#its hard to rhyme a word like vagina | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rason-rodd · 3 years

Text

Do You Know Your Alphabet?

NSFW Edition feat Jason Todd

(I tried not to give a sexual orientation to Jason in this NSFW Alphabet and make his partner as gender neutral as possible to please all sorts of readers. Apologies if some part doesn’t include all genders. I honestly did my best and I will happily modify them if you tell me how.)

A – Anal: When he is dating someone with a vagina, Jason rarely asks for anal sex. He prefers pussy to ass but if his partner wants him to use the back door he will happily do so. However, his partner has to keep in mind that Jason always needs to be very testosterone-y and in full-dominant mode to fuck them in the ass. In a relationship with someone with a penis, Jason will usually be the one who fucks in the ass rather than the one who is fucked in the ass though he can accept to swap roles from time to time.

B – BDSM: That will be a non-negotiable “NO”. Even though he is fully aware that BDSM doesn’t only rhyme with pain but also with consent and pleasure, Jason is not a fan of it as hinted and stated many times in Red Hood and The Outlaws. We can suppose that it is because BDSM can let some poorly buried trauma surface by reminding Jason of bad memories that includes ropes and a crowbar.

C- Condom: Only when needed. Like most men, Jason doesn’t like the lack of sensation that wearing a condom involves but he is smart and responsible enough to know there are moments when you need to wear one. At a beginning of a relationship, he will always choose to wear one until he is sure that there are no risks to transmit any sort of STD. But once he knows everything is safe he will gladly ask his partner to either stop using protection and/or take contraception like a pill if said partner can get pregnant. Being a father is not in his plans and it actually scares him.

D- Dominance: Jason is a caring and highly protective boyfriend with fear of abandonment issues and those traits ultimately makes him a very possessive lover. And it shows in bed. His possessiveness coupled with his passion and devotion to his SO makes him the type of man that permanently tries to assert his dominance. But this so-called dominance is not a way to show who’s the man in this relationship or who’s wearing the pants. It is just a clumsy way to show that he is a fully committed and devoted lover who is always struggling to please his partner out of fear of not being good enough and eventually abandoned. (Who said men were not complicated sometimes?) Moreover, Jason fucks according to his mood and so his dominance always varies. Sometimes dominance can simply mean him on top and sometimes it can be synonymous of hard deep pounding from behind. Jason can indeed be a rough lover but he will never be the type to lay a hand on his SO. So you can forget any sort of slap or strangulation. He is a fighter in the streets but a lover under the sheets. But submission is very rarely his thing. Sure he will adore making love with a partner as passionate as he is and will forever be turned on by someone who can match his strength and therefore who will not mind standing up to him. But if you think you can tame him forever you’re so wrong. Jason will occasionally let you lead the way in the bedroom and he will be happy to let you do so as he will see your sudden dominance the same manner he sees his (meaning a symbol of love and devotion). But any relationship in which the place of alpha male is permanently refused to him will leave him unsatisfied and frustrated.

E- Ejaculation: One thing is sure; Jason can’t cum in a condom. When wearing one, he will always make sure to remove it to spurt his semen on his partner. Most of the time it is on their ass, chest or pussy. He will generally never cum on someone’s face though but will see no problem in cumming in someone’s mouth for as long as they swallow that load. But what he loves the most is to cum inside his partner (which is also another reason why he is not a fan of condoms). He finds a certain pleasure in doing so, finding the act rather intimate and weirdly romantic. He would never cum inside someone he doesn’t love or barely know.

F- Foreplay: Jason never forgets foreplay even if his body begs him to just fuck his partner and get it over with. To him, foreplay is necessary when you do the deed. Without that Jason will feel like something is missing and view the sexual act as botched. But to Jason Todd foreplay doesn’t only revolve around handjobs, fingering, oral sex or any other physical display. Of course he will happily do all of that but Jason is an intellectual and so he will definitely consider words as a form of foreplay. And sometimes they even arouse him more than the rest. Few naughty text messages telling him how much you miss him and his cock inside of you and the man will run back to you as fast as The Flash, his penis as hard as a stone pillar. And when that happens, you might get yourself prepared, as he won’t take much time to kiss or cuddle.

G- Gear and tool: Mother Nature blessed Jason Todd and gave him one hell of a cock that matches his broad physique! It is veiny and circumcised, long, way longer than average actually, and its girth is going to stretch and fill any hole perfectly. But this beautiful gear is not always a blessing. Indeed, you cannot take Jason’s whole cock in your mouth without gagging or chocking (though some people don’t mind that) and if you’re not lubed enough penetration can definitely hurt. So playing with that amazing tool demands patience and time. His testicles are even and rather large when you think about it but they suit the P.

H- Hairs: Jason is a hard-worker but he is extremely lazy when it comes to taking care of himself. Plus, that laziness is also coupled with the fact that he doesn’t have much time to really mind his appearance. When he is monopolized by his vigilante work, he can spend days without shaving (and sometimes showering) and not really realise that he is in an urgent need of a razor. A chance that he is not a man that tends to be very hairy! But to be honest, Jason doesn’t mind hairs in general and there are actually places he refuses to shave like his legs, his arms and the sexy line of dark hairs he has under his bellybutton. But when he actually takes time to clean and shave, he always makes sure that his armpits are not bushy, that there are no hairs on his chest and his face and that his pubic hairs are nicely trimmed (He hates shaving them.) When it comes to his partner, Jason can tolerate some hairs but he prefers when they are either fully-shaven or well-trimmed. He doesn’t like eating hairs when eating his SO out.

I- Intimacy: Jason is very ambiguous and difficult to understand when it comes to intimacy. As a possessive lover, he will always refuse to share his partner with another ‘alpha male’. He needs to be the centre of attention and the only person craved and praised in the bedroom. So when dating Jason you can forget any sort of threesome or orgy. But if his partner is interested in welcoming a person that might not overshadow Jason and let him keep his dominant place between the sheets (for example a woman) then he may accept. Single, he will happily mingle with a couple but he will somewhat see this as a competition or an opportunity to show who’s the best. But there’s definitely something that he will prefer to threesomes and that’s being watched or heard while having sex. No, he won’t drag you to some swinger’s club and allow dozens of people watch you two having sex (he is a romantic) but you need to keep in mind that Jason is a man that doesn’t limit his sexual intercourses to his bedroom. He actually loves fucking outside and/or in public places as the risks of getting caught or being heard have the tendency to get him highly turned on and have his juices flow. But he is not stupid enough to risk everything for a quick romp in front of others. Weirdly, he prefers getting caught/ being heard by people he knows - and in that case he will not stop fucking his partner and show what an amazing lay he is – than by someone he doesn’t know. It boosts his ego and he can’t help it. The only time getting caught traumatized him was when Alfred accidentally spotted him having sex in the manor. He didn’t dare catch his eye for days.

J- Jerking off: Jason can sometimes jerk off when he feels like he needs to release some stress and tension. But this solitary act requires a moment of intimacy he doesn’t often get because of his vigilantism that takes up all of his nights and energy. After a long night of patrol, given the choice, he will mostly choose sleeping over masturbation. But when he does jerk off, he always makes sure that no one is going to bother him (though he has fantasise about his crush watching him quite a few times) and he tends to think about situations rather than persons. The only times he will think about someone while masturbating will be when he has a crush on someone. Then he will imagine fucking this person and probably whisper their name.

K – Kink: Jason can be kinky but he is not the kinkiest of the bat-family. There are things he will stubbornly never try or even consider (BDSM for example) but things he will gladly do on occasion (see Intimacy + Roleplay). As said before he won’t mix violence and love. But the kinky side of Jason is just another way to spice up his relationship and show he is not a boring partner. Moreover, he is a boyfriend that takes consent and respect very seriously. He will never do anything that might hurt his SO in any way or anything they might not be confortable with. That’s why he believes he and his partner have to talk about any sort of kinks before trying to experiment them. But he will prefer doing it through text messages than face to face. He is weirdly shy when talking about sex.

L - Love: Jason has had a few one night stands but he will admit that sex is better when you’re in love. Plus, “sex gets better with time” would define Jason’s skills as a lover as he is the type of man that needs (and loves) taking his time to discover his partner’s body and desires. He is an enthusiastic learner that hasn’t yet discovered all the things he can know about sex. And that’s because he hasn’t had so many partners over the years. Though don’t think that means your first time together is going to be bad. It won’t. On the contrary, it will be great but not as great as it can become. Therefore we can jump to the conclusion that the persons that will only have Jason for one night will definitely miss something truly amazing.

M - Massage: Jason has many qualities but giving massage is not a talent he can brag about. He is honestly not that bad at it but since he believes he sucks, he will not initiate in any sort of massage session. However, he loves getting one since he loves being touched and caressed especially on his chest and back. Actually, Jason believes that caresses and cuddles cannot be dissociated from the deed and views them as necessary before, during and after the act. Also, he is the kind of men that will display his affection anytime he can though preferably in private. The rare PDA will occur if he feels jealous, threatened or worse, neglected (Don’t ever do that or the entire city will hear his wrath!).

N – Nudity: When he is in a relationship Jason is not ashamed of his body but that doesn’t make him a body-confident man in general. Don’t expect seeing him walking around fully naked! Indeed, Jason is modest and never sees his body as sexy. I mean, he knows he is muscular and well-built and all but as it is in his nature to focus on the negative, he will always be a bit hung up about the scars on his body and he will never let a one-night partner touch them or ask any sort of question about them. Only his SO will be allowed to do so and that shows how much trust and love Jason places in his relationships.

O – Oral sex: To Jason, there’s nothing sexier than his partner sucking out his cock on their knees. It gives him satisfaction and boosts his ego like nothing else because he views this act as a symbol of submission and worship, two things he deeply cares about when having sex. Fortunately he loves to reciprocate and he will not hesitate dropping on his knees to do the same. But don’t view it as him submitting to you. If that gorgeous man goes down, he goes down to make you scream his name, not to be your pet. Also, it may be seen as an asshole move but if you refuse to suck his cock, do not expect him to give you oral sex. As terrible as it sounds and even though he puts his partner’s pleasure before his own, the man gives if only you give in return.

P – Position. Jason is a romantic that craves touching and being touched and so he will always favours positions that allows him to feel his SO’s body against his or to roam their bodies with his strong hands or his lips. That’s why he will not appreciate being tied up and submitted. Jason loves positions that allow him to go deep in his partner and to see himself do so. Plus, he likes sex to be a confortable experience for both his partner and himself. Therefore do not expect acrobatic positions that will leave you tired and aching for days. He doesn’t need that to make you feel that way. His top positions are: missionary, doggy, (reverse or not) cowgirl and spooning as they will all permit his hands and/or lips to wander your body.

Q – Quickie: Jason is not really a fan of quickies as he want sex with him to be a memorable experience as well as a memento of his skills as a lover. Therefore, he strongly believes a 5 or 10 minutes sexual experience cannot show his partner what a good lay he is. And so, he will favour long nights of sweaty sex plus some good morning sex if the experience was highly pleasant.

R – Role Play: Jason is a good actor. He loves wearing disguise and impersonating different persons as we saw it quite regularly throughout RHATO. So if you want to role play, you bet he will be up for it and it will be a fun time. His favourite scenarios: the ones where he is in charge of course since they are the ones that allow him to display the little confidence he has without any sort of shyness or fear. Do you like men with a moustache? Cause Malone Jr. is on his way.

S – Stamina: Jason is kind, caring and generous out and under the sheets. He will always make sure to respect and please his partner, placing their pleasure before his own. But that doesn’t make him any less hungry than he is. He is rather insatiable when having sex and that’s probably because he doesn’t have sex often even when in a relationship (damn patrols!). Therefore, that man can sometimes get carried away, be rather quick on the mount and become a bit of a jackhammer if his partner does not refrain him. And he won’t stop until he … you know. Fortunately, his romantic side as well as his generosity will always remind him not to leave his partner unsatisfied at the end of the deed which miraculously doesn’t happen as quickly as one would expect given his frenetic pace. Because he is athletic, Jason has a very good stamina. Plus, he is the kind of lover that can recuperate rather quickly and so he can go for a round two and even a round three if his partner is up for it.

T – Talking: Jason doesn’t consider himself a dirty-talker. Sure he will let out some naughty sentences while having sex but they will never be disrespectful. He won’t call his partner a whore or any other insulting words. On the contrary he will give compliments and make praises rain and he will happily accept the same from his partner in return. He will also ask a lot of questions to reassure himself like “Do you like that?” or “Do you like my cock inside of you?” and he will also demand to be complimented (“Tell me how much you like it”) especially if his partner is silent (which is something he hates by the way). He is not a very noisy lover. He never screams or moans loudly. He grunts and growls but those noises usually are very guttural as if he is fighting to keep them to himself. Don’t do the same though. Scream, talk and let the whole neighborhood he’s fucking you good!

U – Underwear: Trunks or boxers but never briefs. Something that can hold his prominent package while he is running after criminals in Gotham City but that isn’t too tight around his thunder thighs. His underwear is generally unicolor and has no patterns. Dick bought him a pair of bat-briefs for fun once but he never wore them. Actually he probably threw them away. He likes his female partners to wear sexy fancy lingerie but he doesn’t see it as a necessary tool to be aroused. Simple underwear doesn’t turn him off but if there are some unicorns or rainbows on them … well … he might feel very uncomfortable and perplexed.

V – Virginity: He was around 16 or 17, living among the All-Caste and it was with Essence, Ducra’s daughter. Essence was Jason’s almost every first-times. Though she is not the first person he fell in love with, she was the first girl he kissed, the first girl he touched and the first girl he had sex with. Before that he had never really made out with anyone, as young Jason was the kind of boy more interested in books than in people. But Essence wasn’t just anyone. She was mysterious, fascinating and hard to get and those two traits are still something that Jason digs in a partner. If you ask Jason about his first time, he will tell you that even if he and Essence are not on best terms today, he doesn’t regret one bit of what happened with her. He truly loved her and she was here for him when no one else was.

W – Worship If you don’t know how to be complimentary then you might not be the right person for Jason. This man craves compliments and affection as much as one craves food and water. Jason cannot thrive in a relationship with a selfish partner who doesn’t flatter him as he always feels the need to be worshipped. It’s not arrogance. It’s because he is permanently scared of not being good enough. See him as an unconfident little boy who needs recognition to be happy in a way. But once you start demonstrating your admiration and affection for him, get ready to be showered with loving compliments. Worship goes in both ways in Jason’s mind. The more complimentary and loving you will be the more he will. And that works in the bedroom as well. Worship the man! Show him (and tell him!) how much you love him and how much you love what he is doing and you will be the most sexually satisfied person in the world. To make it short, worship is Jason’s fuel. To finish, If he could worship one part of his lover’s body it would be their eyes. (Told you he was a romantic!). He loves to keep eye contact with his partner while having sex and see them sparkle with lust, pleasure and happiness.

X- Xenophilia: If you look at Jason’s list of love interests, you can spot some recurring characteristics. Physically, most of them have light hair. They are often blonds or red-heads and they often have got green or blue eyes. But that doesn’t mean he won’t be interested in brunettes (Talia, Donna) and reject anyone with dark eyes (Essence’s eyes were completely black!). Because what matters the most to him is chemistry. Jason wants someone he can trust, someone he can talk to and that will understand him but that also will call him on his bullshit and stand up to him when needed. In a word, be strong and be there for him.

Y – Yearn: Unlike someone else in the bat-family (cough Dick cough), Jason will not drop his pants in a heartbeat and he doesn’t really fancy eager persons as well (Those persons are only good for one night). He loves the chase and he loves when the people he is interested in are playing hard to get. That will arouse him a lot and make him crave them even more. When he wants to have sex, Jason will drop occasional hints to show his (potential) partner that he wants them. Usually, they will be caresses, kisses and/or languorous looks. He will never clearly say out loud that he wants to have sex. But he doesn’t mind when his partner drags him to the bedroom and initiate the deed. He finds that terribly sexy even, and super complimentary.

Z – Zzzzz: Jason likes to sleep after sex with his naked partner huddled against him. Rest your head over his chest and hold him tight and he will be the happiest man in the world as, to him, it will mean ‘Stay. I feel safe with you’. But don’t expect to sleep all night especially if your relationship is brand new. You wanted Todd in your bed? You have him and he will not hesitate waking you up slowly if he wants to get in between your legs one more time. Hope you don’t mind. Plus, Jason is not the “hump and go” type of man and he will always be there in the morning with his body probably pressed against yours. Though, if you’re a night stand there are risks he might never call you again.

#Jason Todd #red hood #headcanon #do you know your alphabet

217 notes · View notes

cactusnotes · 4 years

Text

To His Coy Mistress Analysis

Buckle up boys. This is long. First, the title. Implies that, though they are not married, she is a possession to whom he is dedicated to. “Coy” implies she’s either shy, or plays hard to get. In that time, coy meant to ‘stroke’ or ‘caress’, so the poem is there, in the title, essentially. The poem is laid out with a thesis (the ‘ideal’ state), antithesis (reality) and synthesis (conclusion).

He immediately starts with “Had we”, posing an idealistic situation from the start, the plural pronoun trying to show that he feels that this is something they both want--male dominance? He says shyness is “no crime” then, implying that now, it is a crime! Once more, demonises women. The sexism is real. Another theme he introduces is time and space (“world”, highlighting the metaphysical. Then comes alliteration and assonance: “long love's day”, which extends the words, mimicking the time they could have had together, and how long he would love her, if it was possible...but also makes it boring.

Next, the theme of colonialism and conquest, as if she was a place he could invade, something exotic, unknown, new. She’s by the “Indian Ganges”, which then was seen as pure and sacred, while he’s by the Humber, where his dad died. But linked through the river (water symbolising purity, baptism and the soul). Then, it’s time for time and hyperboles (perhaps in mockery of actual love poems, by including it in his idealised, unrealistic view?) as he’d love her from before the “Flood”, 4000 years ago, until the “Conversion of the Jews” at the end of time.

It’s good old “vegetable love” next. This could be due to Aristotle’s theory of vegetative soul, which is the divine, special part of love, which is natural, but not sensible, like sexual love. With time, the speaker would cultivate it. It also, very crudely, could refer to an erection. It also has the idea that vegetables need care, but fruits practically throw themselves at him (as expressed in his poem The Garden) and that they have no time for vegetables, which she could be a peach. Then, it’s back to the theme of time. “hundred years”, “thirty thousand”, and “the last age should show your heart”. Which could either be that the climax of their love is in the purest soul (like the vegetable love), or until death then (you have to be dead to see a heart then), or, what would you expect! Another sexual innuendo, as the most raw, physical, internal love. He sees inside her. Literally.

Ooh, an indentation and a “But”. Time for reality, a volta, after that long adoration, reflecting the truth behind the words...but now for the more exciting reality. Lines get shorter, you can hear the excitement. Except he hears “Time's winged chariot”, a personification portraying time as a god, stressing its power, and their powerlessness. So if they’re powerless, why hold back?

After death there is apparently “Deserts of vast eternity”, controversially expressing either a boring afterlife, or even no afterlife. Deserts are barren, nothing can grow (no vegetable love or children), leading to a dull relationship. Then comes the metaphor “Nor in thy marble vault, shall sound My echoing song” which suggests that in her tomb, and he won't mourn/sing...or in her belly and womb (or even vagina) she shall be no baby, or his semen, his legacy. It gets worse. He explains how, at this rate, worms shall take her virginity and “your quaint honour turn to dust, And into ashes all my lust”. “Quaint” is a pun, meaning charming, but also slang for vagina, bringing that image to life, along with the semantic field of death used--“dust”, “ashes”. The rhyming couplet of “dust” and “lust” is a summary of the two choices, reflected later on, of death or sex.

Finally we get to the “Now Therefore”, and this image of perspiration and water, due to “morning dew”, a “willing soul transpires” and “open pores” highlights that she’s alive, with water, not dried up like a dead body is. Water also has sexual connotations. Alternatively, the line ends with “instant fires”, and also linked to breathing, as if he’s going through the elements. He wants the water, air and fire of sexual activity before death. A basic, philosophical image.

He wants “sport”, so it looks like we’re back to objectifying women. They’re “amorous birds of prey”, so animalistic language, though admittedly, it applies to himself. Love birds. Hunting. Being hunted. Enjoy what they can before they “languish in his slow-chapp'd power”, as if they’re playing with time, both in the air, flying and fighting: may as well enjoy it. Ironically, the image presented indicates he is more in awe of time (takes up the whole poem) than her, in the first stanza then, filled with crude, satirical imagery and sexual innuendos.

Following a series of “we”s and “our”s, we get the sense of him wanting to make it sound like together, they can beat time, when it’s more of his own will than hers. He’s forcing her into this. Ironically, the plural pronouns are meant to be inclusive, but he’s excluding her individuality, her own opinion, not seen anywhere in the poem. He then talks about them becoming “one ball”, either a reflection of a close, intimate sexual position, or a cannonball, which shall “tear” through the “iron gates of life” as if it was a battle against death, or the restrictions of life, grand imagery, reflecting the colonialism of the time. He finishes by saying that they can’t stop the “sun”, who was believed to control time, but rather, they “will make him run”, his use of personification and “will” showing his absolute determination in this, and presents sex as some godly, divine state. These last two couplets also have a message for all: make the most of time. Carpe Diem.

This is a dramatic monologue of an unknown speaker and listener, and it almost feels like we are eavesdropping. The iambic tetrameter and set of rhyming couplets (10, 6 and then 7, so seven stands out: the last lines are memorable, the odd number) give it a playful sense, which really contrasts with the deep themes covered within the poem. The monologue form could show the usual stuff: male dominance and control of narrative, to restrict women, an eternal message to all women out there, that kind of stuff.

#English Lit / Cactus #Poetry Anthology / Cactus #To his coy mistress #Andrew Marvell

5 notes · View notes

youngboy-oldmind · 4 years

Text

ALBUM REVIEW: Revival

“It’s true, I’m a Rubik’s. A beautiful mess/At times juvenile yes. I goof and I jest/A flawed human I guess”

Detroit legend and highest-selling rapper of the decade, Eminem, releases his eighth (ninth if you count Infinite) album Revival: a project that is over hated, yet plagued with cringey lyrics, inconsistency, and an excessive runtime (77 minutes), propelling his decline and mainstream hate that’s haunted him since the late 2000s.

Overall thoughts

I say this with pain because I genuinely think this project could’ve been comparable to Jay-Z’s 4:44. Both rappers have been successful since the 90s and they both know their best is behind them. However, Jay-Z hit the mark where Eminem vastly missed. BUT, this isn’t a review of 4:44. Unfortunately, this is a review of Eminem’s controversial 2017 project: Revival.

Revival misses the mark for several reasons. First, the songs he chose for pre-release singles turned off fans from the jump. He pre-released “Walk on Water”, which captured the interest of fans who appreciate Eminem’s calmer, more introspective side. However, his second single release “Untouchable” made me hesitant to expect this album to revive Eminem’s career. This song isn’t strong enough to headline the album. At best, it’s a little annoying. And at worse, its skippable in 60 seconds. Furthermore, it was a political song, so any listeners that disagreed with his message immediately disassociated from the project.

Second, his lyricism is weak throughout the album, downright offensive at some points. Not offensive like its edgy or has shock value. Offensive like I can’t believe he made me listen to such shtty similes and metaphors. Contenders for the worst lines include but are not limited to:

“Instinctive nature to bring the anguish to the English language/ With this ink you haters get rode on (wrote on), like a piece of paper”

“I’m looking at your tight rear like a sight seer/ Your booty is heavy duty, like diarrhea”

“I just bodied the beat, so that hole must’ve been dug/Cause it just died, like food coloring does”

Along with weak metaphors, he also uses his signature play-on-words style to create painstaking lines such as

“The plan’s to bring her to my house/You’re drinking Jack and Beam, I’m thinking soon this tramp’ll lean (trampoline) so we can bounce”

“From the first time I saw you, I actually/Said to myself, ‘I gotta meet her’ (meter) like a taxi”

“I ask does she want a computer lodged in her vagina/Said my dick is an apple, she said put it inside her (in cider)”

Some of the vocal performances were painful as well. On “Chloraseptic” and “Untouchable”, he straight up lets out ridiculous drawn out yells. I have difficulty accepting that the producer of those tracks and long-time friend of Eminem, Denaun, heard him make those noises and didn’t tell him on how bad it sounds.

Third, and most importantly, Eminem’s tone is extremely inconsistent throughout the project. I wouldn’t be as critical towards the goofy songs if Eminem set and maintained one tone. He began the album with “Walk on Water”, discussing the stress of constant scrutiny and how unrealistic expectations make him doomed to fall short. This is a great topic to talk about as someone who was 18 years into his fame. But then, he begins topic ping-pong for almost an hour, switching back and forth between maturity and childishness, (with some high spots that I’ll discuss later). You cannot complain that people stress you out with high expectations, and then make songs that’s just punchlines revolving around breasts, butts, and vulgar sex.

Logic has great examples of priming your expectations and tones. He makes it clear when a project is a concept piece, like Incredible True Story or Everybody, or when he’s just having fun, like Bobby Tarantino I & II. Because Eminem keeps switching between serious songs and dumb songs, it makes everything seem disingenuous. For example, on the song “Like Home”, he basically rips Donald Trump a new one, going so far as to compare him to Hitler. But on the song “Heat” he makes a joke that he agrees with Donald Trump that women’s privates are supposed to be grabbed, which is why “they call it a snatch”. You can’t criticize the president in one song and then agree with them in the next, even if you’re joking. You can have fun songs and serious songs, but they should keep the album’s tone consistent.

Okay, I’m done criticizing, cause there are some great things about this album. “Walk on Water” was a great intro to the album. “River” is great collab between Ed Sheeran and Eminem. While the content of “Remind Me” is unremarkable, Rick Rubin delivers on the beat, creating an entertaining chorus that samples Joan Jett and the Blackhearts’ “I Love Rock n Roll”. I will give credit to “Offended”, which is ambitious to say in the least. I skipped it on first listen but it actually grew on me. And of course, the final two tracks “Castle” and “Arose” are the album’s peak.

If Eminem would’ve shaved the track list to 9 songs instead of 19, weeding out the childish/forgettable songs and making it more tonally consistent, this album would be much better. My ideal Revival album would be:

1. Walk on Water

2. Believe

3. River

4. Like Home

5. Tragic Endings

6. Nowhere Fast

7. Offended

8. Castle

9. Arose

This would bring the runtime down to 40 minutes instead of 77 minutes. At 45 years old, 8 albums into his career and 18 years in the game, Eminem doesn’t have 77 minutes’ worth of material to talk about. And it shows.

I mentioned earlier that this project is over hated. Although there are things I strongly dislike about this project, it isn’t nearly as bad as media and music reviewers describe it. Two of his previous projects, Encore and Relapse, were much worse than Revival. I think it’s an exaggeration to call Revival the worst of his career, but it is definitely indication of a decline.

Album Breakdown

“Walk on Water” ignites the album with an emotional piano ballad, Beyonce’s beautiful vocals on the chorus, and Eminem’s surprisingly self-exposing verses. He talks about the pain of having a section of hip hop disregard him, while having another section constantly hold him to a standard he feels like he’ll never reach again. It’s more melodramatic than what I expect from an Eminem song, especially the dramatic pause at the beginning of the first verse where he dramatically asks “why.........?”. Seeing Eminem express vulnerability instead of constantly acting like a god gave me hope.

But then...I heard the last 5 seconds, and I knew I was in trouble.

“Cause I’m just a man/

But as long as I got a mic I’m godlike/

So me and you are not alike/

B***h, I wrote ‘Stan’”

This transitions into “Believe”, a track that carries on the topic from the previous song but establishes that he is not self-conscious and knows he’s superior in the rap game, asking the audience if THEY believe in him. It’s disappointing to see him abandon vulnerability so quickly. It took five minutes and four seconds for Eminem to backtrack and basically say “Nah, I can reach every height. You guys just need to believe in me”. Like he’s blaming critics and fans for his decline, not his skills or style. I did not care for this shift. And speaking of shifts, we hear Eminem’s first attempt at a trap beat, which sounds off with his rapping style. He’s constantly taking odd pauses to squeeze in rhyme schemes. Not the worst song, but already starting the contradictions to the initial tone of the album.

Eminem’s second attempt at a trap beat, “Chloraseptic”, was painful. I can’t sugar coat it. Half of the time I had no clue what he was saying, and the half that I could understand had no substance. He mocks Migos’ style, using adlibs, shouts, and voice bites that make him sound old and desperate to fit in modern trap music. Over his career, Eminem’s best tracks have either a rock sample or a piano melody. But this is clear evidence that very few Eminem tracks should be trap songs.

As I mentioned earlier, “Untouchable” was released early as a single. This song was painful because I knew what he was going for. So it sucks to be distracted by the subpar delivery. The rock guitars and harmonized vocals in the chorus hit my ears too hard, making me wince and decrease the volume at the chorus. Eminem’s verses have him shouting/teasing “white boy, white boy” “black boy, black boy” which is too immature for someone of his status and stature. And there’s a line in the first verse where he says “then we wonder why we see this side of youuuuuuuuuuuu”, drawing out the last word in this painful, awful voice that definitely should’ve been scrapped. In the second half of the song, the instrumental switches from a hard rock sample to a piano melody that illustrates a sense of anxiety. Also, in the last verse, he switches perspectives and talks as a black person under systematic oppression. While I appreciate the effort, it doesn’t really translate into anything emotionally because his solutions to these problems are shallow.

He talks about police brutality and systemic racial issues. The problem is it’s all surface level. Someone with his age and experience should be able to add more to the discussion. But he comes through with messages like “We need to hire black cops and stop putting cops in neighborhoods they are unfamiliar with. This country was built on slaves. It’s unfair Kaepernick got hate for kneeling during the national anthem. Racial profiling is the cause of violence”. These are things I was able to articulate as a middle schooler. But he delivers these thoughts like he’s speaking from the woke-est perspective the world’s ever seen. When in reality, there are tweets that hold more substance. And because of this, Eminem’s yelling doesn’t feel like anger. It just feels loud and misguided.

Fortunately, we then transition to one of the stronger songs on the album, “River”. He discusses a toxic relationship filled with cheating, lies, and an abortion. Eminem has always delivered good bad-relationship songs, so I’m not surprised another one is one of the best on the album. Ed Sheeran’s singing on the chorus is dope, especially at the end when the instruments drop at the end and Sheeran’s tender vocals cap off the track. Cannot complain; its easily the best track so far.

“Remind Me” is the first goofy track on the album. Eminem is taking a break from serious topics like meeting other’s expectations, success and failure, police brutality, and a devastating relationship, to talk about a girl with “implants so big” she could hang him up on her rack, with her “big ol’ tits”. This song is only tolerable because Rick Rubin’s sample was fun to hear. Otherwise, this song is unbearable.

“Like Home” is his next political song. He takes a patriotic stance while criticizing President Trump. And that’s about it. Pretty much a diss track where he spent 8 lines setting up a Hitler punchline and then calling Americans to unite against Trump. Alicia Keys sings the chorus but its nothing heart stopping. Definitely one of the more forgettable songs simply because it wasn’t painful to listen to.

The thing about bad songs or forgettable songs is that if you string too many together, they become more difficult to tolerate. So I’m coming off the heels of the annoying “Remind Me” and forgettable “Like Home”, when I get to “Bad Husband”. Here, he’s talking about how bad he was to Kim, his ex-wife. This song seems good on paper, but two things make it bad: X Ambassadors on the chorus and X Ambassadors on the chorus. X Ambassadors and Eminem do not fit well. Their loud style doesn’t fit the quiet, soft vocals that Eminem implements. It’s also hard to take Eminem’s apology seriously. On the chorus, X Ambassadors call him a 1) lord 2) good father 3) good dad 4) great father. No genuine apology contains repeated self-appraisal. Imagine if someone hits you with their car and says “Wow, I’m such a bad driver. I’m a great manager. Great parent to my kids. I donate to the local homeless shelter. And I baby sit for free. But I’m such a bad driver.” Is that really an apology?

And to that note, I’d take being hit by a car over hearing X Ambassadors on the chorus.

“Tragic Endings” picks up the album. Skylar Grey is amazing on the chorus. The entire song sounds like a sister of “Love the Way You Lie”. This talks about a toxic relationship with someone who doesn’t encourage him. I’m not surprised he once again hits a high point with a bad relationship song. Eminem’s verses are alright, and the instrumentation carries the same tragic-ness that surrounds the content of his verses. Skylar Grey and Eminem have collaborated on multiple songs over the years and they tend to compliment each other well.

Side note: There’s a curse in this album that’s wreaking havoc. After a certain number of bad songs, my appreciation for a song comes from the fact that it doesn’t make me want to take off my headphones. I’m approaching every song with “it can’t get worse than its already gotten”.

Then it got worse... “Framed”. With an instrumental possessing a western, cowboy-saloon vibe and a chorus that creates a “cowboy please shoot me in the head and end it all, this album is torture” vibe, “Framed” is a storytelling track where Eminem is framed for a murder. Apparently, some of his gruesome lyrics are so incriminating that he could be considered a suspect for a murder. Now, I love story telling tracks. One of my favorite records of all time is The Great Adventures of Slick Rick. But Eminem is too old and passed the point of his career where associating with assault, kidnapping, or murder is entertaining and/or interesting. It was shocking in 1999 when he talks about dumping his wife in a pier so he can be with his child without her interference. I would never condone that, but I was highly attentive. But 18 years later, saying you have Ivanka Trump in the back of your car is just creepy. Definitely the worst song on the album.

“Nowhere Fast” features Kehlani on the chorus and exciting violin strings that accompany Eminem’s commentary on the rap game. Kehlani is definitely talented, but I don’t think her style matches Eminem. Overall the song is middle of the road. Not horrible, not amazing.

Now that he’s dissed Trump, talked about a bad relationships, his “killer” lyrics, and the rap industry, it’s time to go back to a fun song and make more jokes about butt & boob implants. “Heat” is very similar to “Remind Me”. They both use a rock and roll sample and discuss the same shallow content. The sample isn’t as entertaining as “Remind Me”, so that makes it harder to tolerate the excessive double entendres and play on words just to illustrate offensive commentary on a woman. I try not to overuse quotes, but I had to save the worst line.

“Girl, you’re just gonna have to put them other chumps on the back burner/You got buns, I got Asperger’s (Ass burgers)”

I mentioned earlier that this next track “Offended” grew on me over time. The issue with tonally switching back and forth is it’s difficult to tell how seriously Eminem takes himself. How can I know Eminem is actually self-conscious about others’ expectations of him, when he immediately calls himself godlike and makes multiple songs about boob jobs? Here, Eminem makes it clear he is trolling and wants to offend and irritate a hater. Once I understood that, I was able to just enjoy it as a dumb track. The instrument is fun and bouncy, and the chorus is extremely childish, but purposely done so that it’s hard to criticize it seriously.

I can sum up the next two tracks, “Need Me” and “In Your Head” as forgettable. “Need Me” is another track about a toxic relationship ft. P!nk’s amazing vocals. Although the ratio of P!nk to Eminem on the song makes me think it should’ve been a P!nk song featuring Eminem. And on “In Your Head” Eminem simply describes his displeasure with past decisions, the most notable part of the song being The Cranberries sample on the chorus, which ended up being wasted on a take it or leave it track.

“Castle” comes outta left field as a MAJOR upgrade from the rest of the album. It almost feels like it belongs on a different album completely. The chorus is slow building with these subtle organ keys and a bassline where the instrumental doesn’t quite kick in but it hints at a explosion about to occur. Liz Rodrigues on the chorus helps Eminem deliver this song; a series of letters that Eminem writes to his daughter, apologizing for things in her life that are impacted by him and his decisions. They’re written in 1995, 1996, and 2007.

The first verse talks about his excitement about having a new baby daughter. The second verse talks about his failed album Infinite and how he’s not sure how he’s going to provide for them, but he’s stumbled onto an idea (The Slim Shady LP, which thrusted him into mainstream success). The third verse is in 2007, where he states his guilt for her life being thrusted in public light, his distaste for fame, his pills addiction. During that time, Eminem was suffering from drug addiction and nearly died from an overdose. The song ends with him taking pills and audibly collapsing onto the floor.

“Arose” picks up where “Castle” leaves off. Eminem talks over a piano ballad and an echo-ey drum that makes you feel like you’re in an empty dark room. Eminem is currently in the ER hooked up to life support machines, talking about the things he’ll miss if he dies in the hospital bed. Amongst other goodbyes, he tells his daughters to take care of each other and he’ll always be in their memory. Truly heart wrenching. But as he says goodbye to everybody, he suddenly fights to stay alive, his heart starts beating, and he recovers. As he recovers, he mentions rewinding the tape of time. Rewinding to before he made the mistake of overdosing.

Then, in an expert display of technical skill and creativity, the track rewinds to the instrumental for “Castle”, and Eminem delivers a final verse that has a much more “onward and forward”, positive outlook. It brings tears to my eyes every time I listen to it. He describes shredding the old letters and not letting the past hold him back. And that the first half of the song is what he would’ve wrote to his daughters if he had made it 2 hours later to the hospital, which is about how long the doctor said he would’ve lived if he hadn’t checked in. In this masterpiece of a closer, Eminem connects back to the concept of reviving. Without question, the best song on the album and the best outro of any Eminem album

Final Thoughts

The Intro “Walk on Water” and outros “Castle”/”Arose” feel like they belong on a completely separate album; they’re totally different from the tracks that encompassed the middle. So while those three are great, the album ultimately suffers from inconsistent themes and messages. If Eminem would’ve stuck with vulnerability and maturity, this album would’ve been great. Overall, the project isn’t horrible. But besides the few high points, I’m disappointed.

Top 3 Songs:

1) Arose

2) Castle

3) River

Overall Grade: C-

#music review #album review #hip hop review #hip hop #eminem

0 notes

jkottke · 6 years

Text

Black Thought's ten-minute freestyle

Warning: this is the best thing you're going to see today, even if you already saw it yesterday.

In this clip, The Roots' MC dishes out an album's worth of rhymes off the top of head, while hardly stopping to breathe.

youtube

For once in his life, Sean Combs may not be exaggerating:

THIS IS THE GREATEST FREESTYLE IN ALL OF HIP HOP HISTORY!!!! @BlackThought https://t.co/IffabCoZcV

— Diddy (@Diddy) December 15, 2017

But as his bandmate Questlove pointed out, Black Thought has been doing this for years:

A Black Thought Freestyle Thread. https://t.co/Cu6kvYcV3p

— Questlove Gomez (@questlove) December 15, 2017

And Genius fulfilled its one true purpose, with fans getting the freestyle transcribed and available the same day.

What I love about Black Thought's freestyle is that it does everything hip-hop at its best does. He has the technical virtuosity and improvisation, both of which are first-rate. He toasts, boasts, and roasts. He plays with words, and the words play right back.

But he also tells stories, including this striking one about his mother:

My mother was a working class very lovin' woman Who struggled, every dinner could've been the last summer I come home, chasing good-for-nothing half-cousins And then walk in the crib to the smell of crack cookin' She was introduced to that substance abuse On some of the strongest drugs that the government produced

He gets philosophical and abstract. Like, real abstract.

I made the 21-pound for some a new found religion When money's put down, it's only one sound to make OGs and young lions equally proud to listen The secret amalgam is an algorithm Coming from where only kings and crowns permitted The darkness where archaeologists found My image in parchment rolled into a scroll Holding a message for you, it says "The only thing for sure is taxes, death, and trouble" The anomaly swore solemnly, high snobiety Freakonomics of war policy, dichotomy That's Heaven and Hades Tigris and Euphrates His highness The apple of the iris to you ladies As babies, we went from Similac and Enfamil To the internet and fentanyl Where all consent was still against the will

He pays homage to rap history:

Maybe I'm the new Rakim Maybe I'm fat Pharaohe Undergarments of armor be my intimate apparel Pre-Kardashian Kanye My rhyme-play immaculate Same cadence as D.O.C Pre-accident Maybe my acumen on par with Kool G Rap and them

And to his own discography:

I hate to say I told y'all, but I told y'all Things fall apart when the center too weak to hold y'all I'm just collecting what you owed to my old jawn You 'bout to get swooped down on and stoled on

He charms and disarms:

You in the residency of the one they call King Dada Ali Baba The Talented Mr. Trotter Inside of my right palm, the mark of the stigmata Big Poppa wig chopper Emperor Joffrey Joffer Motherfucka, I'm stronger than the coffee out in Kaffa All y'all niggas vagina-hop Remind me of Icona Pop I step in the booth, I'm a bull inside a China Shop Mollywopper Watch another cotton-pickin' body drop Every time we rock Yo they actin' like it's Mardi Gras 'Til the party stop Skirt off like she that Ferrari drop So psyched he pumpin' that Earth, Wind and Fire body I Cool a product doc A la Marina, hard-body yacht You seen another rapper cleaner? Mami, probably not

And sometimes, he just kills it:

How it feel to be the best that did it, I admit it I'm visiting from planet bring these niggas death in minutes And y'all know I'm exquisite Wicked as Wilson Pickett The sickness I exhibit I'm too legit to quit it I don't fake it 'till I make it I take it to the limit, and break it Never timid, what I'm about, I represent it Infinite just like Chace is Been a million places Conversation is how beautiful my face is People hating on how sophisticated my taste is Then I pulled up on these motherfuckers in a spaceship

Even reading this, it's just too good.

I am a walking affirmation That imagination And focus and patience Get you closer to your aspiration And just cuz they give you shit Don't mean you have to take it My words capture greatness Sworn affidavits

Meanwhile, the talented Tariq Trotter himself kept it humble:

That verse was just what I had to say at the moment lol.

— Black Thought (@blackthought) December 14, 2017

7 notes · View notes

sunken-standard · 7 years

Text

Drabble Ask Meme Fill

Requested by @mizjoely: Oh, here's my prompt #6: You drank a gallon of milk over night

Tom!verse; pure, unabashed fluff. I don't even know who I am anymore. (Also, these are scenes that span the pregnancy, so it doesn't fit very neatly in the chronology; some are before Janine's visit and the very last one is after, because reasons.)

"You drank a gallon of milk over night," she asked flatly. The space where her two bottles of milk had been were now empty. So much for that rice pudding she was going to make. And so much for breakfast.

"Drank? Not exactly."

"So it was for science." It was always for science, not 'I'm actually ten years old and do the first thing that strikes my fancy when I get bored,' even if that was the more accurate descriptor.

"No, it was for the long-term psychological well-being of our child."

"Wh—?"

"Fine," Sherlock groaned. "I wasn't going to mention it yet, but after you go back to work I'll be taking over most of the daytime care of the baby, which will include feedings. 'The breast is best' on a number of fronts past nutrition, including infant-parent bonding and brain development from holding a mother's gaze. Bottle-feeding is clearly the inferior choice, what with the potential for ingestion of air leading to a host of digestive issues, future orthodontic problems, what-have-you. So I've been looking into alternatives. I did some shopping and I've been road-testing."

"This is the slings and baby carriers all over again, isn't it? Just attach a bottle to the side of his cot like in a pet store, he'll be perfectly fine," Molly said, looking morosely at her dry, tasteless muesli, made even more dry and tasteless by the lack of milk.

"And people think I'm the unfit one," Sherlock muttered. "When our child has a healthy spine and fully developed musculature, you'll be thanking me because we went with the mei tai instead of front-facing carry."

It was entirely too early to be having this conversation. Or any, really, especially with an up-all-night Sherlock who was obviously (enviably) caffeinated.

"So what were you road testing?"

"Harnesses that allow for the simulation of breast feeding."

Delightful, she thought. She should be more surprised, but at this point, she didn't think there was much that could surprise her. He would probably volunteer for an experimental uterine transplant to carry the next one himself if he could.

"Do you call it 'The Mannery Gland?'"

"That's not one of the brands I found, I suppose I'll have to look again later..." He frowned.

"It's from a film."

"Oh."

"I'm not doing pregnancy yoga with you."

"It's good for the mind as well as the body."

"Both of which are still just fine, thank you. I hate yoga. It's all bending... and uncontrollable rude sounds," she said, remembering the reason she quit her first (and only) yoga class years ago.

"Molly, I've already heard every rude sound you could possibly make."

"Trust me, you have not. It's like having my very own set of bagpipes between my legs. I'd rather keep some element of mystery to the relationship, at least until your screaming, fat-headed baby rips its way out of my vagina."

He looked at her in horror, affronted that she could describe their child thus. Then again, he wasn't the one with an angry bowling ball resting on his kidneys.

"I smell paint. Why do I smell paint?" Molly yelled from the door as soon as she walked in.

"Because I've been painting," Sherlock said, crossing from the kitchen to the lounge to greet her. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt like any other person, which was always a bizarre thing to see; of course he didn't have a single drop or splatter on him. It was like he was magnetized to repel dirt.

"Going to go out on a limb here and guess you finished the nursery. Which we haven't talked about at all."

"It's a surprise. So, surprise. Also, I packed you an overnight bag because we're sleeping at Baker Street tonight. These fumes probably aren't good for 2.0."

"Oh goodie. I love surprises," she said, following him up the stairs. "Aren't I supposed to be the one nesting?"

"That's late in the third trimester. And this isn't nesting, this is preparing. Better to do it now before we know the gender so the decor doesn't reflect our own inherent biases, no matter how unconscious they may be," he said, stopping outside the door. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

Sherlock grinned and swung the door wide to reveal—oh dear God. It was... she didn't even know what it was. Black, white, and red stripes and dots and geometric patterns spread over the walls with no real rhyme or reason; it made her eyes hurt and she wasn't even inside the room yet.

"So what do you think?"

"Are you trying to hide the baby from Nazi submarines?" she asked.

"Dazzle camouflage wasn't actually meant to hide, it only misled. Kind of hard to miss."

"And so is this paint job."

"This 'paint job' is to provide visual stimulation in the first few weeks of life, when a baby can only process high-contrast and the colour red, thus aiding bra—"

"—brain development. Yes. But no. I'm not sitting in this migraine-waiting-to-happen while nursing our son or daughter, you're repainting it."

"You can nurse in our room. Or on the sofa," he protested, deflated. He looked like she'd kicked his puppy.

She huffed a sigh. "Fine, you can keep an accent wall. Everything else gets repainted a colour we can both agree on."

"This is Rosie's nursery all over again," he said mostly to himself as he rolled his eyes looked away theatrically.

"There's nothing wrong with Rosie's nursery. Mary changed her mind about the fish, she's the Mum, she's allowed."

"That coral took me six hours, and then you just stencilled apples and birds all over it willy-nilly and topped it all off with some frankly alarming wall stickers."

"The stickers were a gift, she wanted to use them."

"They weren't a gift, they were a curse. What better way to instil coulrophobia? I bet they came from Janine, probably some kind of revenge."

"Uh huh," Molly said. She paused a beat for dramatic effect (Sherlock was rubbing off on her, it seemed, though if he'd just done that in the first place they wouldn't even be there...). "So, DIY store at the weekend."

"If we must. At least that gives me time to pick out a new theme."

"Which we will both agree on before you buy so much as a mobile."

"Already have that."

She raised an eyebrow.

"...Which we can take back if you don't like. Dearest."

"...And if you'd've let me get a proper a cot instead of this flatpack abomination, we wouldn't have this problem," Sherlock said, ruffling his hair as he looked at the debris field in the (newly repainted) nursery. He was taking the fact that he'd been bested by IKEA entirely too hard.

"We're not spending £200 on a cot that can only be used for six months when Mary's already said we can use Rosie's Moses basket."

"Co-sleeping has been shown to—"

"I don't care. If nursing is a problem through the night, we'll keep the baby in bed with us. It's more practical to—"

"Yes, yes, practical. You sound like a Yorkshireman. When is Mary getting here?"

"Mary? Who said anything about Mary?"

"You phoned her, I assume, as she's the one that put all Rosie's things together."

"I helped."

"Yes, and your talent for handing over the correct screwdriver in a timely fashion is second to none. Mary?"

"Left twenty minutes ago. And she's bringing Rosie so you have something to do while the grown-ups work."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Sometimes I wonder why I fell in love with you."

Time stopped dead; he'd never said the L-word before. "You—you're in love with me?"

"Yeeeess..." he said as though she were a particularly dim child. "Why else do you think you ended up pregnant?"

"Because you're what some in the Old West might call a quick draw?"

He frowned, which turned into a scowl when he saw her get out her phone. "What are you doing?"

"Phoning Mary. Telling her to circle the street a few times. Your 'abbreviated stamina' is actually going to work for us this time. And, for the record, I love you, too," she said, stretching up to press a kiss to his lips before Mary answered her phone.

#mizjoely #drabble ask meme round 3 #sherlolly #tom!verse #sunken's secret stash

49 notes · View notes

dayone2012 · 7 years

Photo

When it's this stormy out like the devil himself is tearing the shingles off your sanctuary is when I feel most at home. Maybe it's from my Viking blood reminiscing about Ragnarök and the end of the ages but it's my favorite time to put on some cozy leggings, ugg boots and Pink frosty the snowman sweater and let the power of zero fucks flow through me. You'd think that zero fuk force may be entropic but no! It's electrical and propels me to lend my idle hands to the devils work of making all of the things. As a result of the tumult outside I've made a "handful" of cock monkeys for your collection of needful things. This time I discovered an efficient way to encourage a balance in the gender rolls of the iconic stuffed simian we all know and love and added a monkey puzzay on the back. I keep trying to think of a catchy name for monkey lady junk like I did with "cock monkey" so I looked up all the synonyms for vagina on line and HOLEy smokes there's some crazy terms out there. A lot of real good band names actually. I didn't want to go with the "close but crude" cünt monkey cause it felt a lil brutish for such a delicate flower. Maybe you can help ~ I thought something that rhymes with sock but not too undignified. "pocket monkey?" Maybe false advertising.. "cockpit monkey"? Not ladylike enough and frankly a lil too patriarchal in innuendo, right? "Socket monkey?" Hmmm mayyybe but by itself it makes no sense. Together it could be "cock and socket monkey junk from Laycorp international ©". Jeeze this is hard. And what's the deal with everything I'm writing coming out exactly like sex puns and innuendo? Every other sentence is filled with suggestive allusions. what's weird is even tho I'm making these I'm not thinking about dick, pussy or sexxxy time. It's my hands doing the dirty work. Great- more phrasing. Maybe it's this massive list of words for pussy that's influencing me. look it up on urban dictionary. it's hilarious and baffling. I mean listen- bajingo? Bacon hole!?! Mule nose for gods sake? Its absurd and perfect for a beautiful night at the end of the world. One things for sure. The internet sure comes in handy. Get it? Anyway buy my monkey junk. 💯$

1 note · View note

adambstingus · 7 years

Text

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

The world is a crazy mishmash of diversity. We have different faiths, different politics, and above all, different crotches. In general, we have two kinds of crotches, but those two kinds are mystifying and perplexing to the ones not wielding them. And you may not think so now. You may be thinking “Man, I have been up in so many crotches in my day, I’m like a crotch Da Vinci” but let me assure you, that crotch still holds many a mystery that you never even imagined.

Missing Balls

Ladies, are you familiar with balls or, as they’re known in science circles, deez nutz? They’re a pair of oversensitive little snowflakes that men carry around in their pastrami coin purses and, beyond a biological function, they’re mostly just decorative. Fun for teabagging, ridiculously capable of collecting sweat, and oddly musky after a day of playing sports or just sitting in a room with no AC. You’re likely aware of most of this from all the ball porn you ladies watch. But what you may not be aware of, and what you really have no reason to be aware of, is the fact that your average nut has a serious case of wanderlust. Sometimes, just sometimes, a ball will just up and vanish.

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

What do I mean vanish? I mean take the fuck off. Pack up their bindle stick and head out for a life on the road. And it’s only ever one at a time, as though your nuts had a heated argument and one forced the other to go spend the night at its parents’ house. So your sack will still be slouching there against your thigh like a drunk trying to stay on the dance floor, and one ball will be holed up in there like the Unabomber in his shack. The other one will be three fingers deep in your torso, exploring the nooks and crannies of whatever the fuck is equidistant between your dick and your butthole.

To the best of my knowledge, your balls will occasionally rise up like the disgruntled citizens of an unjust regime, but it’s generally for warmth. This isn’t that. This is like a lava lamp situation, with blorpy stuff just oozing about because it can, no real rhyme or reason behind it. The little vagrant will always return home in short order, no worse for the wear and tight lipped about what sights he may have seen. But know that sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s a nut that’s just gone walkabout like a little semen-producing Crocodile Dundee.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

In technical terms, they call this a retractile testicle, which is a great name. Your cremaster muscle gets a little overactive, like how if you work out too hard and you’re super pumped, your biceps and triceps will just totally rage in a spastic fashion. Only this time, it’s in your bag, and your nut will just zip up like a monkey on a vine. It can happen due to anxiety or just some stimulation in that area. So nothing crazy or darkly magical, just some crazy ball roaming.

Anytime Boners

Ladies, you’ve met a boner before, right? And for you younger and/or chaste readers, you’ve read my terribly offensive articles before, right? So you’re probably at least on handshake terms with boners. You know where they live, their general habits, and their diet. I would even wager you heard in health class or from a guy on the bus that a boner can crop up at the weirdest times? For instance, when a dude’s jorts rub him the wrong way or he sees a canary melon and thinks of a boob. Ha ha, boners are the unpredictable scamps of the coital world. But did you have any idea how unpredictable they are?

Aside from the normal reason and the just-a-few houses down from normal reasons, there is a fun melange of nightmare reasons why boners occur. Obviously medication side effects can lead to erections, but so can spider bites, fear of being a sexual deviant, meal supplements, and comically tragic bicycle injuries. These scenarios all sound radically different, but they all have one factor that connects them: Near them, the boner lurks.

How does pain manage to dance with boners in people who don’t typically get off on pain? That’s one of the mysteries of science, but any number of uncomfortable feelings from anxiety to nervousness to just outright agony can and will give way to Mr. Blinky standing tall and trying to do his thing, even if the rest of your body is a quivering mass of discomfort.

In terms of injuries, it can be a matter as simple as a blood-flow problem — you damage a wang artery, the blood can’t flow the way it should, you end up saluting the flag every time you move. But when that’s not the case, the cause can sometimes be a mystery to medical science — your dick plays its cards close to the balls and doesn’t explain itself all that often.

Menstrual Pad Importance

As a man, there’s only so much I can do to help support and understand women. I don’t want to be a douche, and I don’t think most people want to, even if they succeed at it admirably. I want to do the best I can to try to understand everyone’s worldview, and as a white dude who grew up in a white neighborhood where people never really talked about politics, the outside world or anything particularly heavy at all, it’s a process. Part of this process is trying to wrap my head around pads, which is distinctly different from wrapping pads around my head. Is this world changing or deeply philosophical? Does it solve humanity’s problems or rise to the level of anything profound that helps better our species? Maybe not, but I don’t write articles to save the world. Sometimes, we just need to sit back and wonder about the mysteries of shit that are obvious to everyone else.

Most men, at some point, will be tasked with purchasing pads for someone in need. It happens. In the world of sitcoms, it’s a terribly embarrassing endeavor and you must sheepishly enter the aisle and pretend you’re shopping for something else and then look like a deer caught in the headlights when the cashier inevitably calls for a price check. On pads! For vaginas! Oh man, is your face red! THE BEER BACON MANLY MAN IS BUYING THE LADY OBJECTS. PLANT A SCARLET LETTER UPON HIS CHEST.

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

In real life, buying pads is like buying something that isn’t a pad. However, and this is key, while you were probably told exactly what kind to buy, if they don’t have what you’re looking for, if you forget, or if nothing was specified for some reason, you have no chance of choosing the right one. Pads are like the Grail at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. There’s a ton of choices and if you choose poorly, expect to become a dusty skeleton in no time under the withering glare of the woman you’ve just disappointed.

In my mind, pads operate like deodorant or the Walmart underwear rack. Sure I see a lot of options, but at the end of the day, I can probably make due with anything that’s there. But holy shit, not so with pads. Despite your general knowledge of a woman’s flower and its botanical habit of sloughing off an internal uterine layer, not every pad can accommodate this for every woman. Wings may be necessary to anchor that slippery little shit in place. You also need to factor in absorbency based on flow, the shape of the pad, the fabric of the pad, and the general way it fits because you never want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole, especially if you have the wrong-sized pad wrapped around it.

There’s literally no way you can get the correct pad on a whim as a dude except for blind luck. You have to have instruction or you might as well be trying to figure out what your cat means when it turns its head and stares at you all shifty-like when you’re on the toilet.

It’s not that I or any man is necessarily dumb for not “getting” pads. It’s just that there’s no common ground to meet on. I can only conceive of, in the most basic way, the issues with trying to properly fit something on or near a body part I don’t have. I can’t even decide if “on” or “near” are the right words to use, that’s how unqualified I am to deal with this.

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

Surely we can all be adults when we discuss flatulence, or “floating air biscuits,” if you will. Who amongst us hasn’t gorged themselves on a hearty baked bean and cauliflower casserole laced with vegan ham and awoken the next morning feeling like a gremlin was trying to breakdance its way from our asshole? Farts are natural and beautiful in the way that any kind of fetid gas from one’s shit shooter is beautiful.

There is a thing I learned, though. A thing told to me by a woman who, upon learning the topic of this article, took a moment to stare off into space as she pondered the idea. After a brief period of silence, her expression became inspired and she eagerly said to me, “What about farts in your vagina?”

First, I hope that was the first time that sentence was ever uttered aloud. I get a kick out of feeling like I’ve heard or said something literally no one in mankind’s history has ever seen or heard. But second, I was briefly confused.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

I stared as though I were Paul Atreides having just consumed the Water of Life and my mind was expanding beyond space and time. I imagined a stealthy fart creeping forth under the cover of night, holding up at the border of the ass cheeks until the Vaginal Guards had a shift change, then sneaking like a ninja across the Taint Barrier and backflipping into the safety of the vagina.

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

I nodded. This was reasonable. Not reasonable, but understandable. A woman, biologically, has a terrible system of fart management set up down there. As a man, when one of my farts takes a wrong turn out of the gate, it just bubbles up under my ballsack and sits there like a frightened mouse until I peel the sack away from the thigh and release it back into the wild. But a woman has an entire mouse house. I had never imagined.

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164382494652

0 notes

samanthasroberts · 7 years

Text

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

Missing Balls

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

Anytime Boners

Menstrual Pad Importance

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/

0 notes

allofbeercom · 7 years

Text

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

Missing Balls

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

Anytime Boners

Menstrual Pad Importance

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/

0 notes

theworstbob · 7 years

Text

yellin’ at songs, 2.18.2017

everyone’s favorite text-based series of half-formed pop music criticism!

38) "Body Like a Back Road," by Sam Hunt

This is just a bad song. "The way she fit in those blue jeans, she don't need no belt/But I can turn them inside out, I don't need no help" Congratulations on being able to take off a girl's pants. And all by yourself, too! A true romantic. "Got hips like honey, so thick and so sweet/It ain't no curves like hers on them downtown streets" No but for real this dude just used an entire verse of song to describe a girl's butt. What am I supposed to say? It's another shitty bro country song to add to the pile. We have a dude worth $5m talking about how much he loves being poor, we've got a reference to one of the fine automotives being manufactured by General Motors, and we have a verse of song about a white girl's ass. It's just bland and boring. I'm three weeks into this dumb thing, and I'm already yelling "what does 'going 15 in a 30' mean in this context? Does her vagina have a speed limit?" then putting my own hand on my shoulder and saying, "Forget it, Bob!. It's Brocountrytown."

48) "Slippery," by Migos ft./Gucci Mane 58) "Kelly Price," by Migos ft./Travis Scott 62) "Call Casting," by Migos 72) "Get Right Witcha," by Migos 93) "Culture," by Migos ft./DJ Khaled

Welcome to my Migos album review, I guess? I think, of these five, "Call Casting" has the best shot at another week on the chart after people stop buying the album. I'd be okay never hearing "Kelly Price" again, not if they insist on keeping the screaming in that song. I'm not sure I'm gonna remember the other three in an hour. None of these songs are "Bad & Boujee" but all of them are some grade of acceptable, and that's about what I expected from five Migos songs just suddenly in my life. Hopefully they have better opinions on homosexuality soon!

66) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj

HOLY SHIT. I never. You guys! This was unbelievably good. Nicki Minaj rhymed "blow him like harmonicas" with "a mix of Hillary and Monica." Is that technically rhyming monica with monica, sandwiching the word “moniker?” I don't even give a shit, that's incredible. PARTYNEXTDOOR's thing where he doesn't sound like he's trying is sort of weirdly perfect for this song. There's this high-energy beat, and that's doing so much work creating this island party atmosphere that PARTYNEXTDOOR sounds relaxed instead of disengaged, and that’s what you wanna do on an island, you wanna have a chilled-out good time. Nicki Minaj does four different things in her verse and all of them are amazing. This song exists! I can't believe our good fortune! 2017 is alive!

71) "I'm Better," by Missy Elliott ft./Lamb

...you know, maybe i'm judging this song unfairly because i just listened to "Run Up" a million times in a row, but missy elliott's comeback really shouldn't have seen missy elliott take on trap. i mean it's fine? i dig it? but man, think of anything else she could’ve done.

88) "Scared to Be Lonely," by Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa

There's just so much happening and I got old at one point in my life and this song is very Not For Me because of that time that I got old. When did I get old? Was I ever young? I listen to this song, and I'm not sure how I ever could have been young. This is what the young people like. But I cannot imagine being young and liking this. So was I ever young?

99) "El Amante," by Nicky Jam

My feelings on Latin pop is that Latin pop is a force of Good, and I have enjoyed the few songs that have made their way to Billboard. This is no "Despacito," but few songs have lines about wanting to make the ocean fan itself and say "Well, I never!" at the sight of your love-making, so it’s hard to hold that against Nicky Jam. And hey! Speaking of using Google Translate to figure out what the words I'm jamming to are, apparently, one line in this song roughly (and this is Google Translate, emphasis on ROUGHLY) means, "Tell that little boyfriend of yours that he is a crap," which is just phenomenal work. I do not care to know what the lyric actually translates to, because it's no way it's as delightful as that.

100) "Some Kind of Drug," by G-Eazy ft./Marc E. Bassy

This song is a failure because it has a feature from a dude with a nasal whine who has the temerity to call himself Marc E. Bassy. There are so many other reasons this song is a failure, but the primary failure is its failure to present itself to me honestly. Why would you lie to me like this? Why would you promise me something bassy and give me this? I could have spent the three and a half minutes it took to listen to this song listening to "Run Up," and I could have spent the time I spent typing words about this song also listening to "Run Up." Why would take that time from me to give me this.

TOP TEN SO FAR 10) “Running Back,” by Wale ft./Lil Wayne (2.11) 9) “I’m Better,” by Missy Elliott ft./Lamb (2.18) 8) “Way Down We Go,” by Kaleo (1.14) 7) “Guys My Age,” by Hey Violet (2.11) 6) “Good Drank,” by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 5) “Shape of You,” by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 4) “Despacito,” by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) “Issues,” by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) “iSpy,” by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) “Run Up,” by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18)

0 notes