Kinda weird q. How do you shop for online clothes? I’ve been using Amazon and want to stop for Obvious Reasons, do you know any good online stores? Help ;-;

yeah amazon sucks @$$ and disentangling yourself from that is dope, especially if you decide to support independent artists and clothing companies instead. that can definitely skew pricier but it’s v worth it, if you can afford it!

all of my favorite online stores are kind of... come se dice... very specifically tailored to my very particular sense of style, but some places I’ve had positive buying experiences with:

Paola’s Pixels (very cute and comfy d&d themed clothes, pins, and patches)

Fashion Brand Company (just one weird woman making everything by hand, and also making clothes for lizards)

BlackMilk (Australian, focus on minimizing fabric waste, a lot of wardrobe staples AND fun patterns, I’m particularly enamored by their very comfy overalls)

Lucy and Yak (British, v focused on sustainable and ethical production

Ragstock (just buckets of shit, some of it sucks and some is very good, I love their physical stores too)

Handmade by Janatee (this is actually me shamelessly plugging a dear friend, a queer creator who makes very cute pride-themed jewelry and crochet plushies)

clothing/accessory sites I am covetously watching and will probably be buying from soon:

Marigold Shadows (~avant-garde~ designs) 

Unique Vintage (exactly what it sounds like, honestly a better ModCloth)

Sock Dreams (cool socks + tights!)

iamnotsocool (Etsy shop selling jewelry including some weird-ass laser-engraved wooden earrings) 

these are obviously not everybody’s cup of tea! like I said, my taste is extremely questionable and definitely not for everyone! but it’s a start! also if you’re looking for something specific like black work pants or w/e you can always just. go to the website of like Target or TJ Maxx or wherever people buy work pants and shop around there until you find something that will work 

Lucy / @PolyThought

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

Just about five years now!

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I'm in a partnership of almost five years that has been an open relationship from the start. C and I first met as co-workers 10 years ago and had overlapping social circles but hadn't spent any time together one-on-one until our first date five years later. I decided the last time I was single that I only wanted non-monogamous relationships going forward, and he was completely comfortable with that, having had experience in open relationships before. I'm grateful to him for the perspective he offered me (when I was a brand-new polyamorous person) and his comfortable, positive attitude towards freedom in relationships. Our relationship has grown ever-stronger and closer over the years, and we just had a commitment ceremony last month to share with our loved ones our intention to remain in a loving and supportive relationship for the rest of our lives. Sometimes people don't understand why we didn't get legally married. Our relationship is unconventional beyond just being non-monogamous: we also don't live together, we don't share finances, and we both live very independent lives. At least at this point, it wouldn't benefit us much to legally merge in the ways that marriage involves. But we love each other deeply and are very committed to our relationship, and we had our ceremony to commemorate and celebrate that.

W is an important person in my life who I'm in a changing relationship with. We started dating shortly after we met nearly two years ago. My worldview has expanded so much as a result of knowing them, particularly in all that I've learned about aromanticism, but also in many other ways. Our relationship is currently transitioning from a partnership to something different, by mutual agreement. Although change is hard, we're both on board with finding out what's next, and it's reassuring to know that we love each other. I'm thinking of this in the framework of "find spaces for the people in your life, not people for the spaces in your life," and I'm confident that we will find the right spaces for each other.

Overall, I'd say my relationship philosophy is "non-hierarchical polyamory." Although it is important to me to honor the commitments and plans I've made in existing relationships, it's also important to me that I (and anyone I'm with) can make similar commitments and plans in new relationships, too, if we want to. To me, being non-hierarchical means that every relationship has equal opportunity for growth into its own best-fitting format.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

I'm good at communicating, even about the hard stuff, and I think I'm generally good at helping others feel comfortable communicating with me. I do well at analyzing relationships and introspecting about my motivations, feelings, needs, and boundaries. I'm good at seeking compromise in ways that honor my boundaries while keeping an open ear and heart to what my loved ones' boundaries are, too.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Jealousy! It sometimes comes up when I least expect it. My self-confidence is pretty good these days, but sometimes, something seemingly small will just set me on a downward spiral in my head. I think I have a pretty good process for dealing with it, though.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

Ideally, I give myself space to process my feelings when I'm first dealing with them. I know that my immediate, knock-me-upside-the-head jealous feelings will rarely lead to productive, compassionate discussion if I bring them up with the jealousy-target in that moment. Sometimes, that's been unavoidable, because the feelings start while I'm physically near the person/people. But if the feelings come up while I'm alone, I generally let myself sit with them long enough to feel them, and then for reason to start to creep back in. That usually involves some thought-challenging: for example, remembering that when I am enamored of someone, that doesn't change how I feel about anyone else. Or, remembering the things the person loves about me, or remembering evidence that they're attracted to me, or whatever else I need. Sometimes, that doesn't fully resolve my jealous feelings, and I realize I do need to talk to the person. My next step is to dig for a need I can name. Sometimes that need is just "verbal reassurance." Sometimes it's a request for extra attention or time. Sometimes it's a request for a change in communication -- for more or less of it, either in general or in specific circumstances, possibly on certain topics.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Get tested regularly (at least every 6 months for anyone seeing multiple people). Use agreed-upon protection. Communicate proactively about anything at all that might affect a partner's decision about whether to partake in a certain activity.

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

Specifically related to polyamory, I think the biggest mistake I made was thinking I should just be cool with everything. I wanted so badly to be chill. This led to some emotional challenges, but I've got a strategy now that works well. Something I learned over time was that although I don't want anyone to feel like they're keeping secrets, I also am not comfortable with hearing every last detail about a partner's relationship with someone else. I know some of my jealousy triggers by now. And although I have my ways of coping with jealousy, I've also now learned that there are ways to set myself up for success. And so, I've made peace with the fact that "chillness with everything" isn't, in fact, everything, and that having boundaries around the kinds of things I do and don't want to hear about is totally reasonable.

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?

I am queer -- I am attracted to and date people of various genders. As a bisexual person, I had to get over some internalized polyphobia: bisexual people are culturally trained that the way to be a "good bisexual" is to be monogamous. You know, to combat the stereotype of the greedy bisexual. Well, I'm not monogamous, but I refuse to believe that this means I'm letting down the bisexual community. I learned about the concept of respectability politics recently, which really casts things like this in a helpful light. I don't need to model myself into the kind of bi person who is deemed acceptable to straight (or gay, or even bi) culture: I just need to treat others well. And I do my very best to do that.

Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote? I'm on tumblr as @polythought. 

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