whoops I thought about how lonely I felt in the last several months of dating my most recent ex and it turns out I'm SAD ABOUT IT lol

Jaz sent me a TikTokTM

This particular TikTokTM is a cover of "I'm On Fire", by Bruce Springsteen, which cover is performed by a 22yo with the thesis "dad rock and lesbian indie are essentially the same thing".

As is typical, I said something about the vibes which made perfect sense to me but was impenetrable to my conversational partner. This, uh, caused me to wax poetical about what I meant, which is ALSO very typical, specifically for when I am talking about Bruce Springsteen songs.

To wit: "Springsteen's sheets are soaking wet because of the sort of desire that bubbles up against the stifling heat of the waning summer; the restless kind that would drive someone out to the hills on the off chance that SOMETHING could happen tonight. Thea's sheets are soaking wet because of the febrile tossing and turning that one does in the first week the boiler is switched on for one's apartment; it's a desire that turns in tightening gyre and doesn't want to move but laments the lack of movement anyway."

Thinking this hard about something I'm already autistic about triggered the dreaded hyperfixation, and so of course I immediately started listening to all the covers I could get my gay little hands on via Spotify, and assigning them months.

Soccer Mommy is April: I'm not sure for what their desire burns, but maybe they aren't either Electrelane is late July: The mumbled drudgery of summer gains steam over the course of the song; by the end the energy that's been building slowly the whole time has bloomed in a revelry in the joy of desire, much like the heat that's been building over the course of the month & season. Bat For Lashes changed the lyrics to make it straight, and embodies December. There's an arcane quality to how she sings this song, like the plodding dark of the solstice. Her desire is to feel worthy of inclusion in winter, despite being so early in the meteorological season. Chromatics is February: The desire here is buffeted about between thaw and freeze; these sheets are soaking wet from sleety rain and the hope for what could come after. Gus Dapperton is FAITHFUL to the original, putting them solidly in September. Where it differs from Springsteen's song, it is with an eager energy that hopes for reinvention. Shakey Graves has the most inventive cover so far, netting June. I heard he killed a guy. The Staves is the band that Thea Grace was shouting out, but they're distinctly March. Their sheets are soaking wet with the meltwater of the very end of the month; their desire is cooled, but by the runoff of the love they already have - no need to chase after the unobtainable. Cassandra Violet's version sure is for a motion picture (Pig???!?); the energy here is all montage. I wanna say October? AWOLNATION is January; their desire throbs like the first tension headache one gets from a truly cold day. I'm starting to have trouble focusing (blame it on my ADD) and we're running out of months, so I don't know that there will be many more. Low is late October: The Halloween spirit thrums through this song like holding hands with a girl while you both watch your first R-rated scary movie. Town Mountain has August energy…it's finally another novel take on this song, though it's distinctly "bluegrass band booked some studio recording time and sounds nothing like they did at the house concert you saw them at" so I hesitate to call it inventive. OKAY LAST ONE BECAUSE THERE ARE LIKE FIFTY OF THESE: CLAVVS is May. No I didn't pick that just because it's the only month left. No I will not elaborate on my reasons.

Here they are in chronological order according to the Hebrew calendar, ya sluts. Thanks for reading this whole thing.

P.S.: Jaz sent me the video in the first place because of my literary analysis of Springsteen's work as transfeminine and sapphic (specifically butch); there's just something about the way he says "hey little girl is your d*ddy home" that feels less like male territoriality and more like the conspiratorial wink of a dyke hoping to see you in your own right. Too, the way the narrator's class fundamentally alienates him from the (married, wealthy) object of affection and (wealthy, WASPy) masculinity mirrors the fundamental alienation that a butch woman might feel from her (presumed straight, at the very least femme) object of affection and (wealthy, male) masculine aesthetics. Look at the music video! The narrator hopes for a moment of understanding even across these gulfs!! The object of affection longs just as much, just as impossibly!!! This too is yuri!!!!!!!

Further updates on today's occurrences:

I did NOT get my knives sharpened because* I'm a lazy dipshit who can't remember what times of day people function at, yippee!**

*I don't actually feel the following about myself; I'm just venting for funsies

**I'm cool I just have at least one sleep disorder and misremembered "1pm close" as "4pm close" for some reason, which is a normal mistake to make if you're unfamiliar with farmer's markets

Oh well! There is always next week. I DID go to the Jewish event, with @creatureaccess bc I haven't gotten to do much Jewy socializing with them, and we hung out with my friend Khesed and got some nice prints and earrings!!!

In addition to the planned socialization, I ran into 4 sets of people I wasn't expecting:

Kendrick and their roommate Dawn — they Recognized Me from services a couple years ago, but we didn't quite remember each other. I mention these folks mostly so that I remember their names, as I will probably see them in the future and it takes me several meetings to remember faces and names together w/o hints.

MJ! The (lay) cantor who is considering Hebrew College! She was like "oh jeez people keep saying that and I feel like everyone will be so disappointed if I decide not to go" which! oh no! I only mentioned it bc I just broke up w a Hebrew College student who mentioned seeing her at prospy week (which is not what they call it)! I think she feels bad about being put on a pedestal, bc she also remarked that introducing her to Mercury as "the most familiar voice at Shir Tikvah" was nice bc I wasn't doing the usual thing (of intentionally or unintentionally overpraising her, which I'm sure feels like "you're so BRAVE for Singing While Trans" in addition to the regular ol' anxiogenesis of high expectations & benevolent otherization). Anyway she was happy to see me again even though she almost certainly couldn't remember my name, and I was happy to see her cuz she wasn't at the one kabbalat shabbat I've gone to so far and that was one of the several reasons I didn't quite feel Home yet at Shir Tikvah.

Quotes-and-flowers prints lady, Della, complimented me on my constellation umbrella and we commiserated about Hebrew cursive being cool but not a thing people in our circles (myself included) can read. THEN HER MOM POPPED UP, AND IS ONE OF MY TORAH CANTILLATION CLASSMATES??!?!? So Moon is the first person from the 2024 adult b'mitzvah cohort that I got the pleasure of meeting in person :^>. She's a lesbian who bonded w other lesbian parents in 1995 — I asked her if she knew [Jaz's parents], and she didn't which idk is actually cooler cuz that means there were enough partnered lesbians making children in the mid-90s that they DIDN'T all know each other!?! Anyway, Moon is cool, and I'm glad I am soooo so brave to Talk While Trans have a distinctive voice so that she recognized me ^_^.

While talking to Candida, the vendor with the super cool lemon earrings that I got Mercury for their birthday, I DID make direct eye contact with a person who used to call me their wife ("Ohhhhh and I just saw my ex" "Haha isn't that just the experience at queer markets like this"). Mercury and I sidled over, talking abt their mom while waiting for an opening where I could talk to Tova (they are very popular, even as queer Jewish non-profit workers go), and Mercury squeezed my hand and made clear through, like, bestie telekinesis and a couple words that they were there for me. I was a bit awkward on the intro bc I broke up w Tova pretty suddenly in uhhhhh I wanna say Nov 2020? and they ghosted last time I tried to catch up in early 2022, so I was like "hi!!(?) are we on the sort of terms where it's okay if I talk to you?" and they were very like "(why wouldn't it be????) Yeah!! Hello!!" and we chatted for a bit and I DID ask if they had moved which they HAVEN'T so I can STOP forlornly looking at their living room window every time I go grocery shopping and just be chill neighbors who used to try to build a life together. Their Nana said "She's special to you. Hold on to her, even though you're not together anymore." I was there when their sister got married. Their brother-in-law painted me in fake blood while he was shirtless. Their parents welcomed me into the family. I spooned with them under the big flaming tree of their family's cult. We played tabletop roleplaying games together. and figure out how much we want to be in each other's lives.

Anyway yeah so I am reminded yet again that people love me and even people who have a reason to be Rude are probably instead going to be Cordial, which I think is generalizable to people who are not me as well (you, reader). Also Jaz came up in sets 2, 3, AND 4 above, so it's pretty clear that [insert transparently obvious takeaway that nevertheless evades me at the moment].

Being in community is Good, Actually.

I'd only made 1.5 playlists since this one three years back, and I was having enough Feelings in enough Different Directions that I figured I'd make another playlist about it. Also! Don't worry; Jaz got me some more vitamin D and I am actually taking it again. Also also, thanks to Twitter user @solflowerrs for having the prescience to make this image in 2019!

THAWING? 5783

The ice melted a while back, but there wasn't much to begin with. It's been 3 years. The world itself feels so tired. Do I fix all my frayed ends & persist, or just get in my feelings abt another three relationships (dying, deferred, resurrected)? I haven't taken vitamin D in months so the latter.

🚬Heartilation - AJJ "Sometimes I get so lonesome I can't breathe" // "I want to tear out my heart and give it away to a person more deserving one day"

💜Rebecca - Against Me! "Already thinking 'When can I see you again'…I swear I won't come on so strong! 😳" // "We don't have to fall in love; we can just have fun"

🧶Woke Up New - The Mountain Goats "On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time, I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared…I was cold, so I put on a sweater and I turned up the heat and the walls began to close in" // "What do I do without you?"

🧶Are You Ten Years Ago - Tegan and Sara "When I feels like this — when I get so sick of myself — where are you going then, without me?" // "This life looks like a sentence, though; a constant game of falling short" // "I was there, I saw the signs"

🚬What a Time To Be Alive - Fall Out Boy "When I said 'Leave me alone', this isn't quite what I meant! I got the quarantine blues" // "Everything is lit except my serotonin"

🔷Sax Rohmer #1 - The Mountain Goats "I am coming home to you (with my own blood in my mouth)"

💜🧶Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel Someone once said this is the song in the whole world that feels most like love to them // "The only…the only…the only…" // This is one of the few songs that I imagine being sung to me, rather than by me — I'm not slow with compliments nor PDA, but I know what it's like to be loved by people who are

🚬🧶Shallow Days (Acoustic) - Counting Crows "I'm a very tiny person and it worries me" // "'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I know it's not the kind of thing you want'"

💜🔷Pink in the Night - Mitski "I know I've kissed you before, but I didn't do it right. Can I try again?"

🧶Where Does the Good Go - Tegan and Sara "It's love that leaves, and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy; strong and calm"

Meaningful Moment today:

Driving with Jaz to the airport so they can spend Pesach with their family(1) while waiting on a call with my once-and-future roommate/bestie so we can tour a house to move into together when I move away from Jaz. They put on their “gay/trans feels” Spotify playlist, so we listened to “What Is This Feeling?” from Wicked (fine & fun) and then got fucking BODIED by “Where Does The Good Go?”.

It’s been an emotional song for me ever since season 1 of Grey’s Anatomy, but this is maybe the first time it’s hit personally — being rather than acting, even though it’s always been empathy rather than sympathy. We(2) spend about 3 minutes not making eye contact, but still looking at each other. We haven’t kissed on the mouth in several weeks(3) or made love in months, but we’ve kissed on the cheek and the forehead. We’ve(4) spent about 3 years making promises and making unpromises and, crucially, never making promises that we would ever have to break. I say it’s divorce(5), but it was much more divorce with Tova...with Jaz, the breaking point was that we never would be married(6). A touch on the hand — this is rare from them; they never touch me while they drive, and I’ve learned not to touch them. I hold their hand to my arm, but not TO my arm(7): it’s important to me that they know that they could regain their normal driving posture at any time, but that they choose me. Only ever always I have wanted them to choose me(8). We’re each crying/notcrying; I see them wipe their eye, before and after I blink my own paratears into nonexistence(9).

I have to turn the music off. Theo finally got to the viewing and is video-calling me. It’s like seven minutes after I thought I would be on call. We were never supposed to play music(10).

I’m glad we did.

1: It’s, like, The Big Family Event. I never got to do this in three years, between multi-person seder being a wild breach of my COVID avoidance protocols and Jaz’s parents disliking me

2: Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t find me attractive 3: Look me in the heart and tell me you won’t go 4: Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love 5: Look me in the heart and unbreak broken...it won’t happen

6: It’s love that leaves, and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy; strong and calm. Where does the good go? (Where does the good go?)

7: When I feel like this; when I get so sick of myself — where are you going now without me?[...] 8: You’ve got to turn right around, and tell me that I’m taken, and– Tell me if I’m yours[...] 9: I collapse. I collapse [the superposition of crying and not crying].

10: “I believe that on paper but I also want *you*. ...I want to be in this for as long as it feels mutually joyful. What does it mean to keep doing what we are doing?” ~Jaz, as paraphrased in Haha I'm your girlfriend now.txt, 12 June 2020

Hey remember when I made a really hopeful playlist THE DAY BEFORE LOCKDOWNS STARTED?!? Probably not but here it is anyway lmao

THAWING 5780

The ice has finally melted and it's time to have Emotions. My first playlist about - in no particular order - THREE separate crushes, TWO separate diagnosed mental illnesses, spring I guess, and a liiiittle bit my regrettable embodiment of an Entity (👁)

1) “Prior Things” by Hop Along 🧊 2) “Overbite” by Sincere Engineer 😰 3) “Bathroom Bitch” by HOLYCHILD 🧵 4) “Little Death” by The Beths 🧶 5) “Pussy Is God” by King Princess 🧵 6) “Drove Me Wild” by Tegan and Sara 🎸 7) “Too Much” by Carly Rae Jepsen 👁 8) “Bushes of Love” by Bad Lip Reading 😰 9) “Shoulder It” by Retirement Party 🧶 10) “I Listened” by Apes of State 👁