#look im sciencing for these okay im also trying to convince myself i didn't go too far | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

katnissimabottom · 7 months

Text

her.

a/n: vent post??? wrote a pov story about me and my old crush but with different character names than irl. abt deluding urself abt him liking you when he was chasing after someone else the whole time. includes entries from my real diary ;-; i feel like many other teens can relate so yeah im posting this

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday, August 15, 2023

His pov:

I was running through the rain on my way home from school. As soon as I turned the corner, I saw a girl. A girl sitting on a bench overlooking the soaking beach. I was cold and wet, but my curiosity took over this time. I approached her, realizing who it was. "What is Trinity doing here?" I thought. I wondered how she was.

Her pov:

"Are you okay?" he asked me. Why would he check on me? I was doing fine on my own.

I cloud my mind with delusions and hope. I need to stop doing that. He doesn't like me.

I moved some of my drenched hair from my face and gave my warmest smile and nod. Likely convincing enough. I turned to face the beach again.

He started, "May I sit?"

"Of course." I started using my sleeve to wipe the water from the seat next to me.

"Do you like the rain?" he asked, making conversation.

"Yes."

Ugh, hope again.

"What do you like about it?"

"It's peaceful." My voice remained monotonous. "One would rather be alone than lonely, right?"

"Yes."

Lies. The rain made me feel both.

His pov:

"It's so beautiful," she whispered.

"It is beautiful."

I hate the rain, but I wasn't lying when I called it beautiful. There was a certain aspect of the moment. I imagine that Trinity is Marie, then I feel all the more better. That's what Trinity wants anyway. I'll let her down slowly.

Her pov:

"Well, I'd better get going," he stood up, patting the dampness from his clothing. He was breathtaking in the rain.

I shot a smile, traces of grief lingering at the corners of my mouth. I seriously wanted him to know the pain that he caused me, but I didn't want it to be obvious. I didn't want to tell him. I wanted it to have been some epiphany. I was a spiteful person, I'd admit. I wanted him to feel bad despite my love and adoration for the boy. If he wanted me he could have gotten me. At least that was obvious enough.

Her Diary:

Friday, May 26, 2023

I’m really fucking miserable with my situation and I hate it. I just hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I’ve done enough. I’ve sent him a valentine, and I’ve pretty much confessed to him. The last thing I needed - on the day of our sleepover, too - was for Crystal to have asked him if he liked me. Even worse, in front of me. I practically kill myself for him. I’m late to school most mornings because I spend so much time trying to look good for him, only to go to school and see him clinging to another girl. I just really fucking miss how we were for this brief period of time. Before Talia and Marie, before he was “taken over.” It all started in science, when he turned around and quizzed me on my own shirt.

I’ve changed a lot. I'm more awkward around him now because I didn’t use to have a crush on him. I wish I would’ve struck before Marie came along because she’s so flawless and I have no chance with her around. Anyways, I love him so fucking much and he knows it, so why hasn’t he like.... yk.

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

It’s hard when the source of your pain is also the thing you love most. Like, I’ve been rlly sick yesterday and today and he saw how tired and miserable I was today. He knows that it was bad enough that I went home early. He never talked to me, but I guess it’s selfish of me to ask that of him. My fist balled up when Marie stood in the end of math class and said, “I’ll wait for you.” Or how they both smile when they get shipped. How long will it take him to choose me? Is he truly too young? Or does he feel stuck? Or can he rlly just not be able to choose between us? Or does he not like me but “agreed” under pressure.

He has my phone number, and he could have just checked in with me. What I said to him, through text when I confessed, I said that I rlly wish we were closer but that there wasn’t rlly anything we could do abt it. He said that he agreed, but then why doesn’t he ever text first? I get that he’s shy or likes to take it slow or wtv, but I’ve made it obvious that I like him. I’ve already experienced enough shame, so if he actually agrees, he has nothing to lose. If he wanted to break my heart he could, but I don’t think he wants to. I have this gut feeling that he likes me, anyway. But what he doesn’t realize is that my impatience and jealously is slowly breaking my heart as well as a true heartbreak would.

My mom and friends always say, “Well if he can’t see that you are better than her, he’s not worth it.” I try to have that mentality, but I don’t think they know how deep this is. I’ve never felt this much for someone. I want to marry him. He’s all I care about. Simp, I know. But it hurts when people call me that. Even friends like Kate who seems to care a lot about their crush still have hobbies. My only hobbies are snapchat and video games. It rlly sucks. If I could turn my attachment level down a notch I would, but I’m afraid that if I let go, all the things I’ve done to make him know I like him would just be meaningless embarrassments. So I feel like I need to be attached. However, this summer, I’m don’t think I’m ever gonna see him so that will give me a chance to try and look good for myself, and not some boy. Hopefully it works...

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Ultimately, he chose her. Exactly one month ago today, I got the news. “Dustin is dating Marie.” Him, dating her. I got it from Crystal. Could’ve been a lie. I doubted she was lying. But other people seemed to have known. I sighed at the realization. I smiled, feeling a strange sense of relief if not pain.

I could never help but love you. You always gave me the impression that you liked me, and no matter how much you tried to hint it wasn’t true, I clouded my mind with delusions and hope and the thought that love finds a way. I like to associate my life with songs I like. Unfortunately, at that, I’m starting to realize that my experience with you that week was much like washing machine heart; at the time I would have thought it as national anthem.

"It's not a struggle, it's an inconvenience. Stop complaining. Struggles are challenges you face against your will. This is just something you lack," I tell myself.

Every time I bought makeup, clothing, I thought about that brief moment you’d look at me. I was so happy that my hair has been tame lately, because maybe, just maybe you would notice, and think “Oh, she looks pretty.” I’ve done so much, and until recently, I’ve been planning what I’d say for Valentines Day. The song video games makes me feel a certain way and I feel like putting it into a playlist and listening to it, feeling happy. But the true reason why I love the song is out of my reach. I know I acted too obsessed, but I hoped that it would have at least gotten me somewhere. You’ve taken the love I’ve given, and given it to her, the easy choice. The choice without controversy. You don’t know that all those times I listened to those pretty love songs, I’ve thought of you. My idea of my future worked around yours. Though after all, you chose the girl I’ve always wanted to be. The perfect girl. The girl who was always a step ahead; and I can’t blame you.

And no matter how much I thought you like me in our moments, she was, inevitably, always a step ahead.

#hurt #no comfort #angst #teen #pain #delusion #the other woman #sadness #love #pov #konansfavoritewife #tumblr

0 notes

ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is · 3 years

Note

could you please help type me? im 22 and most everything i will mention will be recent. i am a slow learner where i need the entirety of information for anything to make sense at all. ie i didn't understand fe-fi for a year before i saw one single sentence on your blog and i heard a clicking sound in my head. before that i was on point 0 no matter what. problem is the opposite is also correct where i am convinced i know something but i read one sentence and go 'i didn't know anything at all apparently' when i read that one sentence on your blog i started studying everything from scratch.(1)

it actually gave me a weird anxiety where i genuinly shut off for a while and couldn't concentrate on anything but trying to understand the functions. the more i couldn't understand it, the more i ignored everything else. i pretty much stopped sleeping at some point. but when i decide on something somehow everything feels related to that and i'm like 'ah finally i will know some peace'. this is a very bad explanation but yeah. certain things i think genuinly feel like an attempt of me finding 'relevant things' so i can convince myself, which is why i came to you for help because at this point i have no idea, and the confusion is angering me.(2)

one of my worst qualities is scolding people, specifically for how they behave. i do this a lot where i think you have to behave a certain way in certain situations, you must. i'm trying to work on myself but i genuinly feel like certain things are just inappropriate to the point where i Must interfere, which is something everyone around me hates. i have a tendency to believe that I just know how it must be, so i explain to people how they must be acting. 'you do this which makes people feel like this, which will result in this'is a constant in my life. i also feel second hand embarassment from pretty much anything.(3)

i think my sensing function is last because it genuinly feels like i cannot see. feels kind of dissociative sometimes, like i'm not there. i am completely seperate from the outside world and to some extent, from myself. moreso environment tho. although i cannot always understand that i actually have a body. that has needs. i don't ever realize i'm cold, for example, until someone tells me my hands are freezing. even then its more a fact then me actually realizing im cold. people also ask me if i'm ok a lot because i just straigh up look like i'm not there at all. (4)

i'm completely lost on the n function, i thought i had ne because i explain things as other things a lot, so that to me was ne. i just cannot explain something without giving an example of something else that is completely irrelevant, which sounds like absolute gibberish apparently. like, feathers? protection. enneagram 3? rafiki and simba, for some fucking reason. and i honest to god wouldn't have understood ennea 3 if it wasn't for 'rafiki holding simba up is 3s inferiority complex. the zebras bowing is the superiority complex. they will do anything to avoid simba, the inferiority feelings, so they bow down, as in whatever simba says goes just so they can live. the shadow simba cannot go is their denied shame.' otherwise i cannot understand it.(5)

more things: i am a massive hoarder of things i don't want. books are the number one things tho i hoard pretty much anything. i love reading but most i read is things i dont care about. i have over 800 books and most is things i buy because i see sth and my immidiate reaction is 'some random stranger on the street will question me on this 4 years later' so i buy books. i think, 'if i do not know this, i will straight up die.' i do not interact with people unless i know for sure i can like, talk about Anything that has ever existed, ever.(6)

im prone to many identity crisises and i overthink. i also am constantly swayed from actual interests i have. i make long lists of what to read or where to go and 0 percent of it is based on what i want. it's just me thinking i don't know much history so i should visit every museum and i don't know science so i should read every book etc. i decided to learn guitar and i have barely touched it because i'm learning music theory first aswell as the entire history of rock music and i have to memorize every chord before i am allowed to touch the guitar itself. same thing happened with drawing. with violin. even when im dressing i'm like 'what if someone asks me if i know enough about this band and i dont so then i have to move countries???' so i do not wear it. i get actual stomachaces lol. (7)

i am not competitive but also feel embarassed a lot. i won't put myself forth and usually want to not be seen but i also get offended if someone is better then me, specifically in a field of my knowledge. if i meet someone who has similar interests/knowledge as me i ignore them or the topic for fear that they might know more then me. i hate change unless it is controlled. like sudden news or travel plans are a nightmare and they cause a lot of anxiety but i also am okay with changing things up if i am in complete control of how it will go. that seems to be it. thanks. (8)

--------------------------

Hi anon,

So this isn’t limited to you but whenever people are like “my anxiety over typing myself has genuinely impacted my quality of life” it is something that makes me want to stop typing that person. It feels like I’m enabling a habit that is explicitly not good for them, and it shows up to an extent that is frankly alarming and I really, really hope it is exaggeration and that me saying this will shut it the fuck down in questions that I get. Based on some of the other things you’ve said, if you have not gotten assessed for anxiety you probably should have someone check that out (and if you have, I would spend time working on it and take a break from typology in the meantime), and that makes it pretty much impossible for me to type your enneagram, but I can still do MBTI although the anxiety makes it difficult to determine extroversion and introversion.

With that out of the way, probably one of the xNFJs:

Scolding people is often high Fe behavior, and especially in the way you describe it (as based in how other people will feel about the behavior). It’s difficult to assess beyond that without explanations; scolding people over something like racism is hopefully something a decent person of any type can get behind, whereas scolding people over many other things is just Fe. Based on what you said about needing to be control over changes and this idea of needing total understanding of anything before engaging with it also really does not sound in line with perceiving, which often thrives when jumping in without total preparation.

Either of the intuition functions would see things as other things and tend to engage via metaphor and theme, and the other things you mention as evidence of low sensing seem appropriate for high Ni as well.

#mbti #infj #enfj #Anonymous

9 notes · View notes