vanilla!A inducing sneeze after sneeze while touching themself to the thought of snzfet!B getting off on their sneezes

le sigh

its been a minute since i’ve typed my thoughts here... 

idk if its my depression or what but it seems like every time i come back home from cbus i am like meh about going back. 

which i mean, i have to help **** do literally everything and it isn’t really fun. and there just isn’t anything to do right now. 

I just feel like I’m not pushing myself as much. I feel like i have a list of things to do and then after like 3 days i drive back to cbus and completely abandon my to-do list. 

which i could try harder to work there... i just don’t even have a working laptop right now and we dont work well together. we lowkey encourage each other to procrastinate. 

I just feel like if i stop going i can have a regular schedule of like walking an hour 5 days a week. which i could do at their place if the weather is good. like idk maybe i could just hang out on the weekends, like on Friday after I’ve done my walk and whatever... 

Because I am staying too many days fr fr. 

I just want to push myself harder. I’m just letting myself go in many ways... I’ve put on a lot of weight... I have just stopped working on my music video idea...      i stopped working on my songs... i stopped with my film idea...                               I haven’t been moving forward with my to do list in a really long time and I think spending less time there or rather a more structured about of time could help me get a sort of routine... like maybe i only go saturday and sunday... and mon-fri I have to do what I need.  

I also just feel like ***** is always like its okay its okay that i’m doing nothing right now ... which, is nice and i understand it is okay and im not failing but i don’t need that type of encouragement right now. I know I have the power to motivate myself like i’ve done in the past. 

I’m just tired of feeling sorry for myself.. I just need to eliminate the distractions...

ugh.. also.. like i feel like i am just less attracted to them... like how i felt in the beginning is fading i feel like.... idk if that’s normal or what but i don’t feel the same spark whatsoever... this came into my head recently when i saw a pic of them from b4 i met them. it instantly reminded me of how hot i thought they were when i was just creeping on their instagram and didn’t know them well yet. they looked really hot and like a good time. that probably sounds a bit sleezy but like i mean they looked like the sex would be good and it just isn’t. and i guess it’s just like i remember looking at them in this certain way and feeling like they were so hot and like now.... i can’t see them in that same light... at all.... i dont see them as the same hot person i first saw them as... and that’s because that person i was imagining in the beginning doesn’t exist. and that’s clear to me now... i had this fantasy of kaiya and then it didn’t line up. 

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i’d never hit on someone before and have them explain they are asexual like 3 months into talking through emails... lmao this whole situation was sooo not what im used to...and tbh i was really throwing myself at ***** because i had just left **** for them basically and i felt stupid if i just dropped the best sex to be single.... but really the jokes on me because the person i threw myself at ended up being asexual and not wanting to fuck me anyways lmao.  it was like i was too proud. too proud to admit this is a bit of a rebound for me. that’s why that night i first kissed them was such a W for me. i didn’t want to lose that feeling. my ex tries to get me back, i say no and they leave sad, i hit on my crush and kiss them for the first time... then i drive home with my even bigger crush and tell them how the kissing was weird lmao... i hate myself. lmao

the only reason i even went back to ***** was because bigger crush didn’t like me and i felt like I took an L so i wanted attention from them to not feel sad...rejection really has me crawling to anyone to feel validated. and i feel like i just did this pattern in 2019.. I hit on someone i have a big crush on they reject me, i bounce back to my ex to try to pretend i didn’t take an L and to show i can get ppl and im desirable.. then that ex becomes too much and i got what i wanted from that so i just drop them, basically ghost them as soon as i hit on ***** ... then i instantly broke it off when my ex again.. and in my head i just kept thinking i better not have this fall through now cuz i really don’t wanna take another L...and the whole summer i was very stressed at every email because i just wanted this person to like me...i couldn’t tell what they were thinking the whole time cuz it didn’t seem like they liked me like that... only for them to come back.. and ive just been so sure this whole summer we’re gonna fuck and then they casually say they are asexual...  

that just hurt and was annoying. bitch watch me ask ppl str8 up if they are asexual now... ffs .. if im ever in a weird predicament again where im emailing ppl for months before fucking.

i just... dont even feel like masturbating anymore... it just makes me feel sad. the sexual connection just isnt there. it was there when we were tripping on acid. that was the first time i could feel a back and forth between us. i just dont know if im in love with them anymore. they aren’t the fantasy i had in my head when i first saw them and had an instant crush... and tbh their making out is weird because it isn’t sexual... its just like kissy suck on my lip .. its making me realize what makes making out hot is the sexual tension and it isn’t there for them. i just wish they would’ve told me earlier they were asexual but i guess i also understand like i didn’t ask, but idk i also think like wouldn’t you want to make sure you’re with a partner who wants to be with someone asexual? its just like, i feel like im hanging on by a single fred. lol. and that fred has been that oh maybe the sex will be better but i have low hope. because its more than sex.. its like ur sexual energy and vibe should be there like all the time not just when we are alone in their room having sex... like there is no sexual chemistry... it just feels like we are good friends who make out and they rub me off... it feels very elementary. im tired of like pressing them to let me touch them and shit. that really shouldn’t be how it is.. if they dont want me to touch them then like fine.

it also bothered me they mentioned me going on ssri’s when literally like everyone else i know doesn’t suggest those because you lose your sex drive and im like bitch why dont you change your meds and get off ssri’s ... it’s just too much... i hate that i’ve had thoughts like well maybe i’ll be happier in this relationship if im taking ssri’s .... which i don’t think that’s healthy either. i just feel like every week im discouraged this will ever hit right. i really dont feel as much as a spark...