they are dead.

RIP Judith and Debra. Thank you for your time. X

When My Mum came to Thailand (2015)

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