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naturalnein · 4 years

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I think she knows

“Beau.” A laugh burbles from Jester’s throat. “Beauuuu. I know you’re trying to tell me you had a crush on me. I’m trying to tell you I had a crush on you, too.”

...

or: Beau and Jester’s waltz becomes a confessional

alternatively, read on ao3 and leave a comment

There is a bleak night before her, and then there is Jester. This is how most things start.

Caleb had left her on the dance floor with a sense of finality and bemusement, the way he always seemed to make every conversation as though it was their last. And as always, it sends her on a spiral. Already prone to overthinking, Beau accepts that this is how she’ll end her evening and slips into the shadows of the room. She allows herself to remember the Nein’s early days, ruminate on how they’ve all changed, how she’s changed, her feelings about these friendships she’s formed, her feelings about Caleb, about--

Jester stumbles into her arms. It’s no accident, by the gleam in Caleb’s eye, and she can read his expression like a book: You talked to me, now talk to her. She wishes she had a free hand to flip him off, then doesn’t when Jester intertwines their fingers and giggles.

“Look at this, Beau.”

A small unicorn dangles from her palm--their palms, pressed together. Beau knows immediately where it came from, and can’t help the infectious smile that comes to her face. She grins and nods like a fool, following Jester’s lead. No words have to be spoken between them to know this is a win.

A pair of dancers bump into them and after a slurred little oops leaves Jester’s mouth, she untangles their fingers and puts the figurine safely in her dress pocket. Her hand attracts back to Beau’s and there is stepping on a couple of toes, then they fall into step. Jester’s knowledge of the dance makes up for Beau’s lack thereof, and it seems for a moment like they blend into the quiet rhythm, like Beau can forget the weight she’s carrying.

Then: Jester leans in conspirationally. “Did you hear what Yasha--”

“You know I really, really liked you,” Beau spits, words colliding into each other as they leave her mouth. She’s sure, at this nonexistent distance, that Jester must feel her pulse racing. Caleb is in her head, laughing, calling her tactless and tenacious.

The look of surprise that crosses Jester’s face almost scares Beau off the conversation entirely. She can play it off, pretend she never said anything, they can even talk about Yasha if she wants. But then Jester recovers and her face flushes and she smiles, teeth catching her lower lip. “I liked you too, Beau.”

Beau’s heart goes heavy. It was even worse this way. She thought, surely the way she said it, hurried with embarrassment, that Jester would understand that she hadn’t really meant like, she’d meant in love. She’d meant that she’d spent every night lying awake thinking about those shiny fangs that only appeared in her genuine smiles, the violet freckles across her nose and the diamond dust that glittered on her chest, the playful tail that was tickling the back of Beau’s calf. She’d meant that for months, loving Jester, even in private, had made her heart swell larger than she thought she could bear. Beau loved her so much she thought she’d die from it. There was no way to explain that, but she’d hoped “really, really liked” could have done the job somehow.

This is what Caleb knew, because Veth had surely told him, and this is what she had to explain to him was over. As all-encompassing as it had been, she wasn’t in love with Jester anymore. But he had the miraculous ability to pinpoint other people’s hauntings, and Jester was Beau’s. So he’d done the most Caleb thing he possibly could, and took the matter into his own hands. He’d pushed Jester towards her on a night of vulnerability, Beau had taken the bait, and now she had to deal with the mess she’d created.

“Jes that’s—that’s not really what I meant by like. I don’t mean to fuckin’... make this weird or anything— between us, I mean—but I’m trying to tell you I had like a thing for you, y’know? A romantic thing? I don’t mean to get all TMI or whatever—“

“Beau.” A laugh burbles from Jester’s throat. “Beauuuu. I know you’re trying to tell me you had a crush on me. I’m trying to tell you I had a crush on you, too.”

Beau stumbles, sending the waltz out of rhythm. She and Jester bump into another couple who glare, half affected, and take a few steps away. After a moment of surprise, Jester seamlessly reorients them to the beat and takes the lead. Focusing on the steps helps Beau clear her head, despite the fact she feels like someone set off a firework in her blood, exploding to her synapses. This she had not prepared for.

After half a minute of silence and box steps and composure, Beau fixes her gaze on Jester. “Are you—are you serious? Because y’know you don’t have to just say that because I did, I get that you and—” it feels wrong, somehow, to say his name, in a moment that feels so private and theirs “—you know have your own thing going. I’m not here to wreck that.”

“No, Beau. I liked you.” They spin, and Jester loses some of her composure. “I thought that maybe you were just my best friend, y’know? I loved you so much because that’s just what best friends were like but then…”

Jester furrows her brows, and on impulse Beau tightens her grip: half in reassurance, half to stop herself from smoothing out the wrinkle that forms there with her thumb. “What is it?”

“You were going to sacrifice yourself. To the hag. And the thought of having to say goodbye to you, it hurt. It hurt so much and I was so scared of seeing you go I had to come up with another plan to save you.”

“You were a hero.”

“Because that’s what people who love each other do. They save each other.” Jester’s voice wavers, eyes unfocussed over Beau’s shoulder. She sounds almost melancholy. “Just like in the stories.”

Beau tries to follow her gaze, but everyone in the room is spinning and she can’t track who could possibly be the target of her dismay. Maybe no one at all. It’s so rare to watch the Jester she knows slip away into hopelessness. She takes a shot in the dark: “Not everything is a story, though, is it?”

“No,” Jester mumbles, embarrassed by her own emotions. Beau wants to hug her and tell her it’s okay, but can’t figure out how to do so without breaking the rhythm of the dance and making a scene. “It’s not.”

They go in circles for another few moments, in a silence edging on the beat of uncomfortable. What remains unsaid hangs heavy between them, and just when the music shifts and Beau thinks Jester is going to slip right between her fingers to another, better partner, the tiefling speaks.

“How did you know you liked me?”

Beau breathes a sigh of relief and smiles. This is something she can define. “I think that I always did? As soon as I met you, it was like watching someone stumble out of a fairytale. Twice as pretty as you were naive, a pastry diet and a quest for your father? You were unreal, Jes. Like a fucking princess. But then I realized you’re more than that. You’re… you’re funny, you make me laugh, your plans are fucking ridiculous, but you’re clever, like with the hag. You’re complicated. More than just childish. You’re… god, you were everything.”

Jester’s eyes glass over with tears, and for a moment Beau can’t tell if that means she’s done well or fucked this whole thing up, but then Jester whispers “That’s really, really sweet, Beau. Thank you.”

“Well you don’t have to fucking—you don’t have to thank me, Jes, it’s just how I felt, and it’s all true.”

“I knoooow, but you’ve always believed in me. Even when we first met other followers of the Traveler. Do you remember that? You said you’d follow me, that you went where I did. Even though you knew I was going to get us in trouble.”

“Well it seemed like fun at the time,” Beau interjects, but Jester rushes ahead.

“And you just kept following me. You never stopped. That’s how I knew, Beau. That I had a crush on you. Because I thought about that day all the time.” Their feet pick up with the swell of the music. People are switching partners, but Jester’s grip is tight and Beau wouldn’t trade this moment for a single goddamn thing.

“The Traveler told me to tell you so many times. He saw every sketch I ever did, Beau, and there were so many. I loved when you posed for me but I loved the ones I did when you weren’t looking even more, that sad look you’d get when you weren’t pretending for anyone, not even me. Is that creepy? I’m not a creep, Beau, I just liked you a lot. I had crushes before but this felt so different because you were you, so cool and powerful and--and a girl. It was scary and it made me mad, like when you went off with Reani, but it made me feel like in the books, y’know? It made me happy.”

Beau doesn’t know how to process any of this, that someone could love her in such a capacity. That the love she carries with her can be reciprocated, even if it comes a little too late. She has spent a quarter of her life in libraries and doesn’t have the vocabulary to express it. But Jester knows. She knows, so Beau defers to her defenses. She laughs and says: “You were jealous of Reani?”

“Well she was basically a badass angel so yeah maybe I was but I would never tell her that she’s so nice and sweet, y’know?”

“Jester, Reani is basically you, but with a questionable willingness to kill lawbreakers.”

“Oh.”

A huff of a laugh. “Yeah. I spent a long time chasing people who were at least a little like you… That’s kinda embarrassing to say.”

Jester’s lips twist in a smile, and her fangs show, just a little. “I think it’s romantic, Beau. You were in loooove with me.”

“Heh, yeah. Yeah I was.” She says it so easily, as though she hadn’t carried around the weight of those words like a barbell balanced between her aorta for half a year, maybe longer. Beau had lived in fear that if Jester knew, if she knew, that they could never be this close again. Fear that Jester would become distant and Beau would lose more than a lover, she’d lose her best friend.

But now she says it, Jester gripped in her calloused hands, waltzing in a bar, and doesn’t feel fear at all, only release.

“Beau?”

“Yeah?”

Jester’s face flushes, deep violet and sheepish. “Can I kiss you?”

Beau feels her heart stutter. She doesn’t even pause to see if any of their friends are looking. “Uh, yes. Yes.”

Jester’s mouth is on hers before Beau can even pull their dance to a stop. She tastes like the stale beer she’d downed at the bar beforehand: soft lips and sour twinges of barley. It was sloppy, fangs biting into Beau’s mouth, horns knocking against her forehead, but so warm and longing it made Beau ache--ache for the girls they’d been before Rumblecusp, the girls who’d been so quietly in love with each other it was damn near invisible, who’d never known real devotion or real friendship, who’d dreamt of this moment in shades of impossible and somehow managed to pass each other, like ships in the night.

As Beau and Jester pull away, strangers continue to dance around them. The night carries on breathing, gentle winds rushing through open windows and picking up their hair. The world still spins. Time had never stopped for them before, and it didn’t now, even at their most vulnerable.

“You don’t still have a crush on me, do you?” Jester whispers. Her lips are swelling, slightly.

“No,” Beau says, honest. “I think I need to learn to stop following and start leading, instead. Take charge of my own fate. Does that make sense? It doesn’t change the fact that you are a pretty-fucking-good kisser, Jes, that was amazing.”

Jester grins wide and Beau grabs her, reimmersing them into the crowd of dancers. “It also doesn’t change that I love you. You’re still my best friend, you know. Whatever happens, I’ll be right there with you, punching shit. But you don’t still…?”

“No, no. I love you, Beau, but I don’t think I know what a real relationship looks like outside of, y’know, smut. And Artie is going to need so much support; I don’t really know who I am when I’m not his high priestess, or whatever. Woof, there’s so much happening right now.” Jester’s voice cracks and she swallows hard; ghosts her hand over the pocket where the unicorn figurine resides. “Also, I guess not everything is a story, like you said. Not like Tusk Love, at least, though I never thought we were going to, like, have boat sex after I drowned and you revived me or anything crazy like that.”

Beau smirks. “Oh, really?”

“Okay well maybe I thought about it like once or twice but it really was kinda romantic, Beau, and we were on the sea for a really, really long time and I have a very good imagination.”

And Beau can’t help it, she laughs. She thinks, this is why I fell in love with her. She thinks, this is why she’s my best friend.

“You know, we could pretend. Just for a little while. That this is a story after all,” Beau says.

Jester’s jaw goes slack. “You want to have boat sex with me?!” She screeches in a whisper. A few heads turn in their direction.

“No! No--god--I just meant we could dance here a little longer, like these other couples, and show them all up with our fantastic dancing skills.”

“Oh! Oh! That’s such a good idea, Beau. I’ll be like the Sapphire Princess and you can be”—her voice dips an octave—“my mysterious knight in shining armor.”

Beau pulls her close, as close as if she were to kiss her again, and whispers: “How about we’re just us? Just Beau and Jester. Just this once.”

Jester sighs heavily and relaxes into Beau’s arms. The exhaustion Beau has felt since she stepped out onto the dance floor finally shows in her tiefling friend; a few of the baubles hanging from her horns slump forward, making soft tinkling sounds as she leans her head on Beau’s shoulder. “That sounds pretty nice, too.”

Beau doesn’t spend a lot of time in the present. The monastery taught her to always be looking both ways: analyzing the past and assessing the future and taking notes and reporting back her findings. Already, she knows that she’ll have to map their path to Eiselcross, decipher deRogna’s true intentions, make sure that the Soul can track them if things go sour. She’ll leave a message and by morning, the Archivists will know many things about tonight.

But Beau knows the things that she will leave out--like the smell of her best friend’s skin, the taste of her on Beau’s lips, or the warmth of their bodies pressed together in a sea of dancers.

And just because she can, just this once, she places a kiss in Jester’s hair. She imagines for a moment that there is nothing else but this--no mercenaries, no danger, no Nein--nothing but Jester tucked beneath her chin, swaying to the beat of a ballad. A room waiting upstairs and their lives stretched out before them, as wide as the coast.

#beaujester #lavorregard #beauregard lionett #jester lavorre #beau & jester #critical role #critfic #campaign 2 #critical role episode 109 #listen the waltz was the perfect opportunity for a good relationship chat #I want closure even if I have to write it myself #mine #emma does actually write

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mikauzoran · 4 years

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Lukadrienette: To Waltz Among Shades: Chapter Nine

To Waltz Among Shades: Chapter Nine: Comprehending

“Hey,” Luka snapped from where he’d been eavesdropping on the stairs.

Marinette sat back on her heels, looking over the back of the couch in surprise.

Adrien pushed himself up to gaze at Luka in horror.

Luka stalked over, glaring at Marinette. “You had no right to tell him that. That’s the kind of thing a guy prefers to tell a guy personally. You could have just said you had my permission.”

Marinette rolled her eyes. “You’ve had plenty of opportunities to tell him. Like, maybe when you two were snuggling in bed one night?”

Luka’s eyebrow twitched. “That is platonic snuggling as friends, not romantic snuggling. You don’t just say the ‘L’ word while snuggling platonically. That would be taking advantage of him when he’s vulnerable. Trust me. I’ve had a whole year to learn how to compartmentalize my feelings for him.”

“Well, tell him now,” Marinette snorted.

“After that emotional rollercoaster you two just went on?” Luka huffed right back. “He’s already overwhelmed. I’m not going to add one more thing to his plate. But enough about me. You shouldn’t have kissed him like that. You royally mess him up. You can’t just ignore him for a year and then barge back into his life and kiss him like that. I love you, Marinette, but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to let you do whatever you want. I have to think about what’s best for Adrien too, and I don’t think he needs you skipping the friendship line and trying to jump right into something romantic with him…or did you miss everything he said about gradually rebuilding trust between you two? Because I feel like that was super important.”

Marinette looked away, suitably chastised. “I may have gotten carried away.” She turned back to Adrien. “I’m sorry. He’s right. Regardless of my feelings for you, I shouldn’t have rushed things like that. I was trying to prove a point, but I took things too far too fast. Can we just start over as friends with the understanding that I adore you, I’m so sorry that I messed everything up, and I have never, ever hated you, not even when I thought you were the one who put the gum on my chair?”

It took Adrien a literal fifteen seconds before he could get his wits about him enough to respond. “So…no one’s mad at me?” He looked pointedly at Luka.

Luka stepped in with a reassuring smile, smoothing Adrien’s tussled hair. “No one is mad at you, Angel-Face.”

Despite himself, Adrien leaned into the touch. “You’re not just saying that?”

“I’m not just saying that,” Luka confirmed, moving his hand to scratch behind Adrien’s ear. “If you and Marinette want to kiss each other, I’m perfectly fine with that happening. Preferably, I’d like to be present to watch, but that’s not a requirement. Whatever you and Marinette mutually consent to is fine. It’s not cheating on me.”

“Oh,” Adrien whispered, carefully drawing his legs in, trying to put a little bit of distance between himself and Marinette for propriety’s sake without losing contact with Luka’s hand.

“Though, I kind of think—and this is my personal opinion on the matter and not a binding opinion, but—I kind of think you two shouldn’t rush things. Maybe take a month or two or three to get to know each other again as friends before anything romantic happens. Relationships are hard enough as it is. It’s probably not a good idea to complicate things with unresolved baggage. I say this because I care about you two, okay?” He reached out and gave a strand of Marinette’s hair a gentle tug with the hand not petting Adrien.

Marinette smiled sheepishly, taking Luka’s hand in both of hers and turning to nuzzle it. “Thanks for looking out for us, Bluebird.”

“Always, Chanson,” Luka promised.

“So…” Adrien spoke up again. “Sorry. Wait. Can we talk about this? I feel like I’ve fallen into an alternate universe.”

“Talking is good,” Marinette agreed, repositioning herself so that she was sitting up straight with one foot on the floor, the other tucked under her.

“Sure,” Luka consented, giving Adrien’s head one last pat before coming around to the other side of the couch and taking a seat between Adrien and Marinette.

“Hey,” Marinette whined as Luka put an arm along the back of the couch around Adrien.

“What?” Luka snickered. “You’ve been monopolizing him this whole time. I think it’s my turn.”

Marinette snorted. “Says the guy who’s been rubbing it in my face for a year now how cute Adrien is when he sleeps and how precious it is to be able to wake up next to him in the morning.”

Luka had the grace to look sheepish. “To be fair, I was only trying to make you jealous so that you’d talk to him and sort out whatever mysterious misunderstanding there’d been between you two and then be there for him while his life was falling apart…but it turns out that you were right and I didn’t know what I was talking about.”

Marinette paled. “…How long were you listening to us?” she asked as if afraid to know the answer.

Luka winced, averting his gaze. “Long enough to be very confused until I suddenly wasn’t anymore. And then I was just sorry to have learned something you’d obviously been working very hard to keep a secret all these years…but we can talk about that later—or not. Up to you, but I think right now we need to focus on Adrien.”

“R-Right.” Marinette nodded, pushing everything Ladybug- and Guardian-related going through her head to the back corner of her mind.

She looked to Adrien with a neutral smile. “What do we need to talk about?”

Adrien bit his lip, looking from Luka to Marinette. “…I…I’m a little lost.” His gaze landed on Marinette. “You said you loved me?”

“Mmhm,” she agreed, cheeks taking on a carnelian hue.

Adrien frowned. “When did that happen? Every time I’ve ever asked you, you always told Adrien that you admired his work as a model but didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him and Chat that there was another boy…until you started dating Luka, and I thought that that kind of settled things, so…now that you’ve been dating the guy you love for four years…I’m confused. When did you fall in love with me?”

Marinette sucked in a pained breath, her cheeks starting to resemble rust.

Luka snickered, apparently enjoying his girlfriend’s suffering. “Don’t you dare hold out on him. Tell him the whole truth or I will.”

Marinette slapped Luka’s thigh with a rude comment under her breath.

Luka only grinned harder.

Marinette trained her gaze on Adrien. “I fell in love with you when I was thirteen. Not long after we first met, actually. You told me you’d never been to school, never had friends before, so everything was kind of new. It was raining, and you gave me your umbrella, so…” She shrugged, smiling in a way that begged him to have mercy. “That was it.”

Adrien shook his head. “But…you said that was just an embarrassing, ridiculous crush.” The look on his face was one of betrayal. “You said that it was stupid and didn’t mean anything.”

It was Marinette’s turn to frown in confusion. “When did I say that?”

“Remember that party I snuck out for on the Liberty that summer we were sixteen? Well, it was more of a friend gathering, but we were all sitting around in the main cabin,” Adrien recounted, gesturing with his hands, “and Alix accidentally said something about back when you had that ridiculous crush on me, and I was like, ‘…Wait…. What?’, but you said that it was forever ago and that we should all just forget about it because it was stupid and embarrassing and didn’t matter and you were over it anyway.”

Marinette winced, reaching up to rub at the side of her neck. “Oh. Well. I was embarrassed, so I lied. It did matter. Adrien was the guy I always turned down Chat Noir for, so…it wasn’t a stupid, meaningless crush.”

“You okay?” Luka called softly, gently rubbing at Adrien’s arm with his thumb. “You look stricken.”

Adrien shook his head, turning to Luka. “She lied to me. I can’t believe she lied to me.”

Luka gave Adrien a sympathetic smile, squeezing Adrien’s shoulder. “Yeah, I know, P5. That sucks,” he gently consoled, a note in his voice telling Adrien that Luka could relate intimately.

Adrien briefly wondered how upset Luka actually was about finding out his girlfriend was Ladybug. He was doing an exceptional job of hiding it.

“Is it really such a big deal four years later?” Marinette broke into the moment, laughing nervously, trying to play it off as less serious than it seemingly was in hopes that someone would agree with her.

“Yes!” Adrien insisted with unexpected vehemence. “You were dating Luka at that point—like, you were sitting in his lap as you told me that you were embarrassed that you had ever liked me and, even though you had liked me, it wasn’t a big deal, and it was stupid for you to like me—so I just believed you. Unquestioningly. Because you were dating the perfect guy, and of course you were so over me and it was stupid for someone as amazing as you to have ever liked me in the first place because people don’t ever actually like the real me. Ladybug didn’t. Kagami didn’t. Marinette didn’t.”

“Adrien,” Luka called softly, trying to pull Adrien out of the downward spiral.

Adrien wasn’t having it. “And I was in love with you then. Marinette-you. For a second, when Alix said that you had liked me before, I thought I had a sliver of a chance, but…you kind of pulverized it. So, I said. ‘Oh. Okay. Sorry.’, and the party just kind of went on, but I felt horrible, so I made up an excuse about getting back before someone realized I was gone, and I went home and cried a little bit until I started getting worried about being akumatized.”

“Oh, Adrien,” Luka sighed, pulling Adrien into a side hug to more easily nuzzle.

“Adrien, I’m sorry,” Marinette responded in a small, meek tone.

“You should be,” Adrien snorted. “You stole the guy I had a crush on, publicly humiliated me, and broke my heart.”

“We can make two of those things better for you,” Luka offered.

Adrien hummed thoughtfully. “Maybe in a minute. I’m busy being a drama queen.”

Luka nodded, familiar with the drill. “Just let us know when you’re done and ready to be placated.”

“Will do,” Adrien assured, but then paused, a realization dawning upon him. “Wait.” He pulled back from Luka to stare at Marinette. “But that was when you fell in love with me when we were little. You said that you loved me now, in the present tense. When did you fall for me again?” Adrien demanded, even more confused than before.

“I didn’t,” Marinette replied simply with a shrug. “I never got over you.”

Adrien’s mouth fell open. “You didn’t?”

She shook her head, an adoring smile gracing her lips. “Earlier, you told me that your feelings for Marinette and Ladybug had never changed. Mine didn’t either. Even while I’ve been with Luka, I’ve loved you this whole time.”

“…Oh.” Adrien gulped. “I…So that’s why Luka was talking before about something romantic possibly happening in the future between us?” He looked back and forth between Marinette and Luka.

Marinette nodded. “I’ve always been honest with Luka about my feelings, and he’s always been honest with me.”

“Is a romantic relationship with Marinette something you think you’d want?” Luka inquired gingerly, aware of the fragile nature of the situation.

Adrien bit his lip but forced himself to look both of them in the eyes. “Eventually? Yes…but not right now. I’m…” He looked away. “I’ve got a lot of healing still left to do, and a big chunk of it has to do with you, Marinette. Besides, I’m not the person you knew. I’m not—” He choked back tears. “I’m not the guy you think you’re in love with.”

“Adrien?” She inched closer, concern coating her voice.

He shook his head. “I’ve changed a lot this past year. I’ve been through the shredder, and I’m not the same guy I was when you knew me. Maybe we’ll start getting to know one another again, and you’ll find out that you don’t really love me after all. I honestly don’t think you will.”

“Don’t say that.” Luka pulled Adrien back in, squeezing his shoulder.

Adrien shook his head. “Marinette, I don’t want to get my hopes up only to be crushed again. The point is, I need some time for us to get to know one another again because I don’t believe that the person I am right now is loveable.”

“You’re wrong,” Luka insisted. “You’re dead wrong, Adrien.”

“Still,” Adrien protested. “She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know firsthand what I’m like, how bad I am.”

He turned back to Marinette. “I am a pale, sick shadow of my former self, and I don’t think it’s possible to love me as I am. I’m not sure what Nino and Luka have told you, but…”

He trailed off, giving her the opportunity to fill in the gap.

Marinette exhaled slowly. “Luka is of the opinion that, if I truly cared, I’d go check on you myself. He tells me vague, generic details mostly. I get some specifics sometimes, I mean, we do talk about you quite a bit, but he’s very diligent about protecting your privacy.”

Adrien nodded diplomatically.

Marinette took a deep breath. “Nino…Nino and I don’t exactly talk much anymore.”

Adrien blinked as he tried to process her words. “What? But… You guys always got along so well.”

She shook her head, averting her eyes. “He’s mad at me for not being there for you. He’s tried to get me to talk things out with you a couple times, but it’s only ended in me clamming up and shutting him out and him losing his temper. I probably should have just told him what my deal was, and he would have told me that you didn’t hate me or blame me for your father’s death, but…”

She looked up, out the windows over the kitchen sink. “Sorry. Being Ladybug is a heavy responsibility. Being the Guardian and Ladybug can feel like being stuck in a pit with the ceiling pressing down on you sometimes, and that wasn’t a burden I could share with anyone.”

“Marinette,” Luka cooed, slipping his arm from Adrien’s shoulders to wrap around Marinette, pulling her into him, encircling her in safety and warmth. He squeezed her tight, nuzzling her hair, pressing delicate kisses to the top and sides of her head.

“Paris depends on me,” Marinette whispered, letting herself relax into Luka’s hold. “The safety of everyone depends on me. I had to keep my identity secret at any cost…even if that meant dealing with everything on my own. It was suffocating having to keep all of that to myself, but I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t risk being weak and opening up to anyone. It would put everyone in danger. I just had to suck it up and figure things out without help. There was no option to ask for help…. I just learned not to, so…it didn’t feel like telling Nino and asking for help was an option.”

“Okay,” Luka sighed, pulling back to look her in the eye and make sure she was paying attention. “Okay. No more of that. All right? No more dealing with everything yourself. No more not asking for help when you’re drowning. Em, we are a team. Teammates lean on one another. Teammates have each other’s backs. Please know that, whatever it is you’re going through, I will be there to support you. All you have to do is ask. Tell me what you need done, and I will make it happen for you. Until I take my last breath, I will be there for you every step of the way.”

“Luka,” Marinette breathed, eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

“Me too,” Adrien added softly, face set in determination. “We’re still partners, aren’t we? Partners stay by each other’s side and support one another. Marinette was always the one who would fight anyone who called Chat Noir Ladybug’s sidekick, wasn’t she? So…treat me like a partner and depend on me in the future.”

His eyes went soft with a mix of affection for her and regret. “I’m so sorry that you felt like you had to deal with everything alone all these years, My Lady. I’m sorry I never saw you were struggling.”

Marinette reached out across Luka and took Adrien’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay, Chaton. It’s not your fault…. Thanks.” She lifted her head to meet both of their gazes. “Thank you both. I can’t promise that I’m overnight going to start reaching out for help, but…I’ll try to keep in mind the next time I feel overwhelmed that it’s okay to say something.”

“Please do, Chanson,” Luka whispered, hugging her closer.

Adrien tightened his grip on her hand, silently letting her know he was there for her too.

They stayed like that for a comfortable minute, Marinette in Luka’s arms, Marinette and Adrien holding hands, Adrien snuggled up at Luka’s side.

Adrien noted that it was nice, natural. It felt like he fit there with them, and that was a wonderful feeling.

It was over too soon as Marinette slowly disengaged, getting up and going over to the table where Sabine had left the pastries she’d been trying to foist upon Adrien.

“Okay,” Marinette sighed as she picked out a pain au chocolat and threw it on a plate with a banana. “So…I need to rely on people more…and Adrien doesn’t think he’s loveable as is.”

“That sounds like an accurate summary,” Luka agreed.

Marinette motioned for Adrien to join her at the table.

Tentatively, he did, taking a seat across from her.

She set the plate she had prepared in front of him with a command of, “Eat. I promised my mother I’d get you to eat.”

Luka came over and exchanged the banana on Adrien’s plate with an orange from the dish.

Adrien cast Luka a look of gratitude before digging into the pain au chocolat.

“So,” Luka announced, carefully moving the Fox Miraculous box out of the way before putting his elbows down and leaning on the end of the counter. “You two are going to work on being friends again so Marinette will be able to say for sure that she loves the person Adrien is now and not just the person he was a year ago?”

Marinette nodded, grabbing the discarded banana and thoughtfully peeling it. “That’s the plan.”

“It’s okay if you don’t end up loving me,” Adrien remarked, trying to be realistic. “I don’t expect you to. If we could just be friends again, even that would be—”

“—Perfect Fifth, why don’t you just eat your pastry and not worry so much about the future,” Luka suggested gently. “The future will take care of itself, so let’s just let what happens happen.”

Adrien bit his lip and looked like he was about to protest, but then he decided to concentrate his efforts on the pain au chocolat.

“We can start with study sessions,” Marinette jumped in through a mouthful of banana. She swallowed and continued, “There’s still a week before exams. We can still get you up to speed enough to pass Business.”

“And you could come over and have dinner with the Dupain-Chengs,” Luka added, stealing a lavender honey macaron from the pastry box. “Marinette told me she invited you over to cook and have dinner whenever you wanted.”

Adrien nodded. “Maybe we could do that on Wednesday.”

“Would you want to stay after to play video games?” Marinette inquired tentatively. “I guess it depends on how you’re feeling that day, but…My mom and dad would probably appreciate someone a little more on their level to go up against.”

Adrien turned to Luka. “I think your girlfriend just insulted my video game skills.”

Luka shrugged. “She’s kind of a beast. You’re either nicer than she is or not as good because, when I play against you, I don’t feel as badly beaten. I’m a total noob, and her parents both trounce me.”

Adrien’s eyebrows pinched together as he grabbed a napkin and wiped the chocolate smears from his mouth. “Let’s just say that I’m nicer.” He picked up his orange and bit into it, creating a foothold from which he could remove the rest of the peel.

“You are nicer,” Marinette confirmed, “but you’re also not as good at video games.”

Adrien flicked a piece of orange peel at her. “Why do I like you again?”

“She’s worth liking,” Luka snickered, picking up the peel that had glanced off of Marinette’s arm and landed on the table and setting it back down on Adrien’s plate with the rest of the orange detritus.

Adrien shrugged, dropping the pouty act.

“You know, we never finished watching that one anime you were showing me,” Marinette changed the subject. “We should go back to Saturday anime and Chinese food night.”

Adrien paused with an orange slice halfway to his mouth. “Which anime was it?”

Marinette pursed her lips, trying to think of what it had been called. “The one with the English title pronounced the Japanese way.”

“You just described a quarter of all anime,” Luka snorted, stealing the banana from Marinette and taking a bite.

Marinette swatted at her boyfriend. “The one with the zodiac.”

Luka raised an eyebrow. “Starry Sky?”

Adrien’s face went red. “I wouldn’t show her a reverse harem anime.”

Marinette frowned. “You showed me Ouran High School Host Club. Isn’t that a reverse harem?”

“Technically, but it’s not just a reverse harem. There’s an actual compelling plot,” Adrien explained.

Luka hummed, wracking his brain for all of the anime Adrien had showed him pertaining to the zodiac. “It wouldn’t be Etotama. …Was it Furuba?”

“Fruits Basket!” Marinette exclaimed, stealing back the banana from Luka. “That’s it. We should finish Fruits Basket…start hanging out more like we used to.”

“I’d like that. If things could go back to normal.” Adrien nodded, holding out the last slice of orange to Luka.

Luka leaned in, taking it between his teeth.

Adrien chuckled, picking up his plate and taking it over to the sink. He deposited the orange peel in the compost bin and the plate in the dishwasher before washing the sticky juice off of his hands.

Marinette swung around on her stool to face him. “The three of us should hang out more often too,” she proposed tentatively.

Adrien looked up. “Yeah?”

Luka grinned, turning his body towards Adrien. “Yeah.”

Adrien nodded again, a cautiously hopeful smile pulling at his lips. “I’d like that.”

“Maybe we could all hang out at your apartment sometime,” Marinette suggested. “I mean, if you feel okay with that. I’d love to see it.”

Adrien frowned, not yet sure how he felt about having Marinette in his space where he couldn’t escape if he needed to.

“Or we could start out here or on the Liberty.” Luka intervened, seeing Adrien’s hesitation.

Adrien finished drying his hands and turned to look at Luka with gratitude. “That sounds good. Maybe we can hang out at my place in a few weeks.”

“Okay,” Marinette hastily agreed. “Sure. Of course. Yeah. We could start out here…maybe make dinner together…watch a movie while snuggling on the couch…go for a walk by the Seine afterwards…stop by a park and just sit and talk…watch the stars.” She bit her lip, casting her boyfriend a sidelong look. “Maybe Luka could bring his guitar and serenade us.”

“Sure,” Luka consented, reaching out to twist a lock of Marinette’s hair around his finger before looking to Adrien. “If that’s something Adrien would be interested in?”

Adrien gulped, trying to restore moisture to his suddenly parched throat. “I…Yeah. Yes. I…That sounds great. I’d like that sometime. Um…When…When exactly would you be wanting to do that?”

“Whenever you’re ready,” Marinette assured. “If that’s in two weeks or two months… Whenever you’re ready.”

Adrien inhaled slowly, starting to nod. “O-Okay.”

“Maybe we can start with something less stressful,” Luka was quick to suggest. “Maybe the three of us just have dinner with my family sometimes or just get together to watch a movie or play board games or go through the pile of instruments my family has in storage. Just fun, low-pressure stuff. I think the Liberty is fairly neutral ground, if we want to start there.”

Marinette nodded enthusiastically, eager to be accommodating. “Sure. Okay. Whatever you two think is best.”

Adrien cast Luka another grateful grin.

Luka winked, returning the smile. “We’ll figure it out. Play it by ear and see what feels right. It’ll all work out.”

Marinette leaned in to press a quick kiss to her boyfriend’s cheek. “Thanks.”

“Sure thing.” He returned her kiss with a peck on the temple and then turned back to the box of leftover pastries. “P5, there are a couple cheesecake and passionfruit macarons left if you want to take those home for you and Plagg to snack on later. I will be laying claim to the lemon poppyseed one. Chanson, are you feeling more like pink champagne or salted caramel? One of each?” He pushed the box towards her.

Marinette blushed, looking away, ashamed. “I actually prefer the salted caramel. Pink champagne is okay, but I usually only take them so that I can sneak them into my purse for my kwami.”

Luka’s eyes widened, and his eyebrows raised. “Oh. Well. I guess I’m going to have some work to do relearning your favourite foods and flavours. Off the top of your head, is there anything else that I think you love that you’re not all that enthusiastic about?” he inquired patiently, trying to take it all in stride.

Marinette’s cheeks darkened. “The chocolate chip cookies are also a Tikki thing.”

Luka nodded, slowly processing. “Good to know.”

“Sorry,” Marinette whispered, peeking anxiously at him. Her heart sank when she saw the hurt that he wasn’t entirely able to hide.

Luka forced a smile, thinking it was ridiculous to feel personally betrayed over something as inconsequential as food preferences. “It’s okay,” he lied as he wondered what else he didn’t know about her, what else she’d been keeping from him.

“Sorry,” she repeated before turning her attention back to Adrien. “Hey, would you want to hang out now? Luka mentioned you’re on a Frozen kick lately. Would you want to watch Frozen II? I haven’t seen it yet.”

Adrien was tempted to say yes. He wanted nothing more than to cuddle with Marinette and Luka on the couch and savor that sense of rightless and belonging he’d felt not fifteen minutes before when they’d been loving on Marinette…but he got the feeling that he needed to go.

Luka was obviously not feeling too great about discovering that his girlfriend had been leading a double life of sorts, and he and Marinette probably needed to talk about that and get things sorted out.

Adrien needed to go for his own sake too. This was all overwhelming. Too much had happened in the hour he’d been there, and he knew he should take a step back and process. It was liable to all hit him at once and reduce him to a puddle of snot and tears. It would be better to go home and mentally sort through it, acclimate, and then come back another day to spend more time with Marinette, with Luka and Marinette both. He should be taking baby steps, not plunging right in.

“Could I get a raincheck to do that another day?” Adrien asked sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I really need to get home and do laundry and…you know, process. Today was a lot—a lot of good things,” he hastened to add, “…but still a lot. If that’s okay?”

Marinette nodded, hopping down off of her stool to come give him a crushing hug. “Of course,” she assured into his shoulder. “Always do what’s best for you. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”

“Dinner with your parents on Wednesday,” Adrien blurted out. “What time?”

She pulled back with a wide grin. “Cooking starts at five. Dinner at six. I’ll make sure it’s vegetarian in case your stomach isn’t feeling strong that day, so just come whenever. Stay as long or as short of a time as you want. We’ll be thrilled to have you for any length of time at all.”

“Thanks.” Adrien let out a relieved sigh. “But the whole meal doesn’t have to be vegetarian. I know your dad loves his coq au vin and beef bourguignon. I’ll be okay.”

Marinette rolled her eyes, giving his arm a pat. “Papa will be okay eating vegetarian at least one meal a week. His cholesterol levels will thank you. Besides, he adores you, so it’ll be easier to get him to try ‘weird’ vegetables if he thinks he’s doing it for your benefit.”

Adrien broke out in a laugh. “My Lady is sly and shrewd as ever.”

Marinette waggled her eyebrows playfully.

“I’ll walk Adrien down,” Luka volunteered with an easygoing smile, coming over to Adrien’s side. “Ready?”

Adrien nodded.

“Don’t be a stranger, Chaton.” Marinette gave his arm a squeeze before stepping back and letting him go. “I’ll see you on Wednesday?”

“I’ll be there,” Adrien promised as he turned to go.

Luka and Adrien were quiet as they descended the stairs to the ground level.

Adrien reached the bottom first and looked back up at Luka, a worried frown causing a dip in his brow. “Are you okay?”

Luka stopped two steps from the bottom to blink in confusion. “Am…I okay?” He laughed, coming down to Adrien’s level to give Adrien’s hair a tussle. “P5, I feel like I should be the one asking you. That was really intense up there.”

“Yeah, and I’m probably going to have a meltdown once I stop and think about everything like how Marinette said she loves me, but she really doesn’t, and she’s not going to be able to once we get to know each other again, so…” The creases in Adrien’s brow deepened. “Where was I going with this? There was supposed to be a ‘but’ somewhere. This was supposed to be a positive sentence.”

“Hey.” Luka stepped in, hands going to Adrien’s back and pulling him into a hug. “You’re okay.”

Adrien sighed, letting his eyes slip closed as he melted into Luka’s arms, his familiar pine scent sending a rush of chemicals to Adrien’s brain, promoting a sense of calm and wellbeing.

“Yeah,” Adrien agreed.

“And you’re going to be okay,” Luka continued, running a hand up and down Adrien’s back. “You know, as much as you’re different now than you were a year ago, you haven’t actually changed at all.”

Adrien lifted his head to blink uncomprehendingly up at Luka. “Wha-What?”

“Not the important bits,” Luka clarified. “Not the things that actually make you you, Adrien. You’re different, but none of the things Marinette loved about the old you have changed.”

All Adrien could do was stare.

“I know her,” Luka insisted softly, “and I know you…and she is going to fall in love with you all over again.”

Adrien ducked his head, pulling Luka back to him, hiding his face in Luka’s shoulder.

“You’ll see,” Luka promised, pressing a kiss to the side of Adrien’s head. “Like Rose would say, it’s not going to be all unicorns and rainbows, but it’s going to work out. You’re going to be fine.”

It was nearly two minutes before Adrien could get himself together enough to respond.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

He didn’t have to ask if Luka was sure. Luka had been right the entire time. Adrien was through doubting just because he was scared to believe. If Luka said that things with Marinette would work out, everything was going to be fine.

“Do you need me to take you home? It’d be no trouble,” Luka offered, giving Adrien a squeeze as he trembled. “If you want to be alone to process, I wouldn’t have to stay…just get you home and leave?”

Adrien pushed back, shaking his head and pulling himself together. “No. Thank you, but no. I’ll be okay. I need you to go back upstairs and talk things out with your girlfriend. Things won’t be okay between her and me, if things aren’t okay between her and you…plus, I want you to be okay, and you don’t look okay right now,” Adrien added, worry clear in his eyes as he gazed up, studying Luka’s expression.

Luka sighed. “That obvious, huh?”

Adrien nodded, smiling in consolation. “You’re doing that thing where you’re not okay, but you think people you care about need you to be strong, so you push your own needs and feelings down to deal with later because the other person’s needs are more important to you.”

“Ah,” Luka chuckled ironically, mentally kicking himself for causing Adrien to worry. “You noticed.”

“Of course I noticed,” Adrien sighed, reaching up to cup Luka’s cheek and play absentmindedly with his hair. “I’ve only been watching you do it up close and personal for a year now. I saw you do it before too. With Marinette. With your family. Maybe it seemed like I didn’t notice because I’ve been a wreck, but I know how close I came to breaking you at times, and I’m sorry.”

Adrien went up on his tiptoes to press a kiss to Luka’s forehead.

He pulled back and smiled as Luka looked down at him, stunned.

“Sorry,” Adrien repeated. “But don’t neglect yourself anymore, okay? I care about you, so stop putting yourself last. You and I are a team too, so lean on me a little sometimes, okay? I know in the past you haven’t felt like that was an option, but…on my good days, I want to be there to support you like you’ve supported me on my bad days.”

Luka dropped his head to Adrien’s shoulder, pulling Adrien in tight.

“Shhh,” Adrien shushed as Luka began to tremble.

“It’s okay.” Adrien started to purr as he moved his hand up and down Luka’s back just like Luka had done for him hundreds of times.

“It doesn’t feel okay,” Luka admitted into Adrien’s neck. “I thought she trusted me. I thought we didn’t have any secrets. I told her everything. All the ugly stuff I didn’t want anyone to know. The things I struggled with in the past, the things going on in my life now, the things I wanted for my future. Everything,” Luka hissed.

Adrien gave him a squeeze to let Luka know that Adrien was there with him.

“I told her about Viperion because I couldn’t lie to her like that, but…” He shook his head. “I thought she was my other half. I thought I knew her as well as I knew myself, but…I was wrong…and now I’m wondering who she really is and what else she isn’t telling me.”

“You understand why she did it, though?” Adrien prompted gently.

He could feel Luka nod against his neck. “I understand. She had a lot of pressure on her. That’s a big responsibility, everyone’s lives depending on you, but…a part of me wants her to have made an exception for me. Like…does she not trust me? Doesn’t she love me enough?”

“I felt the same way when she wouldn’t let us tell each other our identities,” Adrien hummed sympathetically. “I was really surprised last week when I found out for sure she hadn’t told you. She said you were safer if no one knew they could get to Ladybug through you. In a way, it makes sense, but…I would have told you, if I were in her place.”

“You did tell me,” Luka chuckled softly, pulling back and straightening up.

Adrien shrugged, caressing Luka’s cheek. “I told you I would have.”

Luka forced a brave smile. “Thanks.”

Adrien bit his lip, hating the pain still lingering in Luka’s watery eyes. “Hey.”

“Hm?” Luka inclined his head, placing his hand on top of Adrien’s trapping it against his cheek.

“She’s still the same person. Trust me. I’ve had a year to lose sleep over this,” Adrien assured, laughing self-deprecatingly, “and I’ve come to understand that there was a reason why I fell so silly in love with the both of them. Ladybug is just Marinette in focus mode,” he explained.

Luka frowned, puzzling over the words.

Adrien shook his head. “She’s not a totally different person who you don’t know with some secret life you know nothing about. She’s still Marinette…she just saves Paris thrice weekly in her spare time. Don’t think too hard about this,” he entreated.

His voice and eyes softened as he smiled up at Luka. “She’s still your other half. There’s just a little bit more to learn about her now, a few more ways in which she’s the most amazing girl you’ve ever met. Don’t let this ruin what you have,” he begged. “You two are so beautiful together.”

Adrien’s smile turned bittersweet. “I’d kill to have that with someone.”

“Oh, Adrien,” Luka sighed.

Adrien shook his head, stepping back, pulling away. “Go up there and let her know that she hurt you. Let her know that if she hurts you again, she’s going to have to deal with me.”

Adrien winked, and Luka burst out laughing.

“My hero,” Luka snickered, but then his voice softened into a more genuine tone. “What would I do without you, Perfect Fifth?”

Adrien shrugged. “Be miserable, Orpheus. We both know I give your life joy and meaning.”

Luka snorted in laughter. “That you do.” He leaned in, giving Adrien’s cheek a kiss. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

Adrien nodded, turning toward the front door. “I’m just going home and doing laundry. Plagg will call if I need you. You know that.”

“Good old Plagg,” Luka sighed. “I’ll check up on you later, okay?”

“I know you will,” Adrien sang, waving back over his shoulder as he went. “Go make up with your girlfriend.”

Nino was in Adrien’s kitchen microwaving calzones when he arrived home.

“Luka called you,” Adrien accused, setting the little takeaway box of day-old Tom and Sabine’s passionfruit and cheesecake macarons down on the counter.

“Luka texted me.” Nino shrugged, setting the plate with the calzones on the island before heading back to the fridge to fetch the marinara sauce for dipping.

“What did he say?” Adrien hummed, picking up a calzone and beginning to tear off the corner. He dropped it when the steam from inside the pizza pocket burned his fingers. “Youch!”

Nino whipped around. “Dude,” he chastised, glaring as he shooed Adrien away. “Did you not just see me take those out of the microwave?”

Adrien shrugged, giving Nino a winning, “how could you blame me for anything?” smile.

Nino glared harder, not affected by Adrien’s tricks.

Adrien shrugged again, conveying that it had been worth a shot.

Shaking his head, Nino turned back to the fridge. “He just said to please check on you and that you’d probably be home in fifteen minutes.” He turned and placed the plastic cups of marinara next to the plate, gingerly popping their tops off. “What’s up?”

Adrien groaned, reaching for the calzone once more.

Nino smacked his hand. “Dude.”

Adrien shot his best friend a wounded expression.

Nino wagged a finger pointedly in Adrien’s face. “Mec, use a fork and knife.”

“Alya says only pretentious, elitist snobs eat pizza with a fork and knife,” Adrien parroted, getting even Alya’s inflection perfect.

Nino rolled his eyes. “Calzones aren’t pizza. They’re pizza-adjacent.”

“Right.” Adrien grabbed the piece he’d already torn off and dipped it into the sauce.

Nino let loose a longsuffering sigh, going to get a fork and knife for himself. “So why did Luka text me to come check on you?”

Adrien paused mid-chew to stare distractedly down at his food as if it were suddenly the most interesting thing he’d ever seen.

“Adrien? Come on. Don’t freeze me out. You okay?” Nino prompted.

Adrien shook his head, swallowing. “Marinette kissed me and told me she loved me, and I’m pretty sure Luka and Marinette asked me on a date—like, both of them. Like, I think they want me to be their boyfriend, and how the hell did I get so lucky? but at the same time that’s kind of terrifying? so I’m kind of trying not to implode right now.”

Nino stared wide-eyed at Adrien for a minute before he could formulate a response.

Adrien looked up to his friend for guidance, eyes begging for reassurance and answers.

Nino took off his hat and ran a hand through his hair. “Shit,” he replied.

Adrien sighed, disappointed in Nino’s sage advice. “Yeah. I got that far on my own, thanks,” he snorted.

Nino clicked his tongue. “None of your sass, Child. But I’m going to smack Luka. How could he possibly think springing all this on you was a good idea?”

Adrien shrugged, carefully tearing off another piece of calzone. “I don’t think he did. Marinette kind of had the reigns of the conversation. Luka was just trying to mitigate the damage.”

Nino sighed, shaking his head as he studied Adrien intently. “You okay, Mec? Anything you want to talk about?”

Adrien looked back down at his food, considering. “No. I think I’ve done enough talking for today. I can’t handle any more feelings or emotions right now. Can we just hang out and maybe play Smash Brothers or something? I need to turn my brain off and not deal with anything serious for a couple hours.”

“Gotcha. Can do,” Nino assured, reaching out and giving Adrien’s hair a tussle.

#Lukadrienette #Adrienette #Lukadrien #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Adrien Agreste/Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Adrien Agreste #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Luka Couffaine #Nino Lahiffe #Post-Reveal #Pre-Relationship #Mikau's Writings #To Waltz Among Shades

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chevd-blog · 7 years

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My Top 100 Favorite Albums of All Time (Part 7: 5 - 1)

Here they are, finally: my five absolute favorite albums ever!

5. De-Loused in the Comatorium – The Mars Volta (2003)

I received De-Loused in the Comatorium as a present for my 20th birthday, shortly after getting my copy of Frances the Mute. From the day I received it, I listened to it on nearly a daily basis for the next two years. Understand, I never do that with one specific album. It was just so uncommonly good that I couldn’t stop myself from going back for more. And even though I no longer listen to it as frequently, it is still just as good as I remember it. This is the album that I most heavily associate with my time at Ringling College, and with working on projects for my computer animation classes. And believe me, I spent a lot of time on those projects—somewhere in the vicinity of 10 to 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. So to say I quickly became intimately familiar with this album is a bit of an understatement.

De-Loused is a conceptual ode to the band's fallen friend, artist Julio Venegas, who is rendered in the album's narrative as the protagonist, Cerpin Taxt. In short: Cerpin ingests rat poison and falls into a coma, during which he goes on an epic journey of self-discovery in his own mind, with the denizens of his mental landscape being all his own artistic creations. In the end, Cerpin wakes up in his hospital bed in the real world, but his desire to return to his own mental kingdom ultimately drives him to jump from a freeway overpass. Of course, all of this is tricky to discern from the actual lyrics: the Mars Volta's lyrics are notorious for being oblique and abstract, which listeners could easily mistake for being nonsensical if they aren't paying attention and reading between the lines. (Fortunately, sometime after receiving the album, I was able to procure a .pdf of the album's concept in short story format, released by Gold Standard Laboratories; while the writing style was similar, it went a long way toward making the album's lyrics more coherent. And explaining who or what "Moatilliatta" was.)

But of course, while the enigmatic lyrics did hold their own sort of fascination with me, the thing that really hooked me was the musicality. The Mars Volta offered up an eclectic blend of punk, progressive and Latin rock, and De-Loused was the album that got the formula juuuust right—a smoothie of influences ranging from Santana to the Smiths to Syd Barrett-era Pink Floyd. The intro, "Son et Lumiere", serves as a metaphorical ambulance siren as Cerpin's story begins in situ, then segues into "Inertiatic ESP", with its frenetic waltzing pace, its vintage 70s electric piano riff, and Cedric Bixler-Zavala's repeated wails of "Now I'm lost". As the story progresses to "Drunkship of Lanterns", guitarist Omar Rodriguez-Lopez layers cavernous surf rock licks atop a chugging Latin rhythm, resulting in a track that simultaneously feels haunted and vivified. One of my personal favorites, "Eriatarka", is damn near tantamount to sonic nitrous oxide, with a lilting dreamy melody that never fails to put me into a state of bliss. The album's longest song, "Cicatriz ESP", comes next, starting with a steady rhythm that falls into a serene subterranean pool before exploding into a full-on Latin jazz jam; it was this song that first showed me the true magic behind a well-executed jam session. "This Apparatus Must Be Unearthed" is where the band's post-hardcore roots show through the clearest—a chaotic, fast-paced song that could just as easily have been one of At the Drive-In's more hard-edged offerings, save for its narrative connections to this album. (Also, quick aside: something about the way Cedric's voice sounds while singing "Anonymous, avenge my name" always gives me goosebumps.) And I could go on and on. Ultimately, despite me having some memories and associations tied to it, the main reason De-Loused ended up in my top 5 is simply because of its sheer musicality, which is really impressive. Subsequent Mars Volta albums always made me feel excited, but none of them ever topped this one.

Prime cuts: "Inertiatic ESP", "Drunkship of Lanterns", "Eriatarka", "Cicatriz ESP"

4. Fear of a Blank Planet – Porcupine Tree (2007)

I have cited several albums on this list as being here chiefly because of associations between them and my move to Canada. If that has gotten redundant or boring, well—I apologize, but it was unavoidable. People have big, important, special moments in their lives, and for me, that was one of the biggest, most important, and special-est in mine. It should probably be pretty predictable, then, that my top five contains a few of these, and that they would be the most prominent examples for me. Fear of a Blank Planet falls into this category. This was the second Porcupine Tree album I obtained, after In Absentia. At the time, it was their most recent album, having come out less than nine months earlier. During my first semester at ECUAD, when I had not yet moved my car up from Florida, I have distinct memories of listening to this album in the mornings while walking by the waterfront along False Creek to my classes on Granville Island, with the beautiful downtown Vancouver skyline on the other side of the water. "Anesthetize", being around 17 minutes long, used to go quite a way toward getting me to my destination.

Later, as I came into my own as a fine artist, Fear of a Blank Planet became (along with Riverside's Anno Domini High Definition, as mentioned earlier) a major point of inspiration for my work. One of the most polished works to come out of my time at Emily Carr, and the one that may have been most predictive of my later trajectory as an artist, was a large two-panel painting which I called "Blank Planet", as an homage. The album was a perfect summation of my thematic focus on the prevalence of technology in the 21st Century. If the title seems familiar, it's because it was itself a bit of an appropriation from Public Enemy's 1990 recording Fear of a Black Planet; as Steven Wilson has explained, the album's main drive is addressing the major current issues of technology and alienation, in the same way that Public Enemy had addressed the issue of race relations. In Porcupine Tree's case, the songs specifically describe the experience of younger Millennials, who have come of age never knowing a world without the internet, Ritalin, and constant media bombardment.

The truly astounding thing here is just how palpable the apathy is throughout the entire album, while at the same time being very emotionally affecting. It all begins with the fantastic 9-minute title track, told through the eyes of a detached bipolar adolescent whose claims include "XBox is a god to me", and "my mother is a bitch, my father gave up ever trying to talk to me". The next track, "My Ashes", is a slower, softer song that draws lyrically on the Bret Easton Ellis novel Lunar Park. But of course, it's the aforementioned "Anesthetize", which contains a stellar guest solo from none other than Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson, which truly dominates the album, and demonstrates Porcupine Tree's continued foray into heavy metal. The guest appearances continue with "Way Out of Here", as King Crimson's Robert Fripp contributes ambient soundscapes while the album's tone grows noticeably darker. Finally, the album ends with the electronic droning of "Sleep Together", which I can only describe as resembling what it might sound like if Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails collaborated on a cover of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir". All in all, while In Absentia receives the lion's share of the recognition from Porcupine Tree's discography, it is Fear of a Blank Planet which is my pick for my absolute favorite of their albums.

Prime cuts: "Fear of a Blank Planet", "Anesthetize", "Way Out of Here", "Sleep Together"

3. Silent Alarm – Bloc Party (2005)

So what memory of mine can top moving to Canada? Well, the answer is simple: those first few trips to British Columbia, where I got to meet my friend Laurie in person after over two years of communicating exclusively online. She was one of the biggest reasons I was able to survive my time at Ringling without breaking under the pressure. Through all of the project deadlines and disappointments and the otherwise lacking social life, I always had her, encouraging me to keep going. While the two of us ultimately settled into a very happy and very close platonic relationship, at the time, I have to admit, I was quite infatuated with her. Why wouldn't I be? There was an incident once, during a moment of weakness, where I was considering suicide, and she stopped me by calling my house in Florida at 4 AM. Nobody, save for my parents, had ever cared about me in such a way. And so, in December of 2006, when I finally got the opportunity to visit her and spend time with her, of course I was excited. We chatted in my hotel room, and she showed me her neighborhood, and drove me around Vancouver in her old Pontiac Sunfire. And I remember vividly what was playing on her stereo: her copy of Silent Alarm Remixed. That was my first exposure to Bloc Party.

When I returned to Florida after that first trip, I bought the original version of the album, and it ended up in heavy rotation in my own car stereo for that final semester at Ringling. Admittedly, as I've already mentioned, my first trip to BC did not go quite as smoothly as I had hoped—partially because of the culture shock, and partially because she didn't quite feel the same about me as I did about her. But we remained close friends, and I was willing to try again. When I returned for two weeks the following summer, after my time at Ringling had come to an end, the experience was incredible. No, beyond incredible—they were two of the most important and special weeks in my entire life. That was the trip that finally convinced me to actually commit to moving there. And I suppose Silent Alarm came to symbolize the whole thing for me; it was a new experience for me, one that had been completely unknown, and which represented a new sensibility that didn't really seem to fit my old life in Florida. I was 21, and as "Banquet" put it, I was "becoming adult".

What makes Silent Alarm all the more impressive, beyond just its great significance to me as the background music of the most seismic shift in my life, is its sheer vitality. For a debut album, it really was as tight as it could possibly be. The chemistry of Kele Okereke's thickly-accented Londoner vocals, Russell Lissack's guitar, Gordon Moakes's bass, and Matt Tong's frenetic drumming resulted in an album that felt unusually charged with electricity. Songs like "Banquet", "Helicopter", and "Like Eating Glass" took a page from the punk playbook without getting mired in the usual trappings of punk. I still can recall that Laurie's favorite was the final track, "Compliments", a sparse, gently humming song that ended the album on a very laidback vibe. When I made the remark about diminishing returns with Bloc Party (waaay back when I was talking about #90 on my list, the band's album Four), this is the point from which they were always subsequently diminishing. This is the high-water mark. And in all fairness to the band—it's kind of difficult not to fall into that pattern when your starting point is already so exceptional and vibrant.

Prime cuts: "Banquet", "Helicopter", "Like Eating Glass", "The Price of Gas"

2. Lateralus – Tool (2001)

Lateralus was not my first Tool album. That distinction belongs to their first full-length album, Undertow. But Lateralus was the first one to really speak to me from an elevated plane, even before Ænima. Undertow brought the heaviness— I think of it almost as a lead weight in sonic form— but it honestly didn't sound a whole lot like the progressive mainstay that Tool eventually became, and which I came to love dearly. Early on, as I've already said, no band was quite as fundamental in my musical tastes becoming what they are as Tool was. And this is the album where they really came into their own. If Undertow was a lead weight, Lateralus was a clarifying light.

On the strength of the single "Schism" and its delightfully perplexing music video featuring contortionists in blue-grey body paint, I bought Lateralus the day it was released: May 15, 2001. I was 15 years old. For some time, I nicknamed it the "rain album", because (I kid you not) for the first several months, whenever I would listen to it, by some strange coincidence, it always seemed to bring a storm shortly afterward. I loved everything about it. From the amazing Alex Grey anatomical transparencies in the liner notes, to the strange time signatures and the mystifying lyrics— it grabbed hold of my soul in a way that no other recording has, before or since. From the opening of "The Grudge" to the very last notes of "Triad", and even the bizarre Art Bell radio-show-prank-phone-call-from-Area-51 which constitutes "Faaip De Oiad", Lateralus is an intensely spiritual experience for me. This is my Bible, my Bhagavad Gita. And it has served me well over the years, through the creation of artwork, and studying for exams, and unpleasant dental procedures. (No, seriously, I highly recommend trying this album while pumped full of nitrous oxide. There's nothing like it.)

"Schism" might be what brings you to the show here, but the two-track suite "Parabol/Parabola" is what keeps you listening, with its poignant message about living in the present and not taking the precious gift of life for granted. The album's closing trilogy of "Disposition/Reflection/Triad" offer another high point, with the second song being the main focus. "Reflection" is not only the longest track on the album, but one of its most divinely beautiful as well, with its Hindustani-influenced drumming and sarangi accented by an electronic drone. But of course, the main centerpiece of the album is the title track, "Lateralus", often cited as one of the greatest metal songs of the 21st Century so far. At nearly nine and a half minutes long, the song's true brilliance lies in its vocal delivery and time signature both being structured around the Fibonacci sequence; the lyrics about "spiraling out" are somehow all the more meaningful when woven into a tapestry whose very fabric is literally the arithmetic behind spirals. For someone like me, who absolutely cannot exist without thoughtful, cerebral music, this is the album that I hold as the gold standard for everything else.

Prime cuts: "Schism", "Parabol/Parabola", "Lateralus", "Reflection"

1. Grace for Drowning – Steven Wilson (2011)

And then there was one. Of course the list ends right back where it began back at #100, with a Steven Wilson solo album. His second solo effort is probably not the most popular choice out of his body of work, but I don't care. In my view, it's criminally underrated. It's absolutely, hands down, my favorite album of all time. No additional thought required.

So what's so damn special about Grace for Drowning, that I rank it above even Lateralus? Well, the simple quantity of music is a good place to start. Grace for Drowning is a two-disk set; the first disk contains the majority of the album's tracks, while the second disk is dominated by the monstrous 23-minute behemoth titled "Raider II", as well as a few smaller compositions like "Index" and "Track One". Around the time of the release of Grace for Drowning, Wilson had caused a bit of a stir by mentioning his boredom with continuing to pursue Porcupine Tree's previous heavy metal style, and his unabashed admission that he was listening to much more freeform jazz than hard rock. For some listeners of Porcupine Tree, this was discouraging, particularly because it seemed to telegraph that Steven Wilson really might be serious about being done with his old band. However, in listening to Grace for Drowning, I simply cannot mourn for Porcupine Tree, because Wilson's solo music is every bit as masterfully composed, with quite a bit more freedom to really experiment with new styles without the pressure of preconceived expectations. The end result was not something that pandered to fans, but instead a tremendously courageous and seductive blend of jazz jams and prog rock, with flute and sax sections provided by longtime PT collaborator Theo Travis. It was a true piece of artwork, made all the more miraculous by its emergence amidst a 2010s pop music landscape that is incredibly hostile to such heady endeavors. (*cough* Dubstep. *cough*)

But then, beneath the veneer of long jam sessions and rock guitars, at his heart, Wilson is a master craftsman of pop as well. "Deform to Form a Star" demonstrates this well, as do "No Part of Me" and "Postcard", a sentimental melody that reeks so much of self-deprecating despondency that it might as well be my personal anthem. Meanwhile, Wilson's penchant for creating eerie and subtly unsettling music shines through on "Remainder the Black Dog" and the instrumental "Sectarian", where dramatic choral arrangements and Travis's diabolical saxophone produce some of the album's most stunning moments of tension. "Index" keeps the tension intact on the second disk, with its lyrical content detailing a fastidious collector whose obsession with adding to his collection ventures dangerously close to creepy and stalker-ish.

And then, "Raider II" comes on, and all of the unspoken menace that has been slowly building and bubbling under the surface erupts into full effect. How could it not, in an epic song inspired by Dennis Rader, the notorious Kansan serial killer more commonly known as the BTK Strangler? The intro begins with a simple piano passage on the low end, with a clarinet joining in to add some treble; in between, there are long pauses for several seconds at a time, where it could be said that Wilson is playing the anxious silence itself like an instrument. The vocals begin quietly at around a minute and a half into the song, with the intro going quiet one last time before exploding with full fury just before the three-minute mark. The next four minutes cycle through the verses, a few unexpected death growls, and a beautiful flute solo from Travis. Then there's another short lyrical passage, before the unhinged guitar solo, which segues into a smooth saxophone solo. At eleven minutes in, the guitars return with a vengeance, and then recede again into the reverb, leaving a disquieting stillness in their wake. Out of the silence the song catches its second wind and emerges again with a jangly guitar melody, over which Wilson evokes disturbing metaphors for the serial killer's mentality: "A cat among the crows, I'm raider / The butcher and his prose". Finally, the song winds down with a chaotic ensemble, its ever-increasing tempo finally culminating in a single sustained blast of disorder, with two minutes of slow bass and guitar to pad the ending. And after such a harrowing rollercoaster ride, the album ends gently on the palate cleanser, "Like Dust I Have Cleared from My Eye".

In summary, Grace for Drowning is my favorite album, probably because of the wide emotional range it exemplifies. There are parts of the album that are peaceful and delicate, parts that are achingly sad and wistful, parts that are laidback and mellow, and of course, parts that are incredibly dark and sinister. There is ample expressive complexity and splendor here, for those who can appreciate it. And there is heaviness here, too, in a way that doesn't rely on the metal clichés of Wilson's past. Overall, a phenomenal album, and one that likely won't soon see a challenger for its title as my favorite of all time.

Prime cuts: "No Part of Me", "Postcard", "Remainder the Black Dog", "Raider II"… fuck it, the entire album.

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