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Well I can confidently say the zoloft is making a huge difference because I could have NEVER handled the past 2 work weeks, much less TWO consecutive 11 hour days at all, without having an enormous depressive breakdown like I was having those before like omg remember it wasn't that long ago I was saying like..... "my breakdowns are happening closer and closer together it's becoming too much and I'm scared about how much longer I can go on like this" and just like that... a couple weeks in and it just stopped? Like I had a couple small breakdowns here and there over like specific triggers going on irl, my bpd is still p stirred up, but I've otherwise felt like.... fine ....... like I don't wake up anymore with my FIRST thought of the day being wishing I were dead, I cant remember crying myself to sleep recently either??? Like things have been immensely stressful but mostly I just feel angry about it and I think that anger is just me wanting to change things that are hurting me, if that makes sense, idk, it's hard to put into words...

I just feel. Really good. Like not numb, not even apathetic... like my sadness doesnt feel so consuming, it doesnt rip my mind apart all day and distract me, my brain isnt feeding me an endless stream of in intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and paranoia..... like its not all entirely gone but it's so.. minimal... and I feel like theres more space in me to feel happiness or at least contentment, at always just feeling like things will be okay and not be overwhelmed by hopelessness

My brain isnt suffering from vacancy anymore either I'm still a little fuzzy here and there but mostly my thought streams are all there making me feel creative and internally mentally stimulated! Omg it was genuinely SO scary at first because like.. the first week or so? I literally lost the ability to imagine anything in my minds eye, like I couldn't see pictures in my head anymore and I was so unimaginably scared beyond words like how can i do my art or even just LIVE without that... but I wanted to give it time and not bail right away... so when the psychiatrist followed up with me I told her about that like, how my mind was empty and it was scaring me and she said like, it needs some time to balance out dont worry, practice filling the void with positive things, so that's what I did ...... like what I do is I would like, try to pull up memories of stuff in my like, my brain art files i had been thinking about for a while like I would listen to a song I had drawn out some story board thumbnails for and be like , ok man remember you know what this should look like, right? And just try to imagine the scenes because they were things I saw in my mind before! It was really really hard at first like... it was weird I really dont know how to describe it but over time it came back to me all very naturally and it was so comforting at the time cause being able to picture stuff I had before made me optimistic my mind wasnt like, damaged .... anyway now I'm back to normal and I can imagine whatever again on cue like, (imagines fern fortnight dancing) yep it's all working up there

SO yeah it was... quite an experience but it seems the worst of the side effects are over and its making me feel better and I'm really really glad about that, I definitely had my doubts in fact like, I barely know anyone at all who found success with the first anti depressant they tried????? But that's how lamictal was for me too as the first thing I ever started taking like....... whack...... my mood stabilized my depression anti my meat huge

I'm defs sticking with this so long as nothing suddenly changes or goes wrong in fact I dont know if I'll even bother going up on the dose when they talk to me about that because I feel like that was my one mistake with lamictal, a prescriber haphazardly upped me even though I'd been on the same dosage for years and I honestly dont know if that was a good idea and I wasnt even in a mental place where I could be self advocating (which only makes it worse he did that???) So this time I'm handling this in a "if it ain't broken dont fix it" way and right now I feel less broken than I ever have in my life