#ive felt sort of beholden to keeping it quiet on here bc i felt bad since it was still kinda a secret irl. but i think the word is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pepprs · 2 years

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i like uh. literally cannot believe what is happening is still happening btw.pain and suffering (update omg i hit tag limit CRINGE but i think i was done anyway lol)

#purrs #ive felt sort of beholden to keeping it quiet on here bc i felt bad since it was still kinda a secret irl. but i think the word is #traveling fast irl so im giving myself permission to talk about it with my dearest belovedest mutuals some of whom are irl friends i have #ghosted for the last week and a half despite initially trying to set something up bc i have been so miserable over it that i can’t function #and for that i apologize and i swear to god i will get it together eventually. but ok. the thing that happened is that. lol i am crying #typing it bc how do i even say it. my supervisor who is also my mentor who is also dare i say my friend who is also my close colleague who i #is also the reason i even got to the place im in to begin with in so many ways… got a new job. and didn’t tell us she did and dropped it on #us last week. literally a week after i started my new job and i was so so so looking forward to getting to work closely with her in this new #way at last and um. that is not happening anymore. and it could be so much worse like thank GOD she didn’t *** or whatever which is #something i worry about literally constantly. but this hurts. it’s devastating and i feel betrayed even though im so happy for her and she d #deserves it so much. and im so fucking sad and do fucking scared bc there’s literally 3 of us now and we have to NOT PANIC and act like we #are processing this totally fine or else we will face Consequences which are the same reasons she’s leaving probably. lol. idk. it’s very #cringe to post about it and not vague and i know it’s like weird to be close to work and to your colleagues and whatever but it has never #been just work and it’s like. how can this person come into my life and utterly transform it and we go on this journey together and we JUST #reached this beautiful glorious pinnacle but then you leave?? and who knows how long she was planning to do this. lol. and despite how s #much i care abt her im the least close to her personally out of everyone on the team so i am suffering and withering and exploding and #sobbing and howling and barking and i want to talk to her so bad and tell her how much she means to me and that it is physically painful to #think about doing this without her bc she was supposed to like. help me and stuff bc she went thru baiscally the same path im on lol and we #have a lot in common in terms of identity / life situation and i was like ummmmm hi can you teach me how to be a fuller version of myself.#and this ks like such a wake up call that no *i* need to teach me that and no one can. but i don’t want that to mean losing her and im so #scared that she won’t be in my life anymore and i am going to miss her so much. im going to miss every little thing and it’s killing me and #i can’t stop crying about it and it feels like a fucked up nightmare and everything is different now and im temporarily secon in command who #which is like wtf no that’s YOU. come back. how could you leave. but she needed to i guess and i just didn’t know how bad. but it hurts ummm #lol. and if she knew how hard ive been losing my shit i think she would be angry and sad and like surprised bc i think she thinks im #normaler than i am now but it’s like god. there was so much to look forward to and i was already feeling weird about the future and now it’s #like the little parts of it i at least knew i could count on are totally gone because she’s leaving us for fucking ****** of all places LMAO #delete later #i know it’s like weird to vent abt irl stuff / ppl so candidly i know what it suggests about me but this is like my best possible coping #mechanism rn i guess or at least it feels the best bc ppl like the posts and you don’t even have to say anything it just lets me know that #like. im not insane for it iwguess. even though iwreally feel like it. idk. i just am going to miss her so much. i wish i could stop crying

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