#jaskier'sbaddecisions™
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New headcannon: most Witchers don't have a lot of sex. The rumour that Witchers are really sexually active was started due to Vesemir's slut era and was solidified due to Geralt's escapades.
Everyone else has depression and can't get it up
#the witcher#the witcher netflix#witcher geralt#witcher#jaskier#witcher lambert#witcher eskel#jaskier'sbaddecisions™#aiden witcher#incorrect witcher quotes
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Witcher/Jaskier Fic Ideas I've not written yet but think should be unleashed to the public
Aiden tells Jaskier the secret to finding the Cat Caravan. He uses that knowledge to fuck with the Witchers
Cats are taught sign language to communicate sneakily- 2 Witchers have a screaming match through only sign to the amusement and confusion of everyone around them
Jaskier hires Witchers for the oddest jobs you can imagine. Shenanigans ensue.
Jaskier talks about wanting to fuck Witchers around Witchers for the sake of amusing them and seeing their reaction
Jaskier pays the Cats to help with the Sandpiper business. It's all good till the Wolves overhear Jaskier telling a Witcher to "take out the elves"
Jaskier writes a series of books called "How to train your Witcher" and it's actually good advice
Jaskier offers to share his inn room with a random Witcher. He either doesn't know or doesn't care that said Witcher DOES NOT trust him in the slightest
Jaskier keeps accidentally bumping into the Caravan on his solo travels. It's awkward every. Single. Time.
Jaskier isn't short on money or time: whenever he hears a Witcher is near he bursts into their rooms or camps- throws money and supplies at them and runs away
Jaskier starts name dropping Witchers in his songs, which is both hilarious and infuriating for said Witchers
Jaskier finds (steals) a dead Witchers medallion from a royal and goes on a wild goose chase to find a Crane still alive so he can give back the medallion to the right school, unaware that they've gone extinct
#the witcher#the witcher netflix#witcher geralt#jaskier#witcher#witcher eskel#witcher lambert#jaskier'sbaddecisions™#witcher aiden#aiden witcher#cat witchers#this is literally only for my benefit
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Started thinking and... What if Valdo Marx isn't an actual person? What if it's an inside joke that got out of hand? Or just a Title that Jaskier gives to anyone who he doesn't like or slightly inconveniences him? OR maybe it's a fake name he made up so he can have an arch nemesis and thus gain reputation points.
My point is, it'd be so much funnier for Valdo Marx to be a catch-all name for anyone Jaskier decides isn't worth to remember by name because that'd mean that the djinn wish would have done nothing one way or the other.
#the witcher#the witcher netflix#witcher geralt#witcher#jaskier#jaskier'sbaddecisions™#incorrect witcher quotes#valdo marx
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Reminder that in the books Geralt had the hots for Essi Daven which is basically Dandelion genderbent (and Dandelion secretly shipped it A LOT. )
#the witcher#the witcher netflix#witcher geralt#witcher#jaskier#jaskier'sbaddecisions™#witcher books#dandelion#essi daven
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Keep on thinking about Jaskier having like, an actual Deus ex Machina. It's not that he's been lucky all this time travelling with Geralt, it's that the world genuinely conspires to keep him alive no matter what is happening. Even the monsters are like "ok... That dude, is like, no. No we don't harm him."
#jaskier#the witcher#the witcher netflix#witcher geralt#witcher#jasktag#jaskier the witcher#jaskier'sbaddecisions™
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Geralt: where's Jaskier?
Yen: *shrugs*
Jaskier, 3 miles away:
#the witcher#the witcher netflix#witcher geralt#witcher#jaskier#jaskier'sbaddecisions™#incorrect witcher quotes
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A bard's rage
Oneshot
100 0~words
Cw: murder, mentions of pedophilia
He was walking down the path, going to Prada to meet up with Geralt when it happened.
He passed by this small village, nothing to write home about, but he did stop to talk to the locals since he was there.
This little girl came up to him requesting songs, and he obliged. Sat right there on the floor and played her jigs to dance to. The neighbours watched on with suspicion at first, but it didn't take long before they were enjoying the sight too.
She danced and danced and didn't seem to tire. And Jaskier sang till his voice grew hoarse.
Many hours later, she stopped dancing and giggling. She looked him in the eyes and said "thank you, Sir" with the most delightful of expressions.
He nodded, and told her
"Why of course, you're my lil' buddy now! When you're older you could be a professional dancer with that much grace!"
He only said it to make her giggle some more, of course, and it worked.
"May I tell you a secret?" The little one asked him then, coming close to his ear. He nodded, not expecting much to come from this conversation.
"I have a different older friend" the girl started, whispering in his ear. And Jaskier was intrigued.
"How much older?" He asked her.
"Much, much older. And we only play at night" she continued, sounding breathless and anxious.
He nodded to her to continue- not liking where this was going.
His blood ran cold as the little girl explained to him how her and the "older friend" played.
"Play, huh… is that what you call it?" He asked, voice hoarse and eyes bulging. He tried to stay calm for the sake of not scaring her off- but inside he was seething.
"Please don't tell me parents" she asked him, looking around as if they'd appear out of thin air.
"They don't like it when I stay up past my bedtime"
He clenched his hands into fists to keep his calm, nodding his head to the little one.
"I won't tell a soul" he promised.
The little girl ran off, then, to go back home. He followed her. He should be going to Prada but no, he had to follow her.
He had to.
He watched on as life went on in the little girls home. He waited till the time she told him off. He waited and waited and then he spotted him.
Young adult, probably around his own age when he came out of Oxenfurt.
Young adult- but still an adult.
Still too old.
The blood in Jaskier's body boiled as he watched on.
The young man stood behind the family's shed, waiting for his victim to come "play".
What the young man didn't see was the dagger that was now puncturing his lung. A hand over his mouth prevented others from hearing the scream that rang through the night as Jaskier murdered the man in cold blood. He stabbed him some more after. 23 times. 1 for every time the little girl asked him to not tell the parents because she was scared of being grounded.
When the body stopped responding, he dragged it to the street and placed it at the family's doorstep with a note.
"This man abused your daughter every single night and you didn't notice. I will come back, and if I find out that you knew or that this happened because of you, I'll make sure your fate is similar to his"
He walked then. He walked till morning and he still wasn't tired. Covered head to toe in blood, clutching the knife he used for dear life.
He used that knife for dear life.
He still wasn't satisfied, though. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough.
His mind went back to Geralt, then. How he said that he doesn't take contracts on humans.
'That's ok' he thought to himself.
'I'll just take them myself'.
He walked non stop till he reached Prada. The blood had dried on him, yet he couldn't care less.
He wondered if that village would try to find and execute him.
He wondered if they'd help the little girl.
He wondered as he wandered.
He knew he was late for the meeting.
He knew he didn't care.
Walking into the inn, he asked if a Witcher had checked in at the reception- ignoring the murmurs of the patrons and the fear in the woman's eyes behind the counter.
At a nod, he left to find him. Didn't even ask for a room number.
He knew that Geralt would be out the door the Instant he smelled the massacre drying on his skin.
He was right, 3rd room to the left, the door burst open and out comes Geralt, ready to defend or kill.
The sword clatters to the ground at the sight of Jaskier.
"What happened?!" He grunted out, coming to check that Jaskier wasn't gravely injured.
The bard stayed quiet. He had nothing to say.
Is this how Geralt feels? Is this why he's always so quiet? Always mourning the lives of others?
The thought didn't have time to develop, Geralt had grabbed him by the arms and was shaking him lightly, as if to wake him up.
"Jaskier? Jaskier! Answer me! What happened?!" He asked, barely showing the rising panic that was overtaking him.
"Don't blame me- love made me crazy" he ends up spitting out.
He was never one to love children, but still, the thought of them being abused… It did something to him. Made something snap and wrinkle in his chest.
"Order me a bath" he ends mumbling, sidestepping Geralt to get in the room and sit down.
He didn't want to explain.
He didn't want to form excuses.
He didn't want Geralt to question his moral compass.
He didn't want.
He'd do it again. He would do it again. It was but a matter of time.
He sat down on a chair and let Geralt fret over him. He just grunted and hummed as replies.
How sad, that he ended up like this.
He closed his eyes and waited for the bath.
He slipped in silently when it arrived, unbothered by taking off his clothes.
He let the water become filthy from the blood as he rested in the hot water.
Somewhere along the line, Geralt got the hint and stopped asking questions.
He didn't want to explain. So he wouldn't.
And he'd do it again, whether the law or Geralt disagreed or not.
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Writing prompt for later:
Jaskier is vibing at Oxenfurt when a knock at the door disturbs him, opening the door there is a hoard of young teens standing in front of him, looking anxious and scared.
"hello, I know this might be sudden, but hi, you're our dad"
#jaskier#the witcher#the witcher netflix#witcher geralt#incorrect witcher quotes#jaskier'sBadDecisions™#thereAreAtLeast20KidsAndALotOfThemAreRoyals#JaskierIsFocked#GeraltIsDone#ChildSupport
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