hands on the wall foaming at the mouth screaming and crying about how Surf's Up (2007) is the greatest movie ever . to think, i loved it as a kid, BUT WATCHING IT AT 19 YEARS OF AGE???? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE MOVIE IS SO GOOD i know JOY

Oh, 2019, What A Year You Were.

It is now a bit before 6pm on January 01, 2020. I just finished unpacking after coming home from my short holiday escape to Berlin for New Year’s with my best friend and frequent travel buddy. My feet are tired, my back hurts, and I’m sitting in bed now, thinking back on this last year and, it’s kind of hard for me to decide if it was a good year or less so.

My 2019 was not as eventful as my 2018. There was no large adventure to speak of like going to New York City for six months, or having to adjust back to life in Switzerland after that. 2019 was just…..uni. The same old trudge of going to class and thinking about texts that should be read (but wouldn’t be), the same old treading water without direction, stuck in one place, unsure what comes next. Or, at least, that’s what it feels like looking back on it.

When I did this looking back the last time, 2018 was not quite over yet. It was still December, I had a few more days of uni to go, all the Christmases and other celebrations still before me. At that point, I had no idea that I would meet a couple of people at the Christmas Party of our English Department and that these people would be largely responsible for tipping the scale of 2019 into ‘good’.

But I did. I did meet these lovely people I get to call something akin to family today. It’s only been a year, and I can’t quite believe it. Found family has always been my favourite trope in storytelling, and this little group of weirdos is exactly that. And to quote my favourite little alien creature, this is my family. I found it, all on my own. It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

These people are not perfect, they’re not flawless, they’re not angels. But they have more humanity between them than I’ve seen in a long fucking while. We’re all broken people, none of us is any better than the next, but we have heart. And I love them all so fucking much. They have all coloured in parts of my year in their own colours and I could not be happier about it. They’re a bunch of fucking weirdo nerds, but they’re my bunch of fucking weirdo nerds.

* * *

This year was, while largely uneventful, also very special in its own way. You know, after talking to my doc to get a date for a transgender consultation, my plan was basically to wait until I got it all lined up nicely, got my first shot of testosterone and then be like "hello world, this is happening, and if you have anything against it, whoops, too late.” Well, it didn’t quite work out like that. If you’ve been keeping up with this blog or my life in general, you know that my anxious ass decided to have a nervous break in the middle of January and come out to literally everyone then and there. And you know what? It’s good.

I’m not where I want to be, not at all. After January, I had expectations for 2019, I had hopes and dreams, wishes and plans. Unfortunately, that lead to a series of events that is tipping the scale of this year into ‘bad’. I wrote about this extensively before, but the process of starting testosterone is a long and tedious one and I am still not where I want to be, even after this entire year, but I currently see a shiny dot on the horizon that looks very promising in that department, and if everything goes as it should, it won’t be long now until I can start with the hormone treatment.

2019 started me down a road of self-discovery that is more open and public than it was before, and I am glad for it. But I don’t want to linger on that part of my year for too long. Let us look back for a while, relive some moments here and there.

On the train home from the airport today, I thought about what I did exactly one year ago. After everyone who had been at my place for New Year’s had left around lunch time on January 01, 2019, I had sat down in front of my TV and started a very movie and tv show heavy year. Over the course of this entire year, I noted down every movie and tv show episode, every short film and comedy special, everything that I watched. It…..added up quite a bit, to be completely honest. Let’s see….

For reference, I had holidays during January and half of February, as well as June all through August and half of September, and then again from the 21st of December onward. My marathon didn’t quite subside during university, but at least I didn’t binge quite so much.

In total, I watched 178 movies, 10 short films, and 685 episodes of 34 tv shows. That is 300h12 in movies, 1h38 in short films, and roughly 519h47 in tv show episodes. (Yes, I did just spend way too much time looking up all the run times…) That is a rough total of 821h37 for this year. That’s like….a bit over a month of time spent watching stuff. 1/12 of my year spent in front of a screen. Not entirely sure how I feel about this number.

I know that for some this might sound a bit excessive, but to be honest? There is so much more I want to watch and if I could do completely as I please, these numbers would look a lot different.

Here is, with the exact intention of being a big mess of a block, all the movies I watched in 2019. I highlighted a few that stood out to me especially. Not just because I liked them very much, or because they were particularly excellent, just because….they made me feel something different, I guess. The oldest movie I watched was Grease (1978) and the newest would be the comedy special John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch from this year. I started my year with Night at the Museum (2006) and ended it with season five of Leverage.

Grease (1978), My Neighbour Totoro (1988), Die Hard (1988), Batman (1989), Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990), Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995), Othello (1995), Mission Impossible (1996), Mary Reilly (1996), Wilde (1997), Animated Epics: Beowulf (1998), Mission Impossible II (2000), Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Ocean’s Eleven (2001), Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Heartlands (2002), xXx (2002), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), Underworld (2003), Bright Young Things (2003), Timeline (2003), The Deal (2003), Ocean’s Twelve (2004), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Laws of Attraction (2004), Dirty Filthy Love (2004), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005), The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse (2005), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Mission Impossible III (2006), Inside Man (2006), Night at the Museum (2006), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Queen (2006), Die Hard 4.0: Live Free or Die Hard (2007), Music Within (2007), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Ocean’s Thirteen (2007), Zodiac (2007), Iron Man (2008), Twilight (2008), Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Twilight: New Moon (2009), The Damned United (2009), Fast & Furious (2009), Sherlock Holmes (2009), The Holiday (2009), Angels & Demons (2009), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Inception (2010), The Bounty Hunter (2010), Twilight: Eclipse (2010), Alice in Wonderland (2010), Tron: Legacy (2010), Megamind (2010), Valentine’s Day (2010), The Expendables (2010), Red (2010), Eat Pray Love (2010), Iron Man 2 (2010), Beautiful Boy (2010), Fast Five (2011), Fright Night (2011, twice), Resistance (2011), Few Options, All Bad (2011), Jesus Henry Christ (2011), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011), Mission Impossible IV: Ghost Protocol (2011), Pitch Perfect (2012), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012), White House Down (2013), Admission (2013), I Give It A Year (2013), Escape Plan (2013), The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box (2013), Furious 6 (2013), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Red 2 (2013), Begin Again (2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (2014), Kill the Messenger (2014), The Monuments Men (2014), Midnight in Paris (2014), Paddington (2014), The Imitation Game (2014), Maleficent (2014), Chelsea Peretti: One Of The Greats (2014), John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (2015, twice), Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (2015), Far From the Madding Crowd (2015), 7 Days in Hell (2015), Furious Seven (2015), Assassin’s Creed (2016), Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016), Patton Oswalt: Talking for Clapping (2016), Ali Wong: Baby Cobra (2016), Nocturnal Animals (2016), She Loves Me (2016), Passengers (2016), Norman: The Moderate Rise and Tragic Fall of a New York Fixer (2016), xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017), Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special (2017), Brad’s Status (2017), Home Again (2017), Murder On The Orient Express (2017), Christmas Inheritance (2017), Paddington 2 (2017), You, Me & Him (2017), Beauty and the Beast (2017), Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark (2017), Dave Chappelle: The Age of Spin (2017), Dave Chappelle: Deep in the Heart of Texas (2017), Patton Oswalt: Annihilation (2017), Jack Whitehall: At Large (2017), Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017), Katherine Ryan: In Trouble (2017), Mission Impossible: Fallout (2018), Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018), The Fate of the Furious (2018), Love, Simon (2018), Ocean’s 8 (2018, twice), Bad Samaritan (2018), John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous (2018, twice), Hannah Gadsby: Nanette (2018), Daniel Sloss: Dark (2018), Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw (2018), Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia (2018), Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife (2018), James Acaster: Recognise (2018), James Acaster: Represent (2018), James Acaster: Reset (2018), James Acaster: Recap (2018), Apostle (2018), The Holiday Calendar (2018), The Princess Switch (2018), The Christmas Chronicles (2018), Captain Marvel (2019, twice), Shazam! (2019, twice), Avengers: Endgame (2019, twice), Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019), The Hustle (2019), Rocketman (2019), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Men in Black: International (2019), Tolkien (2019), Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019), Isn’t It Romantic (2019), Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019), Jenny Slate: Stage Fright (2019), Wanda Sykes: Not Normal (2019), Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (2019), Simon Amstell: Set Free (2019), Adam Devine: Best Time of Our Lives (2019), Let It Snow (2019), Last Christmas (2019), Klaus (2019), Always Be My Maybe (2019), The Knight Before Christmas (2019), The Good Liar (2019), Hustlers (2019), Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker (2019), Murder Mystery (2019), John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch (2019)

TV shows are going to make up a block a bit less intimidating, but here goes. Again, highlighted what stood out to me especially.

The Gifted, Friends, NCIS, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Money Heist, Riverdale, The Punisher, Broadchurch, Elite, Doctor Who, Dramarama, Agents of SHIELD, Pokémon Indio League, Good Omens, The Chef Show, Jessica Jones, Halt and Catch Fire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, The Good Fight, Sean’s Show, Gallowglass, Animals., The Spoils of Babylon, Pobol Y Cwm, Masters of Sex, Prodigal Son, Criminal UK, The Politician, Leverage, His Dark Materials, Zona Rosa, Derry Girls

Some old favourites in there. Some new ones too. I won’t list the shorts because I don’t particularly care for them. I watched them solely for binging-through-someone’s-filmography reasons.

So yeah, as you can see, a very strong year when it comes to the visual medium. I just really love movies and tv shows so much. I love this kind of storytelling, this particular form of it. There’s so much artistry there, so many talented people. I still very much would love to work in the movie world at some point. Inspires me greatly. Always has.

* * *

2019 was not just a year of sitting glued to a TV screen, not at all. I’ve been some places too, got to do and experience some cool stuff.

In April I was able to take a few days off and go to Lugano with my dear friend and relax for a little while. We also met up with one of the lovely people I’ve met through twitter, which was great fun and we’ve spent a fantastic day together (eating food I still catch myself thinking about at least twice a week).

In June I went to Pride in Zurich with my friends, which was also a wonderful experience all together.

In July I was able to go to Cologne for half a week for CCXP, where I got to see some great panels and meet some great people. And, most importantly and also the reason why I went, I got to meet Zachary Levi again, take a picture together, have a wonderful conversation while he signed something for me, and experience an incredibly inspiring panel where I got to ask him a question that he took the time and patience to extensively answer. I treasure these moments, just as I treasure all our previous meetings and the friends and experiences that have come with it. Seeing him again after two years was definitely the highlight of the year, and it’s a strong weight of the good part in the scale that is 2019. He’s always a highlight, the dude. I can’t wait until I get to see that face again.

Also in July, I joined a few friends for a weekend at a medieval festival in Germany, which was also a very interesting and good experience.

And now at the end of the year, I spent a few days in Berlin, visiting museums and bookshops and generally touristing about with my dearest friend, celebrated New Year’s with her in the only way we know how: with good wine, food, warmth, and a tv show we both love and hold dear.

I also shouldn’t forget the two parties I attended of our university’s English Department, and the Halloween party a friend organised, and the birthdays I attended over the year, as well as the Christmas I spent with my friends at my place.

All these things, all these little bits add up and add up and ultimately I want to think that 2019 was a good year. I am so glad this year is over, but looking back I find so many good things that have happened, so many wonderful experiences, and I wonder, why? Why am I so happy it is over? Why am I so desperate to move forward, to turn the page, to start a new chapter, a new book?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

* * *

For this new year, for 2020, I have a few wishes. I’m not really one to make resolutions, because I know exactly I won’t hold myself to it, but I have some things I’d like to do, like to try.

2019 was my year of movies and shows. I won’t stop watching things, I’ll never stop watching things. But for this year, I want to put my focus elsewhere. This year, I’d like to try and read all the books that have amassed themselves in my possession, that I haven’t actually read yet. It’s doable, I don’t own enormous amounts of books yet. I want to try that. I want to try to read more, to find that passion and attention span again that I had as a kid. I might try to blog a bit about it, just so I have something to hold me accountable. We’ll see. But I just really want to read more. Carry a book everywhere I go.

I know that 2020 is bringing me another step closer to becoming my truest self. I have my next appointment with the hormone specialist early in February, and if I am not entirely mistaken (or something is drastically changed) I will be able to start taking hormones then and there. Starting testosterone is going to be exciting and interesting, and I am very much looking forward to it. What I want for myself this year, is to take it easy. Be kind to myself in this journey. Let myself be gentle. I always have so many expectations for myself, and I really just want to try and…let myself be, let myself just live and experience things as they come. No expectations.

This first half year of 2020 is also the time I will be writing my Bachelor thesis and, hopefully, by summer I’ll have my degree. It’ll be a tough but I hope also rewarding time for me. Having to shift the way I write papers (quick, barely researched and sourced, not even remotely re-read, always started mere hours before the deadline) to something more useful for a thesis, something fitting for a thesis, is going to be challenging. Keeping my head in the right space, keeping the focus and doing the work, it’s all going to be hard for me. But I have faith that I will find a way to reign in my scatterbrain and flick the hyper-focus switch into something that will be sustainable for the time I have to write my thesis in.

Speaking of my thesis, there is something I have not mentioned yet, that strongly informed my experience of 2019. Good Omens is the book I’ll be writing my thesis about (specifically a queer theological reading of it) and Good Omens was the story that has shaped my year. I re-read the book at the beginning of term and once the mini-series came out at the end of May, I did not really think about anything else since. This book and this show are so incredibly important to me, and it is, after a long while of nothing even remotely getting there, the first thing that has captured my attention so strongly, that it has outlasted my one-month hyper-focus ability and shows no signs of stopping any time soon. And that I am so incredibly grateful for. I wasn’t sure if I could still do it. Have an interest, have passion for something, for longer than a month. So many things I tried and loved and done, and after a single month, I dropped them like a hot potato and never touched them again. But Good Omens came and took me by my hand and lead me into the promised land. Especially since the show came out, I feel like a changed person. I have talked about it to no end, and I could go on forever now too, but I’ll just say this for now: This story of an angel and a demon crossing the divide that is their differences, coming together in love for the world, for humanity, and each other, this story means everything to me, and it has given me so much. Nothing is ever going to change that. That is irrevocable. And I know that 2020 won’t change that fact. I have faith that this passion will continue on and will inspire more positive change in me. It’s already started bringing me back to writing and drawing, so I know that it will lead me somewhere.

There is so much more I could say here, now, about 2019, about 2020. About my plans and my wishes, my dreams and the things I ought to do. But I think, I’ll leave it at that, for now. I tried this monthly blogging last year for the first time, and I think I’ll try to continue doing it. So, you can expect to read more of my thoughts on all kinds of things.

For now, however, let me say this: 2020 can be anything you want it to be. 2020 is yours to shape, yours to create in, yours to manage, yours to use. I want my 2020 to be gentle, to be taken one step at a time, to be experienced to the fullest, to be lived and felt and actively experienced. Sure, bad things can happen, bad things can always happen. But it’s your decision what happens next.

In 2020, I want to start loving more unapologetically. Do good, recklessly. Be kind, always. Not just to others, but to myself.

…

I have faith in us, you know? Humans. There’s so much hope there, still. 2020 might just as well show it.

…

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it’ll be a good one for you.

Colors Ask

Original list can be found here! Though some of these were doctored up a wee bit just so I could make better sense of them.

[RED] What are you most passionate about? How did this passion develope?

My passion has been creating these ideas and worlds and AUs or even just overarching plots to stories I'll probably never write. It started with my voracious habit to read - something I probably do WAY too much of if I'm too be honest. As I read I would theorize and extrapolate from what the story told so far and I guess it became a habit. Now I look at fandoms I like or pairings and suddenly and writing down notes, sketching designs, and looking up references for this whole new Alternate Universe just because I can. I love it!

[ORANGE] How many pieces of fruit do you aim to eat per day? What do you actually manage?

Uh, I don't eat often bub. A meal at McDonalds is enough to fill me up for an entire 24-hour period. I eat fruit when my body craves it which tends to be about once a week to every other week.

[YELLOW] What's your happy place? Real or fictional?

Okay. That 'happy place' idea is utter bullshit. When I get an anxiety/panick attack, I don't go to a tranquil place in my mind and start to feel better. That doesn't help because guess what, an idle mind is the perfect playground for personal demons. Happy Places probably exist but they don't do jackshit once you're already in one and besides, I couldn't never keep my thoughts straight enough in the middle of an attack to make a decision.

[GREEN] Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? What's your favorite flower to smell?

Indoors during winter and late autumn, outdoors the rest of the year. I like to just lay in the grass when the sun is high on a clear, breezy day and bask in the light like a cat. As for flower... hell if I know. A flower is a flower to my brain.

[BLUE] What is your favorite mode of long distance transportation? Have you ever been on a plane? If so, what was it like?

Uh, car. I've only been a plane plane twice (nearly passed right out walling to my seat the first time I was so terrified) but both were utterly boring. The book I brought with I finished before half the trip was over. Though it was fun seeing the clouds, I think they would get boring after so many trips. And besides, in a car trip on my own, I can play whatever music I want however loud I please.

[INDIGO] What's your top three names? Would you ever consider having children?

I actually have a list in Google Drive because my boyfriend and I had started talking about the possibility of having kids sometime in the next five to ten years. Looking at it, it's hard to choose but it follows a pattern of a Latin, Greek, or Irish word that had meaning.

Daughter: it would be Eirini (Greek: Peace), Elpida (Greek: Hope), and Nadur (Irish: Nature).

Son: Anam (Latin: Soul), Rioga (Irish: Royal), and Nostrum (Latin: Ours).

[VIOLET] What's your favorite cake flavour? Are you any good at baking?

Chocolate hands down. If it's chocolate you got me. And yes, I am very good at baking. My two favorite recipes are Red Velvet cake with Cream Cheese frosting and Flour-less Chocolate Torte. Both arevcompletely from scratch mind you, frosting and all. So god damned delicious.

[PURPLE] Do you support the Royal Family? Who is your favorite historical figure and why?

Royal Family? Well, I don't know anything about them instead of Royal Family how about President? And no, I do not support a large portion of Trump's decisions mainly to do with his methods and the nuances of those decisions.

Also, I don't really have a favorite hostiorical figure? Or even one I like? To me they're like one big tapestry that details the human race, one which is still continually being added to. They are a part of the whole. Which to put in layman's terms means I like history overall more than any singular person involved.

[PINK] What is your favorite animal? Zoos or farms?

CATS!!! I love house cats, big cats, wild cats, domesticated cats, exotic cats, local cats, cats, cats, cats! But not the musical, lol. But I'd rather see cats in their natural habits. Hells, I'd rather see all animals in their natural habits when considering non-domesticaed animal breeds. I don't like either of them if the purpose is to just visit the animals in them.

[TURQUOISE] Do you like being in the sea? What coastal town is your favorite to visit?

Hm. I was born and raised in the land of ten thousand lakes and have only ever been to the coast twice, the Gulf of Mexico and the Southern Californian coast in specific. I was able to wade into the ocean when I went to the Gulf but I don't think that would be a good choice to base my decision on as I was stung my floating remnants of jellyfish and then didn't risk going in again after that. To make things easier, let's go with large bodies of water in general, to which the answer is a wholesome yes. I love to swim and float in the water.

[MINT] Do you like astrology? Do you consider Pluto a 'real planet'?

Ah. This question. I do occasionally practice witchcraft when I have a good purpose to do so - such as making a charm for a friend, cleansing my home, and other such things. Astrology is part of what I do so yes, I like it in the sense that it helps me work or stronger correspondences. As for Pluto....bot really. Pluto is a dwarf planet by scientific standards. In my practice, there isn't much to tie it to outside of a person's sign related to it. It's hard to work with it because of this as all the other planets (substituting earth with the moon here) have ample correspondences.

[CRIMSON] Have you ever broken and bone before? Do you enjoy going to the dentist?

Hell no to both questions. Next!

[AMBER] Do you have a license to drive? If now, how do you get around?

Yes I do! I have a 2007 Volkswagen Jetta Wolfsberg edition. My first car, used it be my dad. I've had it for just about two years now and I keep her in tip top shape as much as a possibly can! Just wish I had a proper garage so I could do my own small repairs and work on her.

[LIME] Do you like monkeys? Do you believe the theory of evolution?

No, I don't really care for monkeys. And from a scientific standpoint, yes I do.

[TANGERINE] How tall are you? Do you ever wish you were taller or shorter?

I am literally just a hair below 5'11" and for a woman my age where I live, that is really tall. I match height with most men I've met. But I do sometimes wish I was shorter just because my height and stature paired with my resting bitch face tend to intimidate or slightly scare people when they first meet me. I often have to explain that, "No, I'm not angry, this is just my normal look when I'm not really feeling any specific emotion. You're fine, I swear. I just look like this." And I'm a gentle giant. Think BFG if you know it. I'm the one who will jump in to protect and be a meat shield for someone else but am unable to raise a hand for my own safety. People being scared of me just makes me feel really damn sad and depressed.

[AZURE] Which gender and sexuality do you most identify with?

Uuuuuuh. Hm. Well- that is kinda a hard question? For gender I think the closest I can relate to is genderfliud. I don't have any body dysphoria but I do know there are times I feel way more masculine than feminine. The reverse is just as equally true. And then there are times where I don't feel like I have a specific gender. Sexuality can make this kind of hard to pin down for me. Put it this way. I am panromantic but I find males sexually arousing much more than I do females. And for those curious (unlikely anyone) I'll go by any pronoun. He, she, it, they/them, I really don't give a fuck.

[BEIGE] What is your favorite pop/soda? Do you enjoy alcohol?

P E P S I. Coke is an abomination, something which my boyfriend heavily disagrees with the heathen... I don't....really like to drink often. Alcoholism kind of runs in the family and due to that, I'm more likely to form a codependency on it as well. My family on my Dad's side is heavily German if that helps make more sense. But I do enjoy sweet wines the very few times I allow myself a glass, no more than two.

[CORAL] What is your favorite Disney movie? Who does it better, Disney or Pixar?

You- you can't just ASK me this!! I grew up on Disney! To pick a favorite would be blasphemous of me!!! Also, if that didn't make it clear, Pixar can suck my sack. Disney for the win.

[SAPPHIRE] Do you wear any jewelry? What do you think looks best on other people?

I wear a silver ring on me right middle finger everyday 24/7 and only take it off during my job or when I'm going into any amount of water. I used to wear earrings as well but I lost my silver pair and I can only wear gold or silver. Yes, I have tried to nail polish trick and hypoallergenic. No, I couldn't get either to work with me. My ears would still puss around the non-pure metal earrings. Now I only wear any of my other earrings when I'm doing something special and never for more than a few hours or so.

[GOLD] What do you consider your biggest achievement? When was the last time you won (at) something?

Ah, achievements, things that

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162144044077

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/