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maiesiophilicmonster · 9 months

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Hey... Y'know the trope of "spellcaster is exausted and in pain but has to keep pushing foward while everyone encourages them and is ecstatic, and then they all happily cheer when they've won"? I've always hated it, and sometimes i want the character in question to die so that everyone can have their smug smile wiped off their faces. I've analyzed myself a bit, and now i think i know why. ...SInce it's related to exaustion, forcing your body to do something it just doesn't feel like it can't do (while i struggle to get on my goddamned feet /off-topic) and other people being blissful while you just want to die, i connect that to childbirth, which connects to my childhood health scares, which gives me enormous amounts of anxiety, intrusive thoughts and at the same time activates my paraphilia. I don't think neuroypicals know how it feels like to have an intrusive thought that gives you both loads of anxiety and a twisted parody of arousal. It feels hellish. I loathe it.

#this is the ugly side of paraphilias #they can hurt us #especially if combined with other disorders #OCD my detested #maeisophilia #para safe #tw vent

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