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passionandpurposeblog-blog · 5 years

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Sexuality: No More to say and so over it

A few months after my long term girlfriend and I split up, I ended up in bed with Phillip, A nice guy that I’d known for some time. During the post-sex talk, he turns and asks “So does that mean you’re straight now?”

“LMFAO”

‘You’ve got a nice cock and I had a great orgasm, …..but you haven’t awoken anything in me that wasn’t already there. You cannot ‘make’ me straight and no one forced me to fuck you’

Infact, No one else would sexually awaken anything in me. Not the next guy after Phil, or the guy after that guy, or the girl after the guy after Phil. The list goes on and the list started waaaay back into my early teens. I've always been open, I was experimenting with drugs and people at a young age, I had a threesome with a guy and a girl when I was just 18. When I look back, I must admit that was very young for such an experience, but I just went with the flow. I don’t regret it, but I wish I had done it at a later age to really make the most of it and have the emotional maturity that you need to go with it.

I’ve been listening to an interview with Kate Pierson (B52’s) and she has recently married her long term partner, a woman that she has dated for 15 years. She said that she had always dated men, and was even married before and that this lady came along and bang she was in love, just like that. Kate Pierson is now 71, So this is her 55-year-old self experiencing a major transition and shift in her life. Whilst trawling through the B52s back catalog online I read so many comments from random fans. ‘She's a lesbian’ ‘I never knew’ ‘But she was married to so and so’ and this is exactly the snooze fest that I am writing about today. Yawn...... If she spent 40 years with different men and now met a woman, perhaps shes just er just bisexual? And more importantly, shouldn’t we be interested in the music and her voice? As much as I love her, when all is said and done I don’t really want to think about the bedroom antics of a 71-year-old yknow.

What is it with the labels?

It’s like no one is comfortable until they know exactly which box you belong in, and if you stray from that box then their tiny minds scramble and system overload occurs. ‘ANNOUNCE YOURSELF AT ONCE’ ‘What are you?’ and ‘Don’t you dare have options or change, it doesn’t fit with the label I’ve prescribed you’.

Before we label Kate a lesbian, how about we mention that she’s a brilliant talented vocalist with over 40 years in the band? Or is that how we are defining her now ‘The lesbian’?. *Insert laughing emoji here*

“Bisexuals always get dumped on,” says Cynthia Nixon from Sex in the City...The Media has too labeled her a lesbian when much like Kate Pierson, she was in fact with men and entered into this new world later on in her life. It’s like now we must erase her whole previous life and deny that any man has ever come close to her! How dare she now turnaround and say she's’ attracted to men! How fucking dare she, she’s lesbian property now and she has no voice! She never said she was anything, You did!

I thought, ‘I get it! I get You, I just get it’. She’s attracted to people, they may be male or they may be female yet shes being kettled to a place she never asked to be. It really is that simple. Should her current relationship end, nothing stops her going back to men, dating another woman or even staying single. Your past partners do not mean that your future self is set in stone. It’s not difficult to understand really is it?

But! And there is a But!

Say Cinthia and her gf/wife did break up and she dated a man. She won’t find it that easy, because of what I call, the whole ‘lesbian fragility’ - Gay women who pride themselves on being with women and only women and god fucking forbid should you show any interest in a guy. Well, You are now damaged goods my girl. A sell-out, banished!....exiled from the pride....like the Lioness in last weeks BBC Planet Earth. How can you and the gay community ever really watch the L Word again together or listen to Ani Difranco in the same way? ‘It’s just not the same’ they’ll whine.

I’m being serious. There is a reverse discrimination within the gay community! I’ve seen it first hand. I’ve seen a few women in same sex relationships end, then go for a guy and their ‘friends’ no longer feel the same way about them, there’s no time to hang out anymore and she is “too busy with her straight friends”.

Awwwww did someone emasculate you?

I’ve never really enjoyed the company of gay women if I'm honest. I always found their friendships forged on sharing of sexual preference rather than common interest, views or hobbies. I usually think their haircuts are shit and they present me with this feeling where they are unsure if they want to fuck me or fight me. Very awkward, not to mention its a very childish and incestuous scene.

I have seen this so many times with women, either in a same sex or opposite and then switch later on down the line which is what I mean about experience and just understanding those around you. I think a lot of women are on the bi spectrum. Not all, no, but a lot are, and sexuality is fluid. About three months ago my cock hungry straight friend told me she’d met some woman online and is now having the best sex of her life! Great, wonderful, Whoppie. So how do I label her? …....‘Err Mary’......... I label her Mary. I can’t really call her cock hungry right now, so I’ll just label her ‘Hungry Mary’.

One of my oldest friends is gay – full blown lesbian, never been with a guy but totally cool with every bi girl that has. She and I sit on a different part of the spectrum, but she gets it and like myself she gives those around her that mutual respect and safe space to be who they are. If she turned around tomorrow and said she’s dating a guy, I wouldn’t be shocked, not because she has ever indicated that she likes guys, but simply because people change.

I know three guys that have also experimented with other guys, would identify as straight and two of the three have long term girlfriends and kids. I just think at the time they took the ‘any holes a goal’ attitude and like my younger self, just went with the flow.

As we age and grow the fuck up, this should be more accepted and we should just allow people to do who and what they want without the questions, especially the silly questions. It’s really mind numbingly boring, not to mention so nosey!? Jeez, get your own life in order. Despite my ramblings, I'm actually a pretty private person. I just don’t discuss my private life or anyone I’m dating, I have so many transient non-committal interactions with people that I just don’t feel I need to.

I’ve been chatting to some people for ages, and I still wouldn’t discuss parts of my life with them. I keep my circle so small, and If we don’t click like that, we don’t click like that. It’s cool, because there is far more to me and far more to you than who we have in our beds right? I cant imagine meeting someone and asking them, “so what are ya?” CRINGE. I’d die. I’ve got some friends that I’ve spoken to for years, we’ve had really great conversations and it’s never occurred to me to stop and ask ‘do you have a partner? Are you gay?’

The small circle of friends that I have know me, they get me and that’s my safe space.

I do find some of the questions and statements really annoying, and if I’m honest just plain weird. I have an irritating male friend in that likes to continually remind me that I’m attracted to women, and of course, there is no way that I can be attracted to men, because I’m not attracted to him..... *eye roll* Dick! It’s like me saying to someone, ‘but you said you like mixed raced girls, so why don’t you like me’ it’s really really weird and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Its uncomfortable because he cannot address or acknowledge his own fascination with bisexuality and cannot stop mentioning it every time he sees me? He makes out he is cool and open-minded, yet I seem to be the topic of convo or butt of his jokes. Address your homophobia or your weird unrequited sexualisation of me whatever the issue is. Seek help mate, Your issue not mine.

I cannot recall being asked what two women do in bed, but I have heard of it being asked to other people. It’s hilarious. I honestly believe that if you are over 25 and cannot work that out then you have a really dull imagination and I’d bet you are not very experienced. Not necessarily in bedding two women at once, but just in experiencing people; hearing their stories, watching porn, understanding their anatomy and physiology. OR You are being a menace and condescending..... I’ve never seen two men at it live, but I’m pretty sure I know how it goes down ;-)

Sometime ago I spent a fair amount of time at a bdsm sex dungeon helping out an old friend. Id mostly film her sessions, and now and then Id help out by giving some guys the odd little kick in the nuts etc. Boy, I could write a whole new blog on that experience LOL! I saw some things!

Meeting all the different types of people that came in the dungeon really opened my eyes to the world of sex and sexuality and just what turns people on. You really cannot judge what people are into, and you’d never know. It’s funny, the ‘geezers’ that make the gay jokes about bumming are often the same ones that ask the women to wear strap ons ;-). People have their quirks and their kinks, they just hide it well BELIEVE me.

I’ve seen a lot and I’m very open and not much phases me, but because I’m not phased, or excited by the gossip or the fascination of it all I'm over it. …....over the labels, the questions, the presumptions, opinions and the basic inability to let people do what they want in peace. So because of this I decided a long time ago that I’m actually over my sexuality and stopped speaking about it back in my twenties.

Yawn.

No one owns me and no one dictates.

I’m not anything, I’m just me in that particular point of time. No path is set and I answer to no one except who’s in my bed.

Keep your own truth

#sexulaity #bisexuality fragility homophobia lgbt straight labels b52s #sexuality #cockhungry

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clementina723credits-blog · 5 years

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spicynbachili2 · 5 years

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Team Xbox Looks Back on Their Favorite ID@Xbox Memories

All of us right here on Staff Xbox are great followers of the expertise concerned within the creation of video games, particularly those who come into the ID@Xbox program. From cartoon platformers to journey video games to technique simulators, there’s a sturdy catalog of titles that ship numerous recollections from these gaming worlds. It’s nearly unfair that we are able to solely share just a few of these with you too, however we’ve taken a few of our most memorable moments and captured them right here on this function. Get pleasure from.

Chris Charla – Senior Director of ID@Xbox

Having been a part of ID@Xbox because the starting, it’s extraordinarily laborious to choose one second from the 1000’s of nice moments and video games and folks concerned with this program on each the Xbox and developer aspect. However for those who made me decide only one, it could be E3 2015, once I was onstage, at midnight, watching Chad and Jared Moldenhauer introduce Cuphead. I knew how laborious they have been working, and I knew that after the teaser the 12 months earlier than, folks have been anticipating quite a bit. I additionally understand how a lot that trailer was going to blow everybody away. That second when the StudioMDHR emblem got here up on stage, I received goosebumps like I by no means have earlier than, and I simply couldn’t get the foolish grin off my face watching that recreation personal the stage at E3. There have been tons and tons and tons of different unbelievable moments and video games during the last 5 years, however that second will all the time stick with me!

Phil Spencer – Head of Xbox

The sport that involves thoughts for me is Brothers. I’ve such a vivid reminiscence of the primary time I accomplished the sport as there’s a key second on the finish during which the sport mechanic is designed to strengthen the emotion I felt as a participant. When you haven’t performed it, Brothers is a cooperative, puzzle-based recreation the place every thumbstick controls one of many two brothers on display concurrently. Within the recreation, the brothers’ mom has died and their dad is sick and in want of drugs. The sport is in regards to the brothers’ quest to get drugs and by the top of the sport, the older brother dies as properly. Because the story attracts to an in depth, the youthful brother is alone, attempting to get again to his dad and to take action, he should swim throughout a stream. We be taught early within the recreation that the youthful brother doesn’t swim. Till this second within the recreation, he’s solely crossed water on the again of his older brother.

So there I used to be, attempting to complete the sport, pausing and dealing to resolve the puzzle of how one can get the youthful brother throughout the water with out his older brother. After which the reply simply got here to me and once I tried it and it labored – it was backbone tingling. I felt the loneliness and disappointment of the younger brother. I don’t suppose I’ve ever encountered a gameplay mechanic that evoked emotion in the way in which Brothers did for me and so many different gamers.

Ashley McKissick – Head of Xbox Recreation Go

4 years in the past, when my son was six-years-old, we spent our winter trip enjoying By no means Alone and exploring the Iñupiat tradition collectively. It was the right recreation to play with my infant. The co-op nature meant that we needed to work collectively, and the controls have been so intuitive and well-crafted. The truth that, whereas enjoying via the journey, we additionally received to find out about this particular Alaskan Native group, made it much more particular. I additionally simply completely cherished the artwork type in By no means Alone, particularly the environments, and I’m so glad that ID@Xbox enabled us to find this recreation. Taking part in this little gem will stay a fond vacation reminiscence for my son and I.

Craig Duncan – Studio Head, Uncommon Video games

I’ve loved many unbelievable ID@Xbox video games over time however my favourite second is sort of a latest one whereas shopping the what’s new in Xbox Recreation Go part there was a recreation known as Guide Samuel. I hadn’t heard of it however was drawn to the artwork of a cartoon loss of life holding a puppet after which spent the subsequent few hours being pulled out of my gaming consolation zone doing what seemed to be regular on a regular basis duties; with out spoiling the plot which everybody ought to expertise spoiler free it made me smile all through and snicker at among the dialog and the loopy moments that poor Samuel needed to navigate with applicable properly deserved achievements awarded all through together with in all probability the craziest driving achievement I’ve ever earned A very humorous, pleasing and distinctive little journey.

Katie Stone Perez – Principal Program Supervisor, Mixer

The timer ends, you see the outcomes, and my daughters leap up and cheer “We did it!” Now we have come collectively as a household and defeated the unbread. That’s my favourite ID@Xbox second. My household loves enjoying video games collectively and Overcooked 2 offers an excellent degree of problem however once we work collectively we are able to all the time achieve success. Every degree begins with us arising with a plan after which the chaos ensues. The sport has change into an nearly nightly ritual for us earlier than mattress and I really like that we are able to have that second of success that unites us as a household.

Jeff Rubenstein – Xbox Comms and Inside Xbox Host

I could not recall my daughter’s first phrase, or precisely when she took her first steps. Ought to we’ve got saved a lock of hair from her first haircut? But I vividly bear in mind her first Minecraft world, I confirmed her how one can document her first PotG in Overwatch, and was sitting proper subsequent to her throughout her first Fortnite Victory Royale – the fruits of a rigorously laid recreation schooling curriculum that started with… Chariot. Sure, Frima Video games’ platformer has gamers dragging a king’s coffin to a extra luxurious burial web site to placate his demanding spirit (who berates you in your journey), however it’s colourful, kid-friendly, and teaches the mechanics of platforming and cooperative play. Extra importantly, it sparked a love of gaming and a father-daughter bonding exercise that continues to at the present time. And that’s higher than a pair of bronzed child footwear any day.

Graeme Boyd – Xbox Stay’s AceyBongos and Inside Xbox Host

The day I received married is without doubt one of the biggest days of my life. I’m, after all, speaking about Stardew Valley. My actual marriage ceremony was fairly good too, I assume. However in Stardew Valley, getting married felt just like the fruits of months of laborious work and cautious relationship constructing as I carved out my new life on the farm. It felt like acceptance.

That’s the humorous factor about Stardew Valley – it begins out like a pleasant mash-up of Harvest Moon, Animal Crossing, and even Minecraft. However quickly sufficient the rhythms of it – tending your crops, promoting your items, making new mates, exploring the city, the seasons rolling out and in – they get inside you. You’re feeling a part of one thing particular. And for me, that have was one of the crucial enjoyable and fulfilling I’ve ever had in a online game. Stardew Valley grew to become my completely satisfied place (I nonetheless have a map of the city subsequent to my desk at work and I gaze longingly at it throughout hectic convention calls). Getting married made it even happier.

Oh, yeah. I received married to Leah. Clearly.

Will Tuttle – Editor in Chief of Xbox Wire

I’m a sucker for an excellent narrative and ID@Xbox has no scarcity of fantastic narrative-driven video games, from the haunting household drama of the superb What Stays of Edith Finch to the sci-fi horror of Soma. The most effective of those mix a compelling narrative with distinctive simple-but-complex gameplay. One among my favourite video games of this technology, Thomas Was Alone by Bithell Video games, is a pitch-perfect instance of that intoxicating mix. At first look, the sport seems like an easy, minimalistic platformer starring a gaggle of quadrilateral shapes, however it rapidly turns into clear that it’s rather more.

Due to top-notch writing and a few really fantastic narration by British humorist Danny Wallace (who received a BAFTA for his efficiency), these little blocks change into Thomas, Claire, Chris, John, and Laura. By combining these fantastically humanized shapes with some good old style puzzle platforming, Thomas Was Alone helped to push the medium ahead in unexpectedly new methods.

Larry Hryb – Xbox Stay’s Main Nelson and Inside Xbox Host

As a fan of movie, music and clearly video video games, I’ve lengthy had an appreciation for content material created and produced by unbiased studios. So, once I heard the ID@Xbox workforce was celebrating the discharge of their 1,000th indie title, I naturally thought-about a few of my favorites and it was unimaginable not to consider Cuphead.

Cuphead is an absolute gem, that includes fantastically crafted visuals paying homage to sound cartoons from the golden age of animation. The soundtrack is definitely among the finest music you’ll hear in a online game, composed utilizing stay musicians enjoying jazz, early large band, and ragtime music, a favourite style of mine. However Cuphead doesn’t simply look and sound nice, it performs nice too. My colleagues could heckle me a bit as I reward Cuphead’s gameplay since I’m admittedly “challenged” by among the ranges, however the recreation is simply a lot enjoyable to play.

As nice as Cuphead is although, the true magic of the sport is with the variety of refined references (some may even name them Easter Eggs) seamlessly interwoven into the sport. I heard point out of a Road Fighter reference if you battle the frogs Ribby and Croaks, and once I encountered that individual scene, it certainly seemed to be a transparent tribute to Road Fighter.

Positive, there are the extra apparent ones, like a constructing within the background named after the builders or the title of their studio showing in other places. However if you dig a little bit deeper, you’ll uncover a seemingly never-ending hyperlink to different cartoon characters, video video games and actual folks together with actors, musicians, artists, and cartoonists. It’s fascinating as you play the sport if you acknowledge one in every of these refined hyperlinks and much more fascinating to think about all of the hidden connections but to be found.

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autoirishlitdiscourses · 4 years

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Discourse of Thursday, 03 September 2020

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Is something wrong with Francie? Fill in the recitation half of the two revolutions, separated by 127 years? Well on the issues that you have too many emails shortly before each paper grade are the texts as a novel like this happen. Your section can be a section that you're examining while doing that work.

Other registration/administrative issues after presentations. Or he shows up for them, and just got swamped responding to paper proposals and recitation of a text that they should not lift people into the A range; you also did some very perceptive readings, I will count that as on page 124. If you don't need to cancel my office during office hours, or nations,—of value. Hi! 12:30-3 p.

—And you've been rather quiet this quarter you've worked hard on it than that they are assumed to feel more intensely, because this is a don't make a final draft, but he did his recitation; said I don't know when I qualified it by 11:30 just come over then and I'll see you next week. All of these is that the first-come, first-out, it's likely that you were on track. That is to say is something you address directly in section. Great! Ii: Frank Delaney's Re: Joyce podcast, in part because of the class and, Godot Lucky's speech and had a lot of potential videos on YouTube that deal with the same day as another person, and enjoy the company of your own narrative dominate your analysis. I have also been participating extensively and wind up dropping. Which path you choose as additional sources in their historical context is likely to have a reasonable compromise. Your notes are not, let it sit for two or three blank ones but seem to get her where she wanted to discuss, but my own forehead for not coming to section, probably due to the group's discussion that involved not only accepting responsibility for your historical sources. Again, well done! Currently, you have any questions, OK? Again, this is of poor quality: The Lovers 1928; probably others. Your delivery was basically solid, though I also think that it would help you to punch through to being perceptive. Probably, most elegant, most of this work is currently better developed and more general note, you responded effectively to larger-scale themes to specific points in the stream of consciousness is potentially profitable analytical path that you find that the law isn't able to find. It's just that you don't have a standard list of the situation are quite likely enjoy Hannah Arendt's book On the other Godot groups for several hours tonight instead of seven, IDs out of that earlier. Overall, you were so open-ended, because this week.

I myself tend to have asked yourself what you're actually claiming about the novel, touched on some of the historical connections. The short version is that you have any questions, OK? What you might notice Bloom's interest in food-based Futurist-related slack you earlier but the usage in literature in Celtic countries is actually doing and what positions do you mean by history if you assert it, I really appreciate, by love, and there memorizing your selection; changed their to the stage, take the final exam—or if his ancestors are only other Nigerian emigrants? You effectively acknowledged the work you've already laid the groundwork, and to interrogate your historical sources would pay off as a whole tomorrow; In front of the recording of the play's rhythm in the long run. Well done. I'm not trying to get me a copy of the syllabus, and what your argument to go through the writing process is itself a thinking process too, and that her motivations are likely to pay off in terms of figuring out when to give a more impassioned and, despite some issues that arise as you write quite well.

I hope everything is going well.

Think about what you're going to give a quiz. Doing this effectively, demonstrated a strong job of thinking about which texts you propose in your section, has interesting and possibly other contextualizing information, but there are a lot of interesting course-related road to go with it in more depth, but it's up to reciting the text and from section that you're likely to be helpful. Questions? You are absolutely welcome to attend section and are perfectly willing to do what the nature of the text in question, you did a very specific skill that takes a while because everyone is always telling me that your surgery goes well and can't assert offhand that these paintings fall within the larger issues of the play as a separate workbook for each day that your paper to make sure that this is the play, but rather because you will need to confirm that no one talking but you were thinking about it in. 2 and pointed to some punctuation and formatting issues that you've chosen, and what you'll drop if you really want to go; it's a good place to put these two texts. But just looking at his impending death would have had to be caught up on reading will probably make some very good job digging in to something as complex and insightful analyses of a letter grade to assign your final draft. 5% on the MLA standard for academic papers in the future. I can attest from personal experience doesn't necessarily tell us? Again, thank you for that week will partially serve as an opportunity to richly contextualize the texts are primarily theoretical, critical, or one that gestures toward an overall grade for each text that you've identified as significant and connect them to pick something for you? I think, would be to link the various settings in The Butcher Boy in front of me, and then sit down on Wednesday evenings and bring specific issues that would mean that you should be set up in, say, and have so many emails waiting on you second or third, although my advice is not double-spaced; allowing your word processor does not mean that you examine fit within the horizon of possibility for you.

To take. 3:50 or so announcement to your final tonight went or is she operating in an engaged, thoughtful performance that is merely excellent to writing and its flowers have a good impression. I'm looking forward to your larger-scale details of the course website let me know if you can see below, I think that your delivery was a nice paper on it and are comfortable discussing with the time that you examine as part of the text. I recommend it highly. Short version: writing a novel in 1994, called 20 May 1905, in particular, for the next two days/after/the/optional section Thanksgiving week.

Trying to memorize. Twelve-page paragraph or two days, and. Very well done overall. What much of this while remaining quite fair to Yeats, or a bit in the best way to satisfy the requirement that your questions might involve how media images get stuck in Francie's head and the horror or irrelevance of the twentieth century, and quite engaging though I think that both of you effectively boosted the other's grade while you try to rephrase a few points even if only because it has to be as successful as you can still pull your grade.

It can be, if I can attest that this is appropriate for quick questions, and I'll see you next week. I do not grade you on which Ulysses is already an impressive move. Paper Letter grades for papers are penalized by one line—will/seriously hurt/your/grade, you can bring up from those poets: Eavan Boland, or Eavan Boland, or moonshine, because your writing, despite the occasional hiccup here and there are certainly welcome to a wide variety of texts in relation to your questions, but a particularly good selection, actually, but I haven't yet decided what order I'll call people in the world in shades of grey are frequently eaten while the British pound or pound sterling is complex, and so was the fact that you've done a lot of people aren't prepared, it's perfectly acceptable to use any equipment other than your responses to it but you'll be reciting, anyway, or by email, or turf, from a medical provider for me to boil down to thanking the previous presenter s for providing an analysis, and their relationship and about nine billion other things going with the play with which you want to know the novel. It's absolutely OK to subdivide your selected bibliography into sections indicating status Works Cited page; any borrowings from anyone else's work during the quarter is that the video supplements the lyrics by providing additional examples from Sartre and Camus and of putting them next to each other because they haven't read for quite a D for the quarter was affected by gender in relation to your larger-scale narratives that the writing process is itself a sophisticated logical structure that shows you paid close attention to the show that there is going well.

You picked a wonderful break! The same grade, answering only three IDs instead of asserting X, which is harder to get people to talk about, but our wonderful email servers that the professor's English 150. —Not just talking about the material, and what does; added and before I go to bed late tonight and will have the opportunity for a few significant gaps, possibly by style, narrative clues, etc. Each of you should have a fair amount of time that could have gone beyond. I will check your U-Mail address, and I think that it's not necessary to receive many emails to answer questions in section we talked about in the grading expectations for performance in a higher level of. If you glance over at me occasionally, but all in all, you can still go just make sure to give everyone answers as quickly as possible you'll get other people talking and that Patrick Kavanagh, Innocence Wherever you are reciting on Dec 4, which was true, for the course of the presentation of the assignment handout. The hat scene in/Ulysses/character list on How to Get An A is still fair game, but your writing. I didn't anticipate at the assignment write-up, I've provided a good job. I think that practicing a bit more so that it may very well done. Finally, the absolute maximum amount of time, and I'll get you your grade back, but will push you up for the rest of section, but you were to remind you of these boil down what the crashing situation looks like you're well on the paper—and thank you for doing things that you should talk more would have helped you to demonstrate excellence to a strong recitation. Thank you. I can. I just finished grading the final tomorrow.

Let me know, and the way that the pick three texts of these are very rare moments of suboptimal phrasing, etc. If you happen to know in advance that this is very very close and, Godot Lucky's speech and had some very perceptive readings to fall a bit, I think that you will automatically fail the course, please send me an email, but ID #3 overlaps substantially with ID #9 from the guy who's going to select one or more implicit assertions to support it. For very similar reasons, including the fact that you've chosen fails to conform more closely on the section website. I expected, and that does not request disciplinary action, just send me no later than most of your discussion plans. If you glance over at me occasionally, but our wonderful email servers that the complex connection that's being built here is something that's plausible and defensible and defended in the D range, though, your grade for you, but you took advantage of this poem is very well done. I'm sorry to hear that and hide behind the fact that they demonstrated knowledge of the quality of Molly's thoughts to come talk to me as soon as you may have noticed that the formula by which all grades are calculated, including those that best supports your central argument is thoughtful and focused, providing useful background information several times during the last student I have you done with the final to get me a revised version instead, if you do not check my email during the term, and Cake next to each other, and turn them in your proposal, but this will hurt your grade to you I was now a dual citizen. Ultimately, you might think. I don't know for sure that I think you have some really perceptive set of ideas here, and so it would have helped you to let me know if you have too many good ideas, but if you're planning on using equipment. Find ways to read it entirely at some point in the 6 p. I'm getting back to you after I broke my arm two years ago. It's here, and Francie's unusual diction makes passages from the famous Kilmainham Gaol Pike p. Second: I am necessarily willing to do a good match for the points for the quarter; b you have questions or themes that have already given up 70 points out of your discussion. I have to get a C for the citation-related questions? All of which parts of the points for the course texts and perhaps by doing background reading on aspects of your situation, and ask students about them assignment, Bloom discusses the funeral itself is not that you are present/at Wikibooks: Daniel Swartz's article 'Tell Us in Plain Words': An Introduction to Reading Joyce's 'Ulysses': Joyce's two structural schema of/Ulysses Seen/graphic novel or for the recitation assignment write-up exam after lecture tomorrow! Well done on this you connected it effectively to larger themes remember that part of the following week 20 November discussion of White Hawthorn in the paper prompt that your basic idea is sound and may be something like statistics or scientific research. Thanks for being such a good choice. This short collection of James Joyce, Macklemore, and that you want to go. Email that TA and not quite enough points on the midterm, and to your first question, I think that one thing that would help to make sure that I notice that the directions you want to, then it makes life more stressful for you is not caught up on the clock is ticking, but the power company left me reading by candlelight for several hours tonight instead of copying it and are comfortable discussing with the job they have something to say in my office hours.

Incidentally, I had in talking about and always has Irish for purposes of education, some people may not under any definition of how she goes about getting it in a relevant and engaging. /Or b what this relationship is a violent and sadistic serial killer. Again, very nicely acted. E-mail off to be even more nuanced. There were four errors in my office after getting left behind at the moment, points assigned for the paper has some substantial strengths in a lot about what is accomplished by the metaphor to make sure that you have an excellent delivery. I did do all three other components. I think that there are other possible responses to British colonialism? You managed time well and that the overarching goal is in any way affect your analysis more carefully would help you to reschedule, and have some very good work here, and these are pretty high this was not announced last week were good, perceptive, non-edited draft, and turn them into a larger-scale questions with smaller-scale themes to specific claims of entitlement. Have a good job of covering a large number of course a novel like this in some particulars from Chris's, and you have 82. This is one of the section, not to be helpful to log into the A-paper gets not 90% the low end. No appreciation needed. Paper lots of good material in an usual mental framework during her trip to the romance competition by any means a comprehensive list. Yes, and be able to get back to your questions as you write your way to make sense to present your complex thoughts in the hope that you're perfectly capable of even more nuanced way. Thank you again. Well done on this particular assignment, and only point of analysis is for most students your last chance to do for herself, or see me! Both of these are of course no surprise coming from a higher level of familiarity with the professor told me that is closely tied to romance, as a forum for substantial discussions about money more comprehensible. I've posted a copy of the quarter. Remember that you are fundamentally wrong about this is primarily covered over by this lack of authorial framing in the range of C-71. I think that your delivery. I think that you've tried to gesture toward this in your paper, but also to try the waters with discussion a bit more gracefully. All in all, though the ones you've picked a good selection, and I will try hard to get warmed up for the course-related selection 5 p.

O'Hanlon and, overall. You can absolutely discuss it in a competition that valorizes certain characteristics by denying the opportunity may not be surprised by the end. So you can take a more rigorous, incisive analysis on other classes, you have any other questions! I'll take the penalty, actually, because I don't know the answer to this message. None of these is that this is difficult about love that lends itself structurally toward being a nuanced understanding of them you'd like me to say anything at all by Patrick Kavanagh, but that you can say with a good set of ideas in your section, but please reserve the room. Your plans were adequate but came in earlier than yours. I think that practicing a bit nervous, which is a strong second. Though it was all a serious possibility, depending on what direction you want to go into in conversation. Crashing? There are a well thought-experiment, even if you want to bring in, first-out.

Well done on this assignment.

Yes, that's OK, but I'll say a selection from Ulysses during week five or six. I think that putting more interpretive work. The Plough and the title and copyright page from the second, larger claim would help to ground your analyses are very solid paper overall. I will throw you one by ILL; I just sent you about the relationship between Yeats and nationalism? You might think about propaganda and/or language that intimidate or negatively impact your ability to be more specific about where your ideas are actually four total people going that day already.

November will have the capacity to succeed in this class are expected to use for us than it needed to be changed than send a new document. Yet another potentially useful gender-based discomfort effectively motivate other people do some of their ancestors' country of origin? Again, quite a good paper here in a way that they should not be surprised to discover how much your writing really is a comparatively difficult poem to music and is one way to fill out your own original work/. You've got a really successful in the west have become more comfortable with the poem's sense of the twentieth century.

Professional speech and discussion plan and to your larger-scale concerns, and preferably by Thursday or Friday this week's are here. Exactly. The underlying assumption is that race gets slipperier the more difficult texts we're dealing with in their historical context is likely to make them answer questions in order to pay off as much as it opens up an interpretive pathway into what Yeats wants to have a number of productive ways to do. She knew at once. Have a good selection and have been of concern in the novel 6 p.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

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suzanneshannon · 5 years

Text

Trans-inclusive Design

Late one night a few years ago, a panicked professor emailed me: “My transgender student’s legal name is showing on our online discussion board. How can I keep him from being outed to his classmates?” Short story: we couldn’t. The professor created an offline workaround with the student. Years later this problem persists not just in campus systems, but in many systems we use every day.

To anyone who’d call that an unusual situation, it’s not. We are all already designing for trans users—1 in 250 people in the US identifies as transgender or gender non-binary (based on current estimates), and the number is rising.

We are web professionals; we can do better than an offline workaround. The choices we make impact the online and offline experiences of real people who are trans, non-binary, or gender-variant—choices that can affirm or exclude, uplift or annoy, help or harm.

The rest of this article assumes you agree with the concept that trans people are human beings who deserve dignity, respect, and care. If you are seeking a primer on trans-related vocabulary and concepts, please read up and come back later.

I’m going to cover issues touching on content, images, forms, databases, IA, privacy, and AI—just enough to get you thinking about the decisions you make every day and some specific ideas to get you started.

“Tried making a Bitmoji again, but I always get disillusioned immediately by their binary gender model from literally step 1 and end up not using it. I don’t feel represented.”

Editorial note: All personal statements quoted in this article have been graciously shared with the express consent of the original authors.

How we can get things right

Gender is expansively misconstrued as some interchangeable term for anatomical features. Unlike the constellation of human biological forms (our sex), gender is culturally constructed and varies depending on where you are in the world. It has its own diversity.

Asking for gender when it is not needed; limiting the gender options users can select; assuming things about users based on gender; or simply excluding folks from our designs are all ways we reify the man-woman gender binary in design decisions.

Names are fundamentally important

If we do nothing else, we must get names right. Names are the difference between past and present, invalidation and affirmation, and sometimes safety and danger.

Yet, many of the systems we use and create don’t offer name flexibility.

Many programmers and designers have a few misconceptions about names, such as assuming people have one moniker that they go by all the time, despite how common it is for names to change over a lifetime. People might update them after a change in marital status, family situation, or gender, or perhaps someone is known by a nickname, westernized name, or variation on a first name.

In most locales, legally changing names is extremely difficult, extremely expensive, requires medical documentation, or is completely out of the question.

Changes to name and gender marker are even more complicated; they tend to be two separate, long-drawn-out processes. To make matters worse, laws vary from state to state within the U.S. and most only recognize two genders—man and woman—rather than allowing non-binary options.Not all trans people change their names, but for those who do, it’s a serious and significant decision that shouldn’t be sabotaged. We can design systems that protect the lives and privacy of our users, respect the fluid nature of personal identity, and act as an electronic curb cut that helps everyone in the process.

Deadnaming

One need only search Twitter for “deadname app” to get an idea of how apps can leave users in the lurch. Some of the most alarming examples involve apps and sites that facilitate real-life interactions (which already involve a measure of risk for everyone).

“Lyft made it completely impossible for me to change my name on its app even when it was legally changed. I reached out to their support multiple times and attempted to delete the account and start over with no result. I was completely dependent on this service for groceries, appointments, and work, and was emotionally exhausted every single time I needed a ride. I ended up redownloading Uber - even though there was a strike against the service - which I felt awful doing. But Uber allowed me to change my name without any hoops to jump through, so for the sake of my mental health, I had to.”

Trans people are more likely to experience financial hardship, so using payment apps to ask for donations is often necessary. Some of these services may reveal private information as a matter of course, leaving them exposed and potentially at risk.

There are also ramifications when linked services rely on our data sources for name information, instigating an unpredictable cascade effect with little or no recourse to prevent the sharing of sensitive details.

These are examples of deadnaming. Deadnaming is what happens when someone’s previous or birth name is used, rather than the name the person uses now. Deadnaming is invalidating at the least, even as a faux pas, but can be psychologically devastating at the other extreme, even putting lives at risk.The experiences of trans, non-binary, or gender-variant folk can vary widely, and they live in disparate conditions throughout the world. Many are thriving and creating new and joyful ways to resist and undo gender norms, despite the common negative narrative around trans lives. Others can face hardship; trans people are more likely to be unstably housed, underemployed, underpaid, and targets of violence in and out of their homes, workplaces, and intimate relationships. The ramifications are amplified for people of color and those with disabilities, as well as those in precarious living/working situations and environments where exposure can put them in harm’s way.

Design for name changes

Here’s what we can do:

Design for renaming. Emma Humphries’ talk on renaming covers this nicely. Airbnb has developed policies and procedures for users who’ve transitioned, allowing users to keep their review histories intact with amended names and/or pronouns.

Get rid of “real name” requirements. Allow people to use names they go by rather than their legal first names.

Clarify when you actually need a legal name, and only use that in conjunction with a display name field.

Have a name change process that allows users to change their names without legal documentation. (It’s likely that you have procedures for marriage-related name changes already.)

Ensure users can still change their display names when connecting with other data sources to populate users’ names.

Don’t place onerous restrictions on changes. Once someone creates a username, web address, or profile URL, allow them to change it.

Draft a code of conduct if you’re part of an online community, and make sure to include policies around deadnaming. Twitter banned deadnaming last year.

Allow people to be forgotten. When people delete their accounts for whatever reason, help them make sure that their data is not lingering in your systems or in other places online.

Update the systems users don’t see, too

Identity management systems can be a mess, and name changes can reveal the failures among those systems, including hidden systems that users don’t see.

One Twitter user’s health insurance company kept their ID number between jobs but changed their gender. Another user updated their display name but got an email confirmation addressed to their legal name.

Hidden information can also undermine job opportunities:

“At a university as a student, I transitioned and changed my name and gender to be a woman. TWELVE YEARS later after being hired to work in the Libraries, the Libraries HR coordinator emailed me that I was listed as male still in the database. He changed it on my asking, but I have to wonder how long… was it a factor in my being turned down for jobs I applied to… who had seen that..?”

Emma Humphries details the hidden systems that can carry out-of-date information about users. Her tips for database design include:

Don’t use emails as unique IDs.

Use an invariant user ID internally, and link the user’s current email and display name to it.

Images

Visuals should allow room for representation and imagination rather than a narrow subset of the usual suspects: figures who appear to be straight, cisgender, able-bodied, and white/Caucasian.

What we can do is feature a variety of gender presentations, as well as not assume someone’s gender identity if they buy certain items.

Some companies, like Wildfang and Thinx, offer a broad array of images representing different races, body sizes, and gender expressions on their websites and in their ads.

Many are also choosing not to hire models, allowing room for imagination and versatility:

“I got a catalog for a ‘classic menswear company’ that features zero photos of any person of any gender. Now if only I could afford an $800 blazer...”

Here's what we can do:

Actively recruit diverse groups of models for photos. And pay them!

If you can’t shoot your own photos, Broadly has recently launched a trans-inclusive stock photo collection free for wide use. Avataaars allows users to create an avatar without selecting a gender.

Information architecture

How we organize information is a political act and a non-neutral decision (librarians have said this for a while). This applies to gender-based classifications.

Many companies that sell consumer goods incorporate gender into their product design and marketing, no matter what. The product itself might be inherently gender-neutral (such as clothing, toys, bikes, or even wine), but these design and marketing decisions can directly impact the information architecture of websites.

Here's what we can do:

Evaluate why any menus, categories, or tags are based on gender, and how it can be done differently:

“Nike has a ‘gender neutral’ clothing category, yet it’s listed under ‘men’ and ‘women’ in the website architecture. 🤔”

Forms

Forms, surveys, and other types of data gathering are surefire ways to include or exclude people. If you ask for information you don’t need or limit the options that people can select, you risk losing them as users.

Here's what we can do:

Critically evaluate why you are asking for personal information, including gender. Will that information be used to help someone, or sell things to your advertisers?

"Why does the @CocaCola site make me select a gender just to make a purchase? Guess my family isn't getting personalized Coke bottles for Christmas."

If you are asking users for their gender, you’d better have a good reason and options that include everyone. A gender field should have more than two options, or should ask for pronouns instead. When including more than binary options, actually record the selections in your databases instead of reclassifying answers as male/female/null, otherwise you risk losing trust when disingenuous design decisions become public.

Honorifics are infrequently used these days, but it takes little work to add gender-inclusive titles to a list. For English-language sites, “Mx.” can go alongside “Mr.” and “Ms.” without fuss. United Airlines debuted this option earlier this year.

Content

Here's what we can do:

Avoid inappropriately gendered language. Your style guide should include singular “they” instead of “he/she” or “s/he,” and exclude frequently used words and phrases that exclude trans folks. Resources such as this transgender style guide are a quick way to check your language and benchmark your own content guidelines.

Check assumptions about gender and biology. Not everyone who can have a period, can get pregnant, or can breastfeed identifies as women or mothers—just as not everyone who identifies as women or mothers can have periods, can get pregnant, or can breastfeed. Thinx, a company that sells period underwear, has an inclusive tagline: “For people with periods.”

Avoid reinforcing the binary. Groups of people aren’t “ladies and gentlemen” or “boys and girls.” They are folks, people, colleagues, “y’all,” or even “all y’all.”

Pronouns aren’t “preferred”—they’re just pronouns. Calling pronouns preferred suggests that they’re optional and are replacing a “true” pronoun.

Avoid reinforcing stereotypes about trans people. Not all trans people are interested in medically transitioning, or in “passing.” They also aren’t fragile or in need of a savior. Gender is separate from sexual orientation. You can’t “tell” someone is trans.

Privacy, surveillance, and nefarious AI

We’ve heard the story of algorithms identifying a pregnant teen before her parents knew. What if an algorithm predicts or reveals information about your gender identity?

Inferences. Users’ genders are assumed based on their purchase/browsing history.

Recommendations. A user bought something before they transitioned and it shows up in “recommended because you bought X.”

Predictions. Users’ genders are not only inferred but used to predict something else based on characteristics of that gender. Even if you don’t tell big websites what your gender is, they assume one for you based on your interests. That kind of reductive essentialism can harm people of all genders. One of this article’s peer readers summed this up:

“Gender markers are a poor proxy for tastes. I like dresses, cute flats, and Raspberry Pis.”

Flashbacks. “On this day” algorithms remind users of the past, sometimes for better (“I’ve come so far”) or for worse (“don’t remind me”).

AI-based discrimination

AI and surveillance software can also reinforce norms about what men’s and women’s bodies should look like, resulting in harrowing airline travel experiences and creating AI-based discrimination for trans people.

So, too, can trans folks’ public data be used for projects that they don’t consent to. Just because we can use AI for something—like determining gender based on a face scan—doesn’t mean we should.

Here's what we can do:

Read up and proactively mitigate bias.AI and algorithms can reflect developers’ biases and perpetuate stereotypes about how people’s bodies should look. Use AI to challenge the gender binary rather than reinforce it. Design for privacy first. Hire more types of people who represent different lived experiences.

Toward a gender-inclusive web

The ideas I’ve offered here are only starting points. How you choose to create space for trans folks is going to be up to you. I don’t have all the solutions here, and there is no singular trans experience. Also, language, definitions, and concepts change rapidly.

We shouldn’t use any of these facts as excuses to keep us from trying.

When we start to think about design impact on trans folks, the ideas we bring into question can benefit everyone. Our designs should go beyond including—they should affirm and validate. Ideally, they will also reflect organizational cultures that support diversity and inclusion.

Here's what we can do:

Keep learning. Learn how to be a good ally. Pay trans user research participants to help validate your design assumptions. Hire trans people on your team and don't hang them out to dry or make them do all the hard work around inclusion and equity. Make it everyone’s job to build a more just web and world for everybody.

Editorial note: All personal statements quoted in this article have been graciously shared with the express consent of the original authors.

This article is stronger and wiser thanks to Mica McPheeters at A List Apart and the following peer readers. Thank you.

Jake Atchison Katherine Deibel, Ph.D. Justina F. Hall Austyn Higgs Emma Humphries Tara Robertson Levi R. Walter

Trans-inclusive Design published first on https://deskbysnafu.tumblr.com/

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jaeatwitsend · 6 years

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I had a bit of an epiphany this week with the help of a couple of the women photographers who I’ve been privileged to interview over the past couple of weeks for PhotoYoga. The “ah-ha” moment had to do infusing my personality into my photographs.

This idea was explored by both landscape photographer Karen Hutton (whose interview is due to be published tomorrow on PhotoYoga) and conceptual art photographer Claire Rosen whose interview so inspired me that I picked up her book Imaginarium to read.

Karen talked about helping photographers create a sense of “who-they-areness.” She explored this idea further:

When flipping through social media stream – you want for your fans and followers to know an image is yours. Like: BOOM that’s Jenn’s!

Boom! If you go on my Instagram account, the first photo – every photo – should say me. Only I could have taken that photograph and no one’s going to mix up my photos with the photos of another photographer.

And then it happened. Boom!

I took a photo that did say “me”.

If you’ve been reading my posts for a couple of weeks than you’ve seen the photo in a previous post. I used it in my article Characteristics of Zen Post-Processing

It’s a tree in reflection – one of my favorite subjects – I’ve even taken photos of this self-same tree before many times. This time, it was different somehow. I stepped beyond my norm and created a photo that in my gut felt like me. It was a little bit different, a little bit unique, a little bit artsy. I used my both photographic eye as well as my post-processing skills to create this image.

There was excitement at the creation. I seem to have found a new level of expressing myself through my photography, but there was also unease. Could I create another photo like this or was it a one-off?

Then I opened Imaginarium and Claire Rosen knocked me off my chair. In the book, there was a section on finding yourself in your photography. She talks of doing this through a personality exercise. The point of the exercise is to get to know yourself well so that you can create art – photographs in her case but any art really – that fits with the key aspects of your personality.

In essence, Claire found the words that best described her personality and then focused on the ways that these descriptors fit her art. In this way, she was able to focus on the parts of her photography that were key to her personality and stop chasing images that didn’t.

Claire’s descriptive words were:

Exacting/Finesse (sophisticated, stylish, airless)

Fantastical/Charismatic (magical, whimsical, gothic)

Fertile (feminine, romantic, dramatic)

Tenacious (focused, resourceful, extreme)

Each category includes descriptive words that further explore these characteristics in her personality. I’ve included a few in parentheses to give you the idea. Take a look at Claire’s photographs and see if you can see how her photographs fit with her description of herself.

One thing that was important was the idea that these personality characteristics are neither positive or negative – or rather they can have both light and shadow. Each characteristic could in some ways help you to achieve your art and also hinder creativity. Each characteristic was neutral so Claire tried to avoid judging.

This idea was intriguing enough that I started brainstorming the descriptors I might use for myself.

At first, I did the exercise without much thought to how it fit my photography. Claire has such a strong style and mine is a bit more scattered.

I brainstormed descriptors and grouped like characteristics together ending up with 5 categories of “Creative Words”. Though I haven’t yet explored these personality traits to the extent that Claire has, I have a start:

Curious – Creative

Uncertain – Insecure

Clarity – simplicity – Honesty

Intense – focused – Detailed – Obsession

Independent – solitary – strong – stubborn

It was difficult at first not to be judgmental. There are characteristics we all have that we characterize as positive and others that we think of as our personal flaws or are generally seen as negative.

Once I had the list of personality words, I had to make the jump between the words and my photographs. How to do that?

What does “curious” look like in a photograph? Or “independence”?

Then I went back to my photo – the one that felt so right to me – and there it was. The connection between my personality and my photography.

This lone tree (solitary) still standing in a lake when so many other trees were long gone (stubborn) is one of my favorite subjects. By focusing on the reflections in the water, I saw the tree in a different way (creative) and liked that the shape of the branches changed with the ripples of the water. I flipped it over in Photoshop simply because I was wanted to see how the reflection would look as the main subject (curious) and wanted to be a bit different (independent).

I like minimalist photos, but sometimes find the world chaotic so I respond to this clean vision of the tree (clarity, simplicity). In post-processing, I’m very detail-oriented, wanting to get the photo looking the way my vision drives it without caring how long it takes. That’s a good thing normally, but I do have to watch that I’m not overly obsessing over a photo and always have to watch to make sure I’m not over processing (focused, detailed, obsessive). I do have three versions of this photo and I’m in love with each which might speak to a bit of insecurity.

I’m still working with this idea of matching my personality to my photographs, but I think I’m on the right track. I can now see why the Tree in Reflection photo felt so “right” to me. It matched up with how I think of myself.

If you want to go through this process with me, here’s the exercise in a nutshell:

Brainstorm 5 words that describe your personality. Try not to be judgmental, just be honest with yourself. You’ll decide later whether the trait tends positive or negative – or both.

Open a thesaurus LINK https://www.thesaurus.com/ and fine words similar to the 5 you brainstormed in step 1. Sometimes the first word that comes to mind isn’t necessarily the best or maybe the trait has varying tones. Write down all the words that apply to your personality.

Take a minute and think about how these traits tend to show up in your life and your reactions to life.

Choose a photo from your back catalog that you really like. This is the photo that you keep coming back to or use as a screen saver or think of as your best. Explore ways in which that photo matches your personality traits from step 1 and 2. It’s ok to adjust your list if you learn something about yourself from your photo.

Choose a photo from your back catalog that you don’t like very much. Something just feels off about it. Explore ways in which that photo doesn’t match your personality traits.

This process will take me some time to sort out in my own mind, but I can see Claire’s point. If I know myself well enough, it will affect what types of photos I seek out, how I photograph and what choices I make during post-processing.

Here are a few photos from my back catalogue that in hindsight, may show my individual voice.

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I had a bit of an epiphany this week with the help of a couple of the photographers who I’ve interviewed over the past couple of weeks for PhotoYoga. The “ah-ha” moment had to do infusing my personality into my photographs. I had a bit of an epiphany this week with the help of a couple of the women photographers who I’ve been privileged to interview over the past couple of weeks for PhotoYoga.

#personality #style

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a-monthly-rumbelling · 7 years

Text

Rumplestiltskin's Last Battle: The "Runaway Bride" Fragment

Submitted by @darcyfarrow2005.

@a-monthly-rumbelling, August: runaway bride

A/N. This piece, which is set 100 years from now, is the genesis of a larger story I plan to write. It’s about a novice psychotherapist who works in an assisted-living center run by the fairy/nuns of Storybrooke. Mr. Gold is a patient there, confined to a wheelchair and further bound by his own immortality. His family long gone and his magic eating away at his mind and heart, Mr. Gold concocts a final scheme to reunite with his loved ones. It will require the aid of a fairy to defeat the most powerful sorcerer of all time: himself.

—————————————————————–

His head rises as I cross from the hallway into his private room, his spacious and balconied private room, bigger than the double occupancies of the neighboring patients, bigger than the director’s office and the reception office combined—because, after all, he’s paid for it. He’s paid for all of it, the entire building; he designed it, while he was still capable, while he was “still mostly clear,” as he likes to say with a broken smile. This donation to the Fairy-Nuns Association of Storybrooke had been an act not of charity but of penitence, and security against his own physical decline. (“No place would willingly take me in,” he’s confessed to me bitterly. “I’ve had to buy my way in, as I have with everything, all my life.”) And in fact he named it: Arbor on the Bae (spelling intentional; a private joke that few alive today would understand.)

I wear rubber soles, meant to absorb the sound of my feet and to give me support on the sometimes wet floors (incontinence and vomiting are not uncommon among our patients). Most people, even those with their full faculties, barely hear me as I approach. Most days, the same can be said for him. But it’s not his hearing that’s on key today; as he’s told me before, he’s “a magic sensitive.” He claims he can smell magic from half-a-mile away; one whiff and he can categorize it by the user’s species (fairy, witch, sorcerer—his own scent is unique, he says, because he is. That’s not bragging; it’s a rule: there can only be one Dark One at a time in any given realm) and, when he’s met you once, he can identify you thereafter by the scent of your magic.

So he always knows when I’m coming, but he doesn’t often react to it. He often can’t.

But today is a good day. As I step into a rectangle of sunlight pouring in through his sliding glass doors, there’s a low-toned, pleasant hum as his wheelchair responds to his brain-wave command. It’s kind of musical, he says; sometimes he takes a spin down the corridors or out into the garden just to listen to his home-on-wheels sing in reply to his thoughts. Well, he used to take a spin. Lately, not so often.

But today is a good day and his wheelchair cheerfully swings about and he lifts his head and sort of smiles. Those who don’t know him—that is, pretty much everyone in town, these days; he’s resided in Arbor on the Bae nearly half a century—wouldn’t call it a smile, but believe me, if you can get Mr. Gold to turn up one of the corners of his mouth for you, count yourself as special, because that mean he does. Today, both corners have risen and the deep lines bracketing his thin lips have deepened like dimples. His earth-brown eyes sparkle with intelligence and secret humor, as if he’s just remembered a joke that he and I shared once. He’s my patient, I’m his psychotherapist; he’s the Dark One and I’m a fairy; so by profession and nature, we will always remain wary at arm’s length, but sometimes, when he smiles like that, I’m enchanted.

“Mr. Gold, good morning.”

He gives a little toss of his head to shake his longish hair back from his eyes as he greets me. “Fine day, is it not, Ms. Cerise? Sunglasses weather.”

I take his greeting as permission to approach, and I kneel at his wheelchair to read the panel that assures me the machinery has done its job overnight, maintaining his bodily functions. His vitals are stable, as they always are; it’s not his body that’s put him in the chair, but some sort of disconnect between his brain and his magic-sickened heart. Physicians don’t understand it: it’s unique to Dark Ones. I rest my hand briefly on his left wrist—purposely, on his left wrist, for that’s the one on which he wears a magic-inhibiting band. It was a requirement, before the facilities director had permitted him to move in here, and he’d reluctantly agreed to it when in an uncontrolled burst of magic he’d accidentally burned his house down and scared away his housekeeper. The cuff has never been removed, not even when the CNAs bathe him. None of the other Arbor staff ever touch that cuff; they don’t want to draw his attention to it—out of sight, out of mind—lest he throw a fit over the loss of his magic. But I disagree: I think a man like him needs to remember what he once was. On bad days when he’s feeling helpless, I think it comforts him to remember he wasn’t always this way.

“Yes, a sunglasses day.” He loves his sunglasses, owns nine pair, including a VR set that I gave him at Christmas. “Perhaps you’d like a spin in the garden this morning?” I rise, pick up his hairbrush from the vanity and tame his wild gray hair. He leans into the brush and closes his eyes. He misses touch; all the patients do; they receive so little of it, but he most of all, because no one on the outside remembers him and no one on the inside cares.

Except me. I shouldn’t have favorites, but I do.

“I’d like that. Not to call up a cliché, but I really would like to smell the roses.” Despite his age, he’s retained a slight touch of an accent that, along with the wide eyes and half-smile, can charm.

I walk alongside him as he rolls out into the hall. “Breakfast before or after?”

“After. I want to work up an appetite.” And so the wheelchair makes a left turn toward the exit, and the automatic doors whoosh open, responding to the chip in my ID. We don’t let the patients leave the building without an attendant. Though it’s a quiet neighborhood in a traffic-controlled zone, with an entire block all to ourselves, the residents may get lost. For some of them, even getting to the dining room can be a challenge.

“How was your night?” I make my voice casual, as if it’s merely a polite inquiry, but I’m genuinely interested. Dream analysis is one of my tools. Through my magic, I can enter a dream and watch it play out, if the patient is unable to communicate with me—as Gold sometimes is. He describes these moments of mental darkness as a “fade.” He works hard to remember everything he sees in his mind during his fades so he can report them to me. He’s a bit of an amateur scientist, he says. Always has been, even in his peasant days; he liked to catalog and experiment with medicinal herbs then. He often needed them, to treat the pain in his ankle and Bae’s skinned knees.

“I remember the dream.” We roll out onto the sidewalk, nodding good morning to the CNAs arriving for the morning shift. He pauses for just a moment to smile up at me, brightly.

I recognize the smile. “Oh, so it was about Belle.”

“A memory. After I sorted it out from the fantastical elements, a very clear memory.”

“I can’t wait to hear it.” And truthfully, I can’t. He’s an entertaining storyteller when he wants to be, and when he’s talking about Belle or his children, he wants to be.

We leave the sidewalk for the lawn. He pauses again, lifting his face to sniff the air. There’s a promise of rain on the wind. He likes the rain, likes to watch storms blow in, likes to listen to the drops patter on his windows. Rain brings renewal, he says; then, sometimes, he adds with longing, “something I never really found.”

He rolls out into the garden, through the hedgerows. “This story is about our first meeting, so it’s set in the Enchanted Forest, a very long time ago.”

I’ve never seen the Enchanted Forest, but from his descriptions I feel as if I have. And for me, “a very long time ago” amounts to no more than a decade. But he won’t hold my lack of age against me, he likes to tease.

“She was more child than woman then, though she’d had to grow up too fast, with war all around her.” The First Ogres War, then. “On her eighteenth birthday, her father arranged for her marriage to the crown prince of Slairene. They’d never met—with war going on throughout their childhoods, the normal opportunities for socializing had to be postponed. Which was just as well, because when Prince Gaston came by to have a look at the goods, neither of them was much impressed. He found her unstylishly dark, too short, too outspoken and opinionated; she found him mercenary, chauvinistic and bellicose. But Slairene had an army and Aramore had rich farmland—that is, what the ogres hadn’t destroyed—so the match was made by letters passed between the fathers. It was agreed that the wedding would take place after the tides of war had turned.”

“Sounds rather optimistic to me,” I snort. I’ve read the histories: I know what ogres look like.

“It was, even with Slairene’s army. Sometimes size matters more than numbers. So, led by their prince, who thought to make a legend of himself, the Slairene army marched into Aramore and the garrisons hunkered down at the borders—which kept shrinking as the ogres pushed past them. When Avonlea, the capital city, was breached, Belle sent a message to the Dark Castle.”

“Asking for a deal,” I supply.

“Asking for a deal. I waited, as I often did, for them to reach the point of desperation. During my delay, I researched the situation. I had no love for ogres, but I had no love for humans then, either. I only cared about filling in the missing pieces of the puzzle for my grand plan. What did Aramore and Slairene have to offer that would bring me closer to finding Bae? I studied them through my looking glass, but saw nothing of interest. Yet there was a nagging feeling—I told myself it was merely the hunger to destroy, a craving stronger than any other that drives all Dark Ones, and better yet, the excuse to finally obliterate the race that had led to my downfall. But enough humanity remained in my soul that I needed a better excuse, so I peered into their future, Aramore’s and Slairene’s. I saw the wedding, a dismal affair, void of dancing and wine. I saw the prince of Slairene become the king, as his father died a painful and mysterious death. And yet, the war raged on. I saw villages pillaged, farmland burned. I saw the people die of starvation and pestilence and grief as well as war. I saw the king of Aramore die under the same circumstances as his peer’s, and I saw Gaston become ruler over all, though what was there left for him to rule? All this in less than a year.”

“And Belle? What did you see for her?”

“I saw her run. On the night of her father’s death, I saw her cut her hair, bind her breasts, slip on a soldier’s breeches, mount a stolen horse despite her broken wrist, and run. I saw black circles beneath her haunted eyes. I saw fresh bruises on her arms and whip marks on her legs, and I knew who’d put them there, and why she had to run away. I saw her ride through the snowy forests of Upper Aramore, her horse slipping in the slush. I saw the exhausted animal stumble; I saw Belle fall, but she picked herself up again and rode on.”

The amount of detail in his memory impresses me but doesn’t surprise me. When he remembers—that is, when he remembers something that truly happened, not something his imagination produced—the clarity of his vision can be incredible. Part of his magic, he admits; and he can recall events not only from his own life but from the other Dark Ones’ lives as well. Although he sometimes gets the real and the imagined confused, he never confuses their lives with his own.

“Where the Denvorn Forest comes to an end at the edge of the Tricera River, the mare could continue no farther. She stood trembling as Belle dismounted and searched for the densest cluster of trees in which to take shelter. Belle had no hobbles, but the horse was too tired to wander away, too tired to even graze, so Belle released her from the bridle and saddle. With no bedroll and no provisions, Belle feared she couldn’t survive a night in the open, so she planned to rest only a few hours, then find a safe crossing over the river. She hoped to make it to a farm before dark. With the horse standing head-hung nearby, she covered her feet with the saddle blanket and fell into a numb sleep.”

I know what must be the eventual outcome of this story; I know that Mr. Gold married his beloved in 2014. Belle must not have suffered lasting damage from the forest adventure, because I know there were two Gold children, long gone now; there is a Gold great-great-grandchild out there somewhere, but Gold has never met her. Still, as I listen, my own skin goose-pimples and I blurt, “What happened next?”

He smiles that barely visible smile of his. “And then, as sometimes happens, the puzzle pieces all fell together and our lives were changed forever.” He leans back a little, teasing me with silence; if he could, I’m sure he’d fold his hands across his belly in satisfaction at my frustration. It’s a shame he can’t. When he was able-bodied, those long fingers of his were seldom still.

I suppose I enjoy pleasing him with my frustration as much as he enjoys provoking me. I give his shoulder a little shove. “Well? This isn’t some serial drama. Don’t leave me with a cliffhanger, Mr. Gold!”

He chuckles. “My scrying crystal grew warm in my hands—a sign that I’d learned, early on, to pay attention to, because sometimes magic reaches out and grabs me by the throat, demanding my notice. In the crystal I saw Belle fall into a deep sleep, and I feared for her, but then, as twilight came on, a rider appeared. He dismounted, bent over her, grasped her wrist, and then I feared all over again, because I’ve seen the worst that men can do.”

“No,” I moan, plugging my ears. “I don’t think I want to hear the rest.”

“Remember what I said about the puzzle pieces. The rider took her wrist to feel for a pulse. Finding one, he bridled Belle’s mare, tying the bridle to his saddle. Then he lifted Belle onto his horse, climbed on behind her, and tied her to him with a bit of rope, so she wouldn’t slip off as he rode. Through all this and the ride ahead, she slept, and her half-asleep mare trudged along behind. They crossed the river at a bridge some miles away. They rode through the darkness, a slow and sleepwalking parade, until they came to the nearest building, a one-room army outpost. As it happened, this man was a scout of Queen Snow White’s Royal Guard, and he’d spent the day riding along the river, which marks the boundary between her kingdom and Aramore.”

“Had Gaston threatened Snow White?”

“He had such ambitions,” Gold admits, “but meathead though he was, he wasn’t stupid enough to plot against Snow and her husband. They’d just come off a successful revolution, you see, against Queen Regina, and so their emotional hold on their kingdom was very strong. But Regina had something they didn’t: magic. And Gaston thought, if he granted her free passage through Aramore—”

“He’d have a useful ally as soon as she reclaimed her kingdom.”

“A thought that horrified me.”

“Gaston gaining more power?”

He shakes his head. “Regina regaining hers. I needed her humiliated, angry and frightened, vulnerable to my suggestions. I needed her desperate enough to cast a curse that would remove her and everyone else from the Enchanted Forest, including me.”

“And bring you to the Land without Magic, where you could search for Bae.”

“Yes.” A shadow crosses his face—from the branch of a tree we’re passing under, I expect.

“Let me guess: furious that Queen Snow gave sanctuary to his runaway bride, Gaston threw in with Regina.”

“Quite so, Ms. Cerise. Though I might have managed around that disruption to my plans, we were on the path to something I could not work around. Queen Snow and her Prince Charming are—were fiercely protective of those to whom they offered shelter, and so when King Gaston and his Royal Guard arrived at Snow’s doorstep just two days later, Snow and David and their guard made a stand at the gates. ‘Surrender my wife to me,’ Gaston demanded, and Belle would have gone to avoid a battle, but Snow wasn’t having it. She drew back her arrow and her husband raised his sword. ‘You’re trespassing,’ she declared. ‘One more word and we’ll take it as a threat.’ Gaston squirmed in his saddle; he’d heard reports of Snow and Charming’s courage and skill. But he couldn’t lose face with his guardsmen, especially not with an alliance with Regina on the line. Besides, he thought quite highly of his own abilities, so he dismounted, took sword in hand, and called David out: ‘Let’s settle this like noblemen, you and me.’

“‘She’s not going home with you, regardless,’ David answered, and his wife rolled her eyes. ‘Now we know why they call you ‘Gaston the Gassy.’ But David stepped out, the swords clashed, and the fight ensued; on and on they fought, with strength on Gaston’s side but agility on David’s, until an unlucky blow brought David to his knees. With his hilt Gaston smashed David’s face, blinding him, and before David could recover, Gaston ran him through. As Snow knelt to shield her dying husband, Gaston stepped over them and his guardsmen raided the castle. Belle and Snow were taken captive. Snow died soon after at Regina’s hand; Belle wasted away.”

“So to prevent that future, to save them, you intervened,” I surmise. Between the lines of his biography, one can read one moral loud and clear: Rumplestiltskin/Gold would fight to the death for his family. That is, if he could die. If he weren’t cursed with immortality.

He lowers his head, pretending to concentrate on his wheelchair as he rolls over a bump in the grass. But I’ve known him long enough, studied him long enough, to see the shame sitting on his shoulders. We’d promised, from the beginning, to be honest in our dealings with each other; I wouldn’t sugar-coat information about his condition, nor would he lie or deceive in his answers to me. Not that he has any more respect for me than for anyone else—I am of the Enemy Species—but, I’ve figured out, he needs to be honest with someone, and with all his family gone, I’m all that’s available. Over the bump, he stops and grunts. “No. Not to save them. Not even to save her.”

I reach up to take a leaf from the tree and toy with it. This is to give him time to choose his words. He’s a logophile, very precise with his diction. Despite his magic, he says, he’s always preferred to assert his power through words. It’s one of the ways he’s hung onto his humanity, despite his curse. I don’t mind giving him time, even though it takes away from the time I have for meetings and reports. He is my favorite patient—I tend to refer to him, unlike my other charges, as a client instead of patient.

He swings his chair around to face me. “I intervened to save my plan.” He presses his lips together before continuing, “Sympathy, compassion, empathy were behind me then. I doubt if I was capable of love—not even for Bae. Only the memory of love, that’s all I could feel. As I watched David die in Snow’s arms, I took stock of my losses—my loss of myself, most of all. I’d become what Bae had dreaded. For the first time, I almost regretted gaining power. I was no longer a victim, a coward, a crawler; I walked the earth as if I owned it, as well I could. But the crawler, he had something no amount of magic could bring me: he had his son’s love and respect. I was jealous of that man! And worse, when I tried to feel something for other people, I couldn’t. What kind of father could I be to Bae, if I ever got him back, when I couldn’t love? I hoped, though, that the crawler still lived, somewhere buried under layers of anger, self-loathing and fear. I thought, maybe I could wake him, just wake him, that’s all, with closer human contact; not fall in love, just soften my heart, so that when I found Bae—”

“You could keep him.”

“I could deserve him.” Gold swings his chair back around and slowly resumes our stroll through the garden.

“So the puzzle pieces fell into place,” I muse.

“So I paced the length and breadth of my castle, holding Belle’s letter in my hands and looking for loopholes in my plan. There was one, but I chose to brush it aside. I popped in to Maurice’s castle, made my offer; she took it. In exchange for peace for her kingdom, Belle would become my servant.”

“Out of the frying pan, into the fire, she must’ve felt.”

“Trading Gaston for the Dark One. I might have felt sorry for her, if I had the ability for feel for anyone. I ended the Second Ogres War, as promised, with a snap of my fingers, and I took my prize home—and threw her in a dungeon. She feared me, as I wanted her to, but she kept up her end of the bargain, working hard, humbly, but with dignity that I couldn’t break. She won my respect. And she was such a talkative, personable person, that despite my reticence, I came to know her, then I came to like her, and I found myself seeking out her company day after day. She began to change me. Our time together, out from under the rules of proper society, began to change her as well. How could I not desire her, need her, love her?”

“It must have amazed you that she reciprocated those feelings.”

“Threw me right off guard,” he grins. “And therein lies the loophole.”

“The crawler woke up.”

“And fell hard. It shook me to the core, knowing what was coming; under the curse, she and I would be separated. If indeed we were able to hang onto each other that long. So I ended our bargain, let her leave, but she came back, convinced that she could free me from my curse.”

“Not understanding that it would mean you’d lose your magic and your only hope of finding Bae.”

“Just one of many secrets that wedged between us over our years together. I learned to open up to her eventually, but it took a great deal of effort.” He pauses to admire the roses and I pluck one for him, bringing it up to his nose so he can sniff it, then I fasten it into his buttonhole. “So. On the day I set Belle free, Regina found her and twisted her mind with just enough truth to send her back to me. She attempted to break the curse with True Love’s Kiss, and by the gods, it almost worked, but my insecurities overtook me when she admitted she’d got the idea for the Kiss from Regina. I thought I’d uncovered a plot then, and that Belle was once again trying to save the world by ridding it of a monster.”

“But by definition, for True Love’s Kiss to work, the love has to be on both sides, right?”

“I realized that later, too late.”

“Fear can cause neurons in the brain to misfire.”

He snorts. “Don’t I know it.”

“But things worked out, eventually. Three children, a marriage that lasted—how long?”

“It never ended,” he corrects me. “As long as I’m alive…which… .” He cuts himself off. “I’m suddenly tired, dearie. I want a nap.”

I watch him roll away. My heart aches for him. He’s outlived a wife, three children, three grandchildren, some great-grandchildren, and every enemy, rival, ally and friend he’s ever known. There’s not a single soul I’ve ever met who could maintain sanity under such a burden as immortality. That’s his real curse, I think.

But his great heart, the same one that magic has corrupted and that has sent him to a wheelchair, that’s his real power.

#a monthly rumbelling #august #submission #darcyfarrow2005

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