#just pushed me over the edge. I cannot be close with anybody who perceives him in a positive light. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thaomyltr · 5 years

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🌻 how I rise beyond the anguish: day 11

I just realize that my way of protecting myself from assumptions and stupid rumours is exactly like how It was when I was 18.

When everything was seemingly working on Its track which somehow intervened mine, I chose to step back and make myself invisible to as much as possible. Like for example, escaping. However, I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) erase my indentity for this eternally so I could escape from something that is wiser and cheaper: social medias. Besides, everyone in this era interacts through digital social platforms like literally every minute, subliminally, I could be unidentifiable If I’m not there long enough. It could be months, years, I don’t know, but the last time I made it through the year and I loved the feeling of being unknown to everyone but my beloved ones. Before this tiff, I had a close friend (I hate how the past tense needs to be used there, personally), someone that I was trying so hard to trust him from the very first place, I didn’t trust him wholly ever, but I did try, and eventually he framed all these reactions of mine for that third-party rumours as “I think you have some further love affairs for me?”

“Well that’s what you think? Really?” I remembered how all the neurons in my brain repeated that questions 10247393 times inside my head which led to a stimulation that triggered my face to respond back a heartless laughter. No. Heartless “laughters”. I laughed for how confusing he sounded to me and I even laughed at myself for controlling everything so well that made everything fell off the track.

All I thought about this tiff was how to be as close as we were, how to learn from the traumas, how to grow beyond the grieves and anguishes and how to ACCEPT that EMOTIONS will always be a part of you from the very first time we were not yet even identified as sapiens and RATIONALITY was nurtured and conducted by those set of memorised emotions coded to our genes by all the fights we had been through to survive the sever nature and other carnivorous animals that always had more strength to eat us up anytime!

Okay enough about sapiens. I was just. Yeah. I was just too much and always tried to bring everything on the table with data and facts and figures and ugh. But I really meant it. Emotions make human human. And emotions aren’t bad. You cannot control something doesn’t mean that It’s bad. It means that you are NOT capable of understanding how It works. And you still can LEARN how it works. Same to our emotions. And unfortunately, how our gene was coded and memorized from all the fights we had with carnivorous animals makes our brain detects all the negative emotions making us feel sad, insecure, hurtful, and doubtful as how we were trying to hide from the animals in a million years ago as somewhat “dangerous” and our brain would do its best to protect you from delving so deep into it.

Same to the unknown, because the unknown creates insecurity. We fear of the unknown. And in this aspect, it’s not because we choose to be afraid (sorry Milena) but It-is-there in our genes for a million years. And when there are some unknown emotions, we fear, and we reject it, and because we don’t ever understand it, so we avoid it wrongly, which doesn’t even affect to its growth and the final moment you know would be scene of you laying down on the ground and murmuring how stupid being emotional be.

Being emotional isn’t stupid. Choosing not to understand why your emotions are there, is stupid, because it prooves that you’re nothing different from our ancestors when we were still making fire with rocks and communicating by verbal languages.

AND, me having something more than friends for him was all that he thought after ALL THAT I THOUGHT about how POSITIVE THIS COULD BE TO OUR GROWTHS? LIKE, seriously?

(And I was obsessed with sapiens, sorry for that.)

.. I really saw beyond all this and I came to the meeting with a mindset that chose to understand, because I chose to see beyond from the very first place. I chose to perceive that even this chained set of actions was caused by both of us (why both? I wouldn’t react that way without his wobbly actions and words making everyone thought that these two girls are fighting for one guy and jeez whenever I thought of this I was going to throw up right away for that idea) it did make me feel disgust, all the rumours and stuffs, and I still chose to listen to his words.

Still, I’m always be that person who never easily be convinced by actions, words in a day or two. Words place a vital part, actions prove, and still It’s not enough. I was listening to that friendly and caring vibes of him which triggered that emotions of being taken care of, and my mind did the other part of viewing all the conflicts we had because I never wanted to be emotionally-biased when It came to conflicts. I never let emotions covered up. Even all the times I suggested to stop, that was the idea of the mind saying that maybe he was suffering enough from me.

But you cannot blame social norms. And you cannot blame a person that was traumatized to think beyond of what made them feel traumatized. And poorly, my fault here was never choosing to say it out, because personally It was my thoughts, my decisions, and I had all the rights to choose to say it or not, and I know which parts should be said so that the other could know how to teamwork better? No. I read books about psych, social scienece, business, anything that human study related. But It doesn’t mean I’m a mind-reader that can balance all the gaps between mutual understanding and feelings and actions? No. But I concede that I wasn’t smart enough to filter which ones should be spoken.

I think —at that very moment when we had that bare conversation, I was really near to the edge of crying my lungs out.

It’s not about him starting to question my feelings. It’s about how my reactions for that stupid rumours made he think that I got something for him. We argued about how much he stood for those three lies I told. And I shut my mouth up not to let the convos become more intense, and I saw beyond it all, but I’m still not a robot so I have all the rights to say damn it I HATED how he treated that person and made EVERYONE thought that WE WERE a triangle relationship!

Please. Does anybody ever understand that, It was totally bullshit to me when being dragged in those topics like that? Nobody does. Now I know one more person that doesn’t. And that’s my person. Oh, that was my person.

Researches prove that, being close friends with each others increase the possibility of having a stronger relationship more than 65%. Why?

Okay you don’t know why?

Do you and your friends have similarities?

Do you feel like that friend of yours understand every corner in your heart and mind?

Do you guys share the same dream? If not, values, beliefs, trust?

Those simple three questions make you realize something yet?

Friends are different from lovers because of this one small tap: those two don’t choose to address and leverage the feeling, that’s all.

And sadly, even right before I can ever strengthen anything further than friends with him, It was all destroyed by this event.

I could really blame his blurred behaviors with the other side of the story counted 50% of how everything was messed up, but I tried so hard not to address that critically, because If I ever did, we would be officially a dead-end, and If I ever did, I would be a total mess for not taking responsibility for my own reactions.

So yes. I held back, all that, and didn’t say any words emphasizing how much I disgusted his blurred and unclear behaviors that indirectly pushed me to the edge of triggering all the past traumas. I really controlled myself so much not to say or scold anything.

When I was 18, I had no clue about how much I could learn from the drama. I only stuck with the thinking of erasing my own presence in everyone’s memory so that I could start over.

Right now, when I’m 23, I do the same thing but to see how the process should be and how much time can unfold the unknown. I hide myself to wait until the day I can go out from this cave and collect the sweet fruits of wisdom.

I still, always, remember him as the best thing that I’ve ever had.

I just cannot face the fact that —one of us, chose not to see beyond the situation. I still learn how to see beyond it all. Sometimes I was so mad (1200% caused by the period also) and I was so angry, and I had to sit down, take a deep breath and write down 3 reasons I shouldn’t got mad for every single reason I got mad.

Time will heal. Trust the process. And even when I never really can’t lay my trust on him, I choose to trust that this time he would learn to overcome all this and reach his happiness.

With or without me.

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sanity-is-overratedxp · 6 years

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Defenders from the Past {Part 1}

A/N: This is a story about my OC’s Halima and Tumaini {The names are gonna change to more modern ones as the story progresses} The two of them are the daughters of an ancient Egyptian Queen and a man from another planet. {See if you can tell which one ;-P} This the story of how they leave their home and journey to the 21st century to save the world from a threat they weren’t prepared for. {If you have any questions about them just ask me!}

Summary: Leaving everything behind is never easy. Even less so when you have no idea what’s coming.

Warnings: ANGST, Character deaths, betrayal, and sadness all around.

Pairings: No one yet. Though maybe in the future?

Word count: 2815

Defenders from the Past {Part 1}

“Who are they?”

“What are they doing here?”

“Get Constantine and Zatanna.”

I stirred in my sleep. The last thing I remembered was my father telling me we had to go. I remember grabbing my sister and stepping toward the portal my father had made trying to outrun the crumbling building behind us. I felt a pounding sensation in my head and figured out that I must have been hit by debris as I ran through. My eyes shot open as I realized I no longer sensed my sister’s presence. I attempted to rise from the table where I was laying but I was restrained at the feet and wrists and could not move but an inch from my current position. I looked to my right and saw a man of about 30 years though his eyes spoke of things that made him seem far older. He spoke in a language I did not understand, but with a soft tone that seemed almost comforting. I tried to make out his meaning but failed in my attempts to understand his strange language. “I do not understand you.” I said repeatedly in my native tongue and again in Greek and Latin, the last of which seemed to trigger the response I needed. “My name is John, do you know where you are love?” he spoke broken Latin. It was obvious this was not his native language, but he knew enough to get by.

“The last thing I remember was going through the portal with my sister… I do not know the name of the land where we arrived.” he came forward and said what seemed to be a spell but the wards my mother had placed on me before we left rendered it moot. The look on his face was one of surprise as he felt the magic within me. He said something else in the language I did not know and ran his hands through his sandy blonde hair. He called out to the other wall where a mirror was placed, not long after a man in dark bodysuit and cowl that seemed to evoke the god Anubis. He and John conversed for a while before the man walked over to my side and began speaking “Can you tell me your name?” he placed his hand on my bindings before pulling an object out of his belt and hitting a button on it that seemed to trigger the releasing of my binds. I sat up and said, “My name is Halima. I am from the year 4000 B.C. and I was sent here by my father to protect the future from a threat you are not prepared to deal with on your own. My sister's name is Tumaini and if you do not wish to be engulfed in flames I suggest you reunite us before she awakens and melts the flesh from your bones to save me from a perceived danger.” John’s eyebrows shot up as a look of disbelief took over his face.

John ran outside the room where me and the man stood. “My name is Batman. Your sister has not woken up yet but thank you for the warning that she’s a volatile pyrokinetic. You aren’t here to fight are you?” he finished with an almost curious tone. “No. Not you at least. The threat is not you so I have no reason to fight you. Unless you try and stop me, but I warn you… that will not end well for you.” he chuckled. “Honest. I respect that. I’ll take you to your sister, but know that there are trained fighters everywhere in this complex and it is our job to take down people more powerful than us.” he helped me down from the table and led me to the door. As we made our way down the long corridor I sensed a presence above us, I looked up discreetly and saw a young boy in the rafters staring at me with a calculating curiosity. He couldn’t be more than thirteen but he had the air of a seasoned warrior about him. He had dark hair and a complexion similar to my own though thanks to my father and his alien DNA I was fairer. He noticed that I had seen him and stared back at me. I’m sure I looked like a vagabond, but the events of before the portal had left my dress torn and stained with blood and my hair was surely wild as the wind had been terrible. I thought back to that moment and let the memories overtake me. Remembering that last fight, that moment where everything went wrong.

“Halima, you know this must be done.”

I sat in my room on the edge of my bed as my father sat beside me. “I know Alab… but the thought of going away from you and Walida scares me.” He pulled me into his shoulder and kissed my head, “I know Habibi. I don’t want to lose you or your sister but you are the only thing that can save the race we have been charged to protect.” I buried my face in his robe as he held me tight. The familiar scent of Sandalwood and Jasmine enveloping me. I would miss this, the quiet moments between me and alab as if the rest of the world stood still for a moment. I knew that I had to leave soon. My mother and brother who would remain behind were already preparing to cast the spell to send us through to the time where they would need us. “Alab… how will we adjust? I cannot protect Tumaini if I do not know the way of things.” he sighed. “I don’t know Halima. I just have to pray to the Source that you will be safe and ready for whatever comes your way.” I could hear the concern in his voice. “Alab I don’t even have full control over my power. And as much as I love Tumaini I cannot keep her temper in check all the time. What if I fail?” my voice was barely a whisper when I finished though it was obvious father had heard me. “Halima.” he pushed my chin up so he could look into my eyes, “You are far stronger than you know. I do not know what the future holds for you, but I do know that you will come out of it stronger than you ever thought you could be. Tumaini trusts you and she listens to you. Her journey is her own but I know you will journey together.”

We rose from the side of my bed and made our way to the courtyard where mother awaited. “Your brother has gone to fetch your sister Habibi. Are you ready?” she held my arms as she looked into my eyes with concern. “As I’ll ever be Walida.” we shared a long hug trying not to cry as we held each other for the last time. She pulled back as my brother and sister made their way into the courtyard. I shared a sad smile with my sister as she took my place with my mother. I moved to my brother and smiled at him though my heart was breaking. I had always been close to him though the age difference was substantial, and leaving him now was tearing me apart. “Hey Squirt.” his voice trembled as he stood a bit from me. “Hey Old Man.” I felt the tears starting to gather in my eyes as he let out a dry chuckle. “Not too old to keep up with you was I?” I wasn’t ready for this… how could I say goodbye to everything I had ever known? Everyone I had to leave behind? “I-I can’t do this… I can’t leave you guys.” he pulled me into his arms and held me close. “Yes, you can Squirt. You are both so much stronger than I am… If anybody can do this it’s you two. Lean on each other and you’ll make it through.” I cried into his tunic as held me. My powers had me catching a thought from his mind without me trying to and as I came back to look him in the eye I knew he noticed. “I’m sorry Nabu. I didn’t mean too, but… are you really going to go through with it? It might not even work.” He held me close. “And if there is even a chance it does I’ll take it if it means I can protect you in the future.”

We turned back to my mother as her and my brother prepared to cast the spell before we could blink the courtyard was surrounded by my brother's right hand and others from the priest order. “Hath-Set why are you here? I told you this ceremony was forbidden to anyone but the royal family.” certain members began to bow and apologize backing away to leave before Hath-Set called out, “You are outnumbered Nabu. I have loyal followers who see as I do that your family is weak. That you lack the strength to take us forward and keep the Greeks and Romans out of our lands. But we are not weak, we will do better this time.” as he spoke people began to file behind him and the others behind us. “Nabu…” I stood behind him as he seemed determined to protect me and Tumaini from Hath-Set and his followers. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Kamilah standing behind me. Her chestnut hair falling around her head in bouncy ringlets, her eyes were scared but ready for the fight to come. I looked at my sister and saw Adofo behind her with his signature mace hanging by his side. The two of them were a formidable fighting team. Kamilah was my best friend and knew me better than anyone. I was the only one who knew that she and Adofo were actually reincarnations. They didn’t know why or what had caused it but they were madly in love and I had covered for them with my brother on many occasions. I looked back to Hath-Set as he drew a long dagger from within his sleeve and called out to his people to attack.

It barely even registered that the fight had begun. No one had yet moved as they were busying casting charms and attempting to take down their opponent with magic. Adofo was the first forward and Tumaini soon followed him. Two detached from Hath-Set’s side to meet them and I could see the energy Tumaini was putting into controlling herself. She knew as well as I that her fire would only cause chaos in this confined space. Kamilah and I stood behind Nabu as we channeled our energy into a spell to protect him and my mother. A golden barrier came up between us and them as the fight truly began. Everything around me was a blur as the battle raged, I had fought off a few spells directed my way and negated a few that were directed towards my sister. I felt Kamilah’s energy waning beside me and took over the spell so she would not hurt herself trying to maintain it. As I looked over the battlefield for Hath-Set I realized I could not find the coward. Just as I was about to let my mind search for him I heard a cry of pain from beside me. I turned a saw a sight that made my stomach turn.

There was an arrow protruding from Kamilah’s stomach.

I felt the blood drain from me as I saw the life leaving her. I looked up and saw Hath-Set perched high with a smirk on his face and a bow in his hand. I ran to her and held her in my arms as she tried to speak, “Nonononono, Kamilah you gotta stay with me.” I tried to use my powers but I couldn’t focus enough to heal her wound. She grabbed my hand and looked at me, “Run Halima. We can’t be saved. You can.” I couldn’t hide my tears. “Tell hi-him, tell him I love him?” I nodded my head as the tears fell. As if on cue I heard Adofo call out for her as he saw her lying in a pool of her own blood. My powers of the mind allowed me to send her last thoughts to him and though my mind was the conduit their conversation was private. I felt her life leave her body and I heard the cry of anguish from Adofo as he felt her leave him. “I’m sorry…” I told him before I left his mind. I sat there holding her body as the blood stained my hands red. I felt the anger rising in me like a burning fire, I looked up and locked eyes with Tumaini. We shared a look before I rose from the ground. The wind whipped around me and I felt the power I had running through me fueling the rage I had, Tumaini joined me in the air and the two of us unleashed a wave of fire and energy into the enemy. I could feel myself losing control as my rage attempted to take hold. I heard a voice behind me and turned to see my father calling out to me. His eyes wide with fear as he saw me struggle to contain the fury within me.

I felt a calming energy enter my brain and felt the presence of my mother, “come back down Habibi” she seemed to say. I felt my rage leave me and returned to the ground I saw Adofo and Hath-Set battling and Nabu was overrun though holding his own. I looked at my mother as she held open the portal I had not noticed she had opened. “Now Halima! You must go now before the spell becomes too much for me!” I grabbed Tumaini’s hand and ran forward. I felt the tears in my eyes as I ran through. A shockwave of energy hitting us as we entered knocking us unconscious, the last thing I saw was my mother's sad smile as she collapsed and the life left her eyes. Everything I loved… was gone.

I could feel the tears in my eyes as I looked down at my blood stained hands. It was as if Batman noticed them for the first time. “Who’s blood is that?” he seemed ready to fight and I didn’t blame him. “Kamilah… she… she died in my arms.” I hid my hands as the tears fell. “I could’ve saved her if my powers had worked. She didn’t deserve to die like that.” I saw something in his eyes that was almost like empathy, but in a moment it was gone. “Who was she to you?” I smiled at the memories of late nights spent training and riding the horses through the desert. “She was my best friend… I should have protected her. But I didn’t. Now I have to live with that.” I was surprised when I felt his hand on my shoulder, “You did all you could. Somethings are just… meant to be.” I don’t know what lead me to do it but I turned and hugged him. I could feel him tense before he hesitantly returned the hug. “It’ll get better you know? It won’t hurt quite so much after a while. I let go and turned back walking in the direction he was leading me. “She’s just through those doors down there.” He pointed to a set of double doors before walking behind me.

I hurried forward as I sensed something was about to go wrong. After a battle like that, her emotions would be out of control and she would be scared if she was alone with strange people. I had to make sure she didn’t kill anybody by accident. As if on cue I saw fire through the window, she was definitely awake. I ran through the door to see her fighting with John and a woman with raven black hair and bright blue eyes who seemed to be a magic user like John. As good as they were no doubt, Tumaini was trained for this, I had to stop her before she went too far. “WHERE IS MY SISTER?” I heard her calling out. “TUMAINI!’ I yelled as loud as I could. Everyone froze as she turned toward me. “I’m right here Sagira… I’m right here.” both our eyes filled with tears as we ran toward each other. As she crashed into me I hugged her with all my might, she was all I had left and I would die before I let anything happen to her.

As long as we had each other… we would make it.

Tagging: @sebastianshoe , @lexa-ships-shit , @itsreneethepotato , @firebrand647 , @ask-the-hawk-archer , @dc-hoe and if you wanna be tagged just let me know!

#Batman #dr fate #john constantine #zatanna #oc moonshadow #oc blaze

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