#let's not delve into if that care is true or not if they inflict abuse
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About how care can become abuse.
When I think about Razaren I did not immediately assume the “point of view of the slaver” even though I should, because he was raised in a society that sees slavery as something normal, hell, rising above other slaves to become a servant to a Magister, is seen as something admirable, glorious, magnificent to the point that Varania even hates Fenris in DA2, because she thinks he had a better life as bodyguard to a Magister than her and her mother that he freed had upon losing their slave status. Which means that rising above other slaves while staying a slave is seen as better than buying yourself out of slavery, at least for Varania. Unfortunately, I don’t know any other DA character that could provide the comparison here in regard to this topic.
Still I was willing to entertain the idea that maybe Razaren was telling the truth and that he was a prisoner too. He was not a slave, but he was a prisoner of expectations, bloodline, parent who was shown to be abusive and hold racist and dehumanizing views about slaves.
When he said that he and Miriam were both prisoners, I inadvertently thought about the case of Gamora and Nebula from MCU. Keep in mind that the comparison is not 1:1, as both Gamora and Nebula were kidnapped as kids and raised as assassins by their abusive “father”, but similar enough that it sprouted into my head almost immediately. If Razaren wasn’t of the Ammosine bloodline, but was instead some adopted kid raised as Ammosine, the comparison would be nearly 1:1, because what the comparison is about is that he had privilege that “his siblings” did not, and he failed to not only see, but accept it.
If he accepted it, he would be 50% more decent guy than he was.
Instead, he was so obsessed with the idea that they were family, that he disregarded his own privilege simply on the note that they shared the same abusive parent who possibly tormented them all.
In Razaren’s head he was abused by his mother in different ways, and it made him equal to “his siblings” (as long as imagining them as his bodyguards when he raises to be the next Divine can be considered “equal” lol, he really did not know what equal means, like at all), but in Miriam’s head his abuse was and never will be comparable to hers and her brother’s, because he had a privilege of being Ammosine, and they were just their slaves. What I found interesting is that even though the show never shows us how Razaren’s mother treated him when they were alone beyond her very toxic “no Ammosine failed a Harrowing in 300 years” scream, it showed us that Razaren didn’t even care about his mother’s death. He crawled to Neb, and he cared only about Neb’s death. Miriam accused him of killing her brother, even though in this scene it was apparent that Razaren was not the one who did that, but it was his mother instead. I don’t want to say that he was innocent or not a bad person, because he clearly was, considering that he saw them both as his to the point that he could not take their refusal of being his family and called them ungrateful.
Because as far as he is concerned, they are HIS family / slaves. He owns them as much as father thinks he owns his wife and children. He is possessive of them, he thinks that he is entitled to having them as his family, and that only he can give them what they need.
I must say that in that mindscape scene when he reacted with anger and frustration to hearing “no” he reminded me a lot of a “nice guy”, who sees himself as good, but the moment he doesn’t get what he wants he drops the pretense of caring and takes what he wants by force. That’s why Razaren is an abuser. That’s why Razaren is a slaver.
Even if he was not responsible for Neb’s death, even if he cared about his family, his own obsessive and selfish desire to have a family was more important to him than the feelings of the people that were to be his family. Which basically puts him in the same boat as any abusive family member I ever saw or met. People say that “true family would listen to each other, care about each other's feelings, respect each other's decisions” and so on. I like to think that it’s true. That maybe that’s what the true family would do, but my experience with family is abuse, and that is the only frame I can see family through. That family will disregard your decisions, diminish you and mock you, manipulate you, make you feel as less until you accept that their selfish desires, ideas and opinions are more right than yours and make you submit.
This is a type of family that you reject and run from, even if they care about you. I can’t tell you how many times I heard someone abused me out of caring for me, while in truth it was just to change me to fit their narrow-minded ideas about what I should be for them. Razaren is exactly the same. Even if his care is genuine, his behavior is toxic and abusive, and his intentions will never overwrite his actions. His good intentions that are only good in his own head will never make it right for him to just ignore the wishes and desires of Miriam and Neb.
Hell is paved with good intentions, and Razaren went straight there.
#dragon age#dragon age absolution#dragon age absolution spoilers#razarem ammosine#tw abuse#to me his behavior works both if care was faked and if it was real#people who don't respect you but still care about you can abuse you#let's not delve into if that care is true or not if they inflict abuse#that is too complicated of a topic
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Let’s talk about DiaLuci.
Look, this isn’t a judgement call. This is merely a flat out explanation and something that should be recognized. There will be a few S2-3 spoilers, but it’s mainly vague, not going into details.
Be aware: This covers sensitive topics regarding the ship, toxic behaviors, abusive relationships, and the angel event.
Firstly, if you support DiaLuci, good for you! I’m not here to shame someone for their ships. But this fandom has a habit of attacking others who aren’t so fond of this ship. Someone can like Diavolo, and not support Dialuci. You can support Lucifer, and not like Dialuci. Or hell, you could dislike either/or both characters and fucking love the ship! No matter which character or ship you like or dislike, you are completely valid.
But this is a post, about the issues with the ship that I personally see, and why it should be more outspoken.
Now lets get to the point of the subject, shall we?
I fairly like Diavolo. He’s charming, joyous, and someone who would be the star of a party. Someone cheerful and bright. However, the way that this fandom persecutes anyone who doesn’t like Diavolo or feels uncomfortable around him is not ok.
In my opinion, Diavolo has shown signs of immature and insensitive behavior. I.e. the way he treats others like toys. Yes, he cares about them, but often doesn’t consider their feelings in things he considers ‘mere pranks.’ This may be because Barbatos constantly assures him that the future will be fine, since Barbatos can manipulate and choose timelines.
He wants the best for the people around him, but doesn’t exactly take criticism or resistance to his advances kindly. “Well duh, he’s a ruler!” So? Yes, he’s a ruler, but that doesn’t mean he should be inconsiderate about others around him. The fact that he disregards others opinions unless it fits his agenda, is a sign of his childishness.
Which means, that over time, Diavolo doesn’t hold much regard to his actions, as Barbatos is always there to catch him. Now that doesn’t mean he constantly is reckless. When it comes to official Devildom matters, Diavolo is an apt ruler, who makes decisions for the Devildom’s best interests.
The problem is, no one has told Diavolo about his less than savory behavior. Because they fear him, and fear the punishments he could inflict upon them. So I can’t really say that he’s a completely bad character.
He wants Lucifer to be his equal, and acknowledge the fact that Diavolo sees him as an equal. Diavolo’s lonely, and it’s explicitly stated as so. He envies the closeness the brothers have. So, he goes about it in the only way he knows how. Which we’ll get to a bit later.
As for Lucifer, I can’t deny I’m quite fond of him. He does his best to overcome his pride for MC, and gradually (in S2-3), he becomes more open with his feelings. Yes, he’s a deeply flawed character, but he’s not a complete villain. The world simply isn’t as black and white as some would like it to be.
Yes, his relationship with some of his brothers is toxic. The way he treats Mammon at times is unacceptable, and possibly abusive in my opinion. The fact that he acts cold and distant to his brothers at times isn’t ok. But one thing I’ve seen others overlook, is that Lucifer is the Avatar of Pride. Does this excuse his actions? No. Does it explain some of his habits? Yes.
Don’t get me wrong, he still has a lot to work on. But he’s getting there, and actively trying to get better.
Now for the ship.
You do not need to like a ship, just because a character from that ship is constantly seen with the partner. Like I’ve said above, you can hate or love Diavolo or Lucifer, and dislike/like the ship.
As for the oath, I won’t delve too deep into this, as it would take essays upon essays worth of information. But we all know that, Diavolo had given Lucifer an ultimatum. Save Lilith, at the cost of Lucifer’s unquestionable loyalty.
Which as we’ve seen, Lucifer had agreed to the terms. And so, he is now Diavolo’s most trusted advisor, his right hand man.
Even though Diavolo says or implies that he sees Lucifer as an equal. He doesn’t always seem to show it. The power imbalance in between both characters is evident, throughout the plot of the story. If Lucifer denies Diavolo’s advances, Diavolo will continue. Why?
Well, you could argue that his behavior is due to him being royalty. Which is true, he’s royalty, and has never been told no. Barbatos has always been there, fixing his mess, so why would he need to worry?
Diavolo praises Lucifer, in a manner that is clearly uncomfortable to the latter. It’s evident that Lucifer despises being praised for his beauty, and just his looks. I’ve seen blogs see it as ‘just a joke’ or ‘being playful’. But time and time again, Lucifer has denied these advances, very obviously disliking the attention and focus on his looks.
But Diavolo continues, and in his defense, you could say, ‘because Lucifer doesn’t say that he’s uncomfortable!’. It’s very obvious that Lucifer isn’t an equal to Diavolo, no matter how much the latter insists he is. We’ve seen Diavolo brush off other’s discomfort at his actions, and we’ve seen him continue.
Diavolo is not evil. This is quite clear, even though he may be suspicious to some. However, his relationship tactics and methods of relationships have toxic, and quite possibly abusive effects.
For example. The angel event.
We all know, that the bangles controlled the 7 avatars, turning them all into angels. Their outfits, and minds, were taken over. The brothers, (excluding Satan.) had gone through traumatic events in these outfits, that’s for sure.
The celestial war, and losing Lilith, all were incredibly traumatizing events forever affecting their mindsets from that day forward. The bangles attempted to brain wash them, and we can see it when Satan states that he doesn’t feel like himself, that he felt calm.
But you might think, “But being calm is great! Isn’t that what he always wantd?’. Not quite.. All Satan had known before was wrath, and being calm completely took away an important part of him. Even though Satan had always resented his wrath, his sin, he had felt like a part of himself was miserable without it. He wasn’t himself, and felt as if he were being forced to be calm, something he loathes.
In all of the brothers, we can see that they are clearly distressed, and may come out of this situation traumatized.
Lucifer is no exception. We saw how visibly upset he was, the fact that the snow-white wings on his back gave him a constant reminder of the war and Lilith, throughout the entire ordeal.
What was Diavolo doing this entire time? He was being provided entertainment, and reveled the sight before him. He enjoyed seeing the brothers in their angelic uniforms, where they had fought with tooth and nail for their sister, and who knows what else. He enjoyed the fact that the brothers were having angelic ideals forced inside their heads.
And when someone speaks up against him? He’s passive aggressive about it, until the person opposing him gives up, begs for forgiveness, or embarrasses themselves.
While criticism of any of the characters is deemed valid and peachy in this fandom. I haven’t seen any criticism of Diavolo that wasn’t met with backlash and intense hounding. Lucifer, Satan, Belphegor, have all been criticized, but has the majority really deemed those opinions as invalid? No. We can all see why those arguments are valid, and people have their own reasons.
Hell, we’ve all seen people Lucifer left and right. And you know what? They’re completely valid! Some people may have triggers/squicks in regards to his behavior, and it’s completely understandable.
But the moment someone criticized Diavolo, we see fighting and targeting. The person who speaks up gets pushed down and insulted, until they either give up, or agree. If you like Diavolo, good for you, you’re valid! If you don’t, you’re completely valid!
Now back to the ship. Apologies for getting off topic, but oftentimes, when Diavolo and Lucifer are mentioned separately, they’re roped together.
Abusive/toxic relationships aren’t always one where the abusive/toxic partner is an outright terrible person. Oftentimes, they come with charm, a dazzling smile, and friends that would fight tooth and nail for them.
Diavolo has Lucifer in an....uncomfortable position to say the least. In power dynamics, that is. Lucifer is constantly embarrassed publicly and privately by compliments, and Diavolo knows this. He’s demeaned by the oath, and as for work, Diavolo often adds to it, just for fun. I.e, leaving the Devildom to come to the human world, leaving his responsibilities behind.
“But he’s lonely!” Yes, and? He is lonely, yes, but there is a time and place for fun, and time and place for work. He is going to become a King, and if he puts all this responsibility and stress on Lucifer, it simply isn’t right.
They have their good moments, but that absolutely does not make up for the state of the relationship as a whole. Just because someone has their good moments, doesn’t mean you accept and forgive them. That’s like saying that someone who physically abuses their S/O, is a good partner because they occasionally make them dinner. It simply isn’t correct.
Majority of the time, Diavolo is fine with Lucifer being reduced to a pretty face and belittled. In public, which very clearly hurts Lucifer’s pride and reputation.
Many people can resonate with some of these behaviors, having seen them in their past.
So please. Tag your works as DiaLuci for others uncomfortable with it, stop attacking others who dislike the ship, and for fucks sake, enough with hating people who dislike a character and/or ship.
#obey me#obey me diavolo#obey me lucifer#obey me ship#obey me dialuci#dialuci#obey me ship discussion
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Into the Black
Azizi divulges his upbringing and the horrors that came with it.
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I’ve debated sharing this on here because to be completely honest it’s very personal and not for everyone. I’ve decided to open up and share it anyway with the appropriate warnings. It’s no secret that I vent through my own ocs to explore the intense abuse I survived and this is one of those lore posts that delves into that.
Hopefully some of you will take the time to read it and if not I completely understand. It’s a long one and difficult to read in many ways I’m sure.
Gustav belongs to my boyfriend @wyvernrising!
Warnings: language, themes of parental abuse, drug/alcohol abuse mentions, and unpleasantness abound.
Pings: @fusefr @kattafr @stimmy-dragons
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They’re together for the night.
Himself, Gogo, and the Sub Rosa sent to protect them which includes his boyfriend Gustav. There’s an injury to his hand which isn’t self-inflicted but the product of his past come back to bite him in the ass today. Since then they’ve been sharing their stories to pass the time and ease the tension, getting to know each other better and well, now it’s his turn.
“You don’t have to share,” Gogo peeps up sympathetically, scooting closer so that their thighs are pressed together.
He already knows the truth, knows how hard this will be for Azizi to talk about.
Azizi waves a dismissive hand in the air, happily allowing Gus to take hold of the injured one and press a kiss to the knuckles. Some small part of him does care what they’ll think but it’s drowned out by the stubborn I don’t give a shit what you think of me attitude he’s spent a lot of time cultivating for himself.
“We’ll see about that,” he says, pouring himself a glass of wine.
He pauses, bottle in hand as his eyes land on Gustav’s glass. There’s still wine inside but he fills it back up to the top for him anyway. Whether he chooses to drink it or not is irrelevant. Maybe he doesn’t want him to; more wine for him.
Their previous compliments earlier in the night did not fall on deaf ears and bring a smile to his face when he remembers them.
“Ha! I am a pleasure to be around, aren’t I?” he chuckles, licking his teeth, “If I were a bore then I wouldn’t be netting as much dick as I am on the daily.”
It’s crude but true. He’s popular for a reason and part of it is his bombastic, nasty personality. Truth is sunshine and rainbows have no place in a brothel, no matter how hard Gogo tries to change that fact.
“But you’re right about what you all said,” he sighs, “It’s an ugly story, just like the rest of you have.”
For a solid few seconds he lapses into silence, picking through the pieces of his life inside his head like dusting off an old photo album. None of the pictures inside are things he wants to see, they’re kept in a box for a reason, after all.
“Where to begin?” he muses to himself, swirling the wine in his glass around, transfixed by the dark red liquid sloshing around the sides.
“Like Gustav and Gogo I was born in Neo Necropolis. The slummy part, obviously. My mother’s name was Tiwa but she went by Candy. If that doesn’t tip you off she was a stripper. A popular one, I was told.”
He stops to sip his drink, the mere mention of his mother’s name enough to elicit that response. Jesus. How long has it been since he said her name out loud?
“My father’s name was Ayoola but everyone called him Ayo,” Azizi continues, the wine burning all the way down his throat, “And his biggest claim to fame was his appetite for men and women. He frequented just about every brothel and strip club in a fifteen mile radius.”
Azizi looks up, eyes passing over everyone’s faces in favor of focusing on anything but.
“You can all put two and two together and figure out how my parents met,” he laughs without joy, “They were never married, of course, but they lived together and it wasn’t long before I was born. Not like they were kind of people to use protection, but I sort of wish they had.”
It’s a terribly dark thing to say and painfully true. Plenty of people in a bad situation have the same thought- I wish I was never born!- and he can’t count how many times he cursed the world for being forced into it.
“They fought all the time,” he says, recalling the first time he was old enough to understand the words they were yelling.
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”Get off of your ass and do something for once!” Tiwa screams at the top of her lungs, “I work my ass off on the pole every night and you can’t even get off the couch to get Zizi his breakfast? Pathetic!”
It's early. Early enough that the sun is only just coming up, bright light streaming in through the dingy window in his bedroom despite the tall buildings that surround their home. It’s not the first time he’s been woken up this early from his parents fighting. His mama is gone all night, returning every morning and sleeping most of the day away, but not before their daily fight.
Tail between his legs Azizi tiptoes quietly to the end of the short hallway, his little hands gripping the corner of the wall as he peeks out from behind it to see what’s going on.
”Oh, I’m pathetic?” Ayoola shouts back, “That’s rich coming from a pole crawler who calls herself Candy! The pipsqueak isn’t even up yet so fuck off to bed already and quit your yapping.”
Azizi can’t see them from where he’s standing so he lets go of the wall and steps into the living room, ducking back into the hallway as quietly as possible when he catches a glimpse of his father laid out on the sofa, beer bottle in hand.
”No Ayo YOU fuck off,” Tiwa says loudly from the kitchen, bone tired and her tail lashing behind her in anger. “I’m not dealing with this mess when I’ve been up all fucking night, do you hear me? I’m not your mother, I’m your girlfriend and I need your help. We’re barely getting by, for fuck sake. Just… try to be responsible for once in your miserable life. Please.”
”Jesus fucking christ Candy, get a grip,” Ayoola snorts nonchalantly, rolling over so that his face is pressed into the cushions of the couch, “I’ll do the dishes and get the brat his breakfast, alright? Will that shut you up?”
Tears in his eyes, Azizi shuffles off back to his bedroom and curls up on the small mattress laid on the floor of his tiny bedroom, pulling the blanket over his head. The shouting continues but it’s muffled through his hands over his ears and, after a little while, he falls back asleep.
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“It was really annoying,” he scoffs, “How they’d fight over just about everything. It was like they couldn’t help themselves. No matter how small the affront they would manage to find a way to turn it into something more.”
He’s getting off track.
Blinking away the memory like it’s nothing, Azizi drinks deeply from his glass and marches forward.
“Anyway,” he mutters, taking another small sip, “I was, hm, about eight or nine years old when my mother up and left. I can’t blame her, really. My father was a bum and an addict who brought other men and women home when she wasn’t around. More than once she walked in on him cheating on her and I guess that plus his allergy to contributing anything to the ‘family’ was enough to put the final nail in the coffin. We all have our breaking point.”
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”Where’s mama?” Azizi asks, tugging lightly on his father’s pant leg.
It’s midday and she hasn’t come home yet. Ayoola is passed out on the couch, his dirty hair sticking up in different directions, spit and booze drying in a crust at the corners of his mouth. He doesn’t respond right away. It takes Azizi asking the same question a few times before he’s finally roused awake.
”Huh?” he mumbles, cracking an eye open, “Oh. That.”
Ayoola doesn’t seem particularly worried about Tiwa’s absence, just slightly annoyed to have been woken up.
”She left,” he sneers, grunting with effort as he pushes himself up and grabs a crumpled piece of paper that had been wadded up underneath him. “Don’t worry, she’ll come crawling back eventually. Until then how about you go play or something. Daddy is trying to sleep off a cold.”
It would only be a couple more years before Azizi would realize that these frequent ‘colds’ were actually hangovers of varying degrees.
A week turns into a month, a few months turn into a year and Tiwa still hasn’t come back. Around the six month mark was when Azizi realized he would never see his mother again. In another three months he would grow angry and resentful, pounding his little fists into the floor because she left him behind.
She left him alone with HIM.
”That selfish bitch!” Ayo yells, putting another hole in the wall with his fist, blood seeping from between his fingers, “Leaving me to take care of you by my fucking self! How the hell am I supposed to do that, huh?! Tell me how! Where’s the money going to come from?! I’m sinking here! Do you know how many people I owe money to?”
Azizi sobs into his hands, tiny body curled up into a ball on the sofa as his father paces back and forth like a caged animal, ranting like a lunatic at the top of his lungs.
”I… I don’t know!” Azizi cries, far too young to understand all of the things his father is saying, “I’m sorry dad! I’m sorry!”
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“After Candy split the house chores fell to me,” Azizi murmurs darkly, setting his drink down to reach for another cigarette instead, “The cooking, cleaning… Him. Ayoola was a full time job. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I had to clean him up after a blackout. Put him on his side and make sure he wouldn’t throw up and drown in his own vomit.”
Azizi pauses, takes a drag from his cigarette and sighs.
“He drank and shot up so much that the floor was littered all over with the aftermath,” Azizi chuckles bitterly, “I’d have to wade through the filth being careful not to stab myself with a used needle, turn him over and check his pulse. Clean the puke off of him with a rag and then pick it all up.”
Gogo sniffles, rubbing his eyes dry on the back of his hand. It’s at this point that he wants to interrupt, to tell Azizi that he doesn’t have to go on if he doesn’t want to. But as if reading his mind, Azizi looks over at him and smiles sadly.
“It’s okay, Gogo,” he says as soothingly as he can manage, “I’m fine.”
Another pause as he tries to collect his thoughts, memories he wishes didn’t belong to him.
“As I got older we started to fight more and more,” Azizi murmurs, “At that point I really had replaced my mother in almost every way.”
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”Zi! That you?”
”Yeah, it’s me dad,” Azizi replies a little flippantly, “Who the fuck else would it be? One of your booty calls?”
Ayoola snorts with laughter, looking up at him as he walks into the room with bloodshot eyes.
”Have I ever told you that you look like your mother?”
Azizi rolls his eyes, arms crossed over his chest as he leans in the doorway.
”Yeah,” he answers flatly, “Like, fifty times this week.”
Ayoola nods sadly, head rolling to the side as he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep again.
Frowning, Azizi goes to his room.
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I won’t cry, Azizi thinks, he doesn’t deserve my tears.
“Eventually I ran away,” he informs them, unable to bring himself to give them the gorier details of his life, “And I went out with a bang.”
Chuckling softly at his own wording, Azizi brings the glass to his lips again.
“That makes it sound like I shot him dead,” he hums, “Sadly, I didn’t. We got into a fight, another bad one where he didn’t just use his words to berate me but his fists. I shoved him backwards, he shoved me harder, I slapped him, and he told me to get the fuck out of his house- I happily obliged.”
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”You!” Ayoola screams, following Azizi around the house as he does his best to get away from him, “Where do you think you’re going?! I’m talking to you! Where the fuck were you?! You knew you had a client coming over! You knew and you went out anyway- hey!”
His hand lashes out violently, grabbing Azizi by the arm and yanking him back.
”I’m not playing with you Zi!” Ayoola says, spittle flying and his teeth grinding together as he gets up in Azizi’s face, “You’re in big fucking trouble. If you’re going to live under this roof-”
”I don’t want to live under this roof!” Azizi screams back, slapping Ayoola in the face in an attempt to get him to let go, “I want to be as far away from you as humanly possible! You’re a fucking monster!”
Ayoola doesn’t hesitate to backhand him, the force of it throwing Azizi to the floor where he sits shocked and rubbing tenderly at his freshly bruised cheek.
”Then get the fuck out!” he shouts, jabbing a finger in Azizi’s face as he looms over him, “Leave! Just like your mother did! I’ve taken care of us for how long and you’re acting out like this because I ask you to do your part?! All you have to do is put out! Easiest fucking job on the planet!”
Azizi stares at him, dead behind the eyes as he’s yanked back up onto his feet and shoved hard against the kitchen wall, a hand around his throat.
”You hearin’ me? Answer me-”
Azizi screams, shoving his father back so hard that he trips over his own feet and falls backwards.
”Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” he wails, shoving past Ayoola and out the front door.
Ayoola gives chase, pausing in the open doorway to yell after him.
”Then go! Die on the street for all I care!”
He does not follow.
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“To make an already long story short,” he says, glancing over at Gustav and then quickly averting his eyes, “I spent a long time, years, on the street just like Gogo. I did what I knew how to do best. Eventually I ran into Chaka.”
At the mere mention of his name his blood runs cold, the events of his sad life replaying all over again. He handles it though, shoving it deep deep down inside himself where it belongs.
“He took me in off the streets you know. Well, for the most part anyway,” he admits, “There were plenty of times he’d leave me on a corner. To teach me a lesson, he’d say. I mean, I do have a reckless mouth so is that any surprise to you guys?”
He laughs humorlessly, eyes finding Gogo’s.
“But I met Gogo because of that,” he adds very fondly, “So hey. Silver-linings.”
Sighing deeply, Azizi downs the rest of his drink in one go.
“I’ll save the stuff with Chaka for another time,” he murmurs, “If I go into that right now we’ll be here all night. Needless to say I didn’t go down the best path after leaving that hellhole, but if I’m being honest I don’t regret it. Dealing with Chaka’s bullshit was a hell of a lot better than dealing with my old man’s.”
Despite his best efforts there’s a wet shine to his eyes now, but the tears don’t fall. Not even when the memories are threatening to choke the air out of his lungs.
“So, that’s part one of my story,” he says faux cheerfully, “Now you know I come from trash. Do with it what you will.”
End.
#flight rising lore#fr lore#lore: the velvet fang#azizi#my lore#sorry for any typos#this was a pain to format on here
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Queen of the Ashes | extended author’s notes
In which I delve into the themes, symbolism, and creation of my latest fic.
Foreword
I’ve been writing in the Hans/Elsa fandom since 2014 now, and yet, to my surprise, had never delved into the world of the “Hans with fire powers” genre. I’d enjoyed the art and fics for it, but didn’t have a good idea of what to write on the topic myself, though the idea percolated in my mind that I should, at some point, contribute to it. After bandying ideas back and forth with a friend off-Tumblr, the first line of the story came to me: “They met as children.”
Fics about Hans and Elsa meeting pre-Frozen are also common in the fandom, and to my mind, the notion that they would have met before completely changed how they would interact during the coronation sequence (and “every moment after,” as Hans might say himself). Add to that the notion that Hans, like Elsa, had secret powers – in addition to all their other shared experiences, which the fans elucidate through fics and art and posts – and it creates a new and tantalizing dynamic to tease out over the course of many chapters. It also begged the question, to me at least: even if they had met when they were kids, and realized some of their likenesses, could they still have successfully overcome their individual traumas as adults?
I had promised, for some time, that I would explain in full the background behind this fic, including symbols and themes which readers may have missed along the way. In particular, I am aware that the Epilogue may have unsettled or taken unaware some of them who had enjoyed the quasi-happy ending of the preceding chapter—a phenomenon which I was well aware might happen from the very beginning. It is therefore my hope that the following notes elucidate some of the mystery of the story, and why it ended the way it did. (And I’m tagging @yumi-michiyo, who helped me to summarize my thoughts more cleanly in discussing them with her.)
Theme: abuse (and its consequences)
There are many allusions in Queen of the Ashes to various types of abuse experienced by its main characters: parental and familial; physical and verbal; intentional and unintentional; organizational and relational. While some are described in an overt manner with little ambiguity, others are less obvious, but no less malicious in their impacts on the character.
When reading into the various traumas of the characters, it is easier to ascribe value judgments to the actions of certain characters over others. It would be difficult for anyone to argue that Hans’s father and brothers, for example, weren’t terribly abusive towards Hans; likewise, it would be hard to ignore that the insistence of Elsa’s parents for her to “conceal, don’t feel” had tangibly negative psychological consequences on their daughter, regardless of their good intentions. The consequences of such abuse on both characters are obvious: towards themselves and their powers, they are taught to feel fear, anxiety, discomfort, denial, and confusion; towards others, they can be perceived as childlike and their decisions arbitrary and cruel, cynical of the outside world, unable to trust, and blaming all else but themselves for their troubles.
On the flip side, the abuse which Hans then inflicts on Elsa – pursuing her in spite of her telling him to leave (on multiple occasions), leveraging family connections (Anna) to pressure her into speaking and meeting with him, taking advantage of her self-doubt and fear to convince her to trust only him, lying to her about his true nature and his past misdeeds, pressuring her to continue hiding her powers up until and even after they are married – is in many ways subtler, disguised as him trying to help her accept her powers and herself (even as he tells her that no one else will accept or understand her, except him). They are also characteristic of the deceptions deployed by the character in canon to achieve his objectives, even if they were, originally, used on Anna (whom he also lies to in this story, for other reasons).
It is understandably harder to view Hans’s actions in the same light as those of his parents, or her parents, as we are led to believe that he truly does care about Elsa in this story, and feels a special kinship with her on account of their shared miseries and strengths. I am not here to say definitively, one way or the other, if he cares about her or doesn’t; that is always up to the readers to decide. The point is rather to illuminate how difficult it can be to tell deceptions from truth when the deceptions are told from a sympathetic perspective, and when the deceptions appear to be borne from circumstances so harrowing and tragic that the readers might be inclined to forgive them their trespasses against other characters.
When viewed in the context of their upbringings, we can more clearly see the full cycle of abuse: that which was perpetrated against our protagonists, and that which they, in turn, can and do perpetrate against each other. In attempting to break this cycle, and start a new life with Elsa, Hans ends up playing into similar patterns of manipulation and coercion with her, her family, and her people which he had internalized over many years of suffering the same. Whether he does this on purpose or inadvertently is up for interpretation, but still beside the point, which is: in trying to be the opposite of his family, and then in killing that family, he begins to resembles them.
Theme: perspective
As in several other of my fics released over the last few years, this story experiments with narrative and perspective, describing to the audience the events of the story through only one character per chapter. For the majority of the story, we are shown events from Elsa’s perspective (Chapters 2-8 and 10), and given special insight into her years of isolation and accompanying mental distress. No other character is allotted as much time and room to think and develop and reflect on everything that is happening to them, as Elsa is; and yet, at the same time, we are rarely allowed all the way in to see and know her thoughts in each moment beyond the whispers of “conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show” that echo through her mind, in empty rooms, and from her own lips.
We are mostly shown her reactions to things that are happening to or around her, and given vague descriptions otherwise about “off-screen” moments like meetings or public hearings where her attention is not fully present. Upon a second reading, it might become more difficult to be certain about what exactly is going through her mind, especially towards the end in Chapter 10 and the Epilogue (in which we are removed from her perspective entirely, and see her only as Hans does).
In Chapters 1, 9, and the Epilogue, by contrast, we are shown events from Hans’s perspective: as a child, then chronologically from childhood through adulthood, and finally just after he is crowned King of Arendelle and married to Elsa. We first meet Elsa and Anna through his eyes and experience his pain, though the source of it is not confirmed until later in the story. When we finally learn about his powers through the confrontation with Elsa in Chapter 8, we are briefly allowed back into his perspective in Chapter 9 in order to experience his ordeals and better understand his motivations.
With so little “screen time,” however, it is difficult to know or understand Hans in the same way we think we do Elsa. We trust him when Elsa does (or perhaps before, if we are sympathetic to the child Hans from Chapter 1), and believe that his version of events as recounted in Chapter 9 must be true and accurate due to their disturbing nature. Even when we are presented with evidence which suggests that his actions aren’t as pure and good as they seem (see notes on the symbolism of roses, apples, and gloves below), we are unlikely to question the validity of his memories and intentions towards Elsa, since, as the victim of severe abuse, we cannot fathom that he would inflict the same on someone he appears and claims to deeply cares for.
It is easy to forget, in these switching perspectives, the complexity and development of the characters, and how certain aspects from earlier on in the story – such as Elsa’s initial suspicion of Hans and his motives – might return even after the “happy ending” of Chapter 10. A common critique of romantic comedies (and Disney movies) is that they end just as the relationship is about to begin—the relationship being the more difficult part of the story to explain and understand, with less romance and more compromise and bargaining.
The Epilogue therefore serves as an antidote to this trope in asking: what would actually happen after Hans and Elsa came together? How would he publicly court her, given his sour reputation? How would he help her to control her powers, while still keeping them (and his own) a secret, and convincing her to do the same? If they decided to get married, how could they continue to keep it a secret? Could Elsa ever truly forgive and forget Hans’s past misdeeds, and cover up his crimes in perpetuity?
And, perhaps, the kicker: Did Hans ever really care for, or love, Elsa during the course of the story—or does he just see her as an extension of himself and his own trauma? Did Elsa love him in return? Can there be love without trust?
It is impossible to answer these questions wholly when the chapter is presented only from Hans’s perspective, as it is; and even if it were from Elsa’s, we would still be missing half the story. In place of seeing both points of view at once, we are left to put the pieces together ourselves of what happened in the year between Chapter 10 and the Epilogue, relying on our knowledge of both characters’ actions from earlier chapters in the story to make sense of their final decisions and feelings.
Symbolism: roses
Roses play an important symbolic role in the story, and feature both in Chapter 6, during Hans and Elsa’s conversation in the rose garden of the castle in Arendelle, as well as in the Epilogue, wherein Hans offers Elsa a rose made of flames during his proposal (which she then turns into ice).
Hans, comparing Elsa to a rose in Chapter 6, frames it thusly:
“You know, Elsa,” he began, “roses are actually rather difficult to grow. The conditions have to be just right, with plenty of sunshine, well-drained soil, and in areas free from pests, since they’re so susceptible to disease. Without regular attention, it’s unlikely they’d survive.” He eyed her pointedly as he added: “So it’s a wonder that these are still here, and blooming as beautifully as they are.”
The unspoken implication of this analogy is that Elsa, as a delicate and fragile flower, must be taken care of and tended to. Thus, the paternalistic warning underlying his speech is that she will decay without proper handling, and that he is the one who can handle her. Even when Elsa rejects this perspective and the analogy itself (“I’m not a rose, Hans. I don’t require sunlight, or pruning, or ‘regular attention’ to endure”), a feminist reading of this scene might say that he still forces her to take on the feminine duty of caring for him when he plucks the rose from the bush in order to make his point, reinforcing the dominance of the male gaze and viewpoint during this scene.
Likewise, his traditional proposal to her as described in the Epilogue, even with the untraditional aspect of his created rose of flame, could be interpreted as him delineating their roles in their future married life together—with Elsa’s ice solidifying this arrangement. In both chapters, Hans is literally leading Elsa “down the primrose path”: showing her what a world wherein she is free from fear and doubt would look like, but only if she puts her trust in him, and discards the memories of and attachment to her deceased parents. (The idiom itself refers to leading a life of leisure and sin in place of morality and good judgment, and so you can see its application here. You are all also more than entitled to feel that I, as the author, also led you down the “primrose path” in the sudden atmospheric shift between Chapter 10 and the Epilogue.)
Symbolism: apple
Similar to the rose, the apple featured in Chapter 7 is an explicit nod not only to the temptation of Eve in the Garden of Eden – and the accompanying downfall of mankind – but also to many other stories of temptation leading to damnation, such as Snow White.
As Hans points out in his speech to Elsa:
“Fine things, apples, when they’re ripe like this. Beautiful, even—your mouth waters just looking at it, thinking about how sweet or tart it might be. But then […] You see something like this, and even though you want to take a bite out of it, you think, ‘well, I’d better just check.’ So you take out a knife and cut it open,” he said, and dug both of his thumbs into the side where the hole was. “And what do you find? […] Nothing but a rotten, brown core,” he continued, a sigh escaping his lips as he gazed into the fruit’s ruined interior.
[…]
“I know that the memories of your parents are precious to you,” he murmured, his grasp soft, “and I don’t mean to deny you them. I only ask you to question what happened—to ask yourself what good it did you to be kept inside all these years, separated from your sister. And all because of what? You hurt her once, when you didn’t know any better,” he said, “and they made you pay for it, for every moment after. But you shouldn’t have to anymore.”
While he is making the analogy in order to imply that Elsa’s parents, though well-intentioned, still raised her within an immoral and abusive environment, the apple also serves to illustrate the darker side of Hans’s own behavior and speech. On the surface, he is trying to help Elsa remove the “rose-colored lenses” through which she still views her parents, and to see her powers as a gift and not a curse; but as he grabs her hand and pressures her to listen to him (“The juice from the putrid core of the apple oozed out from his fingers onto the back of her hand, and she grimaced, the sensation causing her skin to go cold”), the graphic description of the decay, corruption, and stench of the apple implies that he, too, may be acting from less than noble motives.
Symbolism: gloves
Perhaps the most obvious symbolism in any Frozen fanfic dealing extensively with Elsa’s and Hans’s emotional trauma relates to their gloves. What does it mean when the characters are wearing them, or when they’re not wearing them?
These questions have been analyzed pretty thoroughly in various Tumblr posts over the years, and I don’t want to belabor the point by adding on to them. In no uncertain terms, the wearing of the gloves relates to deception, manipulation, control, and fear, while not wearing them relates to the release of inhibitions, and being one’s true self. The former is evident in Elsa’s coronation sequence in the first film (as well as in this story), as well as during the original Hans villain reveal scene. The latter is evident in the most famous sequence and song from the film, “Let It Go.”
In this story, however, the roles are somewhat reversed: where in the original film Hans wore his gloves up until he was revealed to be the “big baddie,” he doesn’t wear them at all in this fic except for in flashbacks (Chapter 1 and Chapter 9, respectively), and in the Epilogue. Meanwhile, Elsa is gloved for almost the entirety of the story, with only short instances of being ungloved (in Chapters 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10). Until the Epilogue, almost all of these instances occur due to her interactions with Hans; whether from pressure or curiosity or affection, she reveals her hands to him and him only, deepening their connection and her confidence in him with each new physical encounter.
Unlike the film, moreover, this story does not tie honesty to being ungloved: Hans goes the majority of the fic without them, and is lying to Elsa about his powers up until Chapter 9. Instead, he uses the seemingly improper visage of his bare hands to his advantage in gaining Elsa’s trust, showing her that he trusts her by touching her skin directly—and that she can (and should) trust him.
When Hans’s deception is revealed in Chapter 9, rather than the gloves being an obvious marker of his villainy that the reader can point to, their absence reinforces his power over Elsa. It is a literal “sleight of hand” he performs by demonstrating the extent to which he has gained control over his own powers in comparison to her, as she still struggles to maintain the veneer of “normalcy” in her day to day life. He convinces Elsa, and therefore many readers who see themselves in her character, that he was dishonest for “good” reasons; his hands, bare as before, do not hide anything from her (and us, by extension).
This is turned on its head in the Epilogue, wherein we learn, thanks to Elsa’s observation, that he is wearing his gloves again:
“You’re wearing gloves,” she observes, ignoring his question.
He stifles a swallow. “It’s the least I could do, on such an auspicious day,” he replies, struggling to keep his smile in place. “It would look odd to have bare hands for our wedding, after all.”
Suspicion flashes across her gaze at the answer, but she says nothing, looking back at the dance floor. She watches her sister with something between longing and regret, though the emotions are so fleeting that the king cannot be sure if he saw them at all.
The implication is that by putting his gloves back on, Hans has committed himself – and Elsa, who shares similar abilities – to a future of continued deception and manipulation, never revealing the truth about himself and his powers to the public. In Hans’s weak reply and Elsa’s sharp and suspicious look at him (not to mention her own, bare hands) afterwards, we can surmise that she has already realized this. In her quoting back to him the lines he once told her (““I do. But love… isn’t always good”) and rejecting his overtures of affection, we can see that she will not accept such a fate for herself.
The notion that she rejects his beliefs and worldview might have profound, if unseen, consequences for the story. Will she follow the path of her character in canon, freezing over Arendelle and retreating to her palace of ice and snow? Will she reveal her powers - and his - to the public? Will she tell Anna what really happened to them as children? The possibilities are endless, but the core message of the story is the same: the truth will always come out.
Concluding thoughts
It’s undeniable that I tend to write tragic or “angsty” stories compared to the rest of the fandom (and in particular the Hans/Elsa fandom), though I’d like to think my stories provide a space for those who are interested in exploring that darker side of the story. The purpose of the ending is not to upend what came before for the sake of “staying the course” in this genre, or playing to my strengths as a writer within it. Rather, it is to make the reader think more carefully about the nature of Hans and Elsa’s interactions, the nature of their relationship, and the nature of abuse itself, including all the insidious and subtle forms it might take.
This is not to say that the ending implies anything one way or the other, in terms of their feelings for one another. One reader might see Hans as a true “knight in shining armor” saving Elsa from the gaslighting of her past, while another might see him as gaslighting Elsa. Another might still see how they lie to each other about their beliefs and pasts, and their feelings around both, and think the relationship is doomed to fail as a result. And that is the true purpose of this story: it is meant to leave us wondering how love can survive without truth, and if the characters would ever be able to overcome their past trauma individually, much less together.
#QueenoftheAshesFrozen#frozen#frozen fanfiction#helsa#frozen symbolism#this was not intended to be so long#I just had a ton of thoughts to share#hope this is helpful for all readers#and maybe fic writers too!
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Taylor Swift: Art Historian
All my art historian acquaintances might hate me for this title because their job is *incredibly* serious, but I don’t like most of them anyways.
Anyways, it is my belief that Taylor has incorporated many references to art and literature within reputation and Lover, particularly in the music videos for each album cycle. To the extent that I wonder if all this time she has secretly been getting her B.A. in English Lit...or she is making her way through all the Great Courses.
That is all to say...the music video Easter eggs aren’t merely cats and 13′s. Sometimes they are, I don’t know...diptychs of the Apocalypse.
Here is perhaps the most iconic (and brilliant, imo) image of the “Look What You Made Me Do” music video. Sear it into your memory before we proceed (if Taylor and Joseph Kahn haven’t already done it for you by producing a work of art so brilliant that you can’t stop watching on repeat.)
Okay, when I first saw the video, I thought, “That’s a play on some painting I can’t remember.” I tried to look for it when beginning my research for this blog, but I couldn’t find it for the life of me. Was I making it up? No, my co-author swore it was inspired by a painting. My mom did too. Finally we came up with this, Jan van Eyck’s The Last Judgment, painted in 1441 and 1442. It hangs at...the Metropolitan Museum of Art. AND it was profiled in the New York Times on Feb. 2, 2016, when the painting was part of a special exhibition at the Met. Of course, Taylor was gearing up to help host the Met Gala in the spring too.
The painting is a diptych, meaning it has two panels, so focus on the right panel.
I’ll zoom in for ya on a relevant section
Feel a bit familiar? Here’s a later painting inspired by this one that has even more of the same feel as the music video:
(This is Peter Paul Rubens’ The Last Judgment.)
Anyways, there are a couple other paintings I found by Rubens on the same topic with similar compositions...writhing bodies attempting to climb upwards but falling down instead.
(Also, I’m sorry you had to see those fairly disturbing images up close.)
At the top of the painting sits Christ overseeing the aforementioned judgment.
Here we see the cross that shows up in LWYMMD, plus the image of someone standing above mountain, almost blissfully unaware of the drama and turmoil going on beneath.
What gets more interesting is this figure in the middle of the painting, below Christ but above the hellscape.
So it’s an angel cutting down anyone who has been condemned to hell, preventing them from reaching the light of day and the love of Christ.
I freaked out when I noticed this angel because...
Exhibit #1: End Game music video
Exhibit #2: reputation magazine
The colors in this look the most similar to the angel in the painting, and the hair is even done the same. I have a theory that the different photos in the reputation magazine are different characters or people discussed in the song corresponding to that page in the other edition of the magazine.
She also is in the same pose as the figure on the top of Taylor Mountain.
Exhibit #3: Karlie Kloss walking in Alexander McQueen Spring/Summer 2008 show
Kloss named this as one of her favorite runway shows in an interview with British Vogue in 2019. She also shared that she lit her robe on fire by accident backstage, and put this particular dress on the wrong way round and had to switch it last minute. Feels like the kind of story you would tell at every party you went to.
So basically we have a rainbow angel who ruins people’s lives.
Alrighty. Let’s delve into why I think Taylor used this imagery. As a disclaimer, this is just my analysis, and you can take it or leave it. I’ve put hours of thought and research into this because I’m unemployed and in quarantine, so I’m not just pulling this out of my ass, but I’m also not Taylor, so nothing I say is gospel truth.
Analysis
My theory is that the figure at the top of Taylor Mountain is standing in for the roles that Christ and the archangel are playing in the painting. The figure--we’ll call her Rep--is essentially condemning all the Old Taylors to no longer see the light of day (or come to the phone.) The archangel in the van Eyck painting prevents people from ascending out of hell while Christ is presumably the one who condemned the people to hell and now stands above all, nonplussed.
But in an interesting twist, Rep stretches her arms out to crucify herself as she shouts, “bad dreams!” At this, the Old Taylors begin falling off the mountain, and we get the iconic “the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now” line. Not coincidentally, the other panel of the van Eyck painting depicts Jesus’ crucifixion.
Why is the crucifixion part significant beyond just being a perfect transition in the music video? First off, it obviously points to the younger Taylor being sacrificed unjustly. A theme of reputation and Lover seems to be remorse for losing Taylor’s sense of self and a desire to shift her focus from the trappings of fame to the people who truly care about her. Many people interpreted this song as Taylor announcing that she was a new “bad girl” Taylor, shunning sparkle guitars, unrequited love, and general girl-next-door vibes (which would be a shame because these are some of the best things in life.) But I think this video and album are more retrospective than active. That is to say that Taylor is realizing that she lost her old self in the years prior to reputation, and now she regrets that they can’t come to the phone.
Beyond that, I think the crucifixion moment in the video points to the idea of being a martyr--and not in a good way. This ties into my theory that all of the characters in the video that aren’t a specific Old Taylor (from Taylor’s music videos, tours) are actually meant to be Karlie Kloss. I have one other post about this on my blog now, and I intend to write more.
So let’s say it’s Karlie standing on the top of Taylor Mountain (and saying the old Taylor can’t come to the phone.) She essentially crucifies herself, making herself a martyr--someone who was killed unjustly. In my ongoing analysis of the album, I think this ties in to the song “So it Goes...” in which Taylor sings, “Come here dressed in black now / Scratches down your back now.” While this is generally interpreted to be a sexual scene, I think it depicts Karlie coming back to Taylor after the two have had a falling out, and acting like she is the victim in the relationship (black being a color of mourning) and that Taylor inflicted pain on her (scratches down her back.)
What’s more is that scratches down her back ties in with the crucifixion/martyrdom idea...Jesus was whipped/flogged before being crucified, which obviously leaves notable scars that would not look dissimilar to scratches. So basically Karlie is acting like a martyr and a victim in the relationship, when, according to Taylor in the LWYMMD video’s narrative, Karlie was the one who helped “kill” Taylor’s true self.
Plus, the video also implies that Karlie exploited her relationship with Taylor for fame and financial gain and became controlling and even tried to sabotage Taylor’s relationship with Tom by calling the paps on them. Sounds like a pretty toxic relationship, and people who are emotionally abusive often use the tactic of flipping the script on the person confronting them.
I know these are harsh accusations, but they’re in the video just beneath the surface concept of “look at all these controversies.” The more I delve into the album, the more I see that Taylor is trying to process her toxic relationship with Karlie even more than her breakup with Tom. (Sorry, no Joe.) I’ll be writing more posts to explain all this, but keep an open mind. I think Taylor hid a lot in reputation and Lover that we haven’t necessarily unearthed yet.
#taylor swift#reputation#look what you made me do#jan van eyck#peter paul rubens#swifties#taylor and karlie#kaylor
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In Resilience. Love, Me
Dear fellow survivor of abuse,
I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Wasn't sure when to bring it up or when we’d meet but I'd rather we had this on the table before hand. Let's face it. We're both dealing with different triggers, yet to understand them fully and that means we may not always hear what is intended when talking in person. This could mean arguments and fights even. It may not always be the case. But even if it is, that doesn't make me wary or less keen on being around you. Doesn't mean I won’t be as honest with you as I was before either. But I do worry about hurting you. As I type this out, I hold on to my faith that we will always orbit back to each other. I'm writing this email from two places - one of concern and the other of familiarity.
I’m trying to find the right balance - such that I don’t sound like I’m making this about my experiences. Because I know what you’re going through and I know how an experience like that alters a mind. Throughout this message, you’ll probably have voices saying variations of "everything isn't like it is for you” or "do you not think I already know these things" or “I cannot burden others with my grief”. I know where these voices come from. If this pisses you off, I'm willing to deal with that. I'm not going anywhere. I just want to push you to start healing - before it becomes more difficult - and in time it does because more time means more to unpack.
I want to share some things that therapy has allowed me to see. And in turn helped me a lot. Whether you agree or not, is your call. If you feel this is a sort of imposition by me - you can ignore it too.
I will never be the person to force a timeline on how someone deals with their trauma and when. But I know signs of anxiety based in trauma well. The first step is to truly accept it happened. You know it did and you are angry about it when triggered. This isn’t the same as accepting that it has inflicted trauma. And you are aware of this too. I see you feeling ashamed about it having affected you - emotionally and otherwise. I see you being unable to talk about it in a normal conversational setting - because you feel it is something you can/should only deal with alone or that it would "spoil" the day for others. I see you bring up how it's affected your equation with men but not actually acknowledge it such that you're gentle with yourself - you either brush it away or get mad at yourself. I could be horribly wrong, if so, correct me.
What happened with you was not your fault
What happened with you was not anything you could have been prepared for or avoided or handled better on that day
What happened with you was the result of a soulless, vile animal taking without caring for how and from whom he took.
You are still the most loving, resilient, strong person that you can be. What happened with you does not, will not define all of you. But it will affect you and it will take conscious work to move out of that lens. There will be some behavioural changes that you cannot immediately have control on. This is what trauma does. Accepting this does not make you weaker. It only makes you stronger for seeing it and pushing through life. If you don't accept that you have been affected in small and big ways - all help, well-intentioned ones even, will feel like an attack and lead you to spiral. But more importantly, acceptance is the actual start of healing (cliches are true what can I say). I hope you know none of the people in your life that you have trusted with this - see you as weaker. Our actions of wanting to be there are a response to seeing a loved one in pain - and not because we feel “you can't handle things alone anymore'. We may get it wrong a few times - what to say, how to be - but we will keep trying.
Abuse, when it happens, puts on this invisible filter that survivors can only feel during panic attacks but is always on. It's there when we hear someone's concerns as an attack on us. It's there when we find ourselves questioning why we deserve someone's support or time or why anyone should make the effort to stand by and support us when we know we're going to have many, many more breakdowns. It's there when we feel more abandoned by our people than usual. It's there when we decide to delve into work - look at work as the one thing that defines us and champions us because it's the one space that is unaffected. But what happens then is we don't cut ourselves slack - we hold ourselves to impossible standards and don't allow for humanity with ourselves. Our sense of validation depends solely on these benchmarks we've set for ourselves. Seeking validation isn't something to be ashamed of - it's human nature. But when it’s coming from a place of trauma - it is very, very important that you're gentle with yourself in the process.
I just want to let you know - that when you are ready, and whenever that is - we can talk about the options for action. If you want to take any. But as of right now, I need you to take care of yourself. I feel that seeing a therapist will be immensely helpful for you. It will help you navigate your experience in healthy and safe ways. And be it the guilt, the shame or the anger - a professional will help you handle it better.
This is all I wanted to say. We don’t need to go through a one-on-one conversation that may put you in discomfort. We don’t need to speak of any of this at all. I mean it when I say - I will be there for you when you need me to. To the best of my abilities - and in whatever capacity you need me to.
In Resilience.
Love,
Me
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So,
It may be one of our country’s most iconic pastimes, but since 2012 the number of players registered with Hockey Canada has dropped by over 200,000. With controversies around concussion protocols, headline-making fist fights between parents in the stands and an increasing awareness of the toxic culture that sometimes permeates kids’ ice-time, it’s little wonder the national sport organization is going to extreme lengths to give their pastime a makeover.
In her memoir Home Ice: Confessions of a Reluctant Hockey Mom, Fernie writer Angie Abdou shares the story of watching her son Ollie become a hockey player. A naturally artistic and empathetic preteen, he struggles to make a place for himself at the rink while she watches anxiously from the stands. With a keenly watchful mother’s eye, she picks apart the traditional thinking of those immersed in that world, advocates for her kid and envisions a better way forward. She questions the wisdom of having athletes specialize in one sport early, decries the cruelty of cutting young players from the team and wonders aloud if there’s a way to limit the violence.
“We have elevated sports into a cultural religion,” she writes. “I know how tied up one’s identity can get with success in sport. I know how all-consuming that focus on gold can be. I worry about the transition to post-sport life.”
But this isn’t an anti-hockey screed, as you might assume from reading the opening few chapters. Rather, this is a call to arms for parents to embrace large-scale culture change, focusing on participation and fun rather than competition. She envisions a future for hockey culture that is more inclusive and less fixated on the outcome of reaching the NHL.
According to Hockey Canada’s website, their chances aren’t very good anyway: only 1 in every 4000 players makes the cut.
A contemporary Colosseum
There have been a lot of negative headlines in the hockey world lately, with news of Calgary Flames coach Bill Peters using the “N-word” towards a player, Don Cherry getting fired for making remarks about immigrants and and numerous reports of violent hazing and racist bullying coming from the locker room. Writer and broadcaster Waubgeshig Rice recently shared on Twitter that he was routinely subject to racist taunts, and many others have come out with their stories of abuse.
A few years ago I took a job as a general assignment reporter for the Nelson Star, and ended up covering a local boys’ league called the Leafs. Headed by a belligerent bully coach who would ultimately be fired, the team was a breeding ground for macho entitlement and unnecessary cruelty. I was shocked to learn that the American teams they were playing still had racist names, like the Spokane Braves, and I marvelled at the Colosseum vibe in the arena as they banged their sticks against the boards and shouted epithets at the kids on ice. My distaste for the sport was at its zenith.
When I first picked up Home Ice, I was relieved to find that I wasn’t the only one disgusted by the current state of the sport and questioning whether things could be done better. And as I delved into the pages, following Abdou’s experience shepherding Ollie through a sometimes hostile environment, I found many of my particular issues being addressed head-on. If hockey culture is ever going to evolve from its barbaric past, it’s going to take buy-in from pretty much everyone: spectators, parents, players and coaches. Just as Rome’s gladiator fights have been phased out and replaced, it’s time for hockey culture to invest real time and money into making their sport appropriate for the present day.
And once I started spelunking around the Hockey Canada website, checking out the many ambitious initiatives they have underway to radically tweak the culture, I was heartened to find out they haven’t been sitting on their hands —just the opposite. Long before Abdou’s book was released, they knew they had to alter course. But like trying to turn a giant steamship, it’s not as easy as a quick pivot. Instead it requires diligent long-term attention from professionals who care about the well-being of the athletes.
Reasons to hope
In Home Ice, Abdou explores the consequences the Graham James sex scandal had on her brother Justin Abdou.
“In my story, my brother sidestepped any true ugliness. In my story, my brother saw James for what he was and knew enough to steer clear … The subtext implies that the sort of horror inflicted on Theo Fleury and the other players under James’ charge happens to people different from us, people less alert, less strong,” she writes, before learning the truth —that her brother had narrowly avoided being sexually assaulted by him as a teen.
“Let’s revise my history then: my heroic brother — who brings to mind my own son in a way I find very uncomfortable — was never immune from this particular personification of evil.”
But there is also reason to hope that the culture is improving, epitomized by the work Sheldon Kennedy and his organization Respect Group are doing to talk about subjects that were formerly verboten. By providing mandatory e-learning resources and launching campaigns to raise awareness about abuse, he’s working to ensure that organizations don’t create the sort of toxic, abusive environments that he grew up in. Part of that means establishing safeguards to ensure predators can’t take advantage of those less powerful than they are.
And even in Nelson, where I was initially horrified by the culture I experienced, progress is being made to create a more inclusive and supportive culture. One of the coaches, Sean Dooley, has championed a mental health program called Breakout that aims to disrupt these unhealthy cycles. Having experienced abuse that led to destructive behaviours in his own life, he’s now on the frontlines of making things better for his players. The more Sean Dooleys and Sheldon Kennedys we have in the world, and the less Graham James, the better our hockey system will become.
Something you can’t have
As hockey culture improves, one thing that needs to be addressed is accessibility. Abdou notes that it’s a rich person’s sport, historically inaccessible to people of a lower income. Even innovative programs that aim to foster inclusion often fall short. In Home Ice she writes about one such program, First Shift, which bankrolls the kids’ first years in the sport but then doesn’t continue into the rest of their career.
“First Shift gives these kids a taste of the sport: here is something you can’t have … it’s become a cheque-book sport available only to the well off,” she writes. “Research shows that … ninety percent of Canadian children miss out on the benefits of the sport and participating in the culture of hockey so synonymous with Canadian.”
This is a hurdle that many within the system are trying to address, but progress has been slow. Those who love the sport would like to see as many people involved as possible, from every facet of society, but don’t know how to bankroll that. In order to change this, and to address the many issues the hockey world is facing, some organizations have gotten proactive about making incremental changes to their systems. That includes BC Hockey.
“There’s a lot of traditional thought processes in hockey culture, and many people feel that things have always been done a certain way and there’s been a success to it. But at the same time we can sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture and it is important to embrace new ideas,” said BC Hockey’s Vice President of Programs Sean Raphael.
The way Raphael imagines it, we’ll be studying the successes of their institutional makeover to see the impact on an entire generation of kids. This information will be crucial for organizations as they make decisions moving forward.
“Overall long-term athlete development is a general concept that doesn’t just apply to hockey, it applies to all participants’ lives and their physical development. It may differ from one sport to the next, but I think the general concept of developing the overall athlete is a good place to start.”
Mobilizing solutions
At last year’s Sport for Life Canadian Summit, Abdou shared with delegates from across the country and did a reading of Home Ice. She was invited with the hope that her observations could be a catalyst for change. And though some of her opinions may have come across as incendiary or controversial, she was embraced by representatives from the hockey world largely because they agreed with her verdicts. They know concussions are a problem, they know bullying and racism are a problem, and they know there are better ways to implement the long-term development framework. Change takes time, but at least they’re getting started.
In an environment that sometimes rejects outside-the-box thinking, Abdou’s contribution was a breath of fresh air that had a large impact for those in attendance. They saw that she wasn’t only identifying problems; she was also offering solutions. By championing Kaizen, which means ceaseless self-improvement, she has given Hockey Canada deep analysis from outside their system that has the potential to create real change.
Next up: the hard work of putting her suggestions into action.
The Literary Goon
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Finnrey, Reylo, and Goddamn Human Decency
Okay, so let’s sit down and dissect the situation since my buddo, Sithskywalker, has only been met with harassment in her attempts to do so. Initially, I was going so ask that we try and settle this but frankly and ashamedly towards y’all, I know that that is an impossible task to expect.
Let’s start with something simple before we get into the complexities of this entire Reylo/Finnrey debacle: Reylo is, at best, problematic. At worst (of which it is most often appearing to lean toward in my observation), Reylo is ignorant in the lightest term that I can think of. Now, the beautiful thing about ignorance isn’t always intentional; in these cases, it is obliviousness and, if the oblivious one is willing, this can be adjusted. But in more commonly observed cases, the ignorance I’m seeing is done out of spite and with an intention to inflict pain or disturbance. And no, don’t go “Just let me ship it!” or “It’s my freedom to ship it!” or “But did you see the way he – ” No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There’s a myriad of issues surrounding the Reylo situation on a scale regarding what a healthy relationship is, regarding race, and your own personal consideration for your fellow man as well as the films this entire fandom is based around. If you stick around, great. If you’re seeing the same things you’ve heard before, then maybe the problem isn’t the fact that you need a billion reasons to cut through your skull. Also, trigger warning for rape, abuse, and racism
Abuse: I’m going to say this right upfront and now: I have never been in an abusive relationship, nor have I survived sexual assault. I’m lucky. I am blessed. But my experience isn’t everybody else’s. therefore, it’s important to consider the situations of those who haven’t gone through life without an invasion of personal space or emotional boundaries. If you don’t believe me, look at the media: We’re constantly smitten with the guy who “takes what he wants” and can literally shove the object of his affection against a wall and suction his face to hers. This is often done during the “chase” stage and while many (including myself) buy into it at first, if you take a moment to step back and actually analyze the situation, it’s actually disturbing. I could probably write a good page or two on just how the media practically contorts and romanticizes some actually abusive traits but I’m already on this bad boy.
But the point is, when you take Kylo Ren’s actions out of context and mix it with the whole “rough-loving bad boy” persona we’ve been spoon-fed since God knows when, it’s easy to contort it into something appealing. But for some people, it’s not. For some, seeing Rey get smacked against a tree can bring back literally painful reminders. Seeing him trying to basically mentally manipulate isn’t an opportunity for him to read her mind about how she’s “totes thinking he’s a hottie” so then they start making out or whatever. To be frank, romanticizing this situation was under absolutely no intention of the director, screenwriter, producer, etc. It’s exactly as it’s meant to be: hostile, ambitious, and nasty as it should be between enemies. Nothing more, nothing less.
However, it appears too many people refuse to understand this or even begin to fathom it. Furthermore, they actually take it upon themselves to harass those who express discomfort over people making goo-goo eyes at what can practically be a reminder for a very dark time for them. Someone I loved had PTSD and I can attest to this just by observing him: That shit does stuff to you. You can still smile, you can still laugh. You can even go on with your life and do what people expect you to do i.e. go to school, get a job, maybe even start a family if you so please it. But trust me: It doesn’t leave you. You can’t “get over” something that hits you so hard that it streaks right down into your soul. I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like. Many people can’t.
But it’s for that very reason that you have no right to march up to somebody who has it and tell them to “suck it up.” Because if you’re telling them to suck up something that has impacted them for the rest of their lived, then you should certainly be able to suck up criticism over a fictional relationship that you will probably forget about once you realize that shipping doesn’t pay the bills or help take care of student loans. You can’t be petty over something that’s literally hurting somebody else, it makes you look like a disgusting waste of human. Especially since we’re entering an age where the goddamn assigned leader of this forsaken country has very likely committed those acts upon others, is getting away with it, and is basically doing every and all things that he and his stooges can to assure that it keeps happening. You know that thing that a girl in Africa made? That sorta condom-like thing with teeth that goes inside her and will shred the dick of any man that tries to put it inside her without her consent? If you don’t and want to know why this isn’t a thing here, it’s because it’s illegal in the U.S. It’s literally seen as a form of torture. So a man’s pride and literal junk is worth protecting more than a woman’s safety. Yeah.
But I digress: Reylo has no bones to form a healthy relationship. Stop acting as though it does. Because what does have a proper foundation is Finnrey. Which leads us to …
Race: Disclaimer, I think both John Boyega and Adam Driver are fine men. Both physically and based on their personalities. I harbor no ill will toward Adam, nor any favoritism towards John. I don’t even really ship anyone! However, this is something that needs to be said because after the bullshittery I’ve seen go down on buddo’s blog, I felt it needed to be done. But geez, where do I even begin to delve into a centuries old and ongoing system bent and formed to assure Caucasian superiority on an educational, residential, aesthetic, etc. level? Hmmm … I guess, once again, we’ll start with something simple: Why is Finnrey superior not by opinion, but by overall character?
Let’s see … Finn is Rey’s first ever friend, by meeting him she was able to eventually come to terms with the reality of her situation, thereby meeting Luke (whom is 98.99% likely to be the father she had been missing), they shared an experience, they protect each other, they care for each other, Finn literally risks death just to get her back and she picks up a weapon she previously wanted nothing to do with to assure that he couldn’t get hurt anymore, and, most important of all, they goddamn respect one another. I’m not going to bring in the fact that it’s all but canon now because honestly, it shouldn’t be this hard to express the characteristics of what can present a decent foundation for a healthy romantic relationship. Especially because if you care about the loving aspect, then you should care about Finnrey. (If you care about a lusting aspect, then you only care about sexual characteristics which can still be found in Finnrey. If you do that in-character with Reylo, however, it’s extremely predatory since, you know, Kylo hates Rey and Rey hates Kylo.)
So after taking all these factors into count, it begs the question, why don’t more people ship Finnrey? Well, kiddios, the first term of the day is “systematic racism.” Systematic racism, also called institutionalized racism, basically refers to a form of racism expressed in practices on a social and political level ranging from and entwining into literally anything from schooling to income, to criminal justice, wealth, healthcare, living situation, who’s considered beautiful, and, yes, relationships. Don’t believe me, you can literally read articles on anything from black women with white husbands getting mistaken for hookers or watch the movie Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.
Anyway, how does systematic racism tie into who we find more appeal with? Well, some centuries ago as Europeans started to venture outward more, it eventually become common word that dark things were associated with badness and white with goodness regardless of what sense it made (Jesus was more black than white, for example). Since then, this mindset has spread like wildfire. Or the smallpox the English brought over. In countries where dark-skinned persons are the norm, they’re more likely to promote or run advertisements with lighter-skinned people. And if they can get their hands on a white person, you know they’re gonna. This is because the white person is, in far too many cases, portrayed as the everyman. This is why we’re quicker to recognize when a protagonist is a POC – it’s just not an everyday occurrence.
We see this in our movies all the time with a white man being cast as the lead, or when they’re presented and promoted in rapid succession compared to their colored cast mates and so on and so forth.
And the thing is, this shit starts early. If you Youtube “Doll Test”, you’ll see small children (including black ones) calling the white baby doll good and the black baby doll bad. They even refer to the white doll as the pretty one, whereas its darker counterpart is ugly. The problem is, the media often does very little to help destroy this mindset so it often ends up blossoming into what we see today: sympathy for white killers, fictional or not, out of finding them physically attractive. (If you come up in here and tell me this isn’t true, I will smash your fucking face into the screen of a laptop and make you read all the bitches whining about Dylann Roof’s death sentence or how many twits wanted some other white boy killer to go free and creaming themselves after he showed up to court in a shirt expressing pride over his killing. I don’t have time for this bullshit.)
Basically, what we end up doing is sparing sympathy for lighter-toned people because, institutionally, light means good and dark means bad. (This is actually also a thing in the black community where lighter skinned people are treated differently than darker-skinned ones but this is also a story for another time.) Does this sound reminiscent of anything? Perhaps a fictional non-canonical pairing wherein people make excuses and slander the names of the characters’ actors to justify a notably unhealthy interaction over an actually more stable one?
Furthermore, while it’s becoming more commonplace in commercials and TV shows and film, the image of a black male and white female is met with criticism. I’ll admit that the reasons honestly differ among ethnic groups but for the most part, it’s usually a criticism born simply from the fact that it’s a black man and a white woman. Remember when I said Europeans began to use their position to promote ideas that pretty much raised their position for just being white? This was a favorite tactic used in America in the 18- and 1900s. The idea was that white women were fragile and needed to be protected from the brutish black bucks. A black man near a white woman would surely cause her harm! This was displayed in many forms from posters to pamphlets to D. W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation wherein a rowdy and completely buffonish cast of blackface-donning actors were portrayed in scenarios that included harassing a delicate flower of a white girl, as well as lustfully celebrating over the ruling that they be allowed marriage to women women (which received more applause than being allowed placement in government).
So where have we seen people portray a black male as barbaric, invading on the safety of a young, white female and threatening her by so much as touching her hand? Could it be … in movies where the black man is a rapist or a thug? Maybe … in real life where numerous white women have claimed assault on an innocent black man but nobody dared to investigate the matter further? Or perhaps … a disgusting amount of Reylo-shippers, who have literally gone out of their way to portray John Boyega as a beast rather than a man and actual friend to coworker Daisy Ridley?
I could go on a tangent about how insulting this is not only on a racial scale, but also in regards to demeaning the situations of people who have actually been in unpleasant or altogether awful interactions with genuinely awful people but, like I said, this is what we’re focusing on right now.
But in the end, do you know what a lifetime of this can do to a POC’s mindset? I can think of an example: The second term of the day is “internalized racism.”
As the name would suggest, internalized racism is when a person of an ethnic group displays racist traits towards members of their culture, including themselves. This can come about in many ways but one thing is for certain: it’s linked with institutionalized racism. You see, it gets quite easy to think very negatively of something that people subtly or even outright portray as a bad thing. Even if that thing looks like you. Maybe you’ve seen far too many black people get arrested on the news; maybe you just don’t feel pretty with your corkscrew curls and earthy skin; maybe you just feel an inherent need to hold your purse close to you when you see a big, black guy walking down the street despite the fact that he’s just making his way down the block to run an errand. The point I’m trying to get at here is that there’s various ways or showing or even experiencing internalized racism. I’ll be the first to admit that I experience it. I’m trying not to; a lot of people may be. But it’s hard to undo something you didn’t know existed until recently, or what keeps growing back with the constant exposure after every time you think you’re free from it. But this is no excuse to go out of your way to keep feeding it.
So anyway, when I talk about internalized racism, you probably have an idea where I’m going with this: Black Reylo shippers, we need to talk. What exactly is it that you find appealing about this dynamic? Be real with yourself. Is it because Adam Driver is attractive? That’s all fine and good, but that has nothing to do with his character. What exactly does Kylo offer Rey? By comparison, what does Finn offer Rey? If you feel Finn, after an entire film’s worth of interacting with her, offers Rey nothing whereas Kylo, after maybe a total of 15-23 minutes (most of which involved him using his fucking unstable lightsaber on her), offers her something, then it may be healthiest for you to step away from shipping for a while and think about what you truly do respect. If shipping is just an outlet for you, fine. But you should make sure that that outlet reflects what a good relationship is to you: not some sadistic, abusive game of predator vs prey. If that is what you want, then you seriously need to stop focusing on shipping and start focusing on your psyche.
All in all, there just a shit ton I could’ve said or still want to say, but I think this is long enough and most of y’all have either dropped out or have left to write an insult of threat without reading the entire thing or considering why it’s being written in the first place. Plus, I’m tired. Physically tired, but mostly, I’m tired that this shit actually needs to be said to a bunch of people who think their asses are grown enough to recognize what a relationship is, yet end up sending disturbing content to anyone who even so much as looks uncomfortable at the crap they’re promoting. Star Wars was never meant to be this way; no fandom is. But it’s because of inconsideration and intentional ignorance that things collapse. If you still feel a need to ship Reylo over Finnrey – especially if you have to actually change peoples’ characters and basically rob them of their principles – then maybe it would be best if you stepped away from shipping and asked yourself, “What does this say about me? How do my reactions towards people who do not agree with me reflect what I actually feel?” Because if you’re still willing to ship these two when it’s looking like they’re probably cousins alone, then you’ve got more issues to work out than just the fact that somebody doesn’t agree with your ship.
TL;DR – Reylo is a result of the entwined workings of the social romanticism of abuse and downplaying of female respect and a multitude of racial issues, including institutionalized and internalized racism and you need to go sit down and think about all this and what it says about you before you even so much as try to counter it. And for the rest of you where you stand by your stretching, I quote my brother: “Just say you hate black people and go. it’s not that deep.” It really isn’t; we can see you in your kiddy pool of defense.
@sith
#tw: abuse#tw: rape#finnrey#long ass post#i am tired#but i'm also angry#anti reylo#anti r*ylo#institutional racism#there's probably a lot i missed or whatever#but i'm tired and i honestly shouldn't have to tell some of y'all any of this mess
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[[ I’ve been trying for a while to adequately describe the paranoia lens Psii views the world through, but I think I’ve finally gotten it, so here it is. I’m putting it under a cut ‘cause not everyone wants their hand held through a paranoid delusion (and also it’s goddamn fucking long since I wrote it, I am so fucking sorry) so mind that, and the fact that there’s going to be mentions of abuse and manipulation, before delving in. ]]
So the first important thing to untangling this mess is to know where it comes from, and it’s basically a really really fucking bad coping mechanism. Psii was just starting to relax in the bubbles, his recovery making serious progress, when the game was won and he got dumped on Prosperity, a world populated by abusers from the past who now have easy access to him. (As proven by the fact that he hadn’t been alive for a week when Cae walked in to the block Psii was napping in.) Not only that, Psii had gotten here two sweeps after everyone else, making carving out a safe space increasingly difficult as anyone he could lean on are busy with the lives they gained without him. And, worst and most terrifying of all, HIC, the abuser Psii cannot face due to overwhelming and soul crushing fear, is also around, locked away in Meenah’s mind by mysterious circumstances, waiting for whatever holds her back to break and set her free. This whole planet is the worst case scenario for Psii, and at his core, he is terrified every time he’s awake.
It’s such a worst case scenario, and there is so much fear, that Psii cannot process it without shutting down into a catatonic depression. To avoid this, his mind has projected his fears onto other people that he isn’t afraid of, so that he has no problem standing up to them and ‘fighting back.’ Unfortunately, that simple coping mechanism has spiraled into this clusterfuck that influences a lot if not most of what he does.
Now to dive into the actual delusion! Note that not everything said beyond here is an accurate assessment of personalities or actions, but what Psii sees and believes.
Psii’s projection started with one person, but soon expanded into three, each somewhat standing in place of a more substantial fear: Cae, the main keystone and HIC’s replacement as a manipulative, highblood slaver with no problem inflicting great harm on someone who is disobedient; Arlequin, representing the might and power of the Empire as a power-accustomed self-assured highblood with no morals and no problem lashing out if he feels his honor has been tainted; and Darkleer, the personification of highblood traditions as a stuffy judgmental hemist with a lengthy history of killing those who threaten them without a second thought. These three, through quadrants, loyalty, friendship, and commonalities, have interwoven and become what I fondly refer to as The Dreaded Highblood Triangle.
The DHT is the main cause of Psii’s problems with trust and tension, as he is on a cusp of a war with them that Psii will inevitably lose. They’re a whim away from crushing his entire world and dragging him into torment, and there is literally nothing Psii can do to stop them other than surrender early. Their goals? The details vary from day to day and situation to situation. Sometimes it’s Psii’s isolation. Sometimes it’s crushing his spirits to dust. His true death, his torture, violating his self both literally and figuratively, bringing the Empire back and forcing him alone to go on the run again, the list is long and shifting. The common factor is that Psii loses everything, and he’s left in miserable circumstances he cannot escape.
This would be near impossible to do if it was anyone’s actual goals, but from where Psii sits, there are three major tiers of power in relation to him, and the DHT has their claws in all of them. Psii’s Family is the tightest tier, his theoretical safe space, the people who helped him survive the last time the world was against them. Cae is the one that got to them, luring them into quadrants that matter far more than some scraggly mess of a troll. And if Cae’s friendship with Meulin wasn’t enough, Arlequin is in a quadrant with her as well. His family no longer has Psii’s back, they are far more interested in getting Psii to give up this silly conflict and submit, and will easily turn on him if the DHT decides to move.
The next step down is Prosperity as a whole, the city’s government founded on the Signless’s teachings and lead by one of Psii’s descendants. Psii would have no problem turning to them for help should the DHT do more than loom, except for the fact that they too have been infested against him. Skysmith is Darkleer’s dancestor and Sparks’s kismesis. Sparks is a very good friend of Cae’s and is linked through Nadaya as well. Nadaya is also friends with Darkleer through Vriska. Even Arlequin is getting a good treatment from the city despite his less than savory actions. If the DHT decides Psii is not allowed his scraps of happiness anymore, Prosperity could be easily convinced to join in to hunt him down, making the entire planet unsafe and hostile.
The last tier is what I like to call the Clusterclade, which is the absolutely tangled web of clade that branches off of Sparks and Nadaya and scoops up all sorts of people including Atlais, Calo, and their timeline. Following the rest of the pattern, they too are poisoned against Psii. If Sparks and Nadaya’s connections weren’t enough, a great number of CC members have direct ones to the DHT, and have their own spreading clades out into other people in other timelines going out to god knows how far. From what Psii’s seen, CC members have no problem jumping to action on other members’ say so, meaning the whole thing could be mobilized against Psii, cutting him off from the rest of the multiverse for escape.
Which leaves Psii with no allies, no safe places to hide, no resources, and no hope of fighting this. His only options are to give up and roll over to let the DHT do what they want with him, or keep careful watch of the whole thing and look for weaknesses, hopefully finding someone trustworthy that they haven’t tainted yet, pushing back just enough to say he’s a problem but not enough of one to do anything about yet. The first is a non-option for the vast majority of time, which leaves Psii in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and dread, waiting for one of three people to decide toying with him has become boring and finally make a move towards the inevitable.
This delusion is more than just a source of hopelessness, it’s grown to the point where it’s actively hampering the other facets of his recovery. And fighting against it isn’t the easiest thing either; it’s hard to take the word of someone he’s convinced is against him and trying to make him surrender. He does have good days, however, where the delusion isn’t so in his face, and his goodhearted nature shines through in times of need (the reason Arlequin is doing so well with Prosperity’s capital is because Psii himself vouched for him in an effort to help fix things) but those are few and far between.
It’s not permanent, however; there are chinks in the armor, and they will eventually be exploited to help him recover, but until then, this is the filter Psii sees the world through, and why he’s so bristly and guarded with everyone and anyone.
#ooc#headcanon tag#not tagging for triggers because they're all just brief mentions#also not tagging for everyone mentioned because good fucking god
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Defending Book 1′s Ending
Ok while I still feel that Book 1 had the weakest ending of the series, after watching the book over again I found myself seeing fewer problems than some have with it. I’ll go point by point here.
1. The collapse of the equalists.
While many point to the legitimate grievances the equalists had, watching again I realized how much the Equalist movement WAS Amon, the masks, the propaganda. The first time Amon appears in front of a crowd he’s referred to as a savior and a hero to the non-benders. And it’s his charisma that that pulls off his speeches and threats. And people seem to forget the scene with the Lieutenant, the guy most dedicated to Amon was ready to attack him when he learned the truth, not only because he was a fraud, but because he was doing the same thing he accused other benders of doing, exploiting non-benders to become more powerful. I was a big supporter of Bernie Sanders during the 2016 Campaign, if I found out that he was secretly in deep with the powerful interests that he railed against I would have been pretty disillusioned even though I would still believe in the causes I care for, and I was far from the most rabid of his fans.
2. Korra regaining her bending.
While in the moment this is still not a great narrative turn there are several factors that soften me to it. First, I can buy that Korra without her preconceptions about being the Avatar would let down her mental defenses to let her past lives in for a moment and that given the nature of energybending and the Avatar state, there would be some kind of Avatar reboot. But the bigger issue is how it is too “easy” which I’ll get to. Second, I don’t really think having Korra relearn the other three elements would be that compelling, I think it would become a retread of the first series. While they could have avoided this by not having her bending taken at all, I think that was important for several reasons. Not only is it dramatic in the moment, but it also leads to her learning Airbending especially in my personal interpretation of the Chakra theory and it gives us a glimpse into Korra’s ultimate fear about not being the Avatar, to the point she may even briefly contemplated suicide. Finally, in hindsight, I think Book 4 had a much better setup for Korra dealing with this fear. Not only did she essentially lose her bending for a year but even when she got it back it was another 2 years before she could bend effectively. In addition, she suffered deep physical and psychological trauma that Amon did not inflict when he took her bending at the end of book 1. Plus given the 3 other books prior it really built up how she viewed this as the world telling her the Avatar wasn’t needed anymore. I just think that setup was a lot stronger to work with than what we could have got if book 1 went all the way.
3. The Romance.
Ok, I can’t really defend this, at least they made sure to use book 2 to ensure the love triangle would be dead the rest of the series. Not that it’s THAT bad, but it is rather cliche and trite.
4. The Equalist plight not getting resolved.
This always felt like a more minor issue, while LOK is a more political show than ATLA it is still an action fantasy and I don’t think delving deep into the reconstruction post-Amon would be terribly interesting. And we do see in Book 2 that change did happen with the disbanding of the council. I would have liked it if they took it maybe a step or two further, but I don’t think there was much narrative potential there, especially given how with many of the equalist complaints there were no clear answers on what to do and in real life probably wouldn’t be solved for years if ever.
5. Korra gaining the Avatar State.
First, a justification on why this happened, I would guess that it was necessary as a part of Aang healing her through a connection to her past lives, especially since she can’t connect to them the other way most of the time. Remember that she only ever connected to Aang through memories rather than talking to him before, that Tenzin states at the beginning of book 2 that she can’t connect to her past lives again, and the only other time we see her do it is when she can’t even remember who she is, again without preconceptions about the nature of the Avatar. This all leads into the end of book 2 where this thing that was an easy out for Korra before is permanently destroyed and its directly a result of it’s use at the end of book 1. In Book 2 Korra acts arrogant and recklas because she believes she can use her power to get out of any bad situation. This is a reason I like book 2 more than other people because it takes something that could be a cop-out and makes it have real consequences. Because of Aang’s journey people seem to think that mastery of the Avatar state makes someone a fully realized Avatar. But book 2 shows how she still hasn’t mastered airbending, is rash, and hasn’t connected to her true self and thus isn’t really the Avatar until she learns to respect the power. Aang was someone who for the most part respected his powers but needed to master their use. Korra is someone who for the most part easily mastered her powers but didn’t respect them. One needs both to be whole, to have balance. It’s not until she comes out of the Tree of Time that she has done that, and even then she still has things to learn.
6. The resolution of Amon and Tarlok.
While most people don’t complain about this aside from not having enough details about Amon’s motivations and powers, which I disagree with as I always like it when you can see the shape of a character based on a few clues which Skeletons in the Closet does really well and like with the rest of the new bloodbending powers doesn’t really need to be explained given the world that has been set up, I don’t think there is enough appreciation for this arc. It takes two rather 2-dimensional characters, Amon is cool and has points but we knew so little about him other than he’s scary and Tarlok is even more one note as a corrupt politician, and turns them into rather complex and tragic figures shaped by abuse. And while I like the resolution for Kuvira in book 4 I think the reason, Tarlok’s murder/suicide is still so shocking and powerful to me is that it posits a really dark and difficult question, even if someone wants to change is there sometimes no hope? Will they always just wind up hurting people again? Tarlok doesn’t just kill Amon, he kills himself too as he sees himself beyond redemption and fears turning into his father yet again, and with the ambiguity of the last shot of Amon, he may also think that. In a way, it was a final act of defiance against their father, even if they couldn’t change they could stop themselves from hurting people because of what they had been warped into.
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