unfortunately for everyone i now have a random chance of posting about my students project

Episode 5 | Forgive Me Cowtown For I Have Sinned - Ari

ohhhhh i found something JUICY tonight!!! so yesterday the hosts got tired of me constantly asking how many fuel i have and gave me the command to view it, and i knew i was outta points so i was like ok cool we'll check it out tomorrow. TURNS OUT the scorekeeper bot shows you not just your personal points.... but the points of everyone in the game.... and WHOM is number two on that list with 36 entire points? that's right. my best friend keegan. my first thought was wtf ew how did he already recover from my sabotage, i feel zero percent guilty about doing that now! and then my second thought was WAIT...... this is PERFECT. so you can bet i ran right to all three of my allies to be like "hey omg i found something shady :0 didn't keegan say all his fuel got blown up the other day? well i pulled some receipts and it turns out he still has all of it! why would he lie about that??? so sus!" and now i'm laughing because there could not be a more perfect excuse to get him gone!!! i'm not gonna push it any more than that right now - for all i know, we'll prob win the next challenge again - but i've tucked the ammo away in my pocket, planted the ari seed in jonathan and zoe's heads, and i'll let it sit pretty there until i need it. also, i ended up telling ali what i did to keegan simply because he is 100% not going against me and i needed someone to tell me i'm funny, so i also let him know about this plan o mine and that we could use this against sir keegan, which he's so down for. god. i cannot wait to tell mj about all this shit.

Jacob being voted out of NuTrian is the second best thing that could have happened. Preferably Nathan but my OG Andro and Jessie are safe so that’s very good. Now we’ve got a Guess Who challenge which is okay. I don’t care if we get first or second, I just really really don’t want to get last. Let’s keep the good vibes going and be safe for a fifth straight tribal council. Ali told me he scored 11 points, I scored 10. I hope Zoe can whip out her survivor magic with a score of 8 or 9. And then hopefully Jonathan can pull out a good score as well. Nathan and Zach have both scored 12 on this challenge before, so I can only hope they keep up with that and score high again. Gotta make sure those other tribes flop. I’m still incredibly uncertain about how to play this steal a player advantage. It’s possible we ride this 3 tribe split all the way to merge. My guess is merge at 11 or 10. That would be quite a few tribals to go without another swap but it’s certainly possible. Though I could absolutely see a swap now at 12. Two tribes of six, and then merge at 10. A final 3 with 7 jurors perhaps? Either way, I think I’ll hold on to this advantage until it seems likely that I’ll need it. No sense in causing some chaos if it isn’t necessary.

ok so i'm doing well in challenges rn, as best as i can at least, and i feel like that's the only thing keeping me alive bc.... nobody talks to me. i feel like i'm starting every one on one conversation and desperately trying to keep it alive and not be left on read. idk if they're like this with each other or if its just me but !!!!!! it doesnt make me feel good abt potentially losing a challenge. so i will just keep carrying my weight and keeping my cute little head down and pray im just being paranoid<3

WELL We lost the immunity challenge which is the first loss after four straight immunity wins. That was a nice little break while it lasted. The obvious choice right off the bat is to vote for Ali. Keeps the OG Andro tribe fully intact, and avoids the most possible drama. However, I worry he might have found the Circi idol from his original tribe. Plus whatever advantage he may have gotten from the first challenge of the season. So the alternate thought is to maybe vote for Jonathan or Zoe. I adore Ari would not want to vote them out. It's tempting to throw a vote on one of them in the event of Ali playing an idol, just to keep myself safe. But if Ali doesn't have an idol, that could cause a whole world of issues. On the flip side, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some or any of my tribe mates decided to throw my name under the bus. I haven't been the most social person and while I have definitely pulled my weight in the challenges, I could see them having their own little group that's willing to throw my under the bus and make things as painless as possible for the rest of them, especially considering they've all said they like Ali a lot. Ahhh this is all so much worse considering I have the hidden immunity idol. I don't want to waste it, but I also don't want to pull a Kellee Kim and go home with it in my pocket. 

it's kind of ridiculous how well this is all going???? why havent they voted me out yet i am running this shit -talked to ali, told him he's gonna be fine we just need to get people to vote for keegan -talked to jonathan, convinced him keegan is the most logical vote "because he's shady" and because it also means we can vote ali easily next time (versus going down to andro 4 and having it get much more messy) -jonathan was like "should we tell ali right before the vote?" and i was like i think you should call him and see where his head is at and we can go from there, jonathan said ok good point, if he says he wants to vote keegan and he also tells you that without any prompting from either of us we know he's real about it -yeeted myself into ali's dms the very second jonathan hung up like OK LISTEN HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN HE CALLS YOU, HE CANT KNOW I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS -ali called me half an hour later like "omg we had such a good talk i love jonathan now deadass, i told him exactly what you said to say and he's so down" -presumably in the morning jonathan will call me and say "wow had a great talk with ali he seems cool and great and he said he'd vote keegan, what did he tell you?" and i can say "yeah same he mentioned keegan so i think we're good!" and jonathan will feel like we Did This Together and ali will feel like i Did This For Him and everyone will be in love with me -all i have to do tomorrow is make sure zoe is on board & that she doesn't feel pushed, and prob call keegan and make him some vague promises about working together long term, and then cross my fingers that i don't get blindsided during my editorial meeting at 9pm est i am having so much fun

i just keep thinking about how funny it’s gonna be when we get to merge and mj tells me to vote out all these people i’ve been making f2s with and i’ll be like “okay!!!!<3”

Not to go back to INV this round, but not much has been going on. I've been keeping up socializing but since we're not going to tribal it's been more quiet than it has been last round. I'm really glad we won though bc I feel vulnerable if we go to tribal again. Cindi seems close to Nathan, and Nathan and Jessie seem closer to each other than they will be to me so I'm worried I'd be an easy vote. So I'm really hoping for a swap or merge tonight, or at least a challenge we can excel in. Don't want it to come down to one point again.

^_^ Okay, so no important updates with this tribe! It's freaking QUIET. I haven't talked to Zach or Silver at ALL since being with this tribe. I've talked to Jules a lot and Asya some, though. I'd like to work with the two of them if possible and if we ever go to tribal here, which I don't want to do because uhhh it's worrisome! Anyway, the only actual update I have is that I found the legacy advantage!!! Randomly at like 2AM I found it. I don't remember what I was doing exactly... I think I just went to watch the Circi round 3 tribal and then the Trian round 4 tribal... and then I think I went to watch the Tribe Swap video to see if there was some sort of announcement made regarded the Oxygen Tank amounts because I was confused why that number was changed more than double. I guess I was also thinking that since the hosts didn't make an announcement that the adventure was resetting at the swap then MAYBE there would be a new twist/advantage inserted elsewhere for this next phase of the game? Now, being the crackhead that I am, of course back on original tribes, I SEARCHED everywhere on the blog that I could think of. Extenders URLs, the source code, hidden hyperlinks - everything. Nothing was there. But in this case, my brain said, hmm, let's just scroll down and see if there's anything in the description of the Tribe Swap Youtube video...and... there was!! I didn't really know what it was at first but when I opened it everything CLICKED! Finally the Reem Cameo from launch night serving a bigger purpose made total sense. After seeing this link in the description though and realizing it was calling back to something we were told about night one, I went back and checked to see if this had been hidden all along, and of course it's literally in the description of the Cast Reveal video!!! and every other video after that!!! Keeping in mind that I found this 11 days into the game, I was like, oh there's definitely some nerd that found this instantly on night 1 so I'm probably just gonna get a message saying nothing here or something like that. Obviously that wasn't the case though. I think nobody found this because I lot of people operate via mobile in these, and Youtube descriptions require an addition click to reveal what's there. Alternatively, for desktop users, who the hell is scrolling down for any reason while you're watching videos from your ORG?? It's nothing something anyone does naturally. So that explains that. Anyway, I'm happy I found it even though it has absolutely no use until Day 39. I will say though that having this and knowing that, it has really motivated me to get to the end of this game. Coincidentally, HOURS before I found this, I had a conversation with Jules about how quiet this tribe has been and that I'd like to start working towards bettering our positions moving forward seeing as there are people here with more/stronger connections than either of us. I just love that I found an advantage that motivates me to start playing this game, exactly how I'd voiced to Jules about feeling a desire to start doing SOMETHING. We love a live narrative!!!! Anyway, I'm not gonna tell Jules about the legacy advantage because it's an advantage that incentivizes people to vote out the owner and have it passed on. I trust Jules, we go YEARS back and have to successful runs as allies under our belts, but this is just something I'd like to keep to myself. Earlier today I also decided that I'm probably never gonna tell Ari about it either if our paths ever (hopefully) cross in this game. I wanna surprise my bestie! At any rate, Jules did tell me that Zach and Asya seem like the type of players that only play on tribal days (at least in this case of this game) which is fine, but I've played a few super intense, intimate, and high-stakes ORGs in the past couple of years which has made me prioritize personal relationships with people over barebones game relationships. This makes dealing with people who aren't that interested in getting to know me or revealing themselves to me a SUPER off-putting experience and a drastic change of pace from what I've become accustomed to. But I'm totally capable of adapting to this environment... I just don't necessarily prefer it. I feel like I have room to connect with Asya on a personal level if given the chance. Zach and Silver I don't know. Although, I do think that if we ever lose immunity here I could for sure spit some game to Silver that would make him believe I want to work with him. I already have an idea of how that conversation goes, and the potential negative consequence of it is practically non-existent on this swap tribe, whereas it could have backfired on me if original Trian lost that third challenge. Anyway, I'll get into that whenever we lose or if I get bored and initiate that chat just to feel something lol

No tribal ever again until merge or swap please. Jessie would be the one I'd want out and I assume Jay would as well but she has Nathan's shard so, like, he'd lose that and then I lose my hope of getting both their shards and misplaying my first idol because I'm not good at survivor

Yayyyy we won immunity. Idk what much else to say except that I got 40 fuel tanks

today i am mad and sad. lost the challenge, was my fault bc purple not pink. no i will not elaborate. now ari jonathan and i have decided to save ali and vote out keegan. i hope it goes well. i am filled with anxiety. i don’t even want keegan to go, we just have to make the decision based on the fact that we don’t want to be seen as a tight alliance going into merge, and keegan can make it look like there was a crack therefore not making us look strong. but he is just sacrificial unfortunately. but we’ll see how it goes. i’m still anxious

Wow we won what a concept See what happens when we don’t throw comps ? Anyways yeah that’s it I guess lol

Honestly I I'm done with these hoes I'm ready to vote off Keegan 

This is definitely a very stressful and emotional tribal. I hate that we’re voting for Ali because he is a genuinely fantastic person and under different circumstances I think we could have worked really well together in this game. But when there’s a 4-1 tribe swap and the four of us have absolutely no beef with each other, there’s not a whole lot that can be done. None of my other 3 OG Andro players come across as big move players either. So unless I’m being straight up lied to and am about to get completely blindsided, it’s looking like a unanimous Ali boot. Which is incredibly sad. I really wanted us to win out until merge so we wouldn’t have to vote him out. But such is the game. Keegan signing off (hopefully not for the last time)

hypomanic writing

i was going through my computer, when im hypomanic i get on these sprees where i type everything that comes to my mind and sit at my computer doing so this is where my mind took me. i think its an interesting read: (sorry for the length)

im supposed to hang out with ___ tomorrow and idk if I should bc im like this and idk if something horrible is gonna happen but if im like how I normally am when im manic then I think I should bc people normally like me when im hypo but I mean I think In general im someone that most people enjoy but idk bc normally I don’t have the confidence to tell myself that but since its increased rn I think it but idk it could either go realllllllly good or really bad and idk im scared itll fuck something up and I thought that I was soooo stable and could handle anything and now here I am im not totally stable im actually mildly going crazy rn!!!! But that’s the scary part of people and what I was saying before ANYONE CAN MAKE THEMSELVES OUT TO BE ANYTHING. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PERSON UNLESS YOU STUDY THEIR ACTIONS. FOR EXAMPLE. If met me within the past mmmmm 4 months you would think im an emotionally stable girl who pretty much has her shit together and is only going to community college right now because she partied to much at her college or didn’t like it but prob the first one and she was prob never in iop and who knows maybe I wanna get to know her she might not have baggage BUT REALLY I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING BAGGAGE HAHAHAHAH LOL I LOL AT PEOPLE WHO THINK I DON’T HAVE ANY LIKE HELLOOOOO COME ON I AM BAGGAGE QUEEN PROB AND IM BIPOLAR AND I HAVE HAD SOOOOOO MANY BREAK DOWNS AND RUNNED MY LIFE DOWN TO NOTHING AND HAD TO PICK IT BACK UP AND THEN RAN IT BACK DOWN AND HAD TO PICK IT BACK UP AND I MAY BE MENTALLY STABLE RN BUT IM LITERALLY A TICKING TIME BOMB THAT’S GONNA HAVE A HYPOMANIC EPISODE ANY FUCKING DAY AND NOW HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND OUT OF NO WHERE IM GONNA GO CRAZY AND THE COOL GIRL WITH HER SHIT TOGETHER THAT YOU ONCE THOUGHT I WAS WAS THERE NO MORE AND I BECOME A MONSTER WHO ONLY CARES ABOUT HERSELF AND GETTING HER WAY AND WILL DO WHATEVER SHE CAN TO GET THAT AND DOES NOT CARE ABOUT HURTING OTHERS AND SHE JUST BECOMES HORRIBLE AND DOES STUFF SHE KNOWS SHE SHOULDN’T BUT SHES SO IMPULSIVE THAT SHE DOESN’T CARE AND SHE HAS HALF OF HER MIND TELLING HER SHE SHOULDN’T DO THOSE THINGS BUT THE OTHER HALF IS TELLING HER HOW BAD SHE WANTS TO DO IT AND THEN THAT HALF OF HER BRAIN TAKES OVER HER SELF CONTROL AND SHES DOING IT AND THEN THIS STAYS ON REPEAT FOR A LITTLE AND SHE PUSHES AWAY PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT HER AND FIGHTS WITH ANYONE SHE POSSIBLY CAN AND IT’S A MESS IT’S A MESS IT’S A MESS AND THENNNNNNNNNNNNN shes back down to the bottom of the world and hating herself for everything she did and questioning every motive in her life that shes ever had and questioning if they led to the experience she just felt and that shes feeling now and hating herself for not taking good enough care of herself to prevent the low from happening and shutting herself out even more because she messed up so many things in that hypo state that she cant even bear to deal with at the moment and the thought of it freaks her out so she sleeps so she doesn’t have to bear with that feeling and to make the numbness go away and she sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and sleeps until shes woken by her worried mother and she tries to get her mother to go away and begs and begs her to let her sleep but her mom knows sleeping is not the right choice for her so she makes her move to the couch and on the couch she blankly looks at the tv not really even paying attention to anything her mind is blank her gaze is blank everything about her is blank she is empty she is lost she is alone she is nothing and she feels like she will never ever ever be anything ever again and she questions why shes even still living and if anyone would even miss her if she wasn’t here and then she thinks about her family and the friends that she still has and how her ending her pain will only pass it on to the people she loves and the people she loves are the only thing in life that she loves at the moment so she cant bear to do it but some days it just gets so bad that she thinks so deeply about it and tries to tell herself everyone will be okay and it’s the only way the pain will ever end but then she thinks about her mom and it makes her not want to do it and then she sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps until the cycle repeats and its day in and day out until her mom tells her she cant deal with this anymore and makes her go to the dr and the dr puts her on meds that make her a brick wall and she either is drowsy all the time or just has no personality and every single time she is put on a new med she experiences the rare side effects that come with it that most people normally don’t get so then she has to switch again and this cycle repeats itself until she finds one that works with her and she takes it because she knows its what she needs to do to be normal and to function like everyone. Oh how bad she wants to function like everyone else. So she keeps taking these pills every day and then her life begins to balance and she starts to get her life together again and she patches holes she made in her life before and she tries to find something that she wants to do with her life and she goes to school again and she starts to feel like the person she knows she is before and she comes back and then the medication that she was on gives her a bad side effect but her dr tells her shes been stable for so long and doing so well and that maybe she was never even bipolar in the first place maybe it was just add so she takes her off the medication and the medication leaves her system and her personality starts to come back and shes happy shes truly happy and shes stable and she has this love for life and she does everything she should and can talk herself out of doing the things that she shouldn’t do even if she wants to do them her decision making skills are so much better and shes so proud of the person shes become and her friends and family tell her the same thing and she loves herself and everything is so good and then when she thinks she really has a grasp on life and maybe she totally has this beat and it wont come back MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA IT IS BAAAAAAAACK. b