anyways im. DEEP INHALE im doing better now. im still incredibly pissy and do feel bad for the way i snapped at them. but im less "im going to throw hands w a 17 yr old" more "I shall now be letting the worms take me and or just gonna go in the backyard and shriek like a banshee"

I don't think I was the anon worried about having a harmful para but maybe I was (amnesia issues) but uhhh I am also myself worried about it. For ages I've thought it's possible I'm a necorphile. I have pedo OCD where in I'm terrified I'm secretly a pedo but... I'm able to fully differntiate that from actual reality. I know I'm not one. But when it comes to necro stuff I think it's different. It is very deeply and intimately tied to my trauma. I feel disgusted with myself almost always and I know some alters when I was younger and had mroe amnesia of my childhood fell down a rabbit hole of some really fucked up drawn art by proshipper types that was just.... something that in our case made thing worse for us because a) we were triggering ourselves and b) it was making the thoughts worse and making us spiral.

I just idk where to turn. We keep being too scared to tell much to our therapist. She knows about the trauma but she seems to think it's just our OCD because of how we have discussed "being scared we secretly liked our abuse" when what we mean is we're scared because we find the concept hot. The abuse is pain and gross but it also is sexual but gross and Idk how to explain it.

If this is too much you can ignore/delete this.

It's normal to have all these feelings, especially those that are complex around abuse. OCD may be a factor in that for you as well, but I personally do not have OCD.

My abuse gave me a CNC (consensual nonconsent) kink that isn't entirely sexual in itself. I completely get that feeling of "What if I enjoyed it," but I reframe it as "Even if I did, it still has traumatized and hurt me, and I want to heal." That CNC kink kicked in after my first relationship that was abusive and it included a bunch of times my ex violated my boundaries and potentially sexually assaulted me, so it makes me scared that the abuse from that ex is somehow less abusive because of what it gave me.

If it helps, one thing you can do is ask your therapist questions about how she thinks treatments for paraphilia-OCD in general and paraphilias should be. I did the same with my therapist, since I felt like this was the thing he might finally hospitalize me for. I was really scared both of telling someone and of recovery, because of the fact that people expect me to be able to get rid of my paraphilias in therapy, but they are also so entrentched with who I am that I would not be the same without them. So, these kinds of questions helped me gauge how safe I was with him and his treatment expectations.

For the art thing, I understand that. My recovery requires avoidance of incest media, because it does trigger me and cause a drop after, even if it felt good for a bit or in that moment. I do think that consumption of media that romanticizes your paraphilia can cause it to develop more and it's like giving your brain treats for those thoughts. It doesn't impact everyone the same way, that's just the conclusion I have come to because of my experience. I do have moments where the drive to interact with it is too much and I end up doing so through fiction, but the shame and triggering gets me shortly after.

I do hope that your therapist understands with the full situation known and is a good fit for you. If not, may you find what you need.