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umbry-fic · 3 years

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A Palette Full of You (6)

Summary: Glimpses into Colette and Lloyd’s lives as they grow up together, learn who they are, and fall in love with each other.

(Written for Colloyd Week 2021)

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters: Lloyd Irving, Colette Brunel, Zelos Wilder Relationships: Colette Brunel & Lloyd Irving Rating: G Chapter: 6 of 6 Word Count: 3442 Mirror Link: AO3 Original Post Date: 15/06/2021

Chapter Title: Ace Up Your Sleeve

Chapter Summary: Colette finally comes to the end of a long journey and finds the answer she didn't know she was seeking all along.

(Colloyd Week Day 7: Free Day)

Notes+Warnings: Last chapter of my multi chapter Colloyd week fic! Zelos is also... Demisexual! Warning for mentions of acephobia.

Thank you to anyone who's read all the way through and big thank you to everyone for a great Colloyd week!!!

Chapter list Full fic Previous chapter

~~~

17-years-old

“You haven’t been listening at all, have you?”

"What? Uh, no! You - you were talking about denominators?" Colette snapped to attention, scrambling for an excuse as she was met with Zelos' searching stare. Her friend was sitting across from her, their fingers drumming impatiently against the long table they were seated at in the common area by the bookstore, a dozen other students seated at the other long tables and quietly murmuring amongst themselves.

"You haven't written anything down," Zelos muttered, tapping the open exam paper in front of Colette. What they said was true - there were no new markings in green ink on the paper, only the blue ink that had been scribbled down during the exam and the red crosses left behind by the teacher. "It is a bit annoying to have been talking to a brick wall for the past five minutes, you know."

"Sorry for wasting your time." Colette bowed her head, feeling rather horrible. She was the one who had asked Zelos to help her explain some of the midterm questions that her teacher had skipped over. Zelos was a surprisingly good math teacher when they felt like it, giving calm and comprehensive explanations that seemed distanced from the usual flirty and boisterous Zelos. Not that Colette could tell they were being flirty - it all just came off as normal conversation to her, even though Sheena often complained they were.

Yet she'd gotten distracted.

"It's alright; no hard feelings or anything. What's got your attention so badly, though?" Zelos enquired, raising one eyebrow and beginning to play with the ends of their ponytail.

“Um... That…?” Colette stuttered, waving her arms in the vague direction of Zelos’ school bag. Oh, this was so awkward.

“That…?” Zelos echoed, staring at their school bag with their brow furrowed, before seemingly coming to a realisation as their face cleared. “Oh! What? The frog pin?”

Yes, that was what she'd been staring at for the past ten minutes: the new pin. Next to the familiar enamel pin of a grumpy kitten playing with a ball of yarn that was purple and yellow in colour, was one of a derpy frog sitting on a lilypad. It was cute. (Add frogs to anything and it would be cute. That was a principle she strongly believed in.) But what was confounding her was the peculiar colouration of the lilypad: purple, white and grey.

“Uh… Yeah…” Colette averted her gaze as her fingers jumped from place to place, trying to expel all of her nervous energy - picking at the folded sleeve of her white blouse, fiddling with the school badge pinned over her breast, smoothing out the wrinkles in her green skirt. She hadn't brought up the curiosity eating away at her because she hadn't wanted to force Zelos into a spot where they felt like they had to answer.

Silence reigned for a few seconds as she began to panic. As she’d feared, Zelos didn’t want to talk about it. Oh, what to do? She didn't want to offend them or anything.

“It’s a cute pin! That’s all!” she blurted out, hoping that would give them both an out from this situation.

Zelos let out a loud exhale, placing a hand on their forehead in exasperation. "You could have just asked, you know? I wouldn't have pinned it there if I didn't expect questions. For anyone else, I would just answer that I like the colours. But for you, my trusted friend, I'll tell you the truth. It's the asexual flag colours. I got it from the same place as the cat one; they released a new frog line just last month. Cute, right?”

“Very,” she chirped, relieved that Zelos wasn’t mad. “Frogs are always cute, no matter what they’re doing. But, uh... If you don’t mind me asking another question, what do you mean by asexual?”

She'd heard that word once or twice from Sheena when she was working on her bio homework, but never in the context of people. Surely it was something relating to gender or sexuality, considering the yarn tangled in the kitten's paws was in the non-binary flag colours. She knew that much, even if she wasn't on social media a whole lot.

If she knew more, then she’d better understand her friend! That had always been one of her greatest desires - to learn more about her friends, all of whom were their own unique persons, holding diverse qualities and each facing their own set of challenges. If she didn’t have the necessary information, she couldn’t support them to her best capabilities.

“I can't explain the whole thing right now, but it's basically a spectrum," Zelos replied flippantly, raising a finger. "It means feeling little to no sexual attraction. You know, never looking at anyone and thinking you want to… do it with them.” Zelos cocked their head, gaze slipping towards the ceiling. “Is that a good way to describe it? Hm...”

But their words were washing uselessly over Colette, who had frozen into a statue. Her heart sat unmoving in her chest, her mind both running on overdrive and feeling incredibly sluggish as she struggled to process what she'd just heard. It felt like she was pushing through water, the pressure pressing against her.

"There's a word for that?" she couldn't help but blurt out, eyes wide in shock as her fingers opened and closed uselessly. Time itself seemed to have ground to a halt, her heart unable to decide how she wanted to feel. She was stuck in limbo.

"Well, yes? It's an entire identity - Woah, Angel, you all right?"

Zelos laid a worried hand on her shoulder, just now noticing the wild look on her face.

"There - there's a word for how I feel?" she whispered as she placed her shaking hands in her lap.

Ever since she'd fallen in love, she had lived each day with the question of why she was broken buried in the back of her mind, casting a constant miserable cloud over her. She didn't want to keep waiting for the day where she would want what everyone else did, for she had no hope that day would ever come. But she had thought she had no other choice, her heart shrivelling in her chest every time she was told that everyone was supposed to be attracted to someone.

This was an answer she hadn't known had existed, and had just somehow fallen from the heavens in answer to the prayers she had hesitantly made for something or someone to fix her. But if there was a word that belonged to her, an identity that meant she wasn't broken, she would gladly accept it. She couldn't describe the immense relief she felt, like the invisible shackles chaining her down had finally been unlocked with the key of knowledge.

"Oh. I... I had my suspicions, but I didn't want to assume," Zelos muttered, their expression equally as shocked as hers as they removed their hand. "So... You..."

All along, she'd thought she was alone, the only one in the whole wide world who felt this way. But there were others. Even someone right across from her, a friend who had experienced the same thing the entire time.

She wasn't alone.

It was liberating to know that.

"I... I think so?" The relief had been replaced with an almost dizzying excitement, one that made it hard to speak. Or focus. "Can you tell me more?" she asked eagerly, leaning closer. The fires of curiosity had now reached an all-time high, her need to know overtaking all else. She wanted to know everything.

"Calm down, calm down! I can talk to you about it after school," Zelos replied with a happy chuckle. "Right now, though, you should go back to class. The bell's going to ring soon."

Her gaze snapped to the wall clock, which showed there were only 8 minutes left till her GP period. "Oh, you're right!" Springing to her feet, Colette stuffed her math paper into her school bag, frantic energy unable to leave her body. "But promise you'll tell me more? Please?"

"It's a promise, Angel. I'd be happy to."

Giving Zelos one final wave goodbye, Colette started running up the stairs, a huge grin on her face. She couldn't explain why she was so happy, fireworks exploding in her chest.

Only that the world that had always been against her had finally started to make a tiny bit of sense.

~~~

18-years-old

“Lloyd?” Colette said quietly, setting the plate in her hands down on the study table. She smoothed his wet hair out of his eyes, only for it to fall right back into place.

It was quite late, the digital clock on the study table displaying 07:30 in red, blinking digits. Sheena and Zelos had already quit revising and left at six, saying they were going to get dinner together, but Lloyd had insisted on staying to continue. “Only a month left to As,” he’d muttered, head buried in his A4 notebook full of econs notes and eyes frantic with worry.

“Lloyd?” she said, a little louder this time. But he showed no signs of stirring, eyes still firmly closed, breaths steadily trickling in and out of his nose. They’d migrated to her room after Sheena and Zelos had left, Lloyd using the study table while she took residence on the bay window, having shifted all of her soft toys to the bed. She’d returned from making a sandwich in the kitchen (without tomatoes, of course), to find him slumped over on the desk, his pen on the floor.

Colette sighed. She didn’t have the heart to wake him up now, not when he looked so peaceful, lit by the warm light of the table lamp. He could stay.

She opened the drawer of the study table, gaze landing immediately on the folded up letter that had Lloyd’s name written on the cover. Reaching out to touch the smooth paper, she wondered if today was the day she would finally have the courage to give it to Lloyd.

Over a year had passed since Zelos had introduced the word asexual to her. As promised, they'd gone over the entire concept with her, an activity that had taken hours, until she was utterly certain the identity fit her. Scarily so. It explained all the little moments throughout her life that she'd had no explanation for until now. She'd spent a whole day afterwards just being stupidly euphoric, unable to wipe the large smile off her face, overjoyed that that were so many others like her all around the world, a loving community who shared her experiences and would accept her with open arms.

The euphoria she had felt at that moment had dimmed, of course. But she was still much happier than she ever used to be, now armed with the knowledge that she didn't need to change. She wasn't broken, for there was nothing to fix. This was just who she was, and she no longer had to force herself to act in how society deemed right or feel awful for not being able to do so.

But there was still fear involved. Keeping secrets from Lloyd was just... not in her nature. Every second that she was alone with him was a moment where she wanted to inform him of her life-changing realisation, for while telling him would not change much, it would be authentically living her truth. Even if she never confessed her feelings, she wanted to tell him as a friend, a companion. The words she wanted to say burned on her tongue, but every time she opened her mouth nothing came out, the jitters in her stomach overpowering her will. Zelos was the one who had suggested writing a letter. Easier to express in text everything she wanted to in one go without all the stutters and awkward pauses that would no doubt come from a face-to-face encounter.

Picking the letter up, she slowly slid it under Lloyd’s open right hand, praying that he didn’t wake up right at this moment and heaving a sigh of relief when he didn’t. She was staking everything on him heeding the first line she’d written, almost a month ago, pouring her heart out onto paper with shaking hands. Please, read this to the end. And at the end of it, she prayed that he’d still be willing to talk to her.

She had read countless horror stories. People who refused to believe asexuality existed. People who argued that no one could know they were asexual until they’d had a sexual experience, who then turned around and argued in the same breath that those who’d had sexual experiences couldn’t possibly be asexual. People who continued to claim that asexuals just hadn’t met the right person because sex was what made us human and people who didn’t feel sexual attraction must be cold, unfeeling monsters with standards that were way too high. People who stared at you with pity and tried to comfort you for “missing out”. People who told you they could "fix" you.

Lloyd was the most accepting person she knew, and she didn't believe he could ever be that way. Still, there was no guarantee how this would end. At least she had the advantage of being in the safety of her own home. She could kick him out if she needed to, even if cutting him out of her life would be akin to ripping her own heart out. But better to rip the bandaid off now than let the secret lurk in her heart.

Straightening up, she shut off the table lamp to give Lloyd some peace. She made her quick retreat out of the room, heading to the kitchen and placing the sandwich into the fridge. Lloyd did so love his sandwiches cold.

The only thing left to do was wait.

There was no sound filling the living room but the ticking coming from the analogue clock hanging on the wall that Dad still refused to replace, even after twenty years. It was always in need of a change of batteries or a tuning.

Adjusting her position so her head was pillowed on one of the many cushions, her eyelids unwittingly shut. She hadn’t noticed how heavy they’d felt until now, when she had nothing to do. After a whole day spent splitting her head over chemistry mechanisms, sinking into the soft leather without any chemical equations to squint at felt like heaven. Maybe she deserved a little rest.

Just a little…

~~~

“Colette.”

She groaned, rolling onto her side away from the voice’s origin and throwing her arm over her face.

Who…? Where…?

“Colette!”

The voice was a little more insistent this time, a hand gently shaking her by the shoulders.

Knowing she had to wake up now, Colette opened her eyes, staring with blurred vision at the cream couch cushions. Craning her neck, she spotted a blob of peach and brown hovering over her that eventually solidified into Lloyd’s face.

“Lloyd…?”

“Hey.” Lloyd moved his hand to her back to steady her as she slowly sat up, rubbing at her eyes. He took a seat next to her, their shoulders pressed together. “Sorry to wake you up, but I need to tell you I’m going home soon.”

“Oh! That’s good...” Colette mumbled groggily, having still not fully come to her senses. She couldn’t quite recall what had occurred between studying and falling asleep here. She could remember that Lloyd was supposed to go home.

There was something else, wasn’t there…?

“I guess we’re both tired. If you were going to sleep you should have just done it on the bed, silly,” Lloyd admonished her, poking her arm. “Too late for that. At least you had the good sense to sleep on your back. Mine hurts.” He threw his arms over the back of the sofa, stretching his back, joints popping.

“Ah, right. Sorry for not waking you up sooner… It’s just… You looked like you were having a nice nap.”

“No, it’s alright,” Lloyd placed his hand over hers, interlocking their fingers and squeezing. “I did enjoy it. I needed the break. And thank you for the sandwich. It was delicious"

"No problem." She yawned, giving her own long stretch.

“Anyway… The other reason I woke you up was to tell you I read your letter.”

Lloyd held up a familiar sheet of paper, the crease where it had once been folded in half clearly visible. Her stomach sank immediately into a pit of dread as she bowed her head, her free hand curling into a fist.

There it was. That was what she was forgetting. But she’d made the choice to go forward, and there was no backing down now.

However, now that the moment of reckoning was here, only the worst-case scenarios were running through her head. She was ready to pull away and run, pulse skyrocketing.

“Hey! Hey. Don’t panic.” Lloyd’s thumb started drawing tiny circles on her palm, a motion so familiar to her that she instinctively started taking deep breaths to calm herself down. It was like he'd predicted she was going to bolt like a frightened rabbit. “The first thing I wanted to say was thank you for telling me something so important to you. I know how scary it is. Remember when it was my turn?”

“You…? You weren’t scared at all!” Colette protested, raising her head and meeting Lloyd’s gaze. The light tone to his voice was reassuring, as was the smile on his face. No condemnation to be found there, just a sweet happiness that warmed her own heart. “You figured it out so quickly and just blurted it right out!”

“I was petrified, trust me, even if it I didn't show. I don’t even know what possessed me to say it in the first place! But remember what you said to me, back then?”

“I like... boys too. Both girls and boys, you know?”

The whisper rang out in the silence, Lloyd facing away from her as she looked up from the comic she’d been reading, the two of them curled up together in the safe darkness of the tiny pillow fort they’d constructed in the living room.

“Okay,” she answered after a pause. “Uh… Well…”

She didn’t quite know how to put her thoughts into words.

“Who you like doesn’t change who you are!” she declared with gusto. That sounded cool. Right? But it was true. Lloyd would always be Lloyd. Silly, awkward, kind Lloyd.

In her eyes, there was no other possibility.

Colette still strongly believed that. She always would. But she had never thought those words would apply to her, a girl who stood by the sidelines looking in on a world she couldn’t understand.

“Those words meant the world to me, you know. And it's the same for you; I’d be a hypocrite for saying otherwise. You’re still the same person, Colette. Nothing’s changed. And although I can never see the world through your eyes, what I can do is listen to you. And that’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Colette sniffled, shoulders shaking as tears pooled in her eyes. She had thought she could get through this without breaking into tears, that she could sit and calmly accept whatever news she would receive. Clearly, that was not the case.

But it wasn't weak to cry.

Lloyd’s arms wrapped around her, a comforting embrace that she never wanted to leave.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Lloyd whispered into her ear, pulling her closer. “You’re just you.”

With shaking arms, she returned the embrace, burying her face in his shoulder as the tears overflowed. This time not out of overwhelming fear like she had on the rooftop, but out of incredible, crushing relief, the last of the weight leaving her shoulders, leaving her so free it was terrifying.

“And I’ll keep telling you that, as many times as you need to hear it. Just like you did for me.”

She already knew that all of the things he said were true - they were sentiments Zelos had already expressed, that she had already read on internet forums. But she'd underestimated how it would feel to find acceptance in someone who she loved with all her heart, and who viewed the world through a completely different lens.

To know that one was accepted, for every part of them… Wasn’t that the most beautiful thing?

“Thank you,” she choked out amid all the tears.

And for the first time in a truly long while, Colette thought that everything would be alright.

#fanfiction #multi chapter #colloyd #colloydweek2021 #day 7: free day #colette brunel #lloyd irving #zelos wilder #tales of symphonia

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