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whimsicalblanket · 4 months

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A Rebel Moon review nobody asked for

Hello there. I've never written a movie review before, and I'm just jotting some thoughts on digital paper, so this is probably gonna suck ass. Warning: not spoiler free but mostly vague.

Now let's get to the movie! Did I wish I liked it? YES! Did I actually like it? OF COURSE NOT!

No bad feelings toward anyone in the cast (I really like some of them, too, so it was a real pity they didn't get a better movie).

time for bullet points! (pew pew)

plot: as basic as it can be. NO FUCKIN WORLDBUILDING WHATSOEVER. WE KNOW NOTHING. I spent the entire movie wondering who the fuck the guys in red tunics and hats were, only to discover they're "just some nurses". At least that's the only info we get.

CGI: well done, I think, but... there's nothing that really makes me go "wow!" you know? no bright eyes. the shiny twin swords were cool, though. like... you have all that magic cgi tool and do a gryphon? and... a couple of horses with a keratin mask on? you kidding me? LIKE, I was already upset we didn't get more languages and such, but I do get it that it requires time and all. but... SOME CREATIVITY PLEASE!

character development: there is basically none because THERE IS NO TIME FOR ANYTHING IN THIS MOVIE APPARENTLY. The only character who actually made me swoon a little was Gunnar, because he starts off as "oh gosh, this man is gonna be a pain in the ass" and then becomes the cutest pie possible (I like you Gunnar. *pat pat)

someone please let Ed Skrein do a different role for once in his life. i get it, his face relentlessly asks for punches, but he deserves to try something else (but good job, as usual)

OK SO AM I CRAZY OR WERE THEY IMPLYING THAT SOMEONE LIKES TO HAVE TENTACLE PORN AND DOESN'T EVEN HIDE IT FROM HIS SUBORDINATES

lastly, there wasn't a single drop of humour in the movie BUT I ended up laughing before it hit the 1 minute mark because I'm a fucking child and the portal looked like a vagina xDDDDD

Done. I think this it. I feel better now (*let it all out, let it all out, baby).

Silver lining: they put not one, not two, but THREE of my crushes in this movie, so the simping was on a really high level.

#rebel moon #whim.comm #rebel moon review #movie review #let's pretend somebody will care and actually interact with me #insert forever alone meme

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