#just a shitpost for tha day. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sorcerous-caress · 4 months

Note

Worldbuilding and human kink? Is it my birthday /lh. This has me googling “halfling sex” and being a little surprise someone has thought about it enough to write a generously large paragraph.

Apparently it’s not uncommon for them to have more casual sex with close neighbors and friends indulging in it together. I genuinely think it would be hilarious for a halfling with a human, elf, drow, orc, dwarf, etc (the more uptight races) friend/neighbor to ‘seduce’ and then being very friendly and kind, but not exclusive or even inherently romantic.

Halflings 🤝 Humans

Being horny on main.

Oh my god imagine a poly relationship that's a human who thinks this is a casual friends with benfits deal, a halfing who thinks everyone here is just friends, and one high elf who acts as if they're robbing a bank whenever they watch the human go down on the halfing.

Add a dragonborn who is sweating over which one of those people is gonna end up as their mate for life, who isn't phased by the sex but it's the romance part that's considered a big taboo in their culture to even date someone for love, so imagine seeing more tha one person?

High elves being sex repressed 🤝 Dragonborns being romance repressed

Also I really love world building AAAAA i wanna invent shit and make shit up and shake it around like a snow globe. I believe elves went to the moon much sooner than humans with just magic, dwarves have found fallen space rocks and meteors and used them to forge their weapons, winged elves or any species who can fly already mapped the world and drew all the know maps before humans even learned how to tame horses.

Also the horses is funny, elves has seen them all their lives but never bothered to tame it because it feels weird yk? Why would they ride on an animal, plus their cousin is a centaur so it feels even more weird.

Then they see the humans coaxing the horses with carrots while holding a saddle behind their back, skip a few years and suddenly the horse population skyrockects as humans steal this one animal to their side.

Imagine being a wood elf and in harmony with all of nature, then glancing over at the human city and feeling very confused on what these weird wolves are and why do the humans call them dogs, also why are they obeying the humans and holy shit that one is wearing bowtie.

Occasionally humans just wander into the forest, spot an animal that seems semi useful then kidnap it back to their city, suddenly their population spikes and they're the new best friends of humanity.

It happened the other way with cats tho, the wood elves remember overhearing two cats talking about the hairless apes wandering around and how one was betting the other that they can get them to share their food by just screaming at them.

Humans probably inspired their cuisine based on halflings' recipes since they didn't add soul consuming spices for fun like elves and didn't sprinkle in literal gem and gold dust like dragonborns.

A human with a Halfling neighbour who comes over every other day to share their stew because "they accidentally made too much and can't possibly finish it all themselves so how about you grab a bowl or two, human?"

One day the human makes a joke about how they're a simp or going to horny jail, whatever modern shitposting meme is trending, and the halfling takes it seriously and offers to sleep with them.

I mean, that is basic neighbourly hospitality to them. Of course they will fuck their friend who is in need, you don't even have to ask twice, come here and lay down and they'll take care of you until satisfied.

Now their trips over to your house are twice as frequent, half to feed you their cooking, other half to sate your lust appetite.

#♡human kink #♡halflings #♡smut #dnd human kink #♡modern au human kink

34 notes · View notes

mary-asher · 11 months

Text

TW TRIBETWELVE

Hello Everyone I Am Mary Asher I Am 60 Years Old I Love My Son My Wine And My Spare Time And I Plan On Sharing Some Of My Spare Time With You . I Will Post About My Day To Day Like My Food And My Outings And My Friends And Maybe More I Don’t Know Really Alexa Please Play Queen’s Top Hits . Also You Can Send Me Asks And You Can Come Say Hello And Read My Posts And Send Me Messages . I Hope I Am Welcome Here I Am Here From The Reddit Strike .

hi i'm op. sorry this blog's gonna be fuckign awful this is a bit i thought of w friends and my ass cannot resist tha fuckin bit.

only ask rule is no nsfw thats not a like joke (im a minor) and no death threats her ass is NOT the real mary asher 😭

my mains @milos-journal yk how it be

tags for the blog:

#is this fucking anything - for OOC posting, may be done to answer any asks for me OOC for here in particular

#mary posting - mary posting. in general

#mary int - interaction with other in-character blogs. since this is technically rp but is p much just abstract shitposting

#mary answers - for asks

#slendblr - tag for me, my friends, and whoever else chooses to join the weird shit post in-character blogging.

this post has all the tags under it so that way it's easy to navigate (esp for mobile users)

i am making a new-er tag because i don't wanna interfere w the ACTUAL slenderverse blogosphere, that shit's cool and if you have spare time find some slenderblogs to give a spin and try.

#is this fucking anything #mary posting #slendblr #mary int #mary answers #tribetwelve #mary asher #slenderverse #tw tribetwelve

2 notes · View notes

bisharp-that-likes-chips · 2 years

Text

HELLO BOIIIIIIIIIIIISSS!

I am a new random tumblr person that makes fanfics cuz i have nothin better to do 😃 (other than touch grass but whatever). im only writing for madness combat atm but i might expand my interests eventually.

I will write:

-ships (canon x canon) (canon x reader)

-fluff

-angst

-shitposts

i wont write:

-smut (yea im 16, but ill write just a teensy bit of sussy content)

-any illegal stuff, i dont need the fbi at my door.

so yea, hello and…absolutely.

Master list:

#Madness combat #madness combat x reader #shitpost #19 dollar fortnite card

11 notes · View notes

ratsoh-writes · 3 years

Note

Shitposts ask to get your mind off all the yan, kid made their dad a father's day present at school today! Except it's that one cursed wire legged Mickey Mouse image, 'father, I crave chedder'. They look so proud of it too!

I love this lol. I recently found the stash where my mom kept all my old f*cked up doodles of my creepy pasta days. Good times

Sans: at first he loves the dang thing. It’s so ugly it hurts but that’s what gives it charm. Sans lets his kid pick the spot he puts it, which is on his dresser, right next to the bed. Big mistake. He jumped about five feet when he woke up and turned to face the creepy Mickey mouse. Now it has a special spot for in the closet. If kid ever asks, he can always just shortcut it out lol

Papyrus: despite the creepy face, papyrus still thinks the gift is very well done, and he’ll proudly display it in his desk at work. And secretly enjoy how it freaks his employees out

Star: he’ll coo over it until his kid is satisfied then the second they leave, Star turns to his SO and is all “WHERE SHOULD I HIDE IT??”

Honey: how can he not love this thing when it’s a gift from his child?? You see, honey is clever. He’s got a little display cabinet in his kids room where they put up their favorite artwork. He’ll make a spot for it there, then when his kid inevitably wants to make another clay project, honey just needs to say they only have room for one so it looks like they’ll need to replace the Mickey monster mouse. What a shame, don’t worry, he’ll take care of it.

Red: “is tha’ me?”

Kid: “what no daaaaddddd it’s Mickey moouusee”

Red: *clearly trying not to laugh* “then why’r his teeth so sharp?”

Yea, he just messes with his kid as long as possible, insisting that the cursed Mickey Mouse is him until the storm off lol. Red displays it in the kitchen.

Edge: he’ll of course thank his kid. Then he does them one better by point out all the qualities that this nightmare fuel has that would make it a worthy opponent. His kid giggles about him being silly and leaves, then edge throws it in the garage with the rest of the creepy gifts lol

Mal: he’s super happy to receive another creepy gift from his kid. Not because of how they look, but mal is just happy to see them being creative. So he always encourages them to keep making things. You gotta start somewhere!

Cash: this creepy Mickey Mouse is now his personal elf on the shelf. Cash lives hiding it in places of the house where it can startle his SO. He’s also that dad who would convince his kids it was “alive” by putting it in silly positions each morning before they wake up.

Oak: “aw, thank you sweetheart, why don’t you give it to your mom/other dad? I don’t want to loose it.. 🙃” Its his SOs problem now lol

Willow: same as papyrus, he’ll find a great spot in the bakery for it to creep out his employees. And if they ever ask, he’ll just brag about how his amazing child made it for him. Now nobody can question it. Every now and then, papyrus and willow can be a bit sadistic

#undertale imagines #undertale headcanons #undertale #underswap #underfell #swapfell #horrortale

113 notes · View notes

gaygryffindorgal · 3 years

Text

thank you for the tag and your kind words @the-al-chemist!

1. why did you choose your url?

it’s just a fun description of verna, who is a lesbian gryffindor! also it just rolls of the tongue doesn’t it? XD

2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

i have a bunch. this blog has its own account because i wanted to send asks and like stuff as gaygryffindorgal. in addition i have a “main blog” for my multifandom stuff @skywwalkers and a simblr @bellagothsupremacy which is pretty new! i also have a separate account for my lord of the rings online blog which can be found at @maltheinielofgondor

those are the ones i actually update! i have some old sideblogs that i don’t use anymore and haven’t deleted...

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

oh man, since 2011...

4. do you have a queue tag?

yeah, just #queued

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

originally back in 2011 it was to reblog marvel stuff or something like that... i started my hphm blog because i wanted a void to scream into about my ocs! i never expected to gain any kind of following on here but i love this community to bits <3

6. why did you choose your icon?

i worked really hard on tha edit of verna in a hogwarts uniform and i was proud of it so i made it my icon!

7. why did you choose your header?

i like the marauders’ map design from the films and it fitted my blog, no deep reason behind it, really.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

i think it’s this one i made of rowan ages ago! i still like it though.

9. how many mutuals do you have?

oohh i have no idea?? i think i have quite a lot but as i am a shy bitch i only talk to a few with any regularity xD

10. how many followers do you have?

this blog currently has 92! we’re pretty close to 100 and if i ever reach that i’m gonna do something cool for you guys<3

11. how many people do you follow?

133 blogs atm! i’m trying to follow as many cool hphm blogs as i can find, and i’m always discovering new people.

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

oh yeah, a few times. i’m just not as funny as some people on this site skdjflksj

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

uuhh idk, a lot. i have so many interests and tumblr caters to all of them so if i’m not actively posting about hphm i’m spending time at one of my other blogs.

14. have you ever had a fight/argument with a blog?

i don’t think so? one time as a teen i reblogged something stupid and got anon hate, apologized and deleted that post and that’s the worst i’ve ever had here. i avoid Discourse like the plague.

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

don’t like them. you can also get notes by being actually talented instead of guilt-tripping people...

16. do you like tag games?

love them! every time someone actually tags me in something i gain serotonin!

17. do you like ask games?

same as above! love them a lot<3

18. Which of your mutuals do you consider to be Tumblr famous?

idk? i have no idea who’s “tumblr famous”, never really had?? lmao.. sorry you guys if one of you is actually famous...

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i love all of my mutuals and would 100% die for any of you, does that count?

20. tagging (no pressure)

i have no idea who has done this already sorryyyy

@gcldensnitch

@hphmmatthewluther

@amerrymystery

#tag games

6 notes · View notes

ollie-oxen-free · 6 years

Text

this started out as a shitpost how did it end up like this

(it was only a shitpost, it was only a shitpost)

but seriously. @itsladykit and i were joking in chat abt how twist and my slim would certainly both wear those inflatable t-rex costumes, and i tried to write it, but i started and it ended up as an actual fucking fic what the fuck. so anyways i now share kit’s curse of not being funny (ha ha BURN). enjoy anyways, bitchados

Slim lay on his bed, arms spread to the side and gaze fixed on the ceiling. He’d run out of drugs a while ago (he wasn’t entirely sure how long ago it was, but it was fine since time was a man-made construct to begin with and everyone in the universe was existing at the exact same time as everyone else no matter what the clock said) but the high was still buzzing in his skull, making his limbs feel heavy. The tips of his phalanges were cold, but the rest of his body felt like it was burning. He almost wished it was.

With a groan, he pushed himself up, swinging his legs the six inches to the floor from the amazing height of his bare mattress, standing and making his way out of his room. Laying there would only result in even more edgy thoughts, all poetic and emo, and that was the last thing he really needed. The first thing he needed were some more drugs.

He shuffled over to the painting that was hanging on the wall, lifting it to check his secret stash. Instead of drugs he found a crumpled post-it note from his past self: a reminder to buy more drugs. He flipped off the slip of paper, as if the action would make more magically appear, before he walked away with a groan, flopping down onto his couch. The furniture was just as shitty as the rest of his apartment. Of course it was; he’d found it for free on the sidewalk when he was stumbling home drunk off his ass. He still had no idea how the hell he got it in the house.

But it functioned and only occasionally stabbed him with a spring, so he kept it. It wasn’t the first thing that had shanked him and it most certainly wouldn’t be the last. He sighed as he lifted his hands, balling them into fists in front of his face before releasing them, looking between his gloved right and ungloved left. Wow, he thought, I really need to get another fucking glove. But he wouldn’t. He never followed through on jack shit.

He pulled back the edge of his glove, looking at the charred bone (more of a brand than an injury, he’d seen the same mark on so many others, because even now he was stuck in all the same bullshit, blistered bone all blackened and charred and broken) before he dug his thumb into the edge of the scar, pressing harder and harder as it started to hurt and-

“SLIM!”

He swore, launching himself off the couch before tripping over his own fucking feet and landing on his face. He laid there for a moment, hoping that he would magically burst into flames, but hope had never been his strong suit and so he pushed himself up, squinting around the room. He waited a minute before the voice came again, familiar and muffled behind the door. “I know yer home! Yer jeep is still in tha bushes, so yer here!”

Slim yawned, turning his face into the carpet. “Yeah, yeah, m’here.”

“Then lemme in!” The door handle jiggled, drawing attention to itself. Slim glared at it, trying to remember how to open a door in his inebriated state, before realizing that he would have to get up to unlock it. He sighed, shoving his face back into the rough fibers of the floor.

“Just kick down the fucking door. I don’t think I can move.”

There was a pause before a crash came, Twist doing just that, entering and looking proud of himself. He stopped after a few steps, his smile falling as he looked around. “Damn, bitch. Ya really live like this?”

“So, first of all,” Slim groaned as he pushed himself up, gathering his feet under himself and trying to balance, “if you wanna be accurate with that meme then you need a snapback and I need a rose.”

Twist snickered, but the expression quickly fell as he looked Slim over. His gaze lingered on his gloved hand, and Slim looked down to see that his glove was still pulled halfway off, showing the scarred bone and the fresh mark he had carved into himself. He discreetly pulled the edge of the glove up, glad that he was so sneaky and good at hiding secrets.

“Ya alright, bud? Ya’ve been missin’ fer a few days.”

“Missing what?” He asked as he hobbled into the kitchen- god, he had absolutely no fucking memory of twisting his ankle, what the hell- skillfully avoiding the question.

Unsurprisingly, Twist followed him, watching as he sorted through the barren cabinets in hopes of finding something to eat. “Well, fer one, the other day Stretch ate so much ice cream tha’ he got sick ‘n puked in th’ shop.”

“Did you get it on video?”

“‘Fraid not.”

Slim swore, pouting as he went back to scrounging up some kind of meal. He pulled out a packet of saltine crackers, shrugging as he tore them open to feast like a king.

“Yer injured” Twist said, voice soft and quiet.

Slim internally cursed himself as he glanced down at the bandages that were wrapped around the left side of his ribcage, clearly in view from his tank top. “Got into a scuffle. Apparently telling a group of humans you’re buying drugs from you’re not a cop makes some people ansty.”

He could tell that Twist didn’t buy it, head cocked to the side and gaze still focused on the bandages. Twist sighed, slinging his hands in his hoodie. “I ain’t gonna tell ya what ta do, sweetheart, but you ‘n I…” he trailed off with another sigh. Always breathing, that guy. “Neither one of us can really afford ta risk a deadly scuffle.”

Twist gave him a pointed look, letting him know that it wasn’t themselves they needed to be worried about. Slim shrugged anyways, taking a bite of the stale cracker. It was dry and flavorless in his mouth. “I don’t got much to lose here, Twisted.” He swept the arm not occupied with food around the kitchen, the tiles cracked and the ceiling water-stained. He could fix it up, of course. Could afford better, could take better care of it. He popped the rest of the cracker in his mouth.

Twist frowned. “Don’ say that.”

Slim grinned, shooting Twist a wink and a finger gun, reaching for another cracker. Twist reached out, slowly enough that he could stop him, and grabbed his arm, tugging him away from the counter. He resisted, digging his heels into the floor, only for Twist to step forward and sweep him up, throwing him over his shoulder. Slim blinked, his drug-addled mind struggling to come to terms with the fact that, hey, he was no longer on the ground.

His leg swung out, trying to kick the other, but the action jarred his injury, making him hiss and give up in resignation. “Twist. My crackers.”

Twist didn’t seem concerned, humming happily as he grabbed his coat from where it was piled and swiped up his shoes, not bothering to shut the door behind him. It was broken anyways. Slim thought about telling him to go back and shut it, but the only thing of value he really had in the house was a gift card to Walmart that had $20 on it, and even then he had no idea where it was.

“Twist. My crackers.”

“M’sure my bro‘ll make something fer ya!”

Slim groaned, going limp on his shoulder as Twist grabbed the scooter he’d set against the fence, somehow managing to maintain the skill needed to hold him and balance on the toy. He would’ve been impressed if both his feet were on the ground. “The last time I ate something BB made me, it was poisoned. I was paralyzed for days.”

“‘N ya didn’ leave tha house,” Twist said. “‘N ya didn’ get yerself hurt.”

“You seem pretty happy for a kidnapper.”

Twist snickered, slowing a bit to turn the corner before pushing them faster and coasting down the hill. “Nah. S’only kidnappin’ if yer a minor, Sweetheart.”

“...Sounds about right.” It really didn’t, but Twist laughed anyways, adjusting him gently enough that it didn’t agitate his injuries too greatly, making a wide turn around the corner, heading back to his own house. Slim closed his eyes with a sigh. It really wasn’t worth the fight.

The crackers were stale anyways.

31 notes · View notes